Today's Brain Gunk

It's funny how life drags you into the minutia of living and you can allow yourself to be distracted by it all. Classes, health and recent events have left me feeling strained and weak. I feel powerless to change the political direction that my country appears to be firmly headed toward- fascism is an horrific, ugly form of authoritarian nationalism and racial hatred that should appall each of us... yet for many, this form of government seems to be desired. Up here in New England where there is less diversity, there appears to be less conflict. Yet, I still see some of my neighbors who fly a Confederate flag and post images of the flag on their Facebook wall. In a discussion on how to celebrate Black history month next year with a few friends, the issue of possible conflict due to celebrating it was brought up and I am so sad about that. The reasons that I feel sorrow are two-fold. I can't believe I live in a world where celebrating Black history is controversial, but also that I found myself trying to find a way to celebrate such a wonderful part of our American cultural heritage without celebrating it so openly that someone might be offended. I sit here a bit ashamed of myself for my fear and lack of energy to advocate better for friends and people other than myself and my major desire when I pray these days is that I can find the strength to be a better advocate for others, but also to find a way to advocate that I can do over an extended period of time- rather than just a one time protest. I pray for the strength and will to participate in the long fight that is clearly before us.

Today I cleaned, completed homework, and did all sorts of necessary minutia and needful things while going out during the afternoon to try and see the eclipse. I am so far north and out of the path that I really didn't see anything. I could feel the temperature lower and the shadows during the day deepen, but the sun never seemed to change shape. The pictures that people are posting on social media sites are simply phenomenal though. I think there is another eclipse in 2024... maybe I will be better placed then.

The summer semester is drawing to a close and the fall semester is getting ready to commence. As I get ready to close on semester and embark on another, I have many thoughts. One of which is that I need to start writing again because I get so much enjoyment out of it. Currently, I feel like my life can be described in one word- exhaustion. I'd like to keep working to change that. So I think I need to add a little more fun time in my life. I have enjoyed reading, creating art, and other hobbies in the past and I have let most of that fall aside with the daily demands of other priorities. I think its time to create more time to enjoy things within my daily 'to do' list. So watch out - I may start boring the world with more cat pictures. :)

How do you know that you are ready for marriage?

A few weeks ago my teacher asked this question:

"How do you know if you are ready for marriage? Discuss this issue, and formulate some guidelines to help people decide whether they are ready to marry. How do  "The roles of forgiveness and sacrifice play in the readiness for marriage"? Please include some of the material from Olson in your answer."

This question really made me think. The next four paragraphs are my crafted response:

I guess my first thoughts to this question is does anyone ever really know if they are ready for marriage? At least in my case, you can do everything you think you need to to be ready for marriage and then realize after-wards.... that you were totally not ready. It seems a lot easier to see things and problems in other people than in yourself and so deciding if you are mature enough for marriage is really easy for someone who is immature and doesn't really know that they are immature. To know whether you are ready or not, you first need to know what you need to be ready... which requires that you actually know what you need to know. I think that can be a hard topic. I did put the question out to a few friends and one friend had an awesome answer that I will post here:

"Egad. My first line of thoughts was about choosing a suitable partner, but that isn't what you're asking.  The first time I married, I was crazy in love.  I don't recall giving much thought to long-term ramifications, but I was a lot younger then, too.  We'd been living together for two years already, so the day-to-day stuff had already been resolved. We were married three weeks after he proposed.

When I agreed to marry my current cohabitation partner, I thought it over a lot more.  In fact, he had to wait almost two years from when he first broached the subject to when I agreed.  This time, I gave a lot of thought to what partnership with him would be like, and what I would need to compromise, and whether I was capable of those compromises.  I think I'm a lot more realistic this time around.  I also go into it knowing that, if the marriage fails, I'll be able to take care of myself emotionally.  I think it's important to not get married because you want somebody to take care of you for the rest of your life, in any aspect.  It's nice if they do, but if that's why you're getting married, you're setting yourself up for disappointment.  Nobody is responsible for me but me.  So I guess I feel more ready this time, if also more cynical."

