Grief

Someone once told me that grief hurts so much because it is love that has nowhere to go. The love you have that you want to share is trapped inside you and escapes through your tears and the shaking that those tears create in the rest of your body. Most days I am doing well. I have so many wonderful things happening and I have so much to point to with gratitude and joy. But some days, I find it harder to focus on the good things. I found myself sitting with Bug today watching different pieces of the Harry Potter films and thinking about my grandparents. I thought of my grandmother laughing, serving turkey and gravy to everyone with a dishtowel tucked into her apron. I thought of the look she would get when she would look at me- like I was an amazing treasure in her eyes. I thought of my grandfather and how just a few months ago, I was able to sit next to his hospital bed and hold his hand. I could feel the warmth and strength in it... and also the fragility. When I left to return to Maine I cried, because I was worried it was the last time I would see him alive... and it was.

I have spent much of this evening thinking of both of my grandparents who I didn't get to spend enough of my time with and lost so much time with them that I dearly wish I could have now. So sometimes, I find myself sitting quietly in the dark with the tears running so quickly down my face that everything is a blur and my glasses are too coated to afford vision. And while I sit and pray and feel desperately alone in my grief, I hear the small soft sounds of cat paws. And within a few minutes I am no longer alone. I have Mina glued to my side like coconut oil and Minion's comforting weight upon my lap. I listen to Roccu sitting on the top of the couch behind me, purring fit to burst. And for that moment, the darkness seems to ease and I no longer feel alone. No, I didn't have enough time with my grandparents and I regret that very much. But I am also grateful because I was given more time with them than I might have gotten. Grief is a process and I know I will work through it, but for tonight it holds me in its grip and I will embrace it until I am able to feel the peace enter my heart again. I know I will see them both again someday, but for now that feels like 'some day' too long.

Nothing worth having comes without some kind of fight... Got to kick at the darkness 'til it bleeds daylight - Barenaked Ladies

bell hooks: Links and Thoughts on "Cultural Criticism and Transformation"

I just spent some time watching some a discussion and critique by bell hooks on American media and society. I found it difficult to watch... didn't necessarily agree with everything, but here are some of my thoughts. The links for the full talk are here, here, and here.

My first thought was that this author is the first person I have heard in years who uses the word agency outside of my church /religious faith. Every Sabbath I attend church I will hear at least one mention of the word agency in discussions on choices, consequences, the Plan of Salvation, and even gossip of mild judgment directed towards another member.   So I have gotten very used to hearing that particular word in a very specific setting with very specific meanings.  When I try to have discussions with people about helping individuals with problems such as drug abuse, debt, or homelessness, the conversation is always quickly steered into finger pointing and firm testimonies that these 'people' have made bad choices, could have made different ones and should now 'reap what they have sown'. I have never felt like I have had the words and language to really explain how I feel differently - that I believe you can only make choices that you recognize as true choices and if you do not see the choice.... how can you choose it? (I have no idea if that last sentence made a lot of sense.)  bell hooks gave me the wording that I have been looking for in this quote:

"Entitlement... a sense of agency is profoundly different [and] open to embracing ... an imagination into the future." 

I have spent a bit of time pondering these thoughts and watched this particular section a few times to make sure I internalized it.  I look back at my life and see the choices that I made to focus on marriage and family and not become a marine biologist or veterinarian and I see how while I had choices... I really didn't see the choices that I had.  So at 41 years old I am attending college and I am thrilled to be doing so yet am pretty much behind the bell curve age wise.  It's great to be able to open up and see what other choices there are out there that really are choices that I can make.  It really is freeing and I do feel like I have more imagination for my future and what I can make of it.  :)

Another thing that stuck out to me through her discussion was that Darth Vader was given a 'black voice'. (I am not convinced this was a racist decision, but I digress...) I haven't seen any of the Stars Wars movies since I was a teenager, but I think I recall that when Darth Vader was unmasked at the end of one film by his son Luke Skywalker, he was pale, white... sort of bloated looking.  It's interesting that James Earl Jones did the voice (I think that was the voice I recognized from the clips, but when the character was unmasked he wasn't actually black at all.  Am I remembering that right?  Any fans out there?  As I was thinking about this I thought about J.K. Rowlings and the Harry Potter books and how in reading most books, the general rule of thumb is that the character is white until proven otherwise.  Some Harry Potter fan sites have drawings and portraits of some of the characters where Hermione is brown or black and other characters look differently that they are portrayed in the movies and possibly in our minds.  I wonder about how it feels to read books where most of the characters are not necessarily like you... I think I just discovered anew another form of white privilege... as almost all characters I read about are made in my image. To have the 'proactive sense' of agency that Ms. Hooks talks about seems to mean more than critical thinking in my mind... more than an understanding of responsibility...  it requires true focus and vigilance about all thoughts imagined, all behavior committed, recognizing where you receive favor and where others do not.  I cannot imagine a more difficult task and one that will certainly take a lifetime to even delve past the surface of for most of us.... especially me.


