In winter, sometimes summer friends stay to feast...

I love having chicadees and nuthatches on my feeder all year. It's really just a beautiful thing to witness. It reminds me that I am not alone in my attempts to survive the winter and we will all do our best to get through it together. That's all we can do. <3

Some of these wee birds have become aclimated to me and will let me get a little closer than they probably should. I admit that I discourage it so that they will flee/fly away from my cats if they ever get out.

Soon Christmas will be here and possibly more snow, but I am lucky enough for clear weather often enough to feed the birds.

Be safe and warm if you can friends. Hopefully spring will soon be here. :)

The Day of the Bird... and the Cheating of Crows

Is it just me or am I suddenly running into all the hurt and still living creatures I can lately? Before anyone thinks that statement is a complaint, I want to stress that it's not... just an observation that disturbs me a little. Mostly because if one person is finding so many injured animals, how many are out there right now? It's like for a brief moment in time a window has opened up in my mind to a different way of seeing and like the boy Cole in “The Sixth Sense” who finds his vision and what he sees is different from the people around him... “I see hurt animals.”

So the first Sunday in July started out like a fairly normal fast Sunday. I had prepared and packed the car the day before for an easy morning. I gauged whether I could fast without throwing up or if I needed to eat to even make getting to church possible. I had even set out my clothing the night before. And so pretty early and quickly I was driving down the road towards the church listening to some inspirational music – well, inspirational to me anyway. ;) I had managed to almost get to church when I saw an obstacle in the road and as I slowed the car down I realized the obstacle in the road was a dog. Shoulders bowed and just sitting in the very middle of the road, he didn't even look up or flinch as I came to a stop. I pulled over for a good look, and the dog let me get pretty close. I gave it some of the dried shrimp in my car and called the police and I slowly doled out the food until a nice officer showed up and I completed my journey to church. I came with quite a few things to take into church and so I started unloading and making my several trips in and out of the building. It was during one of those trips to the car that I was distracted again.

I walked out of the building at one point and the noise from overhead was pretty loud. I could hear the distinct cawing of the crows- loud and raucous and the anxious twittering of a smaller bird. So my footsteps walked past my car to the side of the building and I found myself standing under the canopy of the trees watching the drama above. Three crows were actively irritating a pair of robins who were desperately trying to protect their nest and their young. I watched as one or two of the crows would lure both of the parents away from the nest and then the last crow would nip in and steal one of the robin fledglings and fly away as quickly as possible. The parents would return desperate and full of anxiety and then the crows would begin when another would show up. Slowly but surely, they were emptying the nest. I stood there, wishing I could change something and knowing that I could do nothing, when the last fledgling was captured and the crow turned in midair and flew in my direction. I must have been so quiet that the crow hadn't even noticed my presence because when it caught sight of me, the crow tried to change direction too abruptly and dropped its hard won package at my feet. I didn't even hesitate and leaned down, scooped it up in my hands and looking up at the crow, I quickly walked away. Back into the church with my hands carefully closed and cupped, my mind racing trying to determine a path forward. I remembered some boxes that were waiting to be thrown away in the library and headed there and within a few minutes the bird was sitting in a box in the dark, quiet nursery to calm down and rest.

I had hopes that I could return it to the nest but during the hour before Sacrament meeting started, I realized that was no longer an option. After several trips outside I realized the robins in their sorrow and loss had totally abandoned the nest, but two crows were waiting right next too it. For people who think birds have no brains, they are certainly at least incorrect when thinking of crows and ravens. They can plan and work together quite well (as can be seen by their brilliant and successful attack on the nest.) When I would walk over and look up into the trees, they simply watched me and waited. When Sacrament meeting started, it found the bird still resting quietly in the nursery and my bum settled into a pew. A quick glance outside during the meeting confirmed that the crows were planning on continuing to wait- whether they knew I wanted to return the bird or they just knew the fledgling was still around I do not know. It was clear however that I now had a bird. A very needy, hungry bird.

So nursery began and I introduced my youngsters to the bird and several times we carefully broke off tiny slivers of our grapes and dropped it into its open and begging mouth. The fledgling would cry and we would feed it. The kids were pleased, the fledgling didn't seem too worried and our lesson on appreciating God's creatures seemed to be more easily cemented into the young one's heads. And with the help of my helper, I made a quick call to Birds Acre and found an opening for the wee robin. This is the second time that I have used this resource over my life to help a bird and I am so grateful for its existence. After church, all the youth came and took a quick look and then my good friend Michael hopped into the car to lovingly cradle the box in his lap. We drove to Bird Acre and I was able to stand back while Michael talked with the volunteer and they both wandered towards a cage with some robins and fledglings. When they returned, Michael and the volunteer were all smiles and said that their disabled mother had happily started almost immediately to feed the little fledgling with the other foster birds. So with some handshakes and smiles, we departed and left the unintentional orphan to its new fate.

What an unusual day. I feel so much distress an anxiety over the hurt but I left feeling a bit of peace. I dd the best that I could do and I am aware that many people would have heard the loud caws and cries and not known what they meant- there was a blissful time in my life that I wouldn't have known either and would have just found the sounds annoying and would have moved in the opposite direction. As with the poem of the starfish, I couldn't help them all and at least four fledglings were taken and happily eaten by the crows... but my actions and my service mattered to this one... and that has made all the difference. I hope he makes it! :)

The Year of the Cat :)

To the reader: One picture is slightly adult and immodest in content. This is your warning. :)

Exactly one year ago, I received a phone call at 6:30 in the morning from a young women in Ellsworth named Jane. Her call was the culmination of six months of advice and was to change my life a little bit more than I expected... because she brought Morianna into my life.

