Professional Participation Activity at the Birchwood Living Center

This is a paper I wrote on my experience last April of spending eight hours interviewing and learning about different ways of working to educate adult students with disabilities. It has been heavily edited for privacy concerns. I absolutely fell in love with this facility and I am grateful for the time I spent there. Without further ado, here it is. :)


Throughout this class we have discussed the many ways that education happens and how diverse challenges can be addressed to promote social parity and learning advancement in students. Our classwork has focused on school age individuals, public education, and uses and access to literature as many of us hope to work in the public education system. I was interested in how nursing or primarily medical facilities dealt with trying to stimulate and educate older individuals. After some research and discussion, I chose to observe and participate with teaching at the Birchwood Living Center located in Ellsworth, Maine. It is a program under the management of Yesterday’s Children, Inc. and is an inpatient nursing facility for individuals with intellectual disabilities and unique medical needs. The residential program can accept up to 15 clients at a time and the facility caters to all their medical, dietary, and educational needs. The clients that I observed in this facility were varied in diagnoses and medical needs, however, many were non-verbal and limited in many aspects of physical expression/ movement due to their specific disabilities.

I visited this facility on two separate occasions and participated in a few different activities- I will focus on day treatment and on understanding how this facility addressed the educational needs of its clients as well as the individuals specific medical needs that impact educational success (occupational therapy, sensory integration), as well as physical health.
All inpatients attend the Day Treatment program in a nearby building and this is where most of the group activities happen. A ratio of four staff members to eleven clients is maintained and it is this that makes this particular facility very different from other facilities who might care only for immediate medical needs. Clients are removed at different times from the group to complete some forms of therapy. I watched as a large group of clients was seated around a table making some get well cards for missing staff members. Some members were in regular chairs and some in specialized chairs while one slouched forward nearby wearing a helmet for their protection from potential falls. The majority of the physical work- picking up stickers and sticking onto card paper, bending, folding etc.- was completed by support staff. I observed questions and choices of stickers and designs asked by staff to different members of the group and eventual choices were made based on feedback received from group members. I am not knowledgeable enough to recognize how each member’s level of attention was focused. What I did observe was that I could start a conversation with someone, give them a marker or a pen, and suggest drawing, and I would get appropriate physical responses to my requests- a name written, a picture scribbled together. I rarely got verbal responses; if I did they were not usually words, but laughs, shrieks, and other noises. It was very apparent that the staff members could interpret correctly what was being said even if it was not clear to me; I still feel a bit of awe and wonder from watching that. I saw no behavioral difficulties that were out of the norm for each person- for some clients, aggression or self-abuse are common to their diagnoses and it is watched and redirected when appropriate.

Each individual who was removed from the group for therapy was removed for only a short time to a side room with a worker. Therapy available includes occupational and physical therapy to help promote functionality, mobility, and fitness for these individuals- many of whom are confined to specialized chairs due to poor physical independence. I watched therapy given to promote relaxation and encourage muscle use and development as well as sensory processing. Sometimes it was obvious that the person didn’t have any interest in participating in their therapy that day and they would make that abundantly clear in both physical and verbal ways. Redirection was kind and thoughtful and modifications in materials were sometimes made to achieve compliance without complaint. It is not required that all individuals must be in the group the whole time and I observed some patients removing themselves from the group for periods of time for their own comfort or privacy. Even with these wanderings (which were quietly supervised), it seemed that full inclusion was achieved to the best of each individual’s ability to participate.

As a potential future educator, I found this facility to be well- organized and primed to do the very best they can to help their clients progress in all aspects of their lives. Aspects of successful classroom activities were easily discernible in most parts of the facility: student pictures, artwork, and statements of patient rights were hanging on all public walls; teaching and therapy aids were easily seen and accessed; the day treatment facility has lots of natural light and appropriate ambient temperatures. There are areas for individual and group meetings, instruction, or medical or physical needs that are easily accessible. I also appreciated the other modifications that I saw all over the facility – such as color and areas for personal belongings- to attempt to soften the harshness and institutional flavor of what is an inpatient, residential facility- a difficult feat to achieve and not one that the center fully accomplished as evidenced by the obvious signs of institutional care and not home living. I look forward to learning more about this facility and its role in my community through future interactions.

Analysis of the Article : “Neurodiversity: The Future of Special Education”

This post is an analysis of an education article titled “Neurodiversity: The Future of Special Education”. You can find a link to the original article here. The following is a thoughtful response that I wrote for a small audience and I thought I would share it here.

Special Education is a topic that is near and dear to my heart as I know several individuals and families that depend on its services to educate their children. While laws require that schools offer and fund these services to students, how they are offered and performed can vary greatly in schools; even schools in the same district can have widely varied programs available. Some schools may even choose to flout the laws requiring special education and parents are forced to start lawsuits to achieve any services as all. One thing that seems consistent in schools over the country is how special education and those students who need it are viewed: students with disabilities are seen as having problems and weaknesses and those who need special education are not as intelligent or as able as ‘normal’ students. These viewpoints with their emphasis on disability, dysfunction, and other negative connotations that go hand in hand with them can cause resignation and a negative outlook in students and families for their future prospects. Thomas Armstrong brings a fresh perspective on special education and how the perspectives and viewpoints of teachers and schools can and should change to facilitate better learning, the development of programs that support a ‘whole person’ growth, and to develop positive perspectives and momentum both in scholarship and individual growth.

In his article titled “Neurodiversity: The Future of Special Education”, Armstrong states that the ways special education programs are currently developed and understood by its practitioners needs to change in several key ways. He suggests that schools and educators recognize the neurodiversity of students as a positive trait to be honored and respected just as with other human diversity traits such as race, gender identity, religion, etc. While current programs for exceptional education tends to emphasize a student’s deficits and strengths, he believes that a new approach should be developed that emphasizes the students’ strengths (such as what currently happens for gifted or talented students.) Some formal assessments to help determine a students’ strengths are the VIA Character Strengths, Virtues, Dunn and Dunn Learning Style Assessments, and the Baron-Welsh Art Scale. Informal assessments that are currently available for educators to utilize for additional information on learning strengths is the Neurodiversity Strengths Checklist, “strength chats” as devised by Epstein (2008), and motivational interviewing. This emphasis on positive talents should then be used to build on the students’ strengths and minimize their weakest areas by utilizing workarounds to help students manage both academic and nonacademic challenges without allowing their disability to hinder them. According to Armstrong, this approach is very different than current special education services where students are taught how to live with their disability instead of working to overcome it.

Another key component of Armstrong’s suggested neurodiversity acceptance is that all students in classrooms need to be taught about the intrinsic worth of human variation and neurological diversity. By educating all students on how the human brain works, how environment shapes brain structure and function, and that all students have a capacity for learning, the expectations of everyone involved in the special education system would change. Some research studies suggest that when teachers expect positive outcomes from their students, academic results usually improve. Also, inclusion would be more effective as learning diversified students would be viewed more as assets in the classroom rather than a difficulty or burden. As a side benefit, if students are taught to respect and embrace neurodiversity, students who learn or act differently are more likely be accepted by their peer groups and less likely to be marginalized or bullied. If implemented, the author’s recommendations have a significant potential to change the way special education is understood and provided to students as well as positive implications for both individual and community development.

