Showing posts with label alone. Show all posts
Showing posts with label alone. Show all posts

2014/08/27

Do You have Sensory Problems?


I do... have for as long as I can remember. I didn't always understand why some parts of me were different from other people nor do I always understand some of the ways I respond now. Some ways that my body may respond to a stimulus I still do not understand... but I accept it and sometimes laugh about it... and sometimes cry about it... and sometimes I just shake my head and shrug. In the end, my processing challenges are a part of me and make me the unique and wonderful individual that I am. That said, I was in my thirties before I was even heard the term sensory processing disorder / sensory integration disorder and researchers are still trying to understand how these disorders work. I thought that I would take a few minutes to talk about the basic human sensory system and leave you with a small list of questions that you can read and, if interested, can use to look at your own behavior and responses to different stimuli and determine if you too, might have some sensory processing challenges. :)

When I was growing up, I learned about the five senses: touch, taste, sight, hearing and smell. The sense of touch as processed through our skin and taste processed inside of our mouths.... the sense of sight which is processed through our eyes and sound through our ears... and the sense of smell through our nose. And each of these organs sends the information to the brain for final processing so that we can use the information. In the processing the information is organized in the brain so that we can use it to make appropriate responses to external stimuli. For those with disorders of the sensory system, the organized information may not create the correct responses.... the child who reaches toward a snarling cat and is genuinely confused when the cat hurts it... the person in whom fear causes hyperactivity or out of control behavior, etc...

So let's start with some basic questions. Here is how the questions work. Each question should be looked at by thinking of how often you perform the behavior in question. The more often you do it, the more likely it is that your brain is having some difficulty processing the information in a 'neuro-typical way'. Is that a problem? Not necessarily... it really depends on how my your behavior in this regard affects your quality of life.

1. Do you prefer the dark, happily avoid bright light and feel happier in dim light? Do you find that you are bothered by light when others feel comfortable?

2. Is it difficult for you to accurately visualize images or objects in messy or cluttered backgrounds? Do you end up staring at objects overly long to process the information?

3. Do you find it more challenging or impossible to complete tasks with noise or music in the background? Do you find yourself easily distracted by noise or even seek out noise or make sounds simply to have noise around you?

4. Do you avoid noise or sounds? Are you slow to respond to sounds around you that are relevant and important... an inability to recognize what sounds are important and to block out sounds that are not?

5. Do you have difficulty processing really strong smells? An inability to smell odors that the people around you can?

6. Do you find yourself feeling large amounts of anxiety or anger when your expectations or your routine has to change? Do you find yourself doing tasks in inefficient ways because it feels more comfortable to you? Do you move from one activity to another not completing any of them very quickly?

7. Do you prefer to be alone? Prefer quiet activities? Quiet areas and places?

8. Do you have problems with textures in food and limit what you eat based on what the food feels like? Do you crave certain foods due to flavor or strong smells or will you only eat certain foods?

9. Do you have problems with touching or being touched? Do you react emotionally when being touched by people or things such as water, unnatural fabrics, etc.. or do you crave touch and will touch too much and too often?

10. If something touches you such as clothing, are you able to 'forget' the touch.... or do you feel the clothing and its touch all day in part of your mind? Do you go barefoot because shoes feel uncomfortable? Do you fill your hands with things so avoid people touching your hands?

11. Do you seem to have an awareness – or lack of awareness- to pain or temperature that is different from most other people? Can you injure yourself and find that the pain is not at the level that it should be for the injury? Do you feel comfortable in a snowy environment in short sleeves?


I could definitely go on and healthcare providers who try to help their patients with sensory issues will ask many more questions than this.

One challenge that comes with sensory problems is that as someone struggles with them and they find the way they respond is so different from other people, it affects the individual's emotional well being. People with sensory problems appears to be more likely to develop low self esteem and self critical behavior. They are more likely to exhibit socially inappropriate behavior as well as difficulty expressing emotions in a healthy way. The odds of having problems with anxiety are a lot higher in this population making a challenging situation sometimes worse. I will admit that I find it challenging sometimes myself.

