The Identity Game

Have you ever played the Identity Wheel game? Here is a copy of the gameboard....

When you fill it out... what do you find? Here is what mine looks like:

My identity wheel doesn't really have much diversity in it at all. basically... it is a quick and easy people labeler. It took me about three minutes to fill out and I wasn't really surprised to say that it doesn't really tell anyone much about me that isn't already pretty obvious. I am a 41 year old, European ancestry white girl who considers herself to be heterosexual with some minor disabilities. I have had a multitude of low paying high responsibility jobs for most of my life in the medical field that have included working with adolescents in crisis and detox, emergency medicine and pharmaceutical distribution in both hospital and retail areas. I work 6 days a week almost all year to break $20,000 a year, am divorced with one child, and no military experience (had little interest and when recruited my physical stuff disqualified me.) I was born in Rhode Island, grew up in Colorado and Las Vegas and then moved to Maine 15 years ago and will probably stay here for the rest of my time here. I still have parents and family out west and I am trying to complete a college degree. I am a strong believing Mormon (LDS) with very unorthodox views so I do not fit in the orthodox church mold very well.

One thing that came to mind as I was filling this out was how simple it seemed to me and as I wrote down my sexual identity, gender, etc... I had an image of a teenager looking at the paper and hesitating.... Should they write down what they feel in their heart... or what other people would write down for them. In some ways this diversity wheel can also be used to obscure identity to try and fit in better in the society and culture you reside in. So while I found it pretty simple to fill out, I am also pretty comfortable with who I am at this stage of my life. For anyone who doesn't necessarily fit in the normative modes, each piece of the pie can come with hesitation and decision.

It also doesn't cover the aspects that make me who I am. My desires and dreams are no where and do not even leave any hints on this wheel and depending on when it is filled out, so much can change. I was married once and can get married again. I am interested in adoption so maybe I will add more children to my home... doubt it, but who knows. Even the boxes that seen clear such as religion do not tell how I interact with my religion and its teachings nor how other adherents around me change the religious experience for me. An interesting activity thought.

If you complete the activity for yourself, what does it tell you? Are you willing to share?

Aaack! Aaack!

In the past, I have found myself really busy and struggling to juggle all the 'needs' and how to meet and accomplish all of them. Juggling Bug and appointments and the household and the spouse was barely doable – no surprise that my health became really poor as taking care of myself wasn't in my list of priorities. With the other family changes in my life, I have been able to make caring for myself a great priority and my health has improved a lot. Gluten is still a huge issue for me – sometimes I feel like the world is made of wheat and so I can't touch anything or go anywhere.

I'm back in a little bit of a crunch time again. After I was laid off in August, I have continued to look for work and I am still enrolled and completing three college classes. In September, I accepted a 'temporary / part time' job which was supposed to last three weeks and I would either have full time or nothing. I have been working almost forty hours a week at around minimum wage since that time. The company that I am working for is now suggesting that they may keep everyone at relatively low hours, wages, and 'temporary' positioning through December. So I'm hanging in there in the hopes of full time because I have the potential to make a lot more. But I would be lying if I didn't say that I feel the weight of the work that I am trying to accomplish. Working full time, doing school work full time, continuing to look for work and trying to fulfill my church, family and personal responsibilities... well, I feel really pushed and rushed around. (I'm also in the middle of moving as well.) I haven't been taking care of myself as well as I could and my sleep has been problematic again. It's like my brain can't shut off and is constantly continuing to try and rearrange and figure out how I am going to get it all done. So I will wake up after a few hours and my brain is already 'running' as I wake up. And it has to run for a bit before I can sleep again. So part of my brain will continue the list, rearrange it, or add more to it... while another part of my head is quietly swearing and imaging sleep. So I'm making lists, thinking 'Ack', and trying to image my mind into dreams. I will admit it's not working well. ; )

So over the last few weeks I have been trying something new... and its working! A few weeks ago, many of you know that I adopted two almost grown kittens who needed a home quickly... or they wouldn't have been around for one! So even though I didn't need any more cats... didn't want any more cats... I have two more cats! And they are such a blessing. We have a race to the door when I come home and a race to bed when I am getting ready to head there. I have purring and snuggling during scripture study and I am sleeping so much better. It's funny because I am still behind on so much but I don't feel nearly as stressed about it now. It's just a wonderful thing. Sleep, I took you for granted when I was younger.... I don't anymore. So I am grateful for my new pals and the other blessings in my life. They mean a lot to me!

What new blessings do you have in your life? :)

Modern European History - Disecting a 'Tale of Two Cities' from 1958

So one of the things that I have been learning this semester is how to do a historical matrix. I have a few under my belt at this point and what they tend to entail is watching a film that has both a plot and the historical situation involved in it. Teasing out both pieces and then discussing them is the assignment and while I am finding it a little difficult, here is an altered version of my first one. I have altered it a little because I have no idea how to create columns and rows on a blog page and I also have removed a few personal comments. This post is based on the film “Tale of Two Cities” released in 1958 If you have a chance, watch the one produced in 1935... it is better. :)


Can I start this matrix/assignment by saying that I find this time frame challenging to study as its such a difficult time period. What a struggle to live during that time... the French Revolution is one of the most challenging times to focus on. It just seems so vicious for all who lived then whether you were in France of not....but France was definitely the worst I think. The older version seemed more true to the book as well... I didn't feel quite the atmosphere in this movie that I felt in the book and the older version.

Summary of the Movie

Broadly, this film is about the struggles of many people during the beginning of the French Revolution. There are several characters of various walks of life whose lives interweave in both painful and distressing ways. We learn about Dr Mannette and visit he makes to the home of a nobleman (we later learn his name is Darnay) where he watches the deaths of two young people and learns of the death of their father. Unwilling to ignore the horrors he has seen, he reports the aristocrat and Dr Manette is not seen again outside the Bastille for eighteen years. When he gets out he is housed by an old servant (Mr Defarge) who keeps him their until the doctor's daughter Lucy and his banker arrive to pick him up and take him to peace and safety in England. On the way down, Lucy Mannette meets both a nobleman named Charles Darnay and a barrister named Sydney Carton. Due to a set up, Mr Darney is tried for treason and manages to be acquitted with the help of Mr Carton. Both men return to England as both men are in love with Lucy; however, Mr Darnay wins Lucy's hand in marriage. Within six months of their marriage Lucy is pregnant and Mr Darnay discovers that some of his servants in France have been locked up and need his help. Knowing it is dangerous, he returned to France and is immediately arrested and thrown into jail.

The Bastille is successfully stormed and its prisoners released as well as its large stockpile of weapons and gunpowder. At the head of the mob is Mr. Defarge along with his wife- she is the only living relative of the three deaths at the beginning of the book whose telling caused Doctor Manette to be sent to the Bastille. Within six months of their marriage Lucy is pregnant and Mr Darnay discovers that some of his servants in France have been locked up and need his help. Knowing it is dangerous, he returned to France and is immediately arrested and thrown into jail. Lucy returned to Paris with her companion Posy and Sydney due to her concern for Charles and soon it is apparent that Mr Darney will be put to death as an aristocrat and for the bad deeds of members of his family. Sydney, in his attempt to save Lucy, the life of her unborn child, and her sorrow over the mental health and life of her husband, blackmails a prison guard that he recognizes from England to help him and with the help of this man and Mr. Lorey, he (Sydney) managed to get Lucy and Charles with their belonging back to England. Sydney Carton takes the place of Charles Darney and pretends to be the defeated aristocrat until this death.

