Little Things

Isn't is interesting that it is the little things in life that really make this journey worthwhile? Each of us has different ideas of what a 'little thing' is in our lives, but each of us can find something we are grateful for. I found myself dwelling on the idea of little things today and how wonderful they make life... and also confound it. How many times have we found our focus moved to a little thing- a small fluid leak from our cars, a short temporary illness, a small want that isn't fulfilled- in such a way that we are unable to fully and clearly focus on the really big things in our life. Sometimes a little thing is vastly important or becomes so... and sometimes we find that it was truly something that we could have ignored and wasted too much of our limited time on. It really is the little things that can bind and bring us joy.

There is so much ugly in the world and my country right now with so much violence and anger... so much I can do so little about. So today my focus is rest, healing, my son and service.... with a small focus on petting cats... boy I love that!

What are some of the little things that you are focused on right now?

Starting Again...

It's been awhile since I've been on here. I've been doing a bit of writing on the side, but I will admit that I feel slightly uncomfortable with the idea of putting a lot of personal information on this blog since it has been found by family... so I simply delay and then never put anything up. I want to try and reclaim the blog for myself, but I will admit that I am unclear as to how to do that. So I'll probably be a bit sporadic over the next few months. Starting again was the hardest part... so here I am giving it a try.

To any loyal readers, thank you for being patient. Comments are still more than welcome and will just be slow to post due to moderation. Any specific topics that you wish me to cover can still be requested through comments as well. Thank you for continuing the journey with me. :)

Reaction and Thoughts on "Girlhood: Growing Up On The Inside"

This post is on an unique documentary that followed the lives two young women who became incarcerated in their teenage years... and how each of them changed and 'grew' through that process. Both individuals had open ended sentences which meant they would be released based on their behavior and family circumstances. The young women were named Shanae Owens and Megan Jensen.





Shanae was incarcerated because she got into a fight with another girl and the other individual died. She has some amazing family who really care about her and just want to really help her improve, to love herself and to have the best life that she can. I can feel their support in every moment with them and its obvious that she feels their love and support too. Even though she has done something really bad, she feels secure in their love and caring for her. Her family also really openly talks about their flaws and problems- her father admits to a shady past and her mother states, “I've been there.” One of the questions that her social workers and probation officers look at is whether the family is growing as well, and I see so much of that in these clips. Even at such a young age, Shanae is learning about critical thinking and in counseling sessions makes comments such as “That might be effective for her.” I listened to that comment and compared it with some of the individuals around her and thought of her as an older woman inhabiting a young body with a brain wise and thoughtful beyond her years. She has had circumstances that in many ways I can not fathom; raped by several men at age eleven, becoming pregnant at age eleven (not sure if they were from the same circumstance, but I suspect they might be), getting into a fight and not even remembering what happened during it, etc... When she is moved to a group home, she reminds herself, “I started at the bottom there, I can do it here”. She reminds herself of her flaws but also focuses on her blessings “They never gave up on me, my parents, my family, nobody...” She finds her strength in her family and their love for her, so much so that she is able to continue to draw from that strength even when her mother passes away. She seems to see how to grow even within tight limitations and how to use the limitations in many ways to her own advantage.

Megan is an interesting young lady. I am not sure what she was incarcerated for as if it was mentioned I missed it... she doesn't seem to talk about it at all. She states that she is in trouble ever day at her facility and that she doesn't care. I watch her and realize that she almost never looks at the person she is talking to or the camera... almost like she doesn't notice that they are there. Megan states several times that she 'doesn't care', but that isn't what I feel as I watch her. It feels like she cares so much her heart would bleed with the showing of it, she looks away to hide herself, her bravado and anger are her masks. I sense her fear of relationships and hurt, but I also feel her strength and resilience... her desire to be better and to have better is just as apparent as her defense mechanisms.

“You're going to end up just like your mother and unconsciously I have been doing that”

“I regret so much... I feel like an old woman trapped in a young girl's body”

“I'm never going to change anything in my life cause this was what's supposed to happen”

I see parallels between her and her mother and the ways that they think as well as differences in their views. Both of them seem to state at different times that they have nowhere to go and you can see how this view of their lives and positions can shape a negative vision of their lives and possible choices going forward. Her mother states that they need to go to counseling together and Megan refuses- a struggle that I can see in two lights. Counseling would be helpful for Megan for her own problems and learning to deal positively with her anger, but at least at this point I am not sure that family counseling would be beneficial for her. Her mother complains that Megan states that her mother was never there for her – is a 'stranger' to her in fact – and then state that she had custody of Megan until Megan was seven. You see her mother try to count out how many years she had with Megan and the use of words like custody, she had her grandmother, etc... suggests that Megan may have a valid viewpoint... her mother wasn't there even when she wasn't in jail. I watch Megan tell social workers and probation officers that she will not avoid undesirables because her mother would be considered an undesirable and as time goes by to cut her mother out of her life, recognizing the danger and stress that it causes her in her life. Megan has more options than her mother... mainly because she sees that she has more choices than her mother. In so many ways, their viewpoints are similar but Megan's are beginning to evolve as she heads out on own and starts to try and live on her own and with friends. She doesn't have the strong support of much family at all... you do not see her grandmother much at all and only hear about things she might do, etc... (In her grandmother's defense, it sounds like she is overwhelmed trying to deal with all the problems she faces between herself, her daughter, and all her grandchildren.)

“I ain't nothing like my mother”

I see a very tough life for Megan ahead of her. She tends to fight her limitations and looks at adversity in a short term way, not recognizing how her behavior and thoughts can affect her long term choices and limitations. I want to reach out and help her and also back up because her anger scares me a bit... no matter how justified it might be.

Something that interested me and I am still thinking about is that Shanae's family seems more close knit and show their love for each other better. While Shanae seems to have committed a harder crime and therefore, has more to overcome along with the lack of privilege that she has due to race, gender, etc... she is the individual that I have the most hope for after watching this film. Both of these individuals were living their lives beginning to relieve the cycles of their parents that were potentially destructive to themselves and others. Andre Lorde states, “There is no such thing as a single issue struggle, because we do not live simple issue lives.” Both of these individuals show us a good example of how trying to separate people into single categories isn't helpful for the individuals being classified nor really informative to those doing the classifying. It seems like the only consequences of trying to see people in these limited vision are negative... for everyone involved. Megan's mother makes a very excellent observation- “It doesn't matter what you did, it matters what you do” After the death of her mother, Megan mentions that she has so much to forget and she could get drunk or smoke to 'try and forget' but that wouldn't really be helpful in a positive way for her- a very mature observation for some her age and with her grief. I see Megan as getting some advantages that she didn't really work for... that Shanae only got through hard work and in some ways, I think that Shanae will do better for it and that some of Megan's privilege is helping to hold her back from what changes she really needs to make in her life.

I wonder how the director chose these two girls, how she found them and what about each of them drew her to them to help her express her ideas and thoughts. I wonder how these young women changed the ways that Liz Garbus viewed them and their individual situations and how all the individuals involved in this project may have modified their viewpoints on these women and incarcerated young people in general based on the work they performed for this film. I am grateful to see this small vision of what could have been my past and what so many struggle with. Thank you.


One how that came up in some reading near the end was "Orange is the New Black." I have never watched or had any interest in watching this show, however, the statistics in the readings were powerful, sad and horrifying. The fact that jails are now are largest mental health providers in our country isn't totally new to me, but adding women to that equation is. Recognizing that their families and children are affected by the states' choice to incarcerate these women instead of providing mental health services and giving them the ability to be at home seems to suggest that what society's goals really are is to provide people for private incarceration for profit, instead of helping people be productive members of their communities. The documentary asks a good question... “Is incarcerating these women worth it?” I suggest it is not.

photos from: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0368745/, https://woyingi.wordpress.com/2010/05/29/documentary-review-girlhood-by-liz-garbus/

Blessings....