Intersectional analysis is such a valuable and important way to look at information because it gives the researcher or interested party a better understanding of the causes, needs, choices, and motives of those being studied.  While simple, looking at pieces of information in small bits doesn't really give us a true and clear image. A white male moves in his space and makes decisions based not only on color and privilege, but background, environment, family, education, needs and desires, etc...  A female will do the same...  We can not truly separate ourselves from the disparate parts of ourselves that, inadvertently or wonderfully, help us to determine our choices and our life paths.  No matter how much education I get, no matter how well liked I am, I will still find limits to what I can accomplish due to experience biases, gender, environment, etc...  A woman of my age with all similar information who happens to be black has even more limits to struggle against.  To truly understand and try and change a cultural and social problem, if must be truly examined.  For instance, the text mentions how people of different genders and races are more likely to be paid according to these factors and not necessarily on education, experience, etc...  So making a change to standard pay for specific jobs will not really solve the problem even if it appears to temporarily.  Only by understanding the other aspects behind unequal pay and working to change them as well gives us a real shot at true cultural change.  Understanding how historical patterns of oppression still live on in our culture today helps us to look at ourselves, our friends and our communities and that steps towards making our communities more equitable are possible for us.  If we cannot recognize how race, gender, sex, etc... create our relationships with ourselves, our families and our communities... we will find ourselves struggling to truly understand what hinders us.  Like the seven blind monks who are touching an elephant and believe that each have something different at hand than the others, the elephant can remain hidden... even when in plain sight.

photos from: http://www.nndb.com/people/593/000115248/, https://www.pinterest.com/lilyt888999/harry-%2B-ron-%2B-hermione/, http://www.jainworld.com/literature/story25.htm

Sexual Assault and Rape : The Differences Between Perception and Culture

I was challenged to look at both the ideas of rape and sexual assault and what the differences between these two horrible acts might be. At the time, I felt like there can be many differences that would also depend on the environment and mentality of the perpetrator. So here are my thoughts on the issue after my research this week.

Sexual assault can be generally defined as unwanted or inappropriate contact towards anther person that is seen or regarded as sexual in nature. Rape is a form of sexual assault in which a person forcibly or without permission penetrates the victim's body with anything; whether its parts of their body, other objects whether small or large, etc.... and it is still considered rape if the penetration is without consent to any opening of the body...even those that are not necessarily considered sexual orifices. So a person can be sexually assaulted, but not raped in some cases (physically, that is)... but a person who has been raped has also been sexually assaulted. With few exceptions, sexual assault and rape are usually crimes against women and tend to be based on power and dominance instead of love or perceived sexual needs. These behaviors are acts of violence, not acts of equality or caring. While these definitions are easy to understand, they do not also tend to convey the emotional or mental violence that is also inflicted when the physical crime is perpetrated. For many, just the act of reporting the crime or talking about it causes them to feel the 'act' again even though they are safe in the present time. Other challenges that come with the sexual assault/ rape for the victim is dealing with the emotions from the perpetrator that are expressed.

When thought about in these terms and also understanding the general patriarchy of most societies in the world, we can easily see how sexual assault and rape can be used not only to hurt one person but as weapon to cause harm to many people and even a community or society at large. In war, the raping of women is an act that not only causes harm to the victim, but is also an act of revenge and defiance against her husband, her 'protector, her community... and even of her culture and race. While there is much disagreement and debate about Thomas Jefferson and Sally Hemings, his black slave / mistress and whether she could or could not consent in their sexual relationship, few will argue that Mr. Jefferson was in a position of power over her and her family which could limit how much she really was able to consent to their relationship. And few would be willing to disagree with the idea that Mrs. Hemings was picked because she was black and the relationship most likely wouldn't have happened at all if she had been a purely white female. Other ways that rape is used against a culture/race is to attempt to change it genetically- if many of the men are killed and the women are raped or forced into longer term relationships with their assailants, the children born of such unions are usually

considered members of the dominant group and not part of the culture of the child's mother. It is easy to see looking at the past history of many groups of people how this tactic has been successfully used to not only change, but also decimate communities and cultures. (And on an amusing and side note.... isn't it interesting about the use of pure-blood and mud-blood in the Harry Potter books to denote positive or negative connotations... and these were on consensual births! Something to think about in relation to how each of us looks at those of mixed race heritage or bi-racial couples. :) Finally, one of the best ways to defeat your enemy isn't just to kill them, but to truly win you must also demoralize them and mentally defeat them.... to convince them that they are worthless or have lost something that can not be reattained. And that is what makes rape so effective a weapon in so many instances.

There is another way to look at sexual assault and rape and that is through the lens of the culture, society and the people living in it. The definitions I have given for the most part belong to the culture I live in: a first world country. There are some ways these definitions change when we look at the way other societies perceive women as well as girls and even marriage. In some cultures, girls are married at very young ages and that is not only culturally acceptable but encouraged and facilitated by the child's parents. In this country, we have made it very challenging for any female under eighteen to get married – even if they want to! In some areas of the world, girls are married between the ages of 10-12 on average... and sometimes as young as eight! These girls have not chosen this marriage and it is usually facilitated by the girls parents to a man at usually at least a decade older than the young girl. (In September, an article came out about the death of an eight year old girl named Rawan who had died due to internal bleeding caused by the consummation of her marriage to her much older husband. This marriage took place in Yemen). To myself and I suspect for many people I know, this act would be considered rape- whether the young lady had died or not. In this culture, the relationship was acceptable and not considered rape... or could be described as 'tolerable rape' (a rape that is culturally acceptable and sanctioned.) In my culture sitting alone with a man on a park bench is acceptable and even encouraged to get to know each other... in others, that can be considered sexual compromising and the young lady is 'ruined'. It really does have a lot to do with the society in which you live.

