Some Blessings for Today- 2/13/11

Today is a day of mixed feelings.  I found myself looking forward to this day... and truly dreading its arrival.  Last night I lay awake, tossing and turning, thinking and wondering... just trying to figure out what choices I need to make in my life.  What choices I really have... and how the choices that I could make affect those that I love, those that I no longer call 'friend', and those that wander in the communities that I inhabit.  Today, I go and sit with a few of the most amazing priesthood leaders that I have ever met and discuss my thoughts and my choices. That day is here.

I recognize that I am not the only person who struggles.  I recognize that I am not the only one who struggles with this particular trial... nor have I shed the last of my tears for it.  However, I would be ungrateful if I did not also recognize the fact that I am truly blessed and that I know that I am loved and cared for by many including my Heavenly Father.  And so today, I thought I would take the time to not just say a quick thank you for some things to my Father today.  I thought instead I would articulate why I am so grateful for them and what they mean to me.  I will not articulate all the blessings I think of today- just those that today I truly feel deep gratitude for right now and this moment in time.

1.  I am so grateful for my husband.  He is the most important person in my life.  He taught me what love really is and what loyalty and joy can be.  He has shown me patience and the quiet strength of a friend and partner. I love him and appreciate him for so much, but I especially grateful that I had the courage and the faith to share some personal things with him today... And that he will listen and doesn't seem to judge me harshly.  I am so blessed to be yoked to such a wonderful person!  I hope to remain so.

2.  I wore a skirt to church today.  First, having a good reason to go to church so that I was forced to go was great... Otherwise, I probably wouldn't have.  But I haven't had a dress.  Yes, I have had church clothing in the past, but every dress I have but one now feels tainted and I got rid of them when my son got so upset at my putting on a dress on Sunday- dresses are clearly loaded now.  ; )  An acquaintance of mine was chatting with me a few months ago when I was looking at dresses at the local thrift store and knowing my situation, she wouldn't allow me to buy a dress that day.  She said "wait until you find a dress or a skirt that you look at and like and then buy it- do not make yourself another burden in the shape of your clothing."  I took that advice and I found a skirt a few weeks  later and a few days later a vest that I liked looking at... and actually felt a brief thrill about the idea of wearing them.  So today, I go to church in a skirt.  I look ridiculous- especially with my uncombed hair, my silly toe socks and my 'bitey' rooster... but I am grateful to be at church and in a dress- no matter how ridiculous I look.

3. I was able to put the October conference onto my Blackberry so I was able to spend my 1 1/2 hour drive listening to the first few conference talks and hymns.  I think that they were just what I needed today- especially the talk from Elder Holland.  It is such a blessing to have the technology to listen to conference on a different day and time than when it originally comes out... which is pretty hard for me to see due to my lack of technology- ironic that!  :) I think that my brain was ready for church when I got there and I felt less trepidation and more anticipation for the wonder ahead of me.

4. When I was growing up, I was surrounded by some pretty bad examples of the priesthood and what the word 'priesthood' actually meant and entailed.  It can truly color a girls outlook on the priesthood to see guys who are out having sex serving the sacrament the next day... and having your mother tell you how much better than you they are. When I moved to the 4th ward out west, I got a better idea.  But then I moved to Maine and the idea became very confused and muddled again. Some men used the priesthood authority to try and bend people to their will. A family who had been unemployed for eighteen months was able to finally get a job- which he held for two months until he was given a choice of the job or the temple recommend (and no the job was not inappropriate). I watched people being treated badly- including myself- due to false doctrine, prejudice and fear. I watched women use priesthood holders to accomplish things they couldn't do alone... and so when I stopped attending church in late 2009, my thoughts on the priesthood were confusing to be sure.

And then my stake presidency stepped in. I think that I have finally seen what the priesthood should be and what priesthood power really is... and I am so grateful for the love and caring that I have in the priesthood- I am not sure that I have ever felt it before so strong and in such a positive way before. I should thank Heavenly Father every day for the men in my stake presidency, but I do not. I want to truly express how grateful I am for them right now. I think that my head and my life would be in a much less positive place without them.

5. I came home tired and exhausted and I managed to get a nap which I have needed for days. The idea that I could take a nap- I could just decide that I could and do it is a new one for me.... and I am very grateful that my life has a little bit of flexibility that I can do a few small things for me now. It is really nice and I will never take some things for granted again- or at least not for several years from now! :)

6. I am so grateful for my close friends who are really supporting me in so many ways right now. I think in some ways, a few of them have saved my life. :) And my son is always in my thoughts and keeps me motivated to keep trying. My life is better because I know them... and what else can a person truly want in life?

I hope that all of you have had a blessed day and are ready for the week ahead. Do you have some blessings that you would like to share?