When I lived in Vegas, I used to do a lot of volunteer work for a an animal shelter called the Ark. It was a pretty large shelter and dealt with the majority of strays that were caught in the city limits. I thoroughly enjoyed some of the new skills that I learns and I was soon one of the leaders in training stray cat to become 'smooshable' - a skill that is needed for many people to choose them for a pet. It was a fun place to volunteer, where I saw some awful and sad things, but I also gained great friends, some of the most wonderful companions that I was to know over the last decade or so, and some neat skills that I figured I wouldn't use again after moving to Maine. (I also gained some wonderful rabbits for my grandfather and a few fun hamsters as well.) A few years ago when I had some spare time and my life was beginning its horrible upheaval, the 'local' shelter in Maine started a thrift store in Blue Hill to raise money and I happily joined its volunteer staff. I tagged items, sold them, and tried to help move items quickly to get as much money as I could thinking of the animals that would benefit by my service since the shelter itself was so far away. At one point a woman waked in and told me about some stray cats that lived behind the Riverside cafe and expressed her concern about their future lives and what could be done. I gave her advice on how to catch them- the slow but almost always successful way- and agreed to pick them up and get them to the shelter after she had been successful.

Six months later, I received a call saying she would try the next day and success! She caught a very terrified gray Persian covered with mattes... and eyes the six of dinner plates (maybe about six months old). Twelve hours later, I picked up my trap full with two slightly younger cats of clear mixed heritage... the spitting image of each other in markings though not color. I happily called the local shelter (also called the Ark) and was very distressed to learn a few hard facts. One is that while the Ark in Cherryfield, Maine is a shelter, they are very selective in the animals that they select- only animals that are healthy and appear easily adoptable as accepted with a donation. As I looked through the resources that I had I found that there is no really good funded organization for strays in this state and so the cats only options became clear. I dealt with them or they would be put to sleep. So I realized that all the cats that so many of us as volunteers and as shoppers thought we were supporting were not the lonely hurt strays we imagined. I still love the idea of the Ark and while think it serves a very useful purpose, I think that my energy needs to be more towards the smaller, less known, and less funded organizations that actually help the most needy and vulnerable... the feral population.

That didn't change my current situation however. I now had three stray cats in various stages of ill health and not even a real roof over my head. I needed to deal with the difficulties of introducing Brock to them slowly and trying to find them homes. In the end, one year later I still have all three of them and they have been one of the biggest blessings that I have gotten in the last year. The first thing I did was set all three of them up in a large dog crate. Their great fear of me was very apparent and I started in on some of the small things that I used to do to gain trust or at least less fear. I waited for a breakthrough and the breakthroughs can be slow (and usually are.) Stray cats that are older than a few weeks have usually had a few really bad experiences, bad nutrition as well as difficulties in their gestation and early weeks. All of these difficulties can cause brain damage, birth defects, disease, etc...

One of the youngest cracked in two days. She is a beautiful black and white female and around 1am she began to wail. Her fear, sorrow and confusion were very evident and I jumped out of bed and fought past the other two cats to clutch her in my hand. With the recklessness of past experience and the joy of the blessing, I held her softly against my bare skin (yes, I don't wear much to sleep) and crooned a hymn with some clicking and slow notes. For an hour I prayed and held her singing and talking softly and soon I was able to hold her and get dressed without a

great deal of fear from her. By morning, I could sit against the wall, warm and well dressed with a still slightly scared animal, but one who was open to learning about me. She became Morianna, my great companion, who would jump onto the bed for a few pats and would happily act kitteny one minute and feral the next. Over the last year, I have discovered a few things. Her health, while sound has been severely affected. She will never be a full size cat and may always be trapped in a 'teenage' body... slightly small and thin. She is not the sharpest cookie that I have ever had and her enthusiasm for fun and adventure can cause her great trouble as she makes the same mistakes over and over again, not learning the lesson the first time.... or the tenth time. :) Her relationship with Maximilian Robespierre

(my gerbil) has grown over time as he has consistently lured her over to the cage and then bitten her. Over time, Robespierre has gotten tired of biting her (or maybe he feels sorry for her or understands her mental limitations) because he now longer bites her and so he will stand up on his hind feet and throw shavings at her or use his hind feet to kick them in her face. Over the year, she has finally learned to sit close... but not too close! Her fear is almost gone... not quite gone, but has disappeared for the most part. But a few days ago, I walked into the kitchen and she did something that no cat that have ever been feral has done to me before....

Just awesome! She is not the smoochiest cat I have ever had, but the blessings she has given me have become more obvious over time. Caring for her and her 'siblings' has allowed me to use my underused skills and has given me some feelings of success in the rest of the failure in my life. When things have become too much, knowing that these guys depended on me for their very lives would push and motivate me to continue forward. When I get off of work, I am excited to come home and say hello to every one. Her brothers are moving forward much more slowly. The gray Persian I have named Smoke for his ability to appear to dissolve into thin air. He has a few problems. Smoke is also trapped in a stunned body and will probably always look like a teenager. He is thin but with his thick hair, he hides it well... He has problems with digestion, but boy, his reflexes are awesome. Give him a few empty studs with no walls and he can get up, jump, and climb up them in 3 seconds tops.

Egg (or Enigma) is blessed with the perfect kitty size. He is the right adult size now and holds his weight well. The only obvious problem that he has is his eyesight. It is poor and his eyes are a bit infected.... not much I can do about it as I can't hold him down three times a day to put ointment in them. All three look forward to my return every day and have even started to play with my hands or feet when I am supine and haven't moved for a while. I am hopeful in the next few years I will have three great companions. They are truly the blessing I didn't expect at the time. :)

What blessings have you gotten in the form of trouble or difficulty? Anything as 'purry' as mine...? :D

The Reforms and Legacy of Peter the Great

Peter Alekseevich Romanov was born in June 1672 and died at the age of 53 in his beloved town of St Petersburg. Though his life was relatively short, the works of his mind, ambition and will have affected the country of Russia to its present course. Peter the Great pushed his constituents through new laws, reforms and his attempts to bring modernity to his country. This paper will discuss the reforms that were enacted during the rule of this tzar and their lasting legacies.

One of the major reforms that Peter I started with was the military. Before his time, Russia may have depended on its waterways for trade, travel and other pursuits, but the protection of those waterways could depend on a haphazard set of circumstances. In good times, these waterways and the lands of Russia itself were mostly protected by the local towns and villages themselves- the groups could have little to no knowledge of military techniques or leadership. The 'official' armies of Russia- the Streltsy or the Cossacks as examples - could be seen as professional units, but even these units were run at times by foreigners and not by native Russians. The Russian country had nothing that could be described as a navy in actual terms before Peter I. One of the major changes during this time was the creation and development of a navy. He borrowed ideas and training from other countries and created a strong Russian Navy that was officially founded on September 12, 1698. During his youth, Peter the Great had learned a lot about building ships - he had even built a few of his own- and he used this knowledge to increase security around Russian waterways, but to also conquer and claim new waterways as well. The Russian navy became a force that other monarchs would have to reckon with.