This article has several strengths. The author discussed traditional methods of special education and compares and contrasts these methods with his recommendations. He includes research that supports his conclusions and also addresses some of the challenges that would need to be overcome to implement them. He suggests assessments that are currently available to educators to help determine student strengths so that they can be used to facilitate a learner in knowledge attainment. He states that educators who start to utilize these methods will have positive feelings for the children they teach who have learning weaknesses and that these positive feelings will translate into strength manipulation to help students recognize and work to overcome the learning areas in which they are weak. Armstrong’s work can be used for students that have been shunted into special education to help create IEPs that truly look at the student as a whole person and not just a list of ‘things to check off.’

One weakness that the article has is the author’s use of polarity language. He uses language to discuss his thesis and special education in ways that is inherently divisive. His recommendations are littered with language that radiates positivity: growth mindset, nuance, creating, thrive, transformation, assets, etc. However, the language used to describe the current system is very different: deficit, disorder, dysfunction, negative connotations, insular, remediation, burdens, etc. I do not disagree necessarily with his word choices as they do allow him to discuss his research with readers and work to motivate educators into implementing his stated program. However, I worry that the language used may turn off some of the very people that are needed to implement the changes suggested. Another weakness is that the author doesn’t address funding needs to implement his changes. Armstrong acknowledges that both educators and parents may fear the process of funding special education for children if disabilities are viewed more positively- it is the use of terms such as disability and dysfunction that make that funding currently available. If his recommendations are put into normal usage, would the funding dry up? I think that it is quite understandable to worry about this aspect as, even with protections for funding that are required by law, these regulations are still held in contempt by some schools and school districts. Armstrong suggests a way to protect current funding under the system by continuing to use the traditional methods of determining disability and dysfunction that will open the door to special education services. Educators would then try to discard the ‘disability mindset’ after initial diagnosis and use the recommendations stated above to motivate and teach their students. However, Armstrong does not suggest how to get the funding to utilize his recommendations in the classroom. He recognizes the financial problems that are conceivable if special education funding becomes restricted, but he doesn’t offer any ideas as to how to use that funding for development of similar programing in schools. At one point in the article, Armstrong gives suggestions for educators to utilize his research; schools in specified districts working together to integrate his research, promoting school wide ‘fairs’ for students on neurodiversity, and hiring a neurodiversity coordinator to help monitor the changes put into place. Where is the funding for these extra services going to be found? Will it take away services that are already in place for students? Will funding for a coordination for a school district make funding dry up for special education teachers in different schools in the district? It is really hard to know and the author has not addressed that at all.

As stated above, I would really like to understand how this research can be funded and put into common usage. As a mother of a child with a few learning disorders, I see a potential benefit for using Armstrong’s research for changing the way that school deal with and teach individuals with disabilities. As neurotypical students also have many different ways of learning, it seems correct to believe that all students may need some help for success in the classroom. As such, it seems reasonable that educators who recognize the differences between a “disability paradigm” and a “diversity paradigm” would be able to quickly modify the ways that they provide services to their students. I would like to have a better understanding of how best to help ‘change perspectives’, both in educators and parents to see a more positive yet realistic outcome for their children. I would also like to know exactly how accessible the student strengths assessments are to educators and whether there are fees or other hurdles to ease of use. As the most clear cut assessment mentioned- the Neurodiversity Strengths checklist- was developed by the author, I would want to understand what financial benefits he might enjoy from this product. (This could also be seen as another weakness in the article as it might be more of a sales pitch depending on what benefits the author stands to gain.) Also, Armstrong mentioned some ways of modifying lessons to help students with learning differences achieve better results from their students. However, every modification he mentioned suggests to me that the students he is thinking of would have two specific traits; at least normal intelligence as defined by current special education assessments and their education would be provided by a decently funded educational system. I would be curious to see what modifications that he would recommended for individuals of less than normal intelligence scores (forms of mental retardation) or for individuals who attend schools with significant funding issues that can’t afford to purchase specialized software, virtual reality applications, etc. I could not tell if Armstrong had studied the ramifications of working with students who display significant physical, mental, or learning challenges when developing his views and conducting his research as this information was not mentioned. I would really like to know how his theories work and can be used across the whole spectrum of students and not just a majority.

I can see several ways that Armstrong’s research can be used in practical settings in schools. For schools districts and educators that are able to see their students from the perspective of student strengths over weakness, teaching and inclusion could become more specific for each student- even in larger classes. Currently, inclusion of special education students in mainstream classrooms can make teachers feel overwhelmed and they can view these students as a distraction or encumbrance to themselves and the others students. Any perspective that helps teachers to see the good in the children they teach and give them a desire to help all students perform at their best regardless of ability is an essential part of true classroom inclusion. As Armstrong mentioned in this article, when teachers view particular students negatively, other students may develop the same attitude towards those students. This can lead to bullying, ostracizing, and other negative consequences towards special education students which can create an unsafe school situation for all participants.

One way that this research can be applied is to provide a more specific emphasis in equality in the school environment. By helping students to learn with the strengths that they have, it should create an environment that doesn’t stratify as easily among financial and perceived intellectual lines. I suspect there will always be some form of social class functionality in a school- there will always be a student who is always last to be picked for team sports for example- but helping to minimize those aspects in classrooms by creating more equal opportunities for learning should be very helpful for helping students to prepare for their future. Teachers who are able to take the time to understand both the weaknesses and strengths of the children that they teach can take that knowledge into the mainstream classroom to create an inclusive learning environment that holds realistic and high standards for all student participants. These actions as performed by teachers conform to the recommended guidelines in the InTASC Model Core Teaching Standards; specifically, Standard #2 titled Learning Differences.

I also think that teachers that encourage students to utilize learning by tapping into their strengths are teachers that affected students will work harder to achieve for. At the beginning of this class, almost all learners mentioned a specific teacher that made a difference in their lives and all of those teachers had one thing in common. That commonality was that each student felt the teacher’s sincere desire and support for the student’s educational growth . When each of us feel cared for and developed a strong bond with that teacher, we worked harder and achieved more because our success was no longer just for us, but also to cement the relationship that had been previously created between teacher and pupil. Not all teachers feel inspired or have any desire to develop that kind of deep relationship with their students, but all anecdotal evidence provided in class suggests that teachers who create positive circles of communications and a unique relationship with each student do create significant knowledge growth and more positive outlooks for these students. I suspect that teachers who are willing and desire to create these tight bonds with students will also desire to provide the student what they need to succeed. If so, that extra time or service will not feel so strongly like a burden to be endured, but a challenge to overcome; a slight difference in viewpoint, but one ripe with better outcomes.

I found myself very interested in Amstrong’s research and I am happy that my library search brought it to light. I thought the article well written and provided many opportunities for thought and opportunities for more research. I can think of several ways that this information could be utilized in a classroom and I hope that these particular recommendations are incorporated into the traditional special education programs that are currently functioning in schools locally and across the country. I would be interested in seeing how these techniques work in the typical classroom and within the resources currently available to rural schools. I look forward to more research to suggest whether this program is optimal for most students.

Any thoughts on both the articles and it's topic? An experience that you wish to share? I'm eager to hear if anyone has first hand experiences with this program and it's implementation....

The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time: A Review

Our protagonist, Christopher John Francis Boone, is our eyes and ears in this heart-rending tale of mystery, deceit and disability. Written in journal form, this novel tells the reader about Christopher as he attempts to solve a mysterious death of a dog and, through those investigations, discovers more about himself and the people in his life than he ever imagined.

