Snow Day

It's been a nice quiet day watching the snow and sleet come down. It's still beautiful outside... although I suspect I feel that way because I haven't been out in any of it. I've just watched from my windows. I've got to enjoy some sewing, some self care and lots of cat fun. Listening to purring cats makes the day wonderful. Lots to feel grateful for today. I hope all of my friends are warm and snug and cared for. Love to all.

Inspiration From A Wall

There is an amazing Cuban restaurant in Bangor that the ex introduced me too a little bit ago. They make great food and are really good about allergies so that people with allergies can eat there- it does help that most Cuban food doesn't use gluten or nuts. The best thing about the restaurant besides the food is their wall. You are encouraged to write on their wall with your thoughts or artistic pictures and I love waiting for my food and reading the submissions. Today two specific items drew my attention. I'm sure no one is shocked that one of the items I liked was a cat....

However, this one really hit me in the feels...

How many of us have felt ourselves 'grow' away from family or others? I suspect all of us... and what about family who have passed on? I saw this and thought of my grandparents and how they are no longer around to spend time with. I miss them so much right now... it feels a bit like a physical wound that will not heal and continues to fester over time. I think of old friends who I have loved and over time we have grown apart. For some, I haven't seen them since I moved to Maine. For others, they have walked away from the relationship due to circumstances in their own lives. As I read the words I found my heart filled with emotion and my eyes filled with tears. I wonder about the person who wrote these words on the wall and what was in their heart as they shared this small piece of their soul. Lots of thoughts today...

My Week

Its been a bit of a week. So much has happened that I feel differing quantities of happiness and sorrow and sometimes those emotions co-mingle and I just feel tired and ready to fall down and sleep. With so many things to think about, my brain is full so I thought I would empty some of my gratitude here.

I had to say goodbye to Flutterfly this week. The insulinoma had grown too strong for her increasingly frail body and as she started to struggle to a point where I didn't see any positives left, I sadly took her to be euthanized. This is happening more frequently as all of my ferrets but one are elderly and, in some ways, it can be argued that I am running a ferret nursing home. She was a good and kind ferret who gave me kisses everyday and was a pleasure to spend time with. She had her moments- all ferrets do- but I am so grateful to have had the opportunity to get to know her, to watch her play and sleep, and to just enjoy her company. She is very missed.

I am grateful for work and so thankful this week was pay week. I paid most of my bills and managed to pick up a few small CPR classes so that I am pretty much caught up on everything. I got to go hangout for a bit at a beautiful kid's summer camp and enjoy the view, the weather, and even a few great meals. That was a marvelous opportunity and I am so glad to have had it.

I went to the beach this week and spent two hours watching Brock swim and looking for shells and throwing sticks for Teddy. I haven't been to the ocean since the divorce and it was wonderful to go and just wade in it and enjoy the mixture of warmth and cool, the rocky ground and soft shells and even a few jellyfish. It was a wonderful time and I was able to come home and sleep for a few hours- the deepest and best sleep I managed to get all week.

I managed to make a new ferret friend this month who is sending me lots of stuff for my guys to not only make them more comfortable, but also make it easier for me to put off laundry. As I have to go to the laundromat to clean things, that is a blessing indeed.

Bug climbs Blue Hill mountain every week and I love to get the pictures of him up on the mountain. He really enjoys the walk/ climb and does most of it barefoot.

So lots of good, bad, sadness and more. Looking forward to the new week.

Forced Rest

I'm a bit tired and wrung out today... a bone deep exhaustion that I am struggling to deal with. I need to rest this weekend so that I have the strength to work all next week and even the thought of moving my body right now seems so painful that I have been sitting and reading or watching films for the majority of the afternoon... except when I have napped. I worry that I am letting my friends and my co-workers down with my inability to continue to push myself in ways that I could in the past, but am unable to do now for long periods of time. I feel like I'm letting myself down too. This problem is something that I think I am going to learn to accept

it and stop being so hard on myself for it. I am trying to look at the positive side of the health problem; I have been able to take the time to read and watch some movies which I rarely have taken time to do in years. Some of the films that I have watched recently I have held onto for years to watch when I had the time. I am slowly winnowing through those piles of films including the massive collection that my Uncle Rick gave me years ago in a large stack. Because of that gift, I am enjoying films that I would never have gone out of my way to see if he hadn't given them to me. (Don't get me wrong- there are some serious duds in the collection, but I have found a few gems. And this package used to be full to the top... it was an amazing gift.)

So today and tomorrow I will rest and see what energy I can pull up out of the recesses of my muscles for the week and what will be will be. I am grateful for the day of rest that I have and a day to spend with family.

