Grief

Someone once told me that grief hurts so much because it is love that has nowhere to go. The love you have that you want to share is trapped inside you and escapes through your tears and the shaking that those tears create in the rest of your body. Most days I am doing well. I have so many wonderful things happening and I have so much to point to with gratitude and joy. But some days, I find it harder to focus on the good things. I found myself sitting with Bug today watching different pieces of the Harry Potter films and thinking about my grandparents. I thought of my grandmother laughing, serving turkey and gravy to everyone with a dishtowel tucked into her apron. I thought of the look she would get when she would look at me- like I was an amazing treasure in her eyes. I thought of my grandfather and how just a few months ago, I was able to sit next to his hospital bed and hold his hand. I could feel the warmth and strength in it... and also the fragility. When I left to return to Maine I cried, because I was worried it was the last time I would see him alive... and it was.

I have spent much of this evening thinking of both of my grandparents who I didn't get to spend enough of my time with and lost so much time with them that I dearly wish I could have now. So sometimes, I find myself sitting quietly in the dark with the tears running so quickly down my face that everything is a blur and my glasses are too coated to afford vision. And while I sit and pray and feel desperately alone in my grief, I hear the small soft sounds of cat paws. And within a few minutes I am no longer alone. I have Mina glued to my side like coconut oil and Minion's comforting weight upon my lap. I listen to Roccu sitting on the top of the couch behind me, purring fit to burst. And for that moment, the darkness seems to ease and I no longer feel alone. No, I didn't have enough time with my grandparents and I regret that very much. But I am also grateful because I was given more time with them than I might have gotten. Grief is a process and I know I will work through it, but for tonight it holds me in its grip and I will embrace it until I am able to feel the peace enter my heart again. I know I will see them both again someday, but for now that feels like 'some day' too long.

Nothing worth having comes without some kind of fight... Got to kick at the darkness 'til it bleeds daylight - Barenaked Ladies

Mina Snuggles

I rarely sleep on the couch for many reasons. It is fairly uncomfortable, I tend to feel cold, and as the couch is a major cat stampeding ground I can find myself waking up feeling like a soft mountain being pummeled by the rush of feet and purring... the sound of the pounding of the feet echoing in my ears for minutes afterwards mainly because the stamping tends to continue. The full extent of the stampede tends to start in the kitchen then up the counter onto the stove, then the kitchen table, then the island... then down to the floor and onto the couch, then down the couch and onto the television and a leap to the top of the treadmill with a last drop to the plant table... and then back to the kitchen to start the circuit again. As you can imagine, that kind of behavior is not conducive to sleep. Actually, it is not conducive to doing homework either when you are trying to type as Salem leaps up onto the table leading the others running right over my keyboard. Sometimes their toes rip off keys and my colorful language after some of these episodes is loud and contains lots of sighs and stomping.

But last night I had friends over and, as I had loaned them my bed, the couch had my name on it. And as I settled in, Mina jumped up and squashed herself in between me and the back of the couch. She is a funny cat. She is very hesitant and reticent during the day- many of my good friends who come over often have rarely caught even a glimpse of her. But as soon as the sun is low enough in the sky that dusk has settled she allows herself to wander within eyesight and fairly close to me. And when it is dark and only vampires are up and moving, Mina is at her ease and ready to cuddle, play and purr. She doesn't like to hang out on the bed much though as there are already a few cats stretched out on it every evening. So it felt wonderful to have her come up and squeeze herself in such a small space and quite touching that she would reach out a paw if I started to move or adjust myself to communicate that keeping me close was her fondest wish. That was wonderful and it was with a light heart that I was able to try and fall asleep again after every stampede... for she would reach over and push me down reminding me that my job was to sleep and hold her. A small gift last night. :)

"Love At Home"- A Song in Pictures :)

Today is sunny and, while not warm, it is so beautiful. The cats are looking longingly out the windows and sleeping in the beams of sun that are streaming through the windows. So for fun, and because so many of my posts have been so serious lately- analysis and school work and I thought some of my readers might like something a bit more restful on this Sabbath day, here are the lyrics to 'Love at Home'... as symbolized by my pets. :)

There is beauty all around,
When there’s love at home;
There is joy in every sound,
When there’s love at home.
Peace and plenty here abide,
Smiling fair on every side;
Time doth softly, sweetly glide,
When there’s love at home.