As I was sitting this evening and thinking upon my challenges that seem to fill my thoughts lately, I decided to think of some blessings that I have instead. I suspect that I should have been able to think of many, many more than I did... but I'll share the ones that really stuck with me tonight.

1. I have the most wonderful son. There is so much I want for him and while I do not see him as much as often as I would like, but I can think about him and pray for him as often as I would like and that is a wonderful blessing too. :)

2. I received a wonderful blessing last Wednesday. That blessing and the words that I received as well as the thoughts were so uplifting-so great- that they have sustained me throughout the hours since. The brother who gave it to me probably can not have a full picture or depth of what he gave me. I am more grateful than I can say.

3. I have good friends... too many to list! Some that are on my mind today are Katey B., Sarah F., Becky K., Darla A., Linda R., and Kim B.. You all know who you are and how much I love you!

4. I have pets and companions ho show caring and appreciation for me... who seem to see my every need and my words as something worthy of note... I won't say that they always fulfill them, in fact, sometimes I think they laugh at me. But the best companion is a honest and loving one. :)




5. I have a job. I can work and earn money and learn and enjoy other people. It's wonderful!

6. I had cash this week for a few emergencies, lunch, a taxi, and medicine – a rare occurrence and a piece of luck that I would never have expected.

7. I can see the world around me- the shapes, people, and even most of the detail. I can see light and the trickle of the rain on the windshield of my car and sitting like fat, dewy tears on the mall blades of grass poking up from the moist ground.

8. I have the ability to chose to fast to try and gain inspiration or healing. Some people fast pretty consistently because they do not have food ...or at least not enough of it. The ability to do so... to chose to do so... and to pray, showing my willingness to sacrifice and my desire for inspiration is a blessing all on its own.

9. I live in a cute place surrounded by deer, squirrels, turkeys, and many other birds and amphibians. The opportunity to it and just watch... to focus on my small presence in this large world is beautiful and something I do not take for granted.





10. I have two unbroken feet- enough said. ;)

11. I can muster up so much courage when I need too... a skill I never knew I possessed early in life and have gained through the years of adversity and growth.

12. My ability to stretch and grow while not breaking is still functional inside me. I can sometimes find myself surprised by how much growth can hurt, but afterward I can feel the peace and stability that comes with the stretching and lengthening. This ability is a gift from Heavenly father that I am constantly reminded of. A conflicting and wonderful gift.

13. The blessing of a brief few moments of the day in which to listen to the silence.

14. For my very breath... as my chest rises and falls I do not tend to think of it and yet it goes on keeping me here and reminding me of my own mortality and the miracle of my existence.

What gifts and blessings are you thankful today? Will you share?

Hunkering Down

This winter has already been a bit of a challenge to everyone in this area- more snow in three weeks than usual for December with some days reaching -15 degrees of chill... not counting the wind. The ice storm a few weeks back was stunningly pretty, but horrendously destructive as the weight of its icy beauty pulled trees into trees into deep waist-ed bows until they collapsed under their weight , acknowledging their submission to the elements and powers around them. I watched bushes literally collapse in upon themselves- imploding into their cores like a black hole had developed at their roots and was pulling them quickly and inexorably into the nothingness. I lay awake one night gazing blankly at the ceiling and just listening to the creaks, groans, whistling and popping of the many pieces of topiary and the woods in general as they fought and struggled not only for their limbs, but for their very lives. It felt a little bit like the end of the world... the sensation of the earth and all life starting to collapse and die into extinction. It was hard not to feel sad at the death and destruction that I can see from every window of my house and on my walks into the woods. It looked like a war had been fought... and that mother nature had lost, brought figuratively to her knees in surrender. Only one thing spoke of positive things: the small inlet in the woods under some trees with the clear prints and indents of at least five deer who have rested out the storm and then left, alive and ready to look for food.

The one drawback to moving into my awesome cabin at the very beginning of winter is that I had no time to locate and fix any areas or fissures in the walls, windows or doors that might need to be repaired. Most of the time I haven't really noticed – the stove keeps the place warm and cozy and I find myself quite comfortable. I have found that while the insulation is good, the windows are very thin and two of them have broken frames and so in small places, a steady stream of air flows in from the exterior. The wind and snow come in on three sides and I can't feel the cool draft in through the plugs in the wall as well. So when the weather is in negative numbers, it has actually been more of a struggle to keep the place well heated. I will say that even with this difficulty I smile – I just love living here and I feel like I have finally found my refuge... a place to regain my health and to allow the wounds of the last few years to heal. I have slowly been filling in some of the cracks and covering the openings in the windows with tape and down blankets to hold it all tightly together until better weather. That has helped a lot and has even provided more evening entertainment as some of the cats find it less challenging to run up the walls now. :)

So, we are all hunkered down and ready for three more months of snow and ice and wind. And as I drive slowly to work three days a week I look at the houses and neighborhoods as I slide past. The buildings seemed closed off too... covered with snow and ice... hunched or and oppressed, waiting for the warmth to return. How are things in your neck of the woods? Are you and your neighbors warm and comfortable? How is the winter affecting you and your plans? If you survived the ice storm, who did it affect the trees and wildlife around your home? I am very curious!

2013 Poetry Corner #6 - "To Be"

To dream is to stretch your soul
... to reach out of your reality to a new place
... to hope for future peace

To plan is to stretch your mind
... to focus on the changes that must be
... to hold onto a goal with purpose

To try is to acknowledge possibility
... of both failure and success
... to move onward anyway

To grow is to reach forth
... to know that to gain may cause pain
... that through adversity, we gain strength

To love is to believe
... to know that the Father loves us
... to have faith in ourselves
... to be

Introspection on my Past, Abilities, and Recent Thoughts: part 2

Here are the last paragraphs of the last posting....

My current view of life is a journey, but very open ended. I am not sure where I am headed nor do I know for sure where I want to go. All of my goals right now in many ways are short term. Get a good job…. finish school…. try to fix my home situation….. try to survive… stay healthy… - nothing for the most part that is entirely long term and cannot be changed. And all the goals are sort of vague as to what things I need to accomplish them I need to do. I am trying really hard right now to learn about myself and to try and understand how I am different and become a better communicator and person, but I do feel constrained and frankly I am split in some ways I see life as a great learning experience, but I see most learning as painful, difficult and I am not always sure that it is worth the struggle. I tend to also see most positive experiences as something that I cannot easily attain for many reasons whether it is my insecurity in my ability or my lack of physical assets, etc…

In my lifetime I have had a few leadership experiences. I have been a director of a play for grade school children, a mother, a medical supervisor for a drug abuse/crisis center for teens, and an advisor for a church youth program that due to circumstances gave me no authority but all the responsibility. As a director, I found that I didn’t understand the craft and I didn’t have a stable enough life at the time or the confidence to accomplish it and I gave the job to someone else. I have failed as a mother. As a medical supervisor, I found that the people I supervised didn’t like to do the extra work and nothing I said could convince them to do so- I ended up redoing and doing most of the work myself until I gave up and found a different job elsewhere. As an advisor, I did step up to do the work and sacrificed almost everything. After I had given everything I had for several months, I was ‘fired’ (which I didn’t know was possible from a church job), not given the basic decency that other members would have been given for my work and I have not accepted a job since. I really put all of my time, passion, much of my extra monetary resources and joy into that job and I felt beaten and slapped and unappreciated after my firing. I haven’t been willing to risk that again since. (And I can’t imagine why anyone would want to read any of this- what depressing piteous drivel.)

