Review/ Critique of “The 7 Habits of Highly Affective Teachers"

This is a review of an article I wrote in my last semester of school. A link to the original article can be found here. I have no idea if it is relevant to any of my readers but here it is for your reading pleasure. :)

An important part of any teacher’s continued relevance in their profession of choice is ongoing professional education and knowledge development. The profession of teaching and its function in the lives of families and communities cannot be understated. Therefore, teachers find themselves regularly called upon to suggest and facilitate changes in focus, curricula, and teaching practices. On top of these changes, teachers are also called upon to create lively, ethical, and effective learning environments as well as deal with discipline and different learning styles while supporting the wellbeing of themselves and their students under their supervision. The amount of responsibility given to teachers can be overwhelming and being an effective teacher requires a great deal of physical and mental strength as well as an ability to think quickly and to remain calm and collected in highly stressful situations. It should come as no surprise that this is a tall order to require of any human being on a regular basis, yet society does expect all of these attributes of teachers.

In his article titled “The 7 Habits of Highly Affective Teachers", Rick Wormeli suggests that teachers have an additional responsibility both to their students and themselves; emotional health. Teachers who recognize that their emotional responses to their environment reflect their own biases and may create negative perceptions within themselves are more able to recognize when a situation arises in which their perceptions and attitude create problems. Teachers must also recognize that every student comes to class with their own set of biases and perceptions of the subject, teacher, classroom, etc. and that these biases and perceptions create emotional attitudes that both the student and the teacher need to recognize and respond to. Wormeli states that teachers who wish to be effective in their job must work to be the most affective in their classroom by recognizing their own challenges and understanding each student well enough to evaluate each student’s emotional health. This is a challenging concept which requires that a teacher be introspective and be able to teach that same concept to their students as well. It also requires a teacher to understand enough about each student’s emotional health to recognize when the typical teacher response to a student needs to be modified to promote a constructive, positive learning environment for all. These responses may include changing the ways that lessons are delivered to help students feel more secure in the classroom, responding with kindness when punitive measures would typically be used, giving students the benefit of the doubt, and creating open discussions with students to determine motivations for specific behavior.

Wormeli states that there are seven habits that teachers who want to be highly affective will work to develop. They are: finding joy in others’ success, cultivating perspective and re-framing, ditching the easy caricature, exploring the ethics of teaching, embracing humility, valuing intellect, and maintaining passion and playfulness. In detail, the author describes what each of these habits entail, how to work to develop them, and why they are so important. He ends his article with the statement; “Let us compose virtuous affective habits that will ensure the success of the next generation.” He also suggests that, if we follow his guidelines, we can ensure our own success and emotional wellness - a wonderful outcome indeed.

This article has several strengths that recommend it to potential readers. The author lays out his case for his suggestions very well by mentioning problems many of us face in our work and personal lives, agreed that those problems are negative and need to be changed, and then lays out his suggestions for readers to work to change themselves to help minimize potential stress and difficulties ahead. The author makes clear to readers that emotional health is an integral part of all human beings and asks readers to be introspective about their own biases, feelings, and behaviors and then recognize the emotional needs in others. He suggests that, as each of us work to obtain positive emotional health, we in turn can recognize needs in our students and then respond appropriately to those needs. He acknowledges that sometimes the response will be unusual and having a solid grounding in positive emotional health will set teachers up to make more customized responses to fit the situation and the student’s needs, not necessarily the rule book. When reading the article, the reader is motivated to develop the ‘habits’ for better emotional health by listing problems that all of us face. By describing the negative consequences of poor emotional health in such a way that it creates empathy and understanding in the reader, all readers are motivated to make the changes described and to continue working on them long after the article has been put down and daily life has taken over.

One of the weaknesses of the article is its brevity. Each habit is only lightly described while the positive results of the habit are well described. Therefore, the author makes clear the desired results, but doesn’t give much guidance for how the reader can work to get to those desired results. Giving readers the desire and motivation to get the positive results, but not clearly outlining how to gain those results leaves readers motivated, but potentially frustrated as to what actions to perform to gain the results. While there are a few examples of things that can be done to work towards it, these examples may not be useful to the reader- not all readers will ever be hall monitors, be able to change the policy of percentage grades, etc. Therefore, only extremely motivated individuals who are able and willing to do more research into how to develop positive increases in emotional health will probably be successful. Due to this lack of guidance, the habits seem like a lofty, but unattainable, goal which I believe is the opposite of what the author intended by writing the article.

In the article, the author discusses good positive habits teachers should develop to help students have good emotional health. While the article does mention the need for good emotional health for the teacher, the larger focus is on how the teacher can help the student. I would be interested in knowing what criteria or scenarios teachers can use to determine where they are on the scale of positive emotional health and what they might be able to do to help themselves work towards a solid emotional foundation. I would also be interested in what resources a teacher would be able to use to help themselves or support them in helping their students that would be available to them at their school.

The article gives several examples of behavior that teachers can use to help students develop emotionally healthy habits. Some of these examples include: re-framing situations and perspectives, developing strong attachment to student success, exploring best practices for teacher and student success, and more. I would add that professional environments that make emotional health a priority for all who inhabit its community would create a safe and productive learning environment for all.

In InTASC Standard #9, a teacher is supposed to engage in ongoing professional learning, ethical practice, and a continuous commitment towards evaluating curricula, behavior, and how their choices affect those around them. A teacher who is consistently evaluating their behavior and responses to their co-workers and students with a view to helping build positive relationships and learning environments is a teacher who is able to empathize and use problem solving strategies to differentiate responses between different learners depending on their unique needs. Teachers who have strong ethical codes as well as a focus on their emotional health can become more effective people both in their personal and public life. I suggest that school administrators would do well to provide resources to help teachers develop strong emotional health habits thereby giving teachers the tools to teach and help students develop these same positive habits. As childhood is a time of growth, uncertainty, and emotional flux, this is a perfect time to help students learn healthy emotional habits to support them through their lives.

The Joy in a Moment

I feel pretty good, but so jittery today. My heart is like a slow hummingbird in my chest. I look up at the sky and see all the grey and black, thick and fluffy, awesome clouds crawling over the sky and horizon and as I watch the rain fall... I feel peace. The sky is amazing with full black and dark clouds crawling and pulling themselves forward across the sky filling the air with thick grey shapes and tendrils. They appear to move quickly across the sky and like cotton candy float down into the atmosphere as they move. Some might say that today is a cold gray or dark day, but all I can feel is joy. I stand in the rain feeling the drops touch my face and slip down my cheeks as I look upwards at the brilliant shapes and patterns in the sky above me... and I just feel joy. It's been a long time since I stood outside and didn't feel rushed and pushed to accomplish things. Almost always I struggle with rain and dislike the feeling of water on my skin. But today, everything came together for that amazing moment of time. I feel really blessed and thankful today.