Historical Matrix - The order runs as follows: each number has two sections. The first section shows the part of the film picked for analysis and a brief description of the scene. The second contains the analysis. :)

1. Minute 13; quote by aristocrat Evrémondes ...Dr Mannette is told by an unknown noble (after watching a young girl die)... “Doctor, you are not summoned here to listen to the babbling of this kind... You may forget these serfs. I only wish to impress upon you doctor that the things you have seen and heard in this house are not to be spoken of. You would do well to mark that.” (I do not remember this scene in either the book or the older movie)

I think this scene was included to give us (the modern reader / watcher) members, but understanding of how the majority of people – or serfs- were treated in this society. They were cherished by family members and maybe even by community, but as serfs they owned nothing except their feelings and thoughts. Their lives, energy, possessions, etc... were all owned by the noble who owned them and the land they worked. This scene suggests how the majority of nobles probably felt about their serfs in this time frame; like property without feelings or lives, just to work for them and accomplish what the nobleman wishes. If they die or 'break' more are created through birth to take their place... and as such easily replaced if necessary or if the personality or looks of one were not to the owner's liking.

2. Minute 1:03; quote by Mrs. Defarge ... “You're the one who shot the people down. Genocide!”

I think this scene is trying to express and show us a few things. First, the peasants no longer worry about being killed as they are dying of starvation and other problems. In this sense, the number of dissatisfied and frantic people creates a form of 'mob' mentality. Death is no longer the peasant's primary concern. As the mob realizes that they are winning the mood of the group not only continues to focus on its anger and for some revenge, the peasants feel no pause at harming anyone they see as an enemy- even people who are only following the orders given to them... people who may not be that far removed from the peasants themselves in money or station. Those who have felt oppressed or overpowered rarely deal with great power in the most rational and truly 'right' and fair ways. The deaths of the king's men at the Bastille and even some of the aristocrats show that. You can hear in the laughter and the yelling the total out-of control nature of the peasants in the mob. When I was watching some of the footage of the Egyptian protests during the 'Arab Spring', I could see some of the same play of emotions of the people's faces as they fought.

3. Minute 1:08; quote by unknown servant of Mr Darnay - “What have any of these others done?” Mrs Defarge - “You ate, while we starve!”

These thoughts express both the bewilderment of those who have been removed from power or those who had some more control over their lives.... and the anger and need to 'scapegoat' that many of the peasants felt. When people make others into a scapegoat, it also absolves the 'scapegoat-er' of any wrongdoing and gives them justification for their poor behavior. We still do this today to so many people and groups over perceived grievances. I think that sometimes we as humans are so anxious for change that we do not realize that things can't be instantaneous... it causes chaos as the differing sides fight and struggle. Bloodless revolutions or large change usually take 'time'... very rarely does history give us King William and Mary. :)

4. Minute 1:10-12; Quotes - Charles Darnay and Sydney Carton talk of responsibility. Carton – “How simple it all sounds. Far simpler than I'd imagined. Goodbye to France. Farewell to all responsibilities.” Darney - “I have been selfish. I should have gone back to France when my cousin died... worked out and supervised all I meant to do.” Carton - “I see. In view of that I hope you won't contemplate doing anything foolish.” Darney - “You must leave me to make my own decision.”

This scene helps to show the hierarchy of the society and the challenges and responsibility that came with each 'station' of life. Even though aristocrats and the nobles had different problems than the other classes they too had responsibilities and things that they were required to do as well. For those who had some thoughts that were influenced by the Enlightenment, they were in a double bind... being pushed in two directions as all sides fought farther apart to hold onto what they had and to attempt to gain more. Today, we can see the same problems... the gaps between the 'haves' and 'have nots' are growing in all countries and so all people feel the tension and the struggle that is starting to build between us.

5. Minute 1:41-44; Sydney Carton sits alone in the cell.

At all times in every person's life we have times where we have done something challenging, or must or feel we must make choices that break us. How we make those choices shows our character and what truly does matter to us. Whether rich or poor, male or female, no matter our station in life, all of us must make these choices or they may be made for us. Some must reflect longer on their choices, but all will feel them and the pain they cause No character in my life from a book with one exception has ever made more of an impression on me. I have named a beloved pet after him, writing many stories and thoughts about him. This character always reminds me that in all of us is the ability to care and do amazing things... we need only have the strength and motivation to do so. I hope that I do in the mountains and pits of my life.

6.

Minute 150-151; Sidney Carton - “Suddenly I want to weep, but I must hold my tears in check less they think it is myself I weep for.... and who would weep for Sydney Carton? A little time ago none in all the world... but someone will weep for me now. And that knowledge redeems a worthless life. Worthless but for this final moment which makes it all worthwhile. It is a far, far better thing that I do than I have ever done. It is a far, far better rest I go to than I have ever known.”

We all weep for the Sydney Cartons of the world. “There must be some appeal - some chance of a reprieve” And at some point most of us give – maybe not our lives, but a part of us to take away the pain or a punishment of another. All we do to help our fellow human beings find joy and relief throughout all the ages of history matters … even when most do not remember or know of their existence.


Have a great day, my friends... and hope you enjoyed :)

An Open Letter to Tsar Peter I from King Louis XIV of France

This was one of the most challenging assignments I ever have had. Pretend, etc... is not a strong suit for me and when we were asked to 'write' a letter as one particular monarch to another... well, I will admit that I avoided the assignment until I couldn't any longer! So I have finished it and I don't think its too bad considering I feel like it's waffle. :) So here is a letter from King Louis XIV of France to his Russian Counterpart, Peter I (the Great). What do you think? Is it a lot of waffle or maybe a bit interesting... I would have happily written a ten page paper on the both of these men to get out of this letter....


To my esteemed colleague Tsar Peter Alexeyevich, Emperor of all the Russias

It was with genuine pleasure that I dictate these words in response to your communication dated August last, 1714.

I was much pleased to watch over the last few years of the many reforms and cultural improvements that you have commenced to put into place with great enthusiasm and vigor. I know from personal experience the challenges and deft hand it takes to create great changes in social culture as well as the difficulties of controlling the wayward and selfish of those in our realms who would rebel against us and our divine responsibilities as rulers over those the Lord has put into our dominion. Controlling and appealing to the natures of the aristocracy- many of whom consistently seem to forget their place in society and endeavor to pull themselves up to heights that their God did not deem proper has been a challenge for both of us from our tender years to now. I wish to congratulate you on your tax reforms as well as your ingenuity in using the ideals of loyalty and meritocracy to control and distract those in noble stations who might distract you from continuing to improve the lives of those under your care. Your efforts towards a strong military have also been noticed and I compliment you highly on the strength and organization of it. It is quite a formidable force at this point and I would be quite shocked if it disappointed you in your quest for more liberal trading routes and partners.

One thing that I find myself quite puzzled and repelled by is your consistent desire to ignore or demolish ritual anywhere you can find it. Ritual is an important part of monarchical and universal law; important and clear to show and maintain the appropriate order as well as an example to those in society of the proper and necessary conduct to the monarch as God's 'lieutenant'. I know you have mentioned that I should address you as simply 'Peter'... as if I could possibly consent to such disrepute and impropriety. I, myself, have recently begun to wear a new ornamental clothing around my neck which is an accessory that I am using to show my high rank as well as wealth and importance.  Already, many of the noble classes here have begun to wear these 'neckties' and I am confident that this new addition to my wardrobe and to social ritual will continue to become a symbol of importance and honor over time.  My dear friend, please consider these things when continuing to confuse God's order between yourself and your subjects by such frivolity and informality.


