Sexual and Gender Diverse Adolescents and the Failures of Traditional Education in Public Education: Post #3

* Third part of the term paper titled "Sexual and Gender Diverse Adolescents and the Failures of Traditional Education in Public Education." This post covers the Methodological Framework for Research, Preliminary Implications, and the Conclusion portion of the paper.


Methodological Framework for Research

In order to ascertain what information should be used to develop a comprehensive sexual education curricula to be taught in public schools, a firm baseline of knowledge must be developed. It is proposed that a 2 page survey with optional telephone or in-person interviews should be used for data collection. It is vital that a diverse geographic area be chosen which will ensure the number of respondents needed and also gives more legitimacy to the data collected. The area chosen for this study is Clark County, Nevada which has a diverse population in both very large metropolitan and rural areas and has the fifth largest school district in the United States. This county has almost sixty high schools (magnet and charter high schools included) which allows for the response of at least 70,000 students (full high school student population was estimated as 89,438 as of 2012 so student population might be higher or lower based on community growth.) (no author, 2013) This survey should be given to all students who attend any public middle or high school in the selected county. The survey will be multiple choice and should be electronically scored.

It is recommended that the survey be presented to students on a Wednesday during second period (to assure the most attendance by participants) and that students should be given fifteen minutes to fill out the questionnaire. This recommendation means that students will receive the survey during classes that may not be focused on health; however, this will assure that the full student population is covered if all potential participants are given the survey at approximately the same time.

Confidentiality should be stressed to the students and questionnaires should be picked up by the teacher at the end of the period. Survey questions will contain questions on age of sexual initiation, behaviors used, sexual orientation and gender identity, negative consequences of sexual behavior, and related content including racial identity, relationship development and positive life skills. A survey was chosen over interviews as the best form of research as many people feel more comfortable with answering anonymous questions; it is a less expensive method of collecting large forms of data; and helps to eliminate evaluator bias as every participant gets the same questions. By using such a large group of participants, students who claim sexual diversity can have their thoughts heard and research can get a general idea of what percentage of the student population is gender or sexually diverse.

Preliminary Implications

There are a some potential implications for conducting this research and analyzing the results from data collected. As there doesn’t appear to be much research on diverse sexual orientation and gender identity, this study should give researchers a better understanding of what percentage of students who claim sexual or gender diversity other than heterosexuality. Current research tends to remove this data so the estimates of the statistics of sexual diversity are just that: an estimate. Having a better understanding of what the actual numbers are will give both educators and elected officials a real understanding of the human cost of ineffective sexual education for sexual diverse students. It is one thing to understand that sexual diverse students are most likely to have ‘negative consequences’ due to sexual behavior and imagining those consequences to be felt by a few or small group of individuals. It is another to recognize that the number of affected individuals is larger than assumed. If the numbers of sexually diverse adolescents tend towards the estimated population of American adults who claim sexual diversity, then the population would be estimated between 3.1% to 4.9%. (Gates, 2017) That suggests that possible numbers of sexually diverse high school students in Clark County, Nevada could be estimated as between 2,772 to 4,382 students. It must also be acknowledged that these estimates could be low as the negative social and economic costs to ‘outted’ sexually diverse adults can be quite high. This information should extend the research already collected on some forms of adolescent heterosexual behavior to a more complete picture on all forms of adolescent sexual behavior. Information gleaned from respondent data can then be used to develop a thoughtful and comprehensive sexual education curriculum for use in public schools. Having this information available to those who are attempting to create relevant and useful curricula for students is vital to their success. It is vital to recognize that there may be a small minority of students who will still not feel comfortable with the survey and may choose to not complete it or complete it with false information. However, it is hoped that due to the specific way that the survey is presented to students can help minimize this particular limitation in the data collected.

Another implication is that future researchers could feel more comfortable creating proposals that are more inclusive of sexual diversity rather than removing or throwing out the data collected. Sexuality has many forms and behaviors and limiting the majority of research to heterosexual ‘penile to vaginal’ intercourse leaves out a lot of sexual behavior for all sexual claimants. More research that focuses on sexual behavior in general- including sexual behavior that is socially distasteful such as bestiality- will create a solid baseline on human sexuality, theoretically creating new understanding of human relationships and behavior. The implications of a deeper understanding of human sexual diversity and behavior can be huge as sexual desire and behavior affects so much of ‘the human condition’ and can affect the research of many scientific subjects including biology, psychology, sociology, etc.

Other implications of this research are the ways that the aggregated data could be used to not only shape public school curricula, but also public policy towards education and sexual diversity in our society. In our current political climate and in many communities both in America and around the world, living openly as a sexually diverse individual can come with significant negative consequences from families, communities, and society at large. Using solid research to work towards greater understanding and tolerance of sexual diversity in our society can bring about higher levels of personal and economic success and reduce the negative consequences of sexual diversity that not only harm individuals, but our society as a whole. Civil protections for sexually diverse individuals in housing, the workplace, medical care, family and relationship development, personal safety, and social safety nets could have immense consequences for our society as a whole. Whether these consequences are positive or negative will be determined by the civil protections developed, implemented and disseminated to our society as a whole.

Conclusion

There are many assumptions made about the sexualities and sexual behavior of American adolescents. While there have been numerous studies of some forms of adolescent sexual behavior, there has been very little research on sexual diversity and behavior. I argue that the previous research performed and used to determine the curricula disseminated to public school adolescents is too limited and too politicized to create effective, comprehensive programs. Assumptions about the sexualities of teachers, religious preferences in teaching, how curricula is taught to students, the sexualities of students themselves, political viewpoints, and the needs for a stable society create hurdles for effective and positive sexual education. Assumptions are not always correct and can leave the majority of adolescents without any real information on how to make positive choices with their sexuality and behavior. These negative consequences- including disease and pregnancy-come at both an individual and societal cost. This research will be instrumental in changing the focus of sexual education curricula towards an effective comprehensive program for all students which can truly be used to minimize the negative consequences currently faced by American youth and bring the statistics of these consequences closer to the lower numbers found in other first world nations. As a foundation for further study, this research can be used to more fully understand the true spectrum of sexual diversity and behavior in our society and lead towards more tolerance and understanding throughout society as a whole.

Sexual and Gender Diverse Adolescents and the Failures of Traditional Education in Public Education: Post #2

* Second part of the term paper titled "Sexual and Gender Diverse Adolescents and the Failures of Traditional Education in Public Education." This post covers the Literature Review portion of the paper.

Literature Review

There has been much discussion and disagreement about how the subject of sexual education should be taught in schools and what information should be provided in those classes. This discussion has included parents and schools as well as local, state, and federal governments and influence has flowed both ways. These conversations tend to revolve around concerns about government involvement in family life and sexual education, parental control of the information taught, moral values that might be included in sexual education, and what constitutes age appropriate sexual behavior. (Shtarkshall et al., 2007) The history of sexual education, which recently has enjoyed a increase in research and publications, illuminates a wide variety of curricula and the ways and means of teaching them. (Blout, 2016) It appears that the only consistency in the teaching of sexual education is the controversy and the zeal of the advocates and reformers that are drawn to it.

Over the last few decades, there has been much research has focused on whether different methods of sexual education have been ‘successful’ in terms of stated goals and the desires of the community. However, even here there is disagreement as to what the goals of sexual education programs are: whether to promote safe sexual behaviors in the events of the initiation of sexual experience, prevent negative consequences of sexual behavior such as sexually transmitted disease and pregnancy, or to restrict any sexual behaviors by individuals before marriage for moral or social reasons. It is also difficult to determine whether curricula or outcomes of sexual education are successful because its difficult to collate data across diverse studies. New research provides data that can be used for changing current programs and making them more efficient and successful for students. As it is generally accepted that public schools are the one institution in our society that is regularly attended by most young people, it is schools that have the widest opportunity and responsibility for teaching and addressing sexual risk taking behaviors. (Kirby et al., 1994; Silva, 2002) While limited sexual education has been available to young people for decades, “the AIDS epidemic would change the way many people viewed sexual education; the question was no longer whether schools would teach sexual education; it was what they would teach, and how, and to what end.” (Zimmerman, 2015)

For the purposes of clarity throughout this review, I would like to clearly define a few terms that will be used going forward:

Abstinence-only sexual education is typically defined as curricula that tell learners that they should wait to participate in sexual intimacy until they are married. (Kirby et al., 1994) These programs may also contain extra lessons on self esteem, communication, decision making, life planning, and cooperative learning. (Denny et al., 2002) To receive federal funding, these programs must also comply with Section 510 A-H of Title V which includes: an exclusive purpose to teach the social, psychological and health gains that are achieved through sexual abstinence, that abstinence is the expected standards for all students and the only certain way to avoid STD’s and pregnancy (Kohler et al., 2008), that a mutually faithful monogamous relationship in the context of marriage is the expected social standard and that sexual activity outside of marriage is likely to have harmful consequences for the student, potential children, and society. It must teach students how to reject sexual advances, how alcohol and drug use increase vulnerability to sexual advances, and the importance of attaining self sufficiency before engaging in sexual activity. (Rubenstein, 2017) Federal law also states that programs that use federal funds can not teach about contraceptives except to emphasis failure rates. (Jeffries et al., 2010)

Comprehensive sexual education (CSE) is defined as programming that seeks to postpone early sexual involvement, but also discusses both abstinence and contraception (the different methods available, instructions for use, etc.) as well as HIV/AIDS prevention. Some comprehensive programming also teaches other pertinent topics: human development and puberty, reproductive anatomy and health, pregnancy and prenatal care, consent, development of positive relationships, decision making, communication and interpersonal skills, and intimacy. (Kirby et al., 1994) Also, this type of sexual education may, if allowed by law, discuss sexual assault, sexual orientation, other sexual behaviors, and gender identity. (Jeffries et al., 2010)

One of the most important and easily quantifiable reasons that successful sexual education is needed can be seen in the recent statistics released for 2015 from the Centers of Disease Control. In that year, a total of 229,715 babies were born to women between the ages 15–19 years, for a birth rate of 22.3 per 1,000 women in this age group. In the same year, young adults (aged 13-24) accounted for an estimated 22% of all new HIV diagnoses in the United States. Half of the nearly 20 million new STDs reported each year were diagnosed in individuals between 15 to 24 years of age. (CDC, Sexual 2017) While 2015 shows birth rates for American teenagers at a record low with evidence suggesting the declines are due to abstinence and consistent contraception use, the teen pregnancy rate in the United States is still substantially higher than in other western industrialized nations, and racial/ethnic and geographic disparities in teen birth rates persist. (CDC, Teen 2017; Stanger-Hall and Hall, 2011)

Because we as a society have determined that pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases are unfavorable outcomes for adolescents, research identifying distinguishing characteristics in effective sexual education programs- whether comprehensive or abstinence-only- is key. According to Kirby et al., effective programs used social learning theories such as social cognitive theory, social inoculation theory, and cognitive behavioral theory, etc. as a foundation for program development and included a narrow focus on reducing sexual risk-taking behaviors that may lead to STD’s or unintended pregnancy. (1994) According to Jeffries et al., more than 140 national scientific organizations acknowledge that CSE can effectively meet adolescents’ sexual needs. Their conclusions are based upon numerous findings that CSE effectively promotes abstinence and may delay sexual debut, reduce sexual frequency, reduce the number of lifetime sexual partners, reduce the risk of STD transmission, and increase the likelihood of consistent contraceptive use. (2010) Silva, who analyzed the success rates of several studies, found that some studies believe that more parental involvement in teaching sexual behavior may have contributed to higher abstinence rates; however, she acknowledges that parents who were willing and able to participate in these programs may differ in important demographic or lifestyle characteristics from those who did not participate, possibly skewing the data collected. (2002) Through research based on a national analysis of all state data available, Stanger-Hall and Hall show that abstinence-only education doesn't reduce, and likely increases teen pregnancy rates, while comprehensive sexual education that included abstinence as a desired behavior was correlated with the lowest teen pregnancy rates across states. (2011) However, all of these studies have some limitations which make for a shaky foundation when creating new programs and protocols for more effective sexual education. As suggested by Silva, research in sex education could be greatly improved if more efforts were directed to test interventions utilizing random controlled trials, measuring intervening variables variables and a more careful and detailed reporting of the results. (2002)

One clear oversight in both abstinence-only and many comprehensive sexual education programs is the recognition and teaching of sexual diversity. Very little research has been completed with a view to understanding how to recognize and teach individuals who claim a sexuality other than heterosexuality and students who report any form of sexuality other than heterosexuality are removed from studies to keep the results consistent for the majority population studied. For example, Kohler et al. specify in their research that “Individuals reporting sexual orientation other than heterosexual were also excluded as programs do not address same-sex behaviors.” (2008) Denny and Young state that in their questionnaires that sexual intercourse is defined as “ the male’s penis is in the female’s vagina” while Weed and his group of researchers measured data based on “virgin students who went on to have vaginal sexual intercourse.” (2006; 2008) Valenti writes that educators in abstinence-only sexual education are mandated to define the term ‘marriage’ as only “a legal union between one man and one women as a husband and wife” and the word ‘spouse’ as only “a person of the opposite sex who is a husband or wife” (Valenti, 2009) Luker notes in her book that she restricted herself to heterosexuality discussions “as the public discussion itself did.” (2006) Blount states that same sex desire and gender nonconformity have been so strenuously and consistently rooted out of sexual education curricula that the need for rigorous scholarship and additions to sex education protocols is significant. (2016)

This oversight in the acknowledgment and instruction of sexual diversity has come at a high cost to LGBTQI students and young adults. Among young people (aged 13-24) diagnosed with HIV in 2015, 81% were gay and bisexual males. (CDC, Sexual 2017) Data provided from the 2015 National Youth Risk Behavior Survey of surveyed LGBT students states that these students are at an increased risk of being threatened, bullied, or injured on school property or online. LGBT students are also at an increased risk of sexual and physical dating violence, and rape. (no author, LGBT…2017) These students are more likely to have problems with depression and are four times more likely to commit suicide than heterosexual youth. (Frieden et al., 2015) Eight states- Alabama, Arizona, Louisiana, Mississippi, Oklahoma, South Carolina, Texas, and Utah- limit what teachers can say about homosexuality and some of these states require inaccurate information to be shared with students. (Segal, 2017) For instance, Alabama education law requires that sex education programs emphasize that homosexuality is not a lifestyle acceptable to the general public, that homosexual conduct is a criminal offense under the laws of the state, and prevents educators from mentioning “that some methods of sex are safe methods for homosexual sex.” (Rubenstein, 2017) Hess notes that if some abstinence-only providers mention homosexuality, it is mentioned as a lifestyle with shocking negative consequences that can only be solved by marrying someone of the opposite gender. (2010) Therefore, students who do not identify as heterosexual may not find any mention of sexual diversity in their taught curriculum and, if it is mentioned, only negative or possibly inaccurate information is provided. It is important to note that until recently, same sex marriage was not an available option for homosexual individuals, effectively telling these students that they must remain celibate throughout their life span. While the legal union of marriage is now open to either heterosexual or homosexual relationships, many sexual education programs still teach that if you are homosexual, you must remain abstinent unless you marry a partner of the opposite sex. (Hess, 2010) Lastly, teachers who identify as LGBTQI fall in the minority and it can still be a challenge for a teacher that is known to identify as other than heterosexual to keep a teaching job. This discrimination suggests to students that their sexuality can affect future employment unless closeted. (Jennings, 2005; Jackson, 2007)

Another significant problem with specific abstinence-only curricula is how these lessons are taught: metaphors used, abstinence decisions as absolutes, etc. Most abstinence-only curricula do not discuss consent or sexual assault, but do use metaphors that imply that sexual activity degrades the female body. (Valenti, 2009) These metaphors include licked cupcakes or chocolate, sharing cups of spit, chewed up gum, old and worn out shoes, a piece of tape, a rose with no petals, etc. (Rubenstein, 2017) When these metaphors are used or demonstrated to students, many students who have been victims of sexual assault see themselves as broken, dirty, or worthless. These metaphors increase feelings of shame, anger, and embarrassment in victims-- most of whom are women. (Valenti, 2009) Another drawback to using these metaphors is that the use of them can diminish the self worth of individuals who choose to have sex and make them more vulnerable to other health conditions such as depression, eating disorders, etc.

Therefore, it is vitally important that research is conducted and programs tailored to use successful strategies for teaching sexual education to students. An abbreviated listing of sexual education laws per state was compiled by the Guttmacher Foundation in early 2017 which found only 13 states require that the information taught in sexual education protocols must be medically accurate, only eight states require the teaching should be ‘culturally appropriate and unbiased’, and only two states require that sexual education teachings cannot promote religion. (no author, Sex 2017) According to Blount, no program will be successful until the curricula recognize young people as sexual beings, a viewpoint that defies many community assumptions about the sexual innocence of youth. He also states that researchers need to recognize or acknowledge the sexuality of adults who work with adolescents instead of the current standard of assumed asexuality or sexual purity of school workers as a class. (2016) It should also be a given that teachers’ beliefs about the content of sexual education curricula may influence what they teach their students despite what is specifically in the curriculum itself. (Jeffries et al., 2010) Zimmerman suggests that no program will be successful if, at its core, the goals are to control sexuality by fear. (2015) As there is so little consensus on what to teach, how to teach it, when to teach it and what aspects of programs are the most successful, it is vital to encourage further research and scholarship into the matter.