A Conversation With a Friend

I spoke with an old friend a little bit ago. That conversation has been turning around in my head for days. A small piece of it was the casual sorrow that no one had been availed to dress her partner in his temple garments before he was cremated. I have heard so many stories of people who haven't been allowed to help because other family didn't wish it or even the possibility that so many people were available that some would simply be usable to help due to the quantity of volunteers. I have never heard of a church member passing who was unable to be dressed in his temple garments because there was no one who was willing or able to serve. To say that I am appalled suggests a simple emotional response whereas what I feel is much more complex and difficult. As I ponder on that thought and recall experiences of asking for blessings and being unable to get them because priesthood holders were too busy and watching others ask for help and not able to get it either. It's a bit disheartening to see it still happening. I'm a woman and can not given blessings so I can only watch others not get what they need. I am a woman and am limited in what roles I can have in my church. So here I sit and think about all this and wonder when will change happen. When will the church culture stop pulling people in so many different directions so that important service is unable to be performed or even seen as unimportant while decorating for church activities takes more precedence? When will a ward community itself look into each of their hearts and determine that what they want is not to focus on the minutia of culture details and calling desires, but the pure surrender to service. To set aside perfect sacrament programs and instead make sure that shut ins and those in nursing homes get the Sacrament. To have fewer exclusive events that focus on teaching about service and charity... and instead have events that ARE service and ARE Charity. How amazing would it be it the local organizations that support the most impoverished found themselves with no need of volunteers? That families in need were 'adopted' by other families who helped them to get basic needs met, but also mentored and worked with them to find the resources to become more stable on their own. there are some programs that do this- the program in Canada for Syrian refugees comes to mind- what can we as a community of Christ do to create the same amount of successful service? Instead of 'love bombing' people who start to fall away or shunning and ignoring others, what if our focus was pointed so strongly into understanding their needs and to love them that we lost ourselves in the joy of service and love?

I can't change the direction of a culture myself, but I can determine how I respond in it. My response at this point is to move my service and my focus into local groups that are focused on the impoverished.... something I understand a bit to well for my taste. Working with groups that are focused on trying to understand and meet immediate needs for those in my community has been wonderful and I have been amazed at how valued and needed I have felt and how much I have learned. The more I learn, the more I realize how little I have understood about specific topics and I hunger to learn more. This is the service that I feel called to perform. I can't make others see things the same way that I do, but I must confess that I am weary of hearing the stories of people who are not being served in the religious communities that they worship in and I am weary to think that I was one of them.

Dare I ask for all of us to do better... to be better... to reach out to someone everyday and to be the person they need that day? It is the resolution I have for this year and one I feel compelled and called to do. I have hope for a future where I don't hear so many stories of people who are unable to get the help they need. I intend to work as hard as I can to serve better and to seek out those who need me this year. Here's to a focused New Year for all of us!

The Accidental Adventures of Duck

In my household, we have certain chores set up on the days we spend together as family. Out of all the chores that we perform every weekend, Bug's favorite is cleaning out Duck's cage. Hands down, she has been the hamster that he has loved the most and wants to spoil. In fact, he sometimes brings fruit or veggies for her from the farm he works on and makes sure I have extra pieces of cloth for 'blankies.' He is very insistent on fancy food so that he can give her a huge amount of food and extra peanuts on the side- peanuts are her very favorite food. Within minutes of his arrival on Sundays, Bug is begging to clean her cage. So we settle on the living room floor with her cage between us and I clean the cage while he holds Duck. She is almost two years old so this ritual has played itself out well over 100 times as twice weekly we kneel on the floor with her cage between us and we clean but also play and hug her. Yes, she actually doesn't mind gentle hugs. She is just a good lady.

For the last few years I have reminded Bug that Duck's safety outside the cage when he is playing with her and I am cleaning her cage is his responsibility. It's a very important responsibility as Duck lives in a household of cats. Sometimes I have to remind Bug to be more careful, but usually he is very astute about the dangers and keeps her close and safe. Today, we finally had the problem we have been avoiding. It was partially Brock's fault as he allows Minion to get to close fairly often. Minion always seems so calm and laid back and shows no interest in what is happening during this process. So while I cleaned today, neither Bug nor I thought much of Minion coming over and plopping himself down on the ground near us. I was almost done cleaning when Bug decided to let Duck lean close to Minion so they could check each other out. Before I could reach out, Minion had moved so quickly that in less than a second and laid off, peacefully snoozing cat was on all fours with Duck hanging out of his mouth. Bug screeched and I had grabbed Minion by the scruff. Duck was squeaking and failing about and as I held tight to Minions scruff he dropped her the last few inches onto the floor. And before I could reach out with my other hand to pick her up, Rob was there and Minion was whisked away in a whirl of fur and growls. I quickly enfolded Duck in my hands and moved her back to her cage.