I was distressed to hear through the courier channels and from your own pen of your challenges of health in the last winter and relived to know of your continued improvement and robust health. I have heard many tales of your legal reforms and the beauty of your new city of Saint Petersburg. I hope your inspiration for a grand residence in the style of my 'Versailles' is able to come to fruition in your lifetime. As to mine, I have little left and I am reluctant but ready to face my God when that time comes as it must soon. Please do not follow my example and leave the future of the state and your subjects as uncertain as I have. I think it may have been the mistake that may undo all I have managed to accomplish in my life. By outliving my heirs of legal succession, I have left a power vacuum that surrounds my grandson and I fear it could swallow him. Pray mind my advice in this matter.

With much thought and salutations,

King Louis XIV, King of France and Navarre

My Thoughts on our Military Entering Syria....

One of the classes that I am currently taking is called Human Rights Violation: Torture, Trauma and its Effects on Society. I took this class because I thought it might be really interesting to really learn about how challenging and how people are affected by this treatment or affected by and/or deal with witnessing it, etc... In my first reading this week, I found that two sentences really stuck out and I found myself reading the paragraph that they were 'embedded' in and ask your thoughts on them.

The first sentence is: “The US Declaration of Independence state that “all men are created with certain inalienable rights” and makes the case that a people can reject the authority of a government that violates those rights....”

The second phrase is: “Thus, a major focus of human rights law is not only to describe rights that are legally protected but also to prohibit actions by governments that violate such rights...”

So I was hoping for your thoughts on them. When I read these two sentences, the thoughts that came to mind were actually on Syria. I was against the Iraq War and going into Afghanistan, but I have shocked a few of my friends when my pacifist non-violent self admits that I feel we should go into Syria and help. I know that my opinion on both equations is the opposite of what statistics showed of public opinion in 2011 and today. Yet when I was reading these two lines, I realized that these are my thoughts on the issue stated more clearly than I knew how to express. In Iraq and Afghanistan, the need for military intervention was not clear and diplomacy and sanctions and other methods probably would

have brought these countries more in line with human rights and would have improved the lives of those living there. As those governments were only breaking these rights mainly legally (according to their laws), I don't feel like we were likely to change them... and it doesn't really appear that we have made any changes except for who is running the country. In many ways I believe we have left these countries worse off and more likely to have severe human rights abuses without recourse. The people of Syria have been trying to get more rights for over two years now and have been fighting their government with everything as they have 'rejected the authority of a government that violates' their rights. We have 'in theory' been trying diplomacy for two years as well without success. The Syrian government has now used a weapon that single-handed killed over a thousand people- many of whom couldn't have really been fighters or a threat to the government – I'm thinking of the children. So if we as a nation believe in the later quote above, should we not attempt more wholeheartedly to stop these prohibited actions...?

I guess I wonder what is our place in human rights and our responsibility.... my responsibility, my community's responsibility, my federal government's... and the world's. Some of these questions seem so easy to answer unless I think about them long enough. So what do you think your responsibility is towards Syria... or even in your own communities?

My Daily Paradoxes

I am really struggling to find a way to say what is in my head and have been for two weeks... so I apologize if I sound confusing or silly. I feel like everything in my life is such a paradox – and I can not pretend that I understand it. I am wondering it maybe trying to write it down will help me understand any of it. I guess I don't know how much of the paradoxes in my life are really there or are really just my perception.... how I see things.

Some are easy to see and in some ways understand. The gospel for instance... very little of the gospel isn't a paradox. We gain life by the Savior's death and through our own. We get when we give. Suffering brings strength and joy, etc.... Those are paradoxes that I have understood for so long... or at least thought that I did... so I do not find them confusing. But I am am surrounded by some really confusing things right now.

I have so much to be grateful for. I am so blessed.... so why do I sometimes feel so keenly what I do not have? Why do look at my blessings and feel so much gratitude for so much and yet sorrow for my loses? Here are some other questions that I am dealing with....

Why do I feel so weak and so unable.... when others tell me that I am so strong? That they wish they had my strength....

Why can I feel so happy and so sad at the same time?

Why does my husband treat me so much better and is so happy to see me... when we will be divorced soon?

There was a time when I would have given anything to have good friends at church and to know that someone really cared. But I never felt really lonely. Now I feel alone even with friends. I want so much to be cared for and noticed... but I cringe at the idea that anyone might notice me... How crazy is that?

I should have more time than I did even a year ago... yet I feel like instead I have even more work and instead of revolving my life around an intact family... I need to revolve my life around the family that has left me but still do all of my new responsibilities. Instead of more freedom, I have less.

These are questions that I am really struggling with right now. I can't find easy answers or ways to understand the paradoxes they create in any way that makes sense. I feel like I almost travel in the world with a continuous mask on as I try to pretend I'm making it and I'm not tired and I don't need help and I'm not sad. And I hate depending on people for some of the things that I have agreed to so that I can keep myself going. I think that's just pride in the sense that I want to be the giver and not the one who needs right now. I don't know... my head doesn't feel much clearer. :)

Well, maybe I should end by mentioning a few things I am sure of. I am sure that Heavenly Father is not only away of my circumstances, but he is dipping his hand into the angry waters of my trials to help keep my head above the waves of my trials. He has provided me with a few people who I can trust and who depend on me and who I feel care about me in ways that I can't totally understand but I am so grateful for. I am so grateful for my new job. Quite a few people seem really happy to work with me and seem disappointed when I change positions and no longer work side by side with them... that feels wonderful! I am grateful for the family members who talked to me and encouraged me to start a blog. Sometimes when I see so many things going wrong and I feel like a failure, I can find it easy to decide that I can't do anything right. But even though I think a blog is supposed to be mostly personal and mine clearly isn't- almost everything I have ever written about have been on something other than myself- there is no doubt in my mind from the blog statistics and comments that I might be darn successful at that! I know that I have a talent with animals that many others do not have and I can not adequately explain the feelings of joy and satisfaction to see a feral, frightened and stunted animal slowly change to become wary... then slightly willing and then totally loving and joyful. (One of my greatest blessings is the past feral puss that I have named Morianna... she has been with me less but gives me as much love and joy as I can handle.) Even the ability to see near one without moving and watch one of the cats just observe me-you can almost sense the disbelief and confusion about me and what I might want... its a great feeling. I am sure that I am loved. And lastly, I am sure that someday I will understand so much more than I do right now. I just need to keep putting one foot in front of the other and doing what's right. So... I'll keep going I think. :)

A Day of Travel...

