Habit Energy

If you are anything like me and have anxiety, sometimes I find myself doing things over and over for the comfort and the release from the anxiety that follows me everywhere. I clean, spend time on the treadmill, clean some more, homework, then clean some more... you can probably sense the pattern fairly quickly. I find the most relief when I am cleaning, on the treadmill or sleeping... and that's about it. Weekends are spent working on schoolwork or teaching classes and so I am sitting continuing to work on book analysis, lesson plans, and climate change discussions...... and I came upon this quote.

Trying to change our habits is hard...
Pick one thing to start...
Then do one more thing.

I have read this quote a few times in the last few weeks and I always find myself pondering it and really thinking about how I can apply in in my life. I have been trying to make small financial changes as well as conservation changes for the earth as well, but I would like to take this advice to try and change some of my personal compulsions.

When you read this quote, what comes immediately to your mind? What would you like to change? Where would you start?

2015 Poetry Corner # 1 - ' A Winter Morning'

Softness, comfort, surrounded by warmth
cocooned in the dark and the quilts
content purring fills the air
soft fur splayed across my cheek

Outside is cold; oh, bitterly so!
But inside, all is cozy and adoring
the blessings of a winter night at home
a warm bed, a peaceful heart... :)

The Balance Gap

There is no way to really put this except for just being blunt. I have managed to over the last few weeks to lose the balance that I had managed to attain in my life and schedule. (I guess that’s not too bad for a New Year’s resolution is it… ;) So I found myself last night so exhausted and looking over my rapidly growing list of ‘need to do’ as well as adding work and CPR classes around my full time job … well, even that sentence seems to point out the lack of unplanned time. No wonder I am falling behind on so many things! I was reminded that I had lost my balance a few weeks ago, but I have found it challenging to try and change the pattern quickly. Trying to work on rebuilding my nest egg as well as continuing to pay down bills and of course pay the daily expenses has been a bit draining. I am also getting ready to buy a plane ticket to Utah to see my grandfather and they do not tend to be cheap either- although seeing Grandpa Carlile is priceless and well worth the money! So I have managed to lose my balance again as I have let everything creep up on me.

The good thing is that I am starting to actually recognize the problem and so my body is less likely to break down and collapse for long periods of time. As I have come to start and recognize the symptoms and how my body tends to react I have found myself developing coping mechanism and I have managed over the last few years to be willing to give myself permission to just rest… no matter how big the list is of things that need to be completed. I feel a little lazy when I do it, but I have found that I am able to use the rest of the time more productively and I appear to be able to feel healthier for longer periods of time. As finding an even path in my life is challenging and has always been so, the fact that I have clearly worked hard enough to make some serious inroads into my impulsiveness and ‘overdoing’ is wonderful. I’m clearly not perfect, but…… I’m still trying!

What are some of the things that you do to keep your life on a fairly predictable even keel? To help keep your focus and needs in the forefront of your actions? Did they come naturally to you or are they skills you have developed over your lifetime?

Hunkering Down

This winter has already been a bit of a challenge to everyone in this area- more snow in three weeks than usual for December with some days reaching -15 degrees of chill... not counting the wind. The ice storm a few weeks back was stunningly pretty, but horrendously destructive as the weight of its icy beauty pulled trees into trees into deep waist-ed bows until they collapsed under their weight , acknowledging their submission to the elements and powers around them. I watched bushes literally collapse in upon themselves- imploding into their cores like a black hole had developed at their roots and was pulling them quickly and inexorably into the nothingness. I lay awake one night gazing blankly at the ceiling and just listening to the creaks, groans, whistling and popping of the many pieces of topiary and the woods in general as they fought and struggled not only for their limbs, but for their very lives. It felt a little bit like the end of the world... the sensation of the earth and all life starting to collapse and die into extinction. It was hard not to feel sad at the death and destruction that I can see from every window of my house and on my walks into the woods. It looked like a war had been fought... and that mother nature had lost, brought figuratively to her knees in surrender. Only one thing spoke of positive things: the small inlet in the woods under some trees with the clear prints and indents of at least five deer who have rested out the storm and then left, alive and ready to look for food.

