“Introduction to Computing 101” – Introduction to April’s Topic

There will not be very many posts for this class that I can actually put on my blog. I have used a computer for years but I haven’t ever really had any formal training in using many programs and have simply just worked my way along. I took the class for a few reasons; to try and cement some basic knowledge and learn more about the programs that I currently use, to learn more about programs I know very little about but would be very helpful in the workplace, and to see what other resources and programs are out there that I might want to use if I knew how. I knew that this class couldn’t entirely give me everything that I was seeking, but I did get quite a bit out of it and even know how to make some snazzy posters now. :)

What I would like to post about since I can’t post most of my work and it wouldn’t be very interesting to look at is to post about different resources that I was introduced to and my reactions to them. That way I can also introduce my readers to some of these websites that they may not know about which could be helpful to them. I wish I had been able to use some of these sites when I was a few decades younger. So the posts will be pretty short and sweet but hope they will be useful interspersed with the personal postings. Enjoy!

pictures from: http://globe-views.com/dreams/computer.html

The Balance Gap

There is no way to really put this except for just being blunt. I have managed to over the last few weeks to lose the balance that I had managed to attain in my life and schedule. (I guess that’s not too bad for a New Year’s resolution is it… ;) So I found myself last night so exhausted and looking over my rapidly growing list of ‘need to do’ as well as adding work and CPR classes around my full time job … well, even that sentence seems to point out the lack of unplanned time. No wonder I am falling behind on so many things! I was reminded that I had lost my balance a few weeks ago, but I have found it challenging to try and change the pattern quickly. Trying to work on rebuilding my nest egg as well as continuing to pay down bills and of course pay the daily expenses has been a bit draining. I am also getting ready to buy a plane ticket to Utah to see my grandfather and they do not tend to be cheap either- although seeing Grandpa Carlile is priceless and well worth the money! So I have managed to lose my balance again as I have let everything creep up on me.

The good thing is that I am starting to actually recognize the problem and so my body is less likely to break down and collapse for long periods of time. As I have come to start and recognize the symptoms and how my body tends to react I have found myself developing coping mechanism and I have managed over the last few years to be willing to give myself permission to just rest… no matter how big the list is of things that need to be completed. I feel a little lazy when I do it, but I have found that I am able to use the rest of the time more productively and I appear to be able to feel healthier for longer periods of time. As finding an even path in my life is challenging and has always been so, the fact that I have clearly worked hard enough to make some serious inroads into my impulsiveness and ‘overdoing’ is wonderful. I’m clearly not perfect, but…… I’m still trying!

What are some of the things that you do to keep your life on a fairly predictable even keel? To help keep your focus and needs in the forefront of your actions? Did they come naturally to you or are they skills you have developed over your lifetime?

Manic...

I fond myself really struggling to sit in Sacrament meeting a few weeks ago and I tried to write down my thoughts in an attempt to acknowledge and understand them. I do not think I did find understanding after all, but I did manage to get through the meeting and as I read over my thoughts and words, I do have much to think about. I figured that I would share. Do any of my friends feel like this sometimes?

I think that I am a little manic today. Not really sure and until I understand myself better and my emotions/energy I probably will not be able to. I am not even convinced that I have used the word 'manic' correctly- I have no diagnosis or firm knowledge base in which I use it. It was the phrase that leaps to my mind as I sit in the pew trying to analyze this feeling in my body that is almost overwhelming and feels pretty urgent. I am sitting, but I feel my limbs twitch slightly... hopeful for movement. Even my foot, my injured foot wearing a ridiculous ugly boot- is trying to move, subtly flexing. If I am honest, I feel like jumping up from my pew and going home- not due to church, my testimony or even feelings of disobedience- but to cook and then to run. The urge to take off the boot, leap onto the treadmill and to run.... just run, listening to Rob Thomas's voice filling the air and just pushing my body until it can do no more. However, now is not the time... It is the time for Sacrament meeting... so I sit.

