2014 Poetry Corner # 2 - "Meditation" (a haiku)

slow, breathe in, focus
on you, your needs, your feelings
understand yourself

A Baby Step Forward

So… I have a new place to live! No more tents or cars or anything half baked. I have an actual apartment with a kitchen and *gasp* a bathroom too. : ) I am still moving in and will be for a few weeks, but I am slowly trying to figure out the new routine in my life. Some parts feel so strange and unreal. And I am very much on an emotional roller coaster. I suspect that will continue even as I finish moving the few belongings that I have left into the apartment.

There have been many blessings in this move. One is that I haven’t really had a way to cook really healthy food for a long time. Not having a set kitchen has made things pretty difficult. But I have a kitchen now and some friends have made sure that kitchen wise I am all set! I know have all the needed dishes and I have been spoiled with a hand blender as well as a few other appliances. I have bowls and pans and so now I need to change my old mindset…. as I can cook again! I have gotten in the habit of I can’t cook so why bother and I think that habit has taught me to skip meals like mad – gotta stop doing that too. Another blessing is the opportunity to be able to actually spend time with my cats. My ex is in a bit of a hurry for me to get on my way and so he has been very helpful in giving of his time, energy - and today his blood- to get my stray friends boxed and to the vet for neutering and then pills and flea treatments. They are comfortably resting in the ‘extra’ bedroom in my apartment. (I feel a little ‘wealthy’ and wasteful to have a room for my cats… doesn’t that sound so ridiculous. : ) They will have a bit of storage in their room for a while and as they seem to like using the storage as forts that seems very doable. I don’t have any furniture with the exception of two chairs and a book case, but that seems like a good start. A part of me is starting to feel excited about my new opportunities.

One hardship that I am trying to figure out is the idea of living alone. I have realized as I have thought about it over the last few days that I really have never lived alone. I am not sure that I even really know how to do so. I will hear noises in the night and sit up, confused and frightened… listening and then finally able to go back to sleep. I find myself trying to fill the quiet and even a little bored as I look around wondering what I should do next. (I think putting myself on a schedule will be a bit important to stop that… I don’t think that’s a good habit to start.) I can have horrible dreams- many of which I can’t really fathom how to interpret so I find them not only terrifying but confusing and perplexing as well. So I no longer have any one to disturb if I can’t sleep or I am struggling, but that seems to make the struggle seem more difficult as it becomes even more obvious that I am all alone. I have the freedom to do whatever I want and so, in theory, that should be a benefit. But I guess I haven’t really ever learned to be alone and so I feel it keenly sometimes and I find it very difficult to not just lay down and cry. I find myself starting at the fridge and feeling relief and a little joy that I have food and a fridge and then think… but why bother… no one to eat with. How ridiculous is that? I think in some ways I have become a fresh adult ready and moved out from the parent’s home… I need to learn all the things that I never learned and I need to develop the wish/need to care for myself again. Scheduling, coping, all that stuff.

But I have made a good step forward. I have a safe place to stay and even though I am not sure I want to plants any real ‘roots,’ I can rest and try to figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life. I feel a little like my apartment- mostly empty but with good things and ready to accept them. Bug also enjoyed his visit today and I was able to really enjoy his company and we were both comfortable…. a wonderful experience. So I will see what I can do… and what other steps I can make…. : )

The Temple

I enjoyed so much my most recent visit to the temple. One thing about the temple is that while every visit is the same (especially if you are unendowed), every visit is so different based on your frame of mind. This visit was a little different because I went for a few different reasons and with a few different thoughts in mind. I felt prompted to go and a chance remark from an acquaintance caused my small and weak prompting to become to become a hard and firm resolve. Even when the typical 'chaos' and negative stuff began in the forty eight hours beforehand (as always happens before the travel and attendance of the temple), my resolve only wavered slightly and never in any permanent way. I felt that the path before me was fixed and I remained resolute in my determination and desire to go.

It was an amazing experience. Some would say that it wasn't much in the sense that after I got to the temple, I just mostly walked around the grounds and thought and cried and wondered and hoped. At one point I was given a great yet uncomfortable insight into a person I used to know and I needed to let go of- I really needed to understand many things. I will not pretend that I understand things better, but I feel differently. Over the last few months my anger has abated and I have looked for peace, direction, and understanding in my life. I am finding peace and a direction that I did not expect but I am attempting to follow. I am trying so hard to allow the direction that I feel impressed upon....sometimes I think I am trying too hard and I want- no need- to go slower, to feel less, to be braver, to lose myself in the opportunities that the Father has provided to me at this point in my life.