I think what I need most are some really positive experiences with people that I genuinely believe want to help me improve and have no other motives that that. I need experiences where I am gently pushed forward, encouraged and helped as I struggle. I need to find a way with being OK with who I am and wanting improvements for me and because they are good for me… and not for someone else. I think I also need to reach an understanding that I appear to be a leader… whether I want to be or not, so I should try to be the best. :)

I think what I need most are some really positive experiences with people that I genuinely believe want to help me improve and have no other motives that that. I need experiences where I am gently pushed forward, encouraged and helped as I struggle. I need to find a way with being OK with who I am and wanting improvements for me and because they are good for me… and not for someone else. I think I also need to reach an understanding that I appear to be a leader… whether I want to be or not, so I should try to be the best. :/

As for the idea of entering a new phase in my life, I am totally unsure that is actually true. I feel like I am in a holding pattern and attempting to find a life in this holding pattern and struggling to find the right ideas and words to move in a positive direction from it. I am not sure if I am astute enough to recognize when I am in a new phase until the new phase is ‘over’ and I am in the reality that has continued…? I have no idea if that made any sense or not. I think that the term ‘new phase’ assumes that when change is happening a person is introspective enough to deal with it and to make decisions that are based on what could happen. When I have had change such as the ‘firing’ I mentioned above, I did nothing new but lick my wounds and not accept another job. I didn’t see it as an opportunity that I do see it could have been now. So I think that figuring out you are in a ‘new phase’ may be easier for some people than others or maybe my reaction to all new phases in my life is to curl up, close ranks, and try to deal with my emotional aftermath from it. So if I look at this time in my life as a potential new phase simply because I am still alive and still here ready to work, I think some of the goals I would make wouldn’t change from the ones that I am currently attempting to complete. I would try to survive and learn more about myself, try to stay healthy and work on my family, try to develop better skills and finish my degree. I think that is a pretty tall order already. :)

There are several adjustments that I think I might need to make. However, none of the adjustments seem easily feasible or even possible for me in my current situation. I need to learn how to change thinking patterns and I think doing that on my own is not only slow but I have no way to truly understand if I am doing it or to measure progress. Sometimes I am not even sure where to start- after all you can’t start on everything that is wrong all at once. And, in all honesty I am quite a biased party. How can I figure out what is most important if I have difficulty looking at me separately from being me? I need to find a way to feel more confident and improve my self-esteem- how do you break through the patterns of thirty-six years if cannot really understand what is a pattern… what patterns are good and acceptable, what patterns are not… and in what areas I turn positive experiences into negative ones? Where does the pattern start positively and since I can’t see it or understand it… I change it? Have I even now seen any real part of any patterns or am I like the electron that sifts so far away from the nucleus that the patterns I see have no relationship to the whole…? I have no idea how to even define adjustments at all and that is fairly scary as well. Even in area where I feel like I have made great inroads to success like financial stability, I feel easily dismissed and I easily decide that I haven’t accomplished anything worthwhile at all. It takes a few days to remind myself that what I think counts, and working towards something that is important to me matters whether others believe it or not. (And a few days I think is pretty good even though I think that I have to remind myself for weeks or the positive traction is gone.) I need to continue to focus on the positive and I need to continue to work on showing caring and forgiveness to myself. I need to maybe adjust my defense mechanisms to allow other people in… although I have no idea how to begin that process on any kind of large scale.

Some ways I can try and change these experiences to something positive...? I can take my past experiences and try to re-frame them. Instead of allowing myself to remember them with the negative emotions and the ‘selfishness’ of my own view and what I felt at the time, I can try and stand back and look at how the other parties not only reacted but what might have caused their reactions. What were they thinking? How to they respond to life in general? I can certainly see that in some ways I am very much my mother’s daughter…. I am more likely to back off than attack and I am more likely to stay away than fight and lash, but I still feel all of those things. While I may not have a mental health disorder that causes me to react and ruminate and lash out at others the way my mother does, in many ways I still think the ways that she does so I simple have different reactions… maybe? Maybe I think I do and I don’t…? Maybe I just want to think I am different and I am simply a carbon copy of the original but I don’t have the excuse of mental illness to justify my behavior. Maybe I am just so hard on myself I am unable to take my experiences and change them to anything positive because I am not sure what really constitutes positive. I know I don’t think I can do this on my own and in many ways I am married with children, pets and friends… and I am still alone. Except for possibly trying to reframe them and try to look at them more positively, I am not sure how I can learn from any of my past. I feel like I need to find a way to simply shed it and the baggage if gives me like a skin from a lizard or I can’t overcome it. I am also aware that isn't really possible... so I will try to keep thinking I guess.

Instrospection on my Past, Abilities, and Recent Thoughts: part 1

This post is a bit of a hodgepodge and will be in broken into two parts due to length. It has thoughts and introspection on myself, my past experiences, influences, and how I think I have seen the world for many years and that I am trying to change. In some ways this is a very esoteric post and asks more questions than it truly answers about me and what I think. I am not even really sure what I learned about myself through this exercise except a little more self- loathing and a determination to keep trying to affect change in my life because I do want something better and I don't want to hurt as much as I do and I do want to trust and have people in my life. So here are some thoughts... and God help the thinker.!

I have mentioned before that I do not feel like I have had good leadership experiences. This of course leaves a fairly empty field to draw positive experiences from when looking at my past. If I look at the parts of different experiences that I feel good about I find that I have a few more options to look at. If I look at passion, I really like to give of my time and possessions in service to other people. I think that I have a hard time with boundaries so that I sometimes do not know when I should stop giving, how to say no, and to also curb my impulsive nature to just give even when I don’t have it to give. (I think I am in some ways trying to buy the attentions and goodwill and friendship of other people. I am not really sure how successful that has been in my life.) I feel passionate about helping people improve, in trying to understand people and their behavior and motivations and I feel passionate about being successful and helping others find that success too. However, I am not sure I have the skills or understanding to be helpful in many areas and I am not sure that I have had a lot of positive inspiration that has actually caused change in my life. I am not trying to avoid the idea I don’t think. I just have really struggled to find positive change from inspiration from my life in my thoughts and memories and I can’t seem to find any yet. I don’t know if that is my memory, my perspective, or my current trials that tend to block out a lot right now.

When I look at the early patterns of my life story and the people in it, it seems fairly clear that a large part of my childhood was quite negative or my early experiences were such that as time went on, my learned biases and perception of the people and actions around me became negative because my early experiences were. The entire early story that I remember is struggle, fear, the feeling of needs not being met – and I think it is fair to say no self-esteem or confidence in myself. (Certainly over the last year I have come to describe it as self-loathing and failure.) The patterns seem to show a want or a need, a lack of fulfillment for many reasons, frustration and hurt which then manifest as anger and a form of push back whether through action or withdrawal. I have also noticed a strange trust pattern- I will not share with people I do not trust, I trust very easily, if trust is broken the relationship is broken and I walk away from it. That doesn’t make a great deal of sense to me. If I am going to look at people from my early life, I would say that my interactions with my parents were not positive and so they were not positive influences to me and my choices. Ashley Kendrick was my first real friend, and the loss of her due to moving away when I was twelve is a loss that I still feel. She feels like the only positive force in my life in the earlier years. While my siblings helped form memories and action through experience, most of those interactions were negative as well. My mother (whether intentionally or not) would ‘pit’ us against each other and so no positive strong relationship could possibly have been built- at least not by me. I also think that one of the most positive (and negative) things that did happen to me as a child until about the age of fourteen to sixteen was a very strong fantasy life. I think that my creativity and my ‘alter ego’ so to speak helped me to struggle through and sometimes laugh in a life that at sometimes I couldn’t imagine living for or in much longer. In many ways, when I was eighteen I tried to live a life reborn, but found it difficult with the baggage I have carried with me for so many years… and still carry so much of.

