Roccu accurately expressing my feelings about today ....

I adore her! I needed this smile today.

Inspiration From A Wall

There is an amazing Cuban restaurant in Bangor that the ex introduced me too a little bit ago. They make great food and are really good about allergies so that people with allergies can eat there- it does help that most Cuban food doesn't use gluten or nuts. The best thing about the restaurant besides the food is their wall. You are encouraged to write on their wall with your thoughts or artistic pictures and I love waiting for my food and reading the submissions. Today two specific items drew my attention. I'm sure no one is shocked that one of the items I liked was a cat....

However, this one really hit me in the feels...

How many of us have felt ourselves 'grow' away from family or others? I suspect all of us... and what about family who have passed on? I saw this and thought of my grandparents and how they are no longer around to spend time with. I miss them so much right now... it feels a bit like a physical wound that will not heal and continues to fester over time. I think of old friends who I have loved and over time we have grown apart. For some, I haven't seen them since I moved to Maine. For others, they have walked away from the relationship due to circumstances in their own lives. As I read the words I found my heart filled with emotion and my eyes filled with tears. I wonder about the person who wrote these words on the wall and what was in their heart as they shared this small piece of their soul. Lots of thoughts today...

Today

I have a lot on my mind today. I had a wonderful day with Brock and some great food. I'm so grateful for the time that I have to spend with family and I loved listening to Brock tell me about the things that interest him. My heart is full of so many things and I don't know how to articulate very many of them nor should I share all of them. What I wouldn't give for a pensieve some days... to just siphon off the extra thoughts and emotions and to be able to look for the patterns and the understanding in them and I'm more detached and unbiased manner. I bet all of us could use that every once in awhile.

I had got to spend a little bit of time today going through paperwork and old school assignments and over the next few months I'm going to post a lot of that stuff here. Some of it is very scholarly stuff such as history essays, lesson plans, etc... some of it is thoughts on assignments and things that I read for classes... and some of it is just research and other information that I think I'd like to keep for future use and perusal. So this is your warning that I'm going to start posting a bunch of mismatched sort of stuff in the next few weeks. I really have taken so many varied classes over the years....

I got as much rest as I could today and I'm looking forward to work tomorrow. Here's to a peaceful evening with a few episodes of Mrs Brown's Boys.

Spanglish

It's funny how a movie can just make you feel so confused and so many different emotions that you just don't feel like you can even think because you're having to try to figure out what everything means.

For fun tonight I thought I would listen to a movie while I did other work and I soon found drawn to the couch and there I huddled- tired and hungry, but unwilling to go to bed until the film finished. What I had thought was going to be a very light-hearted and silly movie was something a lot more serious and a lot more thought-provoking. Most of the films I've seen with Adam Sandler have not been serious films. In fact, if anyone had asked me that question, I would have would have told you that Sandler really didn't make them. All the films that I can think of that he was in are ridiculous, silly, flighty, and fusty stuff. Films that you might watch once to enjoy the terrible humor and then never watch again. The only film I've ever watched of his before now that didn't feel that way was "The Wedding Singer." I will admit it's one of my favorites. I find myself not really interested when I see a movie advertisement that Adam Sandler is in not really interested in because it didn't occur to me that he would have another film that was anywhere like The Wedding Singer... It seems like most of his film sound like "Click", "Happy Gilmore" or "Billy Madison." I'm climbing into bed after this film and I feel torn between the couple who is trying to stay together and isn't sure that they should and Adam Sandler's character; a steadfast hard-working man who's trying desperately to keep his relationship together even as he can see someone who would treat him better in his peripheral vision. Watching the way that the wife manipulates and destroys so many pieces of her whole family and pets and needs the entire world to revolve around her and then says things like "why doesn't anybody care about my feelings"... and all I could do is sit there and watch the train wreck in action. I regret watching this film right now as the reason I put it in was to have something that would make me laugh, but I don't regret watching the film. It was very thought-provoking and I go to bed thinking many things and a brain awash in multitudes of emotion. If that was the director's goal then he succeeded.

Have you ever seen the film? What are your thoughts?

Image from: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0371246/?ref_=ttfc_fc_tt

The Space Between Life and Death

To sit at the bedside of the death of a friend is to look into the gaping mouth of hell. Grief chops at you little by little as their life is slowly drawn away. Sometimes, watching every breathe is painful and you want to see the continued rise of the chest ... and you desperately want it to stop to end the suffering therein. You find yourself stroking the frail frame and speaking of the banal because you can't say all that is in your heart for there are no words... or the words and emotions behind them will not help and will only cause more hurt. So you sit quietly and listen to every breath until you find your own mind and body become the mirror image of the life ebbing away. Your breathing slows and all you can see is the simple image of life and desire intertwined. You start to feel their pain in your own body and your mind whispers the same prayer over and over and over. You don't even feel the tears running down your cheeks and barely notice that you can no longer see as your glasses are coated with the tears that have been falling over your lids for what seems like eternities. You struggle to notice the discomfort in your limbs because your own comfort has fallen behind your one need- to be present in those few moments that will soon be over and will never be repeated. In these moments, I feel my own weakness... my own inability to stop suffering or help to end it. I feel some of my beliefs crumble to ash and I am forced to face the deficits in my faith and my heart. The bone deep weariness that surrounds you feels like the new normal as everything you do brings you back to this single point... sitting in a chair next to a friend... watching the failing physical frame and murmuring to the strong soul within which will soon be released. You watch the seizures and you shake, the breathing and you mirror it, the silence that envelopes you both. For this brief periods of time, I hate death and I pray for it... I push it away as I grasp it... I welcome any positive change even if it means death has won for now. Soon, the mouth of hell will close and only love and grief will live on... but in these brief moments I feel like I learn more about what hell really is and what heaven may be than any Sunday school lesson ever taught. And I do have so much more to learn... so much more...

Light and Dark in Art

As part of my art class, I needed to define a few terms and create an image of the different positions of light and dark with the shading that occurs based on where the light is positioned. Here are some brief definitions or explainations along with the light and shade project.

The difference between the terms tint and shade is how they are used to change color. To change a color’s tint, an artist adds some white to the basic hue. To change a color’s shade, an artist adds black to the basic hue. The tint and shade change depending on how much white or black is added creating a huge variance in colors and their appearance.

The term chiaroscuro is used to describe the effects of light and dark when used to create images. It refers to how the artist balances both light and dark in their creation and how they use this idea to skillfully create the views and ideas that they want the audience to see and comprehend in their work. Using chiaroscuro helps an artist create mood, emotions… even reality and dimension. It can provoke desire and need or even grief, revulsion, or fear. It can be used to emphasize certain aspects in the artwork and hide other areas. Used by a skillful artist, it can create a breathtaking, compelling work of art that draws the audience into the emotions and reality it creates.