Self Reflection Collage

Here is two views of my finished product:

So here is a copy of my final art project. My silhouette is completed with more emphasis the disparate parts within the body- even though I think that most of the separation is really in my mind and attitude. My body has very little color because while I am not goth, I tend to where only dark colors no matter how often good friends have tried to get me to do otherwise. My hair is stringy and full of curls and craziness because that is the way my hair tends to be which is why it is always tied back and away from my face and skin- because my hair is so crazy I pretty much used gesture to create it while it is pretty obvious in other areas I was more careful with my line drawing. However, I feel more beautiful when it is down, hence, why I tried to leave it down in this work. My hands are folded to not only hold people and things back from me but to hold a book which is my favorite thing to do..... after cats. I am an animal fanatic and I have eight cats, five ferrets, and a hamster- all rescues with the exception of Desdemona the hamster. My son, cats, and reading are the highlights of my world... with an occasional eggnog for a treat. :)

Cupcakes and Thought

Yesterday, I snuck out of work at lunch to buy a cupcake. Not just any cupcake, but a fancy, big, full of gluten cupcake! I forgot that today was the last day for one of my co-workers who is headed off to a new job and I wanted to give her something. And the fact that I am broke and not willing to buy or make desserts for myself but I’m running around on my lunch time to buy a cupcake for someone else was something that I thought was a really interesting choice. So I gave it to her when I got back and a big hug and settled in for an afternoon of patients and testing and business and let my mind wander. And while I was being introspective, I discovered a few things.

The first was that I really work at a pretty cool place. I think I have known that for a bit, but even with its problems – as all places have problems- it’s pretty amazing. It feels a lot like Miller Drug did when Bill Miller still owned it and it was a business that cared about both its customers and employees. After he sold it and retired, everything changed quickly and I am so grateful that I no longer work there- those I know who do really struggle to feel anything positive and turnover is pretty astonishing. With the exception of two co-workers I love them all… and I get the feeling that they like me too. I work with several people of my faith so I feel a kindred spirit that I haven’t had the opportunity to have before… heck, most of them moved from Las Vegas as well. Isn’t that an amazing coincidence. :) I have only been at this job for about five months and while I do see some of the challenges and not every day goes smoothly, I can feel myself relax into a routine that feels quite nice. I spend the day helping patients, working as a team player and being valued for it, and as I learn a new occupation, I am finding myself learning new strengths and helping myself to grow in new ways. This place doesn’t have a great deal of turnover and has a few employees who have left for other jobs and then come back to work here again. (I think that says something pretty good on its own.) I haven’t really worked closely with patients since my emergency medicine days and as I gradually return to similar work, I realize how much I missed working with people and trying to help them improve their health and help through crisis, etc… But I have also found that I just love working with people who seem to love working with me. I’ve always found a handful of people in every place that I have worked that seemed to like and respects me, but not a majority and certainly not in such a way that many people would stick up for me- and feel they were in a safe enough, stable environment to do so. And it was in that thought that I realized that even though I do not know the co worker really well, she has been consistently kind and nice and I didn’t feel comfortable not acknowledging that… even if I could only do it in a small way. That in itself is pretty cool. :)

I think that I also wanted to do it because I think that even in small ways people appreciate knowing that they as people are valued. I don’t tend to feel that very often and while some of that is self esteem and therefore, my fault… a lot of it is the world we live in. All of us do not tend to take the time to show or gratitude to the people around us very consistently. We also tend to not comment on the small things that we quickly notice, appreciate, and then they leave our mind as we continue with our tasks or thoughts. Corrie has smiled every time she has seen me with only one exception- she didn’t smile when I came in with my broken foot for the first time. Granted I wasn’t smiling either ;) Knowing that my interactions with her in the future will probably be quite limited, I knew I only had a short window of time to do something to show her what her attitude and kindness have meant to me. A cupcake was so little, but she seemed to appreciate it and I am glad. I remember all the jobs I have had in the past and even when I was cared for, people pretty much said goodbye and that was it- the one exception was one workplace threw a pizza lunch for me, but forgot about my celiac disease so I couldn’t attend my own going away lunch- that was sad and funny all at the same time. I guess I knew how much it would mean to me and wanted to offer that experience to someone else. And so we parted, hugs all around and I have a phone number and email address in my pocket- more than I expected and was a gift in and of itself.
The last thing that entered my mind was that the fact that I am willing to splurge on other people but not on myself is something that I need to really analyze and look at. That tendency has been pointed out to me in the past by counselors and friends alike, and I have been able to acknowledge the truthfulness of their observation, but haven't felt like I could really change it. I feel a renewed urge to change that and so today, early.... six in the morning... I was at the store to get Brock some pasta and me some brownies Gotta start somewhere! :D

Happy Saturday my friends!

PTSD, Torture Specific Syndrome and the Varied Effects of Torture

In some of my readings, this week I was asked to look into the symptoms of psychological torture and how they differ from 'physical' torture. The psychological effects of torture are many, varied and while not as easily 'seen' by the naked eye as physical torture... as just as damaging to the victim's mental, physical and cultural health. However, unlike physical torture, psychological torture is harder to define, prove cause and effect, as well as determine whether it has occurred at all. (Maybe that is why more 'civilized nations' such as the United States will use it more than physical torture.... it gives the leaders plausible deniability. It also appears to give the perpetrators the 'idea' of being humanitarian but also getting the results that they are looking for.) So, whether torture was provided by physical means, psychological... or some of both, all have many of the same effects on the person affected. Isolation, for example, tends to produce changed brain function, disorientation, etc.... and has been described to have some of the same effects as a severe physical beating.

Other symptoms can be insomnia, PTSD and other mental health challenges, emotions such as guilt, pain, grief, anger, as well as problems that can bring back the images and feelings inappropriately. Many victims can feel pain in different areas of their bodies (constant or intermittent), migraines / headaches, troubles eating, social and relationship difficulties as well as severe problems with self identity. Delusions and other psychosis can be caused as well.

Unfortunately, it is also suggested by statistics and interviews that the people around the persona affected end up with many of the same symptoms, challenges and negative world views as the actual victim. So torture is not just the destruction and damage to one human life, but several... a bit like second hand smoke.... invisible but quietly making some internal changes that become difficulties and illnesses over time.

Torture Specific syndrome is usually described by four categories of symptoms:

1. impaired memory and concentration
2. sleep disturbances / nightmares
3. anxiousness, depression, physical symptoms that come without any findable cause, such as stomach complaints, breathing and heart problems,
4. other mental health problems such as depression or anxiety

These symptoms appear very similar to me as almost the same symptoms of post traumatic stress disorder and I suspect that these disorders are treated very similarly if not in the same ways. I'm actually a bit skeptical (and the textbook suggests many others are as well) that they are actually different disorders. It seems like they are just slightly different ways to describe the same problem. I wonder if people would feel more comfortable with one name over another.... like some parents did with the terms Asperger's over autism even though they are parts of the same thing. Not sure. Definitely some challenging reading this week. :)

What do you think? If you have been diagnosed with either disorder... which name 'feels' more comfortable to you? Any thoughts?

PTSD / Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome - The Basics and the Personal

This week I took an in-depth look at post-traumatic stress syndrome... otherwise known as PTSD. My experience with PTSD is both personal and community orientated. Some of my family knows that I have this diagnosis, but for those that do not... I am coming out of the closet ;) I was diagnosed with PTSD three years ago stemming from experiences that occurred before I was eighteen in my parent's household. (I am not trying to be mean about my parents … I frankly think at this point that they did the best they knew how and complaining or blaming doesn't change anything.) I have some friends who also suffer from this disorder and some acquaintances who struggle with it so badly that they really find it difficult to get through the day... every day. One challenge that people with this disorder face every day is that this problem isn't normally visible to the world around them. Unlike someone who is in a wheelchair or has a different physical problem, the world around you doesn't know for the most part that you need certain care, what that care is, etc... So when a situation changes and puts the individual into instinctual action, everyone surrounding you for the most part is unprepared to deal with it and the individual themselves just struggles to hold themselves together and pull their mind and feelings back to the present.

