Gratitude - 2/3/19

I'm currently fighting a cold. It has left the fever behind but the mucus has settled into my chest. My body feels heavy and achy but not as weak as I would have thought it would be. So I don't like being sick, but I feel like I will recover quicker than normal... which is good as I am working six days this week.

1. I am thankful for fruit. I'm on a slightly restrictive diet and being able to eat fruit feels like I am being spoiled with dessert. So I am grateful for my dessert of peaches today. It was wonderful.

2. So thankful that the weather has warmed up a trifle. Going outside at thirty degrees feels much better than three degrees. I spent a little bit of time outside today because it was warmer and I am glad to have enjoyed a little bit of sun.

3. I am grateful for books to lose myself in when I am sick and need to rest.

4. I am super grateful for on-line church. I love listening to testimonies and the experiences of other people. Even when I don't understand or can't comprehend their experience I feel so edified listening to others and being able to share my own thoughts. I really appreciate inclusive areas when all can feel like they belong. Just feeling grateful for my Sabbath today.

5. I am grateful for Bug. I am blessed to have such an amazing son! He is going through another growth spurt again so I am watching him shoot up even taller and wondering when it will end. He is going to be a very tall man. I loved reading books with him today and enjoying videos too. It was a nice day.

6. It was wonderful for have such a nice lazy day. I really needed one.

Gratitude - 1/30/19

I've got a lot going on right now and my head is overfull. So I've been counting my blessings today.

1. I am grateful that I live in America. I am not happy about what is going on with our government and the serious cultural systemic problems, but I am relatively safe. I don't live in a country where I can easily be put into labor camps or hurt in other torturous ways - like North Korea or China. For that I am grateful.

2. I am grateful for amazing co-workers. I am grateful for my amazing job. I need more hours and I am going to have to figure that out but I have no complaints about the work environment and the fine people I work with. That makes me pretty content.

3. I have an amazing friend. My best friend is so supportive and cares so much that I want to try harder to be well in my life and to do better. Everyone needs that kind of friend in their life.

4. My ex and my son are pretty amazing. I am grateful for supporting family.

5. I am grateful for warm clothes and warmth in my home, It is really cold out there right now and I am able to be warm and out of it. Not everyone has that luxury.

6. I am grateful that I have my furry companions who take such good care of my mental health. I have no idea what I would be like without them.

7. While my ankle hurts, it is holding itself together. I can't complain about that.

What are you grateful for?

Gratitude - 12/29/18

It's so dark so early these days that it almost feels like I should be headed to bed at 6pm. It's only 5:30 right now and it feels like it's been dark for so long it feels like it's midnight. These are the days that it really is a struggle for me to be able to stay up and accomplish things and to try to keep a normal sleep schedule. Of course with my insomnia and other issues, a normal sleep schedule is pretty much out of the picture anyway. Doesn't mean that I shouldn't try though.

1. It's pretty cold these days. I am really grateful for a heater that has propane and a house that has electricity to help keep me warm. I try to keep them low to conserve on energy, but I'm very grateful to have them because I would be very cold without them.

2. My feet are always cold and so I always have socks on them. I am very grateful for warm soft socks that I can wear anytime I want. And I'm grateful for a quantity of socks that allows me to change my socks as often as I wish and still have plenty of socks to choose from. I am a bit of a Dobby.

3.I had some maple sugar candy today and that was wonderful. I really haven't had any before and it was sort of blissful to feel all the sugar melt all over my tongue. I do not eat sugar or candy very often because I worry about it health-wise, but it was nice to splurge today.

4. I'm so grateful to have some awesome history lectures to listen to. Right now I'm working my way through a Great Courses/ Teaching Company series entitled "The Peloponnesian War. The professor is excellent and I'm enjoying the lectures very much. It's nice to be reminded of some of the things that I learned a long time ago in class but to hear about the values and morals of different groups of people that have been gone for so long. We may have stolen some of our ideas of government from the Athenians, but we are just as different as we are similar today. Anyway, I'm really thankful to have the lecture to listen to and enjoy.

5. I enjoyed having Bug over last night and it's always a joy to wake up and hear him talking and waiting for me to wake up. Sometimes he seems to get up too early for me, but I'm still glad he comes over anyway.