This book begins with Christopher’s discovery of his neighbor’s poodle, who has been murdered; he discovers the dog bleeding on the ground with a pitchfork through its body. The reader then learns that Christopher lives alone with his father, that his mother is dead, that one of his neighbors has gone missing as well, and that he attends a special school where he does very well at math and is hoping to take A levels at some point. Determined to discover who killed his neighbor’s dog, he starts a journal to write down the clues he finds and to keep better track of the things he is thinking. While he is casually questioning the neighbors, one neighbor admits that Christopher’s mother had an affair with someone else from the neighborhood and, as Christopher continues to investigate, he learns that his father has lied to him- his father not only killed the dog, but he learns that his mother is actually still alive and is living in London with the missing neighbor. These discoveries are so hard on him that he runs away after a confrontation with his father and manages, with much luck and difficulty, to make it to his mother’s apartment. The story ends with Christopher’s father trying to regain lost trust and his mother single again with all parties trying to figure out how to live with and understand each other.

This novel is steeped in the challenges inherent in the lives of individuals with high functioning autism and/or Asperger’s syndrome: A pervasive developmental disorder in which the affected individual displays unusual nonverbal communication, difficulties with empathy and understanding the emotions of others, and other mental and physical symptoms. This particular book has many potential uses for a general education teacher. A teacher can use the texts to discuss different ways of thinking in general and autism in particular. Discussion of emotions, how they are expressed, and how we as individuals ‘read’ people’s emotions is also possible. As the protagonist writes the ‘story’ in journal form, creative writing about the students’ own lives could be encouraged as well. (One assignment could be for the student to write about how they would end the story after only reading the first two chapters. Another option could be writing about what metaphors are and why they can be confusing to someone with a logical mind.) Discussions of math and maps would also be relevant and assignments meant to enhance a student’s knowledge of these subjects would be worthwhile.

Giving this novel an overall rating is a bit challenging, but I finally settled on four stars. This book does several things very well: the protagonist is rather sweet and engaging and the reader finds themselves anxious to follow him through his life. We genuinely worry about him even though Christopher probably wouldn’t be able to acknowledge our concerns. The novel’s prose manages to let the characters express their emotions clearly even though the anger, fear, sadness, and frustration are never explicitly articulated. Through the actions and journal entries shared by Christopher, the reader is able to casually absorb information about Asperger’s syndrome and some of the challenges it can cause for individuals who live with this particular disability. The novel is well- written and the plot feels fairly flawless and begs us to understand and be patient with our protagonist as he navigates his challenges. However, while the written and sometimes strong language brings about positive reflection and understanding of the story, it also can turn off a reader and make it more challenging for some individuals to be willing to complete the book. The adult themes are appropriate- Christopher is 15 years old, after all- but these themes can also offend the reader or invite censorship. While this book is meant for young adults, its themes and plotline can be quite challenging for any reader including adults. This book has won awards for its storytelling including the Guardian Children’s Fiction Prize, Costa Book of the Year, the Boeke Prize, and the Waverton Good Read Award. I highly recommend this well-written novel by Mark Haddon for mature young adults and older students for an entertaining and educational read.

pictures from: http://www.benjaminmadeira.com/2014/09/analysis-haddon-mark.html, https://www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/theatre-dance/features/heads-up-the-curious-incident-of-the-dog-in-the-night-time-7856401.html, https://www.penguin.co.uk/articles/find-your-next-read/reading-guides/2016/nov/23/the-curious-incident-of-the-dog-in-the-night-time-mark-haddon/

Blast From the Past.... 3/21/96 : 'The Bell Jar'

So, I was going through some old scrapbooks that I have and I found a few neat treasures. When I was younger I used to write a lot and English was one of my better subjects. Today I found a few old school reports that I wrote years ago. So I think I might share a few of them. :)

This paper is a book report of the publication “The Bell Jar” which was originally published by Harper and Row in 1971. It is the most well known book authored by Sylvia Plath, but originally published under the name of the pseudonym Victoria Lucas. I wrote this report and turned it in on March 21, 1996 for a Psychology class in my first few semesters of college. Part one is the book report summary that I wrote, part two is my analysis and thoughts on why the book is important to the field of psychology, and part three is my full analysis and conclusions I formed on the book. I haven't changed any of the wording – I entered it exactly as written – so its interesting to see how my writing has changed over time. This report earned me 100% / A . At the time, I was so proud and pleased and while I am not sure I deserved the grade after reading it again now, I hope you enjoy it. :)

Part I - Summary

Ester Greenwood, now 19, grew up in a small town with her brother and her mother. She is now in college, which she is able to afford because of a scholarship. As a hobby, she writes essays and small stories and sends them in to win contests, which she does win quite often. After winning one contest, she was sent to New York for one month, all expenses paid, to work as a junior editor of a fashion magazine. While there, she stayed in an all-women hotel called The Amazon. Her friend, Doreen, comes from a society girls school and carried an air of sophistication. She took Ester out to go to a party and on the way they stop and allow themselves to be picked up by some guys. One of them, Lenny Shepard, took Doreen and Ester to his house and when he Doreen became notably drunk and began to make out, Ester walked home. Later, when Doreen shows up drunk at her door, Ester resolves to become better friends with another girl (Betsy) who shares more of her values. Ester does have what could be loosely termed as a 'boyfriend'. Buddy Wilkins is currently studying to be a doctor, but doesn't see her much because he caught TB and is no residing in a recovery camp. Ester doesn't think of him as her boyfriend; she simply uses him as an excuse to others and to discourage the blind dates that were often heaped upon her.

Ester goes to one of the free luncheons with Betsy and shows her love for food, especially caviar. She eats until she is stuffed and, as bad luck would have it, when it is discovered that some food at the luncheon was poisoned, Ester was the sickest girl among them. In fact, all of the twelve participants in this contest were sick, except for Doreen who had skipped the luncheon to spend time with Lenny. It is at this time that her temporary boss questions her about her plans for the future and she realizes that she doesn't know what she wants to do after college. Right now, she is having a hard time with physics and is worried sick about chemistry next semester. Through a little trickery and persuasion, however, she manages to talk the dean of the college into allowing her to take chemistry, but because she had received an 'A' the semester before in physics (and she would easily get one again in chemistry), she would not have to test for her grade. She would simply be given an 'A' at the end of the semester. It was during this semester that Buddy's mother set her up with a visitor for another country so she would show him the city. She, still being a virgin and taking a liking to the fellow, decided to seduce him. Being a gentleman, he declined her advances.

At Christmas, Mrs. Wilkins picks her up and takes her to see Buddy at TB camp. There, he asks her to marry him, but refuses him saying that she doesn't want to marry anyone. She does stay for an extra day to spend time with him and allows him to attempt to teach her to ski. She has an accident, unfortunately, and breaks her leg. She then returns to New York and packs to go home, allowing Doreen to take her out for one last party. There she meets Marco, her first 'woman hater.' He is bitter because he is in love with his first cousin who is going to become a nun. He later tries to force himself on her and when she struggles and begins to cry, leaves very disgusted with her. She then goes and gets on a train for home.

After returning home, her mother informs her that she was not accepted into the writing class that she has depended on. She becomes depressed and when Buddy pushes her to come see him again, she terminates the relationship. She then goes through a period of indecisiveness where she starts and quits a novel, her thesis and other ideas. When she goes to see the family doctor about a stronger dose of sleeping medication, she is referred to Dr. Gordon, a psychiatrist.

