An Interesting First Class!

So this semester I am taking three classes; two online and one in classroom. I usually always only take on line classes but I still needed a fine arts elective and funnily enough... very few of them are online. ;) So I signed up for a class than analyzes the American culture and way of life through film. Already, I am a bit surprised. My first surprise was I thought that it would be pretty easy- I analyze books with very little trouble and even though it's a writing intensive course, I love to write so I figured I was pretty set. To my surprise, I was quite wrong on a few levels.

To start, movies are a bit complicated for me. Don't get me wrong- I do like movies- but I am actually very careful what I watch. I was exposed to 'war' movies and horror movies when I was quite young by my mother and I still sometimes have horrible dreams of those movies. (One specific scene I see a few times a year in a thin, small Asian man walking through a field of bones with fear and resignation on his face... not a pleasant scene) If you want a true irony – I love history and most of my 'fun' reading books are history nonfiction, but I do not watch too much on that topic at all. I don't tend to watch the History Channel period – I call it the war channel- and while I have a huge shelf of documentaries at home, none of them deal with war. Most movies I do watch tend to be documentaries (usually nature or science), comedies, as well as books turned into movies. My favorite movie is Pride and Prejudice for drama and Pink Panther (the older ones) for comedy... My Uncle Dee introduced me to those! So actually watching war films for three hours in the first class was very challenging for me. We watched two documentaries; one hasn't even been officially released yet but my teacher has some pull with the producer. That particular one is called “Nazi's Attack America.” It talked about the spies that landed in Hancock, Maine during WWII and reminded me of my friend Sarah Drew who first told me about the spies and their capture. She died about five years ago at 88 years old, but I loved listening to her stories of the depression and the war in Maine.

It was interesting to look at the mug shots of the men that I have heard so much about in my past and to learn that one of the spies comes to Down-east Maine every few years on vacation. I also didn't realize that the war could have continued on longer- I thought Germany pretty much had nothing left at the end, but the documentary made clear that they were still well equipped navy -wise and if a different man had been in charge, this might have been different (or at least the war would have dragged on longer.) On NPR a little over a week ago, the reporter mentioned that Hitler's last bodyguard died. (I think he said the gentleman was 91.) The reporter quoted the man as saying that Hitler 'was just an ordinary nice man.' While it is not comfortable to hear things like this, especially to those who have turned the image of Hitler in their mind into an unforgivable demon, I think those things are so important to hear when people thing them because it confirms to me he (Hitler) wasn't so abnormal... we each as human beings have these inclinations in all of us. Anyone of us could do the same thing if our situations were different and we have to actively fight the darkness in ourselves to not perform these atrocities. Scary, but good to know!

I was very intrigued by the documentary “The War” directed by Ken Burns. It felt very comfortable for me to watch because it really did focus on the individual human element. Dates and occasions as history do not mean as much to me because I do not believe they tell much of the real story. I am very interested in watching the whole thing and watching for a cheap copy... Anybody have one they don't want? :) It really looks like a great film. I was nervous when it first came on the screen because I thought it would be like “Platoon” or “The Killing Fields.” I was genuinely pulled into the story. So I am hopeful that I will get to see the rest of it at some point and I do highly recommend it from the sixty minutes I saw!

There are some movies that I would be interested in seeing that I highly doubt will be in the class. I am interested in the Sweeny Todd film directed by Tim Burton (he's a favorite of mine) and I am also interested in some of the classics as I have seen very few. I am guessing that the class doesn't touch music videos either (according to the syllabus) but I will admit that I am starting to really look at the videos that I play when I run on the treadmill. One song that has started to really intrigue me due to the video is called “Warning” by the group Green Day. I feel like I find something new in the video every time and I am starting to enjoy looking at a few others and trying to see the art and the message in them. Some do not seem to have much, but I've found a few lately that I have enjoyed. :)

So.... What movies are you hoping to see soon? What are your favorites? How do you think movies can express the culture and values that we live in? I would be interested to know how you view and use them in your life.... :)

Building A Support Team.....

Do you have a support system? After doing some study this week, I pretty much realized that I do not have a solid support system and I need one. The ability to learn how to develop one is not only a much needed skill, but something I truly want. I want to not only have a support system, but to be an intricate part of other support systems. So I took the time to make two lists. One list was of current important relationships and one was of past important relationships. And there came the challenge. My most important relationship is with my husband and even though that relationship is changing, it still is my most important relationship and has been for almost two decades. But I will say that I am not sure how supportive it really is. I don't think that any relationship can be strong and supportive if only one person is interested in that and is uncommunicative. Rob is important to me for so many reasons. His strength and positive energy I have found supportive in times of trouble and confusion. His smile has always been a constant and it has never failed to give me a joyful lift every time I see it. I look to him for someone that I trust to talk to, to help solve problems, and as a friend. That relationship is clearly changing as we go through the beginning process of divorce and my husband works on changing the relationship. So I am at the beginning of developing a new life path and I have the wonderful opportunity to be able to learn and actively develop a new support system to help with that. What a cool thing!