6. I was pretty sad that the Turnstyle wasn't open today because I was looking forward to going back after a month away. But I managed to channel that energy into rearranging and working on cleaning a corner of my living room the desperately needed it and I am so glad that I got that done. While physically I hurt quite a bit I am so happy with the results.

7. Listening to Cyril purr is a beautiful sound indeed....

8. Ferrets are awesome!

Gratitude - 12/15/2018

It's been a busy couple of months. I've spent quite a bit of time with family, getting things started for surgery, working with my advocate for a meeting in March and looking for work. While I have been too busy to blog much, I wanted to sit down and share my gratitude for some blessings today.

1. I was able to sit down and pay bills. Very grateful that I had the resources to pay them.

2. Bug stayed over last night. I woke up early listening to him recite and feeling my body being squished up against Teddy and it was sweet. I am tired, but happy to have the time with Bug. Teddy is such a warm dog that he helps keep me warm too.

3. I have a great quilt. It is thick and warm and with a duvet cover it looks amazing. I love snuggling under the covers when it is cold because I feel warm and toasty.

4. I am grateful for my treadmill. I am able to walk at my own pace when I can and get some exercise in even when it is cold outside. Some days my knees and ankles won't take it, but on others I can just walk at my leisure while watching a TV program.

5. I am thankful for a freezer full of food. Can't be thankful enough that I have good food to eat. Not everyone does and I am thankful.

6. I love coloring books. I enjoy listening to books and coloring. I don't do it very often, but when I need to rest and can't be on my feet I enjoy it more than I would just watching television.

7. I love the Christmas tree. Bug decorated it himself this year and it is just gorgeous. I like taking a few minutes to just sit and look at it. It's a bit restful and wonderful to just enjoy and think.

8. I enjoyed reading on sharks over the last few days. They are one of my favorite species and I have had fun this evening studying and writing about them.

What are you thankful for today?

Wrong Number

I got a phone call around 4:30 this morning. I woke up quickly feeling an almost immediate sense of panic- after all nobody calls at that time in the morning unless something is wrong- and breathlessly answered the phone. I feel extremely blessed today. Of all the things I quickly imagined getting a call from so early- Rob or Bug being severely ill, ditto with a beloved Aunt or Uncle, or random images of other terrifying possibilities. Instead I got a nice man asking for a gentleman that I didn't know. When I said he wasn't here I got an explanation that the caller was from security down at the lab (I'm guessing Jackson lab but it is only a guess.) We quickly figured out that he had transposed two numbers while dialing and he was quite apologetic. I must have been amusing myself because I know that my voice exuded gratitude and not annoyance as he might have expected. So I started this day grateful for the safety of family and friends and I carry that feeling as a talisman today as I go about doing errands and housework. While it is frustrating that I took a medication to sleep and finally was successful at sleeping past 4am... I find myself too thankful to get all worked up about it. I do wonder what was going on at the 'lab' though. Curiosity about that tinges the gratitude a tiny bit. :)

Catch Up

Whew! Sometimes life just sneaks up on you. I feel like I will be coasting along pretty well for a bit and then the world tips slightly and everything slides to the side and falls down. Then I end up spending way too much time trying to pick everything back up and level up my life again. IT doesn't necessarily mean that everything is bad, just a jumble of positive and negative tumbled together that needs to be carefully winnowed out and restored to its appropriate place in my life. These times are hard but something I try to be thankful for. After all, these times help define our goals and then our lives. You never learn as much as you do when you are trying to evaluate what is important and necessary and what must be laid aside... no matter how important it still feels to you. The Buddhist principle of impermanence is a wonderful thing to learn even if it isn't a principle that is the slightest bit easy or comfortable... at least its not for me.

Overall, things are going OK. Finances are still pretty shaky and I am not fully stable as I would like to be in that regard. However, I have plenty to eat and my insurance is covering the majority of my medical bills- I can't fathom what I would do without insurance with my health problems. Just this month alone I have six appointment and 2 MRIs. My monthly doctor's visits would put me into bankruptcy if I didn't have insurance. Having Ehler's Danlos can be a bit of a trial sometimes and having insurance really is critical fro a decent quality of life. I am very grateful that I do have health insurance and wish that this country could get it together and provide single payer healthcare. No one should have to go without healthcare due to expense.

