The Balance Gap

There is no way to really put this except for just being blunt. I have managed to over the last few weeks to lose the balance that I had managed to attain in my life and schedule. (I guess that’s not too bad for a New Year’s resolution is it… ;) So I found myself last night so exhausted and looking over my rapidly growing list of ‘need to do’ as well as adding work and CPR classes around my full time job … well, even that sentence seems to point out the lack of unplanned time. No wonder I am falling behind on so many things! I was reminded that I had lost my balance a few weeks ago, but I have found it challenging to try and change the pattern quickly. Trying to work on rebuilding my nest egg as well as continuing to pay down bills and of course pay the daily expenses has been a bit draining. I am also getting ready to buy a plane ticket to Utah to see my grandfather and they do not tend to be cheap either- although seeing Grandpa Carlile is priceless and well worth the money! So I have managed to lose my balance again as I have let everything creep up on me.

The good thing is that I am starting to actually recognize the problem and so my body is less likely to break down and collapse for long periods of time. As I have come to start and recognize the symptoms and how my body tends to react I have found myself developing coping mechanism and I have managed over the last few years to be willing to give myself permission to just rest… no matter how big the list is of things that need to be completed. I feel a little lazy when I do it, but I have found that I am able to use the rest of the time more productively and I appear to be able to feel healthier for longer periods of time. As finding an even path in my life is challenging and has always been so, the fact that I have clearly worked hard enough to make some serious inroads into my impulsiveness and ‘overdoing’ is wonderful. I’m clearly not perfect, but…… I’m still trying!

What are some of the things that you do to keep your life on a fairly predictable even keel? To help keep your focus and needs in the forefront of your actions? Did they come naturally to you or are they skills you have developed over your lifetime?

A Temple Day

… and one that was amazing I might add! I am so excited to share it!

So last Saturday was set for a branch temple trip. A day that so many people were going to come down and watch a wonderful couple get their endowments and then the whole family would get their sealing. I agreed to come and watch children at the nearby church so that whole families could come and other couples could actually do endowments with each other instead of the more usual (one person stays home watching their children and the other gets to go to the temple.) When I agreed several weeks ago, I didn't really have any idea of the full emotional challenges that I would be hit with this week, but I actually should have known... any trip to the temple is usually preceded by challenges so that I have to really actively and painfully force myself forward and those challenges do not end until I get to the temple... or at least a few hours into the drive. This week was no exception... although I think that the challenges I have faced this week were a bit more than I have ever experienced and they never were truly able to be left behind this visit.

So after some initial difficulty of getting into the church building we got all the children in and set in the nursery and the gym. A few Kindles were passed around and my computer was happily enjoyed for a few games of 'Plants vs Zombies.' The younger ones came into the nursery and we found many toys and fun. I got to officially meet a new member of the ward and for the next few hours I lost myself in the task of watching several children – I think eleven at the highest count. Helpers came and went , but the children were a constant and they gave me so many laughs and so much joy. A few things really stick out about this time.

1. At one point early in the day I was asked a question by one of the sisters that I answered honestly, but with great difficulty. I was able to turn away to hide my distress and I think that I managed to actually hide most of it (I'm not foolish enough to think I hid all of it... I think that sometimes my pain seeps through my pores and is always visible no matter how much I try to smile) The second I turned and closed my eyes I was tackled by a beautiful child named Claire. She wrapped her arms around me in a big hug and gave me a kiss..... and then went back to what she had been doing. I am not sure why she did it, but it meant the world to me. I felt this outpouring of love and care that pushed the tears down brought a genuine smile to my face. I felt more confident and just took a deep breath and dived into the work with most of my soul and not just my body.

2. One of the younger girls asked me to help her use the bathroom. I walked to the bathroom with her and stood outside while she completed her business and when I walked into the room to help her finish, she gave me one of the most wonderful lessons I have ever received from a child. She carefully explained that some boys may look like girls... they might have long hair or wear earrings, but she knew a sure fire way to tell the different. See, girls ALWAYS use toilet paper when they use the toilet, but boys will only use toilet paper when they poop. So, she explained, if I am ever in doubt as to whether someone is a boy or girl... I can follow them to the bathroom and spy to find my answer. (I am still laughing about this!)

3. At one point , I was reading a book called “The Tawny, Scrawny Lion' out loud to a room full of children and one of them came and leaned up close. Her name is Kess and she was so interested and was leaning so close I thought she might climb into my lap at one point. I have never really spent any time with her before so it was nice to get to know her a little better on this trip.

