A Conversation With a Friend

I spoke with an old friend a little bit ago. That conversation has been turning around in my head for days. A small piece of it was the casual sorrow that no one had been availed to dress her partner in his temple garments before he was cremated. I have heard so many stories of people who haven't been allowed to help because other family didn't wish it or even the possibility that so many people were available that some would simply be usable to help due to the quantity of volunteers. I have never heard of a church member passing who was unable to be dressed in his temple garments because there was no one who was willing or able to serve. To say that I am appalled suggests a simple emotional response whereas what I feel is much more complex and difficult. As I ponder on that thought and recall experiences of asking for blessings and being unable to get them because priesthood holders were too busy and watching others ask for help and not able to get it either. It's a bit disheartening to see it still happening. I'm a woman and can not given blessings so I can only watch others not get what they need. I am a woman and am limited in what roles I can have in my church. So here I sit and think about all this and wonder when will change happen. When will the church culture stop pulling people in so many different directions so that important service is unable to be performed or even seen as unimportant while decorating for church activities takes more precedence? When will a ward community itself look into each of their hearts and determine that what they want is not to focus on the minutia of culture details and calling desires, but the pure surrender to service. To set aside perfect sacrament programs and instead make sure that shut ins and those in nursing homes get the Sacrament. To have fewer exclusive events that focus on teaching about service and charity... and instead have events that ARE service and ARE Charity. How amazing would it be it the local organizations that support the most impoverished found themselves with no need of volunteers? That families in need were 'adopted' by other families who helped them to get basic needs met, but also mentored and worked with them to find the resources to become more stable on their own. there are some programs that do this- the program in Canada for Syrian refugees comes to mind- what can we as a community of Christ do to create the same amount of successful service? Instead of 'love bombing' people who start to fall away or shunning and ignoring others, what if our focus was pointed so strongly into understanding their needs and to love them that we lost ourselves in the joy of service and love?

I can't change the direction of a culture myself, but I can determine how I respond in it. My response at this point is to move my service and my focus into local groups that are focused on the impoverished.... something I understand a bit to well for my taste. Working with groups that are focused on trying to understand and meet immediate needs for those in my community has been wonderful and I have been amazed at how valued and needed I have felt and how much I have learned. The more I learn, the more I realize how little I have understood about specific topics and I hunger to learn more. This is the service that I feel called to perform. I can't make others see things the same way that I do, but I must confess that I am weary of hearing the stories of people who are not being served in the religious communities that they worship in and I am weary to think that I was one of them.

Dare I ask for all of us to do better... to be better... to reach out to someone everyday and to be the person they need that day? It is the resolution I have for this year and one I feel compelled and called to do. I have hope for a future where I don't hear so many stories of people who are unable to get the help they need. I intend to work as hard as I can to serve better and to seek out those who need me this year. Here's to a focused New Year for all of us!

The Space Between Life and Death

To sit at the bedside of the death of a friend is to look into the gaping mouth of hell. Grief chops at you little by little as their life is slowly drawn away. Sometimes, watching every breathe is painful and you want to see the continued rise of the chest ... and you desperately want it to stop to end the suffering therein. You find yourself stroking the frail frame and speaking of the banal because you can't say all that is in your heart for there are no words... or the words and emotions behind them will not help and will only cause more hurt. So you sit quietly and listen to every breath until you find your own mind and body become the mirror image of the life ebbing away. Your breathing slows and all you can see is the simple image of life and desire intertwined. You start to feel their pain in your own body and your mind whispers the same prayer over and over and over. You don't even feel the tears running down your cheeks and barely notice that you can no longer see as your glasses are coated with the tears that have been falling over your lids for what seems like eternities. You struggle to notice the discomfort in your limbs because your own comfort has fallen behind your one need- to be present in those few moments that will soon be over and will never be repeated. In these moments, I feel my own weakness... my own inability to stop suffering or help to end it. I feel some of my beliefs crumble to ash and I am forced to face the deficits in my faith and my heart. The bone deep weariness that surrounds you feels like the new normal as everything you do brings you back to this single point... sitting in a chair next to a friend... watching the failing physical frame and murmuring to the strong soul within which will soon be released. You watch the seizures and you shake, the breathing and you mirror it, the silence that envelopes you both. For this brief periods of time, I hate death and I pray for it... I push it away as I grasp it... I welcome any positive change even if it means death has won for now. Soon, the mouth of hell will close and only love and grief will live on... but in these brief moments I feel like I learn more about what hell really is and what heaven may be than any Sunday school lesson ever taught. And I do have so much more to learn... so much more...

Sabbath Musings...

Yesterday was the Sabbath and I found myself once again thinking about the different ways that I worship on the Sabbath in comparison to how so many of my spiritual friends do. I found myself thinking about why I have chosen to worship and study this in this manner and found myself wondering how the different choices and things that have happened to come about in my life have caused this breach... so that I have a very different environment but emotionally similar experience to those who formally attend I have come to recognize the stereotypes by which I am judged by my spiritual family- I can recognize and even acknowledge that some of the stereotypes are potentially true if looked at through a very rigid black and white lens. For other stereotypes, I cannot recognize how they fit in my life or experience and so I find myself forced to either ignore or combat them in conversation and every day life. In the way they frame myself my house so recognizes stereotypes it or not true and yet I'm must live them because I am judged by them whether they are true or not. For in the end, I will not stereotype myself but it is beyond my control how people form opinions. So I find myself rethinking and reliving and re-analyzing conversations over the last few years... conversations online or by phone in which I have used the words that sometimes "church is unsafe" and I am immediately and simply told that 'you are offended' and I should chose not to be... How can anyone adequately respond to this accusation to anyone who can confuse the ideas of safety and offense to be one and the same? If you haven't even explained what made the area unsafe to you, what can you say at that point... for the die is cast and the judgment is there and nothing you can say will change the mind of the other. It will simply become more evidence for the case of offense. In essence, the conversation is over with both sides feeling unheard and for the 'offended', the trust to try and engage in the conversation again with anyone may be gone as well.