I have been dissatisfied with myself in a leadership role in every instance I can think of in my life. Thinking of constructive criticism and experiences with it are nearly impossible for me and I realize that is because all criticism to me is personal. I am not sure there is a way- at least not until recently- to give me criticism in a way that I could truly comprehend it and understand it as a critique on action or thought… and not me as a person. I am not at all convinced that is entirely my fault, but I am unwilling to relinquish responsibility for my biases and prejudices and blame my lack of understanding on anyone else. I also wonder if people were able to feel the anger and hurt underneath and didn’t feel that they had a way to give me constructive feedback. I can remember sometime when I did received feedback (not in a leadership role) and I think that my reaction to it was probably not typical. I remember once getting to go on a church trip without my parents and I was criticized on two things. Once I was told that I should buy as much food with my food card or I would be out by the end of the week. I clearly remember not listening and being a little sad at the end of the week and hungry, but feeling full for a few days and eating what I wanted felt so wonderful that I couldn’t see the criticism as valid… and in some ways I still don’t. That feeling of satisfaction for a few days was truly wonderful and I think of it sometimes when I volunteer at my local food pantry… I wonder if that is one reason I like to volunteer at the local food pantry…? Another time was actually on the same trip (clearly that was a big event in my life! :) and someone whose name is lost to me would correct me every time I ate a bit of food. I guess my teeth would touch my utensil and make a sound. So she would lay her hand on my arm and remind me every time I took a bite of food. My reaction was to not only find no enjoyment in the meal but to stop eating so that I wouldn’t be looked at and I still sometimes attempt to not eat in front of people because I am worried that I don’t look nice while eating and I have poor manners. I think I am still quite a loud eater when I think of it. So I am not sure that if I did get constructive criticism, I would recognize it and be able to recognize what my response to it should be.

I think I have felt that way (the victim) often in my life, but I haven’t called it that or thought of it in that way. I don’t like to feel like a victim; I want to be me and to feel happy and satisfied and successful. I think that sometimes I really don’t understand how not to sometimes. I have been told that I communicate differently than other people and I misunderstand things a lot so I feel very insecure stepping into a strong role. I worry that I will cause difficulty to others or even harm that I didn’t intend to make. I worry that my being me is a problem and maybe it would just be easier to stand back and do what I understand others to tell me to do. That seems so much safer. That way I can get along safely and not be a victim and can find some peace and can give of the talents I think that I have but not hurt other people.

When thinking about whether my earlier experiences constrain or hold me back, the answer is fairly simple. My earlier experiences do constrain me. I may look free and not like I am controlled, but in so many ways I am as confined as someone who has her hands and feet tied and locking in a dark room. If I allow myself to impulsively act, I tend to feel regret or feel that I am told that I am wrong. I do not feel a lot of trust, I am limited by my mind, my allergies and my fear, and so ever circumstance is one that can be used to show me why I am wrong, not a good person, and being part of a team and doing a good job as part of a team is a way to feel successful without a lot of attention on myself. Over the last year I have been trying to understand how to re-frame some of my experiences, but so many of them have so much emotion attached to them and my life feels sort of emotionally unstable right now that I am unsure how to even go about doing that any more.

In the Blink of an Eye...

A totally scary thing happened this afternoon. My husband had taken Bug up to town to do laundry and to take his service dog to the veterinarian. Everything went pretty well until at one point Bug's impulsiveness managed to override his rational thought and Bug jumped out of the car and ran across a busy parking lot towards the street. We are lucky as he was unhurt and was stopped by someone who recognized and 'caught' him. But that was seriously a close call.

Bug's tendency to run really seems to stem from his sensory problems. From the moment he could walk, he would run. (After all why walk anywhere when you could get there faster.) When he was around 3-5 years old, he could literally run for hours and I was a very fit individual then... exhausted, but fit. :) I remember one experience vividly in my mind when I was struck by the realization that my son's sensory needs were so high and severe. As a family, we were hiking in a park up a steep hill with a very strong wind that seemed to push us back down the hill. My husband and I would turn our faces and our bodies so that the wind didn't strike us directly and other hikers would do the same... Bug would face squarely into the wind and laugh as it pushed and pressed at him. His long curly hair flying straight back along with the ends of his jacket whipping in the breeze... and he was clearly not only enjoying the sensation but craving and needing it. I felt like he was trying to embrace the wind. The joy and satisfaction and almost ecstasy on his face was breathtaking to see. (And a good lesson on adversity as well.)

In some ways that period of time was easier as my husband and myself were always on the alert ready to run, stop, or tackle him. His impulsiveness and inexplicable running have faded with time as his sensory needs have become more controllable and integrated into his nervous system. And in some ways that has added more danger as we rarely have two people on top of him constantly and we as parents are no longer constantly on high alert- which is probably healthier for us... but not for Bug. It only takes a moment for the potential for life to change in ways that we do not want. One blink could be one blink too many.

Of all the blessings that I count at the end of my day, I am so grateful for the opportunity to spent the evening with my son- still safe and whole. I am grateful for a husband who does try so hard and is a great person and my friend. I am thankful to go to sleep with my family still intact and well. I am so grateful that my son really does seem to be well on the way to conquering his sensory disorder... maybe someday I can work on conquering mine. There are so many things to be grateful for. I am truly blessed.

Orthostatic Highs

I have never understood why people would take drugs/ alcohol for a momentary high. There are so many natural ways to find a high. (I will admit that I do not know how similar the 'highs' are) Good exercise will create that high and give you other health benefits as well. The joys of service can give me a high that can last a few hours. Being able to help someone and seeing the joy in their face and posture or even the gratitude and relief is a marvelous experience. I won't pretend that I am getting enough good exercise and I am struggling with my volunteering lately, but a few times a week I have an experience which will give me a high for about a full minute. I am totally having orthostatic problems these days.

For those who are not sure what I am talking about, our bodies can experience sudden blood pressure changes based on movement- usually with the blood pressure falling several points. And this is the experience that I am really starting to discover. It's actually an amazing experience. The longest 'spell' that I have had happened to me this morning, although I will admit that these spells are happening several times a week. This morning, I woke up and stood up from my blankets and, within a moment, my head was spinning. I couldn't see anything but a vision of almost gray sparkly glitter as seen through a kaleidoscope and my knees buckled and I collapsed back onto the bed. Thought becomes extremely difficult and my hearing is impaired. I sensed the dismay of the cats and I felt Jeeves climb up onto my chest as Achilles begin to poke his nose in my face, but I couldn't actually see them or really hear them if they were making noise. I just end up lying there feeling an immense rush of almost peace and slight joy. One of the few thoughts that can seem to get through is a feeling of almost relief and that I wouldn't mind if the feeling stayed longer- although a minute is usually the maximum that it lasts. Today as I started to move my head and attempt to sit up I had a strange thought- “If this is dying, it really isn't so bad.” The thought was a little scary but also made me smile. I am learning so much in this life and I know that my life is in the Father's hands. I must try to care for my body and pray to know His will. I must also learn more trust, even in this period of my life where all trust is difficult. Trust towards the Father and what his plans are for me, trust in friends, and trust in myself.

There are so many that do so much and harm themselves in so many ways to find ways to numb their sorrow, to care for the mental health problems that they face. Some are running from past experiences and some know of no other life. The adversity that many experience in this life can be so much that I marvel that I experience so much less than they. I marvel that they struggle on and do their best... and know that my best wouldn't be as good as their actions on a daily basis. My heart problems are holding steady and these orthostatic problems serve to remind me of the blessings that I have and to help me to feel if only for a few moments the sensations of peace and relief. There are really much worse challenges in life. And a few moments of forced mindfulness... to just lay there and feel myself and my physical presence... I will admit, I do find these things to be a small blessing indeed.

Thoughts on Conversation and Healing...

When I was volunteering yesterday, I was given a blank diary from 2008 with beautiful pictures and quotes on different pages. I liked the pictures so I brought it home to glance through and a quote on one page really caught my eye. It is:

'One of the most valuable things we can do to heal one another is listen to each other's stories' – Rebecca Falls

I had three thoughts as I was reading and pondering this. The first was that it really is healing to be able to talk about what is on your mind- at least it is for me. When I do not talk about things it almost feels like bad thoughts are able to 'fester' and become an infection in my mind. And healing an 'infection' is a lot harder than trying to deal with the original thoughts. I can understand the need for secrets and for not discussing EVERYTHING on your mind, but I also think that many times, problems are more easily ironed out if the feelings and thoughts are discussed quickly. I think that having someone who cares for you and listens is great and does help in the healing process especially in very painful circumstances. I don't even think that they have to actually agree with you... to just be there and to care means so much.