Thoughts on Globalization, Education, and Interdisciplinarity

I think that globalization is affecting not only my education, but almost all aspects of the world that I live in. My grandparents spoke of a time where the world was ‘small’- people didn’t move very far away, family was close by, and most everyone works jobs that were common to the area or available where they were living in. They spoke of people moving around and the exodus of the nuclear family in regards to several generations living close by. The world described by them seemed quite compact and finite. I look at the world as I live in it and also see it as ‘small’, but not for the same aspects. A person can live in Salt Lake City and telecommute to complete their work in Tokyo, or can work at home with an internet connection that brings business and money directly to them in their home. In that perspective, I see the world as potentially small because communities and border no longer hold people into a few options for financial success. That said, I see the world as a vast global community with only a small percentage of people having the opportunities I mentioned above and for the majority the opportunities of financial success are stagnant no matter where they live. Globalization has affected my college as the faculty look to provide educations that will give their graduates an advantage in global market places- the positive effects of their efforts provide more options to students for future career paths… the negative is that higher education is still only truly available to a small percentage of the people in my communities (as well as the global population as a whole.) Globalization has created more options; different degrees, different career paths, pathways to success, etc… However, globalization both in education and life come with costs. The larger the picture, the easier it is to lose the value that is found in diversity, the desire to understand global problems, and the apathy to ignore the social justice and consequences inherent in globalization.

“...one aspect of my complex identity”

I liked this quote because it reminds me of how each of us prepares for our lives and actions every day. I am white and female… but I am also a mother, a student, an ex-wife, a Mormon, a lover, a friend, a mentor, a political activist, an animal welfare provider, a pharmacy technician, a BLS educator, and I could go on as I think most of us could. We all live within the labels that we create for ourselves or are thrust upon us. In some ways, life after university doesn’t feel that different to me than my current daily life. Only one of those labels will change- from student to graduate- and while I can obtain a different job and change or modify another label or two- everything else will stay the same. What I feel like my education has provided me that will continue to make a difference in my future after schooling is how I think and respond to information and behavior both around me and concerning me. I no longer take all information at face value and tend to analyze more. I think I recognize more often when engagement isn’t a great idea, how to respond to negative people and situations, and what to reasonably expect when I advocate for positions that are unpopular both in my community and culture. The ability to analyze, question, and look for better ways of understanding and empathy will serve me well in whatever economic or personal job choices I make.

The ability to understand the needs of interdisciplinary connections and underpinnings in discovering and understanding new forms of knowledge is pretty crucial. A fact held alone by itself is a bit like a toothpick- almost any other fact can make the first look suspect and sometimes can be used to disabuse it of its ‘fact’ status. Making decisions on the basis on one fact tends to cause significant problems in explanation and implementation creating outcomes that are rarely the ones anticipated. I would also argue that can a fact be a ‘fact’ if it cannot be proven on its own merits? Can it only be considered a fact if other knowledge helps sustain its truthful countenance? I would be interested in other’s ideas on that concept. True knowledge can be supported by facts surrounding it and about it- I tend to think of knowledge as the nucleus of the cell which can not live on its own, but needs the support of its ‘interdisciplinary team’ to survive and express itself as needed in its environment. Or put another way; we know what a nucleus does because of how it interacts with the other parts of the cell… and we know how the other parts of the cell work and express themselves due to their responses to the nucleus. A study of one must necessitate a study and recognition of all parts for a true, deep understanding.

What are your thoughts? How do you use interdisciplinary thinking in your life?

Analysis of the Article : “Neurodiversity: The Future of Special Education”

This post is an analysis of an education article titled “Neurodiversity: The Future of Special Education”. You can find a link to the original article here. The following is a thoughtful response that I wrote for a small audience and I thought I would share it here.

Special Education is a topic that is near and dear to my heart as I know several individuals and families that depend on its services to educate their children. While laws require that schools offer and fund these services to students, how they are offered and performed can vary greatly in schools; even schools in the same district can have widely varied programs available. Some schools may even choose to flout the laws requiring special education and parents are forced to start lawsuits to achieve any services as all. One thing that seems consistent in schools over the country is how special education and those students who need it are viewed: students with disabilities are seen as having problems and weaknesses and those who need special education are not as intelligent or as able as ‘normal’ students. These viewpoints with their emphasis on disability, dysfunction, and other negative connotations that go hand in hand with them can cause resignation and a negative outlook in students and families for their future prospects. Thomas Armstrong brings a fresh perspective on special education and how the perspectives and viewpoints of teachers and schools can and should change to facilitate better learning, the development of programs that support a ‘whole person’ growth, and to develop positive perspectives and momentum both in scholarship and individual growth.

In his article titled “Neurodiversity: The Future of Special Education”, Armstrong states that the ways special education programs are currently developed and understood by its practitioners needs to change in several key ways. He suggests that schools and educators recognize the neurodiversity of students as a positive trait to be honored and respected just as with other human diversity traits such as race, gender identity, religion, etc. While current programs for exceptional education tends to emphasize a student’s deficits and strengths, he believes that a new approach should be developed that emphasizes the students’ strengths (such as what currently happens for gifted or talented students.) Some formal assessments to help determine a students’ strengths are the VIA Character Strengths, Virtues, Dunn and Dunn Learning Style Assessments, and the Baron-Welsh Art Scale. Informal assessments that are currently available for educators to utilize for additional information on learning strengths is the Neurodiversity Strengths Checklist, “strength chats” as devised by Epstein (2008), and motivational interviewing. This emphasis on positive talents should then be used to build on the students’ strengths and minimize their weakest areas by utilizing workarounds to help students manage both academic and nonacademic challenges without allowing their disability to hinder them. According to Armstrong, this approach is very different than current special education services where students are taught how to live with their disability instead of working to overcome it.

Another key component of Armstrong’s suggested neurodiversity acceptance is that all students in classrooms need to be taught about the intrinsic worth of human variation and neurological diversity. By educating all students on how the human brain works, how environment shapes brain structure and function, and that all students have a capacity for learning, the expectations of everyone involved in the special education system would change. Some research studies suggest that when teachers expect positive outcomes from their students, academic results usually improve. Also, inclusion would be more effective as learning diversified students would be viewed more as assets in the classroom rather than a difficulty or burden. As a side benefit, if students are taught to respect and embrace neurodiversity, students who learn or act differently are more likely be accepted by their peer groups and less likely to be marginalized or bullied. If implemented, the author’s recommendations have a significant potential to change the way special education is understood and provided to students as well as positive implications for both individual and community development.

This article has several strengths. The author discussed traditional methods of special education and compares and contrasts these methods with his recommendations. He includes research that supports his conclusions and also addresses some of the challenges that would need to be overcome to implement them. He suggests assessments that are currently available to educators to help determine student strengths so that they can be used to facilitate a learner in knowledge attainment. He states that educators who start to utilize these methods will have positive feelings for the children they teach who have learning weaknesses and that these positive feelings will translate into strength manipulation to help students recognize and work to overcome the learning areas in which they are weak. Armstrong’s work can be used for students that have been shunted into special education to help create IEPs that truly look at the student as a whole person and not just a list of ‘things to check off.’