For many of us, the definition of safety is clear. If you are in an unsafe place, you must leave. If you find yourself standing in the middle of a busy highway, you shouldn't stay. If you are in a place where you are being hit or knocked down, emotionally abused or neglected... well, this is unacceptable. You must leave, you must try to find a way to leave if it is possible. And if it is possible you must 'MUST' try to take others with you if the situation is unsafe for them. You having a moral imperative... you owe your Heavenly parents and your spiritual siblings that much... to try not to leave them in the same situation. How many mothers who are experiencing partner abuse and then find a way to leave do not take their children with them (very few). And in the legal sense, taking their children with them when they run can cause courts to give custody over to the abusive parent (even with clear evidence that the parent is abusive) under the excuse of 'parental alienation'... the word alienation seems appropos to this conversation as well.

As I lay awake this morning, I found myself thinking about a discussion I had almost a year ago about safety and offense. The conversation was initiated by me and was clearly focused on safety... that I didn't necessarily feel safe at church. Within seconds, I noticed that, instead of trying to find out why I felt that way, the conversations very quickly boiled down the idea that I was offended. Only when I suggested that it was 'interesting' that safety and offense were being confused as having the same meanings did the individual step back and then ask the important question- "What is happening, going on that makes you feel unsafe?" By time the conversation moved to that point and due to the forum it was in I didn't answer that question even though the answer sat on the tip of my tongue begging to be spilled out and hopeful of being comforted and even having the situation changed. Over the last year, I have listened to many others talk about the same situations in their lives and watched how only in safe areas they are able to talk and feel comfort, to get suggestions on change and to feel validated and recognized as a person of value. Outside of these safe places, I have rarely seen that- not in my life or in the lives of others that I can participate in. Safety is immediately equated with offense and the cycle of pain continues. I have even seen family members encourage other family members to stay in abusive situations because of this exact problem and only the release of fairly damning and devastating pictures of the physical abuse has been able to change their minds. If you are unable or unwilling to 'blast' these pictures into the world, you are stuck in this impasse in which so many forms of abuse can still continue unchecked. Over the last year, only one thing has become more focuses and clear- that the general unreligious population that surrounds me as well as some other religious populations do not immediately equate safety and offense. What I have seen is that only Mormons and evangelicals too. It goes without saying that this is not a formal study- simply an observation... but it has made me curious. Like a child with a scab half removed, I find myself aching to rip it off and discover why this is so... what is happening under the rough surface and why. I wish I had a quick answer but I am still chewing on this thought and would love more imput on it. What I did discover as I thought of this is that there is some initial evidence that LDS leaders can confuse the two terms as well... or at least use them in the same conversation which can confuse the issue. A three minute search turned up these quotes:

Elder Bednar - "When we believe or say we have been offended, we usually mean we feel insulted, mistreated, snubbed, or disrespected. And certainly clumsy, embarrassing, unprincipled, and mean-spirited things do occur in our interactions with other people that would allow us to take offense. However, it ultimately is impossible for another person to offend you or to offend me. Indeed, believing that another person offended us is fundamentally false. To be offended is a choice we make; it is not a condition inflicted or imposed upon us by someone or something else."

Elder Morrison - "Unfortunately, racism—the abhorrent and morally destructive theory that claims superiority of one person over another by reason of race, color, ethnicity, or cultural background—remains one of the abiding sins of societies the world over. The cause of much of the strife and conflict in the world, racism is an offense against God and a tool in the devil’s hands. In common with other Christians, members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints regret the actions and statements of individuals who have been insensitive to the pain suffered by the victims of racism and ask God’s forgiveness for those guilty of this grievous sin. The sin of racism will be eliminated only when every human being treats all others with the dignity and respect each deserves as a beloved child of our Heavenly Father."

LDS.org - "Abuse is the treatment of others or self in a way that causes injury or offense. It harms the mind and the spirit and often injures the body as well. It can cause confusion, doubt, mistrust, and fear. It is a violation of the laws of society and is in total opposition to the teachings of the Savior. The Lord condemns abusive behavior in any form—physical, sexual, verbal, or emotional. Abusive behavior may lead to Church discipline."

Matthew 18:6 - "But whoever shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea."

President Joseph F. Smith - "We hold that sexual sin is second only to the shedding of innocent blood in the category of personal crimes. … We proclaim as the word of the Lord: “Thou shalt not commit adultery."....It is a deplorable fact that society persists in holding women to stricter account than men in the matter of sexual offense. What shadow of excuse, not to speak of justification, can be found for this outrageous and cowardly discrimination?"

Elder Packer - "But sometimes you cannot give back what you have taken because you don’t have it to give. If you have caused others to suffer unbearably—defiled someone’s virtue, for example—it is not within your power to give it back. There are times you cannot mend that which you have broken. Perhaps the offense was long ago, or the injured refused your penance. Perhaps the damage was so severe that you cannot fix it no matter how desperately you want to."

D&C 54:5 - "And woe to him by whom this offense cometh, for it had been better for him that he had been drowned in the depth of the sea."

Vaughn Featherstone - "The teacher or leader must not only be first in knowledge, in prophecy, and in understanding the mysteries, but he must also be first in performance. I believe that it is not only an offense to the people but also an offense to God when priesthood leaders, teachers, and members of the Church never really get down and serve the people, do not do their duty, do not magnify their callings, and do not fill their stewardships. We ought to bend our backs in our callings in such a way that our words and teachings are always racing to keep up with our acts. In this way we will never become what the Savior referred to as “whited sepulchers”."