What are your thoughts on any of the issues that I brought up in this post? Do you have differing views on how culture defines sexual assault?

"Primary Colors" and the Blurring of Vision

When the book first came out in 1996 by Anonymous, I was really not interested in reading it and I pretty much felt the same way when the movie came out. I had a gut feeling about both the movie and book that is a little convoluted, but came down to three thoughts; I don't really like films that seem solely political or are heavily about politics, I didn't want to watch a 'slam' movie about the Clintons even if I wasn't one of their biggest fans, and I felt like it would just be a waste of time. So I didn't think about it and the world moved on....

So... second week in class and I'm sitting watching another movie I had no interest in except that I had been intrigued by the movie clips shown in my first week of class so I was hopeful that I would learn something and have fun this time... and I did. I was really affected by the film - both emotionally and intellectually. I didn't sleep for several hours afterwards because I really needed to digest the feelings and thoughts it provoked. After much contemplation, I decided to write about the largest emotional paradox that I found when watching and analyzing this film.

This film gave a reporter's viewpoint....or a 'loose' biography about President Bill Clinton's first primary election and some of the challenges he faced: political, personal, and moral. These ideas were portrayed through characters named Jack and Susan Stanton.

Susan - "It's four in the morning- let's just tell the truth"

The underlying emotional theme that I felt throughout the film was how much all of us, and especially me, live in a paradox when we are politically active. To be informed and to try and make informed decisions, a person usually does some research, talks with friends and family, reads or listens to the candidates and their views... and then we hopefully make our choices on the ballot based on what we think is right for us, our neighbors and community, and what our moral and intelligent self believes to be the right choices for all. However, while we do all this, most of us understand that what we are told, read, hear in ads, etc... is not only biased, but sometimes not the least bit true. We know this, instinctively and intellectually... and yet we make our choices based on these 'truths' that we know to be wrong, biased or at least not totally truthful; or factual.

Henry - "I want to believe it."
"I'll take the liar"

So why do we make the choices that we do? Why do we believe any of it... why do we know about the paradox and yet yield and participate in it?

Libby - “...Without them, I'm dark and black and cold and dead and empty and airless for eternity....”

And that pretty much says it all. Inside all of us - we want to believe and we all want to feel a connection to greatness... or what we think is greatness. We want to believe in the person, in what they say, in their promises for better things. As proof of that we rarely elect the moral, truthful person. We understand and expect the phoniness of politics and our politicians. We see the bad, the ugly and we compartmentalize it in our minds and view the thoughts separately if we are still willing to give the person a chance. I'm loath to admit it, but charisma, acting, and good looks with a lot of money still go pretty far in this country...especially in both the professions of acting/theater and politics. In many ways they are bred of the same cloth and that is easily evidenced by some of our politicians - Reagan or Schwarzenegger to name two.

I have believed for many years that real politicians are true 'shape shifters' or maybe benign 'boggarts' (from Harry Potter.) They can make us feel good and right and cared for even as they do things that horrify and sicken us. We accept the worst in them that we wouldn't accept in ourselves or most others. This film brought that home very strongly for me as I found myself disappointed in and disgusted by Jack Stanton... yet rooting for him to win in the end. And I found myself almost crying at the death of Libby realizing that my idealism in politics is just as dead even if I am still breathing. An amazing film on some extraordinary lives.

What Does Your Scripture Case Say About You?

For those of you who are highly religious, the idea of a scripture case may not be a new thing for you. Especially for members of the Mormon church who tend to carry and utilize often a set of four books; The Holy Bible- King James version, Book of Mormon, Doctrine and Covenants and the smallest... the Pearl of Great Price. When you have a few books to carry around, it doesn't take too long before you look for or buy something to carry them in and many people – myself included- carry them in a case specifically made for this purpose. These cases come in a variety of sizes, colors, and sometimes come with pockets, other accessories, etc... As every individual is unique, cases come with a variety of looks as they are decorated, sewn, or even embroidered as designed by the specific individual. And as I was sitting in church last Sunday, I was looking at the contents of my scripture case and marveling at the amount of stuff in it besides my scriptures. After taking some time to carefully go through the case, I thought and tried to discover what someone might think about me if they didn't know me... and only had my scripture case to look at for clues to my life and history.