After 2pm, I was able to head up to the temple and do baptisms. And to my surprise, even though I was over 1/2 an hour late and wasn't even sure I could sneak in... they were just starting! So I was able to change and join the group. This was the first time that Kess and her mother had ever been to the temple to do baptisms and I earned something really, really quickly... I am not the only person with severe sensory problems in my branch. The idea of total immersion was clearly fearful and terribly uncomfortable for them both. Both of them managed to do one baptism each and it was an amazing experience to view these brave women, struggling so hard to do something that other people find easy or take for granted. Baptisms used to be very uncomfortable for me with my sensory problems and I have really had to work with my body to make them something I can do and still feel the spirit. At one point when Kess was trying so hard to figure out how to do the baptism through her fear, I realized that I was praying and begging so hard for her to be able to conquer her fear for the few seconds it would take.... and I realized that everyone else was too. All the people waiting in the chapel were standing at the window watching, the men around the font, and the rest of us.... just silently pleading with the Father to help her. And she did it! She managed to do it and I am so grateful to have witnessed such a wonderful and brave act. I was so blessed to be there and I am so grateful for the examples that so many wonderful people give me.

After the baptisms and confirmations we started home. I was riding with some friends and they gave me a tour of Kittery and also took me to see a beautiful lighthouse... (I thought of you, Carolyn, as I looked at it. It was soo beautiful and so familiar... I realized it must be a very famous lighthouse because I think I have seen it on cards and some calendars as well.) Then I stayed over at their house in a wonderful cozy bed and slept better than I have in ages. All in all, an amazing day! Thanks for letting me share it. :)

A Visit to the Provo Temple

I went to the temple on Friday. I was determined to go on this trip, but I will admit that even though the temple is closer in Utah... it doesn't seem closer when you are surrounded by family you never see. But everything came together and I went.

This visit was a jumble of emotions. I haven't gone into the temple for years and so I was surprised to find that I was actually quite scared. I am not sure why I was scared... I wondered if I was scared because of a combination of the unknown (it has been a long time), first time in a while (I really wonder with everything going on in my life if I can possibly be worthy- It sometimes doesn't seem possible), and the feeling of so many differing emotions as I approached and waited in the temple. But it was wonderful and there were so many small blessings. The people who helped explain to me what I needed to do and showed caring and concern and a wonderful smile. The gentleman who looked at my recommend and thanked me so much for coming... and then called me by name when I left- he actually came around the counter to shake my hand and to give me a short blessing for my day. I found myself crying sometimes and I wasn't sure why... but it was good. I really want to go again at least once. This is such a blessing at this time in my life. An opportunity to serve others, meditate and to simply feel the spirit is so wonderful. The idea that every name belongs to a person... a person that lived before... that every person has a name and is known to the Father. It was simply a blessing to listen and remember that the Father does know us all... even me.

The Temple

I enjoyed so much my most recent visit to the temple. One thing about the temple is that while every visit is the same (especially if you are unendowed), every visit is so different based on your frame of mind. This visit was a little different because I went for a few different reasons and with a few different thoughts in mind. I felt prompted to go and a chance remark from an acquaintance caused my small and weak prompting to become to become a hard and firm resolve. Even when the typical 'chaos' and negative stuff began in the forty eight hours beforehand (as always happens before the travel and attendance of the temple), my resolve only wavered slightly and never in any permanent way. I felt that the path before me was fixed and I remained resolute in my determination and desire to go.

It was an amazing experience. Some would say that it wasn't much in the sense that after I got to the temple, I just mostly walked around the grounds and thought and cried and wondered and hoped. At one point I was given a great yet uncomfortable insight into a person I used to know and I needed to let go of- I really needed to understand many things. I will not pretend that I understand things better, but I feel differently. Over the last few months my anger has abated and I have looked for peace, direction, and understanding in my life. I am finding peace and a direction that I did not expect but I am attempting to follow. I am trying so hard to allow the direction that I feel impressed upon....sometimes I think I am trying too hard and I want- no need- to go slower, to feel less, to be braver, to lose myself in the opportunities that the Father has provided to me at this point in my life.

One thing that added a bit of humor to the day was the misc chatter of people exiting the temple or walking to their cars while I was walking around. In many ways, I became a moving part of the scenery. People would chat and move around me and carry on their average conversations and it felt a little strange that people carried on average discussions right outside the door. Some started talking on the phone as they walked out the doors. It almost felt like being at the temple was so blaise and so benign that being in the temple and its grounds was 'nothing' and didn't mean much. Now, on one hand, we should behave in the world and in our lives the way we do at the temple- everything and anything should be for our spiritual learning and fulfillment. Here are some of the funny things I heard:


'...and so they ended up divorced and so I was so completely happy...'

'I couldn't remember whether you said the loft or the tower...'