President Heber J. Grant - “We believe that the commission of crime should be punished according to the nature of the offense; that murder, treason, robbery, theft, and the breach of the general peace, in all respects, should be punished according to their criminality and their tendency to evil among men, by the laws of that government in which the offense is committed; and for the public peace and tranquility, all men should step forward and use their ability in bringing offenders against good laws to punishment."

Sarah Miller - "Forgiveness is often difficult because offenders may deny their behavior or avoid acknowledging it. Regardless of how the offender responds—even if the perpetrator does not admit responsibility—the person who has been abused can choose to forgive. It is important to note that forgiveness does not necessarily mean forgetting the offense, trusting the offender, or even associating with him or her. However, it does mean letting go of self-destructive anger."

LDS.org - “No man who abuses his wife or children is worthy to hold the priesthood of God. No man who abuses his wife or children is worthy to be a member in good standing in this Church. The abuse of one’s spouse and children is a most serious offense before God, and any who indulge in it may expect to be disciplined by the Church”

I intentionally did not pick and choose- rather, I choose these quotes as they cropped up. Some suggest a definition of the word offense which feels more typical, while others do use the word in to describe behavior in situations that are clearly unsafe. In my mind, racism in many forms makes a congregation unsafe for people of color... and homophobic language and behavior can cause our congregations to be unsafe for it's LGBTQI members. Abuse is a safety issue to me... anything that causes real injury is a safety issue and if we admit that behavior has happened in which we 'cannot mend what has been broken', I think it is safe to say that isn't general offense in any use of the word. So, maybe I am splitting hairs or being too particular about how I think about these things, but this is how I think about things. I found out a while ago about a ward that had a convicted pedophile attending and it was decided to not tell anyone outside of a few people in the ward so that he wouldn't be 'judged'... but these same men who kept it quiet allowed other people to let this man spend time alone with their children... yet quickly removed their children from these situations. IS this a safety issue... Well, if you feel the need to remove your own children, but ignore the potential for other children... then yes it is a safety issue and you as the authority holder are complicit in any harm caused.

If you get physical sick going into a building almost every time, it is a safety issue and not offense.

If you are targeted by a member of the church who intentionally over a significant period of time does thinks to cause physical harm to you and your family, who will not quit when confronted and you are then told you need to forgive... while the same bullying behavior is being repeated and condoned... that is a safety issue- period.

If you have authority and use your authority to harm others even when shown evidence of the harm you are causing, that is a safety issue.

What this exercise has given me is a few thoughts. I am able to recognize that some things I am holding onto are because the 'offense' was pretty painful, but not necessarily a safety issue... in that sense, I will admit to being offended. However, in the end, safety is a priority and there is simply too much at risk for me at this point. I may be seen as offended... so I guess I will accept that. I will admit that this new realization brings no joy with it. More thought and prayer will be added to the equation, but I see no change ahead. Maybe that is a good thing as people who say they are friends also judge and disappear. The people who have been the most loyal to me in this life have rarely been found in spiritual communities, but have been found in the living of my daily life... through a stopped car on the road, a co-worker who is friendly, a letter from a distance challenged friend speaking of love and encouragement.... these are the friends and community best nurtured and kept close. Maybe spiritually is best kept between you and the Lord, with study and prayer and revelation... where safety is easily found and offense can be more appropriately wrestled with as a key to understanding yourself and not a judgement made in dismissal. Maybe...

Notice

I gave notice at work today. It felt very brave as I do not have another sure fire job lined up and in some ways quiting can be seen as a pretty stupid move without something else in the bag. I must confess the feeling of relief and peace I feel is pretty overwhelming. It's a mark of how bad things are when you tell your boss that you are leaving and his first words are "You can't do that - we love you! What did we do to you..." That is such an interesting way of responding- control, need, and then acknowledgment that the environment is so poor I must be leaving due to poor treatment. And he's not wrong... I am. It took a few hours to really sink in for him and at one point he asked if I was really serious I must be kidding (I'm not). In the end, I tentatively agreed to stay per diem for a few weeks and see how that goes, but I think my heart is already gone. I love Lily and Sara and Toni and Jane- I have some amazing co-workers- but the damaging culture is just too much. The peace I feel with making the decision even though this decision will create more trials for me is profound. I am so grateful for the ability and opportunity to kneel in prayer and discuss my concerns and to feel heard most of the time... even when I do not like the answers. I am not totally sure how I am going to move forward right now... or at least I haven't pinpointed a firm direction and focus. But I am content with my current choice so let's see where it leads me... and celebrate with french fries (doesn't everyone? :D )

On a silly note, I enjoyed my Valentine's day with my kitties very much and there was much love all around. There is much to be thankful for.

Thoughts on Courage- Sacrament talk 7/13/14

So, I gave a talk in Sacrament meeting this morning. For those of you who were unable to attend this morning and are interested this is a basic outline of the talk. Have a wonderful Sabbath day. :)

Good morning, Brothers and Sisters. I am not up here very often so I ask that you please bear with me as I struggle to find a way to articulate the ideas that I feel impressed to share today. When I was asked a few weeks ago to speak and was given a topic, I felt many things but my most overwhelming feeling was sadness. I do not feel that I have a good understanding of the topic nor do I believe it is an attribute that I have much of. After prayer and much reflection, I feel a little more able to discuss some aspects of it. As such, I wish to take a few moments of your time to speak about courage.

Courage is defined as the ability and willingness to do something that frightens you. All of us at some point in our lives have had to figuratively reach into the recesses of our soul to find the motivation and strength to confront or act in ways that we perceive and feel inspired are right and just... but are not easy choices and may come with consequences that are not always positive and joyful. It is this quality of heart and mind that may enable us to do the 'hard' things in the face of intimidation, fear and even physical pain and death. One thing that I feel like I have discovered in my reflections on courage is that, at least for me, it is easier to see and recognize courage in other people. The scriptures and history books are fairly riddled with individuals that we describe as courageous and we look up to for their actions... some of which have given a voice and freedoms as well as rights to all of us that we sometimes take for granted and do not always recognize often the pure blessings that we have been given and the pain, sweat and tears that have been sacrificed by others so that we may have fewer obstacles and challenges in our daily lives. To be frank, courage is sometimes being scared to death.... but doing the right thing anyway.

