Abuse in the Church

Abuse is never an easy subject to talk about let alone try to stop. At first it seems like a black and white issue because nobody likes abuse and everybody thinks it is unacceptable behavior. The problems come in the ways we try to recognize and deal with abuse. In a patriarchal society, most victims of abuse are women and children and many of these victims have to deal with unintentional additional trauma on top of the primary abuse such as not being believed, not getting support, difficulty healing from the trauma of the abuse, etc... Sometimes we as family, friends, and community members can make the problems worse for the victim. When we don't believe them, we tell them that their experience is not real and we do not trust them. When we don't support them, we make people feel like they need to stay in abusive relationships longer because they cannot leave them without our support. When people need to talk to heal and we do not listen and empathize, we make healing a much harder thing for victims to do. Recognizing and dealing with abuse is a very complex subject indeed.

Currently, the LDS church is trying to find a way to deal with the allegations of abuse that have recently hit the national media. So far, I admit I do not find comfort and empathy in the way that the institutional church have reacted to the situation. Even when an accuser is heard on tape admitting to the abuse, the institutional church has tried to victim shame, support laws that would make recordings like the one recently released illegal, and downplay the situation as much as possible. While this is a way that most of us collectively and individually may instinctively deal with abuse... I hold the church of my heart to a higher standard and I confess to disappointment at the responses given. One of the reasons that I am so disappointed is that I've heard stories like this from people both in person and online from friends, family, and acquaintances for years. It is so clear that abuse happens and as a church, we react poorly. Some bishops tell women to stay in abusive situations, tell them the abuse is their fault, and punish them for the sins of their partners. I know of rape victims who have been disfellowshipped because they are considered to have fault in their rape. I know women who have been cheated on by their spouse and their church leaders have made it very clear that if they leave their spouse, they (the victim) are the one in the wrong. I'm not writing this to complain about the institutional church because plenty of people are doing that already and I don't think it will be of any help. However, I am concerned about some of the ways that we as members personally are dealing with abuse. As individuals I think we can do a lot better to combat abuse and one of the things that will help that goal is discussion. There are few reasons that discussion can help and change the situation for the better.

1. Open discussion on such a contentious topic makes it clear that the topic is of import and vital. If we are unwilling to discuss abuse then we are sending an unintentional but clear message. That message is that abuse does not matter and is something that is so rare that it is not necessary to discuss. That in itself can make victims keep their silence and hide their problems because they worry about how they will be treated.... by us. By opening discussing a contentious topic and ways to recognize and disavow abuse we are making it clear that not only is the topic important, but we want to help victims and we want to create an environment where abuse is not tolerated. It is not enough to say abuse is not tolerated... we must create an environment where all members know that abuse is not acceptable and will not be tolerated no matter what.

2. With discussions open, we must as individual members make it clear that we personally do not accept abuse and are open and willing to help the victims of abuse. We need to be trustworthy and hold ourselves and those around us to those high standards. We cannot change those standards based on who the abuser or victim is... For instance, if the abuser is our best friend we cannot change our mind on what the standards are. The standards of zero tolerance for abuse must be enforced no matter how trustworthy and kind-hearted the abuser may be seen in our community. Should we do research to try and confirm abuse? Absolutely. But we need to start with belief, empathy, and love. We need to offer support and whatever we have to offer to help the victim get the support and resources they need to heal. We need to work to become true disciples of Christ.. to be there for people in these situations. We also need to recognize that it is not easy to prove abuse and we need to do our best for the victims whether abuse is clearly proven or not.

3. In our communities and our wards, we need to make it clear with lessons and through the hierarchy (bishops, stake presidents, etc) that abuse is unacceptable. Lessons discussing abuse, the trauma caused, and local resources to help victims are key to helping our church community acknowledge and learn to recognize abuse and how to help those suffering from it. Teaching empathy, understanding, and instilling a desire to help victims is so important. I feel quite safe in saying that there is at least one person in every single ward/ church community who is struggling with this problem and that person does not necessarily believe that they will get help or even be believed... and this is a serious problem. We cannot mourn with those who mourn and comfort them if we will not even give them the benefit of the doubt. When victims need recommendations for treatment, it is so important the bishops and other ecclesiastical leaders do not make recommendations that they are not able to professionally make. Recognizing where your experience and talents leave you weak is very important for our church leaders and referring victims to people with more experience, depth of understanding, and knowledge of abuse is key.

