Thoughts on Globalization, Education, and Interdisciplinarity

I think that globalization is affecting not only my education, but almost all aspects of the world that I live in. My grandparents spoke of a time where the world was ‘small’- people didn’t move very far away, family was close by, and most everyone works jobs that were common to the area or available where they were living in. They spoke of people moving around and the exodus of the nuclear family in regards to several generations living close by. The world described by them seemed quite compact and finite. I look at the world as I live in it and also see it as ‘small’, but not for the same aspects. A person can live in Salt Lake City and telecommute to complete their work in Tokyo, or can work at home with an internet connection that brings business and money directly to them in their home. In that perspective, I see the world as potentially small because communities and border no longer hold people into a few options for financial success. That said, I see the world as a vast global community with only a small percentage of people having the opportunities I mentioned above and for the majority the opportunities of financial success are stagnant no matter where they live. Globalization has affected my college as the faculty look to provide educations that will give their graduates an advantage in global market places- the positive effects of their efforts provide more options to students for future career paths… the negative is that higher education is still only truly available to a small percentage of the people in my communities (as well as the global population as a whole.) Globalization has created more options; different degrees, different career paths, pathways to success, etc… However, globalization both in education and life come with costs. The larger the picture, the easier it is to lose the value that is found in diversity, the desire to understand global problems, and the apathy to ignore the social justice and consequences inherent in globalization.

“...one aspect of my complex identity”

I liked this quote because it reminds me of how each of us prepares for our lives and actions every day. I am white and female… but I am also a mother, a student, an ex-wife, a Mormon, a lover, a friend, a mentor, a political activist, an animal welfare provider, a pharmacy technician, a BLS educator, and I could go on as I think most of us could. We all live within the labels that we create for ourselves or are thrust upon us. In some ways, life after university doesn’t feel that different to me than my current daily life. Only one of those labels will change- from student to graduate- and while I can obtain a different job and change or modify another label or two- everything else will stay the same. What I feel like my education has provided me that will continue to make a difference in my future after schooling is how I think and respond to information and behavior both around me and concerning me. I no longer take all information at face value and tend to analyze more. I think I recognize more often when engagement isn’t a great idea, how to respond to negative people and situations, and what to reasonably expect when I advocate for positions that are unpopular both in my community and culture. The ability to analyze, question, and look for better ways of understanding and empathy will serve me well in whatever economic or personal job choices I make.

The ability to understand the needs of interdisciplinary connections and underpinnings in discovering and understanding new forms of knowledge is pretty crucial. A fact held alone by itself is a bit like a toothpick- almost any other fact can make the first look suspect and sometimes can be used to disabuse it of its ‘fact’ status. Making decisions on the basis on one fact tends to cause significant problems in explanation and implementation creating outcomes that are rarely the ones anticipated. I would also argue that can a fact be a ‘fact’ if it cannot be proven on its own merits? Can it only be considered a fact if other knowledge helps sustain its truthful countenance? I would be interested in other’s ideas on that concept. True knowledge can be supported by facts surrounding it and about it- I tend to think of knowledge as the nucleus of the cell which can not live on its own, but needs the support of its ‘interdisciplinary team’ to survive and express itself as needed in its environment. Or put another way; we know what a nucleus does because of how it interacts with the other parts of the cell… and we know how the other parts of the cell work and express themselves due to their responses to the nucleus. A study of one must necessitate a study and recognition of all parts for a true, deep understanding.

What are your thoughts? How do you use interdisciplinary thinking in your life?

Thoughts on eHow....