I think that forgiveness is such an important thing to do and be able to do. If you hold a 'tally' of the person's wrongs up all the time (even if it is only in your own mind), it will eventually overload your marriage- my thoughts here. It's hard to stay in love with someone if you are always focused on the negative aspects of your partner and his/her potential 'mistakes' and 'mistreatment'. Grudges also harm you internally- how can you love others if you have anger in your 'self' and how can you love yourself if you are crowding out that love with anger and frustration and even hatred. Also sacrifice is important because each of us will want others to sometimes let us have what we need. Sometimes to give us what we need, we are asking others to give up wants or even put off their own needs because we feel 'ours' need to take precedence. That can be walking a fine line... but sacrifice can help a couple to stay sturdy and show support for each other and their needs so that both individuals feel truly cared for and supported... not walked on.

After a few weeks, I still feel fairly strongly about my response. What has your experience been? If you had been asked the original question that I entered above, how would you answer it? Please share! :)

What would you do...? Thoughts on Tolerance and Sexuality

I wrote this post for my human sexuality class. I know that many people will have strong opinions about my thoughts. I am happy to have a honest and appropriate discussion with anyone who wishes- but please... keep it nice!

I have tried several times to think about how I would react if my child was a homosexual. I think that my reactions over time have changed a bit.  As I have grown older and seen more of the world (and been judged pretty poorly by some people for being who I am whether I am not following gender roles appropriately, etc...), I have tried to err more on the side of understanding and tolerance.  I have found too many times in my life that I have not understood or been intolerant in ways that have caused pain to others, pain and disappointment in myself, and really haven't found anything positive but maybe my own growth in knowledge and a determination to try and not make those mistakes again.  I am aware that my religion is not accepting of homosexuality and most of my extended family are not accepting as well. I am also aware that my religion is not only very intolerant about this issue, but has members that are extremely intolerant and hateful. Reminding myself that they are really confused and fearful individuals doesn't really help as I don't think any human being should have to deal with senseless hate.

What I do know is that I love my child and I cannot imagine anything he could do that would cause me to love him less. And so many of us as parents have read our young children the books about how much we love them and that can never change...no matter what they think or do. I think that some people can have conditional love for others that can actually be harmed by behavior... but I think that most people do not. I just can't imagine (at least for me) turning off my caring for my child because they are different. (In so many ways, aren't we all different?) So I like to think that I would be extremely tolerant and understanding and supportive. That said, it is really easy for me to say that in my position. My son is almost nine years old and developmentally delayed- the idea that I might need to actually practice what I am thinking is so far away... or at least it feels like it is. And I have been told that I am the most generous and tolerant person from some friends who have made it very clear that my behavior towards them is a rare gift for them... which doesn't make any sense to me as we are all people, right?

So, if my child did come up to me and told me that he was gay... I like to think that my first response would be to say 'that's wonderful'.  I don't think that it should really matter except how it matters to him.  I like to think that I could express my gratitude for the trust that my child was showing me and that I would be supportive and caring- just as supportive and caring as I have always been. I do think that maybe one thing that I need to think about... maybe instead of just making sure to keep highly hateful people away from my son, maybe I also need to make sure that he is able to see positive examples of homosexuals around him... so that no matter what sexuality he finds that he 'feels'... he will know that he is OK and cared for. I can't imagine loving him any less and I can't imagine not standing up for him and his choices in front of ignorant or hateful people. I also cannot imagine the sorrow that other parents feel when others hurt their children... or cause their children to harm themselves. I hope that my child feels that he can be who he is and that I can support him in that- no matter whether he is heterosexual or homosexual, whether he follows social gender roles or not, whether he is religious or not,... I hope that we all can.

I am not sure that any of us can know how we will react until we are faced with it.  But I think that thinking about how we would react is a great first step to understanding how we feel so we know how we are most likely to react and confront our confusion, fear, or ignorance head on... which I think would be great just to understand ourselves better... and being able to help our children and others is an added bonus!  :)

2010 Poetry Corner #1 - "Above All... Try"

I believe in God…so why do I fear?
I believe in love… so why do I hate?
I believe in facing problems… yet I run
Do I really believe?
Do I really feel…?

Or am I running because I do not want to see

My lack of faith.
My lack of endurance.
My lack of empathy.

Please Heavenly Father
When you look down on me
Remember above all
That I do love you
And I do try!