One weakness that the article has is the author’s use of polarity language. He uses language to discuss his thesis and special education in ways that is inherently divisive. His recommendations are littered with language that radiates positivity: growth mindset, nuance, creating, thrive, transformation, assets, etc. However, the language used to describe the current system is very different: deficit, disorder, dysfunction, negative connotations, insular, remediation, burdens, etc. I do not disagree necessarily with his word choices as they do allow him to discuss his research with readers and work to motivate educators into implementing his stated program. However, I worry that the language used may turn off some of the very people that are needed to implement the changes suggested. Another weakness is that the author doesn’t address funding needs to implement his changes. Armstrong acknowledges that both educators and parents may fear the process of funding special education for children if disabilities are viewed more positively- it is the use of terms such as disability and dysfunction that make that funding currently available. If his recommendations are put into normal usage, would the funding dry up? I think that it is quite understandable to worry about this aspect as, even with protections for funding that are required by law, these regulations are still held in contempt by some schools and school districts. Armstrong suggests a way to protect current funding under the system by continuing to use the traditional methods of determining disability and dysfunction that will open the door to special education services. Educators would then try to discard the ‘disability mindset’ after initial diagnosis and use the recommendations stated above to motivate and teach their students. However, Armstrong does not suggest how to get the funding to utilize his recommendations in the classroom. He recognizes the financial problems that are conceivable if special education funding becomes restricted, but he doesn’t offer any ideas as to how to use that funding for development of similar programing in schools. At one point in the article, Armstrong gives suggestions for educators to utilize his research; schools in specified districts working together to integrate his research, promoting school wide ‘fairs’ for students on neurodiversity, and hiring a neurodiversity coordinator to help monitor the changes put into place. Where is the funding for these extra services going to be found? Will it take away services that are already in place for students? Will funding for a coordination for a school district make funding dry up for special education teachers in different schools in the district? It is really hard to know and the author has not addressed that at all.

As stated above, I would really like to understand how this research can be funded and put into common usage. As a mother of a child with a few learning disorders, I see a potential benefit for using Armstrong’s research for changing the way that school deal with and teach individuals with disabilities. As neurotypical students also have many different ways of learning, it seems correct to believe that all students may need some help for success in the classroom. As such, it seems reasonable that educators who recognize the differences between a “disability paradigm” and a “diversity paradigm” would be able to quickly modify the ways that they provide services to their students. I would like to have a better understanding of how best to help ‘change perspectives’, both in educators and parents to see a more positive yet realistic outcome for their children. I would also like to know exactly how accessible the student strengths assessments are to educators and whether there are fees or other hurdles to ease of use. As the most clear cut assessment mentioned- the Neurodiversity Strengths checklist- was developed by the author, I would want to understand what financial benefits he might enjoy from this product. (This could also be seen as another weakness in the article as it might be more of a sales pitch depending on what benefits the author stands to gain.) Also, Armstrong mentioned some ways of modifying lessons to help students with learning differences achieve better results from their students. However, every modification he mentioned suggests to me that the students he is thinking of would have two specific traits; at least normal intelligence as defined by current special education assessments and their education would be provided by a decently funded educational system. I would be curious to see what modifications that he would recommended for individuals of less than normal intelligence scores (forms of mental retardation) or for individuals who attend schools with significant funding issues that can’t afford to purchase specialized software, virtual reality applications, etc. I could not tell if Armstrong had studied the ramifications of working with students who display significant physical, mental, or learning challenges when developing his views and conducting his research as this information was not mentioned. I would really like to know how his theories work and can be used across the whole spectrum of students and not just a majority.

I can see several ways that Armstrong’s research can be used in practical settings in schools. For schools districts and educators that are able to see their students from the perspective of student strengths over weakness, teaching and inclusion could become more specific for each student- even in larger classes. Currently, inclusion of special education students in mainstream classrooms can make teachers feel overwhelmed and they can view these students as a distraction or encumbrance to themselves and the others students. Any perspective that helps teachers to see the good in the children they teach and give them a desire to help all students perform at their best regardless of ability is an essential part of true classroom inclusion. As Armstrong mentioned in this article, when teachers view particular students negatively, other students may develop the same attitude towards those students. This can lead to bullying, ostracizing, and other negative consequences towards special education students which can create an unsafe school situation for all participants.

One way that this research can be applied is to provide a more specific emphasis in equality in the school environment. By helping students to learn with the strengths that they have, it should create an environment that doesn’t stratify as easily among financial and perceived intellectual lines. I suspect there will always be some form of social class functionality in a school- there will always be a student who is always last to be picked for team sports for example- but helping to minimize those aspects in classrooms by creating more equal opportunities for learning should be very helpful for helping students to prepare for their future. Teachers who are able to take the time to understand both the weaknesses and strengths of the children that they teach can take that knowledge into the mainstream classroom to create an inclusive learning environment that holds realistic and high standards for all student participants. These actions as performed by teachers conform to the recommended guidelines in the InTASC Model Core Teaching Standards; specifically, Standard #2 titled Learning Differences.

I also think that teachers that encourage students to utilize learning by tapping into their strengths are teachers that affected students will work harder to achieve for. At the beginning of this class, almost all learners mentioned a specific teacher that made a difference in their lives and all of those teachers had one thing in common. That commonality was that each student felt the teacher’s sincere desire and support for the student’s educational growth . When each of us feel cared for and developed a strong bond with that teacher, we worked harder and achieved more because our success was no longer just for us, but also to cement the relationship that had been previously created between teacher and pupil. Not all teachers feel inspired or have any desire to develop that kind of deep relationship with their students, but all anecdotal evidence provided in class suggests that teachers who create positive circles of communications and a unique relationship with each student do create significant knowledge growth and more positive outlooks for these students. I suspect that teachers who are willing and desire to create these tight bonds with students will also desire to provide the student what they need to succeed. If so, that extra time or service will not feel so strongly like a burden to be endured, but a challenge to overcome; a slight difference in viewpoint, but one ripe with better outcomes.

I found myself very interested in Amstrong’s research and I am happy that my library search brought it to light. I thought the article well written and provided many opportunities for thought and opportunities for more research. I can think of several ways that this information could be utilized in a classroom and I hope that these particular recommendations are incorporated into the traditional special education programs that are currently functioning in schools locally and across the country. I would be interested in seeing how these techniques work in the typical classroom and within the resources currently available to rural schools. I look forward to more research to suggest whether this program is optimal for most students.

Any thoughts on both the articles and it's topic? An experience that you wish to share? I'm eager to hear if anyone has first hand experiences with this program and it's implementation....

Light and Dark in Art

As part of my art class, I needed to define a few terms and create an image of the different positions of light and dark with the shading that occurs based on where the light is positioned. Here are some brief definitions or explainations along with the light and shade project.

The difference between the terms tint and shade is how they are used to change color. To change a color’s tint, an artist adds some white to the basic hue. To change a color’s shade, an artist adds black to the basic hue. The tint and shade change depending on how much white or black is added creating a huge variance in colors and their appearance.

The term chiaroscuro is used to describe the effects of light and dark when used to create images. It refers to how the artist balances both light and dark in their creation and how they use this idea to skillfully create the views and ideas that they want the audience to see and comprehend in their work. Using chiaroscuro helps an artist create mood, emotions… even reality and dimension. It can provoke desire and need or even grief, revulsion, or fear. It can be used to emphasize certain aspects in the artwork and hide other areas. Used by a skillful artist, it can create a breathtaking, compelling work of art that draws the audience into the emotions and reality it creates.

Modeling is the term used to describe the use of chiaroscuro to represent light falling against a curved surface. It is a term that describes the different ways light moves across a round object and how the light hits the object and changes the shadows and the way light makes the object look. The basic ways of modeling includes highlighting, the shadow and core shadow, reflected light and the cast shadow.

Tenebrism is a technique of lighting that makes use of large areas of dark and murky picture contrasted with smaller highly illuminated areas in the work. It is different from chiaroscuro in that the light in tenebrism is used to emphasize objects and create emotion in the work while the use of light in chiaroscuro is used to make the object emphasized more lifelike and natural. Each technique creates the reality and emotion of the art in different ways and help the audience create a different perspective to the work.