So for those individuals that do not know much about post traumatic stress disorder, let me share some of the basics. PTSD is usually caused by events that happen to a person (or persons) that are out of the ordinary and which someone's 'life or integrity' is at risk, affected, etc... The action can happen to the person or someone can develop this disorder from witnessing something severely challenging. When described in those words it seems (at least to me) like something simple and most simple things are easy to fix. From my own personal experience as well as the experiences that have been shared with me by friends or family, it is not simple at all. Another thing that I have noticed in my experiences is that PTSD is different and is responded to differently by anyone who has it and when I asked about that idea at a conference last year I was told that happens because people's personalities and how they handle and react to things initially are different and also their experiences and how they feel about them are different. Some healthcare professionals also believe that PTSD is more likely to affect 'vulnerable people' such as those with fewer defense mechanisms, fewer safe resources in family and friends, people with low self esteem, etc.... and others believe that getting the disorder could cause the self esteem, defense problems, etc... (Reminds me a little bit of the age old question of which came first... the chicken or the egg.) While most people have heard of PTSD being a consequence for soldiers who have experienced military combat, it is also common for victims of abuse, rape, torture and more. If there is one part of the definition that seems a bit challenging to define, it's 'out of the ordinary world experience'...? Wouldn't that also depend on the individual involved and what was normal for them? A good reason that even defining what causes the disorder can be difficult!

Even though the exact description of the problem isn't precise, the symptoms of PTSD are very easily defined. There are three categories that symptoms can easily be placed in; re-experience, avoidance, and arousal. Here is a basic breakdown of what those categories cover.

1. Re-experience - These symptoms include flashbacks and /or reliving the traumatic event for minutes or much longer. Some people get difficult dreams about the traumatic event(s)

2. Avoidance - Some symptoms include the attempt to try to avoid thinking or talking about the traumatic event, avoiding activities or people that you used to enjoy, feeling hopeless and anxiety about the future, difficulty with memory as well as emotional challenges (such as feeling numb or unable to feel much), and difficulty concentrating as well as maintain close, personal relationships.

3. Arousal - Some symptoms people may feel are increased anxiety, irritability / anger, trouble sleeping, being easily startled, frightened (jumpy), large quantities of guilt or shame, self destructive behavior in an attempt at self medicating or suppressing the problem, and even other mental disorders that can be caused by the heightened emotional and mental challenges

One thing that I spent a lot of time thinking about was the difference between remembering the experience and reliving it. At first, I didn't see much of a difference, but the more I thought about it ... I realized there is a very big difference! One thing that came to mind, I thought about a few people I know and how this disorder affects the way they do things. I thought of a friend who tends to make chaos in every situation she is in and it gives her something to feel good about and also sets her up as a victim if people get angry at her. She also misinterprets facial expressions and if some one gives her a quizzical look, she is enraged and will shun or try to hurt that person for weeks in her anger... yet also separates herself from anyone but family as well at that time. She never sleeps well and has migraines approximately twelve days of the month. One reason I was interested in this subject was that I want to understand how to help people dealing with trauma better than I do so that maybe I can be of help to others as they struggle. Maybe I can learn how to understand myself better and not have so much fear behind the 'smile'. My friend also fears the future and her children are their mother's PTSD? Not sure and that is just speculation on my part. I really wish there was something I could do for her, but I really can't figure anything out.

There are many treatments out there for this condition, but as people are different they are not always as successful as they could be. Doctors used medications as well as counseling and other therapies to try and help patients. I use medication and prayer as well as an anti-depressant and try to avoid situations which can cause me more challenges and panic. For the most part, that really helps me to do the things I need to and want to do comfortably and not have problems... which is a wonderful thing! I know that some brain problems an be helped by therapy to 'change' the wiring of the brain such as in sensory integration disorder (SID), sensory processing disorder (SPD), etc... I wonder if PTSD is more challenging than some disorders such as the ones I just mentioned because PTSD is something that was forced 'onto' the body and not an original part of it......

I would love to hear some of your thoughts... Do any of you have experience in helping people (or yourself) with this problem? What has been successful and helpful for you? If any of my readers feel comfortable sharing, please feel free to continue the conversation and we can learn together. :)

'Horcruxes' and a Lack of Appropriate Circumspection

“How did Ginny get like this?” he asked slowly.

“Well, that's an interesting question” said Riddle pleasantly. “And quite a long story. I suppose the real reason Ginny Weasley's like this is because she opened her heart and spilled all her secrets to an invisible stranger.”

“What are you talking about,” said Harry.

“The diary,” said Riddle. “My diary. Little Ginny's been writing in it for months for months and months telling me all her pitiful worries and woes....”

“So Ginny poured out her soul to me….”

“...but there isn't much life left in her. She put too much into the diary, into me...”

“Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets”


In the Harry Potter series, I was introduced to the idea of a horcrux- an object in which a person “places a piece of their soul.” A horcrux is a terrible object and the idea of slashing your soul into pieces is so abhorrent (at least to me.) But over some time, I started to wonder if unintentionally I had possibly 'created' my own horcrux. The recognition of that fact totally freaks me out... and I have spent the last few months really coming to terms with that. I talk to a counselor, I pray and I try to work on changing some of the thoughts and that has helped, but in the end I am still forced to recognize that I gave so much of myself to two other people... who I feel have efficiently taken a part of me and left the rest...

I recognize that a horcrux in the Harry Potter sense isn't a real object. I am certainly not confessing to any form of murder or hatred that I could channel to even attempt to create one in that sense. But I am an open person and I did have two great friends. My life will never be the same without my husband and the irony that he doesn't feel that I gave him enough of myself is hard to really understand as I feel the loss and the pain. Nothing seems to change the thoughts and feelings that I have lost everything and I don't even understand why. And to lose my very best female friend at that time has probably helped cement that feeling of loss, fear and ambivalence about the future. I had my life planned out and all of those plans feel trite and unattainable now. I truly feel like I placed all my hopes, my happiness and so much of who I am in these two people. A part of me wonders if I can ever feel whole again. A small part of me feels so apathetic about it that I'm not sure if I even care. And another part of me is so angry... because maybe I wouldn’t feel this way if I had poured most of myself into the Savior. While I feel like I have faith and a firm testimony, I also feel like I trusted these people more than I trusted Heavenly Father and the most powerful advocate that I could ever have. Either that …. or I have trusted them so much that I didn't feel like either the Father or the Son could actually hurt me... maybe so I didn't understand how being open and honest with others can really, really hurt? Not sure. In the end, I do not think anyone except my mother has caused me to feel so much pain in this life.

So over the last few months, I have worked hard to do (or not do) a few things. I have really tried to focus on opening more spiritual doors. One thing that I thought was really silly but I really think has been amazing is that I have picked up some of the materials that were written with a new investigator of Christ in mind and have actually sat and not only read, but even though I felt a little silly I tried to think about and answer all the questions. Another aspect about myself that I am finding uncomfortable is the idea that I no longer want to share with people. People who want to be my friend and who want to try and help me, good friends... It is so easy to just shrug or say that I'm fine than try to admit to the pain in my heart. Heck, I'm finding it challenging to admit to things that are good and I wonder if I feel so much fear and defensiveness that I do not feel like I can share because I am worried that these good things will be taken away from me. If that's not a silly fear, I don't really know what is. So I am trying to fight that feeling and that 'need' to conceal. It's a bit tough to acknowledge how hard it is to fight these feelings... where my soul yearns to speak, but my head clamps down and my tongue is silent or flippant or even diversionary. Anything to keep the questions at bay, to feel less fear, less concern.


I have been accepting callings and really trying to fulfill them. I have tried that in the past but it feels different now. I feel like if I fail or do not succeed at a calling now I haven't just failed myself... I have failed Heavenly Father. Maybe I should have felt that way in the past... maybe I shouldn't feel that way now. I don't know, but there is a sense of urgency about my callings that I have not felt in this way before. In the past, my focus as been really on the people I am trying to help and that has been how I have fulfilled my callings. I have prayed or focused on what people need and tried to take care of those needs and so a calling felt very personal and humbling. My callings still feel personal and I still have a lot of focus- I need it to accomplish them- but there is a small string of fear attached to every decision now. What people really think really matters so much? If I forget to do something and someone decides to lose their testimony or quit, I fear my part in it. Rationally I recognize that people are allowed to make their own decisions, that I just need to do the best that I can and that's all that is expected of me, but that doesn't remove the fear. So I focus on the callings with two emotions that I have never had attached to a calling before- a feeling of frenzy and need to be exceptional... or the feeling of ambivalence, that nothing I do matters as it will never be good enough. I am trying to actively try and fight both emotions now as I don't think either one is OK or good for me.