The military itself was also modernized and streamlined. The tzar recognized that he could not keep his country safe-nor conquer more lands- without a reliable and well disciplined army. One change he made was to open military academies for the teaching and training of military skills to a larger group of people. The military also became a permanent institution in the sense that it was no longer haphazard or ill-equipped. The military became a standing presence with some constituents required to serve for twenty-five years and quotas for conscripts... as well as lifelong draftees. After this was accomplished, the Czar did away or eliminated the Streltsy -with some difficulty but it was done. One change which Peter I made was to stress that the military's purpose and interests should be the interests of the state- not their own desire or even the desires of the Tsar himself. He made sure that the military was better equipped and trained in some of the styles of western military/armies and ready to face the challenges of empire building that he (Peter I) wanted. Out of all of his goals for modernizing Russia, it is thought that this one was the most important to the tsar.

The Orthodox religion didn't escape the notice of the Tsar and it underwent many changes during his reign. Previously, the Russian rulers had exerted some influence on the church but had left it mostly free of interference in its day to day operations and organization. The church was reorganized so that the powers of church leadership fell into the hands of the Czar... and not church leaders. One way this was accomplished was the creation of the Holy Synod in 1721 which replaced the power of the Patriarch of Moscow with a group of individuals mostly loyal to the tzar and not to the church. The creation of the 'Chief Procurator', a secular representative of the government who works within the church, also put the church leaders under the close supervision of the government. His government also passed a decree in 1722 that required priests of the church to disregard confidentiality in the confessional for certain matters or concerns that were governmental in nature. Tsar Peter was generally considered a 'secular' tsar and he was also known for his religious tolerance, passing laws allowing for inter-religious marriage, etc... The tsar also attempted to modernize the clergy which would result in the reduction of monks and nuns in great numbers as well as the reduction of church owned/ controlled land. Lastly, Peter issued the Spiritual Regulations that served as the bylaws for all religious activities in Russia.

There were also a few ways that Peter I attempted (and succeeded) in reforming the government. The Tsar abandoned the practice of gathering the zemsky sobor to discuss matters of special importance and he also moved the Russian 'capital' to his new city of St. Petersburg. He eliminated the Duma and replaced it with a group of individuals that acted more like a Western Senate than the former institution. And after signing a treaty in 1721 with Sweden, the Tsar was offered the title of Emperor and Russia was then known as an empire. Some reforms that were performed improved the management of government finances and control of public money. The tsar's love of education goes hand in hand with his governmental reforms as he attempted to create a meritocracy (and not an aristocracy) and to push western education onto the nobles and other constituents by importing books as well as starting institutions of learning. Tsar Peter's attempt to change the class structure by given regards for merit and service and not just for birthright did make it possible for a slight blending of some of the classes. His reforms also helped local governments to more efficiently keep order and collect taxes. Other reforms included cultural reforms that were brought about as the Czar attempted to push his people into adopting more western modes or dress, no beards (or you paid a tax), and more emphasis on conformity and obedience to the ruling power. He changed the calender in Russian to the Julian calendar in doing so changed the way most of Russia kept track of their days and holidays.

My inclination is to see Tsar Peter as a great reformer. He certainly made many large and lasting changes to many aspects to the lives of the Russian people. His changes in the military certainly made the country safer from potential foreign invaders. Collecting and developing new taxes gave the czar the money to enact not only other reforms, but to build the city of St Petersburg as well. Having any ability to blur the lines of class certainly takes work in my opinion, and making Russia into the vast and strong empire it became and survived as for so long also took quite a bit of energy, focus, ambition and endurance. However, it seems like many things didn't change all that much as there was still one man firmly in control of the country- a man who spend a great deal of time putting even more of the country and people under his control that any other ruler before him. Because he didn't share the power and in fact consolidated it even more, that must have created inefficiency, creative inhibition and problems with even making sure that the tsar's orders were being carried out correctly. I imagine that many individuals were not likely to offer suggestions or their own ideas and were likely to maybe even avoid tasks at all for their own protection... so I am quite torn by this man. I see him as doing many great and wonderful things, but I also see the side of him whose ambition and need for control caused a great deal of hardship, fear and death for many of the people he felt he was fighting so hard to elevate and improve life for. While I still see him as a great leader and I still feel that the name 'Peter the Great' can still be considered appropriate, I can also see him and his actions through the lens of knowledge that will show not only his successes, but his quirks, his difficulties and his failures. However, as this tsar was unwilling to be bogged down and focused on his failures during his lifetime, maybe we too should see and remember them, but not focus too heavily on them. His legacy was a strong country, a larger country and empire than when he was first given the crown and a country that was trading and successfully participating in European affairs and concerns. He transformed commerce and industry, the church and its activities and quite simply, changed the way that most Russians lived and how the country was viewed by the outside world. His legacy can be seen today in the culture of Russia, the buildings of his beloved St Petersburg and in almost any corner of government and culture in Russia. Whether you appreciate his reforms or not, no one can dispute that his changes and attempts to modify and modernize Russia on such a grand scale can still be felt today.... in the simple act of looking at a calendar... in worship... in the splendor of the great city that bears his name.

There is Special Providence in the Fall of a Squirrel...

Today, I caused death. Not intentionally and I certainly am not bragging... but unintentional or not, I killed a squirrel. I did the usual try and slow down...swerve a little... all the things that you do while driving at 25 miles an hour and panicking as you see the squirrel leap lightly into the road in front of you and start to run. But, unfortunately for the squirrel and myself, everything I did was not enough and I hit him. And, while I was going fairly slowly, it appeared to be a quick death.

