Praxis Project Reflection

This semester, I have found myself pulled in many different directions. Between emergencies with friends, medical tests and physicians mumbling around me, I feel like this semester has flown by so quickly I haven’t gotten more than a few glimpses of what I was trying to gain… like a hummingbird I see the beauty and remember it but I have to keep going over my notes and writings to really pull up the clear full image that I had in front of me. I changed my ideas on a project a few times over the weeks from blog post biographies on my favorite feminists to a newsletter with basic articles for on different aspects of feminism…. to my final and completed project of resources for Maine individuals who identify as LGBTQI.

This project came about when an individual finally discovered that her fear of her husband was also her children’s fear… she discovered that he was hurting the children as well and they were terrified their father would kill her. She pretended to be ‘normal’ for two days while quietly making plans with friends and the moment her husband left for work on Monday with the only car, she walked out to meet a friend with her children and hasn’t gone back. She was lucky and even though the struggle with the courts is all encompassing still, they are safe. Those two days were awful, with several people trying to find what resources there were out there for her. Domestic violence resources are supposed to be prolific – and they are- but out of almost 50 searches, over half had disconnected numbers, were closed, had lost funding, were full and unable to help others, or even had very strict limitations. That same week, some of the readings combined with this particular experience, caused me to push aside what I had done and begin again. I wanted to see what resources that there might be pulled up on google and spent two hours writing up every source I found for LGBTQI resources in Maine. My goal was to create a comprehensive list and hoped that I was able to fill a few pages of solid and available resources to pass along to the university.

I learned a few things from this project. The first was that as I had predicted, most of the resources that I had carefully listed were either no longer operational or if they were, I had no information to find any new information for them through follow up searches. However, as I just started cold calling different people and organizations, I not only found more resources but also found people who were collecting some of the same information I was looking for. I found individuals who not only were enthusiastic that I was willing to spend the time creating this resource and were willing to help me, but were hopeful they could have a copy of it when completed to help community members near them. I had conversations with one group who was saddened that I had found them by accident and gave them ideas on my search so that they could try and make their organization come up in search engines instead of my lucky referral from a lawyer’s office. I also worked on it at work and as my project became locally known, I had a co-worker and a few patients quietly pull me aside and hand me a paper with an email or a phone number on it. I ended up having to leave resources off the list due to time constraints (I could probably spent another 25+ hours and have twice as many pages), but I feel really good about what I have. I was pleasantly surprised at how many resources there are around… even though so many parts of Maine are rural and far flung. I was also a bit surprised to find some organizations carefully not answering some of my questions and I realized that they didn’t want to be a resource, but could not come right out and say it – due to their funding models, personal opinions, etc.… (I did leave those groups off the list.)

I discovered that in some ways, those who identify as lesbian, gay, transgender, bi-sexual or intersex may have extra difficulties in finding resources and support even in areas that are known for being ‘liberal’. While there are so many resources, finding out about them was a significant amount of work and took quite a few resources to find. It appeared to me that just like my anonymous 'individual', when you are in a tough place, you really do need people with some social privilege and resources to help you find and access what you needed. I think this project was as successful as it could be with my limited time frame and the blinders of my own privilege- after all, I did choose what resources I left off the list due to time constraints… I have to wonder sometimes how things did or did not make the cut. I am hopeful that this assignment will have the forward removed by UMA and be copied and distributed wherever is appropriate. I am hopeful it will be useful to someone. Thank you.

picture from: http://all-free-download.com/free-vector/download/abstract_rainbow_background_vector_148022.html

Angry Fruit : Before the Birds (Commentary on the “Grapes of Wrath”)

When I was in high school, I was introduced to the novel “The Grapes of Wrath” written by John Steinbeck. A masterpiece of depth and feeling wrapped around the story of a small family in the environment of the Great Depression. There are so many aspects to the story that are worthy of note, conversation and introspection, for even today the lessons that the author intends us to learn are still questions and attitudes that we struggle with today in our society. As a high school student, I was intrigued and saddened by the story of a young man fresh out of jail who goes home to his family to watch and help as they are forced off their land, struggle on to California and then to find himself an outlaw for his actions as much as for his place in society and the powerlessness of the many underneath the crushing heel and whim of the few. It is a symbiotic relationship that humanity aspires to- one of equality and opportunity for everyone- that we as humanity may never reach. So I thought that I would focus my thoughts not on the story or the lessons themselves that were brought to my mind again in this class, but to peer into the thoughts and images of my mind that come with the quotes that stuck in my mind long after the initial hearing of them.