However, it feels important to take some time to recognize courage in its less celebrated and recognized forms... because to do so helps us to see and cherish it in ourselves and others. Brothers and Sisters, please take this opportunity to not only look inward but to look around you and you will not be able to ignore the clear but unspoken signs of courage around you. For some of our members, it takes significant and unmistakeable courage to accept a calling that they fear, to attend church or other social functions. For some of our friends and family, it may take all the hope and strength they possess to do what many of us consider a simple task- the ability to get out of bed in the morning.... the will to eat... the struggle to get through daily tasks that may sometimes appear insurmountable. For many people, courage is not just a byword or a famous name, but an unnamed part of their daily struggle. Lucius Seneca once wrote “Sometimes even to live is an act of courage.” Lauren Raffio is also quoted as saying “ Sometimes the biggest act of courage is a small one.” I know that I have felt so blessed and have gained strength for myself in my struggles as I have watched the courage of other members and tried to help them in their trials. I remember a talk in general conference a year or so back that discussed how trials are not always meant for the individual but for those around them... to help the community and the family of the afflicted to gain strength, understanding and more love. It comes to mind that we can only gain these things... the knowledge needed for more understanding, the ability to love more, and to find the power and motivation to gain strength if we are willing to use courage and to step into a situation and a pain that frightens us. Only by opening ourselves up can we gain these great blessings.

C.S. Lewis once wrote “Courage is not simply one of the virtues but the form of every virtue at the testing point which means at the point of highest reality.” When we look at courage through this lens, we can more easily recognize its presence in our hearts, our minds and in many of the choices we make. So it is important to stop and recognize why Heavenly Father has given his children the ability of courage to begin with. When human beings are presented with a different perspective, we usually initially react with either fear or love. These two powerful emotions are contradictory to each other and fear is part of our human experience...a trial that courage can help us to deal with.

2 Timothy 1:7 reads – For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

I believe that we have been given the ability of courage to help each and everyone of us to struggle forward against the strong forces of fear that are invasive in our lives. One way to remove fear from our lives is given to us in....

1 John 4:18 – There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear.

To increase the amount of compassion and love we have for ourselves and others also takes courage as well as hard work. We can not increase our courage or love without actively working to do so. Prayer, introspection, study... all are needed for this difficult task. For those who believe that love and empathy towards others is a form of weakness I would ask you to please take a moment to examine that idea. Yes, allowing yourself to love leaves you more vulnerable to pain, uncertainty and despair. However, to have true love and compassion in this world of cruelty, judgment and fear... a person is also showing courage. And by doing so, we also open ourselves up for higher amounts of joy and happiness in our lives. Brothers and Sisters, weakness is not a sin no matter how often we tell ourselves it is. In an epistle to the Corinthians (2 Corinthians 12:10) Paul writes: “Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ’s sake: for when I am weak, then I am strong.”

Which brings us back to the idea that courage is a virtue to be found at every testing point and it becomes easier to see how necessary it is in our lives. So knowing and understanding how important the virtue of courage is.... understanding that it actually makes all the other virtues possible... how can we help ourselves develop this virtue and become a more courageous person? And how can we help others to grow and do the same? From the scriptures I read, it seems clear that love is a big part of how we develop and use courage. Another scripture:

Psalm 31:24 says– 'Be of good courage, and he shall strengthen your heart, all ye that hope in the Lord.'

When I read this scripture I felt like what it was saying that another way to develop courage is to develop our faith and on this foundation, we are able to release the grip on some of the fear that binds to our minds. Another way to develop faith as a foundation for courage is to strengthen our spirits... to do things that allow you to keep the Holy Ghost with you consistently and to feel his presence and the sense of peace he brings. It is hard for fear to bind to your mind when the holy spirit is cradling your soul to him feeding it peace and assurance. It is hard for fear to grab any hold on us for long periods of time when we are consistently acting against it.

Another thing that we can do is to truly look into our hearts and acknowledge where we are weak and fearful. I am not suggesting that anyone takes the time to sit and mentally berate themselves for their weaknesses or their infirmities. For anyone to understand where they are weak, they must also take the opportunity to recognize the areas that they are strong. So please, take the opportunity when being introspective to think positively and recognize you and what you are in its whole spectrum of being. And where you discover things that you want to change or recognize are weaknesses, start the process of trying to change it. Because when it comes to changing fear, there is only one surefire way that I know to truly get past it and extinguish it. When it comes to fear, the only way out is to go through it- to force yourself to face what you are afraid of. The more you do it, the more your mind and body lower the fear response until it becomes a barely recognizable murmur in the background... easily ignored. Practice courageous acts! Pray for the strength and courage to make those small steps forward.