After displaying no thought about personal hygiene or safety, Dr. Gordon starts her on Daily therapy sessions. Later, he tries shock therapy. After one dose, she tells her mother that she will not go again, which makes her mother very happy. During this time, an old friend sets her up with a young man named Cal with whom she discreetly brings up the subject of suicide and discusses with him the best ways to carry it out. After experimenting a few times and realizing that her body's defense mechanisms would always try and stop her, she stole her sleeping pills from her mothers lockbox and hid herself in the basement. She then took as many as she could before passing out. She is later found alive and taken to the hospital.

P. Ginea, a famous novelist, discovers what happened to her young fan and has her moved to a private psychiatric hospital. Here, she is given medication and ends up gaining a lot of weight. She also gets a new doctor named Dr. Nolan. In this place, she finds Joan, an old acquaintance that she had met in school and finds some common ground and insight into herself. She received a few more sessions of shock therapy and is then moved to Belside, the house for those who were almost 'cured' and would b sent back out into the outside world. Here, she is allowed to go to town where she meets Irwin. They date a few times and she decides to seduce him, which she later does. A complication from this painful act sends her to the emergency room. Later on, she is given the news that Joan has killed herself. A few weeks later she is taken to her interview that will release that will release her again to the outside world.

Part II – Importance to the Field of Psychology

I chose this book for many reasons. Most of the books on the provided list I had already read in my high school classes. I wanted a book that I hadn't read before, but also a book that might give me some insight into myself. I had no idea what topics this book discussed when I picked it up. I figured that if I didn't like it or it was too boring I could always get a different book.

Even though I really didn't enjoy the book, this book did appeal to me because of the wide range of topics it touched on. From motivation, behavior, social skills, to its main theme of depression, this book made me stop and wonder how I would deal with the same situations. The thing I liked best about the book was that it was written as if we were sitting in Ester's head and just listening to her thoughts and looking through her eyes. This made it almost impossible to tell when she first became depressed and how her disease progressed until you realize that she is extremely depressed and is thinking of killing herself.

The chapter that I thought best represents the whole book was chapter thirteen: Psychopathology. This chapter discusses many different kinds of mental illness or disorders and includes depression in this category. On page 512 of the required text, the entire page is dedicated to showing research that has been done on depression and what causes suicide. The book states that “while most depressed people do not commit suicide, most suicides are attempted by depressed people.” This suggests that if depression is found early enough in individuals and alleviated, we will have found a solution to our problem of the rise of suicide. Depression is most commonly brought about by failures, trauma or stress. The chapter also discusses signs and symptoms so you can recognize what depression is and what o do if you or anyone you know needs help. Reading this book also helped give me a perspective I have never had (and hopefully never will) and I hope it will make me more understanding to others in my environment when they just need a little boost.

Part III - Analysis and Conclusions

In all fairness, I would not have chosen this book as one of the books I have read for fun. Most books I chose to read allow me to escape from my life and find some comfort in a 'fantasy world' for a short period of time. I can't honestly say I enjoyed this book, but I can say that this book gave me some insight into a topic that I really hadn't thought of. I was able to follow Ester into her 'world' and feel with her, but I was detached enough so that I can see where rational thought ended and she gave herself up to depression.

The subject of depression will be pondered and studied for many years to come. Even in our advanced society, depression is hard to diagnose and very high percentages are never treated. Even though Ester was a fictional character, she was easy to identify with. To me, she represented the average person; just an individual trying to stay afloat in all the stress and worry of everyday life. I feel that this is a very important subject for many reasons. As technology becomes more advanced and human beings are competing for jobs with computers, problems with self esteem and uniqueness will occur. People will not feel able to compete with a machine that will never be sick, always be smarter, never too tired to work, and whose only weakness is that it must be attached an energy source. Problems at home will never cause it to low down and it will take little notice of small aggravations that you will find in the average workplace (mis-communication, personality conflicts, etc...) I believe that this will cause a rise in depression and other mental disorders.

In conclusion, I have to wonder about the author. After reading a little on her life from an autobiography, I admire her for trying to create a work like this. Any attempt to share feelings to try and enrich other generations is a noble cause. But one thought came to my mind and is nagging me for an answer which I can supply; was this book a cry for help from the author? Did she feel trapped and felt no hope? The autobiography says that she ended her own life. I just wonder why no one close to her, when reading her book, didn't notice similarities or suspect anything. Maybe she too, like so many others would still be alive today if someone had heard her cry for help.

Brief Thoughts on the Industrial Revolution

Almost all of us who have studied a little history have heard the term “Industrial Revolution” and have the basic concept of what that term means. What I find most interesting is what that term tends to leave out without deeper study and what it shows about us and the ways we as human beings and historians think. Because the term tends to suggest only huge alterations in 'industry' or business... and not in much else. However, during this time of changes many ways of human's lives in Europe changed in drastic ways and for the majority of people, not just a small group of few. These occurrences started to happen in society around 1750 may have started small but quickly made huge changes that could be seen in a short period of time. These changes can be easily seen and divided and described in four categories: industry, commerce, communications and agriculture. The first country in which these changes started to roll forth was Great Britain. If you look at some of the reasons that this country was able to step to the forefront, we can surmise some of the things that we need today to help other countries be able to expand – will talk about these advantages down below. :) One of the first things that seemed to start the 'revolution' was that large landowners in England started closing off their lands and as this practice became legal with the passage of Enclosure Acts, this process left hundreds of poor peasants without land to farm or work.

It was the process of removing the serfs and peasants from the lands that brought people to the cities and helped create a large, available and cheap work force. This created more demand for goods in the cities as well as work. So wealthy merchants or others could try and increase production to meet this demand which would in turn create more jobs. This also created the challenge of how to feed a large population with fewer people actually farming which had been the norm in times past. Agriculture changed a great deal with the Enclosure Acts as the large landowners could now farm very differently than has been accomplished in the past. Instead of several small plots of land farmed by families, a landowner could now farm hundreds of acres and instead of a variety of crops, the farmer could choose to focus on two or three popular and ready to sell crops. These crops could then be sold to feed people in other areas, to create other goods to sell such as cloth and also purchase a variety of foods to feed themselves and their families. As machines were invented to also make harvesting some crops easier with fewer people, many farmers began to grow cotton and other products as their major crops which were needed for making cloth, garments, etc... in the cities and could gain a good cash price. So industry was able to grow as businesses were able to increase production which also developed more work and increased profits for the investors or well off owners.

Commerce also began to increase as people started ignoring the guild policies and just began creating and selling goods for themselves to sell. In the past, guilds had helped limit how many goods could be made because there was a limit of how many people could make the goods. This had now changed and as people invented machines and found new ways – with water and coal- to move the machines to create products such as cloth, this also increased the quantity of good available, the variety of goods and brought prices down... which made purchasing goods possible for people who it would not have been financially feasible for before. As more people could buy goods, more goods needed to be made to keep up with the need which in turn would create more jobs, etc... The flood of agricultural products into cities helped entrepreneurs and other leaders of commerce to build larger businesses so that they could increase their supplies and sale-able goods... and brought the prices of food down as well. With all this growth and the need by the cities... and soon countries to move these goods to their place of sale quicker, travel and communication became significant challenges that people worked to overcome. It was during this time that trains were developed and the telegraph was invented- both of which helped move messages and goods quickly and efficiently to other areas. Soon people of moderate means could afford to use these forms of communication as well as the possibility to purchase newspapers or trips on trains that encouraged more openness and trade between the cities and countries they connected.