I am back to wearing a brace on my left ankle as it doesn't want to stay fully in its socket. The brace is controlling it well so I tend to have moments that I forget I am dealing with that problem. I have learned not to sit on it or to sit indian style- those are errors I will pay for fairly quickly both in inappropriate joint movement and pain. I also am trying to learn to pivot more slowly instead of quick turning 'jolts' to change direction.

MY car has been fixed and for the moment the fuzzy parts of the household are healthy. Watson passed away last weekend and that has been a sad experience- I still feel like I can see him lope along in my peripheral vision when I am moving throughout the house. However, everyone that was very ill has passed on at this point and I am hopeful for a period of time of good health for me and my fuzzy companions.

Sleep has improved a bit which is helpful. I would definitely prefer better sleep every day- the nightmares are not helpful most nights. However, they are improving or at least I'm having fewer of them... that's progress! Sometimes when I wake up from a nightmare, I hear the lyrics of a BareNaked Ladies song in my head:

I wake up scared. I wake up strange. Its the hair shirt I wear. This hair shirt is woven from your brown hair. This song is the cross that I bear... bear with me... bear with me... - "What a Good Boy"

Strange lyrics for strange dreams I guess...

I hate when I get so busy that I do not write. I really like writing. I should do it more.

My Week

Its been a bit of a week. So much has happened that I feel differing quantities of happiness and sorrow and sometimes those emotions co-mingle and I just feel tired and ready to fall down and sleep. With so many things to think about, my brain is full so I thought I would empty some of my gratitude here.

I had to say goodbye to Flutterfly this week. The insulinoma had grown too strong for her increasingly frail body and as she started to struggle to a point where I didn't see any positives left, I sadly took her to be euthanized. This is happening more frequently as all of my ferrets but one are elderly and, in some ways, it can be argued that I am running a ferret nursing home. She was a good and kind ferret who gave me kisses everyday and was a pleasure to spend time with. She had her moments- all ferrets do- but I am so grateful to have had the opportunity to get to know her, to watch her play and sleep, and to just enjoy her company. She is very missed.

I am grateful for work and so thankful this week was pay week. I paid most of my bills and managed to pick up a few small CPR classes so that I am pretty much caught up on everything. I got to go hangout for a bit at a beautiful kid's summer camp and enjoy the view, the weather, and even a few great meals. That was a marvelous opportunity and I am so glad to have had it.

I went to the beach this week and spent two hours watching Brock swim and looking for shells and throwing sticks for Teddy. I haven't been to the ocean since the divorce and it was wonderful to go and just wade in it and enjoy the mixture of warmth and cool, the rocky ground and soft shells and even a few jellyfish. It was a wonderful time and I was able to come home and sleep for a few hours- the deepest and best sleep I managed to get all week.

I managed to make a new ferret friend this month who is sending me lots of stuff for my guys to not only make them more comfortable, but also make it easier for me to put off laundry. As I have to go to the laundromat to clean things, that is a blessing indeed.

Bug climbs Blue Hill mountain every week and I love to get the pictures of him up on the mountain. He really enjoys the walk/ climb and does most of it barefoot.

So lots of good, bad, sadness and more. Looking forward to the new week.

Busy Time

The last month or so has been very busy for me. On top of my usual responsibilities and life changes, one of my co-workers has been out with surgery and recovery time and I have been trying to take her place. I have known for a while that working full-time for me- at least in the jobs that I've had over the last few years - is no longer physically possible for me for long periods of time. This was a great experiment as I was able to sort of see how long I could work full time before my body complains too loudly. I discovered that I can't work too much without having significant health issues. I am very grateful that my coworker is back and my hours have been cut back down. As much as I need the money... I definitely don't need the physical pain that I was getting.