Modeling is the term used to describe the use of chiaroscuro to represent light falling against a curved surface. It is a term that describes the different ways light moves across a round object and how the light hits the object and changes the shadows and the way light makes the object look. The basic ways of modeling includes highlighting, the shadow and core shadow, reflected light and the cast shadow.

Tenebrism is a technique of lighting that makes use of large areas of dark and murky picture contrasted with smaller highly illuminated areas in the work. It is different from chiaroscuro in that the light in tenebrism is used to emphasize objects and create emotion in the work while the use of light in chiaroscuro is used to make the object emphasized more lifelike and natural. Each technique creates the reality and emotion of the art in different ways and help the audience create a different perspective to the work.

Hatching is a technique that uses closely spaced parallel lines in an area to create depth and shadow in an image. The hatching creates dimension in a flat image bring a sense of dimension and reality to the image. Cross hatching is a technique where one set of hatches is crossed at an angle to create darker and ‘deeper’ images and shadow.

Starting Again...

It's been awhile since I've been on here. I've been doing a bit of writing on the side, but I will admit that I feel slightly uncomfortable with the idea of putting a lot of personal information on this blog since it has been found by family... so I simply delay and then never put anything up. I want to try and reclaim the blog for myself, but I will admit that I am unclear as to how to do that. So I'll probably be a bit sporadic over the next few months. Starting again was the hardest part... so here I am giving it a try.

To any loyal readers, thank you for being patient. Comments are still more than welcome and will just be slow to post due to moderation. Any specific topics that you wish me to cover can still be requested through comments as well. Thank you for continuing the journey with me. :)

Review and Introspection : "A Scrap of Time and Other Stories" by Ida Fink

I had many reactions to a book I recently read that I can share today. The book is a fiction book filled with novellas on the Holocaust called "A Scrap of Time and Other Stories". I think that this book is both haunting and wonderful... a mixture of pain, horror and it's like looking in a broken mirror; you want to try and fix it, yet you can't do anything but look into the mirror and look at the cracks and how it distorts the image you see and recognize and changed the way you feel about the image and your perspective on the mirror itself.

One thing that I felt throughout the book was the idea of choice. Choice is a word and idea I do not like to chat about very much because so many of my family members see choice as black and white in all situations and do not see that how you are born and where you live and what gender/ race you are can make a big impact on your life and your choices. So it is hard to talk about choice without the anxiety of waiting for the argument to begin. I might get an argument here as well, I do not know. I feel like depending on the situations we find ourselves in or our perceptions we may not have many choices or we may feel like we have very few. Either way, we all make choices not necessarily knowing all the options within the choice we have to make. So, with this viewpoint that I hold in my heart, I picked up the book. I read about the parents who wanted to save their daughter and were just not able to figure out how to do and in a spontaneous moment try to have their daughter run away and she is almost immediately shot down. The father picked her up and carried her body on his shoulder while he walked obediently towards what he knows is his own death. I thought about the man who shot her, knowing she was a little girl, a small child, who couldn't even understand the situation or the why for her death or any of the others. How it was a blessing that it was quick for her yet more pain for her parents in their last moments. I thought about another story where the other prisoners play a mean game on the newest prisoner and how the prisoner will not play and how those prisoners, waiting for their own death try to create control and power in the tiny area they are allowed... recognizing that they have so little. The character Von Galoshinsky- young and scared- made the choice to be a bully when he could and so did his fellows. I think about what other choice he could have made and so I look at him as a big mean man until my mental camera pans back as I read and we all see him as the situation changes and get a better view of who and what he is; young, scared, crying. I thought of the girl who gives her body for papers to try and save herself and her mother and how her 'savior' sees her as an easy lay/ a whore.... this virginal girl who feels forced to give herself in the act of survival sex to try and survive... to try and save her mother.

That man could have given her the papers- he could have tried to save them without taking anything from her- but he did not. He took all that she had including her dignity and self-respect as he left with his thoughtless comments and we do not know whether she survived, but we as readers feel what he took from her... When I was reading I sometimes needed to stop and just think. Why did the soldier shoot the child? Why didn't the man give the girl the papers to save her and her mother? Why did the death of a pig from being run over seem more important than the death of many people? How can someone feel comfortable telling someone to deny their past and themselves... and think that would make everything all right? How can you live with the knowledge of your own acts and reconcile your mind to it? I thought about the man in the film “The Pianist” and how so many people made choices that put themselves at risk to save this man... this one man. I thought of the boy in “Europa Europa” who didn't know his family nor his people were dying... who tries to save himself in a few ways including having perfectly fine teeth pulled to get out of doctor's visits and to try and stitch his foreskin down to the penis and the pain, determination and desperation that he must have felt to try and do that. To try and deny who you feel you are and to fear discovery. I wondered how I would respond in some of the same situations... the girl who feels uncomfortable with murder in all forms and feels so much sorrow and anger when her cats kill a small vole. I realized that I would be willing to hide, but I would probably sob walking to my own death being unwilling to defend myself. I think this because I still feel uncomfortable questioning authority and allowed my mother's abuse to go on for decades. I wonder what I would really do if I had to...

I thought about the stories and how many people have heads and memories absolutely filled with these images, conversations and this pain... and how they keep it inside and do not speak. I wonder if they do not speak because they wish to spare their friends and family from seeing and hearing the same images, or to continue to try and bury it all in the darkest recesses of their minds, or if they worry about ridicule or confirmation that they deserved this experience... this horror... I thought about how our minds can try to save us when most of us are unwilling or unable to save ourselves and how we might create a companion such as a dog to stay will us... to help us feel safe in situations where safety isn't even an option and to feel the surprise and confusion to recognize the trick our mind has played on us to get us closer to our very survival. That our very cells may try to save themselves even when our souls are too tired to try.

While these stories are fiction, each and every one had the ring of truth in them. That unmistakable aura of “I have heard this/ been there/ felt this before.” The benign feeling of being safe in a world that really isn't safe and to see that reality through words and identity and recognize so many different emotions, thoughts, and parts of the reality of the world that you haven't understood before.... the reality that so many other people have had to deal with and face... it's not the easiest thing in the world to do.

I highly recommend this book. If you have the opportunity to read it, please do so....

pictures from :http://www.amazon.com/Scrap-Other-Stories-Jewish-Lives/dp/0810112590, http://www.holocaustpictures.org/pictures/holocaust-pictures/holocaust.jpg.html, http://ivarfjeld.com/2010/07/05/widespread-dangerous-misuse-of-the-word-holocaust/, http://int.icej.org/holocaust

Do You have Sensory Problems?