Today was a different day. I will admit that as recently as a week ago my plans for the next few months were pretty much strictly set and ready to enforce. And then I got a gluten exposure and became so sick that I lost a baker's dozen worth of pounds, stopped sleeping and then discovered that my last grandmother is gone. So instead of rigidly working on things I have thrown together a bag and I am flying out to Utah. It feels so strange to be doing this- a part of me feels like I have almost run away from my responsibilities. But I am determined to use this opportunity that has been thrown into my path. I brought some homework as well as some work for mailing and I am ready to continue on with much of the work that is currently engaging my time. I also have a few goals and I hope that maybe some of my family will be willing to help me out with them. Here they are: 1. I would like to go to the family history center in Salt Lake for one day and do research on a few things. I have a genealogy job to complete as well as some questions to answer about some work that I have been doing. I have three lines that I am working on from three different families and it would be awesome to get a little bit farther on with those! 2. I have a list of a few things that I wish to get from the Distribution Center for some members at church and myself. A trip to a bookstore wouldn't be out of the question either... ;). I love the talk tapes that I got last time I was in Utah and the best ones for me seemed to be on the clearance rack so I am hoping to be blessed in that regard again. I am sure that my church library would love me to be lucky too. :) 3. I brought my temple recommend and I would like to go to the temple at least once. My preference is a minimum of two times as going to the temple at home is a little tougher and I will not be attending my temple trip this Saturday... as I will be in Utah! It seems perfectly foolish to be so close to several temples and not to take advantage of this opportunity. I am blessed that a kind member mentioned the temple in passing to me on Sunday- otherwise, I think I would have forgotten my recommend entirely as I was so focused on getting down to Utah and what it would entail planning wise. But I brought it and I would love to take advantage of the opportunities that are available. 4. I want to spend some good time with family. I desperately want to see that they are good and healthy... and maybe I am in need of some assurance that even though I have problems I am a good person and that people want to be around me. Silly, but there are my cards flat out on the table. 5. I do so want to get my hair cut and styled. Something that helps me to feel beautiful and different than the tired and well worn mother that I am. While traveling today has been exhausting, I have had many blessings and fun. My alarm didn't go off but I managed to get up and get going pretty quickly. I got my library books and the CPR mannequins dropped off and managed to get to a friend's house without hitting the slowly lumbering skunk that was crossing the road on the Brooklin border. The skunk was a juvenile- could tell from the stripes and he was smallish- and that poor skunk didn't seem to have any idea of how to deal with my car. So he simply stopped looking at me and kept plodding along... isn't that something cats do- close their eyes or not look at you in the hopes that you will not see them? It was quite cute. My beautiful friend got me to the airport and I was able to get on the flight. I tried to chat with some people and was friendly and actually had fun. I was overwhelmed by the views out of the windows of the plane and by the sheer quantity of space and people. It amazes me every time I leave Maine and I think that is a clue as to why I love Maine so much. If I am weird, there are fewer people to notice. I can mow my lawn in the nude and only a rare coincidence would turn it into an embarrassment. I can feel Heavenly Father closer because I can hear his creations more than the machines of men. And I become one of those creations. The views of Philadelphia that seemed to stretch as far as my eye could see- Phoenix is so flat that the views of the city and suburbs appeared never ending through the windows of the jet. The portions of the grand canyon that I could see were awe inspiring but also a little boring... after all, it seemed fairly small and from my height some portions simply looked like large rips in the earth. :). Seeing the mountains again was wonderful too. I have completed some homework, finished a book and even had a little food that I packed to eat... including four cupcakes. (So I should probably watch my diet for the next week as that was a week's worth of desserts that security wasn't sure I should bring through. They kept me remarkably full though and were absolutely decadent. :). I had my bag checked for free and so I didn't have to carry it around and enjoyed the free juice and the dry air. So... Salt Lake City. Here I come!

Why Leaders Lose their Way and some Personal Introspection

I think I have seen leaders, both up close and certainly through the news media, that have lost their way and not only ended up being a failure as a leader but causing the organizations or groups that they are affiliated with to crash or stumble in a big way. I have worked with a few people whose leadership skills have been quite poor and I have personally felt the pain and frustration caused by their poor leadership abilities. So i took the time to look at the different archetypes of leaders that fail and try and analyze what parts of myself I saw in them. I think it is appropriate to say that after looking at the the archetypes of leaders (the Impostor, Rationalizer, Glory Seeker, Loner, and the Shooting Star), I can see qualities of each of them in myself and the way I think and react to things. First I looked at generic behaviors that I could see in leaders who have not been totally successful. Some of the behaviors I have seen displayed in others and myself are arrogance, the focus on selfish desires, the fear of failure, doubt and lack of confidence, as well as misplaced aggression, a sense of entitlement, and the sense of needed to be the hero. In my new understanding of what leaders are and what they can and should be, I have started to realize that I see these behaviors and 'failures' everywhere around me- at church, at local businesses, and at home. But I would be dishonest if I didn't also mention that I see some of them in myself.

Looking at the archetype of the 'Impostor', I do not recognize a lot of these qualities in myself but I do recognize that others around me have them. I lack the ability (at least I think that I do) to understand the politics of getting ahead and I allow almost everyone to stand in my way. :) I do not understand politics in almost any organization and at this point will not pretend to understand them in my private life. I will say that I am not confident in my ability to lead and at least in this point have no wish to be in any position of power or authority over anyone.... not even myself.

Focusing at the qualities of the 'Rationalizer', I see quite a few in myself as well as others. I certainly make mistakes to help things short term that have long term costs. I will admit that I didn't see that aspect in myself until the last year. I also rationalize not telling people bad things because if it isn't useful I think its better to not say anything. Little things like that sometimes do come back to bite me. I also tend to like to share responsibility with others so failure belongs to all of us and I do resist taking full responsibility for things myself. I am not sure if that is because I could be considered a blamer or I work so hard to not be the only maker of the 'choice'. If I work with others we are all responsible for the failure or success.

Looking at the archetype of the 'Glory Seeker', I think I had a few of those qualities earlier in my life. I wanted to be famous and successful and leave my past behind. In some ways I am still that person. I do not want good grades for myself, but so I can say that I have them. I joined the Honor's program because it was pointed out to me it wasn't a great deal more work and I would have that little 'badge' next to my name. I have two minors for my degree and while I wanted them both, I think I did the extra work to have that accolade when I graduate as well. I will say that I think my 'thirst for fame' is quite quenchable and I think I would like to spend most of the rest of my life unknown and not in any kind of limelight. I think I want to discover how to be successful for myself.

Focusing on the qualities of the 'Loner', I recognize that this archetype is the one that fits me the most right now. I do 'believe they can and must make it on my own.' I really feel very uncomfortable forming close relationships right now. I don't feel comfortable sharing much and while I have recently created a support network, I feel very uncomfortable using it for myself and only really feel comfortable using it for my family. I have quite a few superficial relationships and I think I actively work to keep them at arm's length. It is so much easier to keep secrets if I don't let down my guard and I am not close to anyone. I also do not know how to understand people sometimes when they are trying to give feedback.

Looking at the archetype of the 'Shooting Star', I don't see much of it in me at all. My career is so secondary and I then to use it to keep up with my 'Loner' archetype. That way I have social interactions, but have a professional distance from most people. I think at one point I allowed my church membership to act in this capacity and because I felt like there was so much need there I did allow my personal life to be ignored. If there is anything about this archetype that fits me it would be that I always tend to rarely make time to take care of myself. That is always last. I think that I do learn from my mistakes, but I also think that mistakes tend to make me more introspective and less likely to put myself at risk.

I think that any person or leader can find themselves in situations that can cause them to lose their way. I think that if I managed to be successful enough that I felt a bit of confidence in being a leader, I might not be a good leader because I do tend to be a loaner, un-trusting of others and doubtful that any risk is worth the risk of pain and failure. I can see myself struggling and losing my way if the one person I trusted had lost their way and I kept following them. When I was younger I had one good friend and there was a special activity that was set up at church where you were blindfolded and two people were supposed to give us directions across a field of obstacles and one person would give the wrong directions. The leader of the group had my best friend give me the wrong directions. Every other individual in the group only made one or two mistakes when they went through the 2000 feet obstacle course- I made it almost to the end before I stopped listening to Ashley. I think its a pretty good metaphor for myself as when I do trust... I trust strongly. And it takes a lot to lose that trust... but once it's gone I rarely give it back.

