The Space Between Life and Death

To sit at the bedside of the death of a friend is to look into the gaping mouth of hell. Grief chops at you little by little as their life is slowly drawn away. Sometimes, watching every breathe is painful and you want to see the continued rise of the chest ... and you desperately want it to stop to end the suffering therein. You find yourself stroking the frail frame and speaking of the banal because you can't say all that is in your heart for there are no words... or the words and emotions behind them will not help and will only cause more hurt. So you sit quietly and listen to every breath until you find your own mind and body become the mirror image of the life ebbing away. Your breathing slows and all you can see is the simple image of life and desire intertwined. You start to feel their pain in your own body and your mind whispers the same prayer over and over and over. You don't even feel the tears running down your cheeks and barely notice that you can no longer see as your glasses are coated with the tears that have been falling over your lids for what seems like eternities. You struggle to notice the discomfort in your limbs because your own comfort has fallen behind your one need- to be present in those few moments that will soon be over and will never be repeated. In these moments, I feel my own weakness... my own inability to stop suffering or help to end it. I feel some of my beliefs crumble to ash and I am forced to face the deficits in my faith and my heart. The bone deep weariness that surrounds you feels like the new normal as everything you do brings you back to this single point... sitting in a chair next to a friend... watching the failing physical frame and murmuring to the strong soul within which will soon be released. You watch the seizures and you shake, the breathing and you mirror it, the silence that envelopes you both. For this brief periods of time, I hate death and I pray for it... I push it away as I grasp it... I welcome any positive change even if it means death has won for now. Soon, the mouth of hell will close and only love and grief will live on... but in these brief moments I feel like I learn more about what hell really is and what heaven may be than any Sunday school lesson ever taught. And I do have so much more to learn... so much more...

2012 Poetry Corner # 9 : 'Beauty in Time'

The Beauty of Time

How do you see the darkness disappear?
Have you watched the dawn return?
I watch the darkness start to fade
and the light slowly seep in...
One long blink and the sky is awash
with color and brightness and clarity
For a new day has begun.

How does the darkness engulf the day?
Have you watched the night close in?
As the sun appears to move away
and the darkness rumbles in...
For a long moment the light will struggle
Soon, its gone
For the night has returned.

Time moves on, slowly yet sure
Until the moment that we change
Enjoy the beauty, breathe in the joy
For you never know when it will be gone.

2011 Poetry Corner #1: The Storm

The water glides rippling past my toes
As the wind rages, the ripples become chops
Almost violent and angry

And while the world sways and rages around me
I sit- a silent spectator …
Waiting for the wave that will come
And rejoicing in the storm that is outside me
… and not inside.

Trials and Temptation

(David Lynn)

“Didn't He say he sent us to be tested? Didn't He say the way would not be sure? But didn't He say we could live with Him forevermore, well and whole if we but patiently endure? After the trial we will be blessed, but this life is the test” - The Test by Janice Kapp Perry

The last two months, I have felt tested beyond anything I have ever dealt with in my life. Scarily enough I am finding this harder to deal with than my turbulent adolescence in my parent's home... although I think that is because I didn't expect to be so threatened in my life ever again. However, it has happened and I am unsure what to do. In some ways, I think I feel almost bipolar- my moods change constantly depending on my thoughts which are headed in almost any direction as I try to cope. And trying to deal with the outside forces bombarding my mood and emotions has been almost impossible. In the past when I have needed to try and cope with severe problems, I have been reminded of a Bible verse:

1 Corinthians 10:13 - There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it.

The first time I heard someone describe this Bible verse was in Sunday school and it was misquoted. Many people have shortened this verse to mean that “Heavenly Father will never give you more than you can handle”. Just my opinion, but that is absolute bunk. First of all this verse uses the words “you will not be tempted”. Second, God does not 'give' us the problems that we face- most of those problems come from ourselves as consequences or from other people and their free agency. I know that it can be comforting to smile through our tears and repeat over and over that we can handle it, but it is just false doctrine. The other (and main) reason I think that this statement is bunk is that it tends to be used by others to justify their good fortune- “I am good and that is why I have money... she is bad and that is why she is having problems with money, children, etc...”) By using this justification, it allows people to divide others into 'us' and 'them' and permits them to justify allowing suffering and allows them to feel comfortable either not helping and/or judging.