I do... have for as long as I can remember. I didn't always understand why some parts of me were different from other people nor do I always understand some of the ways I respond now. Some ways that my body may respond to a stimulus I still do not understand... but I accept it and sometimes laugh about it... and sometimes cry about it... and sometimes I just shake my head and shrug. In the end, my processing challenges are a part of me and make me the unique and wonderful individual that I am. That said, I was in my thirties before I was even heard the term sensory processing disorder / sensory integration disorder and researchers are still trying to understand how these disorders work. I thought that I would take a few minutes to talk about the basic human sensory system and leave you with a small list of questions that you can read and, if interested, can use to look at your own behavior and responses to different stimuli and determine if you too, might have some sensory processing challenges. :)

When I was growing up, I learned about the five senses: touch, taste, sight, hearing and smell. The sense of touch as processed through our skin and taste processed inside of our mouths.... the sense of sight which is processed through our eyes and sound through our ears... and the sense of smell through our nose. And each of these organs sends the information to the brain for final processing so that we can use the information. In the processing the information is organized in the brain so that we can use it to make appropriate responses to external stimuli. For those with disorders of the sensory system, the organized information may not create the correct responses.... the child who reaches toward a snarling cat and is genuinely confused when the cat hurts it... the person in whom fear causes hyperactivity or out of control behavior, etc...

So let's start with some basic questions. Here is how the questions work. Each question should be looked at by thinking of how often you perform the behavior in question. The more often you do it, the more likely it is that your brain is having some difficulty processing the information in a 'neuro-typical way'. Is that a problem? Not necessarily... it really depends on how my your behavior in this regard affects your quality of life.

1. Do you prefer the dark, happily avoid bright light and feel happier in dim light? Do you find that you are bothered by light when others feel comfortable?

2. Is it difficult for you to accurately visualize images or objects in messy or cluttered backgrounds? Do you end up staring at objects overly long to process the information?

3. Do you find it more challenging or impossible to complete tasks with noise or music in the background? Do you find yourself easily distracted by noise or even seek out noise or make sounds simply to have noise around you?

4. Do you avoid noise or sounds? Are you slow to respond to sounds around you that are relevant and important... an inability to recognize what sounds are important and to block out sounds that are not?

5. Do you have difficulty processing really strong smells? An inability to smell odors that the people around you can?

6. Do you find yourself feeling large amounts of anxiety or anger when your expectations or your routine has to change? Do you find yourself doing tasks in inefficient ways because it feels more comfortable to you? Do you move from one activity to another not completing any of them very quickly?

7. Do you prefer to be alone? Prefer quiet activities? Quiet areas and places?

8. Do you have problems with textures in food and limit what you eat based on what the food feels like? Do you crave certain foods due to flavor or strong smells or will you only eat certain foods?

9. Do you have problems with touching or being touched? Do you react emotionally when being touched by people or things such as water, unnatural fabrics, etc.. or do you crave touch and will touch too much and too often?

10. If something touches you such as clothing, are you able to 'forget' the touch.... or do you feel the clothing and its touch all day in part of your mind? Do you go barefoot because shoes feel uncomfortable? Do you fill your hands with things so avoid people touching your hands?

11. Do you seem to have an awareness – or lack of awareness- to pain or temperature that is different from most other people? Can you injure yourself and find that the pain is not at the level that it should be for the injury? Do you feel comfortable in a snowy environment in short sleeves?

I could definitely go on and healthcare providers who try to help their patients with sensory issues will ask many more questions than this.

One challenge that comes with sensory problems is that as someone struggles with them and they find the way they respond is so different from other people, it affects the individual's emotional well being. People with sensory problems appears to be more likely to develop low self esteem and self critical behavior. They are more likely to exhibit socially inappropriate behavior as well as difficulty expressing emotions in a healthy way. The odds of having problems with anxiety are a lot higher in this population making a challenging situation sometimes worse. I will admit that I find it challenging sometimes myself.

This post is so basic that I beg of you to not make any diagnosis or take to much out of it. I just wanted to take a little time to introduce the topic to start a little basic awareness. If you want more information, please feel free to leave any questions you want answered in the comments or speak to a medical professional about your thoughts. Both of these diagnoses are still debated by healthcare professionals so if you would like more information, be sure to find a provider who has studied and has knowledge of both sensory processing disorder and sensory integration disorder and the nuances between them. Thanks for sharing. :)

Blast From the Past.... 3/21/96 : 'The Bell Jar'

So, I was going through some old scrapbooks that I have and I found a few neat treasures. When I was younger I used to write a lot and English was one of my better subjects. Today I found a few old school reports that I wrote years ago. So I think I might share a few of them. :)

This paper is a book report of the publication “The Bell Jar” which was originally published by Harper and Row in 1971. It is the most well known book authored by Sylvia Plath, but originally published under the name of the pseudonym Victoria Lucas. I wrote this report and turned it in on March 21, 1996 for a Psychology class in my first few semesters of college. Part one is the book report summary that I wrote, part two is my analysis and thoughts on why the book is important to the field of psychology, and part three is my full analysis and conclusions I formed on the book. I haven't changed any of the wording – I entered it exactly as written – so its interesting to see how my writing has changed over time. This report earned me 100% / A . At the time, I was so proud and pleased and while I am not sure I deserved the grade after reading it again now, I hope you enjoy it. :)

Part I - Summary

Ester Greenwood, now 19, grew up in a small town with her brother and her mother. She is now in college, which she is able to afford because of a scholarship. As a hobby, she writes essays and small stories and sends them in to win contests, which she does win quite often. After winning one contest, she was sent to New York for one month, all expenses paid, to work as a junior editor of a fashion magazine. While there, she stayed in an all-women hotel called The Amazon. Her friend, Doreen, comes from a society girls school and carried an air of sophistication. She took Ester out to go to a party and on the way they stop and allow themselves to be picked up by some guys. One of them, Lenny Shepard, took Doreen and Ester to his house and when he Doreen became notably drunk and began to make out, Ester walked home. Later, when Doreen shows up drunk at her door, Ester resolves to become better friends with another girl (Betsy) who shares more of her values. Ester does have what could be loosely termed as a 'boyfriend'. Buddy Wilkins is currently studying to be a doctor, but doesn't see her much because he caught TB and is no residing in a recovery camp. Ester doesn't think of him as her boyfriend; she simply uses him as an excuse to others and to discourage the blind dates that were often heaped upon her.

Ester goes to one of the free luncheons with Betsy and shows her love for food, especially caviar. She eats until she is stuffed and, as bad luck would have it, when it is discovered that some food at the luncheon was poisoned, Ester was the sickest girl among them. In fact, all of the twelve participants in this contest were sick, except for Doreen who had skipped the luncheon to spend time with Lenny. It is at this time that her temporary boss questions her about her plans for the future and she realizes that she doesn't know what she wants to do after college. Right now, she is having a hard time with physics and is worried sick about chemistry next semester. Through a little trickery and persuasion, however, she manages to talk the dean of the college into allowing her to take chemistry, but because she had received an 'A' the semester before in physics (and she would easily get one again in chemistry), she would not have to test for her grade. She would simply be given an 'A' at the end of the semester. It was during this semester that Buddy's mother set her up with a visitor for another country so she would show him the city. She, still being a virgin and taking a liking to the fellow, decided to seduce him. Being a gentleman, he declined her advances.

