I Don't Believe in Reincarnation, but....

I have found myself, eyebrows raised, several times over the last few weeks as I have observed Bear and his behavior around my home. In my past, I have only known one cat who was almost frightening in his intensity, his emotions and his behavior. Jeeves was in my life for over twenty years and is the cat that I miss the very most in my dreams and in odd moments in my life and thoughts. I got him with his brother, Achilles, when they were older kittens. Jeeves was a strong and almost arrogant cat... one filled with purpose and fiercely protective of his brother as well as me. He was an amazing hunter and active personality... not very restful at all. And he was very much bizarre in his desire to try anything- he would jump into the fridge and steal food, climb onto the counters and steal vegetables, and even drag his brother around cleaning him. As he grew older, he could read my emotions and would respond accordingly. He would allow strong cuddling when I was feeling sad and devastated, and would sit next to me and purr when I couldn't sleep to help lull me into the deep. He would nudge me awake when I was having bad dreams and would sit with me while I would force myself to calm and relax again. He also had a bizarre habit of knowing when I was watching something or reading a book that was bad for me and he would do what he could to end it- by sitting on the computer or in front of the screen, laying down on or biting the book, meowing and pressing himself in front of my eyes. Sometimes it would frustrate me, but always I felt his love. He loved life and me so much that he was unwilling to go...especially as my husband began to take everything. He would follow me everywhere and watch me, cuddling, talking, listening... like a loyal security angel. Old and with failing kidneys, he fought and found joy in every day and only allowed death to take him when he had no choice. I held him in my arms as he left and I have never had a companion like him, before or since... until now.

Bear is different in some physical characteristics. Both are black and white, but different- Jeeves with his mostly black medium haired tuxedo and Bear with a mostly white coat and a streak of black across his head, back, and tail with a few misc spots here and there. Jeeves was only slightly larger than an average cat while Bear is already huge and still hasn't finished growing into his feet yet. Both are male with a strength and confidence in themselves and the world. But the differences seem to end there... Bear has begun to steal vegetables and just this morning I caught him stealing some of my cabbage salad. He not only steals vegetables, but he also steals frosting, cake, chocolate chips, cereal and mild fruit. He comes and sits by my head at night and purrs me to sleep and wakes me when my body shudders with dreams. He sometimes forces me to rest by sitting on me and pushing me down into a prone position and as I pet and prod him I tend to smile and sleep... his weight solid and soothing. When I feel sad he has started to run over to me and appears to be trying to figure things out... he is definitely starting to understand the ways I feel and think. And as I have been putting in movies to watch for class that make me feel uncomfortable, Bear has become annoyingly active in his desire to sit on the computer and walk all over the keys until the screen goes blank. If I pick up a book on the same subjects, he sits on them too... pick up a comic book or science fiction... and he just purrs and leaves me alone. It's a bit overwhelming and beautiful and astonishing.

Two years apart between death and birth, but it feels like that noble one is back in my life. Others who have noticed have pointed out the strong parallels between the two cats including my ex-husband. I do not believe in reincarnation nor do I really believe that cats have nine lives... it couldn't be reincarnation anyway because of the long gap in time. But what it clearly seems to be is a small miracle just for me. A gift that many other people might not appreciate, but one that means the world to me. Heavenly Father knows my needs and my struggles and helps fulfill them. I have a reason to rush home now and feel genuine excitement to do so... I haven't felt that way since well, Rob and Bug. I watch Bear stir up the others into long periods of stampeding and I smile... I am looking forward to the next few years. :)

Orthostatic Highs

I have never understood why people would take drugs/ alcohol for a momentary high. There are so many natural ways to find a high. (I will admit that I do not know how similar the 'highs' are) Good exercise will create that high and give you other health benefits as well. The joys of service can give me a high that can last a few hours. Being able to help someone and seeing the joy in their face and posture or even the gratitude and relief is a marvelous experience. I won't pretend that I am getting enough good exercise and I am struggling with my volunteering lately, but a few times a week I have an experience which will give me a high for about a full minute. I am totally having orthostatic problems these days.

For those who are not sure what I am talking about, our bodies can experience sudden blood pressure changes based on movement- usually with the blood pressure falling several points. And this is the experience that I am really starting to discover. It's actually an amazing experience. The longest 'spell' that I have had happened to me this morning, although I will admit that these spells are happening several times a week. This morning, I woke up and stood up from my blankets and, within a moment, my head was spinning. I couldn't see anything but a vision of almost gray sparkly glitter as seen through a kaleidoscope and my knees buckled and I collapsed back onto the bed. Thought becomes extremely difficult and my hearing is impaired. I sensed the dismay of the cats and I felt Jeeves climb up onto my chest as Achilles begin to poke his nose in my face, but I couldn't actually see them or really hear them if they were making noise. I just end up lying there feeling an immense rush of almost peace and slight joy. One of the few thoughts that can seem to get through is a feeling of almost relief and that I wouldn't mind if the feeling stayed longer- although a minute is usually the maximum that it lasts. Today as I started to move my head and attempt to sit up I had a strange thought- “If this is dying, it really isn't so bad.” The thought was a little scary but also made me smile. I am learning so much in this life and I know that my life is in the Father's hands. I must try to care for my body and pray to know His will. I must also learn more trust, even in this period of my life where all trust is difficult. Trust towards the Father and what his plans are for me, trust in friends, and trust in myself.