Another thought was that some people do not feel comfortable listening or even being listened to except in rare circumstances. And other individuals have suggested that discussing a hurt can be not only complaining but harmful depending on the complaint. An example that I thought of was a discussion on Facebook where a friend discussed her hurt and anger at the treatment she had received by church members in her ward in Utah. Another person piped in and suggests that she was in the wrong to even suggest something bad happened at church because that makes the church look 'bad'. It was even suggested by someone that saying anything that can be construed as bad is 'anti- Mormon'... and so therefore this person is as well. In this case, an act of potential healing became another painful act which created more hurt, anger, and separation- even feelings of betrayal. Nobody, even the church defenders, were looked at in a positive light by the outsiders of the conversation that I heard from. And that feels fairly sad, because I have no doubt that everyone, including the original speaker, loves the Mormon church. But the conversation itself became another nail that could be used against the church instead of an opportunity for healing. While I agree that some people in some instances and due to our perception may discuss the same hurts more times than we think they should, I can see how that would happen if the individuals never felt listened to or had their feelings validated at any time in any conversation.

The last thing that I thought of was how polarized I feel our society is right now... and it feels like nobody wants to listen to anybody unless the individuals involved already agree on everything. I feel like the world is full of so much blame and anger and there is nothing that I can do. Yes, I can listen and I can pray and I can hope and show patience.... but I am just one. And it doesn't feel like it makes a difference at all. I go to the foodbank every week and I listen to those who are looking for work and have been for so long and have been unsuccessful for reasons they can do nothing about such as poor teeth, chaotic living arrangements, homelessness, disability, mental illness, no transportation, etc... These people are stuck in catch 22's and I cannot help them either. Heck, I didn't get the last job that I applied for and I am still looking. Last year, I joined a program to help my family become more stable, more financially independent and to get the help we need to move forward. The program is over and considered a success, with promises never fulfilled and our family even less together and stable than when we entered the program. We have no team, no help, less financial stability and our family is broken. We are more alone than we have ever been. And so many others are as well. In a world full of people, that doesn't really make sense to me at all. I want to help, but I am starting to think that my hands are not strong enough to even help/support me... let alone anyone else.

I really believe that being able to talk can really heal pain and sorrow (and anger) and can help people move forward. How can we draw a line so that people can talk without so much fear? The fear of judgment and being misunderstood looms large in many... including myself which is why I have learned to hold my tongue on so much. I am not sure that I am served in that regard as well. I do think that my soul is starting to fester which makes it even harder for me to feel comfortable around anyone. What can you do in your life to try and change this? What suggestions do you have to help other's feel comfortable talking with you? What would make it easier to talk to someone else when you need to spill? How would you support yourself if you needed some help for a while from someone outside your family- whether emotional, financial, etc...?

There is Special Providence in the Fall of a Squirrel...

Today, I caused death. Not intentionally and I certainly am not bragging... but unintentional or not, I killed a squirrel. I did the usual try and slow down...swerve a little... all the things that you do while driving at 25 miles an hour and panicking as you see the squirrel leap lightly into the road in front of you and start to run. But, unfortunately for the squirrel and myself, everything I did was not enough and I hit him. And, while I was going fairly slowly, it appeared to be a quick death.

I feel so uncomfortable with the idea that my actions, unintentional or not can cause hurt, pain, or in this case death. I pulled over to the side of the road and my first thought was “Father, please change this.” My next was “why did I leave the house so early? If I had been a few seconds later.....” That kind of thinking is foolhardy and certainly didn't change the situation at all. I recognize that I may do this to people (hurt, not death) on a fairly frequent basis and that thought is overwhelming and uncomfortably sad. And, as I sat by the side of the road, I think the grief that I have been feeling for weeks just flooded into me and I couldn’t do anything, but climb out of my car and carefully cradle the squirrel in my hands and just sit by the side of the road and cry. I cried for the loss of the squirrel but also my losses and my fears and I just cried. I must have looked a wreck and half crazy... just kneeling by the side of the road, crying and praying and holding this poor dead animal. I eventually wrapped the squirrel in a holey t-shirt and buried it under the snow underneath a beautiful tree and headed off to town to 'fulfill' my responsibilities and commitments.... but throughout the day I could feel the grief sitting so close to the surface of my heart and the tears barely behind my eyelids.

I have to find a way through this grief. I am so far behind in school it isn't funny and I just feel like -nothing-. Just nothing. I do not feel like doing anything and I am just going through some of the motions and pasting a smile on my face and trying not to be angry because that won't help. I frankly do not feel like continuing to endure. I know this sounds funny, but in a way I am so glad that I hit the squirrel because I think I was forced to not only grieve but think about my choices and what I want right now. But I do wish that I could have learned the lesson some other way.

The Rise of Moscow after the Mongol Conquest

During the years of 1237-1240, Batu Khan and his armies overwhelmed the Russian military forces and the lands of Kievan Rus became a part of the vast Mongolian Empire- or the Golden Horde. Many cities were the worst for wear from this war, and the capital city of Kiev was no exception. Kiev was already a 'falling star' by the time that Batu and his armies arrived- in 1169, the city was captured and sacked by a Russian Prince named Andrei Bogoyubsky who then promptly moved his capital to the newer city of Vladimir- after accepting the title of 'Grand Prince' of course. Kiev's location was no longer as much of an asset as it had been at one time due to trade route changes and political re-directs so the country-state of Kievan Rus was dividing into two 'groups'... and groups that really had little communication with each other. When the Mongol armies arrived at Kiev, they razed the city to the ground and decimated the population who had resided there. So the time was ripe for the ascension of a new capital city in the Russian lands... and Moscow was ready and amply endowed through several circumstances and means to rise to the top of quarreling princes/cities to snatch at the number one spot. This paper will discuss the circumstances and advantages that the small city of Moscow had that allowed for its growth and dominance during the final years of Kievan Rus' existence and the leadership of the Golden Horde.

The land on which sits the current city of Moscow was inhabited long before the Russian city was built and named. Evidence shows early evidence of humans dating to the Stone Age with evidence from the Schukinskaya Neolithic site, the Fatyanovskaya culture burial ground as well as other sites. The first mention of the existence of the city of Moscow was in 1147 when it was used as a meeting place for two princes-Yuri Dolgorukiy and Sviatoslav Olgovich. In 1156, Yuri Dolgorukiy built a wooden wall and a moat around the small city... and he is the man generally credited with the founding of the city of Moscow., This 'mere village' was situated near Moska river and had ready access to the Oka, Volga, and Dnieper, and Don rivers and was rather insignificant when compared to other new principalities of its time: Suzdal, Vladimir, Tver, and Riazan are examples. Situated in the northeast section of Kievan Rus, the city sat on a relatively flat geography with moderate temperatures and huge swaths of forests. This small city was also ideally located in the migration path of populations traveling from the middle Dnieper to the northeast section of the state. The impact of the Mongols on the Kieven Rus state can be described as inconsistent- in this case location really does matter. In some areas, the devastation was large and hard to overcome such as in Kiev and Vladimir. In other areas the impact of the invasion was less felt and so areas such as Moscow had less problems with depopulation. In fact, Moscow notably had an influx of population due to being a less devastated and more protected settlement.

During the years of the Mongol oppression or 'yoke' as it was sometimes called, the Russian aristocracy had a custom of how inheritance was divided between the male children- or princes- of the household. This system, called the 'appanage' system describes a system where it was common for a Russian prince to divide his land into as many 'appanages' as they had male children. In the principality of Moscow, the ruling prince followed the system, but tweaked it just enough to change the outcome of the inheritance. Instead of dividing the property into equal pieces, which over generations would become smaller to non-existent when there were too many princes around, the ruling prince would leave a major share of his estate to the eldest son and only small pieces to the other sons. This had the effect of allowing the eldest sons to dominate his brothers and take their lands in arguments... whereas in other areas civil wars between princes were much more evenly matched.