At Christmas, Mrs. Wilkins picks her up and takes her to see Buddy at TB camp. There, he asks her to marry him, but refuses him saying that she doesn't want to marry anyone. She does stay for an extra day to spend time with him and allows him to attempt to teach her to ski. She has an accident, unfortunately, and breaks her leg. She then returns to New York and packs to go home, allowing Doreen to take her out for one last party. There she meets Marco, her first 'woman hater.' He is bitter because he is in love with his first cousin who is going to become a nun. He later tries to force himself on her and when she struggles and begins to cry, leaves very disgusted with her. She then goes and gets on a train for home.

After returning home, her mother informs her that she was not accepted into the writing class that she has depended on. She becomes depressed and when Buddy pushes her to come see him again, she terminates the relationship. She then goes through a period of indecisiveness where she starts and quits a novel, her thesis and other ideas. When she goes to see the family doctor about a stronger dose of sleeping medication, she is referred to Dr. Gordon, a psychiatrist.

After displaying no thought about personal hygiene or safety, Dr. Gordon starts her on Daily therapy sessions. Later, he tries shock therapy. After one dose, she tells her mother that she will not go again, which makes her mother very happy. During this time, an old friend sets her up with a young man named Cal with whom she discreetly brings up the subject of suicide and discusses with him the best ways to carry it out. After experimenting a few times and realizing that her body's defense mechanisms would always try and stop her, she stole her sleeping pills from her mothers lockbox and hid herself in the basement. She then took as many as she could before passing out. She is later found alive and taken to the hospital.

P. Ginea, a famous novelist, discovers what happened to her young fan and has her moved to a private psychiatric hospital. Here, she is given medication and ends up gaining a lot of weight. She also gets a new doctor named Dr. Nolan. In this place, she finds Joan, an old acquaintance that she had met in school and finds some common ground and insight into herself. She received a few more sessions of shock therapy and is then moved to Belside, the house for those who were almost 'cured' and would b sent back out into the outside world. Here, she is allowed to go to town where she meets Irwin. They date a few times and she decides to seduce him, which she later does. A complication from this painful act sends her to the emergency room. Later on, she is given the news that Joan has killed herself. A few weeks later she is taken to her interview that will release that will release her again to the outside world.

Part II – Importance to the Field of Psychology

I chose this book for many reasons. Most of the books on the provided list I had already read in my high school classes. I wanted a book that I hadn't read before, but also a book that might give me some insight into myself. I had no idea what topics this book discussed when I picked it up. I figured that if I didn't like it or it was too boring I could always get a different book.

Even though I really didn't enjoy the book, this book did appeal to me because of the wide range of topics it touched on. From motivation, behavior, social skills, to its main theme of depression, this book made me stop and wonder how I would deal with the same situations. The thing I liked best about the book was that it was written as if we were sitting in Ester's head and just listening to her thoughts and looking through her eyes. This made it almost impossible to tell when she first became depressed and how her disease progressed until you realize that she is extremely depressed and is thinking of killing herself.

The chapter that I thought best represents the whole book was chapter thirteen: Psychopathology. This chapter discusses many different kinds of mental illness or disorders and includes depression in this category. On page 512 of the required text, the entire page is dedicated to showing research that has been done on depression and what causes suicide. The book states that “while most depressed people do not commit suicide, most suicides are attempted by depressed people.” This suggests that if depression is found early enough in individuals and alleviated, we will have found a solution to our problem of the rise of suicide. Depression is most commonly brought about by failures, trauma or stress. The chapter also discusses signs and symptoms so you can recognize what depression is and what o do if you or anyone you know needs help. Reading this book also helped give me a perspective I have never had (and hopefully never will) and I hope it will make me more understanding to others in my environment when they just need a little boost.

Part III - Analysis and Conclusions

In all fairness, I would not have chosen this book as one of the books I have read for fun. Most books I chose to read allow me to escape from my life and find some comfort in a 'fantasy world' for a short period of time. I can't honestly say I enjoyed this book, but I can say that this book gave me some insight into a topic that I really hadn't thought of. I was able to follow Ester into her 'world' and feel with her, but I was detached enough so that I can see where rational thought ended and she gave herself up to depression.

The subject of depression will be pondered and studied for many years to come. Even in our advanced society, depression is hard to diagnose and very high percentages are never treated. Even though Ester was a fictional character, she was easy to identify with. To me, she represented the average person; just an individual trying to stay afloat in all the stress and worry of everyday life. I feel that this is a very important subject for many reasons. As technology becomes more advanced and human beings are competing for jobs with computers, problems with self esteem and uniqueness will occur. People will not feel able to compete with a machine that will never be sick, always be smarter, never too tired to work, and whose only weakness is that it must be attached an energy source. Problems at home will never cause it to low down and it will take little notice of small aggravations that you will find in the average workplace (mis-communication, personality conflicts, etc...) I believe that this will cause a rise in depression and other mental disorders.

In conclusion, I have to wonder about the author. After reading a little on her life from an autobiography, I admire her for trying to create a work like this. Any attempt to share feelings to try and enrich other generations is a noble cause. But one thought came to my mind and is nagging me for an answer which I can supply; was this book a cry for help from the author? Did she feel trapped and felt no hope? The autobiography says that she ended her own life. I just wonder why no one close to her, when reading her book, didn't notice similarities or suspect anything. Maybe she too, like so many others would still be alive today if someone had heard her cry for help.

2013 Poetry Corner #9 - "Night Swimming"

A click and the darkness flows
quickly to fill all space
cool sheets press against my cheek
arms flayed, spread out
feet dangling in the air

a slight breeze moves the air
leaving ripples of breath and hair
floating, gliding, sinking in the deep
and even though my physical sense hasn't moved
hasn't budged, hasn't twitched

I sense the waves of exhaustion flow in
the riptide of need to rest, to forget, to lessen
A whirlpool of darkness, soft voices and purring
And you sink down, down into the abyss
the light patterns on your lids begin to fade
from white to green and blue
and suddenly you're gone and only spiritual remains

The tide flows by and pulls you in.....
… the hamster on the wheel
… the fears of your heart
… the images of film explored
… the joy of memories relived
… the revelation of things to come
together they flow, merge and tug your mind

As they merge, your breathing slows
yet your mind is full of visions
sometimes you backstroke and float unaided
and sometimes your fears win

Suddenly, the blue turns light
the darkness quickly fading
the movies gone, the images dissolve
only the emotions remain, dripping off
My eyes crash open, appendages start to twitch
consciousness and self break free

A stretch, a yawn... and the images are gone
A day of possibilities beyond
and yet I smile and think of evening
for the joys of night swimming

Sexual Assault and Rape : The Differences Between Perception and Culture

I was challenged to look at both the ideas of rape and sexual assault and what the differences between these two horrible acts might be. At the time, I felt like there can be many differences that would also depend on the environment and mentality of the perpetrator. So here are my thoughts on the issue after my research this week.