This post is so basic that I beg of you to not make any diagnosis or take to much out of it. I just wanted to take a little time to introduce the topic to start a little basic awareness. If you want more information, please feel free to leave any questions you want answered in the comments or speak to a medical professional about your thoughts. Both of these diagnoses are still debated by healthcare professionals so if you would like more information, be sure to find a provider who has studied and has knowledge of both sensory processing disorder and sensory integration disorder and the nuances between them. Thanks for sharing. :)

2013/09/03

2013 Poetry Corner #5 - "The Boats in Sacrament"

To sit in Sacrament alone you feel adrift
A dingy in a sea of boats
families sitting, crowded and close
tightly moored in their pews
A glance around - you're all alone
in a sea of empty seats...
But then, a dream and soon you too
are surrounded by love and friends
What bliss and joy and peacefulness
and the world no longer seems bleak

A beautiful wish, a thought, a dream
and a need that is attainable
to serve, to lift, to hug another
is a challenge so easily served
So, brothers and sisters, my friends, my love
What have you done today?
Have you moored your yacht so closed and far
that others fear to join?
Stand up, reach out, a hand, a touch
and for just a moment in time
A boat and a dingy sit side by sit
picturesque, joined, and one.
A beacon for all to see
so that all may join, feel safe, secure
in the arms of our earthly community

Please try, please reach
please ask out loud
and pull us all together.
Let no one feel left out, alone
So all may feel at home.

2013/06/06

The New Friend

It has been approximately two months since I gained a new housemate...namely a new cat! How she joined my quirky entourage is a funny and frankly lucky story, but it feels sufficient for me to say that I came home from church on a blissful and restful Sabbath afternoon and in less than an hour, my day had changed. An impulsive move and a lot of luck... brought a filthy, scrawny ball of energy that was soon hiding under my bed. And like my other three 'strays', she would hiss lightly when I lifted up the end of the futon. It was a funny image to see four cats in a line- three hissing and then Morianna sitting quietly and realizing that at least in this instance, the same mutual concerns of fear and and the unknown were able to allow a new, unknown cat to merge into my small herd with no fuss or territorial squabbling. In fact, you would think they had never known a time without each other. It was pretty amazing to witness and so I could begin to focus on the immediate needs- a bath was really essential as well as potential worming and flea removal and all that sort of thing.

So the next day, I began. After a trip to the pet store after my shift I began the semi arduous and struggling task of corralling the new member and bathing her. I named her Bellatrix – she reminded me of a character in the Harry Potter series, Bellatrix Lestrange, due to the amount of dirt, frizzy hair and the snarl marring her otherwise beautiful face. With a good friend, I managed to clean her without drowning us both and without a large loss of blood on my end. The amount of hair that came tumbling and shedding off into the tub was an amount significantly large enough that when pressed together, it resembled a small guinea pig. However, within a few days, Ms. Bella was eating, purring and quickly became an irreplaceable part of my household. Taking her cue from Morianna, I would find her waiting near the door when I arrived home or running cheerfully towards it to greet me. Treats given from my hand soon encouraged some good closeness and as her weight became more acceptable her fur began to shine and she began to use her new found energy more productively. (She is still too skinny, but she feels more 'solid' now; when I first picked her up she felt like skin wrapped around bird bones... totally light and easily breakable.) A trip to my favorite vet with shots and wormer and she is as good as 'new'... and she has been rechristened Bella as she no longer reminds me of that dark character in the least. Her clear relief at easy food and safety has really come out as she follows me everywhere and guides even my two most stubborn strays to do the same. Her physical beauty and her deep inner joy began to trickle out and now flood into the home environment and I feel her contentment when I come home. It's just a great experience everyday. Today she is at the veterinarian getting spayed and ready to hopefully have a good long life with me. I will truly miss her tonight.