This form of primogenitive inheritance helped give Moscow an edge over other Russian territories. In the beginning Moscow was considered of such little significance, that it was an inheritance to the very youngest son of Alexander Nevsky named Daniel in 1263. Daniel attacked and/or inherited a few other 'appendages' and was able to leave an enlarged inheritance to his son. One of his prodigy, Ivan I, was known to collaborate with the mongols and was considered so trustworthy by the Khans that he was given the title of Grand Prince and was put in charge of tax collecting throughout much of the Rus lands around 1331. Using his profits to buy more land or collecting more appanages through force, Ivan increased the amount of his holdings five times. Ivan also helped to transfer the residence of the chief bishop of the orthodox church to Moscow (from Vladimir) and so he was able to count on support from the church for his actions over other rulers and cities. Ivan I also had the advantage of having mongol troops available for his command to fight other Russian prices or kinsmen who he had a disagreements with.

So while other princes were spending their time dealing with more princes and land to fight with/over and not having good success, the rulers of Moscow were quietly successful in their quest to increase the size of their holdings. Individual princes from all over attempted to secure the support, influence and even military might of the Mongols for their own endeavors or for the title of Grand Prince. So inter-dynastic quarrels could now be brought and appealed to the Khan for settlement... and many were. It can certainly be said that the Russian princes were not passive when dealing with succession problems and many times the Khan was called upon to deal with these family struggles. But one specific situations helped move the Khan of the Golden Horde to look more favorably upon Moscow. Moscow's main challenger for the title of Grand Prince and for the tax patent was the city of Tver and the rivalry between these two cities had been fierce for quite some time. (This civil war between the two cities lasted about 25 years. One source describes the contest between these two cities are full of 'dramatic episodes of court intrigue, highway robbery, murder, and war.) However, in 1327, a violent anti-Mongol riot broke out in Tver with the death of several mongol officials- which effectively ended the Khans strategy of allowing each of the cities to hope to get his 'favor'. The army of the Golden Horde attacked the town of Tver, its neighbors and devastated the cities... among the leaders of the troops for this attack was Prince Ivan of Moscow. It was also thought that the city of Tver was becoming political allies of Lithuania- a traditional enemy which caused some worry to the Mongol Khan.

Due to the calculation and successful implementation of the 'appanage' system by the princes of Moscow as well as the implicit support of the Golden Horde, the military might of Moscow over other Russian principalities was fairly assured. So, it should not have come to the surprise of anyone that as the rulers of Moscow grew more powerful, the yoke of oppression would be less tolerable. In 1378, Dmitri Donskoi and his army beat a small Mongolian army at the Battle of the Vozha River and in 1380, an alliance of Moscow princes defeated the Mongol alliance at the Battle of Kulikovo- marking the beginning of the end of the Golden Horde's power in Russia. There is some question of who the winner was in this last battle if you are looking at it from the military point of view, but from the moral and human point of view, Russians saw that the mongols could be successfully challenged and that 'Moscow' was the champion 'of the oppressed nation'...and Dmitri Donskoi was a hero for openly challenging the Mongol army/occupation. His son Vasily I was the first prince since the occupation to have been named successor of a city in a will without the prior approval of the Khan and he started his reign by sending 'gifts' to the Mongols and not the full tribute.

The empire of the Golden Horde began to disintegrate around the reign of Ivan III- a prince of Moscow, who greatly expanded the territory under the control of the city and laid the foundation for the coming Russian empire that was ruled by czars in an autocratic system. By the time Ivan III had completed his territory grabs, he had all the land of Russia under his control and a unified nation- in a way Kievan Rus had never been. For decades, the Mongols had been experiencing internal conflict with fairly frequent overthrows and a new 'Khan' designated.

In conclusion, the world and the life that lives on it is experiencing constant change. Kiev, at one time, had all the advantages at her feet between water access, land, trade, people, etc... But as the world changed, Kiev's 'star' was no longer so advantageously aligned and another 'star' could rise. And as the state grew in population, Moscow is a city that is more centrally located- Kiev was very much in the south of the state. Also, travel and communication from Moscow around the state would have been easier due to its abundance of close waterways. Through luck, sheer cunning, and natural advantages, the city of Moscow rose to a prominence that it has continued to this day. From a small, meager village in 1147 to the city that now houses 10,563,038 people, Moscow has become the largest city in the state of Russia... and a city with a vivid, living history that can be seen in its buildings and people today.

Today...

1. I did a good deed and helped feed over 300 people.
2. I shared a hug and a birthday wish with a friend.
3. I finished some history homework and I am almost caught up from being sick.
4. I only almost cried once.
5. I shared a nice moment this evening looking at the stars with my husband... and we move forward..?
6. I made Val laugh- a herculean task!
7. I had a good dinner with a surprise dessert from my husband- g/f blueberry pie :)
8. I am warm, safe and not feeling too stressed.
9. I am truly blessed to have such good family, good friends, and the strength to deal with my challenges.
10. I know longer think of my challenges and secrets every second of the day and can find joy... at least it is becoming easier.
Today... was a great day!

The Small Blessings of Love and Service

I was blessed today to get to do some volunteering at the local food pantry. The love and amazing spirit that these people have is just phenomenal and is always so inspiring. I can go in feeling sick and tired and just unable to really 'think'- almost hunched up physically by my burdens... and then walk out three hours later, laughter still ringing in my ears, shoulders straight and the motivation and attitude to tackle the next problem that comes by. The feeling that I get from helping others at the food bank is one of the best feelings that I have ever known and sometimes find only in the temple. I hope that service will always be a big part of my life.

A quote I read in one of my textbooks later in the day keeps coming back to me - "Giving love is receiving love- In order to experience love, you must be vulnerable to it. When love is given away, it remains with you as well. In fact, love is unique in that the more you give, the more you will have to give and the more that you will receive."

With a smile on my face, I end my day … and wish that I could volunteer everyday!

Migraines and Women

This week in class we studied three neurological disorders extremely common to women; migraine, Alzheimer's disorder and multiple sclerosis. I wanted to take the time to discuss the basics of migraines but also share a small autobiography from an old school friend who still suffers from migraines. I feel like unless you have truly suffered from migraines (or as my friend mentions sensory disorders and/or autism) you can have no idea what it truly is like and a definition will never been able to truly communicate that information to you. I have only had two migraines in my life and I wouldn't wish them on another living soul. I hope this information is not only informative to others, but also a forum for others to share their experiences as well for the education of my readers.

Migraines can be describes simply as a bad headache- however, that simple explanation really doesn't describe the scope, pain or symptoms of this disorder. A migraine can usually be divided into five separate phases called 'prodrome', 'aura', 'headache proper', 'headache termination', and 'postdrome'. While not every migraine sufferer will go through all five of these phases for every migraine, all migraines will usually have a few of these components. Migraines can also be divided into two types- migraines with 'aura' and migraines without. Symptoms of a migraine attack coming can happen a few hours or even days before the onset of the 'headache' and symptoms are not limited to, but can include irritation, euphoria, depression of affect/mood, intolerance of smell or sound that would usually be acceptable, aura, throbbing, pulse-like or pressure-like pain, as well as nausea and vomiting. It can be brought on by such things as inappropriate sleep, hormonal changes or menstruation, fasting, specific foods, environmental factors, possibly stress and even smoking or alcohol.

Some treatments include light medication such as over the counter pain relievers for mild symptoms as well as caffeine. For migraines that are not as mild, there are some pharmaceutical options that can be given orally, subcutaneously, or intra-nasally that have been shown to help. The most commonly used medications depending on symptoms and patient tolerance include Sumatriptan, DHE, anti-nausea medications, opiates, beta blockers, anti-epileptics, hormones such as estrogen and more. Other individuals use chiropractors, massage and acupuncture to control migraine symptoms.

I also got a pretty good biography from a friend -Renee Wrede- about her history and life dealing with migraines. I asked her specifically because I knew that at least for a while she was having them very frequently. What she wrote is a little long and is only lightly edited for spelling.