The largest item in my scripture case is – not surprisingly my scriptures! :) I have all four books combined into one book which many members called a 'quad'. It is black and has my name embossed on the front. It is however, my maiden name, and so it gives no clue of my marriage at first blush. My scriptures have been marked in places with pencil as well as many different colors of waxed crayon and so that will probably confuse some poor soul in the future who tries to figure out what the different colors mean. Funny thing, but with very few exceptions... I used the color I picked up first when I was thinking about the scripture or the color that the verse caused me to think of at that moment. Certainly a lot of time can be wasted on attempting to classify and figure out what method there was to my color choices when there was very little structured method at all. My scriptures have a few different book marks in them and I took them out for this exercise as each means a great deal to me. This particular set of scriptures itself means a great deal to me because I purchased it only a few weeks before my husband proposed and he came into the distribution center with me while I picked them out. I found out later that he knew he was going to propose but wasn't sure how to tell me not to put my name on them as I might change it. :)

The next item is my hymn book. The same day I purchased my scriptures there was a small blue hymn book in the clearance section and I purchased it and had my name embossed on it as well. So it also has my maiden name, but pretty much no markings at all. In some ways it almost looks like I haven't used it at all, but it is my preferred hymn book for use at home and church if possible. Even though it is small and the lettering is small enough that it can be difficult to read, I feel more open to hearing the words when I hold it and sing from it. Nothing that I can really explain- just the way that I feel which may not be apparent without seeing me and watching me with the book

itself. Inside the hymnal, I have a small bookmark and two pictures. I use the book mark to hold the place of the next hymn during church or to mark the one that I am studying in my spare time and it was made for me as a present by my friend Toni. I haven't seen her in years, but I think of her every time I hold the bookmark and feel the caring and love that she has for me. The two pictures are very meaningful to me and I use them as a reminder of situations or people. The first picture is of a friend of mine when she graduated

from college. Katey looks beautiful, elegant and self assured. Her life has been a little different from mine and I aspire to look so calm, confident and beautiful when I finally graduate... well, if I finally graduate! ; ) The second picture is of Bug when he was about eighteen months old. The picture caught caught him in a rare moment of quizzical amusement and giggles.... and it was wonderful!

I have a few typical things- the package of scripture markers, two copies of the “New Testament” Chronology card (not sure why I have two...?), a large postcard with a picture of the scene of Lehi's dream, the Relief Society proclamation bookmark, and a pressed daisy that I have had for several years. The daisy is my favorite flower and it came from a bouquet that Rob bought me a long time ago. I also have two 4” x 7” pictures tucked into the pages. The first picture is of a portrait painted by David Lynn called “The Ascent.” The first time I say the artwork was in a museum in Utah. It took my breath away and off and on for weeks, I dreamed about the image. I saw the people in the portrait struggling forward, reaching out, pulling people up.... I felt their hands help me forward and I felt the hope in the struggle. We are not alone in our trials, we can always find help and support. Later on I found a copy of the picture on line and downloaded it to my computer. Then, after a trip with a thumb drive to the local drug store, I had my own small copy. I look at it at least once a week and I see different things, but I always feel a sense of peace and comfort while gazing. The last picture ironically enough gives me the same feelings, but its an entirely different subject matter. It a postcard photo that I made from a picture on the internet.

I am a serious Harry Potter fan and I was a very silly fan of Hermione and her group “S.P.E.W.” I loved to read about it and I spent a lot of free time in my life thinking about the questions that her group posed as well as the opposition she accidentally created in her zeal and struggle against the social norm. The lessons that I learned and ruminated on from some of the elf characters themselves; Winky, Dobby, and Creature. So I carry a picture of all three of them and the emblem of the group. I look at the picture and laugh at some of the images the characters create in my mind... Dobby wearing too many hats, Creature cooking or huddled over his picture of Bellatrix Lastrange, Winky crying and looking through her fingers.... so many images that create laughter or concern or other thoughts. For some reason that only my subconscious seems to understand, my scriptures and scripture study feels enriches with my picture of the elves. I actually don't feel terribly comfortable with the idea of taking it out of the case... that's something I might need to think about.

So what do you keep with your scriptures...? And what do the things you keep say about you? I'm curious... :)

The New Friend

It has been approximately two months since I gained a new housemate...namely a new cat! How she joined my quirky entourage is a funny and frankly lucky story, but it feels sufficient for me to say that I came home from church on a blissful and restful Sabbath afternoon and in less than an hour, my day had changed. An impulsive move and a lot of luck... brought a filthy, scrawny ball of energy that was soon hiding under my bed. And like my other three 'strays', she would hiss lightly when I lifted up the end of the futon. It was a funny image to see four cats in a line- three hissing and then Morianna sitting quietly and realizing that at least in this instance, the same mutual concerns of fear and and the unknown were able to allow a new, unknown cat to merge into my small herd with no fuss or territorial squabbling. In fact, you would think they had never known a time without each other. It was pretty amazing to witness and so I could begin to focus on the immediate needs- a bath was really essential as well as potential worming and flea removal and all that sort of thing.