Hatching is a technique that uses closely spaced parallel lines in an area to create depth and shadow in an image. The hatching creates dimension in a flat image bring a sense of dimension and reality to the image. Cross hatching is a technique where one set of hatches is crossed at an angle to create darker and ‘deeper’ images and shadow.

“Out of My Comfort Zone”: Understanding the Impact of a Service-Learning Experience in Rural El Salvador: An Analysis

While the school age population has been becoming more diverse over time as minority students increase in numbers, the average teacher in the United States continues to be white, middle class and female. This disparity between the lives, cultures, experiences and even financial security of over 30% of the student population and their educators suggests a potentially deep divide between the two groups that can be very hard to recognize, understand and then overcome. There are many ideas about how to bridge this gap, to help create empathy and more understanding between educators and their students and to educate the educators themselves more fully in the areas of diversity. One way that has been attempted to achieve this ideal are short service-learning experiences in areas of direct need that cover many of the cultural, financial and challenging experiences of some of the students who are moving to America and entering our school systems. This paper describes a qualitative case study of a two week service immersion in a rural mountain village in El Salvador called La Secoya. This short term study was produced by Paula J. Beckman and Lea Ann Christenson and was populated with fifteen female students who were all in either pre-education or pre-med degree programs.

Funnily enough, as these two authors work to find ways to bring down barriers, they find themselves in the majority of educators as middle-class or higher white females. Paula J. Beckman is a Professor of Early Childhood: Special Education Program Counseling and counts among her research interests early support for Latino families, community development, the impact of poverty on development, and inclusion for exceptional children. She earned her Ph.D. in Special Education and has written over eighty articles, edited two books and been involved in international research and training projects both in Europe and Central America. Lee Ann Christenson is an Assistant Professor at Towson University with a Ph.D. in Curriculum and Instruction and focuses on early literary acquisition, ‘Study Abroad’ and English as a Second Language instruction. She also has several publications and presentations on these subjects under her belt. There present paper is intended to help express possible mental and behavioral changes that can happen when people are immersed in a culture for even short periods of time. Both authors fully admit that due to their small sample size and lack of other studies, this study is a suggestion and shows short term change pretty clearly in the participants.

This article covered its primary objectives very well. It covered how the two week immersion changed the perspective of the participants from their point of view, using quotes when necessary to help back up the premise that all student participants felt that the experience overall was a positive one for them and their perceptions of people they did not know even though in the case of half of the students, they didn’t understand the actual language being spoken by the villagers. How this experience affected them personally as well as their professional choices was also addressed, asking the students how they had changed or what decisions they were going to change or had changed after the event based on their experiences in El Salvador. Lastly, the authors tried to address how each student’s perspectives on global awareness, immigration, war and privilege were impacted or changed based on this single experience. My major disappointment was that the sample size was so small (and gendered as well) so that, while this was a fascinating article and I am very excited by its conclusions, my excitement is tempered knowing that there isn’t enough evidence to conclude that all student populations would have the same understanding or empathy after the study was complete. I would love for more research to be completed on this topic.

I think this information might be very valuable to a general education teacher. It is important for each of us to recognize and understand what we don’t have experience in. Being able to recognize that a child fluent in Spanish but not English should not be listed as nonverbal, to recognize and truly attempt to understand the varied experiences of those from other cultures or immigrants, to focus on what is needed for the child by understanding his full experience and not just using assumptions from your own perspective and stereotypes- what an amazing gift for a teacher! This information could help a general educator use their limited resources wisely and more appropriately to the situation and not to waste time and energy focusing on things that are not needed. This paper suggests that even short periods of time immersing yourself in the culture of your students can make a large difference in the way that an educator sees and potentially responds to some of their most challenged students. I would highly recommend this article to a teacher for that reason alone.

Here is a link to the article: link

Reaction and Thoughts on "Girlhood: Growing Up On The Inside"

This post is on an unique documentary that followed the lives two young women who became incarcerated in their teenage years... and how each of them changed and 'grew' through that process. Both individuals had open ended sentences which meant they would be released based on their behavior and family circumstances. The young women were named Shanae Owens and Megan Jensen.





Shanae was incarcerated because she got into a fight with another girl and the other individual died. She has some amazing family who really care about her and just want to really help her improve, to love herself and to have the best life that she can. I can feel their support in every moment with them and its obvious that she feels their love and support too. Even though she has done something really bad, she feels secure in their love and caring for her. Her family also really openly talks about their flaws and problems- her father admits to a shady past and her mother states, “I've been there.” One of the questions that her social workers and probation officers look at is whether the family is growing as well, and I see so much of that in these clips. Even at such a young age, Shanae is learning about critical thinking and in counseling sessions makes comments such as “That might be effective for her.” I listened to that comment and compared it with some of the individuals around her and thought of her as an older woman inhabiting a young body with a brain wise and thoughtful beyond her years. She has had circumstances that in many ways I can not fathom; raped by several men at age eleven, becoming pregnant at age eleven (not sure if they were from the same circumstance, but I suspect they might be), getting into a fight and not even remembering what happened during it, etc... When she is moved to a group home, she reminds herself, “I started at the bottom there, I can do it here”. She reminds herself of her flaws but also focuses on her blessings “They never gave up on me, my parents, my family, nobody...” She finds her strength in her family and their love for her, so much so that she is able to continue to draw from that strength even when her mother passes away. She seems to see how to grow even within tight limitations and how to use the limitations in many ways to her own advantage.

Megan is an interesting young lady. I am not sure what she was incarcerated for as if it was mentioned I missed it... she doesn't seem to talk about it at all. She states that she is in trouble ever day at her facility and that she doesn't care. I watch her and realize that she almost never looks at the person she is talking to or the camera... almost like she doesn't notice that they are there. Megan states several times that she 'doesn't care', but that isn't what I feel as I watch her. It feels like she cares so much her heart would bleed with the showing of it, she looks away to hide herself, her bravado and anger are her masks. I sense her fear of relationships and hurt, but I also feel her strength and resilience... her desire to be better and to have better is just as apparent as her defense mechanisms.

“You're going to end up just like your mother and unconsciously I have been doing that”

“I regret so much... I feel like an old woman trapped in a young girl's body”

“I'm never going to change anything in my life cause this was what's supposed to happen”

I see parallels between her and her mother and the ways that they think as well as differences in their views. Both of them seem to state at different times that they have nowhere to go and you can see how this view of their lives and positions can shape a negative vision of their lives and possible choices going forward. Her mother states that they need to go to counseling together and Megan refuses- a struggle that I can see in two lights. Counseling would be helpful for Megan for her own problems and learning to deal positively with her anger, but at least at this point I am not sure that family counseling would be beneficial for her. Her mother complains that Megan states that her mother was never there for her – is a 'stranger' to her in fact – and then state that she had custody of Megan until Megan was seven. You see her mother try to count out how many years she had with Megan and the use of words like custody, she had her grandmother, etc... suggests that Megan may have a valid viewpoint... her mother wasn't there even when she wasn't in jail. I watch Megan tell social workers and probation officers that she will not avoid undesirables because her mother would be considered an undesirable and as time goes by to cut her mother out of her life, recognizing the danger and stress that it causes her in her life. Megan has more options than her mother... mainly because she sees that she has more choices than her mother. In so many ways, their viewpoints are similar but Megan's are beginning to evolve as she heads out on own and starts to try and live on her own and with friends. She doesn't have the strong support of much family at all... you do not see her grandmother much at all and only hear about things she might do, etc... (In her grandmother's defense, it sounds like she is overwhelmed trying to deal with all the problems she faces between herself, her daughter, and all her grandchildren.)