Since I've been so busy with work I really haven't accomplished very much else. I have some genealogy that I've been trying to work on and I have been very slow at accomplishing it. I've looked at a few online sources for doing college classes that I can get for free- I would like to take more classes but I'm not sure I want to go on to a graduate degree- and I haven't spent any time following up on those either. I've done the bare minimum on my housework and I'm grateful to have some time off to try to make my house cleaned up and enjoyable again.

I have quite a lot to be grateful for. I'm so thankful and thrilled to be able to spend some time with Katey this weekend. I'm grateful for the time to work on getting my body back to a more stable condition. I've had some time to catch up on housework and I have a fridge full of fresh food. I recently had some flooding in my house and I am fully caught up in getting that picked up, cleaned up, and getting everything back to normal. I have most of my garden pots and beds set up for the season and filled with dirt and compost... I'm almost ready to add seedlings. I have happy feline companions and the mice are hanging in there as well. I've had time to read some books and catch up on paperwork. I'm able to end this day resting on my couch enjoying a few episodes of "Red Dwarf." I have a cup of cinnamon tea and dried bananas to snack on. In essence, I have been better, but I'm doing well. I have a few BLS classes over the next few days, a day at the pharmacy, and family time this week. This is a week to rest in spare moments and get ready to get back to my normal priorities and work load next week. So I'll rest up and get ready for what the future holds. Let's see what happens next.

Today

I have a lot on my mind today. I had a wonderful day with Brock and some great food. I'm so grateful for the time that I have to spend with family and I loved listening to Brock tell me about the things that interest him. My heart is full of so many things and I don't know how to articulate very many of them nor should I share all of them. What I wouldn't give for a pensieve some days... to just siphon off the extra thoughts and emotions and to be able to look for the patterns and the understanding in them and I'm more detached and unbiased manner. I bet all of us could use that every once in awhile.

I had got to spend a little bit of time today going through paperwork and old school assignments and over the next few months I'm going to post a lot of that stuff here. Some of it is very scholarly stuff such as history essays, lesson plans, etc... some of it is thoughts on assignments and things that I read for classes... and some of it is just research and other information that I think I'd like to keep for future use and perusal. So this is your warning that I'm going to start posting a bunch of mismatched sort of stuff in the next few weeks. I really have taken so many varied classes over the years....

I got as much rest as I could today and I'm looking forward to work tomorrow. Here's to a peaceful evening with a few episodes of Mrs Brown's Boys.

Gratitude - 3/4/18

Its been a busy few weeks and I have found myself interested in writing, but the thought slides to the back of my mind each time as I have found other distractions. Many of the distractions were minor and I have accomplished a lot of my list of backlogged items - CPR paperwork, housework, etc... but I had a few nice things happen over the last weeks and I was able to get through a few interviews as well as other needful appointments without too many problems. I get so much anxiety when appointments do not go as well as planed and it was a relief to find a way to fix some of the problems without the anxiety overwhelming me for days. Lots to be thankful for.

1. I am warm and dry. My rental home is small and with all my pets it is seriously full, but it is comfortable and I weathered the most recent wind storm and weather. The wind was strong enough that I needed to keep the house a little warmer, but I never lost power and my feline companions seemed comfortable even with the lower temps in the house.

2. I got a great meal of zucchini spaghetti and meatballs that my ex cooked up for Bug and I today and I watched the Muppet Movie with Bug while we ate. Just a nice snuggle with films and food. It was lovely. I am way too lazy to make my own meat balls and I must confess, Rob makes excellent ones.

3. I made a cake that was really good today. Making a good cake that is gluten free in NOT my strong suit and the recipe that a friend gave me was too awesome for words. It took the cake longer to cook than it did for all three of us to consume it. It was awesome.

4. I got to see an old episode of the "The Simpsons" and my mind smiled when I heard some of the fun phrases from my childhood- "Don't have a cow man!" and "Ow... quit it. Ow... quit it. Ow... quit it" While it was never my favorite show, hearing those phrases brought a smile to my face. I got to see the episode when they got their dog and remembering that they 'rescued' the dog made me smile too. It's been a long time since I have heard the bastardized versions of Jingle Bells and Rudolph the Reindeer that I used to sing. (Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer, you'll go down in history... like Attila the Hun.) I found myself smiling and singing along.