So, I think its official. I am now a 'crazy old cat lady'. The fact that I also own a hamster only puts an even more interesting spin on the funny stereotype, doesn't it? But I feel content and happy. I love coming home to be greeted by two, maybe three friends and I find a little exasperation, but mostly joy in getting covered in cat hair with beautiful, purring sweeties rubbing on my legs and sitting on my lap and bed when I settle. Reading the scriptures next to a purring cat is wonderful for a few reasons. The soft comforting sound helps clear my mind for reading and real study. While doing this I have found that I focus longer as I am pulled in and I find that I don't want to end the moment. That time of peace and comfort has been getting longer as it has become not just something I have been told to do, but something I look forward to throughout my day. When I get home, I see an exciting and happy time about to open... and not the dark lonely nights that I used to feel. (I won't pretend that those nights are all gone, but they feel fewer and far between.) What a beautiful and wonderful gift! I am very grateful. :)

2013/03/04

Alone No More....

I had an interesting, painful experience at church last Sunday. It has taken me a few days to really process it and to understand this profound experience and how to complete my grief process to a peaceful acceptance. I once shared a really painful and challenging post on a different blog site about some of my previous experiences at church. And at that time, for the first time in a long time, I felt some support and a feeling of relief. I had so much emotion and pain bundled into my body and my heart and sharing some of the grief and challenges felt so releasing. I thought that in that experience I might have removed some of the pain- to puncture the bubble of figurative pus and then clean and bandage the wound so healing would occur. I now realize that was only a start, and not actually an experience that brought me near the end of my journey.

I have been enjoying Sacrament meeting so much lately. After years of being unable to really hear it, I take great comfort in being able to sit with paper and pen and just listen. I try and take notes on the things that strike me in the talks and later I usually head back to the apartment and reread and ponder the things that I have learned after a visit from Bug . I have also had the wonderful opportunity to help new friends with their children and so I can sit and rock with a beautiful spirit snuggled into my lap while we color or draw and sit and work on reverence. It is something that I enjoy so much and I look forward to every week. Sometimes, I will be surrounded by so many beautiful children that I can't take any notes, but I feel the spirit and I do feel spiritually fed. I so look forward to those meetings and the peace that I feel.

Yesterday was fast Sunday. I came to church a bit disheveled and very tired so I sorta knew that being or feeling spiritual would be harder for me. Within a few minutes of sitting down as we were singing the opening hymn I saw Ian out of the corner of my eye. When I looked over at him, he waved and slowly came over to sit with me. And so I spent Sacrament meeting with Ian sitting next to me watching him draw and quietly encouraging him to listen. It was a relatively normal Sabbath meeting for me... until the last testimony.

At that time, Ian had climbed right up onto my lap and was quietly sucking on his thumb while I slowly rocked him back and forth. Sister Erickson started talking about our ward family and how much it means to her. And as I listened, I slowly came to the realization that I feel a part of this family. For the very first time in my life, I truly feel like I have a real, supportive church family... a group that loves me and I belong to. And, as I rocked back and forth, I saw the past image of me standing in the back of the room. Standing all alone with my son in my arms or one my shoulders. Just alone. Feeling blocked off and alone and not able to fit in. Wishing for help, wanting help, begging and needed a friend and having no one. Just standing and wishing that I too could sit with everyone. And now I have it, but I don't have my son. I can't sit with him or hold him and that opportunity I lost forever. And without meaning to, I found myself rocking Ian and quietly sobbing like my heart was broken. I felt so alone and sad and just unable to stop rocking and crying. I just pulled Ian closer who seemed to enjoy it and he continued to smile and look at me as I sobbed. The testimony ended and the group started sing the hymn “Because I Have Been Given Much” and as I listened to the words I felt this pulling of gratitude for what I do have, but at that moment I felt so hurt and alone. I missed my son, my life, my loved ones, my siblings who are so far away and I didn't feel like I could move for the pain of it all. A moment later, I felt a person sit next to me and put their arm around me. For a brief moment, it felt like the Savior holding me and I heard the voice of Spencer W. Kimball saying “God does watch over us and does notice us, but it is usually through someone else that he meets our needs.” As people continued to sing, I sat and felt so loved and not alone at all. Even though I was in the back of the chapel and this brother had been sitting in the front, he felt prompted to notice and come help me... to hold me.... to remind me of Heavenly Father's pure love for me and soon I was able to sing the words as well.... “I shall give love to those in need; I'll show that love by word and deed: Thus shall my thanks be thanks indeed....”