My hx of migraines
I started to noticed my headaches when I was little - about age 11. I remember pressing the side of my face against the cold window on the school-bus on the way home to relieve some of the hot throbbing pain around my eye/temple area. My family would tell me to lay down with a cool washcloth - but that didn't seem to help. Sleep and pain meds at the time offered limited relief. My PCP at the time told me that I would "grow out of it" - and seem to doubt my headaches - the sensitivity to light, sounds, touch, smell.

At age 13 I had a new doctor who first used the term "migraine" - he was able to describe my pain in detail - it was very validating. By this time I was experiencing weekly migraines and my family did not seem to believe me. By then we had noticed that cocoa triggered my migraines.

My new doctor prescribed a new upcoming pain med at the time (can't spell it) Toridol? It provided little to no relief.

I continued to experienced horrible migraines throughout school - if caught soon enough I was able to tame it down to where I could still function.

In April 2006 when my neck was broke while working with a teenage client my migraines went into overdrive. I struggled with the pain of the undiagnosed break and the migraines that seem to be a result of the break. Days went by without any relief - I was apply ice to the base of my neck as well as my head and face. I received burns for the cold on various parts of my head because covered ice packs were never "cold enough" so I opted to placing ice packs/bags of ice/frozen veggies/frozen juice cans directly on the point of pain.

I went to ER 2 -3 times a week - which eventually labeled me as "drug seeking" - although my tests always came out negative. I was diagnosed with a "mood disorder" because my pain affected my mood and my ability to work/focus/eat/socialize, etc.

8 months after the break the pain of the break had decreased but the migraines were ongoing. By now my migraines always included limited to no vision in my left eye. Black dots or white shimmering "diamond" images danced around my left vision moments before the pain began. I begged to be referred by a Neurologist - Dr. Good enough.
It was Dr. Goodenough who discovered the fracture in my neck. He also encouraged me to record my headaches and pains.

This was very informative - and helped me identify the migraines from the sinus headaches. It also helped me to identify that my hormones play a HUGE part in my migraines - they appear to cycle around my cycle. And Dr. Goodenough prescribed a daily med Topamax to prevent the migraines as well as a Relapax for when the Monster Migraines attacked. It seem to work - my migraines decreased from daily to 14 a month. Pretty good at that time.

I think my stress level, my physical and mental health continues to play a role in my migraines. I am still triggered by smells and cocoa. Now I experience 2-3 migraines a month. Did I mention that I often throw up when I have a migraine - this was particularly painful in 2006 while my neck was healing.

Despite the pain - it often amazes me how all my senses are brought to a new level - I remember laying on the floor in the dark ER bathroom - the only place that sheltered me of the light, limited smells, and muffled the sounds of the ER - and while I groaned with the frozen peas to my head I thought "I can smell bacon - they must be cooking bacon - God I want to throw up and die!" (They were in fact cooking bacon one floor below!) This is what I call the "superman affect" of my migraines - my hearing, smell, sight, touch are so enhanced that it's painful - I can only imagine that this might be similar to the term "sensory overload" that we often use with children an autism diagnoses. It's intense and it's hell.

I think one friend described migraines best when she said "At first you're in so much pain that you fear dying. Finally near the end you're in so much pain that you fear that you'll never die!"

After the break in 2006 - after the mood disorder and drug seeking labels - I wanted my life to end. The constant pain was too much - I couldn't take it any more. One night at the ER I whispered (I can't speak at a normal level during a migraine) - to the doctor on duty to kill me. "If you care about me - you'll kill me now." The room was dark - my boyfriend stood by my bedside - my connection with friends and family had also been affected by my migraines. The ER doctor laughed (loudly) and seem to take my request as a joke. Little did he know that I had already spoken to family members about custody of my son and possible funeral arrangements.

I can totally understand ending your life when you're in so much pain with no end in sight. I am grateful that a friend suggested Dr. Goodenough - it is frustrating that the ONLY assistance and support I received was from a provider whom I had to seek out. However, now I'm in a better place. Life is good - and I have a hard time believing what life was like 4 short years ago.

If you are reading this and suffer from migraines, please feel free to comment anonymously if you wish. If nothing use, I want to have a better understanding of the problems, but I also want to know how I can help people who are having these problems. Understanding the disorder I think will help. :)

Pioneer Day - July 24

On July 24th, Mormons celebrate Pioneer Day. It is an important holiday for my church as well celebrate and remember the sacrifices of the people who came before us. Those thousands of individuals and families who left their homes- whether from persecution in Missouri, Illinois, or their homes in other countries to join the saints in Salt Lake- with a dream and a purpose: to live and worship freely and without fear. (sounds a little like the beginning of the history of the United States, doesn't it?)

I was born into a Mormon family, grew up as a Mormon and pretty much always able to be surrounded by Mormons until I got married and moved to the East Coast. On the West Coast, Mormons celebrate by wearing lots of clothing and parading around in the heat and when the children complain, they are told that the pioneers suffered for days on end the same way and it isn't meant to be 'fun'- we are meant to remember. But what we are meant to remember seems to be foolish in some regards as I grow up. Suffering for a few hours like our ancestors seems to me to not teach us the lesson that is most appropriate. Yes, we learned that they suffered and times were tough. We learned that they were persecuted and treated poorly for what they believed and how they lived.

But these lessons will fade because they are not the most important lesson we should be teaching to ourselves and the next generation. Yes, we will still revere and respect our ancestors and enjoy the stories of them... but life as we age/grow will teach us suffering. We will learn that times now are tough- even if the some of the challenges we face are different. Some of us will learn that our ancestors were not perfect and some even persecuted other innocent people. Some will learn that we still do it in some places where more qualified non-members are not given jobs because they are given to less qualified 'faithful'. (If anyone wonders why there are very few people in Utah that have a neutral opinion of the Mormon church that one example might cue you in.) While the lessons that we should learn and teach our children are the lessons of strength and bravery in the face of the unknown.... the faith to follow your convictions and your heart no matter where it leads you... the confidence in each individuals great worth and the courage to fight and continue in the face of great doubt or even when you realize that you have no choice... but to continue in happiness and faith. That is the lesson that we should be teaching and we need to know for ourselves. It is not an easy or superficial lesson- but it is the most important lesson that we can learn in this life.... and as a Mormon I am grateful to have the ancestry to look back on to remember and ponder these lessons. As a historian and a human, I have thousands of years of collective history to look over and learn from... and almost all roads lead back to these basic lessons.

So many Mormons these days celebrate their pioneer heritage with a few hours of suffering or playacting and the rest of the year with conformity and silence. They do not voice their doubts, fears or concerns about the church or church culture for fear of dishonoring their family and their ancestors (and in turn, their sacrifice.) In my opinion, our ancestor's sacrifice is dishonored by ignoring their example. The lessons that they have given us- sealed by their sweat, toil, tears, songs, and their entire lives and how they lived them... we waste and disregard them by not living up to them. So this special day, this pioneer's day, take a moment to remember the real reason we should celebrate and feel grateful for our heritage. Not that they suffered and died... but that they gave us lessons, examples, and their dreams and hopes to live on in us. Please let us not fail them! Be a modern day pioneer. Do not meekly submit to authority- even to the authority of the church when our ancestors took over a year in travel and struggle and tears to follow their dream and their beliefs and to try and make the world a better place by defying authority. Before you accept doctrines and belief, pray and fast and get revelation that it is right to do so. For I believe, that is what your ancestors would have you do.

PS: I am aware that these thoughts will be offensive to some, but our ancestors defied authority so that they could also practice a form of marriage that is considered unacceptable to many today (including Mormons). Before you decide that you are sure that Heavenly Father hates homosexuals, their families, and their children and they should not have rights because the church tells use that homosexuality is wrong, please pray and do not take that answer solely for granted simply because the church says so. People around the world are dying because they feel unaccepted and Mormons are too. Equal rights is something our ancestors wanted -to be able to live by their beliefs. Joseph Smith said that we respect others beliefs. Please.... this is a matter of life and death. Please think on it... Please.