Sexual assault can be generally defined as unwanted or inappropriate contact towards anther person that is seen or regarded as sexual in nature. Rape is a form of sexual assault in which a person forcibly or without permission penetrates the victim's body with anything; whether its parts of their body, other objects whether small or large, etc.... and it is still considered rape if the penetration is without consent to any opening of the body...even those that are not necessarily considered sexual orifices. So a person can be sexually assaulted, but not raped in some cases (physically, that is)... but a person who has been raped has also been sexually assaulted. With few exceptions, sexual assault and rape are usually crimes against women and tend to be based on power and dominance instead of love or perceived sexual needs. These behaviors are acts of violence, not acts of equality or caring. While these definitions are easy to understand, they do not also tend to convey the emotional or mental violence that is also inflicted when the physical crime is perpetrated. For many, just the act of reporting the crime or talking about it causes them to feel the 'act' again even though they are safe in the present time. Other challenges that come with the sexual assault/ rape for the victim is dealing with the emotions from the perpetrator that are expressed.

When thought about in these terms and also understanding the general patriarchy of most societies in the world, we can easily see how sexual assault and rape can be used not only to hurt one person but as weapon to cause harm to many people and even a community or society at large. In war, the raping of women is an act that not only causes harm to the victim, but is also an act of revenge and defiance against her husband, her 'protector, her community... and even of her culture and race. While there is much disagreement and debate about Thomas Jefferson and Sally Hemings, his black slave / mistress and whether she could or could not consent in their sexual relationship, few will argue that Mr. Jefferson was in a position of power over her and her family which could limit how much she really was able to consent to their relationship. And few would be willing to disagree with the idea that Mrs. Hemings was picked because she was black and the relationship most likely wouldn't have happened at all if she had been a purely white female. Other ways that rape is used against a culture/race is to attempt to change it genetically- if many of the men are killed and the women are raped or forced into longer term relationships with their assailants, the children born of such unions are usually

considered members of the dominant group and not part of the culture of the child's mother. It is easy to see looking at the past history of many groups of people how this tactic has been successfully used to not only change, but also decimate communities and cultures. (And on an amusing and side note.... isn't it interesting about the use of pure-blood and mud-blood in the Harry Potter books to denote positive or negative connotations... and these were on consensual births! Something to think about in relation to how each of us looks at those of mixed race heritage or bi-racial couples. :) Finally, one of the best ways to defeat your enemy isn't just to kill them, but to truly win you must also demoralize them and mentally defeat them.... to convince them that they are worthless or have lost something that can not be reattained. And that is what makes rape so effective a weapon in so many instances.

There is another way to look at sexual assault and rape and that is through the lens of the culture, society and the people living in it. The definitions I have given for the most part belong to the culture I live in: a first world country. There are some ways these definitions change when we look at the way other societies perceive women as well as girls and even marriage. In some cultures, girls are married at very young ages and that is not only culturally acceptable but encouraged and facilitated by the child's parents. In this country, we have made it very challenging for any female under eighteen to get married – even if they want to! In some areas of the world, girls are married between the ages of 10-12 on average... and sometimes as young as eight! These girls have not chosen this marriage and it is usually facilitated by the girls parents to a man at usually at least a decade older than the young girl. (In September, an article came out about the death of an eight year old girl named Rawan who had died due to internal bleeding caused by the consummation of her marriage to her much older husband. This marriage took place in Yemen). To myself and I suspect for many people I know, this act would be considered rape- whether the young lady had died or not. In this culture, the relationship was acceptable and not considered rape... or could be described as 'tolerable rape' (a rape that is culturally acceptable and sanctioned.) In my culture sitting alone with a man on a park bench is acceptable and even encouraged to get to know each other... in others, that can be considered sexual compromising and the young lady is 'ruined'. It really does have a lot to do with the society in which you live.

What are your thoughts on any of the issues that I brought up in this post? Do you have differing views on how culture defines sexual assault?

The Consequences of Holocaust Trauma on Individuals and Future Generations

When I sat down to this week's readings, I felt like the last several weeks had given me a pretty basic background and preparation for this task. In addition to all the information talked about in this class I also had the benefit (I'm not sure that is the right word) of growing up hearing about the persecution and attempted extermination of the early adherents to my religion so I felt like that gave me an additional potential viewpoint. Yet even with all this preparation and my own past difficulties and trials- as well as a decent understand of how challenging the Holocaust was for those who were victims of the Final Solution (by far mostly Jews, but I believe homosexuals, Jehovah's witnesses and other groups were also targeted), I found myself shocked the depth and length of the trauma's effects even by those who had not experienced the worst horrors of the system... even those who experiences almost none of it, but lived with and loved those who had.

A few weeks ago, I made a comment in one of my discussion posts about a young child who I felt was potentially picking up PTSD from helping and living with her afflicted parent. I wrote it because I have been thinking it for a very long time, but I also have kept that thought to myself for the most part because I do not feel I have the qualifications to back up my belief... but I will admit my fear of the parent's reactions is pretty severe. I also wondered if that was generally possible- to get the symptoms and difficulties of a disorder simply by being around someone who has the problem... after all, you can't get AIDS or Alzheimer's with very few exceptions just by spending time with someone. Our readings definitely suggested to me that it is possible and while I may not be right, maybe there are some things that I can look into to maybe not only help, but also to have a greater understanding and sympathy for the suffering of this family.

In general it appears that the effects of surviving Holocaust trauma may be varied due to differences in people, trauma endured, and other life components, it is easily stated that this is a long lasting, multi generational problem that affects a survivor's social, cultural, medical and daily lives... as well as those individuals that live with, love, and entwine their lives with those that have survived. As mentioned in a paper written by Natan Kellermann, until the traumatic events are properly acknowledged and then the steps of the healing process properly followed, the trauma will continue to affect and distort the daily life of the victim and the secondary sufferers. Some symptoms that were mentioned from either direct sources or the family members of those primarily effected by the trauma are as follows: mourning and other emotions such as guilt, anger, anxiety, grief, etc. Also sleep problems including insomnia, nightmares, and other sleep problems and mental challenges dealing with depression, repression of difficult memories or feelings, overactive defense mechanisms causing problems with excessive fear, anxiety, lack of emotive or 'numb' response, etc... (Most of the symptoms of PTSD are present in this population.) Also, behavior that is defensive and not appropriate to the current situation is often found exhibited by victims. Some of these cognitive and behavioral challenges may affect the victim by holding them back from many social activities / events either emotionally or making special events that usually provoke joy to also cause sorrow and anger. These behaviors may vary per person and how the trauma has affected them, but it causes many parts of their daily life and activities to be challenged in a way that other unaffected individuals do not have to deal with. Other long term problems that sufferers may find are easier susceptibility to numerous other mental difficulties as well as stress related medical disorders.