Refrain
Love at home, love at home;
Time doth softly, sweetly glide,
When there’s love at home.

Kindly heaven smiles above,
When there’s love at home;
All the earth is fill’d with love,
When there’s love at home.
Sweeter sings the brooklet by,
Brighter beams the azure sky;
O, there’s One who smiles on high
When there’s love at home.

Jesus, make me wholly Thine,
Then there’s love at home;
May Thy sacrifice be mine,
Then there’s love at home.
Safely from all harm I’ll rest,
With no sinful care distress’d,
Thro’ Thy tender mercy blessed,
When there’s love at home.

Bedtime for Mina and Bear

Time for bed... Goodnight from Mina and Bear! :)

A Lovely Day...

Today was a lovely day. Nothing exciting happened, but it was wonderful all the same. I am very grateful for a good day.

An Official Welcome to Bear and Mina :)

So it's time for an official introduction to the new – well, newer to me at any rate- cat siblings that I have adopted. I mentioned them in a previous post, but they are now settled in and even have names. As such, I am ready to give them a short and proper introduction.

It is certain that I didn't need any more cats at the time that they entered my life. I had Morianna- a good and deserving stray that spent most of her time hiding in my kitchen drawer. Bella the stray is thin, but pleasing and has a quite a personality. And I had also agreed to allow a few people and their cat to move in with me temporarily so I figured that was enough on top of everything else going on. But an outing with a friend and a few machinations... and I came home with two eight month old cats. Black and white and obviously devoted to each other, they can sit looking like the most serious bookends at each end of the couch... or they lay intertwined like the most exhausted and obsessed lovers caught in the wee hours of the dawn. When they first came in, both of them immediately investigated the other inhabitants of the house- Morianna was frankly a bit appalled- and then settled in. Unlike other cats that I have known, I found it challenging to come up with names for them. Their personalities are very different and didn't easily come out with a name. Also, still being quite kitteny- and I'm not really fond of kittens- I found getting close to them really challenging. It has taken a few months for all of us to really settle in.

So the male... older by a few minutes is named Bear. He is an exuberant soul and feels joy in almost everything! He is the first to reach the door when I come home at night and tends to be the first in everything; he is first to the food bowl, first to pat my face awake and first to be found stretched across my bed like a small happy pelt with a loud purr to match in the early afternoon hours. He is also the first to come and hop onto my lap... or sometimes even my homework. It has been a long time since I have any cats in my household that have had the exuberance and desire to stampede over the home and I will admit that I have missed it. A few times a week, I have taken the opportunity to sit and just watch as the whole household of cats run and leap and jump and dash through the house. Once I was accidentally hurt as Bear leaped down from the lamp onto the top of the bed and landed on my face with one paw landing directly on my left eye – it felt bruised for days. But I couldn't be angry for long, he was so happy and quickly exuberant again. Bear is very much Brock's favorite and they can be seen snuggling and tussling as often as they can. In fact, I have never seen a cat that 'needs' to be part of the action so much. I'm looking forward to more fun for many years.

His sister, a smaller and more delicately framed little one, is named Mina. I have no idea where the name came from... I just know that it popped out one day and it stuck. She answers to it and can quickly be seen running up or lounging around to watch the action. She is more reserved and her brother, but absolutely dotes on him and has also become Bella's shadow as well. I have caught Bella forcibly washing Mina as well if her 'toilette' doesn't meet with Bella's strict approval. She is also happy to curl up into my lap and then sit and stretch- purring and pliant while I read a book and I feel so full and peaceful in those moments. She reminds me of Miagray- a Miagray that I once knew except that she isn't so afraid to feel and show it. It's quite wonderful actually.

They still help me sleep and together they are quite a formidable and fun pair. With the addition of Finny- another story that I may tell one day- my household is full and complete. Even now as the night comes in, I sit surrounded by purring friends. I have a good book and a warm stove and everything may still be in slight disarray from moving but everything feels orderly and peaceful. So a hearty welcome to my new housemates and friends! :)