“I ain't nothing like my mother”

I see a very tough life for Megan ahead of her. She tends to fight her limitations and looks at adversity in a short term way, not recognizing how her behavior and thoughts can affect her long term choices and limitations. I want to reach out and help her and also back up because her anger scares me a bit... no matter how justified it might be.

Something that interested me and I am still thinking about is that Shanae's family seems more close knit and show their love for each other better. While Shanae seems to have committed a harder crime and therefore, has more to overcome along with the lack of privilege that she has due to race, gender, etc... she is the individual that I have the most hope for after watching this film. Both of these individuals were living their lives beginning to relieve the cycles of their parents that were potentially destructive to themselves and others. Andre Lorde states, “There is no such thing as a single issue struggle, because we do not live simple issue lives.” Both of these individuals show us a good example of how trying to separate people into single categories isn't helpful for the individuals being classified nor really informative to those doing the classifying. It seems like the only consequences of trying to see people in these limited vision are negative... for everyone involved. Megan's mother makes a very excellent observation- “It doesn't matter what you did, it matters what you do” After the death of her mother, Megan mentions that she has so much to forget and she could get drunk or smoke to 'try and forget' but that wouldn't really be helpful in a positive way for her- a very mature observation for some her age and with her grief. I see Megan as getting some advantages that she didn't really work for... that Shanae only got through hard work and in some ways, I think that Shanae will do better for it and that some of Megan's privilege is helping to hold her back from what changes she really needs to make in her life.

I wonder how the director chose these two girls, how she found them and what about each of them drew her to them to help her express her ideas and thoughts. I wonder how these young women changed the ways that Liz Garbus viewed them and their individual situations and how all the individuals involved in this project may have modified their viewpoints on these women and incarcerated young people in general based on the work they performed for this film. I am grateful to see this small vision of what could have been my past and what so many struggle with. Thank you.


One how that came up in some reading near the end was "Orange is the New Black." I have never watched or had any interest in watching this show, however, the statistics in the readings were powerful, sad and horrifying. The fact that jails are now are largest mental health providers in our country isn't totally new to me, but adding women to that equation is. Recognizing that their families and children are affected by the states' choice to incarcerate these women instead of providing mental health services and giving them the ability to be at home seems to suggest that what society's goals really are is to provide people for private incarceration for profit, instead of helping people be productive members of their communities. The documentary asks a good question... “Is incarcerating these women worth it?” I suggest it is not.

photos from: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0368745/, https://woyingi.wordpress.com/2010/05/29/documentary-review-girlhood-by-liz-garbus/

A Nativity Metaphor

One of the things that I love about Christmas time is the varied opportunities to set up nativity scenes with my Bug. He has loved them since he was less than a year old and with fascination would reach towards the animals until one was handed to him. At this point in my life I have three incomplete sets of nativity pieces that with much laughter and smiles are carefully set up next to each other. Every year, the different pieces end up moving around the room as Joseph may be dragged off by a cat or Bug's service dog may casually pick one up when we are not looking and chew it to bits... or they even move when we use the pieces to recreate stories. These stories can be the birth of Christ as told in the Gospel of Luke or can become as varied as the barn scene in "The Last Battle" by C.S. Lewis. Sometimes, we just play farm and feed and tend to the animals that come with these nativity sets- always cows and sheep, but sometimes donkeys, horses, and even camels. Over the years I have worked pretty hard to make sure that my son understands that the nativity story with the animals is a tradition and is fun, but is very much not what the scriptures describe the events of the birth of Christ to be. The nativity tradition, while beautiful and fun, is not scriptural and in some ways seems to take away from the importance and the struggle of the event itself that we Christians celebrate - the birth of our Savior.

This year after Thanksgiving, I happily brought out the nativity sets for setting up. As usual, Bug and I sat down and placed them in the places we wanted. We added real hay and shavings to one of the stables and it always feels wonderful to sit back and look at the different groups. The sets are quite easy to tell apart as one is a Fisher Price plastic set, a hand carved wood set and a paper mache set that was hand painted for me by the young women of my branch a few years ago. I noticed this year that as the pieces began to be moved and scattered around the house, my son clearly had a very different image in his mind as he put them back and by the time that Christmas Day arrived, I had a very different nativity scene to view. So at a terribly early hour of the morning, while everyone else opened presents, I found my eyes and my thoughts drawn back towards the nativity scene in front of me. What I saw was three small smiling babies in the center of a large group which was then surrounded by animals and then the people. In some ways it looked a bit like how I feel about the sun.... the edges are easily seen but looking at the center is too bright, too hard.... too much. After the required present opening and fun, I chatted with Bug about the nativity and some of the same things that I saw as I looked down were emotions and ideas that he had been trying in a small way to suggest. Here are our thoughts:

1. How people picture the Savior can vary greatly on their perspective. His race, skin color, culture, facial expressions, etc... are things that are developed created by each of us and our religious culture. While every single person may see the Savior, his life, and his commandments differently, for those who celebrate his birth and life, we tend to see him as the center of our heart- the nucleus of our living soul. This is where Jesus Christ should be - in our minds and hearts, our thoughts and hopes. In essence, he should be our center and our life should revolve around him and our relationship with him.

2. The animals were set around him as a protection. Animals are pure and live the lives that they have been set to lead on this earth. They are here to live, to teach us, to sometimes feed us and to help us to recognize the divine all around us. As such, most animals will likely recognize the Christ in the flesh before we human beings shall and as each creature recognizes its spiritual heart, they will surround him in joy and protect him from harm.

3. People are on the outside of the circle as we are frail, easily distracted and of skewed perspectives. When we look at pictures of Christ with his mother and images that celebrate his birth, for many the joy is in the rest of the image behind the holy child... the cow in the next stall, the sheep standing next to a shepherd, the donkey tied up nearby. When we perform the nativity story in plays, each of the actors in the nativity are likely to play their character to the hilt and in most traditional nativities, they are more animals than people. So the majority of the action comes from the animals as well as the majority of the space taken up. As I discovered to my cost last year, telling a friend that having animals in a Nativity scene isn't scriptural can seriously get you gossiped and talked about even when the comment was mentioned in a closed door, private meeting. I was really surprised at how offended someone could get over the idea that Christ wasn't surrounded from his first earthly breath with joyous, happy livestock crowding in toward the manger for a better look. As Bug told me, "We see what we want to see, animals see what is there."

I look back a week later on this experience and find myself pretty pleased and tearful. I am grateful for an amazing and thoughtful child who is kind and empathetic and good-hearted. I am grateful that even with some of his learning challenges, Bug is aware of how to live a good life and is able to understand many human frailties and stumbling blocks. He also seems to understand where the Savior should be in our lives... in our hearts, the focus.... the center of our being. This is a Christmas gift I will never forget and always be grateful for. Tomorrow, my son will be 14 years old. I look forward to celebrating his birthday with him and eating cake. I am thankful for the gifts he has given me... especially these thoughts. Love you Bug. :)

2014 Poetry Corner # 4 - "The Unexpected Change"

Relief, sweeping relief
the surprising news comes
My heart feels lighter, suspended
the fear is dissolving, the air more clear
Tears pour down with gratitude
Nothing has changed... just one small tweak
yet the whole world is righted
moving forward feels possible, even doable

Thank you, Father... thanks for hearing
the prayer I didn't dare dream … or whisper

My Recent Confusion on Forgetting... :)

I was listening to a testimony in church almost two weeks ago and one phrase from a speaker has been rolling around in my head off and on. I thought it was an interesting perspective on things that we don't like that have happened to us.