After a few hours of 'rest', I brought her back out of her cage for a thorough examination She appears to have no physical affects from her adventure and didn't seem really bothered by being removed from the cage again today... that seems either very kind of her or too trusting as we have broken that trust today. After a strong talking to and a new set of rules for continued play with Duck in the future, I think we are back on track for our ritual to continue. And yet, something has changed today that can't be ignored. While her cage has never been very interesting before to my feline companions, it clearly has become a new focal point.

All of us survived our adventures today and I am truly grateful. However, the feeling I felt when she was hanging from Minion's teeth is one that felt horrible. I felt fear and pain and as I look at her now in my hand I feel failure and regret. I slipped up and she could have been seriously hurt today. I don't think I'll lose the feelings of fear and the need for hyper-vigilance soon. (My brain keeps hearing the words of 'Mad Eye' Moody - you need to practice constant, unceasing vigilance.) As I said before, I have so much to be grateful for today.

Service Day

I love Saturdays. Every Saturday I head to my local non-profit clothing store and work in the back to sort clothing. I grab the bags from the special bin and then dump the contents onto the table and then sort. I have a few different choices as to where I put clothing depending on how I judge its condition. Great or better clothing is hung up to go out onto the sales floor or set up to be steamed or pressed before going out. Then clothing can be placed in the free boxes for locals, bagged up for the Emmaus Shelter (a local homeless shelter),or into bags to be hauled off to Goodwill. Reusable bags that are not in good enough condition to sell can be donated to the free bag bin at the local supermarket and household items are sorted and donated to the local non profit thrift store to earn money to help the local animal shelter. The plastic bags that the clothing come in are gathered together and then recycled. There really isn't a lot of waste if we can help it. So I spent the day in the routine and organized assembly line of sorting and packing. There are not many volunteers on Saturdays and some weeks, I listen to audiobooks on my phone while I work the table. It's a lot of work and sometimes I feel almost too tired to go in, but I still do because I know that I am really needed there. Today I got some time to chat and joke with a few other volunteers and that was a nice addition to the day today. It actually felt a little bit sad to head off and teach my CPR class.

I enjoyed time with a friend tonight as we chatted while her husband did a little home repair for me and I am so thankful to end the day with a great book. When I went to Bangor the other day and swapped some books with Bull Moose I got some great books to goof of with. They have these large miscellaneous book bins and I made a great finds the other day. Now I just need to decide which of these ones I'm going to tackle. :)

To Copy an Artist- My Take on Kenneth Callahan's "Crow"

A few years ago now- I can't believe its been so long- I went up to Washington to visit with a friend. One of the things I really wanted to do was explore a museum- I haven't gone to one in ages and I also needed to pick a piece of artwork to try and imitate or copy. I looked at so many pieces that I loved and took lots of pictures, but I finally settled on a specific piece by Kenneth Callahan. The piece was a simple picture of a crow, but I will admit it captivated me. The first image is my reproduction of his work - not bad, but clearly not as good.

Here is a photo of the original artwork created by Kenneth Callahan hanging up in the Tacoma Art Museum

Sabbath Musings...

Yesterday was the Sabbath and I found myself once again thinking about the different ways that I worship on the Sabbath in comparison to how so many of my spiritual friends do. I found myself thinking about why I have chosen to worship and study this in this manner and found myself wondering how the different choices and things that have happened to come about in my life have caused this breach... so that I have a very different environment but emotionally similar experience to those who formally attend I have come to recognize the stereotypes by which I am judged by my spiritual family- I can recognize and even acknowledge that some of the stereotypes are potentially true if looked at through a very rigid black and white lens. For other stereotypes, I cannot recognize how they fit in my life or experience and so I find myself forced to either ignore or combat them in conversation and every day life. In the way they frame myself my house so recognizes stereotypes it or not true and yet I'm must live them because I am judged by them whether they are true or not. For in the end, I will not stereotype myself but it is beyond my control how people form opinions. So I find myself rethinking and reliving and re-analyzing conversations over the last few years... conversations online or by phone in which I have used the words that sometimes "church is unsafe" and I am immediately and simply told that 'you are offended' and I should chose not to be... How can anyone adequately respond to this accusation to anyone who can confuse the ideas of safety and offense to be one and the same? If you haven't even explained what made the area unsafe to you, what can you say at that point... for the die is cast and the judgment is there and nothing you can say will change the mind of the other. It will simply become more evidence for the case of offense. In essence, the conversation is over with both sides feeling unheard and for the 'offended', the trust to try and engage in the conversation again with anyone may be gone as well.