Tom - (shakes head) “Anybody ever told me I'd be hiding out at my own place...”

Grandpa - “My dirt – it's no good, but it's mine”

While growing up, I would hear the words of the people around me talk about how hard work can get you anything in life you want. How being good and motivated and virtuous can make you rich, get you the things that you want in life and make life generally pleasant and easy. A part of those ideas have never made sense to me as I struggled to find a way to understand life, people and relationships in the dysfunctional household that I was to reach adulthood in. And as I have studied and watched many different kinds of people that have flitted in and out of my life, I have realized that those words only had a brief kernel of truth in them. With few exceptions, the only way to reach the ideal of wealth and a life of your choosing the individual must also be lucky enough to have a good background, a family with enough resources to get them the education, health and the resources that allow the 'hard work' of the individual to get them their desires. For the majority of humanity, especially women and those of a minority class... those are blessings or luck that no matter how hard they work, the individual will not get. The majority of people wish to own land, to own things... in fact, many of us derive our base worth to ourselves based on these things – what we own, what we do for a living, etc... Owning things gives us a feeling of security, safety and a sense of worth, but for most of us everything we 'own' is actually owned by a bank and we will spend our lives paying for those things. A wrong move- a recession, a lay off, a disabled child, etc... and we fall and break. No amount of hard work can save everyone in these situations no matter how good they are. A sad, but true fact.

Ma Joad - “There was a boundary to us then... there ain't nothing that keeps us clear.... There ain't no family now.”

“How big the country is … How small we are.”

In the study of history, we can look at the hierarchy of the medieval world with an understanding of place and power. To whom you were born set up the course of your life and no amount of motivation or work could change that. If you were a prince, your future was fairly set... you became a king, died as a prince or lived a life at court with its specific sets of rules and responsibilities. If you were born to a serf, then you were a serf for life... almost no exceptions. There was no intermarriage between the different groups of classes of which there were usually considered three – the nobles and monarchy, the clergy and church, and the 'rest' of us. With the French Revolution, and the other revolutions and uprisings that happened in the western world in the late 1770s and later years. For the lower classes wanted to have more opportunities open to them. So we come to ourselves and today. The struggle for equality has given so many more people opportunities to rise and the lines of hierarchy have become blurred. However, the lines of power and wealth have not blurred much allowing only a few more in and keeping the rest of us in control by the ideals mentioned above. If we all think that we can also be successful by working hard, then we are less likely to band together and recognize the true reality. And the reality is that as we have gained more rights for women and minorities we have also lost some as well. However, what we have lost is mostly something that we 'think' we had yet maybe never did. We have lost the concept of family and what are duties are in it. So we argue about what constitutes a family today but only when it comes to a few things. Other things break the family apart- economics, society, but we argue about 'what' constitutes the family itself. Our generation looks back and sees a 'rosy' past... that never existed. We as individuals struggle to understand our place in the world, our collapsing communities and our responsibilities as members of the human race. Our perspectives of the world and ourselves are what we use to wade our way into the waters of our futures... to keep our place and an understanding. Otherwise, we worry about being swept away in the crowd and that vastness of the world around us. We try to control and create order in the things that we can... to feel the security and serenity we crave.

Tom - “I just don't know who to blame.”

Preacher - “There ain't no sin and there ain’t no virtue. It's just what folks does....”

When things go wrong in our lives and the world, we tend to look around for the scapegoat. Humans have done that for so long that many people do not even understand today what the origin of the term actually means or how it came about. (It is from an ancient Jewish tradition in which the sins of the people are figuratively cast onto a goat and it is driven away into the desert to die as a part of the rituals alined with the Day of Atonement). If we look at psychology, we see how easily we find reasonable excuses for our own poor behavior/mistakes and yet we do not tend to allow others the same leeway for the same behavior. So we throw the evil and guilt we feel in ourselves out and project it towards others hoping to alleviate our suffering and to feel 'pure' again. So all of us continue to do so... and so we distract from real issues by pointing our fingers at others. Republicans point at the debt ceiling and big government and keep us from looking at the facts that the middle class is declining, the poorer classes are swelling and almost all economic gains are going straight to the top one percent. Democrats complain about the republicans but do not do anything but complain. Independents have no chance because of low numbers.