I feel so uncomfortable with the idea that my actions, unintentional or not can cause hurt, pain, or in this case death. I pulled over to the side of the road and my first thought was “Father, please change this.” My next was “why did I leave the house so early? If I had been a few seconds later.....” That kind of thinking is foolhardy and certainly didn't change the situation at all. I recognize that I may do this to people (hurt, not death) on a fairly frequent basis and that thought is overwhelming and uncomfortably sad. And, as I sat by the side of the road, I think the grief that I have been feeling for weeks just flooded into me and I couldn’t do anything, but climb out of my car and carefully cradle the squirrel in my hands and just sit by the side of the road and cry. I cried for the loss of the squirrel but also my losses and my fears and I just cried. I must have looked a wreck and half crazy... just kneeling by the side of the road, crying and praying and holding this poor dead animal. I eventually wrapped the squirrel in a holey t-shirt and buried it under the snow underneath a beautiful tree and headed off to town to 'fulfill' my responsibilities and commitments.... but throughout the day I could feel the grief sitting so close to the surface of my heart and the tears barely behind my eyelids.

I have to find a way through this grief. I am so far behind in school it isn't funny and I just feel like -nothing-. Just nothing. I do not feel like doing anything and I am just going through some of the motions and pasting a smile on my face and trying not to be angry because that won't help. I frankly do not feel like continuing to endure. I know this sounds funny, but in a way I am so glad that I hit the squirrel because I think I was forced to not only grieve but think about my choices and what I want right now. But I do wish that I could have learned the lesson some other way.

Some Blessings for Today- 2/13/11

Today is a day of mixed feelings.  I found myself looking forward to this day... and truly dreading its arrival.  Last night I lay awake, tossing and turning, thinking and wondering... just trying to figure out what choices I need to make in my life.  What choices I really have... and how the choices that I could make affect those that I love, those that I no longer call 'friend', and those that wander in the communities that I inhabit.  Today, I go and sit with a few of the most amazing priesthood leaders that I have ever met and discuss my thoughts and my choices. That day is here.

I recognize that I am not the only person who struggles.  I recognize that I am not the only one who struggles with this particular trial... nor have I shed the last of my tears for it.  However, I would be ungrateful if I did not also recognize the fact that I am truly blessed and that I know that I am loved and cared for by many including my Heavenly Father.  And so today, I thought I would take the time to not just say a quick thank you for some things to my Father today.  I thought instead I would articulate why I am so grateful for them and what they mean to me.  I will not articulate all the blessings I think of today- just those that today I truly feel deep gratitude for right now and this moment in time.

1.  I am so grateful for my husband.  He is the most important person in my life.  He taught me what love really is and what loyalty and joy can be.  He has shown me patience and the quiet strength of a friend and partner. I love him and appreciate him for so much, but I especially grateful that I had the courage and the faith to share some personal things with him today... And that he will listen and doesn't seem to judge me harshly.  I am so blessed to be yoked to such a wonderful person!  I hope to remain so.

2.  I wore a skirt to church today.  First, having a good reason to go to church so that I was forced to go was great... Otherwise, I probably wouldn't have.  But I haven't had a dress.  Yes, I have had church clothing in the past, but every dress I have but one now feels tainted and I got rid of them when my son got so upset at my putting on a dress on Sunday- dresses are clearly loaded now.  ; )  An acquaintance of mine was chatting with me a few months ago when I was looking at dresses at the local thrift store and knowing my situation, she wouldn't allow me to buy a dress that day.  She said "wait until you find a dress or a skirt that you look at and like and then buy it- do not make yourself another burden in the shape of your clothing."  I took that advice and I found a skirt a few weeks  later and a few days later a vest that I liked looking at... and actually felt a brief thrill about the idea of wearing them.  So today, I go to church in a skirt.  I look ridiculous- especially with my uncombed hair, my silly toe socks and my 'bitey' rooster... but I am grateful to be at church and in a dress- no matter how ridiculous I look.

3. I was able to put the October conference onto my Blackberry so I was able to spend my 1 1/2 hour drive listening to the first few conference talks and hymns.  I think that they were just what I needed today- especially the talk from Elder Holland.  It is such a blessing to have the technology to listen to conference on a different day and time than when it originally comes out... which is pretty hard for me to see due to my lack of technology- ironic that!  :) I think that my brain was ready for church when I got there and I felt less trepidation and more anticipation for the wonder ahead of me.

4. When I was growing up, I was surrounded by some pretty bad examples of the priesthood and what the word 'priesthood' actually meant and entailed.  It can truly color a girls outlook on the priesthood to see guys who are out having sex serving the sacrament the next day... and having your mother tell you how much better than you they are. When I moved to the 4th ward out west, I got a better idea.  But then I moved to Maine and the idea became very confused and muddled again. Some men used the priesthood authority to try and bend people to their will. A family who had been unemployed for eighteen months was able to finally get a job- which he held for two months until he was given a choice of the job or the temple recommend (and no the job was not inappropriate). I watched people being treated badly- including myself- due to false doctrine, prejudice and fear. I watched women use priesthood holders to accomplish things they couldn't do alone... and so when I stopped attending church in late 2009, my thoughts on the priesthood were confusing to be sure.

And then my stake presidency stepped in. I think that I have finally seen what the priesthood should be and what priesthood power really is... and I am so grateful for the love and caring that I have in the priesthood- I am not sure that I have ever felt it before so strong and in such a positive way before. I should thank Heavenly Father every day for the men in my stake presidency, but I do not. I want to truly express how grateful I am for them right now. I think that my head and my life would be in a much less positive place without them.

5. I came home tired and exhausted and I managed to get a nap which I have needed for days. The idea that I could take a nap- I could just decide that I could and do it is a new one for me.... and I am very grateful that my life has a little bit of flexibility that I can do a few small things for me now. It is really nice and I will never take some things for granted again- or at least not for several years from now! :)

6. I am so grateful for my close friends who are really supporting me in so many ways right now. I think in some ways, a few of them have saved my life. :) And my son is always in my thoughts and keeps me motivated to keep trying. My life is better because I know them... and what else can a person truly want in life?

I hope that all of you have had a blessed day and are ready for the week ahead. Do you have some blessings that you would like to share?