Overheard in Sacrament Meeting - 12/12/10

So this last Sunday I got to attend church in Washington state- Renton to be sort of precise. It was an awesome service... although I will admit that it was just awesome to be able to go to church! This last week, the topic was on the sacrament. And I learned a few things that I thought were neat as well as heard things that I knew...but it was nice to hear them again. Here are some highlights:

1. The sacrament is a reminder of a covenant that we make with the Lord.
2. Brigham Young was the first prophet to set it up so that 'children born under the covenant, but had not yet made the covenant' could take the sacrament.
3. The sacrament is a sign of the true love that Jesus has for all of us.
4. The sacrament is also a 'giving' ordinance, particularly for sinners... of which we all are. :)
5. Everything that is said, sung or performed in the sacrament meeting should contribute to the grandeur of this sacred service.
6. The scriptures say that we should think about the body. Why? It was given to each of us as a sacrifice. It was shown to us after his body was a perfected, glorified body still maintaining the scars from the crucifixion.
7. Sacrament and the ritual of sacrament are the most important reason to attend church- it is truly the main reason for attendance.
8. The words sacrament and sacrifice share the same root 'sacra' which means holy.

Taking the sacrament from as young as I can remember has always felt like a 'right' and it felt funny to realize that children were told at one time not to take the sacrament. I love the idea that Brigham Young (if he did- I am not sure why he changed the rule) realized or decided to use human habit to teach children. If, as a child, I was told that I couldn't take the sacrament and saw an adult who couldn't take it because they were 'bad', I think I might have decided that I was a bad child and that was why I couldn't take it. I also think that if might have taken at least a decade for me to figure out that particular idea was wrong... as I probably wouldn't have asked people at church, definitely wouldn't have asked my parents and assumed that was common knowledge and doctrine. (I do wonder how much stuff people commonly believe AND believe is common belief and/or correct doctrine that is more correctly labeled as false doctrine... a question I will never be able to answer in this life I am sure.)

The idea of teaching the meaning and ritual of the sacrament in small steps- first the habit of partaking of the sacrament, then teaching the knowledge of what is and what it means, and then the wish and genuine want of the blessings that come from being worthy for partaking of the sacrament and the ritual of 'renewal' every week. Taking a special time every week to remember what the meaning of the sacrament is and wondering how much suffering that Jesus Christ suffered specifically for me and attempt in take a special moment for repentance that is separate from daily prayer feels really appropriate and important. Nothing feels so humbling than imagining the suffering he had for me... and me alone.

In my mind, sacrament is the one action that we can do that makes us the most holy. We are forced to remove ourselves from our home and go join with other believers. To participate in a ritual that is older than ourselves... and is more than ourselves. A time of introspection and thankfulness. I really enjoyed this meeting.

Trials and Temptation

(David Lynn)

“Didn't He say he sent us to be tested? Didn't He say the way would not be sure? But didn't He say we could live with Him forevermore, well and whole if we but patiently endure? After the trial we will be blessed, but this life is the test” - The Test by Janice Kapp Perry

The last two months, I have felt tested beyond anything I have ever dealt with in my life. Scarily enough I am finding this harder to deal with than my turbulent adolescence in my parent's home... although I think that is because I didn't expect to be so threatened in my life ever again. However, it has happened and I am unsure what to do. In some ways, I think I feel almost bipolar- my moods change constantly depending on my thoughts which are headed in almost any direction as I try to cope. And trying to deal with the outside forces bombarding my mood and emotions has been almost impossible. In the past when I have needed to try and cope with severe problems, I have been reminded of a Bible verse:

1 Corinthians 10:13 - There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it.

The first time I heard someone describe this Bible verse was in Sunday school and it was misquoted. Many people have shortened this verse to mean that “Heavenly Father will never give you more than you can handle”. Just my opinion, but that is absolute bunk. First of all this verse uses the words “you will not be tempted”. Second, God does not 'give' us the problems that we face- most of those problems come from ourselves as consequences or from other people and their free agency. I know that it can be comforting to smile through our tears and repeat over and over that we can handle it, but it is just false doctrine. The other (and main) reason I think that this statement is bunk is that it tends to be used by others to justify their good fortune- “I am good and that is why I have money... she is bad and that is why she is having problems with money, children, etc...”) By using this justification, it allows people to divide others into 'us' and 'them' and permits them to justify allowing suffering and allows them to feel comfortable either not helping and/or judging.

I can not accept that. I can not accept that some people are poor because they are bad. I can not accept the idea that rich individuals are closer to perfection – not to beat a point into the dust but.... Tiger Woods anyone? And so I find myself frustrated with this platitude and others that seem to mostly justify not doing anything about bad things. I take the scripture verse at face value- Heavenly Father will not allow us to be tempted past our endurance. Trials, however, are different from temptations no matter how you splice it.

I believe that temptations are personal- it may hurt or cause consequences for others, but your sins are your own. Isn't that listed in Article of Faith number 1? Trials, however, are meant to be faced with others. We are on earth so that we can be tested but also to make the test easier for us around us. If we allow ourselves to become so insulated and arrogant that we do not help each other... well, what is left to enjoy in life. If we only help those we love... a lot of people will be left out to struggle alone which is not what our Father intended. We can not allow ourselves to be so self involved that we do not ask ourselves a question – “Is Heavenly Father hoping to use me to ease this burden?”

We can not make it alone- only be helping each other can we hope to make it!