I guess in the end, I am actively trying to pick up the pieces of my soul and my life and move on. I am not sure that I can ever really feel whole again in the sense that I did before. I don't think I am the same person nor can I be. In some ways, I think I did create a horcrux because a part of me is gone and feels destroyed. Unlike a horcrux though, I feel like maybe I can use the magic of the Atonement and love to fill the empty spots. It will never be the same and I do wish it could be, but maybe the difference will be better for me and I can feel whole again. I would really, really like that. If anything, that is what my prayers are focused on now. Moving forward and moving on. Feeling loved and whole. May I get there soon. :)

What Motivates me to be a Leader and other Thoughts....

I have a few different thoughts on the first question; about what motivates me to be a leader. A few weeks ago, my easy answer would have been that nothing motivates me to be a leader and that I do not want to be one (leader). One thing I have learned is that whether I want to be a leader or not I am a leader. I am a mom... for a little while I will still be a wife... and I have a life and a spark and an energy that should be used and not squandered in confusion, misunderstanding and self pity. So what motivates me to be a leader...? Well, if I am going to be a leader (understanding that I will be a leader whether I 'want' to or not') I want to be the best leader that I can. I want to make change and help others and bring financial security to myself. I want to set up my life in a way that I am utilizing the little time I have on this planet to the best of my abilities at the time... and hope that as I try, my abilities will become honed and more able to tackle the difficulties that I will face in my future. There is a line in book six of the 'Harry Potter' series where Harry and Dumbledore are discussing the prophecy that has caused Lord Voldemort to chase Harry his whole life. In that paragraph, Dumbledore discusses the idea that Harry does have choices and he is not bound to follow the prophecy. At that time, Harry realizes that he has made a choice... and even though that choice was difficult and had large consequences attached to it, he smiles because while the situation hasn't changed... how Harry looks at it has. And as the character states : 'that makes all the difference in the world.' I feel in some ways that I am in a parallel situation... minus the mortal danger from Voldemort, that is. :) I can see myself as being forced into choices by other people... or I can see that they are making their choices and while those choices do affect me and my life, I can see how to make my own decisions. I can look at the situation less personally, more critically and see the blessings and positives that shine out of the gently woven tapestry of my life that seem s currently dark, drab, and limited. Even changing my mindset to look for the changes is a metaphoric golden thread that can help bring light and opportunities into my life.

I have several sources of motivation that I have been able to discover in my life. I think that a few might be more prescient right now and might even be motivations that everyone has because they are more instinct than motivation. I will have to let you be the judge. One thing that motivates me is my severe sensory issues. I do not always understand why I do some of the things that I do and why I do or do not like some things. Over the last few years as I have discovered that I do have sensory problems that that some of the things I do are considered truly 'normal' for someone with my condition who hasn't been treated, I have discovered that my body and mind instinctively react in ways that are not truly necessary or positive. However, rationally understanding this fact doesn't change the way my body/ mind react to a sensory assault. Some things such as smells I have worked really hard and have made progress on getting past the difficulties that they can give me. Some things such as water and noise, I have made little to no progress on and will probably need professional help to overcome. Along with the sensory problems is my gluten allergy- so severe that a small exposure can set me back 20 pounds in one week and take quite literally months to recover from. The motivation to stay safe from both sensory and food hazards is a huge motivator for me and I limit myself in many ways due to my concern and fear of pain, discomfort, and instinctive reactions that are not entirely under my control. (One reason I know that these two things are highly motivating is that I am willing to overcome a few other challenges to put them first in my mind. I try to hide in groups and be the same and blend in... but if confronted with something that challenges my sensory system or potential gluten exposure, I will stand up and stick out until I feel the situation is safe again or I have left. I am the person on the airplane that will make sure that nobody in several rows around me gets to eat a sandwich which doesn't make me very popular... but it keeps me safe and well. : D ) One other motivation is work- I truly like to be busy and I enjoy working towards goals or helping other people. Service is a big motivator for me and I really like how I feel afterwords.... like a little spark has been kindled in my heart and that I truly deserve a small break to enjoy the glow from the spark and a brief rest- I think that brief spark could be called joy. I m motivated to earn money and I am willing to do almost anything to earn it so that I feel secure. I think this motivation would be less strong if I did have more financial means and I wasn't always struggling to just hold my head about water. So I am a jack- of -all -trades and I work for the post office when they need me, teach CPR and first aid a few hours a week, take on freelance genealogy jobs, and I use websites to not only help me save money, but to earn a little bit as well. I am selling some of my belongings through Uncle Henry's and Ebay and I sometimes help people with some shopping for a little extra cash. On top of that add school and if I seem frazzled... well, I am! :O I am motivated by external concerns such as good grades, social status, what others say they think of me... and I am also motivated by a sense of satisfaction at a job well done. I feel inspired to help whenever anyone seems to need help … even if I am not sure what to do. I feel motivated sometimes in such a strong manner towards helping someone or working that I can often puss myself past my physical limit- in some ways my spirit is too willing... and my flesh too weak. ; )

I have quite a few extrinsic motivations if I think about it and look at my former thoughts. I am motivated my money, winning over others, teaching (which can be a form of power), and social status in the form of positive 'carrots'- I need to have good grades, feel liked, get praise, etc... Those carrots are very important for my happiness and to minimize my chronic case of low self esteem. If I was to place these motivations into an order from the most motivating to the least, the list would look a bit like this:
1. Social Status
2. Monetary Compensation
3. Winning Over Others
4. Having Power
There are so many traps that I could find myself entangled in through these extrinsic motivations. I can see myself doing things for money which could violate my personal or religious code as well as the laws of my community. I can see myself being willing to do things to please others that do not please myself... simply to feel that I have made someone else happy or made their lives easier. I defer to people that I have a perception of having a higher social status- which can have its ironies considering my liberal and feminist bent. I defer to people that I see as more knowledgeable than myself, have titles such as Dr., Professor, etc... and I also defer to all men in priesthood roles in my church (this can be a bad thing and isn’t necessarily church doctrine... I think I learned that at home as a child and even my liberal feminist bent hasn't changed that pattern of thinking.) Some of the ways to avoid becoming trapped in these external cycles of motivation are easy to state, but not as easy to put into practice. Working on understanding myself and developing appropriate self esteem would help me to avoid the problems that I can develop from doing things that other's want that I am not sure are a good idea. Developing confidence and self esteem will make it more possible to say 'no' and feel comfortable with my decision no matter what the reaction it provokes. Sometimes I think I say 'yes' so that people do not get mad... or I am concerned that they will not like me... but sometimes the answer really should be 'no.' One important way to avoid getting lost in some of these external traps is to recognize where your weakness are. By understanding the difficulty I have in one area (such as saying 'no'), I can recognize situations easier that might be a problem for me. Understanding my weaknesses can help me to learn compensatory techniques and also ways to deal with my difficulties. It is impossible to work with and understand a weakness that a person doesn't actually understand or acknowledge that they have. That's my thoughts at any rate.

I seem to have a good mixing of intrinsic motivations as well. I feel excited and inspired to help others, I feel joy at a job well done, I want to be true to my beliefs, and I like to be surrounded with people that I care about and people who care about me. If I was to place these motivations into an order from the most motivating to the least, the list would look a lot like this:

1. Making a difference in the world
2. Being associated with people I care about and care about me
3. Helping others
4. Satisfaction in my work and private life
5. Being true to my beliefs

Looking at these lists side by side – I actually printed them out and lay the paper in front of me to study- I found a few interesting things. The first that seemed fairly obvious is that my external motivations are really almost at 'war' with my internal motivations. Social Status and monetary compensation when put first (as I have done) on the list doesn't really compute with the first two on my internal motivations list. The first list (extrinsic motivations) appears to be more of what I tend to follow when push comes to shove... and that is a shocking realization for me. In fact, that seems fairly shallow and self centered... and those words are not words I would ever have thought to use to describe myself. It appears to me that I need to take some time to look at both of these lists more fully and really look at the major motivator behind most of my extrinsic motivations- which appears to be fear. In the past I have recognized that I have some aspects of fear in some parts of my life, but I do not think I have recognized until now how much fear actually rules my life and my choices.