So the next day, I began. After a trip to the pet store after my shift I began the semi arduous and struggling task of corralling the new member and bathing her. I named her Bellatrix – she reminded me of a character in the Harry Potter series, Bellatrix Lestrange, due to the amount of dirt, frizzy hair and the snarl marring her otherwise beautiful face. With a good friend, I managed to clean her without drowning us both and without a large loss of blood on my end. The amount of hair that came tumbling and shedding off into the tub was an amount significantly large enough that when pressed together, it resembled a small guinea pig. However, within a few days, Ms. Bella was eating, purring and quickly became an irreplaceable part of my household. Taking her cue from Morianna, I would find her waiting near the door when I arrived home or running cheerfully towards it to greet me. Treats given from my hand soon encouraged some good closeness and as her weight became more acceptable her fur began to shine and she began to use her new found energy more productively. (She is still too skinny, but she feels more 'solid' now; when I first picked her up she felt like skin wrapped around bird bones... totally light and easily breakable.) A trip to my favorite vet with shots and wormer and she is as good as 'new'... and she has been rechristened Bella as she no longer reminds me of that dark character in the least. Her clear relief at easy food and safety has really come out as she follows me everywhere and guides even my two most stubborn strays to do the same. Her physical beauty and her deep inner joy began to trickle out and now flood into the home environment and I feel her contentment when I come home. It's just a great experience everyday. Today she is at the veterinarian getting spayed and ready to hopefully have a good long life with me. I will truly miss her tonight.

So, I think its official. I am now a 'crazy old cat lady'. The fact that I also own a hamster only puts an even more interesting spin on the funny stereotype, doesn't it? But I feel content and happy. I love coming home to be greeted by two, maybe three friends and I find a little exasperation, but mostly joy in getting covered in cat hair with beautiful, purring sweeties rubbing on my legs and sitting on my lap and bed when I settle. Reading the scriptures next to a purring cat is wonderful for a few reasons. The soft comforting sound helps clear my mind for reading and real study. While doing this I have found that I focus longer as I am pulled in and I find that I don't want to end the moment. That time of peace and comfort has been getting longer as it has become not just something I have been told to do, but something I look forward to throughout my day. When I get home, I see an exciting and happy time about to open... and not the dark lonely nights that I used to feel. (I won't pretend that those nights are all gone, but they feel fewer and far between.) What a beautiful and wonderful gift! I am very grateful. :)

'Horcruxes' and a Lack of Appropriate Circumspection

“How did Ginny get like this?” he asked slowly.

“Well, that's an interesting question” said Riddle pleasantly. “And quite a long story. I suppose the real reason Ginny Weasley's like this is because she opened her heart and spilled all her secrets to an invisible stranger.”

“What are you talking about,” said Harry.

“The diary,” said Riddle. “My diary. Little Ginny's been writing in it for months for months and months telling me all her pitiful worries and woes....”

“So Ginny poured out her soul to me….”

“...but there isn't much life left in her. She put too much into the diary, into me...”

“Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets”


In the Harry Potter series, I was introduced to the idea of a horcrux- an object in which a person “places a piece of their soul.” A horcrux is a terrible object and the idea of slashing your soul into pieces is so abhorrent (at least to me.) But over some time, I started to wonder if unintentionally I had possibly 'created' my own horcrux. The recognition of that fact totally freaks me out... and I have spent the last few months really coming to terms with that. I talk to a counselor, I pray and I try to work on changing some of the thoughts and that has helped, but in the end I am still forced to recognize that I gave so much of myself to two other people... who I feel have efficiently taken a part of me and left the rest...

I recognize that a horcrux in the Harry Potter sense isn't a real object. I am certainly not confessing to any form of murder or hatred that I could channel to even attempt to create one in that sense. But I am an open person and I did have two great friends. My life will never be the same without my husband and the irony that he doesn't feel that I gave him enough of myself is hard to really understand as I feel the loss and the pain. Nothing seems to change the thoughts and feelings that I have lost everything and I don't even understand why. And to lose my very best female friend at that time has probably helped cement that feeling of loss, fear and ambivalence about the future. I had my life planned out and all of those plans feel trite and unattainable now. I truly feel like I placed all my hopes, my happiness and so much of who I am in these two people. A part of me wonders if I can ever feel whole again. A small part of me feels so apathetic about it that I'm not sure if I even care. And another part of me is so angry... because maybe I wouldn’t feel this way if I had poured most of myself into the Savior. While I feel like I have faith and a firm testimony, I also feel like I trusted these people more than I trusted Heavenly Father and the most powerful advocate that I could ever have. Either that …. or I have trusted them so much that I didn't feel like either the Father or the Son could actually hurt me... maybe so I didn't understand how being open and honest with others can really, really hurt? Not sure. In the end, I do not think anyone except my mother has caused me to feel so much pain in this life.

So over the last few months, I have worked hard to do (or not do) a few things. I have really tried to focus on opening more spiritual doors. One thing that I thought was really silly but I really think has been amazing is that I have picked up some of the materials that were written with a new investigator of Christ in mind and have actually sat and not only read, but even though I felt a little silly I tried to think about and answer all the questions. Another aspect about myself that I am finding uncomfortable is the idea that I no longer want to share with people. People who want to be my friend and who want to try and help me, good friends... It is so easy to just shrug or say that I'm fine than try to admit to the pain in my heart. Heck, I'm finding it challenging to admit to things that are good and I wonder if I feel so much fear and defensiveness that I do not feel like I can share because I am worried that these good things will be taken away from me. If that's not a silly fear, I don't really know what is. So I am trying to fight that feeling and that 'need' to conceal. It's a bit tough to acknowledge how hard it is to fight these feelings... where my soul yearns to speak, but my head clamps down and my tongue is silent or flippant or even diversionary. Anything to keep the questions at bay, to feel less fear, less concern.