For many of us, the definition of safety is clear. If you are in an unsafe place, you must leave. If you find yourself standing in the middle of a busy highway, you shouldn't stay. If you are in a place where you are being hit or knocked down, emotionally abused or neglected... well, this is unacceptable. You must leave, you must try to find a way to leave if it is possible. And if it is possible you must 'MUST' try to take others with you if the situation is unsafe for them. You having a moral imperative... you owe your Heavenly parents and your spiritual siblings that much... to try not to leave them in the same situation. How many mothers who are experiencing partner abuse and then find a way to leave do not take their children with them (very few). And in the legal sense, taking their children with them when they run can cause courts to give custody over to the abusive parent (even with clear evidence that the parent is abusive) under the excuse of 'parental alienation'... the word alienation seems appropos to this conversation as well.

As I lay awake this morning, I found myself thinking about a discussion I had almost a year ago about safety and offense. The conversation was initiated by me and was clearly focused on safety... that I didn't necessarily feel safe at church. Within seconds, I noticed that, instead of trying to find out why I felt that way, the conversations very quickly boiled down the idea that I was offended. Only when I suggested that it was 'interesting' that safety and offense were being confused as having the same meanings did the individual step back and then ask the important question- "What is happening, going on that makes you feel unsafe?" By time the conversation moved to that point and due to the forum it was in I didn't answer that question even though the answer sat on the tip of my tongue begging to be spilled out and hopeful of being comforted and even having the situation changed. Over the last year, I have listened to many others talk about the same situations in their lives and watched how only in safe areas they are able to talk and feel comfort, to get suggestions on change and to feel validated and recognized as a person of value. Outside of these safe places, I have rarely seen that- not in my life or in the lives of others that I can participate in. Safety is immediately equated with offense and the cycle of pain continues. I have even seen family members encourage other family members to stay in abusive situations because of this exact problem and only the release of fairly damning and devastating pictures of the physical abuse has been able to change their minds. If you are unable or unwilling to 'blast' these pictures into the world, you are stuck in this impasse in which so many forms of abuse can still continue unchecked. Over the last year, only one thing has become more focuses and clear- that the general unreligious population that surrounds me as well as some other religious populations do not immediately equate safety and offense. What I have seen is that only Mormons and evangelicals too. It goes without saying that this is not a formal study- simply an observation... but it has made me curious. Like a child with a scab half removed, I find myself aching to rip it off and discover why this is so... what is happening under the rough surface and why. I wish I had a quick answer but I am still chewing on this thought and would love more imput on it. What I did discover as I thought of this is that there is some initial evidence that LDS leaders can confuse the two terms as well... or at least use them in the same conversation which can confuse the issue. A three minute search turned up these quotes:

Elder Bednar - "When we believe or say we have been offended, we usually mean we feel insulted, mistreated, snubbed, or disrespected. And certainly clumsy, embarrassing, unprincipled, and mean-spirited things do occur in our interactions with other people that would allow us to take offense. However, it ultimately is impossible for another person to offend you or to offend me. Indeed, believing that another person offended us is fundamentally false. To be offended is a choice we make; it is not a condition inflicted or imposed upon us by someone or something else."

Elder Morrison - "Unfortunately, racism—the abhorrent and morally destructive theory that claims superiority of one person over another by reason of race, color, ethnicity, or cultural background—remains one of the abiding sins of societies the world over. The cause of much of the strife and conflict in the world, racism is an offense against God and a tool in the devil’s hands. In common with other Christians, members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints regret the actions and statements of individuals who have been insensitive to the pain suffered by the victims of racism and ask God’s forgiveness for those guilty of this grievous sin. The sin of racism will be eliminated only when every human being treats all others with the dignity and respect each deserves as a beloved child of our Heavenly Father."

LDS.org - "Abuse is the treatment of others or self in a way that causes injury or offense. It harms the mind and the spirit and often injures the body as well. It can cause confusion, doubt, mistrust, and fear. It is a violation of the laws of society and is in total opposition to the teachings of the Savior. The Lord condemns abusive behavior in any form—physical, sexual, verbal, or emotional. Abusive behavior may lead to Church discipline."

Matthew 18:6 - "But whoever shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea."

President Joseph F. Smith - "We hold that sexual sin is second only to the shedding of innocent blood in the category of personal crimes. … We proclaim as the word of the Lord: “Thou shalt not commit adultery."....It is a deplorable fact that society persists in holding women to stricter account than men in the matter of sexual offense. What shadow of excuse, not to speak of justification, can be found for this outrageous and cowardly discrimination?"