So I think it is safe to say that until recently I have never tried to be my on person and I haven't really actively tried to go my own way. I have simply tried to surround myself with good leaders. I am very effected by external pressure and only in the last year have I tried to analyze that tendency and fight it. Too bad I allowed myself to get into the hole I am in now before I got some guts. :/

I have a huge sense of failure. I absolutely fear failure and the pain and problems that it causes myself and others. I fear that I will harm others, myself, and I fear causing permanent harm to everything around me. I fear what others will think of me and how I will be treated. And I think there is a little pride in the sense that I do not want to be seen as a failure by myself. I want to see myself as a good person and I want to be a good person. The funny irony is that I also feel that I cannot say no to anyone who asks for something. I will say yes to someone who asks me to do something that I do not want to do and think isn't helpful, but they asked and the yes trips easily off my tongue... another reason to be careful who I hang out with. :)

My fear of failure affects everything and every decision in my life. I have refused to make many decisions unless I am sure that I can succeed in it. I prefer to stand back, be quiet and sometimes add a comment to a group, but I think I try to be a chameleon and meld into the nearest environmental object... be it wall or picture. I think that I consciously avoid situations in which I need to be a leader and therefore I can avoid the risk of individual failure.

How do you deal with failure? Do you see any of these characteristics in yourself?

A Day of Remembrance

Every once in a while, I find that I find myself feeling sort of uneasy in church. The feeling that I know something that nobody else knows and the wall of silence that it seems to build up around me is a bit uncomfortable. Today was one of those days, but today instead of feeling silent I felt so disappointed and in a way let down. Rationally, I know that the disappointment was inevitable, but I felt it all the same.

The build up to the remembrance of the terrorist attacks of September 11, 2011 was pretty big this year and rightly so. Whether you knew anyone who died in that attack or not, it was a powerful statement and injury on our consciousness. The understanding, motivations, deaths, heroes, and compassion that almost always arise in force during times of great trial was burned into us and whether we agreed with some of the motivating factors or not, we still thought about them, chewed on them, and swallowed the bitter pain of the waste and irrationality of it all.

So it was not a shock to me that our Sacrament meeting and lessons today focused so much on these horrible attacks. But I will admit that every year I am disappointed that the vast majority of Mormons now spend this day only in remembrance of this event. This date should be imprinted on the soul of every active Mormon member, not for the above mentioned event, but for a massacre perpetuated by our ancestors. This day should be remembered every year for so many reasons, but one of the most important reasons is that to be a member of this church... to embrace the gospel and many parts of our history as a standard and a part of our faith that is positive, strengthening and heroic.... we cannot be true to ourselves as a community if we push our failures under the rug. Take a poll in every ward or branch you attend and you will find the majority of members have heard of the Hauns Mill massacre, but very few have heard of Mountain Meadows. It is one of our community's -and I say 'our' including myself- big embarrassments, an act in itself of terrorism, and an act that no matter how rationalized or justified... is a shame and a sore on the covering of the gospel and the church.

Some people believe that we should not talk of these things and there are many reasonable reasons to not speak. But in our silence, it can cause more difficulty for members and non members alike when they discover the sore for themselves and become part of the festering mass of confusion, anger, shame and betrayal that is found underneath. Some argue that, like reparations for slavery, it is in the past and so it is no longer relevant. For those who say this, may I ask a question? Look deep into your heart and your memory and think of the sins that you have 'quietly' repented of... or the sins that you kept to yourself and have hidden from the light... Do you feel that they are now all better? Do you feel that repentance absolves you of any responsibility to try and fix the harm you have inadvertently caused? In my mind, repentance is much like a u-turn: when you realize that you are going the wrong way, you repent and turn around.... but that doesn't stop you from having to recover the ground you have traveled. True repentance is a journey, not a magic spell that will apparate you back to where you began when you lost your way. (Although living in the world of Harry Potter would make a few things a tiny bit easier- imagine your few second trip from Maine to Paris for a romantic dinner and then home for work the next day. :)

While none of us living have any responsibility for the crimes of the past, I firmly believe that we all have a responsibility to try and continue the process of healing- for the family members, for the ancestors on both sides of the tragedy, and for the continued healing of our present community. I hope that next year, maybe a few more people will remember this date for more than just the attack in New York. I hope that more people will pray and remember Mountain Meadows and that even good, kind and godly people can make a mistake in ignorance, anger and fear. Remember that all of us are capable of horrible things in the grip of many negative emotions such as anger and fear. May we spend the day in remembrance and good works. Today is an important day....

The Tale of the Donkey and the Blackberry

I am so busy lately with my numerous responsibilities and preparations that I have been right straight out and have had very little time to do anything extra... and my blog has clearly suffered from it. :) But I thought that I would share a funny experience that my craziness created this morning.

It actually started last night. I came home from my last day of work (for now) with my boss and introduced her to Casey and we had a few minutes of fun with him. A few minutes later I realized that I couldn't find my phone and I thought that I had left it at the post office. I smiled to myself and decided to have a night off without email and calls and just to work and enjoy my family and get some rest. It seemed like a good idea at the time.... In hindsight, I probably should have looked around more carefully for my phone!

At six am this morning my alarm on the phone went off. I was sleeping very deeply and so I didn't hear anything but a huge and unusual howl from Casey. While the noise and braying was quite unusual, I was so tired... and my husband was closer (yes, a sign of how lazy I can be sometimes)... so I stayed snuggled in bed and woke up slowly. My husband, however, got out of bed and discovered the problem. My phone would vibrate and the donkey would step closer. Then my phone would trill and Casey would jump back in fear and anxiety... and the pattern would repeat itself.... every few seconds.

So I have my phone back and it is drying from the heavy dew and dirt that settled on it overnight. Casey is calming down and I got to spend time chatting with my husband before the Bug woke up and we started our day. And I have an insane urge to laugh every time I imagine the scene of the Casey and my phone. I am sorry that he was scared, but I will admit that it must have looks absolutely hilarious! I think I will enjoy that image for the rest of the day... and I hope you do to! :)

Have a great day. :D

Counting Blessings...

One of the truly blessed things about the trials that Heavenly Father gives us and others is that not only are we able to learn, but I have found that sometimes a blessing in disguise comes to the foreground in my own life. We all have discovered this a few times in our lives I am sure. We discover the blessing of a nose when we get sick and it is constantly runny- very rarely do we thank the Father for our wonderful nose nor do we really remember it is there unless there is something wrong with it. And there are so many of those blessings in all of our lives. The blessings of kidney and liver function, of laughter...of breathing.

Last night, I was given some great news as I found that a relative is out of prison and back home. His problems have weighed heavily on my mind over the last few years. As I thanked my Father in prayer, I recognized that while my relative is no longer in prison, he is now on 'house arrest'. While I find that much better, being trapped in the house can also be seen as a large burden. While I sometimes wake up in the morning and feel tired and 'growly' that I 'have' to go out, the blessing is found in the realization that I can go out... I really can! So while I am out volunteering today, passing out food and trying to give advice and cheer... I am thankful that no matter how tired or grumpy or sad... Or even happy and hyper... I have the ability to do what I feel I need to do without the limitations that some others have to deal with in their lives.

It's a blessed day!