Interestingly, my mind is slower. Thoughts are not screaming and racing through it. It's almost like my brain feels the exuberance in the rest of my vessel and feels too tired to even contemplate using more energy on thought. The only thing I know is that I feel terribly exhausted and at the same time, terribly energized and like a rabbit feeling the watchful eyes of the hawk... ready to run, but not sure if it should nor where it would go. So I am still sitting and I find myself twitching and breathing quickly.... and trying to focus on not moving. (What kind of an example would I be for any of the adorable kids that I teach if I jump up and make a fuss in the meeting? What kind of example would I be to myself actually :) And so I am scribbling... trying to understand these strange feelings coursing through my muscles while my brain is trying to listen to the speakers themselves. And, funnily enough, the more I sit and write, the more I feel like I can actually hear what is being said... the more I can endure

And so the meeting ends... and I have many pages of doodles and this page of words. I made it! My feelings haven't changed, but I have made it. I managed to stay sitting and look attentive even as my body yearned for freedom. And now it can have it! Off to the nursery I go to jump and sing and play.... Hooray! :)

2013 Poetry Corner # 8 - "Mathematics" (a haiku)

numbers, lines, x and y
algebra, geometry
math is difficult

PTSD, Torture Specific Syndrome and the Varied Effects of Torture

In some of my readings, this week I was asked to look into the symptoms of psychological torture and how they differ from 'physical' torture. The psychological effects of torture are many, varied and while not as easily 'seen' by the naked eye as physical torture... as just as damaging to the victim's mental, physical and cultural health. However, unlike physical torture, psychological torture is harder to define, prove cause and effect, as well as determine whether it has occurred at all. (Maybe that is why more 'civilized nations' such as the United States will use it more than physical torture.... it gives the leaders plausible deniability. It also appears to give the perpetrators the 'idea' of being humanitarian but also getting the results that they are looking for.) So, whether torture was provided by physical means, psychological... or some of both, all have many of the same effects on the person affected. Isolation, for example, tends to produce changed brain function, disorientation, etc.... and has been described to have some of the same effects as a severe physical beating.

Other symptoms can be insomnia, PTSD and other mental health challenges, emotions such as guilt, pain, grief, anger, as well as problems that can bring back the images and feelings inappropriately. Many victims can feel pain in different areas of their bodies (constant or intermittent), migraines / headaches, troubles eating, social and relationship difficulties as well as severe problems with self identity. Delusions and other psychosis can be caused as well.

Unfortunately, it is also suggested by statistics and interviews that the people around the persona affected end up with many of the same symptoms, challenges and negative world views as the actual victim. So torture is not just the destruction and damage to one human life, but several... a bit like second hand smoke.... invisible but quietly making some internal changes that become difficulties and illnesses over time.

Torture Specific syndrome is usually described by four categories of symptoms:

1. impaired memory and concentration
2. sleep disturbances / nightmares
3. anxiousness, depression, physical symptoms that come without any findable cause, such as stomach complaints, breathing and heart problems,
4. other mental health problems such as depression or anxiety

These symptoms appear very similar to me as almost the same symptoms of post traumatic stress disorder and I suspect that these disorders are treated very similarly if not in the same ways. I'm actually a bit skeptical (and the textbook suggests many others are as well) that they are actually different disorders. It seems like they are just slightly different ways to describe the same problem. I wonder if people would feel more comfortable with one name over another.... like some parents did with the terms Asperger's over autism even though they are parts of the same thing. Not sure. Definitely some challenging reading this week. :)

What do you think? If you have been diagnosed with either disorder... which name 'feels' more comfortable to you? Any thoughts?

An Interesting First Class!

So this semester I am taking three classes; two online and one in classroom. I usually always only take on line classes but I still needed a fine arts elective and funnily enough... very few of them are online. ;) So I signed up for a class than analyzes the American culture and way of life through film. Already, I am a bit surprised. My first surprise was I thought that it would be pretty easy- I analyze books with very little trouble and even though it's a writing intensive course, I love to write so I figured I was pretty set. To my surprise, I was quite wrong on a few levels.