One thing that added a bit of humor to the day was the misc chatter of people exiting the temple or walking to their cars while I was walking around. In many ways, I became a moving part of the scenery. People would chat and move around me and carry on their average conversations and it felt a little strange that people carried on average discussions right outside the door. Some started talking on the phone as they walked out the doors. It almost felt like being at the temple was so blaise and so benign that being in the temple and its grounds was 'nothing' and didn't mean much. Now, on one hand, we should behave in the world and in our lives the way we do at the temple- everything and anything should be for our spiritual learning and fulfillment. Here are some of the funny things I heard:


'...and so they ended up divorced and so I was so completely happy...'

'I couldn't remember whether you said the loft or the tower...'

'Well, the ice pack has melted we'll be doing good to get to the church...'

'Are you already for me?'

'...I thought it was just medium... ummm tall, not short. There's no medium?'

'Do you need some more of these sugar free mints?'

'I missed your call because I was in the temple. Did you need anything?'

'Where's Carolyn...?'

'I have to tell you that I am well known for my chocolate eclairs....'

'At least they have take out... (the temple)'

'You might have to sit on your butt.'


Sort of silly huh? I left out the guy who paced outside the doors discussing the ups and downs of the stock market. :) I guess the different conversations on the mundane sounded so strange to me on the temple grounds. So in the end I had a great time and it was worth it. Can I challenge you to go to the temple in the next few weeks? Come back and tell me what you did... and what funny stuff you heard.! I'm waiting.... :)

The Joy of Ducks.....

Yesterday, I found a beautiful duck feather in my yard. Even though I have ducks, I rarely see beautiful feathers. When they molt the feathers are tired and worn and the beautiful feathers tend to easily be blown away. But yesterday, I found a beautiful one just as it dropped off my Khaki Campbell named Opal.

There is just an innate beauty in feathers to me. They are soft, smell nice and feel 'warm'. There is something earthy and wonderful about them – I sometimes feel like I can feel the sun radiating out from the light fibers. I do not know if I feel that way because I just love ducks in general or if feathers themselves bring these thoughts to mind. I will admit that I am totally partial to birds, but ducks are really amazing to me. I can feel my heart lift as I watch them waddle across the yard and ducks have the most amazing personalities. Don't get me wrong, other birds have personalities and we have had some chickens whose personality sparkles.... but almost all ducks I have ever had the privilege of sharing space with just seem to bubble and shine and I guess remind me of my own personality.

The find of loose feathers reminds me that spring is here. That the earth is ready to grow and this is a time of growth for me too. What I do now and the choices I make will effect my 'harvest' in the fall. Have I been successful or on the way to successful with the goals I made in January? Am I preparing myself appropriately for the choices that I have? In the end, as I watch my ducks rejoice in my yard for the earth's renewal, they are teaching me. They remind me that trouble should fall off of me like water falls off a duck's back.... that humor is necessary for so many situations in life and makes things easier... and that the interactions with the creatures of the earth may be some of the most fulfilling interactions outside of family. Their enthusiasm for life and joy in the present moment are examples that I think many human beings- including myself- need reminding of on a constant basis.

This is a very snotty thought, but I feel very sorry for people who do not have the opportunity to be 'enslaved' by ducks. It is a wonderful blessing in my life! :)

My Nutritional Analysis: Improvements and Needs

For three days, I tried to write down everything that I consumed... from water to cereal to the stray piece of candy that I 'borrowed' from my son's Easter Basket. :) After combining the data I came up with the figures at the bottom of the post.

I will say that I found a few things about the figures a little shocking. One of which was I hadn't really realized how many meals that I have been skipping or just not eating until I was forced to look at what I was writing down. And I guess that the stress and sorrow in my life has really started to overwhelm me because I truly believe that these totals are right. I looked over the days and realized that I had been tallying things correctly and I really had eaten less than 1000 calories a day for those days. I am disappointed to say that I do not currently think that these particular days are at all abnormal for my eating habits right now. I am glad that when I am eating, I am eating good things so I am getting a bit of the stuff that my body needs, but I am clearly not getting enough. And in times of stress I should clearly be eating more... not less. (I will admit that I thought about cheating and trying to find some cans so that I could add their totals on to the correct ones and not look so bad, but I really felt like that was cheating and if I didn't want to look pathetic, I should shake out of my funk and start eating right to begin with.)