My family of origin has had a lot of influence in my development as a person and as a leader. How much of my emotional and physical development that can be easily pushed onto my family, my original personality, society, etc... I do not know and I don't think that really dissecting it in the past has really done much but cause blame and anger. Needless to say, I left my parent's (almost said mother's -that' blaming I think :) home at eighteen years old with very little confidence in myself and with few marketable skills besides the motivation to please and a high energy level that allowed me to perform work faster than the average bear. I think that I carry almost literally the heavy burden of emotion and experience of the past on my shoulders. If I was to try and decide the role that my family played in my growing as a leader, I think that I would need to re-frame it. I think what I can do is to say that I learned to survive and to depend on myself. I learned to appreciate caring friends and I learned to understand and be more tolerant of differences and mental illness. These skills have served me well in my life and have really taught me an understanding, compassion, and service for other people that I think I wouldn't have gained any other way. A diagnosis is no longer something to fear... it's just a silly label and it doesn't change who the person is, what they think and feel, or in most ways what they need. So I am willing to step forward to help others that many people do not feel comfortable spending time with and I can laugh and become friends with someone and not focus on their 'labels.' One thing that I learned from my family is to please others and I am trying to find a medium ground where I please others, but I do not harm myself in the doing. I think that my genuine understanding and re-framing of my past family experiences can show me the positive aspects of the skills that I learned and help me to also grow and learn from the difficulties that I see people still struggling with in my family.

This might sound a little bit of a cope out, but I do not feel like I have any really important relationships in the past that was truly influential over a period of time in a positive way. I can think of many people that had influenced me for short periods of time and mostly in positive, 'friendship' ways. Maybe in some ways I am still seeing the term leadership in too rigid a construct. Friends do help me to learn how to be a better leader by being a leader in my own life. My friend Katey has been very influential in helping me to be introspective in a way that is positive and can sustain growth. She has helped my confidence and she always is willing to say the hard things- if she needs to tell me something hurtful that is useful, she will do it. How many people have such a real true friend? Katey has been instrumental in helping me keep my mental health in my current life situation and my ability to laugh and see many things in a positive light. I think that she will be an important part of my support system as I move forward.

I have mentioned before that I do not think I have really had any mentors... at least not in the sense of what the word means to me. One person that pops into my mind is a friend of mine who died a few years ago. Her name was Sarah Drew and she was sixty years older than me. I met her at church and she became my closest friend and confidant for many years. In some ways, I think she does count as a mentor as I did tend to take her advice when it was given and she also taught me how to survive through really difficult situations. She was a child of divorce and the Great Depression, had three divorces herself, four children and a nursing career. She was a wonderfully caring person. She would let me know that I needed to stand up for myself... and she was willing to stand up to people a lot bigger than her to protect me. She could be quite fierce when people were intolerant and mean and I will always miss her... and I wish I could have been closer to her age so we would have more time together. I think there are a few ways that she helped me develop important skills. She helped me to develop strength and stamina in adversity and there were many times I might have stopped coming to church without her loyal and calming influence. She helped me to learn that family was what you made of it and not necessarily what you were born with – my son still misses Gram Sarah. She would listen to me, give advice, and support me in my trials.... and I would give her rides to church and to appointments and help her to accomplish the things that mattered to her... but she wasn't physically able to do anymore. Our relationship has ended in this life and I will not see her again in the flesh, but I still find that some of the things she told me still inspire me today. I sometimes modify my behavior remembering things that were important to her and how she would want me to behave. It helps me to look stronger in my difficulties and helps me to find humor and joy in even the really yucky things.