I have been accepting callings and really trying to fulfill them. I have tried that in the past but it feels different now. I feel like if I fail or do not succeed at a calling now I haven't just failed myself... I have failed Heavenly Father. Maybe I should have felt that way in the past... maybe I shouldn't feel that way now. I don't know, but there is a sense of urgency about my callings that I have not felt in this way before. In the past, my focus as been really on the people I am trying to help and that has been how I have fulfilled my callings. I have prayed or focused on what people need and tried to take care of those needs and so a calling felt very personal and humbling. My callings still feel personal and I still have a lot of focus- I need it to accomplish them- but there is a small string of fear attached to every decision now. What people really think really matters so much? If I forget to do something and someone decides to lose their testimony or quit, I fear my part in it. Rationally I recognize that people are allowed to make their own decisions, that I just need to do the best that I can and that's all that is expected of me, but that doesn't remove the fear. So I focus on the callings with two emotions that I have never had attached to a calling before- a feeling of frenzy and need to be exceptional... or the feeling of ambivalence, that nothing I do matters as it will never be good enough. I am trying to actively try and fight both emotions now as I don't think either one is OK or good for me.

I guess in the end, I am actively trying to pick up the pieces of my soul and my life and move on. I am not sure that I can ever really feel whole again in the sense that I did before. I don't think I am the same person nor can I be. In some ways, I think I did create a horcrux because a part of me is gone and feels destroyed. Unlike a horcrux though, I feel like maybe I can use the magic of the Atonement and love to fill the empty spots. It will never be the same and I do wish it could be, but maybe the difference will be better for me and I can feel whole again. I would really, really like that. If anything, that is what my prayers are focused on now. Moving forward and moving on. Feeling loved and whole. May I get there soon. :)

What Motivates me to be a Leader and other Thoughts....

I have a few different thoughts on the first question; about what motivates me to be a leader. A few weeks ago, my easy answer would have been that nothing motivates me to be a leader and that I do not want to be one (leader). One thing I have learned is that whether I want to be a leader or not I am a leader. I am a mom... for a little while I will still be a wife... and I have a life and a spark and an energy that should be used and not squandered in confusion, misunderstanding and self pity. So what motivates me to be a leader...? Well, if I am going to be a leader (understanding that I will be a leader whether I 'want' to or not') I want to be the best leader that I can. I want to make change and help others and bring financial security to myself. I want to set up my life in a way that I am utilizing the little time I have on this planet to the best of my abilities at the time... and hope that as I try, my abilities will become honed and more able to tackle the difficulties that I will face in my future. There is a line in book six of the 'Harry Potter' series where Harry and Dumbledore are discussing the prophecy that has caused Lord Voldemort to chase Harry his whole life. In that paragraph, Dumbledore discusses the idea that Harry does have choices and he is not bound to follow the prophecy. At that time, Harry realizes that he has made a choice... and even though that choice was difficult and had large consequences attached to it, he smiles because while the situation hasn't changed... how Harry looks at it has. And as the character states : 'that makes all the difference in the world.' I feel in some ways that I am in a parallel situation... minus the mortal danger from Voldemort, that is. :) I can see myself as being forced into choices by other people... or I can see that they are making their choices and while those choices do affect me and my life, I can see how to make my own decisions. I can look at the situation less personally, more critically and see the blessings and positives that shine out of the gently woven tapestry of my life that seem s currently dark, drab, and limited. Even changing my mindset to look for the changes is a metaphoric golden thread that can help bring light and opportunities into my life.

I have several sources of motivation that I have been able to discover in my life. I think that a few might be more prescient right now and might even be motivations that everyone has because they are more instinct than motivation. I will have to let you be the judge. One thing that motivates me is my severe sensory issues. I do not always understand why I do some of the things that I do and why I do or do not like some things. Over the last few years as I have discovered that I do have sensory problems that that some of the things I do are considered truly 'normal' for someone with my condition who hasn't been treated, I have discovered that my body and mind instinctively react in ways that are not truly necessary or positive. However, rationally understanding this fact doesn't change the way my body/ mind react to a sensory assault. Some things such as smells I have worked really hard and have made progress on getting past the difficulties that they can give me. Some things such as water and noise, I have made little to no progress on and will probably need professional help to overcome. Along with the sensory problems is my gluten allergy- so severe that a small exposure can set me back 20 pounds in one week and take quite literally months to recover from. The motivation to stay safe from both sensory and food hazards is a huge motivator for me and I limit myself in many ways due to my concern and fear of pain, discomfort, and instinctive reactions that are not entirely under my control. (One reason I know that these two things are highly motivating is that I am willing to overcome a few other challenges to put them first in my mind. I try to hide in groups and be the same and blend in... but if confronted with something that challenges my sensory system or potential gluten exposure, I will stand up and stick out until I feel the situation is safe again or I have left. I am the person on the airplane that will make sure that nobody in several rows around me gets to eat a sandwich which doesn't make me very popular... but it keeps me safe and well. : D ) One other motivation is work- I truly like to be busy and I enjoy working towards goals or helping other people. Service is a big motivator for me and I really like how I feel afterwords.... like a little spark has been kindled in my heart and that I truly deserve a small break to enjoy the glow from the spark and a brief rest- I think that brief spark could be called joy. I m motivated to earn money and I am willing to do almost anything to earn it so that I feel secure. I think this motivation would be less strong if I did have more financial means and I wasn't always struggling to just hold my head about water. So I am a jack- of -all -trades and I work for the post office when they need me, teach CPR and first aid a few hours a week, take on freelance genealogy jobs, and I use websites to not only help me save money, but to earn a little bit as well. I am selling some of my belongings through Uncle Henry's and Ebay and I sometimes help people with some shopping for a little extra cash. On top of that add school and if I seem frazzled... well, I am! :O I am motivated by external concerns such as good grades, social status, what others say they think of me... and I am also motivated by a sense of satisfaction at a job well done. I feel inspired to help whenever anyone seems to need help … even if I am not sure what to do. I feel motivated sometimes in such a strong manner towards helping someone or working that I can often puss myself past my physical limit- in some ways my spirit is too willing... and my flesh too weak. ; )