I see these four processes are spokes on the same wheel. Apart, none of the groups would have grown very quickly and change would have been small. Industry would have had very slow growth if any because there was not a large, legal work force without other jobs nor was there a large population who had money to buy the goods if the quantity of produced goods had increased. Large landowners couldn't have created the wealth that they did by their mono-culture crops if the majority of their lands were still leased by peasants. Commerce couldn't have grown at all without more goods at cheaper prices and people who felt like they could afford to purchase them. It was also able to grow because people could 'pool' their wealth to help develop a business and so individuals who didn't have enough assets and cash to start a business could still invest in a business which could make them more money. And the advances in communication made the growth of the later three quicker and more efficient as well as allowing most people to have more information of what was going on in the world around then.... making the world much larger and smaller indeed. :)

The European standard of living was significantly improved in many way by the Industrial revolution. Over time more people were able to live more comfortably, to own more clothing and goods and to have more options for work than people had in past generations. Heck, the ideas of the Enlightenment suggested that enjoying this life we have now was possible and acceptable and so the focus of living 'to get to eternity' that had been the past comfort to suffering masses was no longer the main belief of most people. The idea that everyone could improve themselves and their lives through education and hard work opened up people (all right... mostly men) to try and invent, learn and strive to rise through the ranks of society... something that had been impossible for most everyone for centuries. You no longer 'had' to go to church or belong to a specific church- don't get me wrong, it still helped make your life easier to be active in the 'right' church. The most significant improvements during this time came from some improvements in medicine, more work opportunities, opportunities to own more and for more people to participate in both commerce and consumption, as well as opportunities to travel and learn more about the world through newspapers, trains, and other forms of communication. For the first time in history news and knowledge could travel faster than people and ordinary people could participate if they could find the means to do so. Fewer people were always on the border of starvation – that was a great improvement indeed! Over time, sanitation was also improved and so disease would not be so rampant in so much of the city. Education was also more available and was available for more people.

Cities and towns had been fairly small and slow growing before the Industrial revolution. With the huge influx of workers from the rural areas and the growth of new businesses, buildings, etc... towns became cities and large cities grew to phenomenal sizes. Pollution from coal burning gave many cities entirely new 'atmospheres' as the air was heavier, had more fog and was darker as well. Cities also tended to have a great many more families living in them (so more children) than in the past. People in cities tended over time become more segregated into groups by ethnicity, income and community connections (such as family) and as such, city growth was not carefully planned. Buildings sprung up with in a few days and with very little planning... and were sometimes very close together and 'squished'. Lots of people coupled with the inability to be as sanitary as the country (due to proximity vs. amount of land) caused an increase of disease as well as disability and death. Cities were filled with very large businesses (such as factories) instead of the majority of small and so even children would work in the large factories... sometimes for as long as sixteen hours a day. As the population increased, it also help create a feeling of anonymity and fewer feelings of community which also caused other challenges such as upticks in certain amounts of crime, etc... Over time, smaller businesses became more permanent (the traveling salesman wasn't as popular) and smaller businesses developed ways to make shopping more attractive such as indoor light and windows.

Great Britain was uniquely situated to take full advantage of the growth during this time for a few reasons. One is that as the country had not fought a war of in soil for many decades. So the land and cities had not been as damaged and war-torn as most of Europe. Britain’s government was stable and had been so awhile so other institutions like banking and the law were pretty stable which gave investors and entrepreneurs less nervousness and more incentive to invest and create new businesses without the fear that the government might change and shut down their business... or war might destroy the buildings and worth forth. (As it was also one of the wealthiest countries in Europe, that also allowed for more investment.) As a smaller country covered in rivers and waterways, transporting goods was a lot faster than over land which also gave Great Britain an edge over some of the countries in Europe. With the Enclosure Acts, large landowners were able to force huge numbers of peasants off the lands they had been living on for generations and created a large workforce that needed jobs. As business taxes were generally lower in England and merchants and entrepreneurs were more socially acceptable in society, it is no surprise that Great Britain really surged forward in growth and development during the Industrial revolution.

What are your thoughts? Did you learn anything new? :)

PTSD / Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome - The Basics and the Personal

This week I took an in-depth look at post-traumatic stress syndrome... otherwise known as PTSD. My experience with PTSD is both personal and community orientated. Some of my family knows that I have this diagnosis, but for those that do not... I am coming out of the closet ;) I was diagnosed with PTSD three years ago stemming from experiences that occurred before I was eighteen in my parent's household. (I am not trying to be mean about my parents … I frankly think at this point that they did the best they knew how and complaining or blaming doesn't change anything.) I have some friends who also suffer from this disorder and some acquaintances who struggle with it so badly that they really find it difficult to get through the day... every day. One challenge that people with this disorder face every day is that this problem isn't normally visible to the world around them. Unlike someone who is in a wheelchair or has a different physical problem, the world around you doesn't know for the most part that you need certain care, what that care is, etc... So when a situation changes and puts the individual into instinctual action, everyone surrounding you for the most part is unprepared to deal with it and the individual themselves just struggles to hold themselves together and pull their mind and feelings back to the present.

So for those individuals that do not know much about post traumatic stress disorder, let me share some of the basics. PTSD is usually caused by events that happen to a person (or persons) that are out of the ordinary and which someone's 'life or integrity' is at risk, affected, etc... The action can happen to the person or someone can develop this disorder from witnessing something severely challenging. When described in those words it seems (at least to me) like something simple and most simple things are easy to fix. From my own personal experience as well as the experiences that have been shared with me by friends or family, it is not simple at all. Another thing that I have noticed in my experiences is that PTSD is different and is responded to differently by anyone who has it and when I asked about that idea at a conference last year I was told that happens because people's personalities and how they handle and react to things initially are different and also their experiences and how they feel about them are different. Some healthcare professionals also believe that PTSD is more likely to affect 'vulnerable people' such as those with fewer defense mechanisms, fewer safe resources in family and friends, people with low self esteem, etc.... and others believe that getting the disorder could cause the self esteem, defense problems, etc... (Reminds me a little bit of the age old question of which came first... the chicken or the egg.) While most people have heard of PTSD being a consequence for soldiers who have experienced military combat, it is also common for victims of abuse, rape, torture and more. If there is one part of the definition that seems a bit challenging to define, it's 'out of the ordinary world experience'...? Wouldn't that also depend on the individual involved and what was normal for them? A good reason that even defining what causes the disorder can be difficult!

Even though the exact description of the problem isn't precise, the symptoms of PTSD are very easily defined. There are three categories that symptoms can easily be placed in; re-experience, avoidance, and arousal. Here is a basic breakdown of what those categories cover.

1. Re-experience - These symptoms include flashbacks and /or reliving the traumatic event for minutes or much longer. Some people get difficult dreams about the traumatic event(s)

2. Avoidance - Some symptoms include the attempt to try to avoid thinking or talking about the traumatic event, avoiding activities or people that you used to enjoy, feeling hopeless and anxiety about the future, difficulty with memory as well as emotional challenges (such as feeling numb or unable to feel much), and difficulty concentrating as well as maintain close, personal relationships.