I can not accept that. I can not accept that some people are poor because they are bad. I can not accept the idea that rich individuals are closer to perfection – not to beat a point into the dust but.... Tiger Woods anyone? And so I find myself frustrated with this platitude and others that seem to mostly justify not doing anything about bad things. I take the scripture verse at face value- Heavenly Father will not allow us to be tempted past our endurance. Trials, however, are different from temptations no matter how you splice it.

I believe that temptations are personal- it may hurt or cause consequences for others, but your sins are your own. Isn't that listed in Article of Faith number 1? Trials, however, are meant to be faced with others. We are on earth so that we can be tested but also to make the test easier for us around us. If we allow ourselves to become so insulated and arrogant that we do not help each other... well, what is left to enjoy in life. If we only help those we love... a lot of people will be left out to struggle alone which is not what our Father intended. We can not allow ourselves to be so self involved that we do not ask ourselves a question – “Is Heavenly Father hoping to use me to ease this burden?”

We can not make it alone- only be helping each other can we hope to make it!

2010 Poetry Corner # 5 - "My Husband..."

My...

Honest
Understanding
Sincere
Battle-weary
Amazing
Noble
Devoted

My...

Loyal
Observant
Vital
Empathetic
Romantic

My...

Funny
Reliable
Intelligent
Exciting
Nice
Desired

….... :)

Introspective

Loving
Organized
Vibrant
Exhausted

Yummy!
Optimistic
Unique

!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2010 Poetry Corner #2 - Robert

I have a man, a man who lives with me.
I love him so; he is a part of me.
I wouldn’t know how to live my life without
What will I do when life turns inside out?
Will we be together after my last breath?
Or will love live on in separate form
Will I have to live with someone else for eternity?
Without the one who makes me want to live?

Is Questioning Bad?

Why do people tend to believe that if you question something, you are inherently bad? Why is questioning bad? Why do we as human being fear curiosity? Is it questioning itself or do people get upset depending on other factors- such as who is doing the questions, what is questions, how it is asked, etc...

When I was growing up, questioning someone was not a learning experience- it was rebellion, pure and simple. In college I was taught that questioning is the source of growth and learning. But every time I question some policy or cultural expectation of the LDS church (notice my word choice – I am not questioning doctrine), I am branded by almost everyone as a foolish befuddled person who has fallen prey to anti-Mormon ideas, apostate visions or just simply too confused to truly understand the church. My testimony and faith are questioned and found lacking with no evidence besides the word “Why”.

To me, the idea of dissent and questioning of faith are inherent to my faith and stem back to the very earliest Mormon faith. If truth be told, would Mormonism exist without the faith and questions of our first latter day prophet Joseph Smith? Almost every revelation he received was based upon asking the Lord for confirmation and answers to questions. In the church today, we are encouraged to ask Heavenly Father for anything understanding that he is never to busy for us and he will answer our prayers. We can receive revelation to help us with specific needs, responsibilities, and questions and to help us strengthen our testimony. D&C 76:5-10 states:

5 For thus saith the Lord— I, the Lord, am merciful and gracious unto those who fear me, and delight to honor those who serve me in righteousness and in truth unto the end.

6 Great shall be their reward and eternal shall be their glory.

7 And to them will I reveal all mysteries, yea, all the hidden mysteries of my kingdom from days of old, and for ages to come, will I make known unto them the good pleasure of my will concerning all things pertaining to my kingdom.

8 Yea, even the wonders of eternity shall they know, and things to come will I show them, even the things of many generations.

9 And their wisdom shall be great, and their understanding reach to heaven; and before them the wisdom of the wise shall perish, and the understanding of the prudent shall come to naught.

10 For by my Spirit will I enlighten them, and by my power will I make known unto them the secrets of my will—yea, even those things which eye has not seen, nor ear heard, nor yet entered into the heart of man.

So, if revelation is so important and questioning is a basic part of our religious structure so that we can receive revelation, why do we pounce like feral dogs onto our fellow saints who question? Why do we immediately assume that their questions are meant to cause harm to the church? Why do we fear them? And why are we not more like them? Because to question helps us to learn more about God and life itself....