"Primary Colors" and the Blurring of Vision

When the book first came out in 1996 by Anonymous, I was really not interested in reading it and I pretty much felt the same way when the movie came out. I had a gut feeling about both the movie and book that is a little convoluted, but came down to three thoughts; I don't really like films that seem solely political or are heavily about politics, I didn't want to watch a 'slam' movie about the Clintons even if I wasn't one of their biggest fans, and I felt like it would just be a waste of time. So I didn't think about it and the world moved on....

So... second week in class and I'm sitting watching another movie I had no interest in except that I had been intrigued by the movie clips shown in my first week of class so I was hopeful that I would learn something and have fun this time... and I did. I was really affected by the film - both emotionally and intellectually. I didn't sleep for several hours afterwards because I really needed to digest the feelings and thoughts it provoked. After much contemplation, I decided to write about the largest emotional paradox that I found when watching and analyzing this film.

This film gave a reporter's viewpoint....or a 'loose' biography about President Bill Clinton's first primary election and some of the challenges he faced: political, personal, and moral. These ideas were portrayed through characters named Jack and Susan Stanton.

Susan - "It's four in the morning- let's just tell the truth"

The underlying emotional theme that I felt throughout the film was how much all of us, and especially me, live in a paradox when we are politically active. To be informed and to try and make informed decisions, a person usually does some research, talks with friends and family, reads or listens to the candidates and their views... and then we hopefully make our choices on the ballot based on what we think is right for us, our neighbors and community, and what our moral and intelligent self believes to be the right choices for all. However, while we do all this, most of us understand that what we are told, read, hear in ads, etc... is not only biased, but sometimes not the least bit true. We know this, instinctively and intellectually... and yet we make our choices based on these 'truths' that we know to be wrong, biased or at least not totally truthful; or factual.

Henry - "I want to believe it."
"I'll take the liar"

So why do we make the choices that we do? Why do we believe any of it... why do we know about the paradox and yet yield and participate in it?

Libby - “...Without them, I'm dark and black and cold and dead and empty and airless for eternity....”

And that pretty much says it all. Inside all of us - we want to believe and we all want to feel a connection to greatness... or what we think is greatness. We want to believe in the person, in what they say, in their promises for better things. As proof of that we rarely elect the moral, truthful person. We understand and expect the phoniness of politics and our politicians. We see the bad, the ugly and we compartmentalize it in our minds and view the thoughts separately if we are still willing to give the person a chance. I'm loath to admit it, but charisma, acting, and good looks with a lot of money still go pretty far in this country...especially in both the professions of acting/theater and politics. In many ways they are bred of the same cloth and that is easily evidenced by some of our politicians - Reagan or Schwarzenegger to name two.

I have believed for many years that real politicians are true 'shape shifters' or maybe benign 'boggarts' (from Harry Potter.) They can make us feel good and right and cared for even as they do things that horrify and sicken us. We accept the worst in them that we wouldn't accept in ourselves or most others. This film brought that home very strongly for me as I found myself disappointed in and disgusted by Jack Stanton... yet rooting for him to win in the end. And I found myself almost crying at the death of Libby realizing that my idealism in politics is just as dead even if I am still breathing. An amazing film on some extraordinary lives.

My Daily Paradoxes

I am really struggling to find a way to say what is in my head and have been for two weeks... so I apologize if I sound confusing or silly. I feel like everything in my life is such a paradox – and I can not pretend that I understand it. I am wondering it maybe trying to write it down will help me understand any of it. I guess I don't know how much of the paradoxes in my life are really there or are really just my perception.... how I see things.

Some are easy to see and in some ways understand. The gospel for instance... very little of the gospel isn't a paradox. We gain life by the Savior's death and through our own. We get when we give. Suffering brings strength and joy, etc.... Those are paradoxes that I have understood for so long... or at least thought that I did... so I do not find them confusing. But I am am surrounded by some really confusing things right now.

I have so much to be grateful for. I am so blessed.... so why do I sometimes feel so keenly what I do not have? Why do look at my blessings and feel so much gratitude for so much and yet sorrow for my loses? Here are some other questions that I am dealing with....

Why do I feel so weak and so unable.... when others tell me that I am so strong? That they wish they had my strength....

Why can I feel so happy and so sad at the same time?

Why does my husband treat me so much better and is so happy to see me... when we will be divorced soon?

There was a time when I would have given anything to have good friends at church and to know that someone really cared. But I never felt really lonely. Now I feel alone even with friends. I want so much to be cared for and noticed... but I cringe at the idea that anyone might notice me... How crazy is that?

I should have more time than I did even a year ago... yet I feel like instead I have even more work and instead of revolving my life around an intact family... I need to revolve my life around the family that has left me but still do all of my new responsibilities. Instead of more freedom, I have less.

These are questions that I am really struggling with right now. I can't find easy answers or ways to understand the paradoxes they create in any way that makes sense. I feel like I almost travel in the world with a continuous mask on as I try to pretend I'm making it and I'm not tired and I don't need help and I'm not sad. And I hate depending on people for some of the things that I have agreed to so that I can keep myself going. I think that's just pride in the sense that I want to be the giver and not the one who needs right now. I don't know... my head doesn't feel much clearer. :)

Well, maybe I should end by mentioning a few things I am sure of. I am sure that Heavenly Father is not only away of my circumstances, but he is dipping his hand into the angry waters of my trials to help keep my head above the waves of my trials. He has provided me with a few people who I can trust and who depend on me and who I feel care about me in ways that I can't totally understand but I am so grateful for. I am so grateful for my new job. Quite a few people seem really happy to work with me and seem disappointed when I change positions and no longer work side by side with them... that feels wonderful! I am grateful for the family members who talked to me and encouraged me to start a blog. Sometimes when I see so many things going wrong and I feel like a failure, I can find it easy to decide that I can't do anything right. But even though I think a blog is supposed to be mostly personal and mine clearly isn't- almost everything I have ever written about have been on something other than myself- there is no doubt in my mind from the blog statistics and comments that I might be darn successful at that! I know that I have a talent with animals that many others do not have and I can not adequately explain the feelings of joy and satisfaction to see a feral, frightened and stunted animal slowly change to become wary... then slightly willing and then totally loving and joyful. (One of my greatest blessings is the past feral puss that I have named Morianna... she has been with me less but gives me as much love and joy as I can handle.) Even the ability to see near one without moving and watch one of the cats just observe me-you can almost sense the disbelief and confusion about me and what I might want... its a great feeling. I am sure that I am loved. And lastly, I am sure that someday I will understand so much more than I do right now. I just need to keep putting one foot in front of the other and doing what's right. So... I'll keep going I think. :)