“Sometimes events happen because there are reasons for them... and so we should not forget them.”

In the most recent conference talk titled “Look Ahead and Believe” by Elder Edward Dube, he tells a story about a conversation with his mother when he was younger. He was pleased and proud of how much work he had accomplished with his mother that day and wanted her to stop working to look. Her response was “Edward, never look back. Look ahead at what we still have to do.” A beautiful talk to listen too and I liked the thoughts he expressed. When I was listening to this testimony, this story came back to me as an interesting juxtaposition to the phrase that had just been uttered... and yet the more I have thought about it I feel like the phrases, while appearing to be opposites actually compliment each other.

All of us have had experiences that we have struggled with and tried to come to terms with in our lives. The number of people with PSTD around the globe is expanding as just a small example of those who are dealing with extraordinary circumstances and trauma and the challenges that they face from it. If there is anyone on this earth would has lead a challenge and struggle free life... I would like to chat with them because I just I can't fathom that they actually exist. :) So when I have had challenges and confusion and struggled to move forward and deal with the trial at hand, much of the advice that people have given me (and I have been taught through lessons and experience over the years) has been to ponder, pray and recognize that these trials and sorrows are for our good and for personal growth. And so as you move ahead in life, you should always look forward to where you are going and not dwell on the past. From some lessons and from things people have told me, they seem to be able to forget these trials in their present and so it's almost as if they have never happened. I will admit that I do not think that at least right now I am built that way. I try to forget and I try to forget but the bigger the impact it had on me, the less successful I seem to be. So I find myself remembering really bad things and situations that caused pain and remorse... sometimes through my own actions and sometimes for reasons that I can't find a way to blame myself for- I'm pretty good at blaming myself actually.

So when I heard that phrase … to suggest that we should not forget, I was momentarily frozen while my brain tried to process what that really meant. It seemed so different from many things I've heard... Yet as he continued to keep speaking, I found that my brain was no longer there. It was dicing and processing and taking apart every bit of this phrase and the story by Elder Dube and the confusion the thoughts were created. Like a strong tangle to two wires, both true and unbreakable, but impossible to separate. And over time, I think I finally really got it. When I stopped trying to separate the tangles of wire and tried to understand I recognized that in different working both men said the same thing. Events that happen in our lives do happen for reasons- whether through consequences of our own free agency or even because of someone else... or even because we need the trial to teach us, to strengthen us, and to mold our spirit into a more malleable shape for the Lord to refine. And there are reasons that we should never forget them. These experiences have developed the individual that exists today. The biases, perspectives and thoughts of the person exist and have been shaped by these struggles and their existence- to pretend or forget why the person is the way they are is to forget who the individual is. But to stand backwards, looking back in pleasure at what all we have accomplished over time and not focus on what needs to happen in the future is also not correct. Because if we allow ourselves to become stuck in past pain and sorrow, we force ourselves into a very difficult trap. We can no longer try to grow and move forward and are simply stuck.... trapped in a vortex of pain and misery that will seem never ending and will be never ending unless we can find a way forward.

This is why the balance is needed. We need to remember, to understand ourselves and our past, to see how we have become who we are today. Yet we need to be able to let go of the pain and the blame -whether towards others or ourselves- to move forward towards the joy and exaltation that we seek. A challenging balancing act to be sure... For those of you reading, what techniques have you used in your life that have been successful in helping maintain this even path forward? What hasn't worked for you? If you feel stuck and trapped, what things might you be able to do to move forward and release yourself from the painful snare you are in?

2013 Poetry Corner # 1 : 'Anxiety'

Anxiety, anxiety.... my ever faithful chain
Always here around my heart
Can I still be sane?

Breathe in, breathe slow...
Slowly, thoughtful, timely
So that my soul can grow.

Fight it and sigh
For eventually you'll win
No need to ask why..

just continue to try.....

A Baby Step Forward

So… I have a new place to live! No more tents or cars or anything half baked. I have an actual apartment with a kitchen and *gasp* a bathroom too. : ) I am still moving in and will be for a few weeks, but I am slowly trying to figure out the new routine in my life. Some parts feel so strange and unreal. And I am very much on an emotional roller coaster. I suspect that will continue even as I finish moving the few belongings that I have left into the apartment.

There have been many blessings in this move. One is that I haven’t really had a way to cook really healthy food for a long time. Not having a set kitchen has made things pretty difficult. But I have a kitchen now and some friends have made sure that kitchen wise I am all set! I know have all the needed dishes and I have been spoiled with a hand blender as well as a few other appliances. I have bowls and pans and so now I need to change my old mindset…. as I can cook again! I have gotten in the habit of I can’t cook so why bother and I think that habit has taught me to skip meals like mad – gotta stop doing that too. Another blessing is the opportunity to be able to actually spend time with my cats. My ex is in a bit of a hurry for me to get on my way and so he has been very helpful in giving of his time, energy - and today his blood- to get my stray friends boxed and to the vet for neutering and then pills and flea treatments. They are comfortably resting in the ‘extra’ bedroom in my apartment. (I feel a little ‘wealthy’ and wasteful to have a room for my cats… doesn’t that sound so ridiculous. : ) They will have a bit of storage in their room for a while and as they seem to like using the storage as forts that seems very doable. I don’t have any furniture with the exception of two chairs and a book case, but that seems like a good start. A part of me is starting to feel excited about my new opportunities.

One hardship that I am trying to figure out is the idea of living alone. I have realized as I have thought about it over the last few days that I really have never lived alone. I am not sure that I even really know how to do so. I will hear noises in the night and sit up, confused and frightened… listening and then finally able to go back to sleep. I find myself trying to fill the quiet and even a little bored as I look around wondering what I should do next. (I think putting myself on a schedule will be a bit important to stop that… I don’t think that’s a good habit to start.) I can have horrible dreams- many of which I can’t really fathom how to interpret so I find them not only terrifying but confusing and perplexing as well. So I no longer have any one to disturb if I can’t sleep or I am struggling, but that seems to make the struggle seem more difficult as it becomes even more obvious that I am all alone. I have the freedom to do whatever I want and so, in theory, that should be a benefit. But I guess I haven’t really ever learned to be alone and so I feel it keenly sometimes and I find it very difficult to not just lay down and cry. I find myself starting at the fridge and feeling relief and a little joy that I have food and a fridge and then think… but why bother… no one to eat with. How ridiculous is that? I think in some ways I have become a fresh adult ready and moved out from the parent’s home… I need to learn all the things that I never learned and I need to develop the wish/need to care for myself again. Scheduling, coping, all that stuff.