I know it to be true from the very bottom of my heart. I am not alone any more.

2012/10/13

A Baby Step Forward


So… I have a new place to live! No more tents or cars or anything half baked. I have an actual apartment with a kitchen and *gasp* a bathroom too. : ) I am still moving in and will be for a few weeks, but I am slowly trying to figure out the new routine in my life. Some parts feel so strange and unreal. And I am very much on an emotional roller coaster. I suspect that will continue even as I finish moving the few belongings that I have left into the apartment.

There have been many blessings in this move. One is that I haven’t really had a way to cook really healthy food for a long time. Not having a set kitchen has made things pretty difficult. But I have a kitchen now and some friends have made sure that kitchen wise I am all set! I know have all the needed dishes and I have been spoiled with a hand blender as well as a few other appliances. I have bowls and pans and so now I need to change my old mindset…. as I can cook again! I have gotten in the habit of I can’t cook so why bother and I think that habit has taught me to skip meals like mad – gotta stop doing that too. Another blessing is the opportunity to be able to actually spend time with my cats. My ex is in a bit of a hurry for me to get on my way and so he has been very helpful in giving of his time, energy - and today his blood- to get my stray friends boxed and to the vet for neutering and then pills and flea treatments. They are comfortably resting in the ‘extra’ bedroom in my apartment. (I feel a little ‘wealthy’ and wasteful to have a room for my cats… doesn’t that sound so ridiculous. : ) They will have a bit of storage in their room for a while and as they seem to like using the storage as forts that seems very doable. I don’t have any furniture with the exception of two chairs and a book case, but that seems like a good start. A part of me is starting to feel excited about my new opportunities.

One hardship that I am trying to figure out is the idea of living alone. I have realized as I have thought about it over the last few days that I really have never lived alone. I am not sure that I even really know how to do so. I will hear noises in the night and sit up, confused and frightened… listening and then finally able to go back to sleep. I find myself trying to fill the quiet and even a little bored as I look around wondering what I should do next. (I think putting myself on a schedule will be a bit important to stop that… I don’t think that’s a good habit to start.) I can have horrible dreams- many of which I can’t really fathom how to interpret so I find them not only terrifying but confusing and perplexing as well. So I no longer have any one to disturb if I can’t sleep or I am struggling, but that seems to make the struggle seem more difficult as it becomes even more obvious that I am all alone. I have the freedom to do whatever I want and so, in theory, that should be a benefit. But I guess I haven’t really ever learned to be alone and so I feel it keenly sometimes and I find it very difficult to not just lay down and cry. I find myself starting at the fridge and feeling relief and a little joy that I have food and a fridge and then think… but why bother… no one to eat with. How ridiculous is that? I think in some ways I have become a fresh adult ready and moved out from the parent’s home… I need to learn all the things that I never learned and I need to develop the wish/need to care for myself again. Scheduling, coping, all that stuff.

But I have made a good step forward. I have a safe place to stay and even though I am not sure I want to plants any real ‘roots,’ I can rest and try to figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life. I feel a little like my apartment- mostly empty but with good things and ready to accept them. Bug also enjoyed his visit today and I was able to really enjoy his company and we were both comfortable…. a wonderful experience. So I will see what I can do… and what other steps I can make…. : )

2012/04/28

My Daily Paradoxes

I am really struggling to find a way to say what is in my head and have been for two weeks... so I apologize if I sound confusing or silly. I feel like everything in my life is such a paradox – and I can not pretend that I understand it. I am wondering it maybe trying to write it down will help me understand any of it. I guess I don't know how much of the paradoxes in my life are really there or are really just my perception.... how I see things.