To start, movies are a bit complicated for me. Don't get me wrong- I do like movies- but I am actually very careful what I watch. I was exposed to 'war' movies and horror movies when I was quite young by my mother and I still sometimes have horrible dreams of those movies. (One specific scene I see a few times a year in a thin, small Asian man walking through a field of bones with fear and resignation on his face... not a pleasant scene) If you want a true irony – I love history and most of my 'fun' reading books are history nonfiction, but I do not watch too much on that topic at all. I don't tend to watch the History Channel period – I call it the war channel- and while I have a huge shelf of documentaries at home, none of them deal with war. Most movies I do watch tend to be documentaries (usually nature or science), comedies, as well as books turned into movies. My favorite movie is Pride and Prejudice for drama and Pink Panther (the older ones) for comedy... My Uncle Dee introduced me to those! So actually watching war films for three hours in the first class was very challenging for me. We watched two documentaries; one hasn't even been officially released yet but my teacher has some pull with the producer. That particular one is called “Nazi's Attack America.” It talked about the spies that landed in Hancock, Maine during WWII and reminded me of my friend Sarah Drew who first told me about the spies and their capture. She died about five years ago at 88 years old, but I loved listening to her stories of the depression and the war in Maine.

It was interesting to look at the mug shots of the men that I have heard so much about in my past and to learn that one of the spies comes to Down-east Maine every few years on vacation. I also didn't realize that the war could have continued on longer- I thought Germany pretty much had nothing left at the end, but the documentary made clear that they were still well equipped navy -wise and if a different man had been in charge, this might have been different (or at least the war would have dragged on longer.) On NPR a little over a week ago, the reporter mentioned that Hitler's last bodyguard died. (I think he said the gentleman was 91.) The reporter quoted the man as saying that Hitler 'was just an ordinary nice man.' While it is not comfortable to hear things like this, especially to those who have turned the image of Hitler in their mind into an unforgivable demon, I think those things are so important to hear when people thing them because it confirms to me he (Hitler) wasn't so abnormal... we each as human beings have these inclinations in all of us. Anyone of us could do the same thing if our situations were different and we have to actively fight the darkness in ourselves to not perform these atrocities. Scary, but good to know!

I was very intrigued by the documentary “The War” directed by Ken Burns. It felt very comfortable for me to watch because it really did focus on the individual human element. Dates and occasions as history do not mean as much to me because I do not believe they tell much of the real story. I am very interested in watching the whole thing and watching for a cheap copy... Anybody have one they don't want? :) It really looks like a great film. I was nervous when it first came on the screen because I thought it would be like “Platoon” or “The Killing Fields.” I was genuinely pulled into the story. So I am hopeful that I will get to see the rest of it at some point and I do highly recommend it from the sixty minutes I saw!

There are some movies that I would be interested in seeing that I highly doubt will be in the class. I am interested in the Sweeny Todd film directed by Tim Burton (he's a favorite of mine) and I am also interested in some of the classics as I have seen very few. I am guessing that the class doesn't touch music videos either (according to the syllabus) but I will admit that I am starting to really look at the videos that I play when I run on the treadmill. One song that has started to really intrigue me due to the video is called “Warning” by the group Green Day. I feel like I find something new in the video every time and I am starting to enjoy looking at a few others and trying to see the art and the message in them. Some do not seem to have much, but I've found a few lately that I have enjoyed. :)

So.... What movies are you hoping to see soon? What are your favorites? How do you think movies can express the culture and values that we live in? I would be interested to know how you view and use them in your life.... :)

2013 Poetry Corner #5 - "The Boats in Sacrament"

To sit in Sacrament alone you feel adrift
A dingy in a sea of boats
families sitting, crowded and close
tightly moored in their pews
A glance around - you're all alone
in a sea of empty seats...
But then, a dream and soon you too
are surrounded by love and friends
What bliss and joy and peacefulness
and the world no longer seems bleak