I am not sure I would still be alive much less still be in college and working without my friends. I know which friends I can count on now due to my current situation and yes, my list has definitely whittled down and has fewer names on it. But those friends have been tested through the fire of my current challenges... and have stayed. I think I can depend on them for anything. While there are only five of them (and they know who they are :) A few of them will give me honest feedback and I can share everything- I will say that while I know I can share, I find it difficult to do so. It's truly a flaw in me and not my close friends. One of my close friends has been close to me for six years or maybe a little more. Some of the qualities that I think I bring to that relationship are compassion and love, energy, a blending of strengths and weaknesses and personalities that really seem to crave each other. I am a lousy cook and she is not and loves to cook. I love to weed... and she doesn't really find that really enjoyable. We can discuss the really hurtful things in our lives and know that neither of us will be rejected no matter what. She is safe in so many ways and has made my life more full and joyful. I can think of a friendship with someone else that did not work out for me and has in fact changed my whole life. I can think of a few things that I would have done differently. I do not think I was tolerant or understanding in the way I needed to be. I think that I needed to understand that she just couldn't trust anyone and so I shouldn't have felt so threatened. I should have believed in myself more and understood. I also should have helped to keep rigid boundaries so that the friendship could continue to thrive. That said, I learned a lot and it appears that no matter what I gave that relationship, my friendship was easily thrown away... so I don't think that it was a good friendship no matter what I did or did not do. But it was a lesson learned and I learned it in a big way. :)

I have never had or thought about having a personal support group. I will say that I think I need to contemplate it. It sounds like a great idea in my current situation. My son had a support group at one point and I will admit that it didn't really work... but I am not sure that was the group's fault. If I had a support group, I would run it in many of the same ways. I would have five members and I would have us set goals for myself over the next few years. We would meet and work together to help me move forward through my current trials. I would like to potentially add a few members that do not think exactly like me so they could have a different perspective on my situation. I have so much going on in my life right now- it would be nice to have others to clap me on the shoulder and help me with confidence and with making priorities. Being surrounded by people who genuinely want me to succeed and were willing to help me work towards it would be quite a gift.

I am currently actually working on building a professional support network in the job that I just managed to land/get hired. I am now working on developing relationships with other postal employees so that I can call when I have questions and hopefully increase the amount of hours that I can get. I have been driving to close post offices to introduce myself and I have been working hard to show my flexibility and to develop relationships that are positive with my co-workers. The relationships are not close, but I am hoping that they will become a good network that I can receive help from, but I can also provide help for. I would include the few employees in my post office but also a few employees for the other close post offices. I am also a BLS instructor and I have been trying to figure out how to develop a network that can make that job more stable and consistent for me. Figuring out how to network this job is really hard as it really is a lot like self employment. I need to sell myself against other people in the same job with very little work available in my area. What I have been doing is making fliers and hanging them up and faxing the fliers to a list of businesses that I have slowly accumulated numbers for and sometimes that is helpful and people call me and I get work. I would love to get a networking group together where we could work together to help each other get business. I will admit that I am not sure how to do that- I have been working alone for quite a while. But I think this is a good idea... and I think I need to try it! I would need someone from my training center as they could help me find clients, someone who works in the school system and maybe even someone who works for licensing for the state. Seems like a tall order but I do think it is doable...

I am not really sure about the idea of a board of directors for my personal life. Would it make my life less chaotic and crazy? : D Anyway, I guess I do not really understand the question because I am not really sure that I understand how a board of directors is really a lot different from a support group. Is it basically that a board of directors has more authority to get things done. So if I thought something was good and the rest of the group didn't... they could overrule me whereas a support group can give advice but I can totally ignore it...? It that was the case, I think there would be many positive and negative experiences with a board of directors. If I was too focused on something and couldn't see the pitfalls, the board members could actually force me to look at other viewpoints which might be good... or bad if they were wrong. Other good points would be the variety of experience and backgrounds that could bring more ideas and diversity to my life. I have closed so many aspects of my life up and having a group of people that could in some ways force me to be more open would be horribly scary... but I might really find that it would be positive for me and my life experience. I think that I would like to have a group that is stronger than a support group, but has a little less power than a board of directors. We could work as a group to help me move forward, but everyone could agree to some work or tasks and would be held accountable to the group... but mistakes or life happens and the accountability would be personal and in the group. I wouldn't want harsh accountability or authority because that might make people feel like they should be more accountable to my group then those other people and trials in their lives. That is why (in my opinion) corporations have a board of directors and the rest of us have support groups. Because corporations out of necessity try and get their employees to give everything to them... and that the employee's personal life is very much second. In a support group, everyone is important and your presence and how you feel and your experiences matter. If you are having personal problems that interfere with your attendance or participation in a support group, people are concerned and will try to help. In my experience, if your personal problems affect your job as a board member, you have very little leeway and you are very likely to lose your job or other negative consequences. The idea of creating a unit with traits of both groups is very attractive and I will take some time to think about it.

Moving in the World with Death...