For Day One, I should have had at least 1000 more calories. I didn't have enough carbs or protein and only reached about 50% of the daily guidelines. However, that isn't too bad considering that I only ate about 50% of the calories I should have eaten. Fats were a little high (I had some salmon pate on crackers and so that brought those numbers up to the higher levels, but that is unusual enough that I am not too worried about my fat intake. For brevity’s sake, almost all of my vitamin intakes were either too low or just non existent... in fact, I either didn't consume any of the needed vitamins or minerals or I consumed less than 50% of them with one exception: sodium. In that particular mineral I was in the high range and over the daily recommended requirements of less than 2400 mg.

For Day Two, just for variety I ate even fewer calories at 710- unfortunately I must confess that all three of these recorded days were in a row and may explain why I feel tired and fairly shaky constantly. I don't tend to feel hungry however. I consumed less than fifty percent of what was recommended in calories, carbohydrates, protein and most vitamins and minerals- the two exceptions are folate and iron which I did hit 100% percent on (a bonus?). Many nutrients I didn't consume enough of to have a percentage to write down.

For Day Three, I ate a few more calories and I did eat a lot of the necessary nutrients in the one meal I consumed- 3 cups of spinach and feta salad. I still didn't eat enough calories, carbohydrates or proteins. For calories, I consumed a whopping 763! :) I was still low on several vitamins, but at least the numbers were low... and not non-existent! I only hit the appropriate RDA for folate and vitamin B12, but three vitamins I was pretty much off the charts on in the upper ranges: vitamin K with 291 micrograms, riboflavin, and to really overdose myself... over 6000 micrograms of vitamin A. Luckily, I have been so low on vitamin A that my body hopefully stored some of this for future expenditures and needs.

On these days, I got at least ½ hour of cardiovascular exercise: once was carrying food boxes quickly up and down the stairs. The other two were walking quickly to get to work. On these days I was also quite active in physical movement- I spent the mornings volunteering and the afternoons and evenings playing with my son. Then I tried to squeeze in some homework before I collapsed into bed. Hydration was adequate at between 6-7 glasses a day of water and several ounces of juice. So a few things have changed over this semester. I have been able to increase my exercise and to become more consistent with it. I have been watching what I eat a little more than I have in the past and have tried to afford a few 'fresh' things-hence the spinach salad. I have worked at trying to have more variety in my food and I have been fairly successful with that. So, while the vast majority of food that I eat is still based on beans and rice, I have been able to supplement by adding more vegetables, fruits and condiments such as salsa, sour cream and coconut milk. I think that has been very beneficial in the sense that I think I am getting more of the minerals and vitamins that I need. I think that I have learned to be more mindful of what I eat and how I eat it, even in my limited circumstances. I feel like I have had the opportunity over the last few weeks to understand how my body works and what it needs and I think that understanding has helped me to develop a better mindset about taking care of myself. It is obvious from my analysis however, that I need to do more than change my mindset however... I need to make more physical changes to use the information and resolve that I have developed over time. Habits are not something that can easily be broken with mental effort alone. You must use your mental energy to focus on working toward physical changes... and only after the physical changes have lasted more than a month can you truly be sure that you have changed your habits. Even then, you must work to keep the change as it is so much easier to fall back into bad habits then it is sometimes to keep the good habits that you have formed.

A few other habits that I am working on changing is the 'supplement are always good for you' brain-set I had when I started this class. Understanding that careful consumption will get me what my body needs and actually taking the time to really pay attention to my food I think has already started that change. It wasn't really a surprise to me that the one day that I consumed the most nutrients/vitamins/minerals, etc... was the day that I consumed fresh food and not canned. It was also the day that I added a small amount of dairy and seeds to my food. I made an appointment to speak with my doctor about whether I 'need' to take as many supplements as I am if my body is now more 'healed' and able to absorb the nutrients that I eat more fully. It was a great conversation that took over half an hour and we decided that I should stay on two of them (I probably will be on one of them for life), but we could see about removing the others after a medical procedure to see how well I have 'healed' my digestive track. I have been working on increasing fluid intake and I have for the most part seen an improvement in that as well. I think the most important thing that I have learned this semester is that eating well and taking care of yourself is truly a journey that must be taken. Consumption is almost always easy, bu whether the consumption is worthwhile takes thought, introspection and knowledge. Thank you so much for the opportunities that I have been given his semester to become more mindful, introspective, and to use the knowledge that I have gained to work towards making myself a healthier person. :)