5. Cyril and Footie both went out of their way to ask for attention from me today. That isn't a common thing in my house and I loved it. They are shy spuds and I love the fact that they are slowly becoming more sociable.

6. I got a great shirt for the Turnstyle this week for work. You can never have too many awesome work shirts. It really changes the tone of my day if I feel like I look good at work. So I can't wait to show it off!

7. I got to chat with my nephews for a few minutes the last few Sunday evenings which is a great blessing. I have some amazing family and I love to speak to them. I hope to do it more in the future. :)

8. It's been a great Sabbath. I'm going to end the day with a friend helping to care for one of her pets and after my day with Bug, I feel content. Tomorrow work commences, but for tonight, I can still rest.

What are you grateful for today?

Gratitude - 1/20/18

1. I volunteer every Saturday for about six hours at the local thrift shop. There is a large bin that is filled with bags of clothing to go through and every week, I struggle to get the bags as low as I can... to come back and do it again the next Saturday. Every time I make a dent- sometime quite a large one- but I rarely create enough of a dent to have it remain throughout the week. Today, alone with another volunteer, we emptied it. It was completely empty with no work to be done. That is an amazing feeling. It feels a bit odd to look at the work and realize that there is no more to be done. While there will be plenty more next week, it felt lovely to see that empty bin and recognize it for what it was- a job well done.

2. I hadn't been able to take the time around the holidays to watch all the Christmas movies that I had been hopeful to watch. I had a few new ones to watch and the one I was most hopeful to enjoy I had missed. Therefore, I thought it prudent to enjoy my spare time this evening to enjoy "A Christmas Carol" with Sir Patrick Stewart. It held all the promise I had hoped for and more. I haven't sat and 'just' watched a film in ages. It was wonderful. A few parts of it gave me cause to ponder, but one particular piece of a line caught my ear and has held it after I have turned off the film.

.... the torture of remorse... - Jacob Marley

Definitely something to think upon...

3. When I fed all my companions last night, I manged to get a picture of all of them together except Footie. It is a bit awe inspiring to see them all together and realize how many there are and how much 'mass' they seem to take up together. I am so blessed and so grateful for each and everyone of them. Like an attached parent, I can not imagine my world without each one of them and I am aware that the loss of even one would feel horrible. To watch them together is to smile and , when I tuck into bed at night, I never go alone. I awake in the morning hearing a quiet rumble of purrs and I feel content.

4. I was able to get an amazing deal on a 100% wool queen size blanket. The warmth I felt the few minutes I used it was wonderful and I am looking forward to using it all winter!

5. I found a really interesting pair of pants in my travels today. I recognized the seal before I read the words and as I looked at it, I thought of my Uncle Rick and I missed my family in Utah. I have some amazing relatives out west- in Utah, Washington, Oregon, Idaho and Las Vegas_ and I do not see them as much as I would like. This symbol reminded me of my desire for good things for them, my love for them, and the hopes of a peaceful week for each of them.

A good evening to all. :)

Gratitude - 1/8/2018

1. I had another PT appointment today. I go to several appointments to try and fix one particular joint and then they move onto another one. Today's appointment was for my left ankle. Out of all my bothersome joints, the left ankle is the biggest problem. So today I got to sit down with Jacques and look at pictures of my ankle when I damaged it three years ago. Then we scanned through x-rays and notes and then we got to work. I am so grateful that I have health insurance that will cover the therapies I need to try and get my ligaments and tendons strong enough to hold the joints in. I am not sure what I would do without it.

2. I love Brock's hamster. She is named 'Duck' and she is just the sweetest, most kindly soul I have ever seen in a hamster. She reminds me of a hamster I had when Bug was born names Adonis. She takes good care of herself and won't over eat even though Bug WAY overfeeds her. She will sit in your hand and look into your eyes and I lose myself in their depths. Watching her is restful and peaceful. She is a very old lady at almost two years old, but I am grateful to have her in my life.

3. I am so grateful I got caught up on CPR paperwork. I have been avoiding that like the plague, but it's done and ready for the mail tomorrow! I will have more to do in a few days, but at least I am caught up now.