I have quite a few extrinsic motivations if I think about it and look at my former thoughts. I am motivated my money, winning over others, teaching (which can be a form of power), and social status in the form of positive 'carrots'- I need to have good grades, feel liked, get praise, etc... Those carrots are very important for my happiness and to minimize my chronic case of low self esteem. If I was to place these motivations into an order from the most motivating to the least, the list would look a bit like this:
1. Social Status
2. Monetary Compensation
3. Winning Over Others
4. Having Power
There are so many traps that I could find myself entangled in through these extrinsic motivations. I can see myself doing things for money which could violate my personal or religious code as well as the laws of my community. I can see myself being willing to do things to please others that do not please myself... simply to feel that I have made someone else happy or made their lives easier. I defer to people that I have a perception of having a higher social status- which can have its ironies considering my liberal and feminist bent. I defer to people that I see as more knowledgeable than myself, have titles such as Dr., Professor, etc... and I also defer to all men in priesthood roles in my church (this can be a bad thing and isn’t necessarily church doctrine... I think I learned that at home as a child and even my liberal feminist bent hasn't changed that pattern of thinking.) Some of the ways to avoid becoming trapped in these external cycles of motivation are easy to state, but not as easy to put into practice. Working on understanding myself and developing appropriate self esteem would help me to avoid the problems that I can develop from doing things that other's want that I am not sure are a good idea. Developing confidence and self esteem will make it more possible to say 'no' and feel comfortable with my decision no matter what the reaction it provokes. Sometimes I think I say 'yes' so that people do not get mad... or I am concerned that they will not like me... but sometimes the answer really should be 'no.' One important way to avoid getting lost in some of these external traps is to recognize where your weakness are. By understanding the difficulty I have in one area (such as saying 'no'), I can recognize situations easier that might be a problem for me. Understanding my weaknesses can help me to learn compensatory techniques and also ways to deal with my difficulties. It is impossible to work with and understand a weakness that a person doesn't actually understand or acknowledge that they have. That's my thoughts at any rate.

I seem to have a good mixing of intrinsic motivations as well. I feel excited and inspired to help others, I feel joy at a job well done, I want to be true to my beliefs, and I like to be surrounded with people that I care about and people who care about me. If I was to place these motivations into an order from the most motivating to the least, the list would look a lot like this:

1. Making a difference in the world
2. Being associated with people I care about and care about me
3. Helping others
4. Satisfaction in my work and private life
5. Being true to my beliefs

Looking at these lists side by side – I actually printed them out and lay the paper in front of me to study- I found a few interesting things. The first that seemed fairly obvious is that my external motivations are really almost at 'war' with my internal motivations. Social Status and monetary compensation when put first (as I have done) on the list doesn't really compute with the first two on my internal motivations list. The first list (extrinsic motivations) appears to be more of what I tend to follow when push comes to shove... and that is a shocking realization for me. In fact, that seems fairly shallow and self centered... and those words are not words I would ever have thought to use to describe myself. It appears to me that I need to take some time to look at both of these lists more fully and really look at the major motivator behind most of my extrinsic motivations- which appears to be fear. In the past I have recognized that I have some aspects of fear in some parts of my life, but I do not think I have recognized until now how much fear actually rules my life and my choices.

After chewing on the ideas that I mentioned above I thought of a few situations in my life where I have had trouble: i.e, I had conflicts between my external and internal motivations. Looking at those situations I seem to have found a pattern. If pushed too hard, the external motivations were given first shot and I rarely felt very satisfied with the outcome. In fact, I didn't feel satisfied or happy at all... and maybe that is the point. Maybe I need to get past my fear to stick up for myself and others and that will help me to find my joy and 'sweet spot.' I really think that the major reason that I do cave to people is fear and while the reasons for the fear maybe different in these situations... its effects are the same. I feel closed off, unhappy, confused, and certainly unsure and sometimes I feel too much pressure and I just want to run. I haven't run for years though... that's a good step!

