The Identity Game

Have you ever played the Identity Wheel game? Here is a copy of the gameboard....

When you fill it out... what do you find? Here is what mine looks like:

My identity wheel doesn't really have much diversity in it at all. basically... it is a quick and easy people labeler. It took me about three minutes to fill out and I wasn't really surprised to say that it doesn't really tell anyone much about me that isn't already pretty obvious. I am a 41 year old, European ancestry white girl who considers herself to be heterosexual with some minor disabilities. I have had a multitude of low paying high responsibility jobs for most of my life in the medical field that have included working with adolescents in crisis and detox, emergency medicine and pharmaceutical distribution in both hospital and retail areas. I work 6 days a week almost all year to break $20,000 a year, am divorced with one child, and no military experience (had little interest and when recruited my physical stuff disqualified me.) I was born in Rhode Island, grew up in Colorado and Las Vegas and then moved to Maine 15 years ago and will probably stay here for the rest of my time here. I still have parents and family out west and I am trying to complete a college degree. I am a strong believing Mormon (LDS) with very unorthodox views so I do not fit in the orthodox church mold very well.

One thing that came to mind as I was filling this out was how simple it seemed to me and as I wrote down my sexual identity, gender, etc... I had an image of a teenager looking at the paper and hesitating.... Should they write down what they feel in their heart... or what other people would write down for them. In some ways this diversity wheel can also be used to obscure identity to try and fit in better in the society and culture you reside in. So while I found it pretty simple to fill out, I am also pretty comfortable with who I am at this stage of my life. For anyone who doesn't necessarily fit in the normative modes, each piece of the pie can come with hesitation and decision.

It also doesn't cover the aspects that make me who I am. My desires and dreams are no where and do not even leave any hints on this wheel and depending on when it is filled out, so much can change. I was married once and can get married again. I am interested in adoption so maybe I will add more children to my home... doubt it, but who knows. Even the boxes that seen clear such as religion do not tell how I interact with my religion and its teachings nor how other adherents around me change the religious experience for me. An interesting activity thought.

If you complete the activity for yourself, what does it tell you? Are you willing to share?

Crazy Dreams....

Boy, have I been having them lately. The good thing about not having a full time job right now is that I am actually getting sleep and therefore I am able to dream again. The good news is that most of them are not the bad, shaking, panic builders that I have been more likely to have over the last few years. If dreams are windows into what someone is thinking... well, Father help me! So if you can stand it, here's a taste...

… dressed in black climbing through by bedroom window. I'm clearly in a big city again, maybe even Vegas, and I am walking down the street desperate not to be seen. I enter a store and buy some croissants and quickly leave slipping into the shadows. I seem to immediately find a park with large hedges and I sit in the dark, stuffing myself with the croissants. I feel the lightness and softness melt on my tongue and I wake up... happy it was a dream so I didn't 'really' do it and so I am not sick, but also feeling a bit bereft. It feels so real and I miss that sensation a lot....

… sitting in the dirt, a small brush in my hand. My hands are digging, softly pulling up the dirt. Carefully sifting through it and slowing down when a flash of dirty yellow-white is seen. Carefully removing the bits of bone from the ground, I brush them off and then set them aside. My interest and horror wanes after the bone is clean and so I continue to dig... continue to sift through the soft lomb..... and repeat the process.

… sitting Indian style upon the ground, back to the wall in the corner.... A bread bowl in my hand, warm and fragrant, full of a thick onion soup, brown and and full. I sit silently and watch the man leaning against the table starting at his food and after a long time of both of us sitting in silence, he pushes his bread bowl away, uneaten. While I know he is there, he seems to not know of my presence... almost like I entered his memories in a pensieve so I could view, but not be known. While there is silence inside this room, outside the door the noise of horses and men preparing for battle is filling the air. And so King Richard stands, looks around the room and exits.... and I sit thinking, knowing that he will lose the Battle of Bosworth and the thought comes into my head “Richard III had to die so the world could move forward”... and the world does move forward in the early 1500's with the Renaissance and the Tudors and the Enlightenment. So I watch images flow through my mind.... the sneaky Henry and his beautiful ancestress Catherine of Valois, the Regal Elizabeth I.... and the redrawing of maps and steam engines and horses running across the plans and child labor and trees falling and border fences and anger and groups protesting and the middle east on fire.....