4. Several years ago, my Uncle Rick gave me a huge stack of DVD's. Once in a while I will open the package up and pop one in the player and either enjoy something I've seen before or discover something new that I probably would not have seen if he hadn't given me a copy. Tonight I enjoyed an oldie but goodie (My Cousin Vinny) and a new one (Lake Placid). I was able to do my paperwork, eat a decent dinner, and enjoy some really silly films at the same time.

5. As part of #4, I am grateful I do not live anywhere where I could go to a large and be eaten by a 28 foot long crocodile. Even if the film was set in Maine. :)

6. I have extra days at work this week and while my legs will whine, my bank account will smile.

7. My plants are still alive even though the winter is cold and they are by the windows... and even though my cats sit on them and squash them flat. The root systems should help keep them going until the summer comes so I can watch them bloom again. I love indoor plants for so many reasons, but one reason is that I love their resiliency.

8. I was able to take several bags of donations that I sorted out from volunteering on Saturday and take it to a cool place called the Community Closet. They were thrilled to get the clothing and I was glad someone wanted it.

9. I feel warm and have lots of warm clothing to hang out in at home. I have a roof over my head and good food to eat. My car keeps limping along and gets me to were I need to go. That's always a good start to every day.

What are you thankful for today?

Lazy Day at Home

I've been fighting a migraine most of the day. They are always the same. Smells and light feel to strong and to bright... I feel painfully aware of them. The smell of something I would usually find pleasant now hurts and makes me wince and makes my breathing hitch because the more I smell the worse it gets. The pressure builds around my left septum and up through the left side of my head and as it feels like everything is swelling, I feel the vision fade. As the pressure builds up, I watch my vision in my left eye fade and more towards my nasal cavity ... so that looking straight ahead can make seeing anything on the left side impossible with only a little visual help from my right eye. I haven't used Relpax in awhile, but I eagerly sought it out today. In two hours I decided I needed another tablet and my vision was so screwy and the tablet so well protected in its tight sheath that I was unable to open it. I was able to have the second dose only after using scissors to try and break it out and when that failed, the small child I was watching opened it for me. (It is a bizarre testament to the strength of the packaging that nothing I could do opened it, but a six year old child with nails opened it with ease.... and yes, I showered her with gifts afterwards.)

I am so grateful that I was able to stay home today. If I had gone and had to drive back in the storm I am not sure I would have made it home safely. The opportunity to end this day sitting in the dark watching the blizzard outside from the warmth of the couch. The words 'bomb cyclone' sounded really scary... and I think it would have been if I had been out it in... but I feel safe and warm inside my home. I have so much in my thoughts right now, but I have much to be grateful for too. I hope for all to be warm and safe tonight.

Gratitude - 12/11/2017

1. I am so grateful for a working car. It may not look like much, but it gets me to where I need to go and that is a blessing.

2. I am grateful for the discovery of cooked turkey for cat food. Melrose is never full and the quantity of food that skinny cat can eat is phenomenal. Being able to fill a bowl with shreds of roast turkey has been a godsend the last week or so. I'm going to cook another one this weekend.

3. I am grateful for my toes. Lately, they have started to pull apart and pop right out of their sockets which has been very uncomfortable, but I can easily move them back into place each and every time. I don't have to see doctors or deal with much more than the discomfort of their movement and I can still stand and walk well. Toes are amazing little critters and I can't imagine how well I would stand without them no matter how hypermobile they are..

4. Somewhere in this world, someone is probably being chased by a lion or another animal that doesn't have benign intentions towards them. I am grateful that I am safe and warm at home and do not have to worry about my safety.

5. I am grateful for hugs.

6. I love my feline companions and cannot imagine a world without them. They truly enrich my life so many times a day that I could never keep count.

7. I am thankful for an amazing ex who made me leftovers for the beginning of this week so that i could focus on other things.

8. I feel a bit sad that Cuddles needed to be put to sleep this week, but I am so grateful for the time and love she gave me. An unexpected blessing when she cam into my life, but he is already missed. Bug is already trying to con me into getting another one to hug. Bug really loves hugs and so do I :)

9. I love CPR students who really want to learn and take joy in the learning. It make teaching a joyful and fulfilling process.