A beautiful wish, a thought, a dream
and a need that is attainable
to serve, to lift, to hug another
is a challenge so easily served
So, brothers and sisters, my friends, my love
What have you done today?
Have you moored your yacht so closed and far
that others fear to join?
Stand up, reach out, a hand, a touch
and for just a moment in time
A boat and a dingy sit side by sit
picturesque, joined, and one.
A beacon for all to see
so that all may join, feel safe, secure
in the arms of our earthly community

Please try, please reach
please ask out loud
and pull us all together.
Let no one feel left out, alone
So all may feel at home.

2013 Poetry Corner #3 : A View into Eternity

If I could see beyond the veil
at the images past it's blinds
Would I recognize the views without
the feelings they provide
Would I feel love, joy and wonder
a smile within my heart
or would I wish to hide, to wipe
my tears inside my mind

If I could see beyond the ridge
at the mysteries I crave
Would I feel the peace of knowing
... the illuminated sight
the joy that comes from challenge met
the joy from knowledge gained
or I feel let down, bereft
the wearyness of the end

I do not know what I will feel
nor do I know that which I seek
To have that knowledge I must know myself
... to understand and seek
Can I reach out and grasp ahold
of that rod of which I need
To struggle forward, to push my soul

What do you see when you look through
...look forward in the light
Do you stand tall and confident
your back toward the night
Can we move forward side by side
support and strength in numbers?
Spend the light and joy together
to learn and grow hand in hand
together, forever, peaceful.... eternity

A Temple Day

… and one that was amazing I might add! I am so excited to share it!

So last Saturday was set for a branch temple trip. A day that so many people were going to come down and watch a wonderful couple get their endowments and then the whole family would get their sealing. I agreed to come and watch children at the nearby church so that whole families could come and other couples could actually do endowments with each other instead of the more usual (one person stays home watching their children and the other gets to go to the temple.) When I agreed several weeks ago, I didn't really have any idea of the full emotional challenges that I would be hit with this week, but I actually should have known... any trip to the temple is usually preceded by challenges so that I have to really actively and painfully force myself forward and those challenges do not end until I get to the temple... or at least a few hours into the drive. This week was no exception... although I think that the challenges I have faced this week were a bit more than I have ever experienced and they never were truly able to be left behind this visit.

So after some initial difficulty of getting into the church building we got all the children in and set in the nursery and the gym. A few Kindles were passed around and my computer was happily enjoyed for a few games of 'Plants vs Zombies.' The younger ones came into the nursery and we found many toys and fun. I got to officially meet a new member of the ward and for the next few hours I lost myself in the task of watching several children – I think eleven at the highest count. Helpers came and went , but the children were a constant and they gave me so many laughs and so much joy. A few things really stick out about this time.

1. At one point early in the day I was asked a question by one of the sisters that I answered honestly, but with great difficulty. I was able to turn away to hide my distress and I think that I managed to actually hide most of it (I'm not foolish enough to think I hid all of it... I think that sometimes my pain seeps through my pores and is always visible no matter how much I try to smile) The second I turned and closed my eyes I was tackled by a beautiful child named Claire. She wrapped her arms around me in a big hug and gave me a kiss..... and then went back to what she had been doing. I am not sure why she did it, but it meant the world to me. I felt this outpouring of love and care that pushed the tears down brought a genuine smile to my face. I felt more confident and just took a deep breath and dived into the work with most of my soul and not just my body.

2. One of the younger girls asked me to help her use the bathroom. I walked to the bathroom with her and stood outside while she completed her business and when I walked into the room to help her finish, she gave me one of the most wonderful lessons I have ever received from a child. She carefully explained that some boys may look like girls... they might have long hair or wear earrings, but she knew a sure fire way to tell the different. See, girls ALWAYS use toilet paper when they use the toilet, but boys will only use toilet paper when they poop. So, she explained, if I am ever in doubt as to whether someone is a boy or girl... I can follow them to the bathroom and spy to find my answer. (I am still laughing about this!)