After chewing on the ideas that I mentioned above I thought of a few situations in my life where I have had trouble: i.e, I had conflicts between my external and internal motivations. Looking at those situations I seem to have found a pattern. If pushed too hard, the external motivations were given first shot and I rarely felt very satisfied with the outcome. In fact, I didn't feel satisfied or happy at all... and maybe that is the point. Maybe I need to get past my fear to stick up for myself and others and that will help me to find my joy and 'sweet spot.' I really think that the major reason that I do cave to people is fear and while the reasons for the fear maybe different in these situations... its effects are the same. I feel closed off, unhappy, confused, and certainly unsure and sometimes I feel too much pressure and I just want to run. I haven't run for years though... that's a good step!

I then tried to take both lists and put them together in the 'true' order that I think they are actually formulated in my life- as I doubt we divide our thought and actions into separate lists very often. Here is what the finished product looked like. It actually changed quite a bit in the thought process. An asterisk shows an intrinsic motivation.
1. Having power (this moved to the top because I began to see power as a form of control... and if you are fearful you are more likely to control the things around you and have that need to control. And the more I thought about it, this placement made more sense.)
2. Monetary Compensation (as long as I feel poor and unable to even buy the medicines to keep me healthy I think this will always rank high... especially as I seem to have proven to myself that I am willing to work long hours for little compensation.)
3. Helping Others *
4. Being associated with people I care about and care about me*
5. Social Status
6. Making a difference in the world*
7. Winning over others
8. Satisfaction in my work and private life *
9. Being true to my beliefs *
I did wonder if because of the way I interpreted power if it should be both asterisk free and have an asterisk, but I did leave it asterisk free for now.




Unfortunately, I am not really sure that I am very impressed with the above list. Oh well... at least it was as honest as I could make it due to my thoughts and understanding. :) I think I have several capabilities and strengths. I am not afraid of work and I have a love of learning. I am fairly tolerant and very generous to others. I am great at bringing a smile to the face of other people and working to listen and help in the areas that people feel most needy. I am quite loyal and even when someone has caused me great difficulty and even rejected me and who I am , I find it easy to continue in some ways supporting them and doing the things they need. :) I think I am also pretty strong and can function and sustain a fairly large emotional and physical load for a long period of time which gives me more options and solutions of problems than some people have. I have a great deal of experience with dealing with people in crisis and with serious difficulties- such as substance abuse, domestic violence, mental illness, developmental disabilities and poverty.

But I would be remiss if I didn't mention some of my challenges and weaknesses. I do not have a lot of confidence in myself and I am very likely to place my trust in others even if I am not really comfortable with their conclusions. I find myself sometimes forgoing the care of myself to help someone else... which in the long run affects both me and the other individuals negatively. I have some difficulties with consistency and I do have a strong emotional base that I can find quite difficult to hide at times... especially in situations where I feel hurt, threatened or harmed.

So looking at my strengths and my listed motivations, here is a list I came up with for areas where the two groups seem to combine or can be blended.
1. I have a great need to help others out of poverty and to help myself out of poverty as well.
2. I have experience and a great love of helping people in difficult circumstances get out of those circumstances.
3. I am strong and can help someone with difficulties for a long time so that they can have help consistently for a better and more positive outcome over the long term.

It seems to me that there are a few situations where I would be quite successful and find some joy and peace in my decisions.
1. I could work towards becoming a foster parent for developmental disabled children and even a long term adoptive parent.
2. I could finish my degree and get work as a social worker in areas that I have strengths in such as children, substance abuse, child protective services, and mental illness.
3. I could start a not for profit for helping children and adults with disabilities in my area have the resources that they need to be more successful, more healthy, and to be more productive members of society.

There are probably other things that I could do, but these were the few that not only first came to mind, but have been popping into my head over the last few weeks as ideas for my future that seem reasonable and I also find fairly exciting and energetic about. All three would take a huge amount of time, energy, and also would require that I expend a bit of time, energy and focus on continued building of my strengths and capabilities. All three would require learning and development in areas that I do have strengths but not necessarily the knowledge that is needed. I would also need to work with people who do not necessarily think like me and have strengths and difficulties in different areas of their lives which can help me to grow in understanding, generosity, and joy. This list helps me to feel hopeful and also seems to be helping me to discover a new direction in my life which sounds difficult and challenging, but worthwhile, exciting and downright fun and rewarding. I have already started to make priority lists for all three to ponder and really think about to see where my energy and time should best be focused. Some parts of the future look quite exciting now. :)

Introspection on my Past, Abilities, and Recent Thoughts: part 2

Here are the last paragraphs of the last posting....

My current view of life is a journey, but very open ended. I am not sure where I am headed nor do I know for sure where I want to go. All of my goals right now in many ways are short term. Get a good job…. finish school…. try to fix my home situation….. try to survive… stay healthy… - nothing for the most part that is entirely long term and cannot be changed. And all the goals are sort of vague as to what things I need to accomplish them I need to do. I am trying really hard right now to learn about myself and to try and understand how I am different and become a better communicator and person, but I do feel constrained and frankly I am split in some ways I see life as a great learning experience, but I see most learning as painful, difficult and I am not always sure that it is worth the struggle. I tend to also see most positive experiences as something that I cannot easily attain for many reasons whether it is my insecurity in my ability or my lack of physical assets, etc…

In my lifetime I have had a few leadership experiences. I have been a director of a play for grade school children, a mother, a medical supervisor for a drug abuse/crisis center for teens, and an advisor for a church youth program that due to circumstances gave me no authority but all the responsibility. As a director, I found that I didn’t understand the craft and I didn’t have a stable enough life at the time or the confidence to accomplish it and I gave the job to someone else. I have failed as a mother. As a medical supervisor, I found that the people I supervised didn’t like to do the extra work and nothing I said could convince them to do so- I ended up redoing and doing most of the work myself until I gave up and found a different job elsewhere. As an advisor, I did step up to do the work and sacrificed almost everything. After I had given everything I had for several months, I was ‘fired’ (which I didn’t know was possible from a church job), not given the basic decency that other members would have been given for my work and I have not accepted a job since. I really put all of my time, passion, much of my extra monetary resources and joy into that job and I felt beaten and slapped and unappreciated after my firing. I haven’t been willing to risk that again since. (And I can’t imagine why anyone would want to read any of this- what depressing piteous drivel.)

I think what I need most are some really positive experiences with people that I genuinely believe want to help me improve and have no other motives that that. I need experiences where I am gently pushed forward, encouraged and helped as I struggle. I need to find a way with being OK with who I am and wanting improvements for me and because they are good for me… and not for someone else. I think I also need to reach an understanding that I appear to be a leader… whether I want to be or not, so I should try to be the best. :)

I think what I need most are some really positive experiences with people that I genuinely believe want to help me improve and have no other motives that that. I need experiences where I am gently pushed forward, encouraged and helped as I struggle. I need to find a way with being OK with who I am and wanting improvements for me and because they are good for me… and not for someone else. I think I also need to reach an understanding that I appear to be a leader… whether I want to be or not, so I should try to be the best. :/

As for the idea of entering a new phase in my life, I am totally unsure that is actually true. I feel like I am in a holding pattern and attempting to find a life in this holding pattern and struggling to find the right ideas and words to move in a positive direction from it. I am not sure if I am astute enough to recognize when I am in a new phase until the new phase is ‘over’ and I am in the reality that has continued…? I have no idea if that made any sense or not. I think that the term ‘new phase’ assumes that when change is happening a person is introspective enough to deal with it and to make decisions that are based on what could happen. When I have had change such as the ‘firing’ I mentioned above, I did nothing new but lick my wounds and not accept another job. I didn’t see it as an opportunity that I do see it could have been now. So I think that figuring out you are in a ‘new phase’ may be easier for some people than others or maybe my reaction to all new phases in my life is to curl up, close ranks, and try to deal with my emotional aftermath from it. So if I look at this time in my life as a potential new phase simply because I am still alive and still here ready to work, I think some of the goals I would make wouldn’t change from the ones that I am currently attempting to complete. I would try to survive and learn more about myself, try to stay healthy and work on my family, try to develop better skills and finish my degree. I think that is a pretty tall order already. :)

There are several adjustments that I think I might need to make. However, none of the adjustments seem easily feasible or even possible for me in my current situation. I need to learn how to change thinking patterns and I think doing that on my own is not only slow but I have no way to truly understand if I am doing it or to measure progress. Sometimes I am not even sure where to start- after all you can’t start on everything that is wrong all at once. And, in all honesty I am quite a biased party. How can I figure out what is most important if I have difficulty looking at me separately from being me? I need to find a way to feel more confident and improve my self-esteem- how do you break through the patterns of thirty-six years if cannot really understand what is a pattern… what patterns are good and acceptable, what patterns are not… and in what areas I turn positive experiences into negative ones? Where does the pattern start positively and since I can’t see it or understand it… I change it? Have I even now seen any real part of any patterns or am I like the electron that sifts so far away from the nucleus that the patterns I see have no relationship to the whole…? I have no idea how to even define adjustments at all and that is fairly scary as well. Even in area where I feel like I have made great inroads to success like financial stability, I feel easily dismissed and I easily decide that I haven’t accomplished anything worthwhile at all. It takes a few days to remind myself that what I think counts, and working towards something that is important to me matters whether others believe it or not. (And a few days I think is pretty good even though I think that I have to remind myself for weeks or the positive traction is gone.) I need to continue to focus on the positive and I need to continue to work on showing caring and forgiveness to myself. I need to maybe adjust my defense mechanisms to allow other people in… although I have no idea how to begin that process on any kind of large scale.