Elder Packer - "But sometimes you cannot give back what you have taken because you don’t have it to give. If you have caused others to suffer unbearably—defiled someone’s virtue, for example—it is not within your power to give it back. There are times you cannot mend that which you have broken. Perhaps the offense was long ago, or the injured refused your penance. Perhaps the damage was so severe that you cannot fix it no matter how desperately you want to."

D&C 54:5 - "And woe to him by whom this offense cometh, for it had been better for him that he had been drowned in the depth of the sea."

Vaughn Featherstone - "The teacher or leader must not only be first in knowledge, in prophecy, and in understanding the mysteries, but he must also be first in performance. I believe that it is not only an offense to the people but also an offense to God when priesthood leaders, teachers, and members of the Church never really get down and serve the people, do not do their duty, do not magnify their callings, and do not fill their stewardships. We ought to bend our backs in our callings in such a way that our words and teachings are always racing to keep up with our acts. In this way we will never become what the Savior referred to as “whited sepulchers”."

President Heber J. Grant - “We believe that the commission of crime should be punished according to the nature of the offense; that murder, treason, robbery, theft, and the breach of the general peace, in all respects, should be punished according to their criminality and their tendency to evil among men, by the laws of that government in which the offense is committed; and for the public peace and tranquility, all men should step forward and use their ability in bringing offenders against good laws to punishment."

Sarah Miller - "Forgiveness is often difficult because offenders may deny their behavior or avoid acknowledging it. Regardless of how the offender responds—even if the perpetrator does not admit responsibility—the person who has been abused can choose to forgive. It is important to note that forgiveness does not necessarily mean forgetting the offense, trusting the offender, or even associating with him or her. However, it does mean letting go of self-destructive anger."

LDS.org - “No man who abuses his wife or children is worthy to hold the priesthood of God. No man who abuses his wife or children is worthy to be a member in good standing in this Church. The abuse of one’s spouse and children is a most serious offense before God, and any who indulge in it may expect to be disciplined by the Church”

I intentionally did not pick and choose- rather, I choose these quotes as they cropped up. Some suggest a definition of the word offense which feels more typical, while others do use the word in to describe behavior in situations that are clearly unsafe. In my mind, racism in many forms makes a congregation unsafe for people of color... and homophobic language and behavior can cause our congregations to be unsafe for it's LGBTQI members. Abuse is a safety issue to me... anything that causes real injury is a safety issue and if we admit that behavior has happened in which we 'cannot mend what has been broken', I think it is safe to say that isn't general offense in any use of the word. So, maybe I am splitting hairs or being too particular about how I think about these things, but this is how I think about things. I found out a while ago about a ward that had a convicted pedophile attending and it was decided to not tell anyone outside of a few people in the ward so that he wouldn't be 'judged'... but these same men who kept it quiet allowed other people to let this man spend time alone with their children... yet quickly removed their children from these situations. IS this a safety issue... Well, if you feel the need to remove your own children, but ignore the potential for other children... then yes it is a safety issue and you as the authority holder are complicit in any harm caused.

If you get physical sick going into a building almost every time, it is a safety issue and not offense.

If you are targeted by a member of the church who intentionally over a significant period of time does thinks to cause physical harm to you and your family, who will not quit when confronted and you are then told you need to forgive... while the same bullying behavior is being repeated and condoned... that is a safety issue- period.

If you have authority and use your authority to harm others even when shown evidence of the harm you are causing, that is a safety issue.

What this exercise has given me is a few thoughts. I am able to recognize that some things I am holding onto are because the 'offense' was pretty painful, but not necessarily a safety issue... in that sense, I will admit to being offended. However, in the end, safety is a priority and there is simply too much at risk for me at this point. I may be seen as offended... so I guess I will accept that. I will admit that this new realization brings no joy with it. More thought and prayer will be added to the equation, but I see no change ahead. Maybe that is a good thing as people who say they are friends also judge and disappear. The people who have been the most loyal to me in this life have rarely been found in spiritual communities, but have been found in the living of my daily life... through a stopped car on the road, a co-worker who is friendly, a letter from a distance challenged friend speaking of love and encouragement.... these are the friends and community best nurtured and kept close. Maybe spiritually is best kept between you and the Lord, with study and prayer and revelation... where safety is easily found and offense can be more appropriately wrestled with as a key to understanding yourself and not a judgement made in dismissal. Maybe...

A Snuggly Friend...

Someone is too cute.....