3. Arousal - Some symptoms people may feel are increased anxiety, irritability / anger, trouble sleeping, being easily startled, frightened (jumpy), large quantities of guilt or shame, self destructive behavior in an attempt at self medicating or suppressing the problem, and even other mental disorders that can be caused by the heightened emotional and mental challenges

One thing that I spent a lot of time thinking about was the difference between remembering the experience and reliving it. At first, I didn't see much of a difference, but the more I thought about it ... I realized there is a very big difference! One thing that came to mind, I thought about a few people I know and how this disorder affects the way they do things. I thought of a friend who tends to make chaos in every situation she is in and it gives her something to feel good about and also sets her up as a victim if people get angry at her. She also misinterprets facial expressions and if some one gives her a quizzical look, she is enraged and will shun or try to hurt that person for weeks in her anger... yet also separates herself from anyone but family as well at that time. She never sleeps well and has migraines approximately twelve days of the month. One reason I was interested in this subject was that I want to understand how to help people dealing with trauma better than I do so that maybe I can be of help to others as they struggle. Maybe I can learn how to understand myself better and not have so much fear behind the 'smile'. My friend also fears the future and her children are their mother's PTSD? Not sure and that is just speculation on my part. I really wish there was something I could do for her, but I really can't figure anything out.

There are many treatments out there for this condition, but as people are different they are not always as successful as they could be. Doctors used medications as well as counseling and other therapies to try and help patients. I use medication and prayer as well as an anti-depressant and try to avoid situations which can cause me more challenges and panic. For the most part, that really helps me to do the things I need to and want to do comfortably and not have problems... which is a wonderful thing! I know that some brain problems an be helped by therapy to 'change' the wiring of the brain such as in sensory integration disorder (SID), sensory processing disorder (SPD), etc... I wonder if PTSD is more challenging than some disorders such as the ones I just mentioned because PTSD is something that was forced 'onto' the body and not an original part of it......

I would love to hear some of your thoughts... Do any of you have experience in helping people (or yourself) with this problem? What has been successful and helpful for you? If any of my readers feel comfortable sharing, please feel free to continue the conversation and we can learn together. :)

Discussions with a BLS student... February 2013

I wanted to share a ‘conversation’ I had via email this week. As many of you know, I teach BLS (basic life support) in my spare time and one of the benefits I offer my students is that they can contact me by email or phone to ask questions and voice concerns over the time frame that their card is current…so for some students that gives them two years. It doesn’t cost them any more money- it’s just one of the perks that I offer with the class. To be blunt, I rarely hear back from students. Many people take the class for work and are not too stressed as long as they are certified and many just kind of forget as they leave class and go back to their daily business. Every few months, someone will send a letter praising my skills to the hospital and I have also gotten almost universally good evaluations. (I get a ‘bad’ one every few years from one of the local public school English teachers. I was really upset the first time when the evaluation said I was ‘tangentially morbid’, but as he keeps putting it, I have learned to shrug and move on and even laugh about it. The first time he wrote it, I had to look the word up as I had no idea what it meant…which I suspect was also part of his comment. :) However, two weeks ago, I taught a CPR/First Aid class and within three days of the class, my student not only had to use some of the skills I tried to impress on him during the class, but he voiced some really legitimate concerns that I think many of us have in challenging situations. So I thought I would post the ‘conversation.’ I sometimes find trying to address some of my student’s legitimate concerns difficult because I do not feel like I am really a good writer or have an excellent grasp of how to use language to convey feelings and emotions very well. I hope that I did all right…


February 16th, 2013

Hi Sonia,
Your letter confirming training arrived. This afternoon my neighbor called, his wife had fallen, she could not get up and he could not pick her up. He asked if I could come over and help. I've known them for many years, they are both in their late 80's. I went right over. She was on the kitchen floor, her eyes were clear and focused, she said that she did not hurt anyplace only that she did not have the strength to get up. She'd had a brain tumor a couple of years ago and her balance has not been good since, he'd had a heart attack and is no condition to lift more than 5 lbs. I talked with her a while to assess the situation, she seemed to be herself, absolutely clear and lucid. Brought a chair over so that she could steady herself as I picked her up and would not have to move her too far. When she rolled up onto her knees to move I could see the other side of her face there was a large ugly purple spot the size of your palm. She said that she had been to the dermatologist earlier this week and that he had removed a spot, it had not just happened. I put my arms under hers, used my legs to pick her up and she sat down quite easily in the chair.It was tea time, a chance to talk and see how they are doing. The other night she had fallen out of bed and could not get up, they called 911, the ambulance service helped her get back into bed. What they should do is get into an assisted living center - soon, for now they are so entrenched in their home they do not want to go through moving. Getting old is hard. Thank you for the training and the letter,

DP


February 17th , 2013

Wow! That was very quick..... I had a dead phone yesterday so I needed to wait until today but it sounds like you were very helpful and you did the right thing. It doesn't sound like I would have recommended anything different and that was really great of you to help! Did you have any concerns? Did you feel basically prepared and only a little nervous? Is there anything else you wish for me to cover with you....? Anyway, good job and I loved hearing about that!

Sonia G


February 19th, 2013

Hi Sonia,
"Did you have any concerns?" – YES!
Should I being doing this? What If? and still have concerns. The rest of that day and the next day it was still was very much on my mind. More than just this incident - their ability to take care of themselves and that further incidents could cause them pain & suffering. In class the other night you were crystal clear that confidentiality and respect to privacy is paramount. The day after helping them I met a mutual friend and close neighbor in town. I questioned myself as to whether I should say anything or not, I did tell this neighbor about what had happened. It concerns me that I did right or wrong informing this individual about what had happened. As a neighborhood group we have all been very close over the years and helped to take care and watch out for each other through illness and death. Thank you,

DP


February 21st , 2013

So let's chat about that. You are correct- confidentiality and privacy are very, very important. However, there is a loophole in that idea that I didn't really stress so let's go over it. The reason that privacy and confidentiality is so important is that we want people to trust us to give us the information we need to help. However, that information must be given away to others in certain cases. If the patient may cause harm to others, then absolutely we must share the information. If someone is threatening harm to themselves then we must also share that information. We must share it for a few simple reasons, but I think the most important reason is that we cannot allow harm to happen to ourselves... otherwise we become useless to help others. If we keep a secret that later causes us to feel guilt, shame and fear... that causes us to not want to help others anymore... that very much causes harm to ourselves and isn't ok either. So there are legitimate reasons for breaking confidentiality. The situation that you are describing appears to be one of them. If the young lady is likely to continue to fall and to be more likely to get hurt, it is important (if possible) to try with their help to make a plan or come up with ideas to try and develop ways to make the falling less likely. For instance, questioning what the patient feels has caused the last few falls will help a lot. (Does she get dizzy when standing up from sitting, house full of trip hazards, anything situational that consistently puts her at risk?). What then can potentially be changed to help the patient be less likely to fall… You mentioned that her husband can't pick her up if she falls because of his back... Any other family or close friends nearby? One thing that some families and communities have done is to create an informal group for older people in need (this situation is a perfect reason for one). So a small group of like minded, motivated people could talk together and create a plan for helping this family to stay in their home... It sounds like they have no wish to go into assisted living from what you said... So the people in the group would all know each other and have easy contact information for each other. Each person would 'agree' to take a bit of responsibility over the family for a certain amount of time (morning, day, etc...). So they would be available to check on them, visit and help if needed. Once a week or so the group meets either in person or by phone for a few minutes to chat about each person's experiences that week, concerns and any good changes that need to be made- it is awesome if the meetings include the people who need the help. It helps for them to be able to give input on what's working, what's not and what they think they need. Also, a group can share lots of confidential things and when they stay in the group, it’s all good. Does that make sense? Helping your community, the people in it and feeling confident and able to do so is truly the goal... at least for me. I really appreciate your writing and sharing your concerns with me and I hope you will feel more comfortable over time.