But I have made a good step forward. I have a safe place to stay and even though I am not sure I want to plants any real ‘roots,’ I can rest and try to figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life. I feel a little like my apartment- mostly empty but with good things and ready to accept them. Bug also enjoyed his visit today and I was able to really enjoy his company and we were both comfortable…. a wonderful experience. So I will see what I can do… and what other steps I can make…. : )

Highlights from my Summer

Boy, this has been a crazy year... for me at least. But even with the yuckiness and the trials that have caused me much distraction and grief, I have had some brief moments of awe and joy. I thought I would share a few and it comes as no surprise to me that most of these moments contained animals or nature in them. So here they are:

1. I got to spend a bit of time weeding this summer for some extra money. The time out in the sun was wonderful and I got to really see a few fun things. I got to see a monarch butterfly,







The longest worm ever!





Small juvenile foxes running along the road looking for food....











Frogs with amazing voices- loud and clear!












Large spiders just hanging out in midair....











Huge amounts of ants and pupae moving along the ground....












Tiny toads in the grass.










Newts hiding in the grass and the wet












And the smallest slug I have ever seen in my life!













A few things were really memorable and remind me why I live in a rural area. I saw:

a hidden duck nest















huge blossoming plants of daisies... they are my favorite flower!











Seals near the shore where I was working. They would come several morning in a row and just play in the surf and the shallows. It was beautiful and I am sorry that I wasn't able to get a picture except for the disturbance in the water after the seal have reentered the water.












The pasture that I have been trying to grow is doing very well... almost too well as the plants grow so quickly and thick that I do not keep up and I end up with grasses and flowers as tall if not taller than me.











I had some of the priesthood over to cut wood late this summer and it was such a blessing. It was also amazing to see how much wood so many of them would carry at once. It makes me smile. :)













Bug had a great summer. Our blackberry bushes were abundant and he enjoyed filling large containers of berries.
















Bug also experimented with making donuts and I was the happy recipient of his labors. He happily fed me donuts until I didn't feel like I could eat any more. It was wonderful!









How was your summer? Do you have an experience that was wonderful and inspiring that you would like to share? What blessings did you have?

Introspection on my Past, Abilities, and Recent Thoughts: part 2

Here are the last paragraphs of the last posting....

My current view of life is a journey, but very open ended. I am not sure where I am headed nor do I know for sure where I want to go. All of my goals right now in many ways are short term. Get a good job…. finish school…. try to fix my home situation….. try to survive… stay healthy… - nothing for the most part that is entirely long term and cannot be changed. And all the goals are sort of vague as to what things I need to accomplish them I need to do. I am trying really hard right now to learn about myself and to try and understand how I am different and become a better communicator and person, but I do feel constrained and frankly I am split in some ways I see life as a great learning experience, but I see most learning as painful, difficult and I am not always sure that it is worth the struggle. I tend to also see most positive experiences as something that I cannot easily attain for many reasons whether it is my insecurity in my ability or my lack of physical assets, etc…

In my lifetime I have had a few leadership experiences. I have been a director of a play for grade school children, a mother, a medical supervisor for a drug abuse/crisis center for teens, and an advisor for a church youth program that due to circumstances gave me no authority but all the responsibility. As a director, I found that I didn’t understand the craft and I didn’t have a stable enough life at the time or the confidence to accomplish it and I gave the job to someone else. I have failed as a mother. As a medical supervisor, I found that the people I supervised didn’t like to do the extra work and nothing I said could convince them to do so- I ended up redoing and doing most of the work myself until I gave up and found a different job elsewhere. As an advisor, I did step up to do the work and sacrificed almost everything. After I had given everything I had for several months, I was ‘fired’ (which I didn’t know was possible from a church job), not given the basic decency that other members would have been given for my work and I have not accepted a job since. I really put all of my time, passion, much of my extra monetary resources and joy into that job and I felt beaten and slapped and unappreciated after my firing. I haven’t been willing to risk that again since. (And I can’t imagine why anyone would want to read any of this- what depressing piteous drivel.)

I think what I need most are some really positive experiences with people that I genuinely believe want to help me improve and have no other motives that that. I need experiences where I am gently pushed forward, encouraged and helped as I struggle. I need to find a way with being OK with who I am and wanting improvements for me and because they are good for me… and not for someone else. I think I also need to reach an understanding that I appear to be a leader… whether I want to be or not, so I should try to be the best. :)

I think what I need most are some really positive experiences with people that I genuinely believe want to help me improve and have no other motives that that. I need experiences where I am gently pushed forward, encouraged and helped as I struggle. I need to find a way with being OK with who I am and wanting improvements for me and because they are good for me… and not for someone else. I think I also need to reach an understanding that I appear to be a leader… whether I want to be or not, so I should try to be the best. :/

As for the idea of entering a new phase in my life, I am totally unsure that is actually true. I feel like I am in a holding pattern and attempting to find a life in this holding pattern and struggling to find the right ideas and words to move in a positive direction from it. I am not sure if I am astute enough to recognize when I am in a new phase until the new phase is ‘over’ and I am in the reality that has continued…? I have no idea if that made any sense or not. I think that the term ‘new phase’ assumes that when change is happening a person is introspective enough to deal with it and to make decisions that are based on what could happen. When I have had change such as the ‘firing’ I mentioned above, I did nothing new but lick my wounds and not accept another job. I didn’t see it as an opportunity that I do see it could have been now. So I think that figuring out you are in a ‘new phase’ may be easier for some people than others or maybe my reaction to all new phases in my life is to curl up, close ranks, and try to deal with my emotional aftermath from it. So if I look at this time in my life as a potential new phase simply because I am still alive and still here ready to work, I think some of the goals I would make wouldn’t change from the ones that I am currently attempting to complete. I would try to survive and learn more about myself, try to stay healthy and work on my family, try to develop better skills and finish my degree. I think that is a pretty tall order already. :)

There are several adjustments that I think I might need to make. However, none of the adjustments seem easily feasible or even possible for me in my current situation. I need to learn how to change thinking patterns and I think doing that on my own is not only slow but I have no way to truly understand if I am doing it or to measure progress. Sometimes I am not even sure where to start- after all you can’t start on everything that is wrong all at once. And, in all honesty I am quite a biased party. How can I figure out what is most important if I have difficulty looking at me separately from being me? I need to find a way to feel more confident and improve my self-esteem- how do you break through the patterns of thirty-six years if cannot really understand what is a pattern… what patterns are good and acceptable, what patterns are not… and in what areas I turn positive experiences into negative ones? Where does the pattern start positively and since I can’t see it or understand it… I change it? Have I even now seen any real part of any patterns or am I like the electron that sifts so far away from the nucleus that the patterns I see have no relationship to the whole…? I have no idea how to even define adjustments at all and that is fairly scary as well. Even in area where I feel like I have made great inroads to success like financial stability, I feel easily dismissed and I easily decide that I haven’t accomplished anything worthwhile at all. It takes a few days to remind myself that what I think counts, and working towards something that is important to me matters whether others believe it or not. (And a few days I think is pretty good even though I think that I have to remind myself for weeks or the positive traction is gone.) I need to continue to focus on the positive and I need to continue to work on showing caring and forgiveness to myself. I need to maybe adjust my defense mechanisms to allow other people in… although I have no idea how to begin that process on any kind of large scale.