Brothers and Sisters, I want to apologize. I have had several times in the past that I have struggled with compassion for some of you. I still struggle with anger for past hurts and injustices that I feel keenly in my heart. I can testify to you that what has helped the most in my healing process is to pray to know better those who I feel have not understood me and to do things that are really hard and frighten me. It I am going to be honest though.... I think most everything frightens me. :) I tend to worry that since I am imperfect I will cause harm and pain to others and that fear can sometime make it hard to do most anything with others. I am very grateful for your understanding and compassion towards me even with my faults and my many, many mistakes. If I have offended or hurt any of you, I beg for your forgiveness. I feel so sad at the idea that any of you might struggle with pain that I have caused. I hope that as we go to our meetings today and as we leave to continue the daily grind so to speak.... Well, I hope that each of you will take a moment to recognize the good and strong spirit that you have, to take the opportunity to look inward and recognize the things in your life and about yourself that you fear.... and to make your first steps towards using your courage to confront and change them. If you need help, ask! Our leaders are able to help us and to get inspiration on your behalf. Listen and pray as much as you need to. And when the fear gets to be too much, recognize it, rest and gain the strength and courage to fight it some more. I pray that we can all do better. And I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

2014 Poetry Corner # 10 : "A Wish and Wonderment on Souls"

I've heard about her early years
in whispers, deflection and silence
The last to join her family unit
God's gift to those around her
in an environment of pain and loss and death
She brought life and love and need

I knew her when she was young
full of energy, bright, happy and yet
Social cues unexplored and anger palpable
just below the surface of her skin
her speech garbled, quick and unfathomable
except to her mothers and brothers

I've watched her grow into her frame
now tall, beautiful and voluptuous
her voice, clear and kind... a smile on her lips
a few close friends by her side
her soul and thoughts much better hidden
the pain lessening and more easily concealed

I wish that we could still be close
I wish that I could see through her eyes
Back into the recesses of her mind
Her loves and joys and pain and fears
to know her more and how to help
to feel her in my life

While she is close, she is still far
in both her mind and spirit
circumstances and misunderstanding
widen the fog and gulf around us.
Two electrons around a powerful nucleus
unable to do more than look and travel past

I can keep trying, to pray, to hope
but I must also recognize
that maybe things cannot be mended
during our short sojourn of life
I wonder if she thinks the same

Will we know each other and still smile
as I grow old and gray
As she holds children, a spouse, a job
my life closing off, slowing down

I pray that we will find a way
to see, understand and love
To find the closeness that we once had
with new love and joy entwined
If nothing else, if my hopes are dashed...
I will always remember her spirit :)

Blessings....

As I was sitting this evening and thinking upon my challenges that seem to fill my thoughts lately, I decided to think of some blessings that I have instead. I suspect that I should have been able to think of many, many more than I did... but I'll share the ones that really stuck with me tonight.

1. I have the most wonderful son. There is so much I want for him and while I do not see him as much as often as I would like, but I can think about him and pray for him as often as I would like and that is a wonderful blessing too. :)

2. I received a wonderful blessing last Wednesday. That blessing and the words that I received as well as the thoughts were so uplifting-so great- that they have sustained me throughout the hours since. The brother who gave it to me probably can not have a full picture or depth of what he gave me. I am more grateful than I can say.

3. I have good friends... too many to list! Some that are on my mind today are Katey B., Sarah F., Becky K., Darla A., Linda R., and Kim B.. You all know who you are and how much I love you!

4. I have pets and companions ho show caring and appreciation for me... who seem to see my every need and my words as something worthy of note... I won't say that they always fulfill them, in fact, sometimes I think they laugh at me. But the best companion is a honest and loving one. :)




5. I have a job. I can work and earn money and learn and enjoy other people. It's wonderful!

6. I had cash this week for a few emergencies, lunch, a taxi, and medicine – a rare occurrence and a piece of luck that I would never have expected.

7. I can see the world around me- the shapes, people, and even most of the detail. I can see light and the trickle of the rain on the windshield of my car and sitting like fat, dewy tears on the mall blades of grass poking up from the moist ground.

8. I have the ability to chose to fast to try and gain inspiration or healing. Some people fast pretty consistently because they do not have food ...or at least not enough of it. The ability to do so... to chose to do so... and to pray, showing my willingness to sacrifice and my desire for inspiration is a blessing all on its own.

9. I live in a cute place surrounded by deer, squirrels, turkeys, and many other birds and amphibians. The opportunity to it and just watch... to focus on my small presence in this large world is beautiful and something I do not take for granted.





10. I have two unbroken feet- enough said. ;)

11. I can muster up so much courage when I need too... a skill I never knew I possessed early in life and have gained through the years of adversity and growth.

12. My ability to stretch and grow while not breaking is still functional inside me. I can sometimes find myself surprised by how much growth can hurt, but afterward I can feel the peace and stability that comes with the stretching and lengthening. This ability is a gift from Heavenly father that I am constantly reminded of. A conflicting and wonderful gift.

13. The blessing of a brief few moments of the day in which to listen to the silence.

14. For my very breath... as my chest rises and falls I do not tend to think of it and yet it goes on keeping me here and reminding me of my own mortality and the miracle of my existence.

What gifts and blessings are you thankful today? Will you share?

2014 Poetry Corner # 6 - "Gratitude"

As I put pen to paper I reflect
on the blessings in my life

Food and shelter and a bed
to keep me warm at night

Cats aplenty and friends to love
and quiet time to pray

how grateful I am and how I wish
that all could say the same

2014 Poetry Corner # 4 - "The Unexpected Change"

Relief, sweeping relief
the surprising news comes
My heart feels lighter, suspended
the fear is dissolving, the air more clear
Tears pour down with gratitude
Nothing has changed... just one small tweak
yet the whole world is righted
moving forward feels possible, even doable

Thank you, Father... thanks for hearing
the prayer I didn't dare dream … or whisper

My Recent Confusion on Forgetting... :)

I was listening to a testimony in church almost two weeks ago and one phrase from a speaker has been rolling around in my head off and on. I thought it was an interesting perspective on things that we don't like that have happened to us.

“Sometimes events happen because there are reasons for them... and so we should not forget them.”

In the most recent conference talk titled “Look Ahead and Believe” by Elder Edward Dube, he tells a story about a conversation with his mother when he was younger. He was pleased and proud of how much work he had accomplished with his mother that day and wanted her to stop working to look. Her response was “Edward, never look back. Look ahead at what we still have to do.” A beautiful talk to listen too and I liked the thoughts he expressed. When I was listening to this testimony, this story came back to me as an interesting juxtaposition to the phrase that had just been uttered... and yet the more I have thought about it I feel like the phrases, while appearing to be opposites actually compliment each other.