To your question of should I be doing this...? Well, that is really up to you. We all have strengths and weaknesses and things that are easy or difficult for each of us. I do not know you very well, but I think I know a few things from our brief time. You are responsible and motivated (you decided you wanted the class, signed up, and even with rescheduling showed up for it. You came with payment, paid attention and asked questions.). You know yourself pretty well (you admitted even when asked a few times that you really probably would never use the book. You felt comfortable being honest about it and didn't feel any concern or need to fib so that I would give you a book and you would toss it later. ). The fact that you feel concerned about these friends/neighbors, etc. suggests you have empathy towards others and concern for their well being and are willing to give of yourself. Some people perform first aid because it makes them feel good about themselves- because they can tell others how wonderful they are and what wonderful things they have done. Your concerns do not appear to be about yourself. You seem concerned with making sure you do the right things and really helping. So it is my thought that you should keep doing this if you feel comfortable enough to try. The more you do it, the more experience will help teach you important things. And over time, many things in your assessment of situations and people will become so easy and just a part of what you do that you will be able to spend more time giving and helping instead of worrying about whether you are remembering everything, etc... Those are just my thoughts though. Please do not think that I am telling you what you must do, etc... I hope I helped answer that question.

What else can I help with? Did this help at all?

Sonia G


February 23rd, 2013

Hi Sonia,
Thank you very much for your thoughtful response to my concerns. It is truly helpful to be able to communicate and receive feedback from someone who understands the causes and roots of concerns such as I had.

Just got off the phone talking with the neighbor who we're concerned about, today they're doing fine. Tomorrow, will go to see them and perhaps have a cup of tea. Over the next few days will talk with a couple of the other neighbors and see if we can come up with a schedule

The days are getting longer ~ Happy photosynthesis!

DP


I really love knowing that everyone in a while, I have a student who has really listened and not just with their head…but with their heart and soul too. They have heard things that I wasn’t even sure that I managed to get out…how do you teach people to have empathy towards others if they do not already have it? I won’t pretend that is a skill I have. Whenever I prepare for a class, I always ask for the spirit to be with me while I am teaching so that the important parts of my message can be discerned and not lost in my 'hyper-whirlwind' that I call me. I am so grateful for these skills and I am so glad that they can help others and give me satisfaction and joy too! Can’t wait for my next class!

A Sabbath Experience...

Wow. I have so many adjectives to describe today in my mind, but this Sabbath cannot fairly be described as restful or a 'day of rest'. It's funny, but if you attend any church I cannot imagine that you have much rest at all. If you have children, then there is no possibility that the Sabbath is a day of rest. And for those of us with callings at church, those callings-even when enjoyable and fun- are learning experiences and as such are often work.

I will admit that Sundays for the last few years have always been a great deal of work. Taking Bug to church, getting us through the day and home along with the joys and responsibility of helping my friend Sarah Drew left me fairly wiped out. The pressure and work load was intense and after some Sundays of carrying 40+ pounds on my shoulders for two hours plus helping Sarah I will admit that I didn't really feel the spirit much at all. The struggle was just too great. And the weariness was manifested in almost everyday of my life as I would struggle and fight to stay awake any time I was at all stationary-while driving, while eating... even while driving a car.

In so many ways, Sundays have changed over the last year. I no longer have a best friend to sit with and I no longer have the struggle with Bug. I come to the building an hour before church and I open the library. I copy the programs and the inserts. I choose the items to change and put up front for checkout – the DVD's, new books, etc... I prepare the Sacrament kits and help people get what they need for their lessons. When the meeting starts, I close up and get up the courage to join into the group in the chapel... to reconcile myself to learning, to listening... to feeling alone in the crowd. If needed I also give of the time and my energy to help others with their children... to hug them, distract them, to quiet them... and to love them. That is my average typical Sunday. The work is different and is less physically exhausting than I used to do, but I would be lying if I didn't suggest that it isn't work. The secrets I bring and the burden and emotion and pain are just as much of a struggle in many ways. Heck, sometimes the weight of the pain and emotions and my silence feels somehow heavier than the weight of my son riding along on my shoulders for the hours on end as I bounced him quietly and tried to keep him silent in the past.

In some ways, this Sunday was no different. I had all of these tasks as well as my burdens, but one of my choices and circumstances today very much added to the stress of the day. One circumstance was that my phone broke and so I didn't arrive as early as I usually do... so I lost track of time and was only about 1/2 an hour early. When I arrived, I found that things were actually a bit chaotic and so I started my work by trying to hunt down the program and then racing to the supermarket to buy gluten free bread after it was discovered ten minutes before the meeting started that there was none to be found. I was back in twelve minutes (a record I think) and was only three minutes late for the start of the meeting... a stunning achievement, but I will admit not very spiritual. So it was with a relieved heart that I sat down in the foyer on the couch to catch my breath, to think and to try and bring myself back to be ready for the spirit.

However, my choice to sit in the foyer was a big mistake. While well intentioned, I discovered that I then had the difficulty of trying to listen to the talks in Sacrament with the members of one family walking back and forth every few minutes checking the foyer. It was very clear immediately that these members were no willing to enter the meeting, but were also not willing to sit in the foyer while I was sitting there... so they kept checking to see if I had left. The behavior was so obvious that another sister who came out of the meeting to sit in the foyer commented that I really need to apologize for offending these members as I surely must have done for this behavior to continue.... it was so clear to her what their purpose was. I tried to smile and just bite my tongue to continue to keep my silence. And so every time I saw one of them come to check, I would think of getting up to go into the meeting. Not because I felt comfortable or able to do so, but because I felt hounded and hunted and pressed to do so. So I tried to breath deeply and continue to sit... fighting the feelings of fear and anger welling inside and tried to listen. It was almost impossible to glean anything from the talks because it would take me a few minutes to really get myself refocused... and then they were back to see if I had gotten the 'hint' yet.... and the fragile peace in my head was shattered. It is hard to sit through this behavior and not feel like I have done something awful and deserve it... to remember that I have not only done all I can but have bent over backwards to try and make the situation manageable... to remember that in many ways I am the one who was wronged and now struggle to deal with the reality that her choices have helped create for me in my life. So I sat... and I sat... and the meeting finally ended.

I tried to deal with the library and some things there, but when I heard shouting a few minutes later in the foyer, I gave up and walked out. There I found one of the sisters yelling at the missionaries to force the child playing the organ in the chapel to stop- it was apparently inappropriate. (Frankly, yelling at the missionaries and in the church was inappropriate, but I digress. ; ) So I went into the chapel to see one of my favorite summer visitors happily playing the piano and celebrating song and church. Adam is a beautiful child with so many difficulties and disabilities and his joy was as obvious as his father's slight embarrassment. So he can't actually play music that we recognize and the composition is his own. Doesn't that make it an even greater gift to the Father? Soon he was distracted and came with me to the library for crackers and I gave him one of my very favorite books. Off to class he headed with his dad, satisfied and ready. And I picked up my stuff, left a message for the branch president, and took off hoping to steal an hour or two of silence for myself.