Happy One Year Anniversary- to my Blog :)

Well, it has been one year since I started my blog- an anniversary that I think is worth noting to myself.  I started this blog for a few reasons- family and friends gently suggesting, the immediate trauma of last January forcing me to try and find a way to communicate and articulate some of my thoughts and feelings, and last... I really wanted to use my blog to help motivate me into not only studying subjects that interested me, but being able to share those ideas them with others and discuss them and maybe eventually really have a small group of diverse people that could truly get together and chat about the wide variety of topics.  The idea of being able to really have a discussion with people who may or may not disagree and work towards understanding and consensus sounded wonderful!  Still does, come to think of it.  :)

So when I started my blog I wanted to focus on a few specific topics.  I wanted to focus on Mormonism, disability, simple living and feminism.  Those topics have many, many different nuances and perspectives to think about and understand.  I also wanted to focus on these topics because these four subjects seem to embody much of my life.  I am a Mormon -by culture as well as by faith.  On July 9, 2009 I stopped attending church due to a major difficulty and I have so much needed to talk about it... to really understand it and to move past it and find peace.  The situation at church is changing and morphing for the better, but like all major change, it is slow and sometimes feels like I am watching paint dry. However, I stare and work and then I blink and I realize that some of the paint is dry. It is coming! :)

My ideas on simple living have changed a bit since I have started to try that as well. Just the words 'simple living' have so many nuances and you can tell just by looking at the magazines trying to catch the 'market' in the racks at the supermarket. Some things I could live without- I know I could... but I do not feel like they make my life simpler- I almost feel like life is harder without them. There are some things that I don't need and I get rid of and never miss. Certainly over the last few years I have found that what affects the quality of my life the most is people- and not things I own... or need... or want.

And I have found that I haven't focused on feminism or disability as much as meant to... and as some changes in my personal life have become more of a focus and the gist of my pain... and the taker of my time, I have put so little that is truly personal on this blog. My personal blog feels too 'open' to be terribly honest about my life on... a interesting commentary I think. Maybe if my life was simpler... I could feel comfortable, but in some ways I feel like my life is dragging me along in the choices of others and I am just trying to find the ground under my feet... and I hope it is solid. I really never imagined that I would have to deal with some of the trials that I am facing and struggling with. That said, I have enjoyed this blog very much and I am so glad that I was talked into it. I know that I am not a 'popular' read and that very few people even know that I exist, but I do feel that I am putting out some information that can be useful to other people. I have also found that I feel more confident in my writing and myself- that I can articulate some of my needs or thoughts even if I do not have a human being that I am sure I want to share all of them with.

So, I am not sure which direction I should head in with my blog this year. The topics that I wanted to write about in the beginning are still near and dear to my heart, but life feels more complicated that it did then... which I never imagined was possible at that time. I think that I will head forward continuing to share my thoughts on education, history, and my life. I will try to be a little more open about my confusion and concerns about my life as well as my family... And I will try to move forward on some of the topics that I really wanted to talk about- especially about disability and its effect on individuals families, and communities. However, I am aware that there are other directions that I can move in... and need to think about it. I am also hopeful that as the year goes on, I can find not only more topics that interest me, but more topics that can be discussed! I really like the discussions that I have been able to have that are started on this blog... and I would like to continue it! So, welcome to the second year of my blog. I am happy to continue... and hope you will join me! :)

The Earliest Beginnings of a Modern Russia

In modern times, Russia is the largest country in the world with over six million square miles of land. It is the ninth most populous nation in the world today with 142 million people, shares borders with more countries than any other existing in the world and has the world's largest reserves of mineral/energy and forest resources. Over its centuries of history, the boundaries of land and the people that we call Russian today have changed a great deal. This paper will discuss who the earliest known inhabitants were of this land was well as migration and the areas they settled in which include the modern cities of Novgorod and Kiev.

The focal point of the earliest Russian culture was centered around Slavic tribal kingdoms that populated several areas (along with a few other groups of people that were assimilated into the Slavic tribes) in and around the areas of Novgorod and Kiev. One source describes how goods would be brought by boat west towards Russia through the Caspian Sea and up the Volga river to the place where Novgorod was built and stands today. These lands were populated by the formerly discussed groups whose earliest members formed tribes and then cities- joining together into a unique state which is known as Kievan Rus... and is the starting point for three current Slavic nations- Russia, Ukraine and Belarus In the state of Kievan Rus, many individuals settled in the areas they called Novgorod and Kiev and then continued to spread out to other surrounding areas. (These two cities retain these names today) Both cities existed before the formation of the state Kievan Rus was officially formed in 880 by Prince Oleg who chose the city of Kiev as his capital city. In fact the city of Kiev 'celebrated' its 1500th anniversary in 1982- that must be a pretty interesting place to see the many layers of history in its many streets and buildings.

One attraction to the city of Kiev is its location. The many nearby rivers and waterways made Kiev an excellent place for travel and trade and this town was able to become the center of a trade route between Constantinople and Scandinavia. The Dnieper River runs right through the town and within the modern limits of the city of Kiev, there are over 400 bodies of open water including rivers, tributaries, lakes, etc... Novgorod also had excellent access to the Oka and Volga rivers. Once described as the bridge between the European lands and the Asian lands which probably also helped it prosper as a trading partner or trade route. Novgorod also has the distinction of being able to reach several large bodies of water such as seas for trading with other nations- these are the Baltic, Black, Caspian and White Sea as well as the Sea of Azov. Both places have a short window/climate for growing crops and other forms of agriculture... and both places had large resources of forests for wood which would have helped with boat building, buildings and even material for trade... such as for food! It certainly is a testament to the longevity and the resources surrounding these cities that they are still there and are habitable (still growing today!)- even when they were destroyed in time of war they were rebuilt right over the destroyed city.

There were many excellent reasons for migration early in Russia's history. The land itself is located in the northern most reaches of the globe and reaches across several time zones. Winters are generally longer than in other countries with a more southern base and summers are equally short. The land or geography of Russia is generally flat with few mountains so expansion was easy... add the waterways and travel/migration was even easier. Both the cities of Kiev and Novgorod were probably built by their first inhabitants because they did have more options for trade, living, travel, etc... than some of the surrounding areas. These areas, because of the great capacity for moving people and goods quickly, would have been very powerful cities- commercially strong and politically sensitive and valuable. Having control of the land around these rivers as well as the waterway itself would shape much of Russia's history over the last several centuries. These areas also had large resources of building materials with the huge forests which could also have been used to build tools, boats or ships, houses or even heat. Other resources that were available were plenty of 'fur' animals, and access to warm water ports (a few mentioned above). I suspect, and admit that this is a guess from the different readings, but the climate in these two cities would have been moderated by the lowlands and the large amounts of water... whereas other areas in Russia may not have had or do have such a 'nice' climate.