All of us have had experiences that we have struggled with and tried to come to terms with in our lives. The number of people with PSTD around the globe is expanding as just a small example of those who are dealing with extraordinary circumstances and trauma and the challenges that they face from it. If there is anyone on this earth would has lead a challenge and struggle free life... I would like to chat with them because I just I can't fathom that they actually exist. :) So when I have had challenges and confusion and struggled to move forward and deal with the trial at hand, much of the advice that people have given me (and I have been taught through lessons and experience over the years) has been to ponder, pray and recognize that these trials and sorrows are for our good and for personal growth. And so as you move ahead in life, you should always look forward to where you are going and not dwell on the past. From some lessons and from things people have told me, they seem to be able to forget these trials in their present and so it's almost as if they have never happened. I will admit that I do not think that at least right now I am built that way. I try to forget and I try to forget but the bigger the impact it had on me, the less successful I seem to be. So I find myself remembering really bad things and situations that caused pain and remorse... sometimes through my own actions and sometimes for reasons that I can't find a way to blame myself for- I'm pretty good at blaming myself actually.

So when I heard that phrase … to suggest that we should not forget, I was momentarily frozen while my brain tried to process what that really meant. It seemed so different from many things I've heard... Yet as he continued to keep speaking, I found that my brain was no longer there. It was dicing and processing and taking apart every bit of this phrase and the story by Elder Dube and the confusion the thoughts were created. Like a strong tangle to two wires, both true and unbreakable, but impossible to separate. And over time, I think I finally really got it. When I stopped trying to separate the tangles of wire and tried to understand I recognized that in different working both men said the same thing. Events that happen in our lives do happen for reasons- whether through consequences of our own free agency or even because of someone else... or even because we need the trial to teach us, to strengthen us, and to mold our spirit into a more malleable shape for the Lord to refine. And there are reasons that we should never forget them. These experiences have developed the individual that exists today. The biases, perspectives and thoughts of the person exist and have been shaped by these struggles and their existence- to pretend or forget why the person is the way they are is to forget who the individual is. But to stand backwards, looking back in pleasure at what all we have accomplished over time and not focus on what needs to happen in the future is also not correct. Because if we allow ourselves to become stuck in past pain and sorrow, we force ourselves into a very difficult trap. We can no longer try to grow and move forward and are simply stuck.... trapped in a vortex of pain and misery that will seem never ending and will be never ending unless we can find a way forward.

This is why the balance is needed. We need to remember, to understand ourselves and our past, to see how we have become who we are today. Yet we need to be able to let go of the pain and the blame -whether towards others or ourselves- to move forward towards the joy and exaltation that we seek. A challenging balancing act to be sure... For those of you reading, what techniques have you used in your life that have been successful in helping maintain this even path forward? What hasn't worked for you? If you feel stuck and trapped, what things might you be able to do to move forward and release yourself from the painful snare you are in?

Merry Christmas to All!

I am not sure how I feel about Christmas this year. I certainly haven't gotten myself in the right frame of mind with all the schooling and everything. I haven't even gotten the cards out yet.... crap! So expect them late :) I did want to wish everyone a great Christmas though. I hope that during this season that you are able to bring the things that matter to you closer to your heart. That you will feel peace and some rest and be able to enjoy the blessings that you do have... even if you wish or need to have more. I ask that you take the time to pray (or have a minute of silence) for your family and those you know that struggle and who may not feel the love and peace of the season that many of us take for granted. And smile, for the solstice is past and the days are lengthening. Spring is coming. Remember the reason for the season. Both as a time of new hope for the warmth will return and as the chosen time to remember the birth of Jesus Christ and the teachings and hope he gives to so many of us. I plan on spending the day with Bug and in contemplation... and in the pile of schoolwork that I still have. May you have a great day as well. :)

Happy Thanksgiving! :)

This post is most of my notes from a talk that I gave in Sacrament meeting last Thanksgiving. I thought that I would share it here. Happy Thanksgiving, my friends :)

I am very honored to have the opportunity to speak on this Sabbath day. I have been given the topic of gratitude and what it means to me. I found this topic a little difficult because of my current and recent challenges but also because I believe that gratitude is seen by many as a noun... something you have... whereas I guess I see gratitude as a verb and something that must constant be active to be useful. The ability to see shortcomings or to find things to complain about is easy. In some ways, self pity and other self absorbing emotions or behaviors as easy as well. But the cultivation of true gratitude in our lives is more difficult. True gratitude often includes a sense of gratitude that is combined with a sincere desire to repay others for what we have been given. This is not to say an external or imposed obligation is what is suggested. This sense of obligation that comes with our thankfulness arises naturally within us as a recognition of our blessings and how we have been supported and cared for by others. To be blunt, gratitude is not the same as indebtedness.

Gratitude is such a simple word and yet, this word describes an act, attitude and lifestyle that is complex, intricate, requires sincere introspection, and is one of the most important aspects of the gospel. We cannot truly live the gospel or understand the Atonement itself without some strong understanding of the idea and necessity of this emotion. A few scriptures help illustrate this:

DC 46:7 - But ye are commanded in all things to ask God, who giveth liberally; and that which the Spirit testifies unto you even so I would that ye should do in all holiness of heart, walking uprightly before me, considering the end of your salvation, doing all things with prayer and thanksgiving, that ye may not be seduced by evil spirits, or doctrines of devils, or the commandments of men; for some are of men, and others of devils.

DC 78:19 - And he who receiveth all things with thankfulness shall be made glorious; and the things of this earth shall be added unto him, even an hundred fold, yea, more.