'Well, the ice pack has melted we'll be doing good to get to the church...'

'Are you already for me?'

'...I thought it was just medium... ummm tall, not short. There's no medium?'

'Do you need some more of these sugar free mints?'

'I missed your call because I was in the temple. Did you need anything?'

'Where's Carolyn...?'

'I have to tell you that I am well known for my chocolate eclairs....'

'At least they have take out... (the temple)'

'You might have to sit on your butt.'


Sort of silly huh? I left out the guy who paced outside the doors discussing the ups and downs of the stock market. :) I guess the different conversations on the mundane sounded so strange to me on the temple grounds. So in the end I had a great time and it was worth it. Can I challenge you to go to the temple in the next few weeks? Come back and tell me what you did... and what funny stuff you heard.! I'm waiting.... :)

'The Revised Nun Files' - Questions for my Oral History Interview

Well I am getting ready for my overnight trip for my interview. I am headed to the Canada border so it will be fun and all sorts of things. I am hoping to meet a few new online friends and classmates and even meet my favorite teacher. With the feedback I got from friends and other classmates as well as my esteemed professor, here are the new questions. :)

List of questions shared by both the ‘new’ and the ‘experienced’

1. Tell me a little about yourself. (Where were you born? How many siblings did you have? What did your parents do for a living?)

2. What was your religion growing up? What church, if any, did you attend?
Did you attend a Catholic school when you were growing up and how did that influence you?

3. How were religious holidays (Christmas, etc.) celebrated in your family? Did your family have special traditions?

4. What stood out to you about the church as a child? Did you sing in the choir or do any other church activities?

5. What role did the church play in your life as a child? What role in your community did the church play?

6. Do you remember your confirmation as a child? What can you remember about it?

7. What do you remember your father telling you about religion? Your mother?

8. At what age did you decide you wanted to become a Nun? Did you always have a sense that you would become a nun/sister or did the notion come as a surprise to you?

9. Were your family/friends surprised that you became a nun/sister or did they tell you they knew or could tell this is what you would be? Has anyone else in your family become a nun, a priest or a monk?

10. Did anyone try to dissuade you from becoming a Nun?

11. Who was most supportive of your vocation? Who was the least supportive and why?

12.What was the process like of becoming a nun? What things needed to be accomplished?

13. How did you choose your order and what order are you affiliated with?

14. Have you ever lived in a convent and what was that experience like?

15. What particular spiritual practice is most important to you in your walk with the Lord and why?

16. Can you describe for me what your typical day looks like in your vocation?
Can you describe what a typical year looks like in your vocation? Is there such a thing?

17. What delights/surprises you about being a nun/sister?

18. What has been your most rewarding experience in religious life?

19. Have you ever experienced something that made you re-evaluate your vocation? How did you overcome that experience?

20. Some people think that the vow of poverty is one of the most difficult vows… what do you think about that? Do you have an experience wherein you really felt the weight of this particular vow?

21. How is the ‘church’ today different from what it was like when you were a child? (if this question is pertinent)

22. Is the church asking or getting enough of women’s religious views on Church related issues. Do you think there needs to be a change?

23. What one piece of advice would you give to someone considering a vocation as a nun/sister that you wish someone would have told you when you were first considering the vocation?

24. Have you ever been to the Vatican? What was that experience like?

Questions for the more experienced nun

1. How is being a nun/sister for you today different/the same from being a nun/sister in the past?

2. How has your order had to change in the last 50 years to keep the viability of your mission alive in the Church?

3. How have your views on your vocation changed through your experience?

4. Can you discuss the hierarchy of the church here in Maine? How has it changed over time?

5. The church has gone through numerous changes over the past few decades - for instance, it was not until 1983 that girls were allowed to be altar servers, before it was only altar boys.  Also, at one point, only men were allowed to be Eucharistic Ministers, but now women can play that role.  What do you think of these changes?
Do you agree or disagree… and how have they affected your practice?

6. There is a thought among some church members that nuns and priests should be allowed to marry… what are your thoughts on this touchy issue?

7. There seems to be fewer priests and nuns than there were compared to 20+ years ago? Do you agree with the generalization… and how does this change your job? Does it make it more difficult… and how? Also, are you able to give me figures on how many nuns and priests service Aroostook County/ Maine now… as opposed to when you first started?


I am getting pretty excited about this and the idea of a little travel sounds excellent! So we shall see how things go! :)

Fun in Maryland ...

I am feeling a bit humiliated, totally embarrased and was planted in front of the hotel door because her son 20 minutes ago stripped off all his clothing, unlocked the hotel room door, and then ran laughing loudly buck naked into a lobby of suited, serious people before she could stop him followed by his dog! What a day!