Before this class, I have known only a few tiny tidbits about Russia and most of them are 'famous' tidbits. I had heard of Lenin and Stalin and not much very flattering about either of them. I had also heard of Gorbachev and and the 'collapse' and of Putin and his successor- I have become a current news reader over the last decade. I will admit that I do not have much of an opinion either way of Putin or Mendeleev mainly because I do not trust our newspapers to tell me an unbiased account. The only other tidbit that I have a bit of knowledge on is the most obvious- Nicolas I and Alexandra and their children... and can't forget Rasputin! I signed up for a class on Russian history for a few reasons. One is that I doubt that Russia is nearly as romantic as it seems in my mind... or as foreign. I also am not impressed with the idea that I have been studying history for years and feel as if I was weaned on it, but know almost nothing about Russia or China. And I think I would like to become more well rounded in that regard. Thank you for the opportunity!

Going Home...

Well, my 'vacation' is almost over.  I feel so many emotions about going home- both positive and negative.

I have made sure that I have had a great time.  Allowing myself to mope and moan endlessly seemed foolish and wasteful of an opportunity that could be looked at as an opportunity... and not just as an unwelcome interruption. So I have thrown myself into many activities as well as trying to focus on the positive. I have found that a combination of distraction, work, and a slight unburdening of my soul have really helped.  While I still feel that my burden is unfair, awkward, and fairly heavy... not to mention the pain,  I feel like I am stronger.  I feel like I can stand taller and I do not feel as alone.  I know that a relationship with Heavenly Father should be enough- and in many ways it is- but I really seem to need to be close to people.  The more isolated from people I feel, the more weighed down and negative I seem to feel.  And while I still am finding it difficult some days to stay positive, I have found a peaceful feeling that comes to stay a little longer each time. This trip has had so many highlights...  where to begin?

I will start with family. I was lucky to see so many people on this trip including two people who have been like family to me for decades... but more about them in a moment.  :) I was lucky enough to hang out with my favorite Grandpa in Heber and almost all of my uncle's and aunts. (I didn't make it to Provo to see my aunt there, which is one of my disappointments on this trip- I hope she knows I love her!) I have spent very little time with some of my cousins in my lifetime- one I hadn't seen since I was ten years old.  And I was blessed to spend some good quality time with them, was able to spend time meeting and learning about their spouses and children... and I feel like they are more than names and pictures to me now. I was also blessed to see other family out of state and I left each family member genuinely sorry and torn to go.  I truly made some great memories this trip and felt like I truly have some extended family that love me and support me- no matter how crazy I act or how many strange twists my life takes as I forge ahead. I haven't always felt that and I am so grateful... grateful for caring and supportive people and just grateful for supportive family.

I was also able to see two great friends on this trip... and a few awesome new friends who are supportive and fun to be with.  I haven't seen my friend Tru in years.  We have shared so many things together like theater and friendships and over time, he has become as close as a brother.  If we are unable to talk for years, five minutes or less are all that is needed.  I was so lucky through a few twists of life to be able to see Tru and his new wife Sarah on this trip as well as his daughter- both of whom are so beautiful and kind.  They took me out for a night on the town and then several hours of conversation- I didn't go to sleep until 5:30 in the morning.  It was definitely memorable.  They even introduced this 'ludite' to Wii - by the way, I stink at it.  Still clumsy after all these years...  :D

And I have been able to spend lots of time in Washington with my best friend.  Another name I call her is 'sister'.  She may not share my blood, but she has all the other attributes of a person whom Heavenly Father has attached to me.  She is caring, kind, honest, loyal... so many things.  When I am broken, she helps me stand, listens even when I am sure she must be tired of hearing some of the same things over and over and over again.  I have gained almost ten needed pounds on this trip and my head feels 'steadier'.  I think it is easier for me to really make decisions and I have found it so much easier to pray and really feel like my brain is clear enough to possibly hear answers.

I have been able to do lots of shopping as well.  Christmas presents and church textbooks and discs with talks are tucked into my bag for the flight home.  Some packages are winging themselves to Maine as I write this.  I was able to buy the materials for a quilt- and make it as well... plus learned how to play two new games (I think I liked Ascension best) and just had a blast.  Even had my first trip to a mall in eight years- I don't think I was missing much though :)

So I have managed to have a lot of positive things and interactions happen on this trip.  But I am aware that the situation that compelled me to take this trip has not changed and in some ways is worse.  I have some fear of returning home and I know that I have my work cut out for me... as well as patience and loyalty.  I am not always sure that I am up to the task, but I do need to try.  I can already feel some of the stress and fear and hurt creeping under my skin... and except for prayer and patience, I do not think that there is anything I can do to change it that I am not already doing. Change is hard, but inevitable.

Wish me luck- I'm going home!  :)

Pioneer Day - July 24

On July 24th, Mormons celebrate Pioneer Day. It is an important holiday for my church as well celebrate and remember the sacrifices of the people who came before us. Those thousands of individuals and families who left their homes- whether from persecution in Missouri, Illinois, or their homes in other countries to join the saints in Salt Lake- with a dream and a purpose: to live and worship freely and without fear. (sounds a little like the beginning of the history of the United States, doesn't it?)

I was born into a Mormon family, grew up as a Mormon and pretty much always able to be surrounded by Mormons until I got married and moved to the East Coast. On the West Coast, Mormons celebrate by wearing lots of clothing and parading around in the heat and when the children complain, they are told that the pioneers suffered for days on end the same way and it isn't meant to be 'fun'- we are meant to remember. But what we are meant to remember seems to be foolish in some regards as I grow up. Suffering for a few hours like our ancestors seems to me to not teach us the lesson that is most appropriate. Yes, we learned that they suffered and times were tough. We learned that they were persecuted and treated poorly for what they believed and how they lived.