An ancient Roman Philosopher (Cicero) once stated “Gratitude is not only the greatest of the virtues but the parent of all others.” A strong foundation of gratitude in our lives is necessary for all of us and more especially when we are faced with challenges. Sometimes our trials will make us feel weak – whether it is a weakness in our physical body, our spirit, or other difficulties.... gratitude gives us a foundation with which to begin to become stronger. Sometimes, in our weaknesses, this is the only step that we are able to take to help ourselves. In our moments of devastation and despair how many of us have been able to pray to our father and thank him for the things and blessings that we have? If you have been able to do this at times in your life, do you remember the comfort and peace you felt from what would seem a simple act?

A well known LDS speaker (Meg Johnson) once said “gratitude from your mouth is “thank you” and gratitude from your heart is “I love you” This week, most of us here had the opportunity to celebrate the holiday of thanksgiving. Some of us met with family members, traveled distances to join with relatives... and many of us celebrated by eating too much food. :) Thanksgiving as a national holiday is only one day a year, but we as members of this church know that we need to give thanks and show gratitude on a daily basis- in our prayers, in our thoughts, in our attitudes. My brothers and sisters, do we remember to give thanks....?

In my life that I have when I sit down quietly and begin to thank Heavenly Father for them. During times of great struggle (and there have been a few) I have found that one of the ways I am able to find a way to smile and continue my responsibilities and trying to move forward in my goals is to sit down with pen and paper and just quietly think and write all the blessings that would come to mind. After a few minutes of this intentional introspection I would find it almost impossible to continue feeling sad or picked on or the pain of the struggle I cannot say hat those feelings truly went away but I have found that gratitude helped make those feelings seem less enormous and less dragon-like and overwhelming. No matter what the circumstances in your life all of us have so much that we can be grateful for... we just need to pause and look for them. Gordon B Hinckley said “ When you walk with gratitude, you do not walk with arrogance and conceit and egotism, you walk with the spirit of thanksgiving that is becoming to you and will bless your lives.”

What can we do to help promote the feelings and attitude of gratitude in our lives? One thing that we can do is to actively work on being positive and to actively fight our human tendencies to complain, to look out for ourselves and not others and to see the negative more easily than the generous amounts of 'positive' things in our lives. Taking the time and mental focus to 'catch' ourselves when we are freeing negatively, when we are expressing and focusing on the negatives in our lives... and to work to change these thoughts and behaviors can make big differences in our lives. Even small steps and attempts can make huge changes.

Brothers and Sisters, Jesus himself has given us so many examples of gratitude. Two that come immediately to mind is the miracle of the loaves and fishes (Matthew 15:4) and the miraculous healing of the ten lepers. All were so thankful for food and healing and felt peace and joy for the gift, but how many showed gratitude to the Savior for the gift itself? Of the lepers, we know that only one took the time to express his gratitude to the Savior. The lepers were clearly pleased and thankful for the wonderful opportunities that were now available to them... so happy that they were unable to do anything but immediately jump into the activities and opportunities that they now could enjoy and not giving a thought to the giver.

How many of us become so excited and pleased at the gifts that we are given that we too forget to show gratitude for the blessings and gifts that we are thankful for? And how often are we unable to see past the negative thoughts and emotions we struggle with over the blessings that we feel we lack and deserve? C.S. Lewis once said “not only heaven but all this earthly past will have been heaven to those who are saved.” Can you imagine? As we work towards a greater sense of gratitude in our lives, our trials can become easier to bear. When we focus on what we have and not what we lack, we can find true joy in our lives now... and not have to wait for the perfect time or place! What a wonderful blessing all on its own!

I hope and pray that we as individuals can put forth more of our energy towards a true sense of gratitude in our lives and the lives of those around us. I say these thoughts in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

'Horcruxes' and a Lack of Appropriate Circumspection

“How did Ginny get like this?” he asked slowly.

“Well, that's an interesting question” said Riddle pleasantly. “And quite a long story. I suppose the real reason Ginny Weasley's like this is because she opened her heart and spilled all her secrets to an invisible stranger.”

“What are you talking about,” said Harry.

“The diary,” said Riddle. “My diary. Little Ginny's been writing in it for months for months and months telling me all her pitiful worries and woes....”

“So Ginny poured out her soul to me….”

“...but there isn't much life left in her. She put too much into the diary, into me...”

“Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets”


In the Harry Potter series, I was introduced to the idea of a horcrux- an object in which a person “places a piece of their soul.” A horcrux is a terrible object and the idea of slashing your soul into pieces is so abhorrent (at least to me.) But over some time, I started to wonder if unintentionally I had possibly 'created' my own horcrux. The recognition of that fact totally freaks me out... and I have spent the last few months really coming to terms with that. I talk to a counselor, I pray and I try to work on changing some of the thoughts and that has helped, but in the end I am still forced to recognize that I gave so much of myself to two other people... who I feel have efficiently taken a part of me and left the rest...

I recognize that a horcrux in the Harry Potter sense isn't a real object. I am certainly not confessing to any form of murder or hatred that I could channel to even attempt to create one in that sense. But I am an open person and I did have two great friends. My life will never be the same without my husband and the irony that he doesn't feel that I gave him enough of myself is hard to really understand as I feel the loss and the pain. Nothing seems to change the thoughts and feelings that I have lost everything and I don't even understand why. And to lose my very best female friend at that time has probably helped cement that feeling of loss, fear and ambivalence about the future. I had my life planned out and all of those plans feel trite and unattainable now. I truly feel like I placed all my hopes, my happiness and so much of who I am in these two people. A part of me wonders if I can ever feel whole again. A small part of me feels so apathetic about it that I'm not sure if I even care. And another part of me is so angry... because maybe I wouldn’t feel this way if I had poured most of myself into the Savior. While I feel like I have faith and a firm testimony, I also feel like I trusted these people more than I trusted Heavenly Father and the most powerful advocate that I could ever have. Either that …. or I have trusted them so much that I didn't feel like either the Father or the Son could actually hurt me... maybe so I didn't understand how being open and honest with others can really, really hurt? Not sure. In the end, I do not think anyone except my mother has caused me to feel so much pain in this life.