This was the first website I was introduced to in the class: http://www.ehow.com I searched for some topics that I was interested in and … so without further ado, I will move on to the discussion. :)

I have never used the website 'eHow' and so I took the opportunity to really check it out. I read some of the articles and watched a few of the videos. The first two I watched were as follows:

“Learning to Drive a Car” by Casey Atkinson – length of 1.01 minutes

“How to Change a Fuel Filter” by Richard Goms – length of 3:39 minutes

I choose these few to start with because I have been interested in learning to do a few things with my car and so I thought this might be an opportunity. I watched the videos and for the most part didn't feel like they were helpful. I felt like if I already knew most of the information, then I could learn something, but if I knew very little then I felt like I watched something, but didn't really feel like I learned anything. I realized after looking at my car that his instructions wouldn't really work for my brand of vehicle. So I wondered if the articles might be more helpful, and so I looked at a few of them. They were as follows:

“Want to Display Your Favorite Knives? Do it in Style on a DIY Rustic Wall Rack” by Tim and Mary Vidra

“How to Make Healthy Cat Food” by Sunny Griffis

“How to Give CPR” by an eHow contributor

For the most part, I felt the same way about the articles. I have been a BLS instructor for over a decade and didn't find anything factually incorrect, but I also didn't feel like I would have learned much from it. I guess that when I looked at the articles and the videos I had so many questions and I couldn't get them answered. I found that a little ironic because I like online classes for their flexibility, but I also recognize that I prefer the give and take of the real classroom and being able to look at the person I am speaking to and to ask questions when I have them. I did make the cat food and found that very easy and it was appreciated by my crew, but as someone who cooks a lot and understands that process more... I think that I pretty much just used the recipe and just 'did it'.

I am not sure whether the time I spent on the videos was worthwhile in any sense other than the curiosity I was able to use and to decide whether the site would be useful or not. I don't think I will actively use it again unless I need to for an assignment but I don't consider my time wasted trying to make that decision. I do not think I will recommend it to anyone because I think that many other people would have the same problems that I had with the information; either too little information or the inability to have things explained in a different way and questions answered. At least for me, I do not think this site would help me learn much that I didn't already have some decent knowledge in. I asked my ex-husband to watch a few and he felt like he could learn a few things so I think that maybe the ways that I learn are not compatible with many of the ways that the sites uses to teach. Just my thoughts.

For any of you guys who have used this site… what were your thoughts?

Start of a Journey: Discussions on Celiac Disease

If there is one thing I have learned over the last several years after my diagnosis with celiac disease, it is that this disorder is so complex and causes so many different challenges to the body that even those who have been diagnosed and struggled with the disorder for years still find that their knowledge may not explain all the questions and concerns that they uncover going forward in their lives. I still have so many questions that my physician cannot easily answer or that science hasn't discovered an answer for yet that I find trying to explain the condition to some one who has never had it and make sure they truly understand feels near impossible for a few reasons. One reason is that every person with celiac sprue is different and exposure, heredity, years before diagnosis, and past eating habits can make a really big difference in how the disease is perceived and managed. The confusion that some people feel from knowing both individuals with celiac disease and also from knowing individuals with gluten sensitivity and not knowing the differences between the two disorders as well as the other differences mentioned above is truly understandable. After some recent conversations with a few friends and a wonderful Relief Society President, I have decided to try and take the opportunity to explain the basics about the disorder but also to explain how it affects me... understanding that my experience is not nor can it be the same as anyone elses. My symptoms, my challenges all may be different from the majority of other patients. What I can do is try my best to explain what I do know to the best of my ability- allowing people to correct me in the comments or mention their own experiences and try to start a conversation that will bring more understanding and acceptance for those of us who struggle with it, but also to those around us... who want to help and are not sure how and don't really understand what all the fuss is about anyway. :)

So I am going to break down the information into different posts based on topic and space as its actually a lot of a convoluted information. I will try and cover the most common symptoms as well as sister disorders. I think it's also worthwhile covering long term problems, foods both allowed and unacceptable, and other topics that may become a part of the life of someone with celiac disease. If anyone reading this has questions, wants to add things, etc... please do not hesitate to comment. Let's start a conversation and help and educate each other! That will make the effort that I am putting forth now worthwhile and a joy indeed.

Day of the Turtle

Warning: One picture in this post contains adult content... well, maybe two depending on your idea of adult content. ;)

Sometimes human behavior can make me so sad and I despair over the future of our race. While I am grateful for free agency, I do sometimes wonder how people make decisions and why that are so clearly from almost anyone's perspective cruel and wrong. What helps when I am feeling that way is to see other human beings with compassion and we can work together to try and fix the things that other people do in their ignorance or even in maliciousness. So today gave me sorrow and comfort as well when I was headed to the craft store today.