But these lessons will fade because they are not the most important lesson we should be teaching to ourselves and the next generation. Yes, we will still revere and respect our ancestors and enjoy the stories of them... but life as we age/grow will teach us suffering. We will learn that times now are tough- even if the some of the challenges we face are different. Some of us will learn that our ancestors were not perfect and some even persecuted other innocent people. Some will learn that we still do it in some places where more qualified non-members are not given jobs because they are given to less qualified 'faithful'. (If anyone wonders why there are very few people in Utah that have a neutral opinion of the Mormon church that one example might cue you in.) While the lessons that we should learn and teach our children are the lessons of strength and bravery in the face of the unknown.... the faith to follow your convictions and your heart no matter where it leads you... the confidence in each individuals great worth and the courage to fight and continue in the face of great doubt or even when you realize that you have no choice... but to continue in happiness and faith. That is the lesson that we should be teaching and we need to know for ourselves. It is not an easy or superficial lesson- but it is the most important lesson that we can learn in this life.... and as a Mormon I am grateful to have the ancestry to look back on to remember and ponder these lessons. As a historian and a human, I have thousands of years of collective history to look over and learn from... and almost all roads lead back to these basic lessons.

So many Mormons these days celebrate their pioneer heritage with a few hours of suffering or playacting and the rest of the year with conformity and silence. They do not voice their doubts, fears or concerns about the church or church culture for fear of dishonoring their family and their ancestors (and in turn, their sacrifice.) In my opinion, our ancestor's sacrifice is dishonored by ignoring their example. The lessons that they have given us- sealed by their sweat, toil, tears, songs, and their entire lives and how they lived them... we waste and disregard them by not living up to them. So this special day, this pioneer's day, take a moment to remember the real reason we should celebrate and feel grateful for our heritage. Not that they suffered and died... but that they gave us lessons, examples, and their dreams and hopes to live on in us. Please let us not fail them! Be a modern day pioneer. Do not meekly submit to authority- even to the authority of the church when our ancestors took over a year in travel and struggle and tears to follow their dream and their beliefs and to try and make the world a better place by defying authority. Before you accept doctrines and belief, pray and fast and get revelation that it is right to do so. For I believe, that is what your ancestors would have you do.

PS: I am aware that these thoughts will be offensive to some, but our ancestors defied authority so that they could also practice a form of marriage that is considered unacceptable to many today (including Mormons). Before you decide that you are sure that Heavenly Father hates homosexuals, their families, and their children and they should not have rights because the church tells use that homosexuality is wrong, please pray and do not take that answer solely for granted simply because the church says so. People around the world are dying because they feel unaccepted and Mormons are too. Equal rights is something our ancestors wanted -to be able to live by their beliefs. Joseph Smith said that we respect others beliefs. Please.... this is a matter of life and death. Please think on it... Please.

The 'Worst Shark Attack Ever' - An Example of Human Failure and an Easy Scapegoat

"I thought that I had done everything I could, but maybe I could have done more" - from an interview with a survivor of the U.S.S. Indianapolis

The most famous of all shark attacks occurred in July of 1945. I must start by saying that as much as I love sharks.... as much as I am fascinated by them... as much as I would dearly love the opportunity one day to face one and watch one swim in its habitat.... this story brings tears and horror to my heart. I can not even attempt to imagine the fear, the waiting, and everything that the survivors faced. In many ways, those that died were so lucky in that it ended. I cannot imagine endless hours of heat and water and sun and then hours of cold and water and dark interspersed with no food and no water and no way to calm the thoughts in your head. I am not good at that anyway - despair has become so easy over the years of trial and turmoil. And in many ways, those that died took the easy way out for those that survived have so much to teach us. And we have so much to learn. And so little of what we have to learn was about sharks. This may be known as the most famous shark attack in history, but so little of its lessons are truly about sharks. They are more about us and the frailty and courage of the human spirit. They are about how humans think and how we react to adversity.

The U.S.S. Indianapolis delivered an atomic bomb and while on its way to meet up with some other ships, it was hit by two Japanese torpedoes around midnight. The ship sunk within 12 minutes with only 900 of the men aboard able to get off out of 1196 total. By dawn of the next day, sharks had begun to appear. There were very few rafts so most survivors were in life jackets that were designed for about 72 hours worth of use. The survivors were in the water in groups (slowly drifting) for four days and five nights before rescuers came. Some groups did have shark attacks- others never saw a shark attack a living human at all. All thse survivors had to deal with the extreme heat during the day, cold during the night, and the constant exposure of both with little food or water if any. By the time that the rescuers showed up only 317 men were still alive.

The first two hundred deaths are believed to be from injuries caused from escaping the sinking ship. Donald McCall, one of the survivors, when interviewed discussed the pain of jumping from the boat to the water... 60-70 feet below him. He felt that 'his body was being torn in half'. With that many dead people around as well as the living, it is not surprising that sharks did come to investigate. And with only a few exceptions, the sharks were content to eat the dead. After a day or two the sharks were less shy and were willing to try and pick off people on the extremities of the groups. However, it is believed that only about two dozens deaths could be attributed to shark attack (out of almost 900). After the first deaths from injuries sustained from evacuating the ship, the men died from numerous complications. Some died from giving up and drinking the sea water- they would usually die within about five hours sometimes with an hour or two of delirium and hallucinations. Some men got hallucinations and delusions from the extreme exposure, stress and fear. Some crew members died from being attacked by their own groups as members would have hallucinations and fight the people around them or sometimes fights would break out as people attempted to stop other men from drinking the sea water. Disillusionment would also cause fights and contributed to a high level of injury or even death. While some groups did have problems with sharks, others such as the group that was held together by Dr. Hanes lost 300 men to death, but none of the deaths was due to shark attack. George Burgess, a shark expert and the director of the Florida Program for Shark Research from the University of Florida, studied and interviewed as many of the survivors as he could. His estimate is about 12 dozen deaths from shark attack, 500+ from exposure, drowning, salt poisoning, etc..., about 200 from initial evacuation injuries and the remainder of death are attributed to the men who were unable to get off the ship. So while this naval disaster – the worst naval disaster ever in U.S. History- did have problems with sharks, the tales of 'mass shark feeding frenzies' are truly over exaggerated. George Burgess states that in doing this research, he discovered that the 'sharks behaved the way sharks are supposed to behave in their natural environment'.