4. Lastly, we -both individually and collectively- as church members need to learn how to deal with contention and ineffective communication patterns. There's so many things that cause contention between church members: personal differences in opinion, lifestyle choices, differing understanding of doctrine and church policy... yet so many of us have never learned how to deal with contention. Many of us have learned to do anything to avoid contention which causes passive aggressive behavior, gossip, "tattling" to authority figures instead of appropriate first-hand discussion, shunning, etc... Contention is not always a negative and can be used by people to gain empathy and understanding for different people and different viewpoints. I state this knowing that I struggle with some of these same problems and I too do not always how to best deal with contention.

I saw an example of some of this failure online today. I saw one member try to have a discussion about abuse in the church and then the conversation was shut down as contentious. The conversation deteriorated further into anger, name calling, and 'tattling' in the hopes of negative consequences for one of the parties. There was only one thing that I am sure of that probably resulted from this conversation- anybody who read it who is currently being abused is not going to say a word or feel comfortable asking for help. She is going to stay silent and hidden because she can easily see the trouble she will open up for herself. This is not the way things should be in the church. And this is why open and deep discussion is so desperately needed.

If each of us could work together to make some of former changes in our lives, we can become the change that we seek. For instance, creating a strong network of support that will exist for all church members where there is no expectation that a perfect personal facade needs to be maintained, victims can comfortably turn to others for support and relief without fear of condemnation or negative judgment. That allows victims to feel strong enough to be able to speak up and get the help that they need. By committing ourselves to practice patience, empathy, understanding, and love in our relationships with others, we create a positive and nurturing environment for ourselves and others. When we help others by having empathy for them, we invite empathy towards our own frailties. We can also work to become better communicators and resist polarizing passive aggressive word choices in our conversations with others. We can become more involved in community resources for abuse victims so that we have a better knowledge base of how best to support and help abuse victims of all ages. We can be introspective and fight to eradicate the seeds of abuse within our own actions and lives.

As church members, we are asked to participate in making the world better. We must do all we can to prevent abuse and then do everything possible to assist and heal the victims of abuse that does occur. In addition we must school ourselves so that we do not commit abuse and create victims of our own. These suggestions require a great deal of energy, humility, and commitment so I recognize but my suggestions are hard. However, if we do not protect and help heal those of trauma and abuse in our own communities... How can we end the cycle of abuse for anyone?

President Gordon B Hinckley (1985) once stated - "There appears to be a plague of child abuse spreading across the world. Perhaps it is always been with us but has not received the attention it presently receives. I'm glad there is a hue and cry going up against this terrible evil, too much of which is found among our own." Even though two decades have gone by since this statement, abuse is still happening... too much of which is found among our own. For many of us, the church is a safe place and we do not believe these things happen in it. We believe that the gospel makes us different from other people outside of our faith who abuse others and that therefore we are protected from the horrors of abuse. As long as we continue to ignore abuse in our midst or make it impossible for abuse to be dealt with... the specter of abuse will always be waiting for when we turn on the light.

Happy Thanksgiving! :)

This post is most of my notes from a talk that I gave in Sacrament meeting last Thanksgiving. I thought that I would share it here. Happy Thanksgiving, my friends :)

I am very honored to have the opportunity to speak on this Sabbath day. I have been given the topic of gratitude and what it means to me. I found this topic a little difficult because of my current and recent challenges but also because I believe that gratitude is seen by many as a noun... something you have... whereas I guess I see gratitude as a verb and something that must constant be active to be useful. The ability to see shortcomings or to find things to complain about is easy. In some ways, self pity and other self absorbing emotions or behaviors as easy as well. But the cultivation of true gratitude in our lives is more difficult. True gratitude often includes a sense of gratitude that is combined with a sincere desire to repay others for what we have been given. This is not to say an external or imposed obligation is what is suggested. This sense of obligation that comes with our thankfulness arises naturally within us as a recognition of our blessings and how we have been supported and cared for by others. To be blunt, gratitude is not the same as indebtedness.