Conservatives blame homosexuals and their behavior for breaking up the family and proclaim abortion as murder, but they do not tend to adopt, to help children in foster care... to create a supportive society that would make abortion unnecessary nor to they acknowledge the good and the benefit of homosexual marriage. Liberals fight for the right to marry for all and for available abortion, but do not seem to acknowledge the fears and concerns of the other side and dismiss them... which tends to bring both sides even farther apart and to continue to demonize each other. Marriages break up and both sides point to the other party – friends and family split off into sides like there is something to win. Our perceptions and views on life and people color how we view the world, how we blame others and how we see our future possibilities.

Gas Station Attendant – 'A human couldn't stand to be so miserable.'

The Great Depression was a horrible time; a time of hunger, homelessness, and despair for most. People would do almost anything for any security or food. Those with money had the power over the lives of thousands. Severe conditions tend to make most of us fall into the physical and emotional traps that stress caused. We are less rational, less able to think, more desperate. Good works, intelligence, decision making and emotional control are the losers when our body is under stress for long periods of time. In desperate times, we can hurt each other- even those we dearly love- to gain a few morsels of food if we are so very hungered. We can break every virtue we believe in if we are desperate enough. We are currently living through the storm of recession and social change... a time where moderation doesn't seem to exist and being kind can be challenging. Daily, people are dying from torture, bombs, etc.. based on blame- the blame of religion, politics, or simply being in the way of other's viewpoints and motives. The Great Depression was in many ways so similar to what we face today...yes, we have more food (in theory) but the storm of culture, wealth and power, and change continues today. How will it end... I wonder.

What would you do...? Thoughts on Tolerance and Sexuality

I wrote this post for my human sexuality class. I know that many people will have strong opinions about my thoughts. I am happy to have a honest and appropriate discussion with anyone who wishes- but please... keep it nice!

I have tried several times to think about how I would react if my child was a homosexual. I think that my reactions over time have changed a bit.  As I have grown older and seen more of the world (and been judged pretty poorly by some people for being who I am whether I am not following gender roles appropriately, etc...), I have tried to err more on the side of understanding and tolerance.  I have found too many times in my life that I have not understood or been intolerant in ways that have caused pain to others, pain and disappointment in myself, and really haven't found anything positive but maybe my own growth in knowledge and a determination to try and not make those mistakes again.  I am aware that my religion is not accepting of homosexuality and most of my extended family are not accepting as well. I am also aware that my religion is not only very intolerant about this issue, but has members that are extremely intolerant and hateful. Reminding myself that they are really confused and fearful individuals doesn't really help as I don't think any human being should have to deal with senseless hate.

What I do know is that I love my child and I cannot imagine anything he could do that would cause me to love him less. And so many of us as parents have read our young children the books about how much we love them and that can never change...no matter what they think or do. I think that some people can have conditional love for others that can actually be harmed by behavior... but I think that most people do not. I just can't imagine (at least for me) turning off my caring for my child because they are different. (In so many ways, aren't we all different?) So I like to think that I would be extremely tolerant and understanding and supportive. That said, it is really easy for me to say that in my position. My son is almost nine years old and developmentally delayed- the idea that I might need to actually practice what I am thinking is so far away... or at least it feels like it is. And I have been told that I am the most generous and tolerant person from some friends who have made it very clear that my behavior towards them is a rare gift for them... which doesn't make any sense to me as we are all people, right?

So, if my child did come up to me and told me that he was gay... I like to think that my first response would be to say 'that's wonderful'.  I don't think that it should really matter except how it matters to him.  I like to think that I could express my gratitude for the trust that my child was showing me and that I would be supportive and caring- just as supportive and caring as I have always been. I do think that maybe one thing that I need to think about... maybe instead of just making sure to keep highly hateful people away from my son, maybe I also need to make sure that he is able to see positive examples of homosexuals around him... so that no matter what sexuality he finds that he 'feels'... he will know that he is OK and cared for. I can't imagine loving him any less and I can't imagine not standing up for him and his choices in front of ignorant or hateful people. I also cannot imagine the sorrow that other parents feel when others hurt their children... or cause their children to harm themselves. I hope that my child feels that he can be who he is and that I can support him in that- no matter whether he is heterosexual or homosexual, whether he follows social gender roles or not, whether he is religious or not,... I hope that we all can.

I am not sure that any of us can know how we will react until we are faced with it.  But I think that thinking about how we would react is a great first step to understanding how we feel so we know how we are most likely to react and confront our confusion, fear, or ignorance head on... which I think would be great just to understand ourselves better... and being able to help our children and others is an added bonus!  :)