It seemed like an ordinary Saturday a first. I started the day getting ready for a visit with my Bug and I worked on cleaning up and organizing and also getting things ready for tomorrow; trash to drop off, laundry to put in the car, books and stuff for Sister Robertson's book swap and loan at the church, etc... Bug and I enjoyed a great morning with reading and eating and talking and goofing off and when he left I put on my casual uniform and started driving up to Bangor. I wanted to head up early so that I could drop off some things at the Salvation Army thrift store and get a little lunch before heading into work. In Bucksport, I changed my plans....

While driving through I saw something in the road that didn't sit right with me. Not really sure how to explain it except it looked like flat road kill that was slowly moving. The movement was slow enough that my first thought was it was the wind on a breeze but a second later I recognized that it was an animal and I slowed down very quickly and pulled over. The car behind me recognized the problem quickly and mimicked me and so did the vehicle behind her. I started to open my door to get out and carefully remove the turtle from the middle of the road to the side when a car pulled out from behind us and sped up. I looked at the young man driving and watched as he spend up, aimed at the turtle and laughing hit it and passed us. The truck behind him saw me and quickly stopped. I held up my hand and when the driver nodded I walked in front of his vehicle, picked up the turtle with both hands and moved to the side of the road. The woman who had pulled over behind me got out of her vehicle and asked how she could help. My hands were started to become slick with the small amounts of blood leaking out of the turtle's sides and he was fighting me pretty strongly. But when I put him down he really struggled to hold himself together with a cracked shell – the hit wasn't perfectly dead on, but it caused enough damage nonetheless. I asked her to try and keep traffic moving and to keep both of us safe and I tried to figure out what to do. It took me only a few seconds to realize that I had nothing in my car that could work as bandages or dressings nor was I sure where the nearest vet that was open on a Saturday was. I yelled over to the woman and asked if she had a first aid kit in her car and she looked back over. In tears, she said she didn't have anything and asked me 'what can we do?'

At that moment I recognized the only dressing material that I had on hand, pulled my shirt over my head and wrapped the turtle snugly in it. In a few seconds I realized that my shirt was not a natural fiber and wasn't doing any good... so my garment top came off also and I re-wrapped the turtle- first in the garments and then in the shirt. It worked really well and a few seconds later I realized that the bleeding was under perfect control. It was at that moment that I recognized we had a visitor and looked up in time to see a police officer walk around my car and over to where I crouched- blood on my hands, chest and a little on my pants... and no shirt. I will admit my first thought was that I was in trouble. However, the officer was decent and quickly asked questions which the other bystander answered and as I stood up he asked for pictures and asked where I was headed- was I going to help or leave? I mentioned that the only place I could think that was open vet wise was the emergency clinic in Bangor and I thought I would take the turtle there. He quickly unwrapped the turtle and took pictures- I grabbed a few too and we rewrapped him and I got in my car. One last picture and I was on my way. The officer said he would get as much information as he could from the lady I left behind and said we would chat later. I drove in traffic as quickly as I dared. I called a friend to use the internet to look up symptoms of shock and called the emergency clinic which let me know that I was expected and gave me pretty decent directions. I arrived in Bangor in record time for me, and with only a slight hesitation got out of the vehicle in my state of undress and headed into the clinic.

Over the next few hours it was decided that even though it was a glancing blow, he needed to be put down. I had left my contact information and got to work only a little late- I was given a shirt to wear so I didn't have to figure out what I wasn't going to do at that point and simply wore it at work backwards so my vest would cover the words on the front and would fit the dress code. (That was a gift because I'm not sure how I would have purchased on without walking into a store in my lack of dress.) I spoke with the police officer later who thanked me and he told me that hitting turtles was against the law and said that the was working on locating the vehicle with the good description he had gotten from Darlene (the name of the other woman who stopped with me.) I thought it was a little excessive that there was a law on the books until I found out that people like to hit turtles on purpose because if you hit them right they make a great popping sound. (REALLY! AND THAT'S AWESOME HOW!?!?!?!?) Apparently the forest service gives citations for it regularly. I hung up the phone feeling many things and very few of them felt good.