Some ways I can try and change these experiences to something positive...? I can take my past experiences and try to re-frame them. Instead of allowing myself to remember them with the negative emotions and the ‘selfishness’ of my own view and what I felt at the time, I can try and stand back and look at how the other parties not only reacted but what might have caused their reactions. What were they thinking? How to they respond to life in general? I can certainly see that in some ways I am very much my mother’s daughter…. I am more likely to back off than attack and I am more likely to stay away than fight and lash, but I still feel all of those things. While I may not have a mental health disorder that causes me to react and ruminate and lash out at others the way my mother does, in many ways I still think the ways that she does so I simple have different reactions… maybe? Maybe I think I do and I don’t…? Maybe I just want to think I am different and I am simply a carbon copy of the original but I don’t have the excuse of mental illness to justify my behavior. Maybe I am just so hard on myself I am unable to take my experiences and change them to anything positive because I am not sure what really constitutes positive. I know I don’t think I can do this on my own and in many ways I am married with children, pets and friends… and I am still alone. Except for possibly trying to reframe them and try to look at them more positively, I am not sure how I can learn from any of my past. I feel like I need to find a way to simply shed it and the baggage if gives me like a skin from a lizard or I can’t overcome it. I am also aware that isn't really possible... so I will try to keep thinking I guess.

Instrospection on my Past, Abilities, and Recent Thoughts: part 1

This post is a bit of a hodgepodge and will be in broken into two parts due to length. It has thoughts and introspection on myself, my past experiences, influences, and how I think I have seen the world for many years and that I am trying to change. In some ways this is a very esoteric post and asks more questions than it truly answers about me and what I think. I am not even really sure what I learned about myself through this exercise except a little more self- loathing and a determination to keep trying to affect change in my life because I do want something better and I don't want to hurt as much as I do and I do want to trust and have people in my life. So here are some thoughts... and God help the thinker.!

I have mentioned before that I do not feel like I have had good leadership experiences. This of course leaves a fairly empty field to draw positive experiences from when looking at my past. If I look at the parts of different experiences that I feel good about I find that I have a few more options to look at. If I look at passion, I really like to give of my time and possessions in service to other people. I think that I have a hard time with boundaries so that I sometimes do not know when I should stop giving, how to say no, and to also curb my impulsive nature to just give even when I don’t have it to give. (I think I am in some ways trying to buy the attentions and goodwill and friendship of other people. I am not really sure how successful that has been in my life.) I feel passionate about helping people improve, in trying to understand people and their behavior and motivations and I feel passionate about being successful and helping others find that success too. However, I am not sure I have the skills or understanding to be helpful in many areas and I am not sure that I have had a lot of positive inspiration that has actually caused change in my life. I am not trying to avoid the idea I don’t think. I just have really struggled to find positive change from inspiration from my life in my thoughts and memories and I can’t seem to find any yet. I don’t know if that is my memory, my perspective, or my current trials that tend to block out a lot right now.

When I look at the early patterns of my life story and the people in it, it seems fairly clear that a large part of my childhood was quite negative or my early experiences were such that as time went on, my learned biases and perception of the people and actions around me became negative because my early experiences were. The entire early story that I remember is struggle, fear, the feeling of needs not being met – and I think it is fair to say no self-esteem or confidence in myself. (Certainly over the last year I have come to describe it as self-loathing and failure.) The patterns seem to show a want or a need, a lack of fulfillment for many reasons, frustration and hurt which then manifest as anger and a form of push back whether through action or withdrawal. I have also noticed a strange trust pattern- I will not share with people I do not trust, I trust very easily, if trust is broken the relationship is broken and I walk away from it. That doesn’t make a great deal of sense to me. If I am going to look at people from my early life, I would say that my interactions with my parents were not positive and so they were not positive influences to me and my choices. Ashley Kendrick was my first real friend, and the loss of her due to moving away when I was twelve is a loss that I still feel. She feels like the only positive force in my life in the earlier years. While my siblings helped form memories and action through experience, most of those interactions were negative as well. My mother (whether intentionally or not) would ‘pit’ us against each other and so no positive strong relationship could possibly have been built- at least not by me. I also think that one of the most positive (and negative) things that did happen to me as a child until about the age of fourteen to sixteen was a very strong fantasy life. I think that my creativity and my ‘alter ego’ so to speak helped me to struggle through and sometimes laugh in a life that at sometimes I couldn’t imagine living for or in much longer. In many ways, when I was eighteen I tried to live a life reborn, but found it difficult with the baggage I have carried with me for so many years… and still carry so much of.

I have been dissatisfied with myself in a leadership role in every instance I can think of in my life. Thinking of constructive criticism and experiences with it are nearly impossible for me and I realize that is because all criticism to me is personal. I am not sure there is a way- at least not until recently- to give me criticism in a way that I could truly comprehend it and understand it as a critique on action or thought… and not me as a person. I am not at all convinced that is entirely my fault, but I am unwilling to relinquish responsibility for my biases and prejudices and blame my lack of understanding on anyone else. I also wonder if people were able to feel the anger and hurt underneath and didn’t feel that they had a way to give me constructive feedback. I can remember sometime when I did received feedback (not in a leadership role) and I think that my reaction to it was probably not typical. I remember once getting to go on a church trip without my parents and I was criticized on two things. Once I was told that I should buy as much food with my food card or I would be out by the end of the week. I clearly remember not listening and being a little sad at the end of the week and hungry, but feeling full for a few days and eating what I wanted felt so wonderful that I couldn’t see the criticism as valid… and in some ways I still don’t. That feeling of satisfaction for a few days was truly wonderful and I think of it sometimes when I volunteer at my local food pantry… I wonder if that is one reason I like to volunteer at the local food pantry…? Another time was actually on the same trip (clearly that was a big event in my life! :) and someone whose name is lost to me would correct me every time I ate a bit of food. I guess my teeth would touch my utensil and make a sound. So she would lay her hand on my arm and remind me every time I took a bite of food. My reaction was to not only find no enjoyment in the meal but to stop eating so that I wouldn’t be looked at and I still sometimes attempt to not eat in front of people because I am worried that I don’t look nice while eating and I have poor manners. I think I am still quite a loud eater when I think of it. So I am not sure that if I did get constructive criticism, I would recognize it and be able to recognize what my response to it should be.

I think I have felt that way (the victim) often in my life, but I haven’t called it that or thought of it in that way. I don’t like to feel like a victim; I want to be me and to feel happy and satisfied and successful. I think that sometimes I really don’t understand how not to sometimes. I have been told that I communicate differently than other people and I misunderstand things a lot so I feel very insecure stepping into a strong role. I worry that I will cause difficulty to others or even harm that I didn’t intend to make. I worry that my being me is a problem and maybe it would just be easier to stand back and do what I understand others to tell me to do. That seems so much safer. That way I can get along safely and not be a victim and can find some peace and can give of the talents I think that I have but not hurt other people.

When thinking about whether my earlier experiences constrain or hold me back, the answer is fairly simple. My earlier experiences do constrain me. I may look free and not like I am controlled, but in so many ways I am as confined as someone who has her hands and feet tied and locking in a dark room. If I allow myself to impulsively act, I tend to feel regret or feel that I am told that I am wrong. I do not feel a lot of trust, I am limited by my mind, my allergies and my fear, and so ever circumstance is one that can be used to show me why I am wrong, not a good person, and being part of a team and doing a good job as part of a team is a way to feel successful without a lot of attention on myself. Over the last year I have been trying to understand how to re-frame some of my experiences, but so many of them have so much emotion attached to them and my life feels sort of emotionally unstable right now that I am unsure how to even go about doing that any more.