...sitting at a table with a plate of shrimp alfredo in front of me in a quiet restaurant. The walls had dark word panels on them and the table had a lacy tablecloth with a small candle and a few flowers sprinkled around the table. And there I sit, chatting and smiling with Nick Frost. I can't hear what either of us is saying but it just seems nice and calm and fun....

Those are the ones that I remember... how funny are they?!? I am not someone who knows how to analyze dreams very well- I need to have dreams that are very specific for me to do that with any kind of accuracy. :) The only things that I do get from these dreams is that I am being silly enough to wish for food I can not have, I might be ready to casually date and that I might be finally getting to the bottom of the last of my feelings about the divorce and finding ways to deal with it. Who knows...? Maybe I just want a croissant... Anyone have an extra? ; )

2014 Poetry Corner # 4 - "The Unexpected Change"

Relief, sweeping relief
the surprising news comes
My heart feels lighter, suspended
the fear is dissolving, the air more clear
Tears pour down with gratitude
Nothing has changed... just one small tweak
yet the whole world is righted
moving forward feels possible, even doable

Thank you, Father... thanks for hearing
the prayer I didn't dare dream … or whisper

I Don't Believe in Reincarnation, but....

I have found myself, eyebrows raised, several times over the last few weeks as I have observed Bear and his behavior around my home. In my past, I have only known one cat who was almost frightening in his intensity, his emotions and his behavior. Jeeves was in my life for over twenty years and is the cat that I miss the very most in my dreams and in odd moments in my life and thoughts. I got him with his brother, Achilles, when they were older kittens. Jeeves was a strong and almost arrogant cat... one filled with purpose and fiercely protective of his brother as well as me. He was an amazing hunter and active personality... not very restful at all. And he was very much bizarre in his desire to try anything- he would jump into the fridge and steal food, climb onto the counters and steal vegetables, and even drag his brother around cleaning him. As he grew older, he could read my emotions and would respond accordingly. He would allow strong cuddling when I was feeling sad and devastated, and would sit next to me and purr when I couldn't sleep to help lull me into the deep. He would nudge me awake when I was having bad dreams and would sit with me while I would force myself to calm and relax again. He also had a bizarre habit of knowing when I was watching something or reading a book that was bad for me and he would do what he could to end it- by sitting on the computer or in front of the screen, laying down on or biting the book, meowing and pressing himself in front of my eyes. Sometimes it would frustrate me, but always I felt his love. He loved life and me so much that he was unwilling to go...especially as my husband began to take everything. He would follow me everywhere and watch me, cuddling, talking, listening... like a loyal security angel. Old and with failing kidneys, he fought and found joy in every day and only allowed death to take him when he had no choice. I held him in my arms as he left and I have never had a companion like him, before or since... until now.

Bear is different in some physical characteristics. Both are black and white, but different- Jeeves with his mostly black medium haired tuxedo and Bear with a mostly white coat and a streak of black across his head, back, and tail with a few misc spots here and there. Jeeves was only slightly larger than an average cat while Bear is already huge and still hasn't finished growing into his feet yet. Both are male with a strength and confidence in themselves and the world. But the differences seem to end there... Bear has begun to steal vegetables and just this morning I caught him stealing some of my cabbage salad. He not only steals vegetables, but he also steals frosting, cake, chocolate chips, cereal and mild fruit. He comes and sits by my head at night and purrs me to sleep and wakes me when my body shudders with dreams. He sometimes forces me to rest by sitting on me and pushing me down into a prone position and as I pet and prod him I tend to smile and sleep... his weight solid and soothing. When I feel sad he has started to run over to me and appears to be trying to figure things out... he is definitely starting to understand the ways I feel and think. And as I have been putting in movies to watch for class that make me feel uncomfortable, Bear has become annoyingly active in his desire to sit on the computer and walk all over the keys until the screen goes blank. If I pick up a book on the same subjects, he sits on them too... pick up a comic book or science fiction... and he just purrs and leaves me alone. It's a bit overwhelming and beautiful and astonishing.