The one drawback to moving into my awesome cabin at the very beginning of winter is that I had no time to locate and fix any areas or fissures in the walls, windows or doors that might need to be repaired. Most of the time I haven't really noticed – the stove keeps the place warm and cozy and I find myself quite comfortable. I have found that while the insulation is good, the windows are very thin and two of them have broken frames and so in small places, a steady stream of air flows in from the exterior. The wind and snow come in on three sides and I can't feel the cool draft in through the plugs in the wall as well. So when the weather is in negative numbers, it has actually been more of a struggle to keep the place well heated. I will say that even with this difficulty I smile – I just love living here and I feel like I have finally found my refuge... a place to regain my health and to allow the wounds of the last few years to heal. I have slowly been filling in some of the cracks and covering the openings in the windows with tape and down blankets to hold it all tightly together until better weather. That has helped a lot and has even provided more evening entertainment as some of the cats find it less challenging to run up the walls now. :)

So, we are all hunkered down and ready for three more months of snow and ice and wind. And as I drive slowly to work three days a week I look at the houses and neighborhoods as I slide past. The buildings seemed closed off too... covered with snow and ice... hunched or and oppressed, waiting for the warmth to return. How are things in your neck of the woods? Are you and your neighbors warm and comfortable? How is the winter affecting you and your plans? If you survived the ice storm, who did it affect the trees and wildlife around your home? I am very curious!

A Little Bit on the New Place

So, I have finished moving into my new place! I am really excited about it for so many reasons and even though I still have some unpacking and arranging to do, I feel more comfortable than I have in a long time. It doesn't look like much- it's just a small cabin, yet its so much some comfortable and I feel more free than I did in my two bedroom apartment. It's funny how having less makes some things harder, but many important things easier.

I love having land to hang out on again. I have already started imagining and planning for a small garden in the spring and I am wondering if maybe having ducks would be a possibility again- not wondering too much because I will be working so much so I wouldn't be able to enjoy them or keep them safe. I have already tried to enjoy some time sitting outside looking at the stars – feels too cold to do for long right now- but I am looking forward to it in the spring evenings. I love having wood heat again... its a more comfortable heat and while I am still getting used to the rhythm of starting and keeping the stove lit and fired up again, its wonderful. It is so much more comforting and feels more right than a thermostat does. I have to pay attention to the weather, to how I feel, to the air around me... and as such I think I get a better appreciation of it.

I love the huge amount of windows- boy the cats do as well. When I am working outside, I will see them sitting on the sills enjoying the rays of sun that come through the pains. I love that it is within the living boundaries of the church I need to attend and so I no longer have to worry about difficulties there. I love the rustic look of the place itself and even some of the problems- I find myself thinking of ways to fix or modify them. I love the size of it and how it is pretty darn cozy. How many people live in places that they really feel are great places to live for all parts of them. I suspect that not many people do as otherwise, home décor wouldn't be such a popular thing as we try to turn our homes into things that we like to look at and let others look at instead of enjoying the place for the environment it provides. (I recognize that I have over simplified that idea.) It feels like a place to be happy and to grow in.

So here is a picture. Like I said, not fancy... but perfect all the same. :)

Brain Junk....

I feel like my brain has the tendency to scatter very easily these days like a jar of beans dropped to the floor. I have so much in my head and trying top work around it can be difficult to say the least. I find myself in the present moment remembering things that must be done as well as trying to accomplish what I am actually doing as well as trying to keep my mind open for inspiration and revelation. It sometimes feels like figuring out the way to accomplish all three of these tasks is going to literally turn my brain to mush as I feel the chaos in head doesn't make much sense. My brain flits from one thought to another -many of which do not appear to have any relation to each other- as work on the present situation becomes more difficult. I find in all this chaos, my brain conjures up phrases from songs that either bring my some comfort or pain, inspiration or confusion. And parts of my dreams are constantly coming back to haunt my daylight. It is a strange place to be in... and almost reminds me of an Ann Rand novel- which God bless me always confused me as well.