10. I am so happy that Remus is doing so, so well. He seems happy and doesn't seem to miss his tail at all. He is just settling in to feeling happy and healthy. That is a relief and joy to write. So...

11. I am grateful to amazing veterinarians so help try and make pets and furry companions live healthy, happy lives. I don't know what I would do without them in the background ready when I need them. Having a good relationship with a veterinarian is just as important to me as the relationship that I have with my own doctor so I am thankful that I have that... even if I use him way too much sometimes.

What are you thankful for today?

Gratitude- 12/4/2017

1. I love having the opportunity to volunteer in my community. I work alongside so many nice women with a multitude of life experiences and I love hearing about their lives and family.

2. I love my Bug. He is a mixture of wonderful and frustrating in a gorgeous teenage package. Watching him eat (and the quantity of it) reminds me of myself decades ago. It makes me smile.

3. I love my Nook. I got it for wicked cheap when I was in Utah visiting my grandfather for the last time and I love haven't a book to read anywhere that I go. It's so convenient to curl up with and gives me more options for reading.... with four huge bookshelves in my house I could use some more 'compact' storage. :)

4. I love having the opportunity to draw and goof off with pastels, pencils and trying to re-create the images that are the brainchild of other artists... so I can read about their motivations and try to learn to recreate their images. A challenging but fun process.

5. I love having my own Minion. His purr and weight are extremely comforting and he is simply a mellow soul and quite gorgeous.

6. I am grateful for my pile of blankets. It is a joy to be able to have enough blankets that if one gets dirty I can change it without having to plan a quick trip to the laundromat.

7. I am grateful for sister-in-laws. Some of the most powerful blessings and relationships in my life have come from these two women. I am more grateful to them for their care and friendship that I can express.

8. I am grateful for post it notes. They are extremely convenient as I wade through piles of paperwork and prepare different tasks simultaneously. They are a bit silly, but make planning ahead easier.

9. I am grateful for canned pears- they are so good and I can eat them all year including December in Maine. Enough said.

10. I am so thankful that Remus got his surgery today. That takes a load off of my mind and will make his life so much easier and pain free. Tail today... gone tomorrow.

What are you grateful for today?

Grief

Someone once told me that grief hurts so much because it is love that has nowhere to go. The love you have that you want to share is trapped inside you and escapes through your tears and the shaking that those tears create in the rest of your body. Most days I am doing well. I have so many wonderful things happening and I have so much to point to with gratitude and joy. But some days, I find it harder to focus on the good things. I found myself sitting with Bug today watching different pieces of the Harry Potter films and thinking about my grandparents. I thought of my grandmother laughing, serving turkey and gravy to everyone with a dishtowel tucked into her apron. I thought of the look she would get when she would look at me- like I was an amazing treasure in her eyes. I thought of my grandfather and how just a few months ago, I was able to sit next to his hospital bed and hold his hand. I could feel the warmth and strength in it... and also the fragility. When I left to return to Maine I cried, because I was worried it was the last time I would see him alive... and it was.

I have spent much of this evening thinking of both of my grandparents who I didn't get to spend enough of my time with and lost so much time with them that I dearly wish I could have now. So sometimes, I find myself sitting quietly in the dark with the tears running so quickly down my face that everything is a blur and my glasses are too coated to afford vision. And while I sit and pray and feel desperately alone in my grief, I hear the small soft sounds of cat paws. And within a few minutes I am no longer alone. I have Mina glued to my side like coconut oil and Minion's comforting weight upon my lap. I listen to Roccu sitting on the top of the couch behind me, purring fit to burst. And for that moment, the darkness seems to ease and I no longer feel alone. No, I didn't have enough time with my grandparents and I regret that very much. But I am also grateful because I was given more time with them than I might have gotten. Grief is a process and I know I will work through it, but for tonight it holds me in its grip and I will embrace it until I am able to feel the peace enter my heart again. I know I will see them both again someday, but for now that feels like 'some day' too long.