3. At one point , I was reading a book called “The Tawny, Scrawny Lion' out loud to a room full of children and one of them came and leaned up close. Her name is Kess and she was so interested and was leaning so close I thought she might climb into my lap at one point. I have never really spent any time with her before so it was nice to get to know her a little better on this trip.

After 2pm, I was able to head up to the temple and do baptisms. And to my surprise, even though I was over 1/2 an hour late and wasn't even sure I could sneak in... they were just starting! So I was able to change and join the group. This was the first time that Kess and her mother had ever been to the temple to do baptisms and I earned something really, really quickly... I am not the only person with severe sensory problems in my branch. The idea of total immersion was clearly fearful and terribly uncomfortable for them both. Both of them managed to do one baptism each and it was an amazing experience to view these brave women, struggling so hard to do something that other people find easy or take for granted. Baptisms used to be very uncomfortable for me with my sensory problems and I have really had to work with my body to make them something I can do and still feel the spirit. At one point when Kess was trying so hard to figure out how to do the baptism through her fear, I realized that I was praying and begging so hard for her to be able to conquer her fear for the few seconds it would take.... and I realized that everyone else was too. All the people waiting in the chapel were standing at the window watching, the men around the font, and the rest of us.... just silently pleading with the Father to help her. And she did it! She managed to do it and I am so grateful to have witnessed such a wonderful and brave act. I was so blessed to be there and I am so grateful for the examples that so many wonderful people give me.

After the baptisms and confirmations we started home. I was riding with some friends and they gave me a tour of Kittery and also took me to see a beautiful lighthouse... (I thought of you, Carolyn, as I looked at it. It was soo beautiful and so familiar... I realized it must be a very famous lighthouse because I think I have seen it on cards and some calendars as well.) Then I stayed over at their house in a wonderful cozy bed and slept better than I have in ages. All in all, an amazing day! Thanks for letting me share it. :)

Challenges...

Church has been such a challenge for so long. I feel so uncomfortable and saddened to write that sentence. The words feel harsh and yet they also feel so vague and non descriptive that they seem unmeaningful. Funny that…. But even as I write those words, my spirit rebels… for I do not want to think of church as a challenge. I don’t want attendance or thinking positively at church to be a challenge at all. A good friend this week told me that “church is supposed to be a sanctuary, a place of relief…. a place of respite.” Church has not been that way for me for a little over a decade now and I desperately want to find that again for myself.

So I have been trying. I have thrown myself into my calling. I have used my creativity and my extra resources to get more materials for the library, to add activities and to work to get more members involved in using the library. I have pushed myself to 100% attendance at Sacrament meeting and to keep coming… no matter what. I have tried to reach out and make some new friends and to find friends in those that I didn’t really have the opportunity to really get to know in the past. And I feel like these attempts have really helped. I no longer long to stay home and it no longer feels right to do so. I have some really wonderful friends- ones that I want to trust…. that I feel in my heart that I should trust…and I hear the Lord whisper that I need to learn to trust people again and that these friends are good and strong and love me…. that they are worthy of my trust. The very real possibility of moving out of the branch now feels extremely painful and the opportunity for even more loss in my life. In some ways, it feels like the only thing that I haven’t lost… a gift that I have cultivated and has become a real family. You know, a real family… with members you love that are friends as well, that are strong and will be there no matter what… and those who have hurt you and you can’t truly reconcile with, but they are family and so you try to love and help them anyway. And knowing how much Heavenly Father loves them- as well as his love for you- makes the betrayal and the pain they have caused seem lessened and, in some ways, less personal.