Some are easy to see and in some ways understand. The gospel for instance... very little of the gospel isn't a paradox. We gain life by the Savior's death and through our own. We get when we give. Suffering brings strength and joy, etc.... Those are paradoxes that I have understood for so long... or at least thought that I did... so I do not find them confusing. But I am am surrounded by some really confusing things right now.

I have so much to be grateful for. I am so blessed.... so why do I sometimes feel so keenly what I do not have? Why do look at my blessings and feel so much gratitude for so much and yet sorrow for my loses? Here are some other questions that I am dealing with....

Why do I feel so weak and so unable.... when others tell me that I am so strong? That they wish they had my strength....

Why can I feel so happy and so sad at the same time?

Why does my husband treat me so much better and is so happy to see me... when we will be divorced soon?

There was a time when I would have given anything to have good friends at church and to know that someone really cared. But I never felt really lonely. Now I feel alone even with friends. I want so much to be cared for and noticed... but I cringe at the idea that anyone might notice me... How crazy is that?

I should have more time than I did even a year ago... yet I feel like instead I have even more work and instead of revolving my life around an intact family... I need to revolve my life around the family that has left me but still do all of my new responsibilities. Instead of more freedom, I have less.


These are questions that I am really struggling with right now. I can't find easy answers or ways to understand the paradoxes they create in any way that makes sense. I feel like I almost travel in the world with a continuous mask on as I try to pretend I'm making it and I'm not tired and I don't need help and I'm not sad. And I hate depending on people for some of the things that I have agreed to so that I can keep myself going. I think that's just pride in the sense that I want to be the giver and not the one who needs right now. I don't know... my head doesn't feel much clearer. :)

Well, maybe I should end by mentioning a few things I am sure of. I am sure that Heavenly Father is not only away of my circumstances, but he is dipping his hand into the angry waters of my trials to help keep my head above the waves of my trials. He has provided me with a few people who I can trust and who depend on me and who I feel care about me in ways that I can't totally understand but I am so grateful for. I am so grateful for my new job. Quite a few people seem really happy to work with me and seem disappointed when I change positions and no longer work side by side with them... that feels wonderful! I am grateful for the family members who talked to me and encouraged me to start a blog. Sometimes when I see so many things going wrong and I feel like a failure, I can find it easy to decide that I can't do anything right. But even though I think a blog is supposed to be mostly personal and mine clearly isn't- almost everything I have ever written about have been on something other than myself- there is no doubt in my mind from the blog statistics and comments that I might be darn successful at that! I know that I have a talent with animals that many others do not have and I can not adequately explain the feelings of joy and satisfaction to see a feral, frightened and stunted animal slowly change to become wary... then slightly willing and then totally loving and joyful. (One of my greatest blessings is the past feral puss that I have named Morianna... she has been with me less but gives me as much love and joy as I can handle.) Even the ability to see near one without moving and watch one of the cats just observe me-you can almost sense the disbelief and confusion about me and what I might want... its a great feeling. I am sure that I am loved. And lastly, I am sure that someday I will understand so much more than I do right now. I just need to keep putting one foot in front of the other and doing what's right. So... I'll keep going I think. :)

2012/02/05

2012 Poetry Corner #2 : Freedom

There is a peace in being free
A stillness I have never known
The opportunity to be
Still, silent, aware





There is confusion in being free
So much I do know know
This isn't where I thought I'd be
Old, tired, alone







There is a grief in being free
My soul feels battered and bruised
But loss brings opportunity
Slow, sure, divine





There is a relief in being free
I can chose my own way
What I do is up to me
Whims, promptings, choice





There is stability in being free
For my schedule is almost my own
What the future holds, I cannot see
Change, clarity, being



So soon I will be free
And I will own what's left
May I move on and clearly see
Joy, possibility, love