Two years apart between death and birth, but it feels like that noble one is back in my life. Others who have noticed have pointed out the strong parallels between the two cats including my ex-husband. I do not believe in reincarnation nor do I really believe that cats have nine lives... it couldn't be reincarnation anyway because of the long gap in time. But what it clearly seems to be is a small miracle just for me. A gift that many other people might not appreciate, but one that means the world to me. Heavenly Father knows my needs and my struggles and helps fulfill them. I have a reason to rush home now and feel genuine excitement to do so... I haven't felt that way since well, Rob and Bug. I watch Bear stir up the others into long periods of stampeding and I smile... I am looking forward to the next few years. :)

Aaack! Aaack!

In the past, I have found myself really busy and struggling to juggle all the 'needs' and how to meet and accomplish all of them. Juggling Bug and appointments and the household and the spouse was barely doable – no surprise that my health became really poor as taking care of myself wasn't in my list of priorities. With the other family changes in my life, I have been able to make caring for myself a great priority and my health has improved a lot. Gluten is still a huge issue for me – sometimes I feel like the world is made of wheat and so I can't touch anything or go anywhere.

I'm back in a little bit of a crunch time again. After I was laid off in August, I have continued to look for work and I am still enrolled and completing three college classes. In September, I accepted a 'temporary / part time' job which was supposed to last three weeks and I would either have full time or nothing. I have been working almost forty hours a week at around minimum wage since that time. The company that I am working for is now suggesting that they may keep everyone at relatively low hours, wages, and 'temporary' positioning through December. So I'm hanging in there in the hopes of full time because I have the potential to make a lot more. But I would be lying if I didn't say that I feel the weight of the work that I am trying to accomplish. Working full time, doing school work full time, continuing to look for work and trying to fulfill my church, family and personal responsibilities... well, I feel really pushed and rushed around. (I'm also in the middle of moving as well.) I haven't been taking care of myself as well as I could and my sleep has been problematic again. It's like my brain can't shut off and is constantly continuing to try and rearrange and figure out how I am going to get it all done. So I will wake up after a few hours and my brain is already 'running' as I wake up. And it has to run for a bit before I can sleep again. So part of my brain will continue the list, rearrange it, or add more to it... while another part of my head is quietly swearing and imaging sleep. So I'm making lists, thinking 'Ack', and trying to image my mind into dreams. I will admit it's not working well. ; )

So over the last few weeks I have been trying something new... and its working! A few weeks ago, many of you know that I adopted two almost grown kittens who needed a home quickly... or they wouldn't have been around for one! So even though I didn't need any more cats... didn't want any more cats... I have two more cats! And they are such a blessing. We have a race to the door when I come home and a race to bed when I am getting ready to head there. I have purring and snuggling during scripture study and I am sleeping so much better. It's funny because I am still behind on so much but I don't feel nearly as stressed about it now. It's just a wonderful thing. Sleep, I took you for granted when I was younger.... I don't anymore. So I am grateful for my new pals and the other blessings in my life. They mean a lot to me!