So many people say that I am strong- my branch president, friends, family... but I don't tend to feel that way. I feel like I am walking on a fragile cord struggling to keep my balance and hoping the cord won't break and send me crashing to the ground. Still, after all this time.... I am not sure about much, but I think I need a redefining of myself and my life. I need a new focus... a way to feel strong. But until then... I guess I keep going. :)

Thoughts on Conversation and Healing...

When I was volunteering yesterday, I was given a blank diary from 2008 with beautiful pictures and quotes on different pages. I liked the pictures so I brought it home to glance through and a quote on one page really caught my eye. It is:

'One of the most valuable things we can do to heal one another is listen to each other's stories' – Rebecca Falls

I had three thoughts as I was reading and pondering this. The first was that it really is healing to be able to talk about what is on your mind- at least it is for me. When I do not talk about things it almost feels like bad thoughts are able to 'fester' and become an infection in my mind. And healing an 'infection' is a lot harder than trying to deal with the original thoughts. I can understand the need for secrets and for not discussing EVERYTHING on your mind, but I also think that many times, problems are more easily ironed out if the feelings and thoughts are discussed quickly. I think that having someone who cares for you and listens is great and does help in the healing process especially in very painful circumstances. I don't even think that they have to actually agree with you... to just be there and to care means so much.

Another thought was that some people do not feel comfortable listening or even being listened to except in rare circumstances. And other individuals have suggested that discussing a hurt can be not only complaining but harmful depending on the complaint. An example that I thought of was a discussion on Facebook where a friend discussed her hurt and anger at the treatment she had received by church members in her ward in Utah. Another person piped in and suggests that she was in the wrong to even suggest something bad happened at church because that makes the church look 'bad'. It was even suggested by someone that saying anything that can be construed as bad is 'anti- Mormon'... and so therefore this person is as well. In this case, an act of potential healing became another painful act which created more hurt, anger, and separation- even feelings of betrayal. Nobody, even the church defenders, were looked at in a positive light by the outsiders of the conversation that I heard from. And that feels fairly sad, because I have no doubt that everyone, including the original speaker, loves the Mormon church. But the conversation itself became another nail that could be used against the church instead of an opportunity for healing. While I agree that some people in some instances and due to our perception may discuss the same hurts more times than we think they should, I can see how that would happen if the individuals never felt listened to or had their feelings validated at any time in any conversation.

The last thing that I thought of was how polarized I feel our society is right now... and it feels like nobody wants to listen to anybody unless the individuals involved already agree on everything. I feel like the world is full of so much blame and anger and there is nothing that I can do. Yes, I can listen and I can pray and I can hope and show patience.... but I am just one. And it doesn't feel like it makes a difference at all. I go to the foodbank every week and I listen to those who are looking for work and have been for so long and have been unsuccessful for reasons they can do nothing about such as poor teeth, chaotic living arrangements, homelessness, disability, mental illness, no transportation, etc... These people are stuck in catch 22's and I cannot help them either. Heck, I didn't get the last job that I applied for and I am still looking. Last year, I joined a program to help my family become more stable, more financially independent and to get the help we need to move forward. The program is over and considered a success, with promises never fulfilled and our family even less together and stable than when we entered the program. We have no team, no help, less financial stability and our family is broken. We are more alone than we have ever been. And so many others are as well. In a world full of people, that doesn't really make sense to me at all. I want to help, but I am starting to think that my hands are not strong enough to even help/support me... let alone anyone else.

I really believe that being able to talk can really heal pain and sorrow (and anger) and can help people move forward. How can we draw a line so that people can talk without so much fear? The fear of judgment and being misunderstood looms large in many... including myself which is why I have learned to hold my tongue on so much. I am not sure that I am served in that regard as well. I do think that my soul is starting to fester which makes it even harder for me to feel comfortable around anyone. What can you do in your life to try and change this? What suggestions do you have to help other's feel comfortable talking with you? What would make it easier to talk to someone else when you need to spill? How would you support yourself if you needed some help for a while from someone outside your family- whether emotional, financial, etc...?

Happy One Year Anniversary- to my Blog :)

Well, it has been one year since I started my blog- an anniversary that I think is worth noting to myself.  I started this blog for a few reasons- family and friends gently suggesting, the immediate trauma of last January forcing me to try and find a way to communicate and articulate some of my thoughts and feelings, and last... I really wanted to use my blog to help motivate me into not only studying subjects that interested me, but being able to share those ideas them with others and discuss them and maybe eventually really have a small group of diverse people that could truly get together and chat about the wide variety of topics.  The idea of being able to really have a discussion with people who may or may not disagree and work towards understanding and consensus sounded wonderful!  Still does, come to think of it.  :)

So when I started my blog I wanted to focus on a few specific topics.  I wanted to focus on Mormonism, disability, simple living and feminism.  Those topics have many, many different nuances and perspectives to think about and understand.  I also wanted to focus on these topics because these four subjects seem to embody much of my life.  I am a Mormon -by culture as well as by faith.  On July 9, 2009 I stopped attending church due to a major difficulty and I have so much needed to talk about it... to really understand it and to move past it and find peace.  The situation at church is changing and morphing for the better, but like all major change, it is slow and sometimes feels like I am watching paint dry. However, I stare and work and then I blink and I realize that some of the paint is dry. It is coming! :)

My ideas on simple living have changed a bit since I have started to try that as well. Just the words 'simple living' have so many nuances and you can tell just by looking at the magazines trying to catch the 'market' in the racks at the supermarket. Some things I could live without- I know I could... but I do not feel like they make my life simpler- I almost feel like life is harder without them. There are some things that I don't need and I get rid of and never miss. Certainly over the last few years I have found that what affects the quality of my life the most is people- and not things I own... or need... or want.

And I have found that I haven't focused on feminism or disability as much as meant to... and as some changes in my personal life have become more of a focus and the gist of my pain... and the taker of my time, I have put so little that is truly personal on this blog. My personal blog feels too 'open' to be terribly honest about my life on... a interesting commentary I think. Maybe if my life was simpler... I could feel comfortable, but in some ways I feel like my life is dragging me along in the choices of others and I am just trying to find the ground under my feet... and I hope it is solid. I really never imagined that I would have to deal with some of the trials that I am facing and struggling with. That said, I have enjoyed this blog very much and I am so glad that I was talked into it. I know that I am not a 'popular' read and that very few people even know that I exist, but I do feel that I am putting out some information that can be useful to other people. I have also found that I feel more confident in my writing and myself- that I can articulate some of my needs or thoughts even if I do not have a human being that I am sure I want to share all of them with.

So, I am not sure which direction I should head in with my blog this year. The topics that I wanted to write about in the beginning are still near and dear to my heart, but life feels more complicated that it did then... which I never imagined was possible at that time. I think that I will head forward continuing to share my thoughts on education, history, and my life. I will try to be a little more open about my confusion and concerns about my life as well as my family... And I will try to move forward on some of the topics that I really wanted to talk about- especially about disability and its effect on individuals families, and communities. However, I am aware that there are other directions that I can move in... and need to think about it. I am also hopeful that as the year goes on, I can find not only more topics that interest me, but more topics that can be discussed! I really like the discussions that I have been able to have that are started on this blog... and I would like to continue it! So, welcome to the second year of my blog. I am happy to continue... and hope you will join me! :)