A difficult and challenging problem to deal with... especially as we have had a few massacres performed on other groups since. I was listening to a commentary on a new music CD that was released by a group called 'Split Enz' (I think) a little bit ago and some of the songs on this album as well as past albums discuss the pain of the lead writer who is dealing with genocide of past relatives and his life of having to move and sometimes live a confusing existence as a refugee. One song was a poem by his mother who at the age of five lost many family members to genocide and he mixes his and her thoughts and feelings together in one song. As I was reading this week I thought about that interview and the struggles of people generations after the event as I hadn't really thought that much about it before.

A very difficult topic to be sure... what are your thoughts on this issue? Do you have any personal experience that you are willing to share? What do you think that we can do as a society to not only help victims of all crimes, but also try to help the families, caregivers and friends of those who have these challenges? Please share....

“Wings” and What Not.... :D

So this week, I was able to watch most of a remastered film called “Wings”. It was a 1927 American action silent film (all words were written in borders) that starred Clara Bow, one of the great early actresses of film. The film was an original black and white, silent film w/ dramatic narration and some remastered affects that had been added (such as the orange, red plums form the back of disabled planes crashing to earth.) While this film was mostly based on war – WWII in particular, it had several aspects of the script and directing that I found interesting and worthy of analyzing and extra thought.

Clara Bow mentioned once that she felt she was put in the film because she was the studio's most popular actress and that the film didn't need her... but I will say that I loved her in the film and I'm not sure the film would have had the same 'open' flavor that I felt it had with her in it. To be blunt, I don't think it would have been at all enjoyable for me without her in it. It was her expressions and her feelings toward the character Jack Powell that actually drew me into the film and caused me to have interest in the film at all. Clara played a character called Mary Preston who found it very challenging to hide her feelings and love for Jack Powell. Jack was very attracted to another girl named Sylvia Lewis, but Sylvia is in love with a boy named David Armstrong. The boy's rivalry follows them when they both enlist in the Army to be fighter pilots and only after some tension do both David and Jack find a way to get along and become friends. The movie plot follows these two young men through the war as well as Mary Preston and how the war changed them. I highly recommend taking the time to watch it if you have the inclination.

One of the acting techniques that silent films needed to use in the past to help the viewers understand the plot of the film was to use written narration. When parts of the plot needed to move along faster, a little music and some written words could not only change the scene but also lets us as an audience know exactly how everything had changed- environment, situation, etc... In our current media, much of what we use to help move plot and emotion along is words. Films also use body language and facial expression, but words and sound really matters. Many films use sound and facial expression to help us to realize the thoughts of the characters we are watching. This film being soundless had only two options to let the audience know what was going on- the narration and the music... or the body language and facial movements. Pantomime is a wonderful skill and I felt like the written language in the film wasn't very useful to me... I felt pulled into the story through every movement on the character's faces. These actors used everything they had to express what was in their head and I felt like I could understand the words that that were said – even though I couldn't hear them- I could understand just from their faces and their eyes. Most of the emotions / thoughts that I could feel coming from the actors that helped me to understand what was going on seemed to come from directly from their eyes. At one point I found myself staring at Clara Bow and felt pulled in... sucked into her frustration and sorrow over Jack, fear for his safety and excitement over her new opportunity to drive which opens up her world a bit more. That skill- it is definitely a skill- is something that most actors these days can't (or at least don't) do. I wouldn't be at all unhappy if I found some time to finish the film outside of class. :)

So what silent films have you seen? Do you have a favorite? If you have watched this film, what did you think about it. This was my first introduction to Clara Bow and I would love to watch more things that she starred in. I felt like she was that good! Please share your thoughts... :)

"Primary Colors" and the Blurring of Vision

When the book first came out in 1996 by Anonymous, I was really not interested in reading it and I pretty much felt the same way when the movie came out. I had a gut feeling about both the movie and book that is a little convoluted, but came down to three thoughts; I don't really like films that seem solely political or are heavily about politics, I didn't want to watch a 'slam' movie about the Clintons even if I wasn't one of their biggest fans, and I felt like it would just be a waste of time. So I didn't think about it and the world moved on....

So... second week in class and I'm sitting watching another movie I had no interest in except that I had been intrigued by the movie clips shown in my first week of class so I was hopeful that I would learn something and have fun this time... and I did. I was really affected by the film - both emotionally and intellectually. I didn't sleep for several hours afterwards because I really needed to digest the feelings and thoughts it provoked. After much contemplation, I decided to write about the largest emotional paradox that I found when watching and analyzing this film.

This film gave a reporter's viewpoint....or a 'loose' biography about President Bill Clinton's first primary election and some of the challenges he faced: political, personal, and moral. These ideas were portrayed through characters named Jack and Susan Stanton.

Susan - "It's four in the morning- let's just tell the truth"

The underlying emotional theme that I felt throughout the film was how much all of us, and especially me, live in a paradox when we are politically active. To be informed and to try and make informed decisions, a person usually does some research, talks with friends and family, reads or listens to the candidates and their views... and then we hopefully make our choices on the ballot based on what we think is right for us, our neighbors and community, and what our moral and intelligent self believes to be the right choices for all. However, while we do all this, most of us understand that what we are told, read, hear in ads, etc... is not only biased, but sometimes not the least bit true. We know this, instinctively and intellectually... and yet we make our choices based on these 'truths' that we know to be wrong, biased or at least not totally truthful; or factual.

Henry - "I want to believe it."
"I'll take the liar"

So why do we make the choices that we do? Why do we believe any of it... why do we know about the paradox and yet yield and participate in it?

Libby - “...Without them, I'm dark and black and cold and dead and empty and airless for eternity....”

And that pretty much says it all. Inside all of us - we want to believe and we all want to feel a connection to greatness... or what we think is greatness. We want to believe in the person, in what they say, in their promises for better things. As proof of that we rarely elect the moral, truthful person. We understand and expect the phoniness of politics and our politicians. We see the bad, the ugly and we compartmentalize it in our minds and view the thoughts separately if we are still willing to give the person a chance. I'm loath to admit it, but charisma, acting, and good looks with a lot of money still go pretty far in this country...especially in both the professions of acting/theater and politics. In many ways they are bred of the same cloth and that is easily evidenced by some of our politicians - Reagan or Schwarzenegger to name two.