There are so many that do so much and harm themselves in so many ways to find ways to numb their sorrow, to care for the mental health problems that they face. Some are running from past experiences and some know of no other life. The adversity that many experience in this life can be so much that I marvel that I experience so much less than they. I marvel that they struggle on and do their best... and know that my best wouldn't be as good as their actions on a daily basis. My heart problems are holding steady and these orthostatic problems serve to remind me of the blessings that I have and to help me to feel if only for a few moments the sensations of peace and relief. There are really much worse challenges in life. And a few moments of forced mindfulness... to just lay there and feel myself and my physical presence... I will admit, I do find these things to be a small blessing indeed.

Brain Junk....

I feel like my brain has the tendency to scatter very easily these days like a jar of beans dropped to the floor. I have so much in my head and trying top work around it can be difficult to say the least. I find myself in the present moment remembering things that must be done as well as trying to accomplish what I am actually doing as well as trying to keep my mind open for inspiration and revelation. It sometimes feels like figuring out the way to accomplish all three of these tasks is going to literally turn my brain to mush as I feel the chaos in head doesn't make much sense. My brain flits from one thought to another -many of which do not appear to have any relation to each other- as work on the present situation becomes more difficult. I find in all this chaos, my brain conjures up phrases from songs that either bring my some comfort or pain, inspiration or confusion. And parts of my dreams are constantly coming back to haunt my daylight. It is a strange place to be in... and almost reminds me of an Ann Rand novel- which God bless me always confused me as well.

So I wake up in the morning and feel the dream start to ebb into my subconscious (at least the conversations from the dreams start to and then the different 'beans' of thought start to fall...and if I am lucky they wait until after my prayer so it is possible finish a coherent prayer.

... Father, I'm not sure I can do today and I'm not sure I want to. Help!... I really need to catch up on my paper... 'I don't always sleep at night just waiting for the light to come and find me'...I wonder how Bug is doing? I wish I didn't feel so yucky and I felt like eating.... 'Don't be afraid, oh my love... I'll be watching you from above'....Oh, crud- nutrition class is due today and I haven't started it yet. And I forgot Bug's book- need to order that...... 'Don't be sad for me- everything is how it had to be.'...Stop it. You're shaking like a leaf. That's crazy. What are you so afraid of?... That's funny that she still has the same haircut. I wonder why.... 'Every new beginning comes from some other beginnings end' ...I made it. Thank God I wasn't sure I would. Why are you twisting that? They will think you are nervous. Stop it!... 'In the breath of a wind and sigh... there is no need to cry.'... Why am I so scared...it's just church.... 'Don't be afraid'... This is nice. I wonder what Brock is doing now... What does this mean?... 'You ask me for an answer and I'm so tired of up in the air up in the air'... I wish I didn't feel this guilt...and I'm not even sure what I am feeling the guilt for... 'Closing time- you don't have to go home but you can't stay here'... 'Counting up to twenty has been difficult for some, but as we learn to count to twenty, it should be easy to get to twenty one.'... Hey, I blogged about this song- it really is a nice song. I should think about looking at some more of her work... 'Sometimes I wish I had no pride; I'd go off and sell my soul'.... That's a neat scripture... maybe I should stop reading in order and just flip around for a few days. Amy picked a good one- hey, I have it marked... That's nice... 'I'm not crazy or anything'... I have so much to do when I get home... I wonder what I should do first. Peter I or nutrition?... 'Walking beside the guilty and the innocent, how will you raise your hand when they call your name'... Who should I make cards for? I don't like itchy ears... Do you want to look at these?... 'The church has need of helping hands and hearts that know and feel'... That letter was odd... I wonder what she was trying to achieve by sending it.... A few minutes and it should be done... Gosh, I am tired... 'Every second of the night I live another life' Why do I start crying over everything? It's so silly and not very attractive... The skirt is nice though... How can I laugh and cry at the same time- that is daft... 'Looking for special things inside of me'... Did I remember the stamps?... I wonder how Al is doing? Gosh it must be miserable to be sick for so long... Thank goodness I haven't been sick for a bit... I wish I didn't keep thinking that!.... 'Believe that the sun will rise tomorrow and that your saints and sinners bleed' How can I help? I wonder if she will be offended if I hug her... maybe I should just get some scissors and wack it off. That would be cheaper....
'When you smile be sure to smile wide and don't let them know that they have won'... I would love to goof with Achilles... do groomers groom cats? I should could use a nap.

And that is just a taster. If nothing else, my brain is full... and not with anything useful. And finding a way to control my worry is tough. I have started using a list to write down the things I remember that need doing and no longer do homework within one hour of bed. I try to read something simple and have gotten in the habit of falling asleep listening to Winnie the Pooh stories on my phone... which is helpful. I am looking for more techniques to try and calm the incessant chatter in my head... and hopefully I can calm this brain mess down to a dull roar soon. It would be nice to be able to think clearly again! :)

Small Blessings

Tonight, I almost lost a close and loving companion. While I have rarely taken it for granted that my pets are safe outside, they on the other hand sometimes seem to feel that they are invincible. Tonight, Achilles seemed to believe he was so and dusk came and he did not return and night came... and he did not return. My calls and the tapping of a fork on a cat food can brought no response. So I continued to put Bug to sleep and only after he had fallen asleep could I get up to look again. At 10:30, I walked outside to see a pair of eyes glowing from the woods near my door-maybe 100 feet. When I called out towards the eyes, a second set of glowing eyes answered me from under my car and ran towards my open arms. As I picked Achilles up to hold him close to me, I aimed my light at the eyes in the woods,which immediately vanished. I held Achilles close and felt the supreme softness of his fur and his happy purr and thanked my Father. With the trials that I am currently facing, it would have been a difficult blow to lose a friend. Thank you Father for my momentary respite tonight. Thank you so caring enough for me to protect my companion for this moment so that I can feel gratitude and delight and thankfulness for the small miracles that you perform in my life and the lives of others... even the miracles that we have no idea of. Thank you.