Nothing worth having comes without some kind of fight... Got to kick at the darkness 'til it bleeds daylight - Barenaked Ladies

Notice

I gave notice at work today. It felt very brave as I do not have another sure fire job lined up and in some ways quiting can be seen as a pretty stupid move without something else in the bag. I must confess the feeling of relief and peace I feel is pretty overwhelming. It's a mark of how bad things are when you tell your boss that you are leaving and his first words are "You can't do that - we love you! What did we do to you..." That is such an interesting way of responding- control, need, and then acknowledgment that the environment is so poor I must be leaving due to poor treatment. And he's not wrong... I am. It took a few hours to really sink in for him and at one point he asked if I was really serious I must be kidding (I'm not). In the end, I tentatively agreed to stay per diem for a few weeks and see how that goes, but I think my heart is already gone. I love Lily and Sara and Toni and Jane- I have some amazing co-workers- but the damaging culture is just too much. The peace I feel with making the decision even though this decision will create more trials for me is profound. I am so grateful for the ability and opportunity to kneel in prayer and discuss my concerns and to feel heard most of the time... even when I do not like the answers. I am not totally sure how I am going to move forward right now... or at least I haven't pinpointed a firm direction and focus. But I am content with my current choice so let's see where it leads me... and celebrate with french fries (doesn't everyone? :D )

On a silly note, I enjoyed my Valentine's day with my kitties very much and there was much love all around. There is much to be thankful for.

Good Thoughts

I've been struggling a bit for the last few days. I have stopped taking some of my abdominal medications and it is pretty amazing to me exactly how much the meds were helping. I had managed to take them for so long that I didn't really remember how much abdominal pain and nausea I tended to live with and now it is back... and wow, I don't like it much. That said I have so much good going on right now so I thought I would count some of my blessings so to speak. :)

1. It's school vacation and I am caught up in all my classes with all of them graded except for one; I got all A's and B's so I can't whine about that. One of the classes was a math class and it is the first time in my life that I have passed an Algebra class! For full disclosure, I had lots of help. I was tutored, used three different texts from outside of class as well as a Teaching Company/ Great Courses class and three smartphone algebra game apps. Not to mention friends and sometimes spending as much as two hours on one question. But I passed- one more math class and my degree will pretty much be mine- all my requirements will be completed. I'm getting there!

2. I am doing pretty well with not biting my nails. I've tried to stop a few times in my life and I am at the crucial point where the nails are long enough they are starting to break. This is where I usually break down and start biting them, but I have been doing well and trying to cut and file them instead.


3. I have a wonderful household of animal companions that keep me company, give me love and affection and even make me laugh. While I probably have too many, like children... I don't know who I would live without if I needed too. So, like family, they stay and I wouldn't have it any other way.

4. I have a fun home and I am warm in this pretty cold and icy weather. I have a few close friends that I adore and who genuinely care for me and while work is a challenge, I have a few co-workers that I really love and can't imagine my life without which is an amazing blessing as well. I have food and water... and even a little ice cream. :D

5. I spend a great deal of my free time with Bug or in service to others which is a gift and helps keep me busy as well.

6. Even though I do have some health complaints, I am doing pretty well. I wish that taking care of myself was easier, but it could be much worse and having a safe place with companions to recover in means the world.

7. I was recently able to visit with some family and that is a gift that I cherish everyday.

8. I live in Maine- it is so beautiful here. I love being rural and being able to have a little space of my own. Being able to not feel super crowded is precious.

9. I love reading and currently have many new books to choose from. I am taking advantage of my vacation to do some fun reading and I have pretty much finished every Nero Wolfe book I got! On to Hamish Macbeth!

10. Who can't smile with silly ferrets around :)

What do you have to be grateful for today?

Today...

Things are going pretty well for me right now. I am so much to be grateful for and I love having the last few days of some rest with family. Bug is so tall and I enjoy spending my weekends with him laughing, cooking and just enjoying him grow. I'm looking forward... hoping for a much better year than the last for me and for so many others. Let's see what's in store for all of us. :)

A Lazy Sunday

Today was much needed. I spent most of the day with my Bug and we hiked, cooked, ate brownies, and laughed. I am finishing the day with lots of drawing and completing of homework for the week. However I thought I would share the joy of the rest today in pictures..... enjoy. :)

I feel very blessed and grateful today. I hope all of you had a wonderful Sabbath experience and day today. :)