I have believed for many years that real politicians are true 'shape shifters' or maybe benign 'boggarts' (from Harry Potter.) They can make us feel good and right and cared for even as they do things that horrify and sicken us. We accept the worst in them that we wouldn't accept in ourselves or most others. This film brought that home very strongly for me as I found myself disappointed in and disgusted by Jack Stanton... yet rooting for him to win in the end. And I found myself almost crying at the death of Libby realizing that my idealism in politics is just as dead even if I am still breathing. An amazing film on some extraordinary lives.

A Gift Recognized...

Holding onto anger is like grasping hot coal, you are the one getting burned - Buddha

The growth in both spirit and emotional strength that I have accomplished in the last few years has been pretty astonishing to me. I sometimes look back at the hurt and angry person that I was and I feel so much sorrow for her and I long to tell my past self that all will improve and truly will be for her good. I have not exited the furnace of my crucible, but I am closer to the cooler air and to peace and for that I am very grateful.

One thing that I felt intensely that I need to share and must be willing to express is my gratitude that I have been able to let so much of the anger go. I will not pretend it is all gone nor will I feign that I don't still feel a decent sized mass of it writhing around the halls of my soul. However, I can look at some of the hurtful things that people do now and I can see their pain even in the hand that harms me. It is a gift that I had never wanted nor hoped to gain, but it is a gift that I am so grateful for. I still cry sometimes and I feel the frustration and pain that come from misunderstandings and judgments of others, but I now can feel some of what is lurking under the surface of their skin and I can find compassion within my to give. I think in the past I have found it so easy to forgive people of so many things to a certain point and then the hurts would just compound until I couldn't see them without the anger and the hurt almost overwhelming my mind. I think that my new instinct to not trust right away but to also take things less personally and to reach out in love and a genuine desire for understanding is helping me to trust more appropriately... to feel protected and yet open and ready to serve. I am so grateful for this new viewpoint and understanding that I am beginning to gain and thankful that I can see the blessings even in what I believe may be one of the largest trials of my life – my divorce and family loss.

What happened to reflect this to me recently was a very painful experience that I had last Monday. I am not yet ready or comfortable enough to share it with others as my soul just feels almost as much shock and disappointment in myself as pain, but it feels sufficient to say that as I tucked into my covers that night and felt pain and resignation in myself, I felt a great deal more sorrow and compassion for my ex and a few friends than I ever have before. I am in a place that I can comprehend and almost see what they struggle with and it makes my struggles seem so minor and of lesser consequence. I haven't felt such a strong motivation to help these individuals in a very long time. While I feel my own burdens pressing, it is a wonderful feeling to look for ways to help... my troubles seem to lessen even in just the thinking of it. A wonderful blessing indeed.

A Baby Step Forward

So… I have a new place to live! No more tents or cars or anything half baked. I have an actual apartment with a kitchen and *gasp* a bathroom too. : ) I am still moving in and will be for a few weeks, but I am slowly trying to figure out the new routine in my life. Some parts feel so strange and unreal. And I am very much on an emotional roller coaster. I suspect that will continue even as I finish moving the few belongings that I have left into the apartment.

There have been many blessings in this move. One is that I haven’t really had a way to cook really healthy food for a long time. Not having a set kitchen has made things pretty difficult. But I have a kitchen now and some friends have made sure that kitchen wise I am all set! I know have all the needed dishes and I have been spoiled with a hand blender as well as a few other appliances. I have bowls and pans and so now I need to change my old mindset…. as I can cook again! I have gotten in the habit of I can’t cook so why bother and I think that habit has taught me to skip meals like mad – gotta stop doing that too. Another blessing is the opportunity to be able to actually spend time with my cats. My ex is in a bit of a hurry for me to get on my way and so he has been very helpful in giving of his time, energy - and today his blood- to get my stray friends boxed and to the vet for neutering and then pills and flea treatments. They are comfortably resting in the ‘extra’ bedroom in my apartment. (I feel a little ‘wealthy’ and wasteful to have a room for my cats… doesn’t that sound so ridiculous. : ) They will have a bit of storage in their room for a while and as they seem to like using the storage as forts that seems very doable. I don’t have any furniture with the exception of two chairs and a book case, but that seems like a good start. A part of me is starting to feel excited about my new opportunities.

One hardship that I am trying to figure out is the idea of living alone. I have realized as I have thought about it over the last few days that I really have never lived alone. I am not sure that I even really know how to do so. I will hear noises in the night and sit up, confused and frightened… listening and then finally able to go back to sleep. I find myself trying to fill the quiet and even a little bored as I look around wondering what I should do next. (I think putting myself on a schedule will be a bit important to stop that… I don’t think that’s a good habit to start.) I can have horrible dreams- many of which I can’t really fathom how to interpret so I find them not only terrifying but confusing and perplexing as well. So I no longer have any one to disturb if I can’t sleep or I am struggling, but that seems to make the struggle seem more difficult as it becomes even more obvious that I am all alone. I have the freedom to do whatever I want and so, in theory, that should be a benefit. But I guess I haven’t really ever learned to be alone and so I feel it keenly sometimes and I find it very difficult to not just lay down and cry. I find myself starting at the fridge and feeling relief and a little joy that I have food and a fridge and then think… but why bother… no one to eat with. How ridiculous is that? I think in some ways I have become a fresh adult ready and moved out from the parent’s home… I need to learn all the things that I never learned and I need to develop the wish/need to care for myself again. Scheduling, coping, all that stuff.

But I have made a good step forward. I have a safe place to stay and even though I am not sure I want to plants any real ‘roots,’ I can rest and try to figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life. I feel a little like my apartment- mostly empty but with good things and ready to accept them. Bug also enjoyed his visit today and I was able to really enjoy his company and we were both comfortable…. a wonderful experience. So I will see what I can do… and what other steps I can make…. : )

On Children and Rodents...

I had a fairly neat experience the other day. I forget sometimes that not everyone gets the same experiences that I had in my childhood…. And I will admit many parents would probably find my need and almost obsession for a rodent to play with to be at best, bizarre. So having a hamster or mouse to hold and feed and play with is something that I not only enjoy, but I almost do not feel ok without one. (That’s a little hard to explain and many people will not understand so I apologize… but those who do understand will nod and know exactly what I am talking about.)

My current friend is named Maximilian Robespierre. He was a gift from one of my CPR classes- repeat customers are awesome because they remember the things that you like. :) I have never had a gerbil before and he has been quite a new experience for me. For one thing, he is much quicker than a hamster, but not as quick as a mouse. He also has a personality that is pretty hardy and amazing. He loves people and has never bitten anyone; well, except the cats who have tried in the past to figure out how to remove him from his cage. I never knew whether to laugh or cry when I came home and found a cat crying and whining with a hurt paw or nose… and my small white gerbil looking pleased with a bloody face. It is such a bizarre and yet powerful example that my Robespierre has given me over the last year.