What new blessings do you have in your life? :)

2013 Poetry Corner #6 - "To Be"

To dream is to stretch your soul
... to reach out of your reality to a new place
... to hope for future peace

To plan is to stretch your mind
... to focus on the changes that must be
... to hold onto a goal with purpose

To try is to acknowledge possibility
... of both failure and success
... to move onward anyway

To grow is to reach forth
... to know that to gain may cause pain
... that through adversity, we gain strength

To love is to believe
... to know that the Father loves us
... to have faith in ourselves
... to be

2013 Poetry Corner #5 - "The Boats in Sacrament"

To sit in Sacrament alone you feel adrift
A dingy in a sea of boats
families sitting, crowded and close
tightly moored in their pews
A glance around - you're all alone
in a sea of empty seats...
But then, a dream and soon you too
are surrounded by love and friends
What bliss and joy and peacefulness
and the world no longer seems bleak

A beautiful wish, a thought, a dream
and a need that is attainable
to serve, to lift, to hug another
is a challenge so easily served
So, brothers and sisters, my friends, my love
What have you done today?
Have you moored your yacht so closed and far
that others fear to join?
Stand up, reach out, a hand, a touch
and for just a moment in time
A boat and a dingy sit side by sit
picturesque, joined, and one.
A beacon for all to see
so that all may join, feel safe, secure
in the arms of our earthly community

Please try, please reach
please ask out loud
and pull us all together.
Let no one feel left out, alone
So all may feel at home.

A Night of Solid Dreams

Friday night was absolutely amazing...! (Probably not the way to start a post without having it potentially misconstrued- so don't worry! It's clean. :) I have been struggling to really sleep for months. Sometimes I will get a decent night of sleep, but for the most part I just toss and turn and get up and read or listen to music and eat and play with cats or my hammy; in essence, I don't sleep. When I feel so emotional and tired that I am truly desperate I will try to work myself out of any potential thread of energy left, fill my stomach full, and take two benadryl and I will usually sleep. I will still wake up and toss, etc... but I can go back to sleep easily on those nights. One thing that tends to bring me back to wakefulness is clearly my thoughts and worries and plans as I am trying to move forward and get through this difficult time to find an easier path. The other thing that forces me awake and tends to keep me up is dreams, which have been really challenging over the last few years. Some are so bad that I wake up totally covered in sweat and just panic stricken. In some cases it takes me a little bit to realize that it was a dream and so I am confused about the change of scenery and dress. I understand that dreaming in color is not very common so it is a blessing that I have, but I do wonder if that helps with my mental confusion after some of the really horrible dreams. When I come to work and look pretty awful after a bad night, I will joke about being 'hag-ridden' and we can all have a nice laugh, but I will admit its definitely not funny at the time. I have seen some paintings from past centuries where artists have tried to portray the fear and confusion and of course the 'witches' and 'demons' that caused them. Those painters do not inspire laughter... at least in me.

This week was a typical week. I have been working a lot of hours and haven't been sleeping well at all. Charity is learning to follow food through a hoop and I have discovered that Egg likes smoked salmon and he will try to open the fridge door to get it- that's a big step for him. Several weeks ago I tried an experiment and I took apart the mattress I made and I folded down my 'couch' futon and I have been sleeping on it. I haven't really noticed a difference in my sleep the last week so it sort of confirmed to me that not only do I definitely have insomnia at this point, but it's probably my head or 'me' physically and not anything in my environment. Disappointing, but doable I guess. So that night I was tired and just started to do the normal getting ready to sleep stuff. I got off of work and then ran a few quick errands so that I would be all ready for the Sabbath. I got home, emptied my car and then got to work on the house. Soon it was spiffy and I had heated up a quick meal with lots of fat (I think it helps me feel fuller and sleep better) and I had a nice hot bath. When I came home I had a package from an awesome friend and it had a light but snug king size comforter in it and so I climbed into bed after my bath with a good book and that comforter. As soon as I felt like I could sleep, I put down the book and I actually slept for six hours... a real record for me these days.

