Notice

I gave notice at work today. It felt very brave as I do not have another sure fire job lined up and in some ways quiting can be seen as a pretty stupid move without something else in the bag. I must confess the feeling of relief and peace I feel is pretty overwhelming. It's a mark of how bad things are when you tell your boss that you are leaving and his first words are "You can't do that - we love you! What did we do to you..." That is such an interesting way of responding- control, need, and then acknowledgment that the environment is so poor I must be leaving due to poor treatment. And he's not wrong... I am. It took a few hours to really sink in for him and at one point he asked if I was really serious I must be kidding (I'm not). In the end, I tentatively agreed to stay per diem for a few weeks and see how that goes, but I think my heart is already gone. I love Lily and Sara and Toni and Jane- I have some amazing co-workers- but the damaging culture is just too much. The peace I feel with making the decision even though this decision will create more trials for me is profound. I am so grateful for the ability and opportunity to kneel in prayer and discuss my concerns and to feel heard most of the time... even when I do not like the answers. I am not totally sure how I am going to move forward right now... or at least I haven't pinpointed a firm direction and focus. But I am content with my current choice so let's see where it leads me... and celebrate with french fries (doesn't everyone? :D )

On a silly note, I enjoyed my Valentine's day with my kitties very much and there was much love all around. There is much to be thankful for.

2014 Poetry Corner # 4 - "The Unexpected Change"

Relief, sweeping relief
the surprising news comes
My heart feels lighter, suspended
the fear is dissolving, the air more clear
Tears pour down with gratitude
Nothing has changed... just one small tweak
yet the whole world is righted
moving forward feels possible, even doable

Thank you, Father... thanks for hearing
the prayer I didn't dare dream … or whisper

An Unexpected Smile ... :)

So, another thing that I have totally been able to enjoy this winter came to me through a fluke and through the generosity (or laziness, I'm not sure which) of the previous tenant in my cabin. When he left, he didn't take quite a few pieces of furniture with him including a couch and a large barbeque grill – he also left a bobcat head skin too. :/ The couch was removed in pieces with the help of some good friends and placed in my front yard for future removal and I left the barbeque grill sitting outside right next to my porch. I have been concentrating more about getting moved in and settled than I have been worrying about my lawn or outdoor aesthetics.

One thing I have learned from living in the woods over the last decade is that nature doesn’t waste and many animals can adapt to our presence in their space and environment. And so a few weeks after I moved in, I opened the top lid of the barbeque grill to find not only what was left of the bobcat head, but what at first glance looked like the head itself had exploded outward. For the first few seconds, it looked like a brain that had curdled and in the taunt pressure of a sealed container that finally gives up under the insistence of the need for relief... white and cream and fluff and wet. After two quick blinks, I realized that what I was actually seeing was cotton stuffing from the couch I had so callously thrown into the front yard. That cotton batting along with the cat pelt had been shaped into an oval like ball... a warm and snug home. And as I watched, I discovered the occupants.

Within a few seconds, two mice peaked out of their nest (the eye holes in the pelt were their doors. :O ) and after a brief thought, I quickly walked away after shutting the lid. As it was getting cold, I didn’t want the mice to feel like they had to move and find a new place to live. I felt like I had been given an expected gift... one that I knew was there, but I couldn’t focus on too much... a quiet joy that I could hold close to my heart. Over the last month I have checked on them about once a week and have even made them a few small meals. It has been really fun! It's such a blessing to see: two small animals trying to survive in the world and being chased out of the house on the eve of winter. They quickly made plans and decide on a safe new place. And over a few days, they work- each one moving from the grill to the couch and ripping pieces of its stuffing into chunks and then hauling them back to the grill... having to climb up wood walls but also leap to the chimney to actually get back into the grill. Over time, they still seem comfortable and I know longer see the gruesome image that I originally saw when I opened the lid. Bug likes to look in on his visits and the mice look healthy and in good cheer. Sometimes its the small, unexpected things that not only give us a smile, but keep it on our face. And these two small creatures are doing that for me. I see their survival as a talisman against the cold and the darkness that comes this time of year. So, smile. For the Father even watches over the mice in his fields... so he watches over us!

2012 Poetry Corner # 4 : Simply Let Go

To not forgive is to be burned
Hung on a spit of emotional fire
Your pain becomes willful
Relief appears unattainable








Over time, your soul becomes a shell
A hollow, bitter place
I do not want this for myself
My spirit yearns for freedom


Peace is slow to come
But it will come
If I will but ask
If I will but try
If I can… simply let go

2012 Poetry Corner #2 : Freedom

There is a peace in being free
A stillness I have never known
The opportunity to be
Still, silent, aware





There is confusion in being free
So much I do know know
This isn't where I thought I'd be
Old, tired, alone







There is a grief in being free
My soul feels battered and bruised
But loss brings opportunity
Slow, sure, divine





There is a relief in being free
I can chose my own way
What I do is up to me
Whims, promptings, choice





There is stability in being free
For my schedule is almost my own
What the future holds, I cannot see
Change, clarity, being



So soon I will be free
And I will own what's left
May I move on and clearly see
Joy, possibility, love

Orthostatic Highs

I have never understood why people would take drugs/ alcohol for a momentary high. There are so many natural ways to find a high. (I will admit that I do not know how similar the 'highs' are) Good exercise will create that high and give you other health benefits as well. The joys of service can give me a high that can last a few hours. Being able to help someone and seeing the joy in their face and posture or even the gratitude and relief is a marvelous experience. I won't pretend that I am getting enough good exercise and I am struggling with my volunteering lately, but a few times a week I have an experience which will give me a high for about a full minute. I am totally having orthostatic problems these days.

For those who are not sure what I am talking about, our bodies can experience sudden blood pressure changes based on movement- usually with the blood pressure falling several points. And this is the experience that I am really starting to discover. It's actually an amazing experience. The longest 'spell' that I have had happened to me this morning, although I will admit that these spells are happening several times a week. This morning, I woke up and stood up from my blankets and, within a moment, my head was spinning. I couldn't see anything but a vision of almost gray sparkly glitter as seen through a kaleidoscope and my knees buckled and I collapsed back onto the bed. Thought becomes extremely difficult and my hearing is impaired. I sensed the dismay of the cats and I felt Jeeves climb up onto my chest as Achilles begin to poke his nose in my face, but I couldn't actually see them or really hear them if they were making noise. I just end up lying there feeling an immense rush of almost peace and slight joy. One of the few thoughts that can seem to get through is a feeling of almost relief and that I wouldn't mind if the feeling stayed longer- although a minute is usually the maximum that it lasts. Today as I started to move my head and attempt to sit up I had a strange thought- “If this is dying, it really isn't so bad.” The thought was a little scary but also made me smile. I am learning so much in this life and I know that my life is in the Father's hands. I must try to care for my body and pray to know His will. I must also learn more trust, even in this period of my life where all trust is difficult. Trust towards the Father and what his plans are for me, trust in friends, and trust in myself.

There are so many that do so much and harm themselves in so many ways to find ways to numb their sorrow, to care for the mental health problems that they face. Some are running from past experiences and some know of no other life. The adversity that many experience in this life can be so much that I marvel that I experience so much less than they. I marvel that they struggle on and do their best... and know that my best wouldn't be as good as their actions on a daily basis. My heart problems are holding steady and these orthostatic problems serve to remind me of the blessings that I have and to help me to feel if only for a few moments the sensations of peace and relief. There are really much worse challenges in life. And a few moments of forced mindfulness... to just lay there and feel myself and my physical presence... I will admit, I do find these things to be a small blessing indeed.