A New Year... and a New Perspective/Start.

A New Year! Please do not think that I am being even the tiniest bit sarcastic when I say 'Thank God for a New Year!' I am so grateful for the New Year. I know that the idea of a new year is mainly symbolic- that your life hasn't really changed... that the trials and difficulties that you are facing haven't just disappeared or even been resolved... In reality, nothing surrounding you has changed.

However, the symbolism of the new year invites us to once again become introspective and to really look inside ourselves and see what we lack or what we wish to change... what we see and are disappointed to find...and maybe what we wish to accomplish that we have been putting off (self reflection so to speak). This time of year reminds us that the time is now... not later, and the change that we want to see in the world must begin with us. So, while we should take the time to be introspective and mindful every day, many of us don't and that is a skill and a habit that I am still trying to develop.

So I have spent time over the last few weeks really looking at my life and instead of focusing on the trials ans the pain, I have tried to really try and figure out what I have control over and what I would like. And also, what is necessary. But, I made a few rules for myself. One rule is that I can only make a few changes or attempts to change - otherwise all of my good intentions will go the way of most New Year's resolutions... which is distraction, disappointment, and failure. Also, I wanted to pick three things that people could hold me to- I would have one year to complete and the goals should be easy enough to substantiate by others so I couldn't just blow it off. I really wanted to know that I could be held accountable. And last, I wanted the few goals that I shared to be ones that were not too personal so I felt like I could discuss them with others. I am determined to not just get so busy that I do not continue to work on these goals as well as a few personal ones. So here they are...

1. I want to have the credits for both of my minors concentrations to be completed this year- I think it is quite doable.

2. I am pretty horrible at math. I would like to study enough and learn enough to be able to take the placement test at college and pass it - i.e. I want to pass it enough that I am not relegated to prehistory math.... yes, I am really that bad. But it I am able to place high enough to take pre-algebra and algebra and pass them- I will have my associates degree!

3. I would like to get one paying genealogy job this year. It doesn't need to be a big one, but I would really like to test my talent on someone who isn't a friend or relative and really hone my skills! I think that would really do quite a few things for me... including boost my self esteem. And it is something that I love!

So those are a few of my thoughts... What are your goals for the new year? And how many of you will pay attention and help hold me to mine...? :)

A Boost!

I got a heck of a compliment today from a college professor- she was already my very favorite, but this really, really made my day! So I thought I would share. Some parts of my life are having some serious challenges, but I am doing OK at school. :)

December 9, 2010
To Whom It May Concern:
I am writing on behalf of Badgerdown who has been a student in my 400 level online Discovering and Interpreting Local History course this fall. Badgerdown is an excellent student. Her work is always of the highest quality and she contributes greatly to class discussion. Many times, she has started the discussion on the discussion board and her classmates respond very well to her comments. She is also very helpful and supportive of her classmates in adding her own insights to what they have said. She responded to her classmate’s posts immediately with student introductions which helped me to create a virtual classroom experience. I think that Badgerdown and her classmates have become well acquainted with one another even though they have never met one another. Badgerdown’s work ethic, attitude and passion for history helped to make this happen.

Badgerdown’s work has been thoughtful, analytical and well written. She is a motivated student who completes her work and is willing to interact with the professor on a regular basis. Even though Badgerdown and I have never met, we correspond several times a week. I believe that Badgerdown has added so much to this class based on her own family history research experience and I believe that she has taught me as much as I have taught her. When I ask her a question or a classmate asks her a question about her experiences, she is very willing to answer the question and there have been times when she has gone online and found information that she has then shared with the class; this was never a requirement of the class, but I appreciated her wanting to help and to answer questions.
I consider Badgerdown to be an excellent candidate for your honors program. If she were an UMPI student, I would encourage her to be in the UMPI honors program and I would encourage her to become a history major so that I could have her as a student in more of my classes. When my colleagues ask me if I miss classroom interaction by teaching online, I tell them no and I then give Sonia as an example of the caliber of student I have found through my online courses. I look forward to reading Badgerdown’s comments on discussion board and her papers because she is such a good student and she contributes so much to both her classmates and to me. I highly recommend Badgerdown to your program.
Sincerely,

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University of Maine at Presque Isle

This is one of the most positive letters I have ever received in the sense that I am painted in such a good light. That isn't something I have grown used to... but I think I would like to hear good thoughts like this more often. I am going to celebrate with a sushi dinner tonight and enjoy the confidence and sense of worth that I have built up this semester. :)

Thoughts on Somatoform Disorder... and a Lot of Questions!

1. Somatoform disorder is the name for a group of conditions in which the physical pain and symptoms a person feels are related to psychological factors. These symptoms can't be traced to a specific physical cause. In people who have a somatoform disorder, medical test results are either normal or don't explain the person's symptoms. This group of disorders includes: Conversion disorder, Dissociative disorder, Somatization disorder, Hypochondriasis, Factitious disorder, and Body Dysmorphic Disorder.


I will admit that after reading my texts twice- I am still not sure that I 'get' Somatoform disorder. Or at least I thought that I was starting to get it until I read a lot of the other posts from my other classmates. Everyone seemed to focus on hypochondriacs and while I do think that was part of being discussed... well, I guess I wasn't really convinced that was the whole idea... And the amount of backbiting/rudeness and judgement was quite impressive ('I know someone just like that and she does it for the attention...' or 'I know someone who definitely fits this disorder and they go to the doctor all the time but it's clear there's nothing wrong with them', etc...)

Am I wrong? Maybe I am so focused on the idea that I was so sick and nobody could find anything wrong for a year. I had x-rays, ultra sounds, a colonoscopy or two, and was poked and prodded by everyone imaginable in my local practice and was given huge antibiotic shots every few weeks, started Prozac and was then sent to a third specialist... who then gave me an upper-endoscopy and then told me that all of my symptoms made perfect sense for the problem that I was really having... which wasn't recognized by any of the other physicians that I had seen.... So how can you really be sure that someone is a hypochondriac and doesn't really have something physical wrong with them? Especially just by casual looking or conversation...? The textbook talked about how women are more likely to be diagnosed with this disorder... can this be because physicians as a rule are more likely to think women have something wrong with their mind (anxiety, etc) than a heart attack for instance... and so they do not look deep enough? Or am I just overly tolerant and not cynical enough?

I guess I also wonder if pain disorders have to be specifically 'pointed' at in the sense that I think that Fibromyalgia is a 'pain disorder' but there doesn't seem to be anything specific to 'point' at- they hurt, but no one seems to know for sure why? Are they hurting?... I have no doubt. Is it all in their mind? I can't believe that... Also if I look at the criteria, is it possible that someone with a bad relationship and stress problem be able to be 'diagnosed' with this disorder that with time and other changes could no longer qualify for this disorder? For instance, if my friend Pamela has belly pain and reflux from stress (she thinks), a sex symptom- because she has no interest in sex with her estranged husband right now, and she is also likely to complain of random chest pain, a twitching eye, headaches, and leg pain... could she be diagnosed with this disorder if her doctor can't find anything definitive? Even though a casual discussion and exam could probably show that this is most likely temporary and stress related? And once you are diagnosed, can you ever 'lose' the diagnostic label... or is it yours forever? I also wonder which came first- the label hypochondriac or somatoform disorder... although I suspect that the term hypochondriac came first. I guess I have more questions this week than answers- sorry :(

One thing that was really interesting to me was that Body Dsymorphic Disorder is one of the disorders under this diagnosis- known to us lay people usually as anorexia or bulemia. Because maybe that is my clue for understanding the idea of the disorder. If the idea behind BDD is than an individual for some reason is unable to accept who he/she is or what he/she looks like or can't be what he/she wants to be... is able to for unknown reasons in her mind attempt to force the body into what he/she cannot have (and I believe that is done unconsciously truly- I can't imagine that those thought processes are something that someone works on to develop... although I could be wrong.) Well, than maybe what the book is trying to say is that a person has so much 'stuff' in his/her life that is painful (whether it is abuse, stress, etc...) that they cannot control... then the unconscious mind tries to get out some of the strain through other various ways which the individual doesn't tend to recognize and then they go to the doctor thinking that they had another problem. But I guess I am again stuck on the idea that at some point the doctor can decide that the patient has nothing really wrong and diagnose them with this when it could be something else.

Does anyone out there know someone who has one of these disorders and can maybe give me a little more insight into it? I really am curious and want to have a real discussion on it. What do you think if you are someone who has it? Would you be willing to explain a little bit of your personal history so maybe I can understand a little better?