A few days later and I feel more calm. I did the best I could and that's all I could do. A few people asked for a reference for the person who taught me first aid and I gave out my information because its what I teach now. I might even gain a little work from this experience. In the end, the poor guy died... not on accident or for food or anything noble.... but for sport. I have never been able to understand that viewpoint or way of thinking. It was sadistic and cruel and I am grateful that I do not recognize or no the person who did it because it makes it a little easier to turn it over to the Lord. People hit animals on accident all the time and all we can do is try not too and recognize that it will happen and do our best to prevent it. This was a senseless act and if the young man who did this even reads this, I pray that you will not laugh, but think about how that small choice you made effected so many. Not only did something die that didn't need to, but your actions caused sorrow in a few people and angry in several. Did that choice create so much happiness for you that it negates all the bad it did? I somehow doubt it.

So here I my wish for a small, beautiful animal who passed away a few days ago. Feel no more pain and return to the Father that sent you and loves you. Thank for you the opportunity you gave me to help you and to feel your spirit and peace. Thank you for the lessons your trial gave me. I hope that all is well.

A Memory of Service

Have you ever had one of those really busy days that has kept you so busy and focused on a to-do list that the entire day is a blur except for a brief time of sacrifice and connection that was unplanned, spontaneous and wondrous. I had one a little bit ago... and while I can't remember that much of the many boring errands I did... I remember this part of the day. I went to the library to try and pick up a few books on the new subject that I am going to try and learn. I dropped off some stuff and went to the reference desk and started a discussion with the librarian on what I was looking for. A few minutes into our discussion, a young man walked over and stood behind me. Looking nervous and sad, he waited and since I had asked for some research that would take a few minutes to get, the librarian asked him what he needed. Quietly, he asked how often a comma needed to be used when using the word 'but' in a letter. In a typical librarian fashion - I'm sure that many of you know what I mean- she responded to his question by saying it matters when in the sentence the word was, the topic of the sentence and even the grammar being used by the writer. His face showed so much confusion and he looked down at his paper and asked if she could read it and tell him whether he needed commas. It was so sad and hard to watch and when the librarian said that she would try to help him after she had finished with me, I asked him if I could try to edit his letter for him. He was silent for a moment and I said quickly, “It's not my business what's in it and I won't say anything to anyone. I have very good grades in English and I'm just waiting here while she looks up my information so I'm happy to try and help." He smiled and handed over his letter.

To be blunt, it was awful. I think I am a decent writer, not great. My spelling skills are awful and I'm sure a few people have noticed that I actually do not like to proofread so I don't do it very often. But with my limited experience, I could see spelling and grammatical errors as well as run on sentences and wording that didn't make a great deal of sense. So I sat down with him and we went over every single line. Over half an hour together, we changed his letter asking for financial aid to the college into something I felt really good about. His hope to go to school so that he can help those with abuse or substance abuse problems was reworded so that it didn't state he wanted to help cause substance or abuse problems and other small little tweaks. He told me about his new child and his desire to be self sufficient and we parted as friends. We may never see each other again, but in that period of time we were both able to enjoy each others company and be grateful for the talents that each of us were willing to share. I arrived home feeling a bit more cheery and feeling that I had actually accomplished something good... and not just necessary errands. I hope I can enjoy that wonderful feeling of peace and opportunity again soon!

A Unique Opportunity!