The kicker was that I still dreamed and the dreams were really intense. I have been working on trying to mentally 'change' the dreams, but I have had very little success. I'm either so tired that as I try to change it I fall so deeply back into it that it doesn't work... or I become so frightened that I am pushed out of the dream altogether and then I'm awake for awhile. This night, I don't actually feel like I mentally changed anything. The dreams were not as bad as usual, but I felt like the images were seared into my brain along with the emotions that they caused so that when I did wake up I was sure of a few things. One image that happened a few times in the dream was that I was following either a ex-friend or walking with a current friend. When I was walking with the friend we were laughing and joking and just talking.... I'm not sure what was going on with the other scenario because I never felt like a stalker; just like I was in that position for a reason. At some point I would 'feel' something that I can't really describe... just a really strong feeling like something bad was coming and it was going to cause both of us to die. In both scenarios, I would reach out for the other person and would move them- either by pushing or tackling- and I would throw my body over theirs. At one point and I still feel and see this image inside, I looked up as I was crouched over my friend and the air was literally moving and pulsing.

I have been having this dream off and on for months and I have no idea what it really means... if it means anything at all. These images have come back into my mind over the last few days with the recent bombing in Boston and I have thought of the people who ran away.... and those that ran towards to sounds and terror. In my dream I knew something was coming so I could make a active choice and prepare myself... those who ran towards to terror were not sure what was happening or what they could do, but in that split second they decided to try. How wonderful and faith affirming is that! I hope we can continue to pray for all of us- in Boston, Syria.... in so many places where people are suffering through horrors and pain that many of us will never experience. I really hope that we as a race can keep working toward peace with each other. It is one of my fondest wishes.

2012 Poetry Corner #5 : Wishes, Dreams, and Prayer

A wish is but a dream
Given voice and breath
A dream is but a prayer
Given thought and space

So what is a prayer
Except simply pure love
The voice and yearning
Of our very souls...

The pleading of a child
To an adored parent
The struggle to bridge the gap


How do you reach across the void
The chasm of living silence
To bring your thoughts in line with God
To make your day complete




It is a struggle, so truly hard
To put my will aside
To recognize my lack of power
In the face of the divine

And yet the struggle becomes a breeze
When my heart is truly open
And I feel the spirit and the peace
The brightness of the mind

So I find my hope in wishes
And refuge in my dreams
Joy within my being
And awe in my solitude

It will be well….

Today's Activities and Introspection

Today, I spent a few hours out in the sun. Spring is really finally here! While this spring is different than other springs here, I have become determined to press forward and not just let everything at home go because I feel jumbled and scared and just hesitant to do anything- I wish I was more hesitant in my thoughts... they just seem to go everywhere and I am having a hard time keeping them upbeat these days.

So, when I was able to this morning, I headed outside. I stood for a few minutes with my eyes closed and just enjoyed the sun... feeling the rays and the warmth and the slight breeze. Then I took a deep breath and got to work. Instead of gardening this year and trying to full scale farm I figure that I should just try to clean things up and try really hard to get the property ready for next year and if I am lucky, I will be able to work it next year. So to start, I brought Casey out so that he could keep me company and eat the fresh growing grass and clover. He seemed to have a great time and was quite round in the belly a few hours later when I returned him to his yard. And while he ate I chattered at him, prayed out loud and filled small bags with whatever detritus I could find. I filled boxes with kindling, pulled up and moved stock paneling from the tightly woven grass holding it to the ground. I shuffled my feet through the long grass and filled a few bags with fence parts that I couldn't see but I could feel with my bare feet. It wasn't much and only a few hours of work... and I should have been doing school work. Then I left and mowed a few lawns for some elderly people who can't do it for themselves and had a friend spoil me and take me out to dinner. But I found a few things in my mind while I was working in my yard that were interesting revelations to me.