Random Thoughts on Oral History, Interviews, and Technique

This week, I spent some time really focusing on the process of getting ready for an oral history interview and what is really involved. I ended up with 13 small paragraphs about different ideas and thoughts on how to interview and collect oral history... and I will share them with you below.

1. The idea of neutrality is described as a skillful way of holding yourself/ body and asking questions that keep the focus at all times on the interviewee and their thoughts and feelings. For instance, having too much rapport or empathy with the interviewee can really side-rail the interview and make it more about you and your feelings and thoughts- and not the person being interviewed... which is certainly not the goal that we are trying to complete(in performing an interview). Also, too much of anything- whether it is emotions, questioning etc... can change the interview and make it more biased, less accurate and focused on the biases, not the whole picture.

2. It is suggested that opening an interview with a question that provokes a detailed answer helps to start an interview with a prompt, purposeful beginning. It lets the interviewee know that the interview has begun and gives both you and the interviewee the cue that you are 'down to business'. Using a question that the interviewee is likely to know and need to give a detailed answer to helps get the interview off on the right track of the interviewee talking... and you listening.. It also should state the main purpose for the interview so that the subject that is to be covered is acknowledged right away.

3. A leading question is a question that sets up the interviewee to answer the question asked in the way that the interviewer seems to wish. This will not necessarily give you the answer you are really looking for. The danger of loaded questions contaminating the interview becomes higher if the 'status' of the interviewer is higher than the 'status' of the interviewee. Loaded questions can also produce answers that are truly difficult for the historian to interpret correctly because the interviewer's bias is so obvious in the original question. To avoid loaded questions, avoid questions that provoke short answers, questions filled with 'emotive' words, and use the interviewers own words to ask more questions- do not make assumptions of what the words mean... ask! Leading questions are less likely to cause problems with the interview near the end of the interview and can be useful when you have had an uncooperative interviewee. At the end you can use these questions to try and pull out more details and get more information. However, even in these situations, keeping the questions as non-'leading' as possible will help to keep the interview unbiased and 'correct.'

4. A negative leading question can be useful for getting comments and thoughts on provocative topics... especially if the historian's research has turned up conflicting information between the research and the information provided in the interview. It is important however, to not use too many of these questions because they can turn the interviewee off of the interview and it is also important to word the question so that the 'challenge' appears to come from a third party and not you- which can cause the interviewee to feel hostile and not as forthcoming towards the interviewer. There are other reasons to be cautious when using a negative leading question, but that covers the important points. They should really only be used when the questions can add to intellectual knowledge and debate or figuring out how the subject deals with adversity.

5. You should only give your opinion when the person being interviewed insists on knowing it. Otherwise, your opinion isn't really important in this instance. Your opinion can only help to bias the interview or even divide you from the person you are interviewing. Even when asked, the interviewer can sometimes use the words in the question to turn the interviewee back to the focus of the interview... and take the focus off of you!

6. Follow up questions are used by the historian to really get the details that you are attempting to have the interviewee provide. Ask for understanding when you feel that something is vague. However, the historian must be very careful to not make the interview feel like the subject is getting the 'third degree'. Questions should be open and indirect... without looking like you are challenging the other person. Some interviews can be fairly useless when they are completed in such a way that followup questions are not really asked.

7. Background research is so useful for a few reasons. Research ahead of time can help you to determine bias or untruthfulness in your potential interviewee. The information can help you during the interview to understand the information that you are being given, help to keep the interview 'on topic', and help you to provide 'useful' leading questions as well as memory nudges for the interviewee that is having a hard time remembering specific things/details. Background details are especially good for helping your interviewee with introspection and helping the individual remember what they 'felt' or 'thought' in the past during certain situations.

8. Approaching a friend or family member about an interview would be done differently than an interview with someone you did not know. First, you already have some rapport with the person that you have developed through your personal relationship. Ignoring your previous relationship while performing an interview would make the interview confused, stilted and any attempt to be 'neutral' would look a little ridiculous. :) However, the interviewer/historian must also carefully analyze the person that they are interviewing and modify their (the historian's) behavior and questions accordingly. Again the interview is about the information and the interviewee and not about you or your relationship with the 'interviewed'. Keeping the interview on track, easy going... but as neutral as possible and focused is the key. The interviewer needs to exercise self restraint in some instances and use rapport, empathy and neutrality to get the information that is sought.

9. Oral history is different from journalism in several ways. Oral history is the legal property of the person/interviewee and can only be used with that person's permission. Oral historians usually try to solve this problem by having a release signed when they complete the interview. Journalists rarely ask for consent to publish and as such they are less likely to get people to truly open up about sensitive personal information. As oral history usually contains such personal information, historians should make no assumptions about publication unless they have consent. Journalists also have the option to bias results in ways that oral historians should not. A journalist can use correct materials in such as way to create a bias in one direction or for political expediency. But while that is not OK for a journalist, many journalists will still do it for reasons of expediency, etc... A historian, in an ideal situation, will not allow societal bias, personal beliefs, etc... to influence the information that he is presenting. The historian will do their best to make sure that the information is as neutral and bias free as possible so that the most accurate picture will be presented. A journalist has the responsibility to report and may use personal information in a way that the person may not feel comfortable with. A historian has the responsibility to do more than just protect the source- if the information is not useful for the current public good and can cause undue injury to those involved, the historian should keep the information safe for a good number of years until the information is can be used in a way that doesn't cause a lot of damage to living people.

10. It is suggested that release forms should be simple and informal... and if you write one yourself... keep it from being legalistic. While some people think the forms should be signed before the interview... it is generally recognized that after the interview process is the best time to do so. While, after the interview you might have problems with a recalcitrant interviewee who has changed his mind, doing the signing before the interview can inhibit the person to be interviewed. Making promises to the one that is interviewed is difficult as well because it may be difficult for you to keep the promises. History can and should belong to everyone so promising that it will not is just one promise that is difficult to keep.

11. Background research itself can raise ethical issues that the historian has to deal with. When you are doing research on living people, you may discover information that is clearly confidential and private. It is important that you realize that specific permission must be gotten for releasing this information- even if you broke no laws to get it. It is very important that the historian does their best to not breach people's privacy or release information that can cause undue harm.

12. It has been mentioned that maintaining a neutral stance during an interview is hard and appears to be manipulative and dehumanizing if you perform tactical and careful planning ahead of time. The idea of neutrality is very important and should be carefully considered, but should not be taken the the other extreme which can inhibit the interview. The historian must remember that being neutral should not cause you to behave unethically or even anti-socially. Making sure that the interview situation is about the interviewee, and not about the interviewer. Keeping things confidential, being sensitive and empathetic, helps to keep the interview unbiased and truly humanistic. Neutrality should be used to gather information and not hinder the gathering... but it also should be slowly put aside if needed to increase communication and understanding by making interpretation. I hope that makes some sense.

13. When interpreting and analyzing your interview, it is important that you treat the conversation and information as serious, important information. Some historians believe that any interpretation of someone else's words is possible inappropriate and ethically challenging.... and a full transcript must be released. Others suggest that the historian, by reinterpreting the interview, puts themselves in a place of higher significance, and that releasing the interview as a full transcript is the only way that the interviewer and the interviewee are on 'the same plane'. Other say that there is always interpretation and if you assert that the interpretation of the historian is unethical, that is 'tantamount' to saying that the interview should have never taken place. I suspect what is being said is that care must be taken to be objective when attempting to interpret an interview... and that the historian should be aware of bias- especially their own.