I have always felt a little wary about expressing my testimony and feelings on Christ. Some of my reluctance stems from foolish reasons- fear of rejection or conflict, worry about causing offense and also a small amount of laziness- it takes courage and effort to do it! But another reason is also that sharing your testimony is so personal and makes me feel so vulnerable and exposed... open to attack while my heart and soul... my most beautiful and vulnerable parts are laid bare and feel naked and defenseless. And I have found that many people who are Christian, but have different beliefs, belong to different denominations, etc... chose this opportunity to thrust forward... not with thoughtful conversation, but with reasons and 'proofs' of why my beliefs are wrong. The reasons vary from 'worshiping the wrong Christ' (How many people in this world have been known as the savior Jesus Christ? To my knowledge there is only one man...), to scripture verses expressing why my thought processes are wrong and my eternal soul is in peril. Some people suggest that even questioning the culture surrounding the gospel is disloyal and inappropriate... to both Heavenly Father, prophets, apostles and the Savior- questioning even expresses that I 'do not sustain them' no matter how much I feel like I do. It is very painful to have my beliefs belittled and to even be told what I think... I have actually been amazed by how many people tend to feel pretty comfortable and even justified in telling other people what those people think... which really seems to be a reflection of the speaker's thoughts and not the individual being judged.

So over the last few years, I have actively tried to work on feeling a little less fear and trying to be more open about my thoughts. In a few ways, I have been more successful – I have a few really good friends who I actually feel safe enough to share my thoughts and feelings with. And I have actively pushed myself to try and start conversations with people I do not know. It's probably strange to some of you who know me, but I do feel uncomfortable talking to people I don't know and trust... which is funny because I can totally chat someone's ear off if I feel safe with them. (It's a mark of how the divorce has caused me to close up even more that the phone plan I used to have gave me unlimited minutes and I would use over two thousand a month and I now live comfortably on less than 450 a month.) So I actually try to say 'hi' to people I pass in stores, compliment someone or just say something basic to start an interaction. I have started conversations at church with members that I don't know (sometimes I have started them with people whose names I should know after a decade but I still don't and I am too embarrassed to ask.) And I have worked to try not and shut down conversations as much when unknown people start them with me... I''m working on it and its getting a little easier I think.

So the other night, I was headed home from work and decided that I would do my once weekly 'spontaneous' grocery shopping. Once a week, I head to a few different grocery stores and only look for the 'marked down' basics – fresh fruit and vegetables, dairy products, meat, salads, etc... I am never sure what I will find on these trips and sometimes I find nothing or just a few odds and ends. And sometimes, I come home with salad and veggies for days, some meat and fish, yogurt, milk and sour cream... and even maybe some soup or some beat up cans of tomatoes. This trip is a fun trip- an exclusion for me that doesn't cost me much and helps me to have fresher things to eat on my small income. It's also fun to see what I can find and then create different meals to cook and consume the food. Being able to have this opportunity has been such a blessing and really has made it possible for me to eat pretty well on my income. So I left the first store and started driving to the second. I parked, limped in and started the 'rounds'.

After a quick look through the produce section, I headed over to the seafood section and quickly noticed a decent sale on haddock- $1.99 a lb! I stood at the back of the line and found myself grinning a bit more when I watched everyone else in line buying the more expensive fish and the price to the haddock was changed to 0.99/lb in the hopes of moving the last little bit before the store closed. The woman in front of me completed a fairly complicated fish order and moved out of the way so that I cold place my order. I order three pounds of the good stuff and, as they wrapped up my order, the woman who had been in line before me started a conversation with me. She asked what I was going to do with my fish and I talked about my plans for it – I thought I would fry up a pound with lots of bell peppers and broccoli and put the rest in either soup or make it into sandwiches. She introduced herself as Donna and shared her amazement that I could make fish into something that sounded wonderful so easily. And so I stopped with my basket... and Donna with her cart and we chatted. I told her about other easy ways to cook fish- one of the few things I am really decent about cooking- and she decided to get some fish for herself. I moved on looking through the meat department and was headed to the front of the store when she caught me up again. Donna thanked me and asked how I decided when to buy something and so I told her about my trips. I talked about some of the places in the stores where they 'hide' the markdowns and how I decided something was a good value or not.