One was the sorrow of picking up the miscellaneous debris- I was surprised to feel myself crying. I finished what I accomplished with a sense of a job well done, but while I was doing it I thought of so many things. Things like my dreams are like all of the detritus laying on the ground- all broken and shattered and I feel like I am losing everything. I feel like no matter how good I have been or how much I have tried it is all useless... and all that's left is to pick up the pieces that are left and throw them away. I am not even sure that I will still have left which is me is really worth much anymore. Everything feels too broken, the nightmares are driving me mad, and I will admit that when you realize that you are just starting to ignore the chest pain because it is coming so constantly and consistently... I think that is a problem. I wonder if there are some hurts that just go too deeply to heal. And yet, I felt satisfied and relatively happy as for a few hours I held the world an arm's length away and picked up trash and just thought about things. I thought about fence building and how to survive through this next year. I was even silly enough to imagine having myself in enough shape that I gardened next year, and raised a pig or two and got a companion for Casey would would really like one.

I also thought about how alone I feel and my desire to hide from almost anything and anyone these days- friend or foe. I think it is safe to say that this confusion and depression that seems to have settled into my soul will walk many more miles with me... I have no idea how to shake it off. I have even stopped going to counseling- it just doesn't seem very worthwhile. It feels almost like I am surrounded by dementors and I want to fight them and make them go away, but I have no wand... I am no wizard... and I am too weary to even try and conjure up the words of the spell. And yet... I am blessed. I have many friends and family who care and worry for me. I think people would do more if I let them, but instead I hide and pretend that everything is OK to almost anyone and I don't talk about these things to almost anyone. I wonder who I think I am kidding... I know that someday I will feel better- at least I hope I do. These last few years have been pretty horrible. I am working to think good thoughts and read my scriptures because I do not think that Heavenly Father has abandoned me and in many ways, I am sorry for the sorrow that he is feeling over this situation. I know he is looking after me in my trials.

So I am headed to bed after this long day. My head is full, my heart is heavy and the feeling of peace I had earlier is gone. And to add a funny note to the day, I burned my back something terrible from my time outside. (A good lesson for people like me who are OK with being immodest when no one is watching... if I had been wearing a shirt I wouldn't have had that problem.) But I think the time that I spend outside, working and thinking and really being introspective was well spent. So many of my earthy brothers and sisters share the same trial in their future (or their past) as I struggle to face now. I hope that I will be successful in enduring and doing what my Father would have me do. And on a short term note... I hope I sleep tonight! :)

Brain Junk....

I feel like my brain has the tendency to scatter very easily these days like a jar of beans dropped to the floor. I have so much in my head and trying top work around it can be difficult to say the least. I find myself in the present moment remembering things that must be done as well as trying to accomplish what I am actually doing as well as trying to keep my mind open for inspiration and revelation. It sometimes feels like figuring out the way to accomplish all three of these tasks is going to literally turn my brain to mush as I feel the chaos in head doesn't make much sense. My brain flits from one thought to another -many of which do not appear to have any relation to each other- as work on the present situation becomes more difficult. I find in all this chaos, my brain conjures up phrases from songs that either bring my some comfort or pain, inspiration or confusion. And parts of my dreams are constantly coming back to haunt my daylight. It is a strange place to be in... and almost reminds me of an Ann Rand novel- which God bless me always confused me as well.

So I wake up in the morning and feel the dream start to ebb into my subconscious (at least the conversations from the dreams start to and then the different 'beans' of thought start to fall...and if I am lucky they wait until after my prayer so it is possible finish a coherent prayer.