14. The interview should be put into context if you are planning on using it for a term paper or for general consumption. One reason for this is that reading about someone you do not know can be confusing... and even boring. Most people understand that no life is perfect and is affected by the society and culture around it. So adding the history that affects the person's life is so important and makes the interview interesting and draws the attention of not only historians, but other people.

How do you know that you are ready for marriage?

A few weeks ago my teacher asked this question:

"How do you know if you are ready for marriage? Discuss this issue, and formulate some guidelines to help people decide whether they are ready to marry. How do  "The roles of forgiveness and sacrifice play in the readiness for marriage"? Please include some of the material from Olson in your answer."

This question really made me think. The next four paragraphs are my crafted response:

I guess my first thoughts to this question is does anyone ever really know if they are ready for marriage? At least in my case, you can do everything you think you need to to be ready for marriage and then realize after-wards.... that you were totally not ready. It seems a lot easier to see things and problems in other people than in yourself and so deciding if you are mature enough for marriage is really easy for someone who is immature and doesn't really know that they are immature. To know whether you are ready or not, you first need to know what you need to be ready... which requires that you actually know what you need to know. I think that can be a hard topic. I did put the question out to a few friends and one friend had an awesome answer that I will post here:

"Egad. My first line of thoughts was about choosing a suitable partner, but that isn't what you're asking.  The first time I married, I was crazy in love.  I don't recall giving much thought to long-term ramifications, but I was a lot younger then, too.  We'd been living together for two years already, so the day-to-day stuff had already been resolved. We were married three weeks after he proposed.

When I agreed to marry my current cohabitation partner, I thought it over a lot more.  In fact, he had to wait almost two years from when he first broached the subject to when I agreed.  This time, I gave a lot of thought to what partnership with him would be like, and what I would need to compromise, and whether I was capable of those compromises.  I think I'm a lot more realistic this time around.  I also go into it knowing that, if the marriage fails, I'll be able to take care of myself emotionally.  I think it's important to not get married because you want somebody to take care of you for the rest of your life, in any aspect.  It's nice if they do, but if that's why you're getting married, you're setting yourself up for disappointment.  Nobody is responsible for me but me.  So I guess I feel more ready this time, if also more cynical."

I think that forgiveness is such an important thing to do and be able to do. If you hold a 'tally' of the person's wrongs up all the time (even if it is only in your own mind), it will eventually overload your marriage- my thoughts here. It's hard to stay in love with someone if you are always focused on the negative aspects of your partner and his/her potential 'mistakes' and 'mistreatment'. Grudges also harm you internally- how can you love others if you have anger in your 'self' and how can you love yourself if you are crowding out that love with anger and frustration and even hatred. Also sacrifice is important because each of us will want others to sometimes let us have what we need. Sometimes to give us what we need, we are asking others to give up wants or even put off their own needs because we feel 'ours' need to take precedence. That can be walking a fine line... but sacrifice can help a couple to stay sturdy and show support for each other and their needs so that both individuals feel truly cared for and supported... not walked on.

After a few weeks, I still feel fairly strongly about my response. What has your experience been? If you had been asked the original question that I entered above, how would you answer it? Please share! :)

Something that matters....

So, today I got so much done. Frankly, I never thought that I could get tired of history.... but after looking at census forms for two straight days, I think I found my limit! :) I came home tired, with a headache, but just pleased at getting that assignment done and recognizing that with all the problems that I have I am still doing OK with this extra work. I pretty much was able to eat and just felt no energy for anything.

When I went out to do the chores tonight, I was walking towards the birdhouse to help the ducks in when I felt a slight breeze on my left shoulder and I turned my head- in time to see my beautiful cat disappearing under the car. I still have no idea what made me do it- what intuition or vision I saw in my peripheral vision that I still cannot 'see' in my mind. However, I turned and walked right over to the car and then I grabbed Jeeves by the tail and scooped him out by his tummy. And there hanging from his mouth was a bird. My first thought was a mixture of pure frustration and sorrow -after all he doesn't eat them....he just kills them and the sorrow of watching such a beautiful creature die just hurts. They are so beautiful, delicate creatures... I held his scruff and saw the bird fall to the ground- wings splayed, beak open in a perpetual hyperventilation and eyes of a deepest black. But tonight... it was different. A happy ending loomed!

As I slowly picked up the bird and cradled it in my palm, it stood, shook for a second, made a small vocalization and flew away. His flight was erratic and he stood on top of the yurt for a few seconds- almost as if he just needed to catch his bearings and then he was gone. And as I felt my wonderful cat, that friend of my heart Jeeves cry his anger and strike at my ankle- I laughed... a deep joyful, ecstatic laugh for the one who got away. For the one who is able to live for another day. For the joy, relief and blessing that tonight something I did mattered- really, truly mattered. Instant gratification!

I do things everyday that matter- but rarely am I placed in a way to save a life and tonight... I think I will sleep well! :)

1994

“I don't know all the answers but I'll do my best to live up to the rising that won't let me rest” - Jason Deere

The other day I was listening to a radio show while driving to an appointment that discusses current topics and situations over the globe. I was listening while they talked about the situation in Darfur. Over the last few years I wished I could do something about it, anything.... just as long as it would help someone. But I have allowed my life and my problems to keep me distracted. I have allowed my life to pull me along and whisper softly in my ear - “ You are too busy..., You need help...,You have so much to do...., You cannot survive if you try to do more..., etc...” So I pray for these people... and I do nothing. While some would say that a prayer is better than nothing, a prayer rarely feed the starving and saves the malnourished. It rarely stands as a shield in front of the gun and the knife of a person fills with hatred, ignorance, and free agency. I had kidded myself or at least convinced myself that I was doing all that I could. But then I listened to this radio program.

I listened to these beautiful women talk about a world of people like me. People who allow bad things to happen and do nothing. People who even in small ways could have done something and still do nothing. I will admit that the more I listened the more I felt the hot prickles of shame. I pulled over to the side of the road and just sat there and cried. My own problems, the problems that I feel are so overwhelming, painful and so difficult that I can't get past them seemed so small... so insignificant... and yes, even the big ones seemed almost petty.

Then one of the women mentioned the Rwandan massacre. She mentioned that she didn't know it was going on at the time it happened because she was young and 'busy'. So she did nothing because she knew nothing- not one inkling that it was going on. She then mentioned that she hadn't been busy with anything really important in 1994. And for a brief moment I could not breath. I had always thought that this massacre happened when I was a baby or a young girl. As a historian (OK, I only pretend to be a historian), I have focused so much on prehistory, the beginnings of history and then the beginning of medieval times. I have focused on certain countries and certain people and the things that have caught my fancy. My history knowledge mostly ends at WWII. Yes, I can name US presidents and some of what each of them have done. I can mention some stuff like the Cold War and the Berlin Wall and can converse on a semi- intelligent and informed basis on them. That's about it though. But I was an adult in 1994. I was graduating from high school and finding a place to live. I was ditching school, getting good grades, performing in theater both in and out of school, and desperately trying to hold myself together. I was working three jobs, trying to control the anger and sorrow I felt towards my parents and my upbringing. I had met my future husband and was embarking on a career path that would change my life. And at the same time, approx 800,000 people were dying- hacked to death. And I knew nothing and I did nothing. For over one million people, that was a year that cannot be forgotten. They lost their family, their health, their security and their lives. It is estimated that twenty percent of the population died. What would it have been like to be part of the other eighty percent? I can't fathom. I sit here and write this and try... and I just can't. Not knowing seems like such a lousy excuse for failing to do something...even something small. But I cannot blame myself alone. Almost no one did anything to stop this. I am an American. I have been told by my media and by my church so many times that I live in God's favored land... that I am so blessed to live in the best country in the world. That we are a superpower and the “world's policemen” and yet... we did nothing. Nothing at all.