It was during that conversation that Donna looked at my neck and asked about the necklace around it. I looked down and asked her which necklace she was asking about (I was wearing two) and she pointed at my gold chain with my young women's medallion hanging down at the end. I've actually never had anyone ask me about it before and, as I felt myself close up, I took a breath and told her about it: what it is, what it means, how I earned it, and how much it means to me as a symbol. Donna then asked what church has such a great program and I said those words that open the door to potential trouble - “I'm a Mormon.” Her response was quick and so unexpected to me - “Oh, like Glen Beck!” - that I didn't school my face very well and my feelings of dismay and annoyance must have been seen clearly on my face. She stuttered and said, “Well, I mean not like Glenn Beck, but you belong to the same church and stuff.” That I agreed with! And she asked me more and listened respectfully and asked a few questions of me that I think she must have gotten from conservative talk radio (probably from the formerly mentioned) and I told her the doctrine I have learned and my beliefs in it. She told me about her church and I asked questions about it and she answered and when we parted, she thanked me again for the shopping information and for chatting with her and hen said something totally unexpected to me.

“God bless you! I am so glad I ran into you today!”

I finished my shopping and went home with a lot to think about. Even a few weeks later I am still thinking abut it. I am glad I took the risk, thankful that it didn't turn into a really painful experience that would bring my anxiety to the forefront of my mind again. And I feel able to try and do it again. But most of all, I feel like I have started a relationship that over time can turn into friendship and even more. I am so thankful that I have accomplished and earned my medallion and grateful that I found the courage inside of me to talk about it. You just never know when you can testify of Christ... you can share his love anywhere, even next to a counter of cheap fish. :)

An Official Welcome to Bear and Mina :)

So it's time for an official introduction to the new – well, newer to me at any rate- cat siblings that I have adopted. I mentioned them in a previous post, but they are now settled in and even have names. As such, I am ready to give them a short and proper introduction.

It is certain that I didn't need any more cats at the time that they entered my life. I had Morianna- a good and deserving stray that spent most of her time hiding in my kitchen drawer. Bella the stray is thin, but pleasing and has a quite a personality. And I had also agreed to allow a few people and their cat to move in with me temporarily so I figured that was enough on top of everything else going on. But an outing with a friend and a few machinations... and I came home with two eight month old cats. Black and white and obviously devoted to each other, they can sit looking like the most serious bookends at each end of the couch... or they lay intertwined like the most exhausted and obsessed lovers caught in the wee hours of the dawn. When they first came in, both of them immediately investigated the other inhabitants of the house- Morianna was frankly a bit appalled- and then settled in. Unlike other cats that I have known, I found it challenging to come up with names for them. Their personalities are very different and didn't easily come out with a name. Also, still being quite kitteny- and I'm not really fond of kittens- I found getting close to them really challenging. It has taken a few months for all of us to really settle in.

So the male... older by a few minutes is named Bear. He is an exuberant soul and feels joy in almost everything! He is the first to reach the door when I come home at night and tends to be the first in everything; he is first to the food bowl, first to pat my face awake and first to be found stretched across my bed like a small happy pelt with a loud purr to match in the early afternoon hours. He is also the first to come and hop onto my lap... or sometimes even my homework. It has been a long time since I have any cats in my household that have had the exuberance and desire to stampede over the home and I will admit that I have missed it. A few times a week, I have taken the opportunity to sit and just watch as the whole household of cats run and leap and jump and dash through the house. Once I was accidentally hurt as Bear leaped down from the lamp onto the top of the bed and landed on my face with one paw landing directly on my left eye – it felt bruised for days. But I couldn't be angry for long, he was so happy and quickly exuberant again. Bear is very much Brock's favorite and they can be seen snuggling and tussling as often as they can. In fact, I have never seen a cat that 'needs' to be part of the action so much. I'm looking forward to more fun for many years.

His sister, a smaller and more delicately framed little one, is named Mina. I have no idea where the name came from... I just know that it popped out one day and it stuck. She answers to it and can quickly be seen running up or lounging around to watch the action. She is more reserved and her brother, but absolutely dotes on him and has also become Bella's shadow as well. I have caught Bella forcibly washing Mina as well if her 'toilette' doesn't meet with Bella's strict approval. She is also happy to curl up into my lap and then sit and stretch- purring and pliant while I read a book and I feel so full and peaceful in those moments. She reminds me of Miagray- a Miagray that I once knew except that she isn't so afraid to feel and show it. It's quite wonderful actually.