... Father, I'm not sure I can do today and I'm not sure I want to. Help!... I really need to catch up on my paper... 'I don't always sleep at night just waiting for the light to come and find me'...I wonder how Bug is doing? I wish I didn't feel so yucky and I felt like eating.... 'Don't be afraid, oh my love... I'll be watching you from above'....Oh, crud- nutrition class is due today and I haven't started it yet. And I forgot Bug's book- need to order that...... 'Don't be sad for me- everything is how it had to be.'...Stop it. You're shaking like a leaf. That's crazy. What are you so afraid of?... That's funny that she still has the same haircut. I wonder why.... 'Every new beginning comes from some other beginnings end' ...I made it. Thank God I wasn't sure I would. Why are you twisting that? They will think you are nervous. Stop it!... 'In the breath of a wind and sigh... there is no need to cry.'... Why am I so scared...it's just church.... 'Don't be afraid'... This is nice. I wonder what Brock is doing now... What does this mean?... 'You ask me for an answer and I'm so tired of up in the air up in the air'... I wish I didn't feel this guilt...and I'm not even sure what I am feeling the guilt for... 'Closing time- you don't have to go home but you can't stay here'... 'Counting up to twenty has been difficult for some, but as we learn to count to twenty, it should be easy to get to twenty one.'... Hey, I blogged about this song- it really is a nice song. I should think about looking at some more of her work... 'Sometimes I wish I had no pride; I'd go off and sell my soul'.... That's a neat scripture... maybe I should stop reading in order and just flip around for a few days. Amy picked a good one- hey, I have it marked... That's nice... 'I'm not crazy or anything'... I have so much to do when I get home... I wonder what I should do first. Peter I or nutrition?... 'Walking beside the guilty and the innocent, how will you raise your hand when they call your name'... Who should I make cards for? I don't like itchy ears... Do you want to look at these?... 'The church has need of helping hands and hearts that know and feel'... That letter was odd... I wonder what she was trying to achieve by sending it.... A few minutes and it should be done... Gosh, I am tired... 'Every second of the night I live another life' Why do I start crying over everything? It's so silly and not very attractive... The skirt is nice though... How can I laugh and cry at the same time- that is daft... 'Looking for special things inside of me'... Did I remember the stamps?... I wonder how Al is doing? Gosh it must be miserable to be sick for so long... Thank goodness I haven't been sick for a bit... I wish I didn't keep thinking that!.... 'Believe that the sun will rise tomorrow and that your saints and sinners bleed' How can I help? I wonder if she will be offended if I hug her... maybe I should just get some scissors and wack it off. That would be cheaper....
'When you smile be sure to smile wide and don't let them know that they have won'... I would love to goof with Achilles... do groomers groom cats? I should could use a nap.

And that is just a taster. If nothing else, my brain is full... and not with anything useful. And finding a way to control my worry is tough. I have started using a list to write down the things I remember that need doing and no longer do homework within one hour of bed. I try to read something simple and have gotten in the habit of falling asleep listening to Winnie the Pooh stories on my phone... which is helpful. I am looking for more techniques to try and calm the incessant chatter in my head... and hopefully I can calm this brain mess down to a dull roar soon. It would be nice to be able to think clearly again! :)

To Live For Today.....

“Even you are not rich enough to buy back your past... No man is." - An Ideal Husband

Today I feel caught in the past. The memories of my past. The thoughts and fears and dreams of my past. I am finding it hard to live in my life today because my mind is running through the scripts of my past days in such quantity and with such speed. There is so much that I regret, so much that I need to acknowledge and atone for and so much that I have been castigated and thrown over the coals for that I never did. A part of me thinks that it should be a wash and I should have a blank slate like a newborn child.... but I would never want to go back to my childhood and I would not relish losing much of the knowledge that I have gained. Even the knowledge that I have gained from having my feet pressed firmly on the hot firebricks is valuable and useful knowledge and the pain of gaining that knowledge doesn't outweigh the benefits of its possession.

So... I can continue to waste this day and allow my mind and my heart to fall into the dark depressive ruminative state that accompanies sorrow and self pity... or I can sit up and shout “I'm here! I'm good! I'm trying!” I can hold my head up high with my shoulder straight and remember that I am a daughter of God, that he cares and loves me, and that he paid the price so that I can screw up and not have to beat myself whether physically or mentally. I do not have to become a self flagellant. I can remember that this day is the only day like it I will have.... and I can live for today. I can hug my child, kiss my husband and tell all my friends and family that I love them and make today a special day to look back upon instead of having mostly uncomfortable memories. I can break my life down into short pieces so that I can find more success and feel more hopeful and maybe even... joy. And my world will be better for this... and so will my life!