So I was truly determined to get to church today and I was going to do three things. I was going to sit in Sacrament meeting no matter what and I was going to sit with someone and not just find a bench to ‘hide’ in…. I was going to make the library’s hours more regular and go to class. And lastly, I was determined to not allow anything to phase me today. I was going to look at everything with a wide angle lens and remember the important reasons for coming to church. In anticipation of that, I took medication to make sure I slept the night before and had a large meal…... Unfortunately, it didn’t work. I was totally broadsided by something today that I didn’t expect and I wouldn’t even have known how to prepare for. That’s the bad news…


But here’s the good news! I was able to sit through the whole meeting. I was able to find a way to sit and really listen and they were some great things in the meeting. A few lines of some of the talks felt so pertinent that I wrote them down. They have been running through my head all afternoon… so I thought I would share them. Maybe someone else can enjoy them or find them useful as well…..


“We can choose happiness over bitterness…” – Isn’t that really true… I recognize that it is hard (Boy, do I recognize that!), but we really can make that conscious choice and fight to make that a part of our reality. I really want that for myself. What do you think of this thought?

“We should prepare now to live in a better world” – Everyday is a preparation for the world to come… for a place that we as human beings cannot really comprehend even as we make choices that will lead us bit by bit towards the future world. Every choice can lead us closer or farther… or even find us sitting by the side of the path, foot sore and forlorn. I found myself wondering if I am one of those sitting by the side of the road, weary and desperate for a ride… even as I know that I have to walk the path and that a ride isn’t possible or even a good idea. What am I doing to prepare...? What specifically are you doing?

“Bad situations can wear down even good people” – I felt like this statement really reverbated through my soul. One of the things that so many lessons and scriptures tell us over and over is to keep ourselves in safe ways. They suggest that staying away from temptation is so much easier if we never put ourselves in the situation that the temptation is possible. Seems true enough. But this statement seems to cause my brain to focus on the awful situation that I am mired in and my feeble attempts to crawl out of it… and I realized that I feel too tired to do it. Could I have kept myself out of this situation? I don’t really know… What I do know is that doing the right thing is becoming harder to do… in some ways even harder to comprehend doing. I feel like I can safely testify that at least for me, a bad situation is really bringing me down to a place I never imagined I would find myself in. I still do not know how to avoid it in the future, but the lessons I have learned will help avoid some of the situations I have recently found myself in and I intend to protect myself a little better than I have in the past. What do you think about this statement? Do you think it is applicable to you?


May next Sunday be another step towards a brighter future for all of us! :)

I'm Back... :D

Gosh, I've missed blogging. It's so funny, but I miss writing and I miss the satisfaction that I get out of it. I've also missed the brief snatches of conversation and new people that I have encountered in this process....

So I am going to make a very valiant effort to begin again. This seems like a good time as so many other parts of my life are changing and I am starting to focus in new directions and paths. A few paths that I have decided to take are roads that I have traveled before and I feel a small amount of refreshing joy to return to them. Some choices I have come to gradually as I rule out other paths that look so attractive but don't feel like a great choice right now. But rejoining my own tiny part of the blogger-sphere seems good right now.

So here I am... As I begin to write again and focus on topics that are prescient in my life or on subjects that give me joy or pause, I also make a request for my friends and readers. If you have a subject or a need that you wish to know more about but do not have to dig deeply into the large tomes of information, feel free to ask if it would be a topic that would interest me to research for you. I am hoping to find new and and wonderful things to write about. That sounds like a pleasure indeed. :)

2011 Poetry Corner # 3 : The Journey of Recovery

Why so many challenges
I think as I fall
The fall doesn't hurt
The impact breaks all

I struggle to stand
The earth starts to shift
My heart feels torn
My mind feels adrift

How to recover – I do not know
This massive pain
Will it help me grow?

As I recover and life goes on...
Will I feel safe?
Will I ever feel strong?

I will stand up and try to pray
To think nice thoughts throughout the day
And watch for the light that shows the way
To charity, to life, to love secure
All I need is to but endure.