I then tried to take both lists and put them together in the 'true' order that I think they are actually formulated in my life- as I doubt we divide our thought and actions into separate lists very often. Here is what the finished product looked like. It actually changed quite a bit in the thought process. An asterisk shows an intrinsic motivation.
1. Having power (this moved to the top because I began to see power as a form of control... and if you are fearful you are more likely to control the things around you and have that need to control. And the more I thought about it, this placement made more sense.)
2. Monetary Compensation (as long as I feel poor and unable to even buy the medicines to keep me healthy I think this will always rank high... especially as I seem to have proven to myself that I am willing to work long hours for little compensation.)
3. Helping Others *
4. Being associated with people I care about and care about me*
5. Social Status
6. Making a difference in the world*
7. Winning over others
8. Satisfaction in my work and private life *
9. Being true to my beliefs *
I did wonder if because of the way I interpreted power if it should be both asterisk free and have an asterisk, but I did leave it asterisk free for now.




Unfortunately, I am not really sure that I am very impressed with the above list. Oh well... at least it was as honest as I could make it due to my thoughts and understanding. :) I think I have several capabilities and strengths. I am not afraid of work and I have a love of learning. I am fairly tolerant and very generous to others. I am great at bringing a smile to the face of other people and working to listen and help in the areas that people feel most needy. I am quite loyal and even when someone has caused me great difficulty and even rejected me and who I am , I find it easy to continue in some ways supporting them and doing the things they need. :) I think I am also pretty strong and can function and sustain a fairly large emotional and physical load for a long period of time which gives me more options and solutions of problems than some people have. I have a great deal of experience with dealing with people in crisis and with serious difficulties- such as substance abuse, domestic violence, mental illness, developmental disabilities and poverty.

But I would be remiss if I didn't mention some of my challenges and weaknesses. I do not have a lot of confidence in myself and I am very likely to place my trust in others even if I am not really comfortable with their conclusions. I find myself sometimes forgoing the care of myself to help someone else... which in the long run affects both me and the other individuals negatively. I have some difficulties with consistency and I do have a strong emotional base that I can find quite difficult to hide at times... especially in situations where I feel hurt, threatened or harmed.

So looking at my strengths and my listed motivations, here is a list I came up with for areas where the two groups seem to combine or can be blended.
1. I have a great need to help others out of poverty and to help myself out of poverty as well.
2. I have experience and a great love of helping people in difficult circumstances get out of those circumstances.
3. I am strong and can help someone with difficulties for a long time so that they can have help consistently for a better and more positive outcome over the long term.

It seems to me that there are a few situations where I would be quite successful and find some joy and peace in my decisions.
1. I could work towards becoming a foster parent for developmental disabled children and even a long term adoptive parent.
2. I could finish my degree and get work as a social worker in areas that I have strengths in such as children, substance abuse, child protective services, and mental illness.
3. I could start a not for profit for helping children and adults with disabilities in my area have the resources that they need to be more successful, more healthy, and to be more productive members of society.

There are probably other things that I could do, but these were the few that not only first came to mind, but have been popping into my head over the last few weeks as ideas for my future that seem reasonable and I also find fairly exciting and energetic about. All three would take a huge amount of time, energy, and also would require that I expend a bit of time, energy and focus on continued building of my strengths and capabilities. All three would require learning and development in areas that I do have strengths but not necessarily the knowledge that is needed. I would also need to work with people who do not necessarily think like me and have strengths and difficulties in different areas of their lives which can help me to grow in understanding, generosity, and joy. This list helps me to feel hopeful and also seems to be helping me to discover a new direction in my life which sounds difficult and challenging, but worthwhile, exciting and downright fun and rewarding. I have already started to make priority lists for all three to ponder and really think about to see where my energy and time should best be focused. Some parts of the future look quite exciting now. :)

The Day of the Owl :)

A few days ago, while the sun was still dim and snow was still sitting on the tips and light branches of the pine trees, my son had a fun moment. Bug loves owls and we have heard them many times over the evenings and years in the yurt. I have come to recognize the different hoots and calls that different breeds of owls make and a few times we have been lucky enough to see an owl at night- such as sitting on the duck-house lusting after ducks- and sometimes at dusk... usually sitting high up in a far away tree so they are blurry and barely visible. But on this day, Bug had his own 'Harry Potter' experience and found an owl sitting in a close tree in the middle of the day.
And gosh, wasn’t he beautiful? He stuck around for a few minutes and then flew to a far away tree. What a pleasure and a blessing for Bug!

Something I Didn't Have Last Time....

I know that a few people who got my newsletter this year had raised eyebrows at the contents. After all, while I didn't 'lie'... I sure left a lot out! I guess I feel like lies of omission are better for people who cannot do anything and really do not need to know what is going on. Sort of rude I know... but for the best I think. :) I feel like I can be more honest here because so few people read it... although I am still being pretty vague so I obviously do not think I can be totally honest... :D

My major trial hasn't changed for the better in many months. And yesterday, I learned that it really isn't changing for the positive at all. I know that things will get better. Things will always get better! I know this and I have faith that it will change. Think positively!

I had quite a time last night. I lay awake trying to find ways to sleep and trying to get past my fear. I ended up listening to 2/3 of the fifth Harry Potter book- draining both my phone and my computer well into the morning. But I faced my fear- on Christmas no less- and survived long enough to see the sun come up and laugh. Sometimes, life is hard... but it does go on. Remember, it always goes on. And it gets better... :)