Unfortunately, the rescue of these men doesn't end the sad and horrifying tale. Later it was discovered that the Navy command knew that this ship was missing and did nothing. They received the distress signal and did... nothing. The survivors were spotted four days later on accident by a passing plane. The public announcement of the disaster was made two weeks later- politically timed to be overshadowed by the announcement of the Japanese surrender. The Captain of the ship, Captain McVay, was then blamed for the accident and court martialed. Later evidence was released that showed he was a scapegoat and that others sent his ship out knowing that the area was not safe, refused his requests for a safety escort, and later ignored evidence in his favor to allow for his successful prosecution. (In 2000, the Japanese commander of the submarine that sunk the U.S.S. Indianapolis and who was a witness as McVay's trial said of the trial - "I had a feeling it was contrived from the beginning." This trial effectively ended his career, but did not end the hate mail and painful phone calls dealing with this event. In 1968, Captain McVay committed suicide with his Navy-issued revolver. Not until several years later, did declassified documents show not only his innocence, but the true and horrifying failures by the Navy mentioned above. In October 2000, President Clinton signed a resolution passed by Congress that ...Captain McVay's record should state that "he is exonerated for the loss of Indianapolis."

The stories of the survivors are of personal courage, fortitude, perseverance – not just stories of sharks and what they do. And the lessons of politics, betrayal, and sacrifice are lessons that we need to keep in mind today as we watch our politicians make decisions for us. We need to remember that sometimes, decisions are made that are truly what is best for the well placed minority and not for the majority of individuals... that many individual lives can and will be sacrificed to make one individual's living easier and more comfortable. That should never be tolerated. In the end, the largest shark attack ever was truly the fault of humans. And was compounded by human error, selfishness, and dishonesty. May all of us take a few minutes to sit and remember those that died and remember their suffering...as well as the suffering of those who lived and pledge to help alleviate suffering that we see in the other people that surround us. Let us remember that human failure accounts for much suffering. Let us remember that we have the power to help. No one else has the power that every individual holds in their own hands. Make it count!

2010 Poetry Corner # 7 - "Repentance"

I close my eyes and look within
The deep dark blackness of my sin
is oozing, flushing through my heart
I need to atone... how do I start?

Instead of standing, tall and proud
I need to kneel down on the ground
and pray until my lips are sore
so the Father can open another door
and guide me in so I can see
his love and joy because of me....

I am not perfect- I don't feel whole
I find it hard to heal my soul
but maybe it was meant this way
so I would have to ask each day
for the help I need to just survive
but also.. the help so I can thrive!

History of a Song: May - “Give, Said the Little Stream”

This song was written by Franny Crosby Van Alstyne. Frances Jane Crosby was born in Putnam county, New York on March 24th, 1820. Although born a healthy child, when she was six years old she developed pus in her eyes. A treatment by the local physician caused permanent blindness. Her father lamented at the time, “What kind of life can a blind girl have? Who will want our precious Fanny?” Her father died less than one year later. Her mother read to her everyday from the Bible and her mother told her at one point - “Two of the greatest poets are blind. At times the Lord takes something physical in order to awaken a greater spiritual insight”. From a young age, Frances loved poetry and she was very close to her grandmother who made the bible and the outside world 'real' to her- she could picture everything from her grandmother's descriptions. While others told her that she couldn't do things because she was blind, her grandmother encouraged her to have faith, boundless ambition, and the courage to do both. In 1828 she wrote her very first poem at only eight years old. In 1835, she left her family and went to study at a school for the blind in New York City. She spent the next forty years there. As she grew and learned, she decided to become a teacher. In 1844, she met the founder of the New York Tribune Horace Greenley and soon after he began to publish her poetry. She married Alexander Van Alstyne in March 1858, another student from the same school that she had grown up in and worked as a teacher. By the end of her life, she had written by all accounts around 4000-8000 poems/hymns. She died in Bridgeport, Connecticut in 1915.

The music was written by William Batchelder Bradbury. He was born in Maine in October 1816. By the age of fourteen, he had mastered almost every musical instrument with the exception of the piano. He was also known for writing the music to many other popular hymns including “Jesus Loves Me” and “Sweet Hour of Prayer”. He met Frances in 1864. They spent 4-5 years writing together until he died of consumption in January 1868.

This song has gone through a few small changes over the years. Additional lyrics were written a few years ago by Kimberly Brown... they are:

Give what is in your heart
Give away, Give away
Give what is in your heart
And your heart will ever live

Laugh when you're filled with joy
Laugh away, laugh away
Laugh when you're filled with joy
For laughing's giving too

Snap!
Tap!
Clap!

Give all you've got to give
Give away, give away
Give all you've got to give

Sing when your heart is full
Sing away, sing away
Sing when your heart is full
For singing's giving too

This song is in hymnals for many Christian denominations including the Baptists and LDS faiths. The song has been sung by many organizations and group and was most recently recorded and released on the “The R.M.” movie soundtrack. Due to the popularity and common knowledge that the song has developed over time, it has even been used as a title for a dissertation by Helen Ruth Aspass (Give said the Little Stream: An urban stream cleanup’s impact on scholarly advancement and community enhancement.) A few individuals have used the title name for the name of their posts in their blogs describing the donation of blood, an 'anthem of liberal mormonism' and more.

This song has always been a favorite of mine. I have always loved the images of service and sacrifice as well as the images of joy. Bug loves this song and will happily sing it with almost everyone and he will jump and dance while singing it- he is unable to just sit and sing it as it gives him such a feeling of happiness. So, what are your thoughts on this song? What does it mean to you? The story of Mrs. Crosby Van Alstyne was amazing and inspiring! What did you think of her?

2010 Poetry Corner #1 - "Above All... Try"

I believe in God…so why do I fear?
I believe in love… so why do I hate?
I believe in facing problems… yet I run
Do I really believe?
Do I really feel…?

Or am I running because I do not want to see

My lack of faith.
My lack of endurance.
My lack of empathy.

Please Heavenly Father
When you look down on me
Remember above all
That I do love you
And I do try!