They still help me sleep and together they are quite a formidable and fun pair. With the addition of Finny- another story that I may tell one day- my household is full and complete. Even now as the night comes in, I sit surrounded by purring friends. I have a good book and a warm stove and everything may still be in slight disarray from moving but everything feels orderly and peaceful. So a hearty welcome to my new housemates and friends! :)

A Baby Step Forward

So… I have a new place to live! No more tents or cars or anything half baked. I have an actual apartment with a kitchen and *gasp* a bathroom too. : ) I am still moving in and will be for a few weeks, but I am slowly trying to figure out the new routine in my life. Some parts feel so strange and unreal. And I am very much on an emotional roller coaster. I suspect that will continue even as I finish moving the few belongings that I have left into the apartment.

There have been many blessings in this move. One is that I haven’t really had a way to cook really healthy food for a long time. Not having a set kitchen has made things pretty difficult. But I have a kitchen now and some friends have made sure that kitchen wise I am all set! I know have all the needed dishes and I have been spoiled with a hand blender as well as a few other appliances. I have bowls and pans and so now I need to change my old mindset…. as I can cook again! I have gotten in the habit of I can’t cook so why bother and I think that habit has taught me to skip meals like mad – gotta stop doing that too. Another blessing is the opportunity to be able to actually spend time with my cats. My ex is in a bit of a hurry for me to get on my way and so he has been very helpful in giving of his time, energy - and today his blood- to get my stray friends boxed and to the vet for neutering and then pills and flea treatments. They are comfortably resting in the ‘extra’ bedroom in my apartment. (I feel a little ‘wealthy’ and wasteful to have a room for my cats… doesn’t that sound so ridiculous. : ) They will have a bit of storage in their room for a while and as they seem to like using the storage as forts that seems very doable. I don’t have any furniture with the exception of two chairs and a book case, but that seems like a good start. A part of me is starting to feel excited about my new opportunities.

One hardship that I am trying to figure out is the idea of living alone. I have realized as I have thought about it over the last few days that I really have never lived alone. I am not sure that I even really know how to do so. I will hear noises in the night and sit up, confused and frightened… listening and then finally able to go back to sleep. I find myself trying to fill the quiet and even a little bored as I look around wondering what I should do next. (I think putting myself on a schedule will be a bit important to stop that… I don’t think that’s a good habit to start.) I can have horrible dreams- many of which I can’t really fathom how to interpret so I find them not only terrifying but confusing and perplexing as well. So I no longer have any one to disturb if I can’t sleep or I am struggling, but that seems to make the struggle seem more difficult as it becomes even more obvious that I am all alone. I have the freedom to do whatever I want and so, in theory, that should be a benefit. But I guess I haven’t really ever learned to be alone and so I feel it keenly sometimes and I find it very difficult to not just lay down and cry. I find myself starting at the fridge and feeling relief and a little joy that I have food and a fridge and then think… but why bother… no one to eat with. How ridiculous is that? I think in some ways I have become a fresh adult ready and moved out from the parent’s home… I need to learn all the things that I never learned and I need to develop the wish/need to care for myself again. Scheduling, coping, all that stuff.

But I have made a good step forward. I have a safe place to stay and even though I am not sure I want to plants any real ‘roots,’ I can rest and try to figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life. I feel a little like my apartment- mostly empty but with good things and ready to accept them. Bug also enjoyed his visit today and I was able to really enjoy his company and we were both comfortable…. a wonderful experience. So I will see what I can do… and what other steps I can make…. : )

2012 Poetry Corner #2 : Freedom

There is a peace in being free
A stillness I have never known
The opportunity to be
Still, silent, aware





There is confusion in being free
So much I do know know
This isn't where I thought I'd be
Old, tired, alone







There is a grief in being free
My soul feels battered and bruised
But loss brings opportunity
Slow, sure, divine





There is a relief in being free
I can chose my own way
What I do is up to me
Whims, promptings, choice





There is stability in being free
For my schedule is almost my own
What the future holds, I cannot see
Change, clarity, being



So soon I will be free
And I will own what's left
May I move on and clearly see
Joy, possibility, love