So I’m packing and moving and so it was with slight trepidation that I took my current ‘rodent-in-residence’ and strapped him into the front seat of the car. The trepidation is that rodents easily die if they become too frightened or stressed… and he isn’t really young, ya know… I shouldn’t have worried though. He climbed up to his pink penthouse and just watched out the window the whole drive. I couldn’t ever really tell what he was thinking but he made the trip safe and sound to a friend’s house for a few days visit while I get the apartment set up. She has four children who have never had a pet before so Robespierre was quite popular… wasn’t in the house long at all before they figured out he was there. And so in the evening I had the opportunity to sit down on the floor with all four of them and Robespierre. I could answer questions and watch their reactions to him. Claire, who is two, was a little afraid and very excited. She would move closer and then get close enough to see his nose twitch… and then she would scream! (Lucky, he clearly doesn’t stress easily huh. ;) Finn and Ian would pet him and were clearly excited but also had lots of questions such as why he doesn’t have a ‘kitchen in his cage’… that one was really hard to answer! Alia showed a slight amount of fear, but was willing to pet him and ask some pretty intuitive questions about his eating and grooming habits…

So we sat on the floor all together for about five minutes… letting Robespierre be petting or run around and burrow in my lap or even hop in and out of my pocket. I guess I sort of take the joy and wonder of rodents for granted now. Personalities change and they can all have different hobbies or quirks, but I have never met a rodent that I haven’t liked. It was such a fun experience to be able to introduce a pet and friend of mine to others who clearly saw him with a multitude of emotions including excitement and wonder. My life feels so full of negative stuff right now and to be surrounded by happy children who not only wanted my attention but really wanted to enjoy something that I enjoy as well was absolutely priceless. A true blessing and one that I that I was able to repeat before getting him to the new place yesterday. I wish him and his fan club fun in the future ... :)

A Sabbath Experience...

Wow. I have so many adjectives to describe today in my mind, but this Sabbath cannot fairly be described as restful or a 'day of rest'. It's funny, but if you attend any church I cannot imagine that you have much rest at all. If you have children, then there is no possibility that the Sabbath is a day of rest. And for those of us with callings at church, those callings-even when enjoyable and fun- are learning experiences and as such are often work.

I will admit that Sundays for the last few years have always been a great deal of work. Taking Bug to church, getting us through the day and home along with the joys and responsibility of helping my friend Sarah Drew left me fairly wiped out. The pressure and work load was intense and after some Sundays of carrying 40+ pounds on my shoulders for two hours plus helping Sarah I will admit that I didn't really feel the spirit much at all. The struggle was just too great. And the weariness was manifested in almost everyday of my life as I would struggle and fight to stay awake any time I was at all stationary-while driving, while eating... even while driving a car.

In so many ways, Sundays have changed over the last year. I no longer have a best friend to sit with and I no longer have the struggle with Bug. I come to the building an hour before church and I open the library. I copy the programs and the inserts. I choose the items to change and put up front for checkout – the DVD's, new books, etc... I prepare the Sacrament kits and help people get what they need for their lessons. When the meeting starts, I close up and get up the courage to join into the group in the chapel... to reconcile myself to learning, to listening... to feeling alone in the crowd. If needed I also give of the time and my energy to help others with their children... to hug them, distract them, to quiet them... and to love them. That is my average typical Sunday. The work is different and is less physically exhausting than I used to do, but I would be lying if I didn't suggest that it isn't work. The secrets I bring and the burden and emotion and pain are just as much of a struggle in many ways. Heck, sometimes the weight of the pain and emotions and my silence feels somehow heavier than the weight of my son riding along on my shoulders for the hours on end as I bounced him quietly and tried to keep him silent in the past.

In some ways, this Sunday was no different. I had all of these tasks as well as my burdens, but one of my choices and circumstances today very much added to the stress of the day. One circumstance was that my phone broke and so I didn't arrive as early as I usually do... so I lost track of time and was only about 1/2 an hour early. When I arrived, I found that things were actually a bit chaotic and so I started my work by trying to hunt down the program and then racing to the supermarket to buy gluten free bread after it was discovered ten minutes before the meeting started that there was none to be found. I was back in twelve minutes (a record I think) and was only three minutes late for the start of the meeting... a stunning achievement, but I will admit not very spiritual. So it was with a relieved heart that I sat down in the foyer on the couch to catch my breath, to think and to try and bring myself back to be ready for the spirit.

However, my choice to sit in the foyer was a big mistake. While well intentioned, I discovered that I then had the difficulty of trying to listen to the talks in Sacrament with the members of one family walking back and forth every few minutes checking the foyer. It was very clear immediately that these members were no willing to enter the meeting, but were also not willing to sit in the foyer while I was sitting there... so they kept checking to see if I had left. The behavior was so obvious that another sister who came out of the meeting to sit in the foyer commented that I really need to apologize for offending these members as I surely must have done for this behavior to continue.... it was so clear to her what their purpose was. I tried to smile and just bite my tongue to continue to keep my silence. And so every time I saw one of them come to check, I would think of getting up to go into the meeting. Not because I felt comfortable or able to do so, but because I felt hounded and hunted and pressed to do so. So I tried to breath deeply and continue to sit... fighting the feelings of fear and anger welling inside and tried to listen. It was almost impossible to glean anything from the talks because it would take me a few minutes to really get myself refocused... and then they were back to see if I had gotten the 'hint' yet.... and the fragile peace in my head was shattered. It is hard to sit through this behavior and not feel like I have done something awful and deserve it... to remember that I have not only done all I can but have bent over backwards to try and make the situation manageable... to remember that in many ways I am the one who was wronged and now struggle to deal with the reality that her choices have helped create for me in my life. So I sat... and I sat... and the meeting finally ended.

I tried to deal with the library and some things there, but when I heard shouting a few minutes later in the foyer, I gave up and walked out. There I found one of the sisters yelling at the missionaries to force the child playing the organ in the chapel to stop- it was apparently inappropriate. (Frankly, yelling at the missionaries and in the church was inappropriate, but I digress. ; ) So I went into the chapel to see one of my favorite summer visitors happily playing the piano and celebrating song and church. Adam is a beautiful child with so many difficulties and disabilities and his joy was as obvious as his father's slight embarrassment. So he can't actually play music that we recognize and the composition is his own. Doesn't that make it an even greater gift to the Father? Soon he was distracted and came with me to the library for crackers and I gave him one of my very favorite books. Off to class he headed with his dad, satisfied and ready. And I picked up my stuff, left a message for the branch president, and took off hoping to steal an hour or two of silence for myself.

So many people say that I am strong- my branch president, friends, family... but I don't tend to feel that way. I feel like I am walking on a fragile cord struggling to keep my balance and hoping the cord won't break and send me crashing to the ground. Still, after all this time.... I am not sure about much, but I think I need a redefining of myself and my life. I need a new focus... a way to feel strong. But until then... I guess I keep going. :)