For the last several years, I have believed in a quote I heard in some of my early medical education classes – 'With knowledge comes responsibility'. Well, I can do nothing about what happened in Rwanda. But I am alive now. I have hands that are strong and willing to work... and Darfur is still happening. So far, almost 3 million people have died. People are dying daily from sickness, malnutrition, trauma. And it appears in some ways that they are the lucky ones. They no longer have to worry about seeing their children kills in front of their eyes. They no longer have to fear rape and pain. They no longer have to fear death. Those who are still alive and pray probably ask for many things... I wonder if they pray for the opportunity to live for another day. This conflict began in 2003 and is still going on.... Almost half a million people are displaced and driven from their homes with no where to go.

I drove to my appointment, completed it, and returned to my car. I made a promise to myself and Heavenly Father that I would do something. I have a family, a son who needs me and no money. My health is also shaky. Coming up with something I could do that would be meaningful- even if it was only meaningful to the Father and me in the sense that my contribution would be too small to make a difference on its own. It would be meaningful because I made it... because I did something... and because if enough of us did something, it would make a difference. So what could I do?

I started hunting in my spare moments. My blackberry never seemed to leave my hand. It followed me to the bathroom, to the dinner table... frankly I was hard pressed to put it down while driving. But here is what I found.

1. China is a business partner with Sudan. Because of this relationship, the UN Security Council is unable to pass any resolution that actually causes Sudan hardship- China will not allow it.

2. The leaders of the countries in this world have a lousy notion of sovereignty (usually defined as the idea that a country can do whatever it wants within its own borders. That notion can clearly be allowed to go too far.

So, I decided to try and not buy anything made in China. I doubt anyone will notice. I have noticed because it has already caused me some problems. I was just getting ready to purchased some plastic storage bins and a filing cabinet. I can't- I cannot seem to find any anywhere in this country that have not been made in China. Reading packaging on things that are not food is a new tasks for me. But I am determined to figure it out. Do I think that I will be perfect at this? No. I am sure that I will make compromises for something that I truly feel we need and can't find anywhere else. But I am determined. It doesn't feel like enough, but I think it is a start...

If you have read this post, you now have the knowledge. With knowledge comes responsibility. We as a human race but also Heavenly Father's beloved children have a responsibility, nae, an obligation to do something! What will you do?

Why Is a Raven Like a Writing Desk?.......

So many things in life are unexpected. As much as we plan ahead for what we want in our lives, we can never truly plan for everything unexpected that can happen. This last month brought a blessing and an irritant that I think had really important life lessons for me attached. It brought Edgar.

I am not really sure when Edgar truly 'arrived'. And I think it was a while before we as a family realized that it was the same bird that was hanging out in the yard... and that it was truly hanging out and not just a casual visitor. He was beautiful and sleek and just handsome bird- raven I think. Cocky and self assured, he would visit the chicken's bowl, drink from the duck 'pond' and hang out with the donkey. Two weeks later, Bug managed to trick him and was actually able to pick him up. Edgar promptly bit Bug's ear with his two inch long bill. To give Bug credit, he didn't let go of the bird- he just yelled until I made the raven let go. Watching the raven for a few days, I really felt that there was nothing really 'wrong' with him, but his acceptance of human proximity as well as two other problems did finally convince me that he does have a problem. So the last 'problem'- when he ended up in a fight with a few chickens and was clearly losing and not really able to fight- to me was the last straw. I entered the fight and scooped him up and with my family's help locked him up with food in our goose house. I then stripped off all my clothing and took the coldest shower that I have had in a long time in my front yard as he was covered with mites and so I, in turn, was also.

That evening I started research – the fact that he was covered in vermin absolutely terrified me. I have come to see that as a sign of a pretty, pretty sick being. All I could find was information on rabies and West Nile Virus- both of which he clearly didn't fit the signs or symptoms of. I had called a few days before to a bird sanctuary called 'Birds Acre' and had not received a call back so today I was a little more insistent and spoke with one of their volunteers (Ralph). He was awesome and seemed very knowledgeable. After speaking with him, he thought that it might be better for me to call a place called 'Avian Haven' so I did. The experience was so different. I spoke with the manager Diane who neatly ignored my questions and very quickly made arrangements to have Edgar leave and go to their facility. What I found interesting was that I truly sensed that she really wanted what she felt was right for the bird, but her communication and immediate dismissal of my concerns really left me feeling very uncomfortable sending him there. I spent more time talking with Ralph at Birds Acre and we agreed to work together with a veterinarian and their staff to help Edgar. When I told Diane about my decision to place Edgar at Birds Acre, her response was pretty bad. Our whole conversation was filled with guilt ridden controlling sentences- “You've chosen to send him where? Why ever would you make such a bad decision?”, or “Well, if you are OK with him slowly starving to death you can do that”. By the time I got off the phone with her I was pretty firmly convinced that I had made the right choice. Avian Haven sounds like a phenomenal place, but if the individuals that work there can't develop people skills, I think very few people who are genuinely concerned about a bird will send for them. I know that I can't imagine trying to work with them again and certainly can't in good conscience recommend them. (I later found out that many people have had the same exact complaint about Avian Haven which I find really, really sad.... how do they get donations to help the birds if they put so many people off?)

So “Edgar Allen Crow”- as my husband has named him from a past literary reference -(will be changed to Lenore is Edgar is a girl) has a big day ahead of him tomorrow between a vet visit and a trip to Birds Acre. The blessings we have received are several fold. We have had the amazing opportunity to look at a raven and study it closely over the last few weeks. We were able to use him for homeschooling lessons for Brock and ourselves (what does he eat, does he need this?, etc...) I have felt some gratification that I am pleasing Heavenly Father because I am taking the time to care for his creature who needs help. And I have never really been in the position of having to make a decision that means (quite literally life or death) to another person or animal. Yes, I am a parent and make very important decisions everyday that will affect my son's living. But the responsibility to research and make the right choice for this beautiful animal that needed my help was something I haven't had often. I have rarely had to have an animal put down – they have died in their sleep or something else has happened. The choice as to whether they lived or died in most instances was taken out of my hands. The weight of this responsibility gave me the courage to advocate on Edgar's behalf to a very intimidating person- that is, sticking to my decision in the face of ridicule, guilt induction, and threats is not my strong suit or something that I am good at. I managed to do it though which is a big deal for me. I also managed to not get angry- which is really amazing for me right now.

So I am going to sleep tonight feeling the satisfaction that I have done the right thing for my new friend Edgar. I am hoping that between the vet and the bird rehabilitation place, he will be able to be released into the wild again soon- his family' tends to hang out daily in the trees... they haven't abandoned him even though he is hurt or sick. (Keep your fingers crossed that the vet will not cost too, too much.) We are helping him in the least invasive way we could find in the hopes that he could keep his life, his dignity, and his home and family. I think we have done the impossible in the sense that while the title of this post is unsolvable and has been since Lewis Carroll wrote it, I have taken the improbable task of helping Edgar and I have managed to get it started myself. I did it thoughtfully and did not allow myself to be bullied or pushed into a decision that felt wrong. Stay tuned- I am hoping that he will be able to fly away in the next few weeks.... so lets see what happens...