Some ways I can try and change these experiences to something positive...? I can take my past experiences and try to re-frame them. Instead of allowing myself to remember them with the negative emotions and the ‘selfishness’ of my own view and what I felt at the time, I can try and stand back and look at how the other parties not only reacted but what might have caused their reactions. What were they thinking? How to they respond to life in general? I can certainly see that in some ways I am very much my mother’s daughter…. I am more likely to back off than attack and I am more likely to stay away than fight and lash, but I still feel all of those things. While I may not have a mental health disorder that causes me to react and ruminate and lash out at others the way my mother does, in many ways I still think the ways that she does so I simple have different reactions… maybe? Maybe I think I do and I don’t…? Maybe I just want to think I am different and I am simply a carbon copy of the original but I don’t have the excuse of mental illness to justify my behavior. Maybe I am just so hard on myself I am unable to take my experiences and change them to anything positive because I am not sure what really constitutes positive. I know I don’t think I can do this on my own and in many ways I am married with children, pets and friends… and I am still alone. Except for possibly trying to reframe them and try to look at them more positively, I am not sure how I can learn from any of my past. I feel like I need to find a way to simply shed it and the baggage if gives me like a skin from a lizard or I can’t overcome it. I am also aware that isn't really possible... so I will try to keep thinking I guess.

Instrospection on my Past, Abilities, and Recent Thoughts: part 1

This post is a bit of a hodgepodge and will be in broken into two parts due to length. It has thoughts and introspection on myself, my past experiences, influences, and how I think I have seen the world for many years and that I am trying to change. In some ways this is a very esoteric post and asks more questions than it truly answers about me and what I think. I am not even really sure what I learned about myself through this exercise except a little more self- loathing and a determination to keep trying to affect change in my life because I do want something better and I don't want to hurt as much as I do and I do want to trust and have people in my life. So here are some thoughts... and God help the thinker.!

I have mentioned before that I do not feel like I have had good leadership experiences. This of course leaves a fairly empty field to draw positive experiences from when looking at my past. If I look at the parts of different experiences that I feel good about I find that I have a few more options to look at. If I look at passion, I really like to give of my time and possessions in service to other people. I think that I have a hard time with boundaries so that I sometimes do not know when I should stop giving, how to say no, and to also curb my impulsive nature to just give even when I don’t have it to give. (I think I am in some ways trying to buy the attentions and goodwill and friendship of other people. I am not really sure how successful that has been in my life.) I feel passionate about helping people improve, in trying to understand people and their behavior and motivations and I feel passionate about being successful and helping others find that success too. However, I am not sure I have the skills or understanding to be helpful in many areas and I am not sure that I have had a lot of positive inspiration that has actually caused change in my life. I am not trying to avoid the idea I don’t think. I just have really struggled to find positive change from inspiration from my life in my thoughts and memories and I can’t seem to find any yet. I don’t know if that is my memory, my perspective, or my current trials that tend to block out a lot right now.

When I look at the early patterns of my life story and the people in it, it seems fairly clear that a large part of my childhood was quite negative or my early experiences were such that as time went on, my learned biases and perception of the people and actions around me became negative because my early experiences were. The entire early story that I remember is struggle, fear, the feeling of needs not being met – and I think it is fair to say no self-esteem or confidence in myself. (Certainly over the last year I have come to describe it as self-loathing and failure.) The patterns seem to show a want or a need, a lack of fulfillment for many reasons, frustration and hurt which then manifest as anger and a form of push back whether through action or withdrawal. I have also noticed a strange trust pattern- I will not share with people I do not trust, I trust very easily, if trust is broken the relationship is broken and I walk away from it. That doesn’t make a great deal of sense to me. If I am going to look at people from my early life, I would say that my interactions with my parents were not positive and so they were not positive influences to me and my choices. Ashley Kendrick was my first real friend, and the loss of her due to moving away when I was twelve is a loss that I still feel. She feels like the only positive force in my life in the earlier years. While my siblings helped form memories and action through experience, most of those interactions were negative as well. My mother (whether intentionally or not) would ‘pit’ us against each other and so no positive strong relationship could possibly have been built- at least not by me. I also think that one of the most positive (and negative) things that did happen to me as a child until about the age of fourteen to sixteen was a very strong fantasy life. I think that my creativity and my ‘alter ego’ so to speak helped me to struggle through and sometimes laugh in a life that at sometimes I couldn’t imagine living for or in much longer. In many ways, when I was eighteen I tried to live a life reborn, but found it difficult with the baggage I have carried with me for so many years… and still carry so much of.

I have been dissatisfied with myself in a leadership role in every instance I can think of in my life. Thinking of constructive criticism and experiences with it are nearly impossible for me and I realize that is because all criticism to me is personal. I am not sure there is a way- at least not until recently- to give me criticism in a way that I could truly comprehend it and understand it as a critique on action or thought… and not me as a person. I am not at all convinced that is entirely my fault, but I am unwilling to relinquish responsibility for my biases and prejudices and blame my lack of understanding on anyone else. I also wonder if people were able to feel the anger and hurt underneath and didn’t feel that they had a way to give me constructive feedback. I can remember sometime when I did received feedback (not in a leadership role) and I think that my reaction to it was probably not typical. I remember once getting to go on a church trip without my parents and I was criticized on two things. Once I was told that I should buy as much food with my food card or I would be out by the end of the week. I clearly remember not listening and being a little sad at the end of the week and hungry, but feeling full for a few days and eating what I wanted felt so wonderful that I couldn’t see the criticism as valid… and in some ways I still don’t. That feeling of satisfaction for a few days was truly wonderful and I think of it sometimes when I volunteer at my local food pantry… I wonder if that is one reason I like to volunteer at the local food pantry…? Another time was actually on the same trip (clearly that was a big event in my life! :) and someone whose name is lost to me would correct me every time I ate a bit of food. I guess my teeth would touch my utensil and make a sound. So she would lay her hand on my arm and remind me every time I took a bite of food. My reaction was to not only find no enjoyment in the meal but to stop eating so that I wouldn’t be looked at and I still sometimes attempt to not eat in front of people because I am worried that I don’t look nice while eating and I have poor manners. I think I am still quite a loud eater when I think of it. So I am not sure that if I did get constructive criticism, I would recognize it and be able to recognize what my response to it should be.

I think I have felt that way (the victim) often in my life, but I haven’t called it that or thought of it in that way. I don’t like to feel like a victim; I want to be me and to feel happy and satisfied and successful. I think that sometimes I really don’t understand how not to sometimes. I have been told that I communicate differently than other people and I misunderstand things a lot so I feel very insecure stepping into a strong role. I worry that I will cause difficulty to others or even harm that I didn’t intend to make. I worry that my being me is a problem and maybe it would just be easier to stand back and do what I understand others to tell me to do. That seems so much safer. That way I can get along safely and not be a victim and can find some peace and can give of the talents I think that I have but not hurt other people.

When thinking about whether my earlier experiences constrain or hold me back, the answer is fairly simple. My earlier experiences do constrain me. I may look free and not like I am controlled, but in so many ways I am as confined as someone who has her hands and feet tied and locking in a dark room. If I allow myself to impulsively act, I tend to feel regret or feel that I am told that I am wrong. I do not feel a lot of trust, I am limited by my mind, my allergies and my fear, and so ever circumstance is one that can be used to show me why I am wrong, not a good person, and being part of a team and doing a good job as part of a team is a way to feel successful without a lot of attention on myself. Over the last year I have been trying to understand how to re-frame some of my experiences, but so many of them have so much emotion attached to them and my life feels sort of emotionally unstable right now that I am unsure how to even go about doing that any more.