I had a difficult day yesterday so I went for a walk on the beach when I had an opportunity. Edgar Allen Crow died a few hours after his most recent appointment with Birds Acre and I found out that Terry, Bug's first in home helper just died of cirrhosis of the liver. The last 8-10 months have really had a lot of death filling them. Even though the fox has been unable to steal a chicken, they are old and slowly dying. My friend Sarah Drew passed away on Easter and my grandmother Jocelyn Carlile passed away last Halloween. We have had a goose die, a few pet rodents, and now a raven that we felt so confident of his recovery.



So I went for a walk on the beach to try and allow my mind to focus on the good and allow myself to grieve for the difficulties and emotions that I had filling my brain. One thing seemed very clear while I was slowly walking along the water line – death was there too. Everywhere I looked, I seemed to see a deceased baby crab.



It was so painful to see such a small creature- so tiny and beautiful – lying still with the sun bleaching its shell.



The shells were empty- even the ones that were not broken- which most of them were not broken. It looked as if a hand had just put the crab down and they peacefully died.



Some were in different levels of bleaching- from the very soft fragile and white newly deceased crabs to the hard, crackly and even more fragile orange shells.




While I found myself crying thinking about everything. I found myself feeling so joyful. Death is so temporary. It seems so fearful because we as human beings do not understand it. But looking at these small creatures, I mourned them and my other griefs while feeling the security and certainty knowing that Heavenly Father knows all. Not one of these crabs died without his knowledge. Every one of my griefs and sorrows is known.




Sometimes, life is more certain and beautiful than we realize. Even in death, there is beauty and peace.

Yearning.....

The hole that Sarah Drew has left in my life has not been filled. Sometimes I wonder if it ever will. There are days where her face or voice flits briefly into my head, but before I can feel sad, it is gone. There are days like today where I seem to feel only her absence. It feels almost like I have been surrounded by space all day- a space that is constantly yearning for and missing her. I do not think that I have ever had a friend in my entire life who was so devoted, so caring, and just seemed to like me in every sense of the word. I still have two wonderful, beautiful and perfect friends with me, but in some sense, life has lost its savor since she passed on.

Bug misses her too. Trying to explain why he cannot see Gram Sarah now is hard and I am not sure that I have succeeded. I know I haven't succeeded in explaining how the afterlife -or the birth we call 'death' as one apostle put it- works. Part of that is that on some aspects I am not sure that I understand it myself. My religion is pretty clear about the idea that families that are sealed together in the temple can be together after the death of the family members. But it is a little vague on friends. When I die, will I be met by treasured friends? What about my friends who I feel are (in some ways) closer than family? Sarah is the only grandmother my son has ever known that has given him unconditional love, yet not a drop of her blood flows through his veins. Does the circumstances of her birth and my son's leave him in the hereafter without a family member that has meant so much to him... to me? And on a different note, does the circumstances of my birth leave me stuck with biological family that sometimes find it easier to cause pain in others rather than give love and acceptance?

These are all questions that I think I need to leave for Heavenly Father to answer in his own time. It is so hard to not know the answers right now, however. I think it is a sign of my struggling faith that I want a definitive answer NOW! I want to know that things will happen the way I want them to... clearly I am not interested in even attempting a 'thy will be done' in this situation. I want to know that I will spend time with Sarah again. That we will walk together and sit together and laugh and just enjoy each others company.

I need more faith. I need to remember her for all of her generosities, laughing, loyalty, and love. I need to remember that her love and confidence in me have helped me grow in so many ways. I am a better person for knowing her.

A True Friend - Sarah Drew 1920-2010

Everyone in their lives hopes to find a true friend. Someone to laugh with, cry with, and that they can trust to care for them. A true friend who sometimes puts your feelings before theirs when its important and right and who works to help you in your endeavors… and allows you to help them with their needs.

Finding a friend like that in my life has been difficult (as I assume that it is for so many people.) Now that I am 35, I think that I have found five in my entire life. Two are childhood friends that are now almost acquaintances because we live so far apart and our lives are so crazy…yet I truly believe that one (if not both) of them would come to help me at a moments notice if I really needed it. Heck, some of the people that I know who live within ten minutes would not do the same for my family and I am aware of it. True caring and sacrifice are hard to find. My third gem (Katey) lived near me for a few years, but circumstances in her life have changed for the next few years... and so we live as far apart as possible almost and still claim to be in the same country. Yet she keeps in touch and does everything that she can think of to help me and my family. She is honest and kind and intelligent… so much that I just cannot put into words and really captures her true essence. The fourth mention is a friend that I just lost. Both of us were unable to live up to the ideals that a true friend needs. While a large part of me is sorry and grieves for this friendship still… a small part of me is glad that the friendship cannot ever really be repaired. After all, the betrayal could have gotten much worse and even more painful. I guess it is better to know sooner rather than later. (Am I allowed to wish I had been warned a few years ago…?)