Day 1 -
Calories: 890
total carbs: 136.5 g
dietary fiber: 21 g
sugars: 26.5 g
saturated fat: 15.5 g
poly unsaturated fat: 3 g
monounsaturated fat: 0.5 g
cholesterol: 60 mg
protein: 27.5 g
vitamin A: 380 micrograms
Vitamin B12: 1.5 micrograms
Vitamin C: 9.6 mg
Calcium: 580 mg
Iron: 7.56 mg
Potassium: 1055 mg
Sodium: 2850 mg

Day 2 -
Calories: 710
total carbs: 100 mg
dietary fiber: 7.5 g
sugars: 23 g
saturated fat: 8 g
poly unsaturated fat: 4 g
monounsaturated fat: 2 g
cholesterol: 35 mg
protein: 13.5 g
vitamin A: 710 micrograms
Vitamin B6: 1 mg
Riboflavin: 0.83 mg
Niacin: 10 mg
Thiamin: 0.75 mg
Folate: 400 mg
Vitamin B12: 6 micrograms
Vitamin C: 96 mg
Vitamin D: 180 mg
Calcium: 710 mg
Iron: 18.72 mg
Magnesium: 16 mg
Phosphorus: 60 mg
Potassium: 680 mg
Sodium: 1490 mg
Zinc: 7.5 mg

Day 3 -
Calories: 763.7
total carbs: 23.7 grams
dietary fiber: 2.83 grams
sugars: 4.1 grams
saturated fat: 10.5 grams
poly unsaturated fat: 6.93 grams
monounsaturated fat: 8.32 grams
cholesterol: 610.25 mg
omega 3: 298.4
omega 6: 6372.85
protein: 26.82 grams
vitamin A: 6001.25 iu
Riboflavin: 0.41 mg
Niacin: 1.37 mg
Thiamin: 0.1 mg
Folate: 434.2 micrograms
Vitamin B6: 0.55 mg
Vitamin B12: 0.75 mg
Vitamin C: 16.8 mg
Vitamin E: 7.6 iu
Vitamin K: 291.5 micrograms
Calcium: 323.85 mg
Iron: 6 mg
Magnesium: 303 mg
Phosphorus: 389.9 mg
Potassium: 595.7 mg
Sodium: 1200.2 mg
Zinc: 3.6 mg
Choline: 330 mg
Betane: 330.8
Selenium: 56.9 mcg
Panthothic Acid: 3.17 mg
Manganese: 0.9 mg

A New Year... and a New Perspective/Start.

A New Year! Please do not think that I am being even the tiniest bit sarcastic when I say 'Thank God for a New Year!' I am so grateful for the New Year. I know that the idea of a new year is mainly symbolic- that your life hasn't really changed... that the trials and difficulties that you are facing haven't just disappeared or even been resolved... In reality, nothing surrounding you has changed.

However, the symbolism of the new year invites us to once again become introspective and to really look inside ourselves and see what we lack or what we wish to change... what we see and are disappointed to find...and maybe what we wish to accomplish that we have been putting off (self reflection so to speak). This time of year reminds us that the time is now... not later, and the change that we want to see in the world must begin with us. So, while we should take the time to be introspective and mindful every day, many of us don't and that is a skill and a habit that I am still trying to develop.

So I have spent time over the last few weeks really looking at my life and instead of focusing on the trials ans the pain, I have tried to really try and figure out what I have control over and what I would like. And also, what is necessary. But, I made a few rules for myself. One rule is that I can only make a few changes or attempts to change - otherwise all of my good intentions will go the way of most New Year's resolutions... which is distraction, disappointment, and failure. Also, I wanted to pick three things that people could hold me to- I would have one year to complete and the goals should be easy enough to substantiate by others so I couldn't just blow it off. I really wanted to know that I could be held accountable. And last, I wanted the few goals that I shared to be ones that were not too personal so I felt like I could discuss them with others. I am determined to not just get so busy that I do not continue to work on these goals as well as a few personal ones. So here they are...

1. I want to have the credits for both of my minors concentrations to be completed this year- I think it is quite doable.

2. I am pretty horrible at math. I would like to study enough and learn enough to be able to take the placement test at college and pass it - i.e. I want to pass it enough that I am not relegated to prehistory math.... yes, I am really that bad. But it I am able to place high enough to take pre-algebra and algebra and pass them- I will have my associates degree!

3. I would like to get one paying genealogy job this year. It doesn't need to be a big one, but I would really like to test my talent on someone who isn't a friend or relative and really hone my skills! I think that would really do quite a few things for me... including boost my self esteem. And it is something that I love!

So those are a few of my thoughts... What are your goals for the new year? And how many of you will pay attention and help hold me to mine...? :)