So I wake up in the morning and feel the dream start to ebb into my subconscious (at least the conversations from the dreams start to and then the different 'beans' of thought start to fall...and if I am lucky they wait until after my prayer so it is possible finish a coherent prayer.

... Father, I'm not sure I can do today and I'm not sure I want to. Help!... I really need to catch up on my paper... 'I don't always sleep at night just waiting for the light to come and find me'...I wonder how Bug is doing? I wish I didn't feel so yucky and I felt like eating.... 'Don't be afraid, oh my love... I'll be watching you from above'....Oh, crud- nutrition class is due today and I haven't started it yet. And I forgot Bug's book- need to order that...... 'Don't be sad for me- everything is how it had to be.'...Stop it. You're shaking like a leaf. That's crazy. What are you so afraid of?... That's funny that she still has the same haircut. I wonder why.... 'Every new beginning comes from some other beginnings end' ...I made it. Thank God I wasn't sure I would. Why are you twisting that? They will think you are nervous. Stop it!... 'In the breath of a wind and sigh... there is no need to cry.'... Why am I so scared...it's just church.... 'Don't be afraid'... This is nice. I wonder what Brock is doing now... What does this mean?... 'You ask me for an answer and I'm so tired of up in the air up in the air'... I wish I didn't feel this guilt...and I'm not even sure what I am feeling the guilt for... 'Closing time- you don't have to go home but you can't stay here'... 'Counting up to twenty has been difficult for some, but as we learn to count to twenty, it should be easy to get to twenty one.'... Hey, I blogged about this song- it really is a nice song. I should think about looking at some more of her work... 'Sometimes I wish I had no pride; I'd go off and sell my soul'.... That's a neat scripture... maybe I should stop reading in order and just flip around for a few days. Amy picked a good one- hey, I have it marked... That's nice... 'I'm not crazy or anything'... I have so much to do when I get home... I wonder what I should do first. Peter I or nutrition?... 'Walking beside the guilty and the innocent, how will you raise your hand when they call your name'... Who should I make cards for? I don't like itchy ears... Do you want to look at these?... 'The church has need of helping hands and hearts that know and feel'... That letter was odd... I wonder what she was trying to achieve by sending it.... A few minutes and it should be done... Gosh, I am tired... 'Every second of the night I live another life' Why do I start crying over everything? It's so silly and not very attractive... The skirt is nice though... How can I laugh and cry at the same time- that is daft... 'Looking for special things inside of me'... Did I remember the stamps?... I wonder how Al is doing? Gosh it must be miserable to be sick for so long... Thank goodness I haven't been sick for a bit... I wish I didn't keep thinking that!.... 'Believe that the sun will rise tomorrow and that your saints and sinners bleed' How can I help? I wonder if she will be offended if I hug her... maybe I should just get some scissors and wack it off. That would be cheaper....
'When you smile be sure to smile wide and don't let them know that they have won'... I would love to goof with Achilles... do groomers groom cats? I should could use a nap.

And that is just a taster. If nothing else, my brain is full... and not with anything useful. And finding a way to control my worry is tough. I have started using a list to write down the things I remember that need doing and no longer do homework within one hour of bed. I try to read something simple and have gotten in the habit of falling asleep listening to Winnie the Pooh stories on my phone... which is helpful. I am looking for more techniques to try and calm the incessant chatter in my head... and hopefully I can calm this brain mess down to a dull roar soon. It would be nice to be able to think clearly again! :)

2010 Poetry Corner #4 - "Confusion Unfurled"

Here I am

lying in bed with my son
dog at my feet
cat near my head
eyes closed
listening...

…. to my stomach growl
…. to my heart break
…. to the still small voice of comfort
…. to the sound of my tears
…. for the inspiration I seek

I am confused
I need peace

May peace come on light feet to my soul