Gratitude is such a simple word and yet, this word describes an act, attitude and lifestyle that is complex, intricate, requires sincere introspection, and is one of the most important aspects of the gospel. We cannot truly live the gospel or understand the Atonement itself without some strong understanding of the idea and necessity of this emotion. A few scriptures help illustrate this:

DC 46:7 - But ye are commanded in all things to ask God, who giveth liberally; and that which the Spirit testifies unto you even so I would that ye should do in all holiness of heart, walking uprightly before me, considering the end of your salvation, doing all things with prayer and thanksgiving, that ye may not be seduced by evil spirits, or doctrines of devils, or the commandments of men; for some are of men, and others of devils.

DC 78:19 - And he who receiveth all things with thankfulness shall be made glorious; and the things of this earth shall be added unto him, even an hundred fold, yea, more.

An ancient Roman Philosopher (Cicero) once stated “Gratitude is not only the greatest of the virtues but the parent of all others.” A strong foundation of gratitude in our lives is necessary for all of us and more especially when we are faced with challenges. Sometimes our trials will make us feel weak – whether it is a weakness in our physical body, our spirit, or other difficulties.... gratitude gives us a foundation with which to begin to become stronger. Sometimes, in our weaknesses, this is the only step that we are able to take to help ourselves. In our moments of devastation and despair how many of us have been able to pray to our father and thank him for the things and blessings that we have? If you have been able to do this at times in your life, do you remember the comfort and peace you felt from what would seem a simple act?

A well known LDS speaker (Meg Johnson) once said “gratitude from your mouth is “thank you” and gratitude from your heart is “I love you” This week, most of us here had the opportunity to celebrate the holiday of thanksgiving. Some of us met with family members, traveled distances to join with relatives... and many of us celebrated by eating too much food. :) Thanksgiving as a national holiday is only one day a year, but we as members of this church know that we need to give thanks and show gratitude on a daily basis- in our prayers, in our thoughts, in our attitudes. My brothers and sisters, do we remember to give thanks....?

In my life that I have when I sit down quietly and begin to thank Heavenly Father for them. During times of great struggle (and there have been a few) I have found that one of the ways I am able to find a way to smile and continue my responsibilities and trying to move forward in my goals is to sit down with pen and paper and just quietly think and write all the blessings that would come to mind. After a few minutes of this intentional introspection I would find it almost impossible to continue feeling sad or picked on or the pain of the struggle I cannot say hat those feelings truly went away but I have found that gratitude helped make those feelings seem less enormous and less dragon-like and overwhelming. No matter what the circumstances in your life all of us have so much that we can be grateful for... we just need to pause and look for them. Gordon B Hinckley said “ When you walk with gratitude, you do not walk with arrogance and conceit and egotism, you walk with the spirit of thanksgiving that is becoming to you and will bless your lives.”

What can we do to help promote the feelings and attitude of gratitude in our lives? One thing that we can do is to actively work on being positive and to actively fight our human tendencies to complain, to look out for ourselves and not others and to see the negative more easily than the generous amounts of 'positive' things in our lives. Taking the time and mental focus to 'catch' ourselves when we are freeing negatively, when we are expressing and focusing on the negatives in our lives... and to work to change these thoughts and behaviors can make big differences in our lives. Even small steps and attempts can make huge changes.

Brothers and Sisters, Jesus himself has given us so many examples of gratitude. Two that come immediately to mind is the miracle of the loaves and fishes (Matthew 15:4) and the miraculous healing of the ten lepers. All were so thankful for food and healing and felt peace and joy for the gift, but how many showed gratitude to the Savior for the gift itself? Of the lepers, we know that only one took the time to express his gratitude to the Savior. The lepers were clearly pleased and thankful for the wonderful opportunities that were now available to them... so happy that they were unable to do anything but immediately jump into the activities and opportunities that they now could enjoy and not giving a thought to the giver.

How many of us become so excited and pleased at the gifts that we are given that we too forget to show gratitude for the blessings and gifts that we are thankful for? And how often are we unable to see past the negative thoughts and emotions we struggle with over the blessings that we feel we lack and deserve? C.S. Lewis once said “not only heaven but all this earthly past will have been heaven to those who are saved.” Can you imagine? As we work towards a greater sense of gratitude in our lives, our trials can become easier to bear. When we focus on what we have and not what we lack, we can find true joy in our lives now... and not have to wait for the perfect time or place! What a wonderful blessing all on its own!

I hope and pray that we as individuals can put forth more of our energy towards a true sense of gratitude in our lives and the lives of those around us. I say these thoughts in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.