The fifth friend I just lost to death. I cannot pretend that I was not aware that our separation by death was more likely than some friendships as Sarah Barter Drew was over 50 years older than me. We were brought together by a nice trick and her friendship these last seven years has meant the world to me. I feel so many emotions that my grief will probably take a long time to process and to be able to move on with living without feeling constant sorrow for my loss.

I met Sarah through the missionaries. Sarah Drew has a niece who is a member of the LDS church. When Sarah went to visit her niece over seven years ago, her niece took her to the church building with her as she needed to clean the building- the ward she belongs to uses different volunteers every week to keep the church clean and ready to use. Later, Sarah told me that the good feelings and the Spirit that she felt just sitting in the building were so strong and so powerful that she asked to have the missionaries visit her. She lived about four hours away from her niece and so she ended up seeing the missionaries in my area. After a few visits and lessons, Sarah decided to attend church. However, being 83 years old with medical problems, Sarah could not get there herself and due to church rules, the missionaries couldn’t take her to church. Elder Birtenshaw called several members of the ward in our area attempting to get her a ride to church and he was unsuccessful. He prayed and decided that even though I had problems and wasn’t getting the help or support I needed at church, he thought he was supposed to ask me to take her for one Sunday. He called and begged for me to agree to take her for “just that one week, no more” and he would make sure she had a ride next week. So that Sunday, I drove over and met Sarah Drew for the first time. We hit it off almost right away. I felt that I had found a kindred soul and by the time I took her home, I agreed to take her to church any week that I was attending (That was a good thing and a very inspired call by the missionaries because if I did need to find a ride for her when I wasn’t attending church, I was rarely able to find anyone and most often was told it was my responsibility. The elders told me later that they had hoped that the inspiration would ‘convince’ me to do it more then once as they did despair of finding anyone to take her –hence my wording ‘nice trick’.)

The next few years we became closer. She learned more about my family circumstances and was always ready with great advice. She was always ready to give me a hug or just listen to my concerns. When people at church would say rude and slanderous things about me at church in front of her expecting a common ally… they soon discovered to their cost that she was unwilling to hear anything like that without correcting it loudly and bluntly. She always asked over my son Bug and she always remembered him and my family for all holidays. He without fail received valentines, birthday cards, Christmas gifts and even the occasional fresh homemade dinner at her house. She loved to watch Bug tuck himself into her bed and she loved to watch his energy and his joy. She worried over my stress level and her concern over my emotional state and needs. She was a true loyal friend who I could depend on for almost anything. Several times, she bemoaned the fact that she was too old to be able to babysit and help me and my family with things such as babysitting. And she was a wonderful and beautiful grandmother to my son who loved her very, very much.

A few years ago, my husband and I started building a house. I was so excited and was also hopeful that we could get the house completed soon enough to be able to help Sarah. She was living in an apartment, but I knew that she was on borrowed time. Her frailty was becoming more apparent and her eyesight was slowly disappearing… but I guess that it wasn’t meant to be. Our house has slowly struggled or stalled over the last four years. Soon Sarah fell and was hurt enough that she ended up going to a nursing home. Even now, my house is still not finished. Her health continued to deteriorate and in November 2009, she fell and broke her hip. Sarah wasn’t able to recover from that and her death came mercifully on April 5th, 2010.

Sarah is a beautiful and tolerance person who is loyal and loving. She was a hard worker, smart as they come, and a tireless advocate for justice and fair play. She is courageous, determined, and patient. And because of these qualities I didn’t get to see her for the last few weeks of her life. Because I was embarrassed and didn’t want to tell her the family problems that I was having. So instead I avoided her and kept telling myself that she was doing OK. I will always regret that pathetic decision. She was my very best friend, a friend at the time that I was suffering the pain, embarrassment and confusion of losing a different friend. Sarah, I will miss you more than I can ever express and I am sorry for my frailty in your last months. I hope that you will be able to forgive me and I hope to see you again and apologize in person when I too cross the veil. Thank you for everything. Thank you for you!



Here is a link to her obituary - http://fenceviewer.com/site/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=31855:Sarah%20B.%20Drew&catid=969:obituaries&Itemid=142g