History of a Song: July - "Put Your Shoulder To the Wheel"

When the pioneers were crossing the country on their way toward the West Coast, most of the pioneers used various carts or other wheeled vehicles for their journey. The origin of the phrase “to put one's shoulder to the wheel” is a phrase that describes the work of leaning against the wheel of the vehicle that is stuck in mud out of a rut and using your physical strength to push the wheel ahead out of the hole, etc... Another way to describe this is “putting in a great effort in order to accomplish a formidable task”. The idea of a 'the shoulder to the wheel' is an ancient one and can be found in one of Aesop's proverbs called “The Tale of Hercules and the Waggoner”. The tale goes as follows...

A Waggoner was once driving a heavy load along a very muddy way. At last he came to a part of the road where the wheels sank half-way into the mire, and the more the horses pulled, the deeper sank the wheels. So the Waggoner threw down his whip, and knelt down and prayed to Hercules the Strong.

"O Hercules, help me in this my hour of distress," quoth he. 

But Hercules appeared to him, and said:

"Tut, man, don't sprawl there. Get up and put your shoulder to the wheel."

The gods help them that help themselves

The author of these lyrics along with the music is Will Lamartine Thompson who was born on November 7, 1847 in East Liverpool, Ohio to a well off family. He began writing music while in his teens and he constantly took notes of any idea, verses, etc... that occurred to him throughout the day. He attended the Boston music school for a few years after reaching his majority and graduating from Mount Union College in Ohio. He then studied advanced music in Germany. He had always wanted to write music and so after many failed attempts at getting his songs published, he started his own publishing company. He wrote both secular and non secular music and he was known by his peers and neighbors as a quiet, good man. He was also known for his travels by horse and buggy from one small community to another throughout Ohio singing his songs to the individuals living there. He was also sometimes called the 'Bard of Ohio'. One of his hymns ( 'Softly and Tenderly, Jesus Is Calling' ) is believed to be the hymn that has been translated into the most languages.

He married Elizabeth Johnson and had one child – a son named William Leland Thompson. He was taking a tour of Europe with his family when he became ill and the entire family cut the trip short and returned home. He died a few weeks later on September 20, 1909 in New York City, New York and was buried in the Riverview Cemetery in East Liverpool, Ohio. By the end of his life, he had written and sold hundreds of songs and sheet music.

This is one of my favorite songs and my son has found a love for it as well. It is energetic and I sometimes use it as motivation for working when nothing else has really helped. Does this song mean anything to you? What images and emotions does it evoke in your mind?

The 'Worst Shark Attack Ever' - An Example of Human Failure and an Easy Scapegoat

"I thought that I had done everything I could, but maybe I could have done more" - from an interview with a survivor of the U.S.S. Indianapolis

The most famous of all shark attacks occurred in July of 1945. I must start by saying that as much as I love sharks.... as much as I am fascinated by them... as much as I would dearly love the opportunity one day to face one and watch one swim in its habitat.... this story brings tears and horror to my heart. I can not even attempt to imagine the fear, the waiting, and everything that the survivors faced. In many ways, those that died were so lucky in that it ended. I cannot imagine endless hours of heat and water and sun and then hours of cold and water and dark interspersed with no food and no water and no way to calm the thoughts in your head. I am not good at that anyway - despair has become so easy over the years of trial and turmoil. And in many ways, those that died took the easy way out for those that survived have so much to teach us. And we have so much to learn. And so little of what we have to learn was about sharks. This may be known as the most famous shark attack in history, but so little of its lessons are truly about sharks. They are more about us and the frailty and courage of the human spirit. They are about how humans think and how we react to adversity.

The U.S.S. Indianapolis delivered an atomic bomb and while on its way to meet up with some other ships, it was hit by two Japanese torpedoes around midnight. The ship sunk within 12 minutes with only 900 of the men aboard able to get off out of 1196 total. By dawn of the next day, sharks had begun to appear. There were very few rafts so most survivors were in life jackets that were designed for about 72 hours worth of use. The survivors were in the water in groups (slowly drifting) for four days and five nights before rescuers came. Some groups did have shark attacks- others never saw a shark attack a living human at all. All thse survivors had to deal with the extreme heat during the day, cold during the night, and the constant exposure of both with little food or water if any. By the time that the rescuers showed up only 317 men were still alive.

The first two hundred deaths are believed to be from injuries caused from escaping the sinking ship. Donald McCall, one of the survivors, when interviewed discussed the pain of jumping from the boat to the water... 60-70 feet below him. He felt that 'his body was being torn in half'. With that many dead people around as well as the living, it is not surprising that sharks did come to investigate. And with only a few exceptions, the sharks were content to eat the dead. After a day or two the sharks were less shy and were willing to try and pick off people on the extremities of the groups. However, it is believed that only about two dozens deaths could be attributed to shark attack (out of almost 900). After the first deaths from injuries sustained from evacuating the ship, the men died from numerous complications. Some died from giving up and drinking the sea water- they would usually die within about five hours sometimes with an hour or two of delirium and hallucinations. Some men got hallucinations and delusions from the extreme exposure, stress and fear. Some crew members died from being attacked by their own groups as members would have hallucinations and fight the people around them or sometimes fights would break out as people attempted to stop other men from drinking the sea water. Disillusionment would also cause fights and contributed to a high level of injury or even death. While some groups did have problems with sharks, others such as the group that was held together by Dr. Hanes lost 300 men to death, but none of the deaths was due to shark attack. George Burgess, a shark expert and the director of the Florida Program for Shark Research from the University of Florida, studied and interviewed as many of the survivors as he could. His estimate is about 12 dozen deaths from shark attack, 500+ from exposure, drowning, salt poisoning, etc..., about 200 from initial evacuation injuries and the remainder of death are attributed to the men who were unable to get off the ship. So while this naval disaster – the worst naval disaster ever in U.S. History- did have problems with sharks, the tales of 'mass shark feeding frenzies' are truly over exaggerated. George Burgess states that in doing this research, he discovered that the 'sharks behaved the way sharks are supposed to behave in their natural environment'.

Unfortunately, the rescue of these men doesn't end the sad and horrifying tale. Later it was discovered that the Navy command knew that this ship was missing and did nothing. They received the distress signal and did... nothing. The survivors were spotted four days later on accident by a passing plane. The public announcement of the disaster was made two weeks later- politically timed to be overshadowed by the announcement of the Japanese surrender. The Captain of the ship, Captain McVay, was then blamed for the accident and court martialed. Later evidence was released that showed he was a scapegoat and that others sent his ship out knowing that the area was not safe, refused his requests for a safety escort, and later ignored evidence in his favor to allow for his successful prosecution. (In 2000, the Japanese commander of the submarine that sunk the U.S.S. Indianapolis and who was a witness as McVay's trial said of the trial - "I had a feeling it was contrived from the beginning." This trial effectively ended his career, but did not end the hate mail and painful phone calls dealing with this event. In 1968, Captain McVay committed suicide with his Navy-issued revolver. Not until several years later, did declassified documents show not only his innocence, but the true and horrifying failures by the Navy mentioned above. In October 2000, President Clinton signed a resolution passed by Congress that ...Captain McVay's record should state that "he is exonerated for the loss of Indianapolis."

The stories of the survivors are of personal courage, fortitude, perseverance – not just stories of sharks and what they do. And the lessons of politics, betrayal, and sacrifice are lessons that we need to keep in mind today as we watch our politicians make decisions for us. We need to remember that sometimes, decisions are made that are truly what is best for the well placed minority and not for the majority of individuals... that many individual lives can and will be sacrificed to make one individual's living easier and more comfortable. That should never be tolerated. In the end, the largest shark attack ever was truly the fault of humans. And was compounded by human error, selfishness, and dishonesty. May all of us take a few minutes to sit and remember those that died and remember their suffering...as well as the suffering of those who lived and pledge to help alleviate suffering that we see in the other people that surround us. Let us remember that human failure accounts for much suffering. Let us remember that we have the power to help. No one else has the power that every individual holds in their own hands. Make it count!