So over the last few months, I have worked hard to do (or not do) a few things. I have really tried to focus on opening more spiritual doors. One thing that I thought was really silly but I really think has been amazing is that I have picked up some of the materials that were written with a new investigator of Christ in mind and have actually sat and not only read, but even though I felt a little silly I tried to think about and answer all the questions. Another aspect about myself that I am finding uncomfortable is the idea that I no longer want to share with people. People who want to be my friend and who want to try and help me, good friends... It is so easy to just shrug or say that I'm fine than try to admit to the pain in my heart. Heck, I'm finding it challenging to admit to things that are good and I wonder if I feel so much fear and defensiveness that I do not feel like I can share because I am worried that these good things will be taken away from me. If that's not a silly fear, I don't really know what is. So I am trying to fight that feeling and that 'need' to conceal. It's a bit tough to acknowledge how hard it is to fight these feelings... where my soul yearns to speak, but my head clamps down and my tongue is silent or flippant or even diversionary. Anything to keep the questions at bay, to feel less fear, less concern.


I have been accepting callings and really trying to fulfill them. I have tried that in the past but it feels different now. I feel like if I fail or do not succeed at a calling now I haven't just failed myself... I have failed Heavenly Father. Maybe I should have felt that way in the past... maybe I shouldn't feel that way now. I don't know, but there is a sense of urgency about my callings that I have not felt in this way before. In the past, my focus as been really on the people I am trying to help and that has been how I have fulfilled my callings. I have prayed or focused on what people need and tried to take care of those needs and so a calling felt very personal and humbling. My callings still feel personal and I still have a lot of focus- I need it to accomplish them- but there is a small string of fear attached to every decision now. What people really think really matters so much? If I forget to do something and someone decides to lose their testimony or quit, I fear my part in it. Rationally I recognize that people are allowed to make their own decisions, that I just need to do the best that I can and that's all that is expected of me, but that doesn't remove the fear. So I focus on the callings with two emotions that I have never had attached to a calling before- a feeling of frenzy and need to be exceptional... or the feeling of ambivalence, that nothing I do matters as it will never be good enough. I am trying to actively try and fight both emotions now as I don't think either one is OK or good for me.

I guess in the end, I am actively trying to pick up the pieces of my soul and my life and move on. I am not sure that I can ever really feel whole again in the sense that I did before. I don't think I am the same person nor can I be. In some ways, I think I did create a horcrux because a part of me is gone and feels destroyed. Unlike a horcrux though, I feel like maybe I can use the magic of the Atonement and love to fill the empty spots. It will never be the same and I do wish it could be, but maybe the difference will be better for me and I can feel whole again. I would really, really like that. If anything, that is what my prayers are focused on now. Moving forward and moving on. Feeling loved and whole. May I get there soon. :)

2013 Poetry Corner # 2 : Evening Prayer

The best moment of the day
To kneel in the quiet
Surrounded by darkness
My mind jumbled and crowded
… a moment to settle
… a deep breath

The words form slowly and then come
Tumbling and rushing down
My waterfall of thoughts
Pouring and crashing into silence
… my tears fall
… my heart pleading

The thoughts form patterns
My mind will clear
The heart feels lighter
My soul feels peace
… my head sinks
… sleep comes

Horizontally, the moment ends
Claimed by exhaustion...
May it come again!

A Temple Day

… and one that was amazing I might add! I am so excited to share it!

So last Saturday was set for a branch temple trip. A day that so many people were going to come down and watch a wonderful couple get their endowments and then the whole family would get their sealing. I agreed to come and watch children at the nearby church so that whole families could come and other couples could actually do endowments with each other instead of the more usual (one person stays home watching their children and the other gets to go to the temple.) When I agreed several weeks ago, I didn't really have any idea of the full emotional challenges that I would be hit with this week, but I actually should have known... any trip to the temple is usually preceded by challenges so that I have to really actively and painfully force myself forward and those challenges do not end until I get to the temple... or at least a few hours into the drive. This week was no exception... although I think that the challenges I have faced this week were a bit more than I have ever experienced and they never were truly able to be left behind this visit.

So after some initial difficulty of getting into the church building we got all the children in and set in the nursery and the gym. A few Kindles were passed around and my computer was happily enjoyed for a few games of 'Plants vs Zombies.' The younger ones came into the nursery and we found many toys and fun. I got to officially meet a new member of the ward and for the next few hours I lost myself in the task of watching several children – I think eleven at the highest count. Helpers came and went , but the children were a constant and they gave me so many laughs and so much joy. A few things really stick out about this time.

1. At one point early in the day I was asked a question by one of the sisters that I answered honestly, but with great difficulty. I was able to turn away to hide my distress and I think that I managed to actually hide most of it (I'm not foolish enough to think I hid all of it... I think that sometimes my pain seeps through my pores and is always visible no matter how much I try to smile) The second I turned and closed my eyes I was tackled by a beautiful child named Claire. She wrapped her arms around me in a big hug and gave me a kiss..... and then went back to what she had been doing. I am not sure why she did it, but it meant the world to me. I felt this outpouring of love and care that pushed the tears down brought a genuine smile to my face. I felt more confident and just took a deep breath and dived into the work with most of my soul and not just my body.

2. One of the younger girls asked me to help her use the bathroom. I walked to the bathroom with her and stood outside while she completed her business and when I walked into the room to help her finish, she gave me one of the most wonderful lessons I have ever received from a child. She carefully explained that some boys may look like girls... they might have long hair or wear earrings, but she knew a sure fire way to tell the different. See, girls ALWAYS use toilet paper when they use the toilet, but boys will only use toilet paper when they poop. So, she explained, if I am ever in doubt as to whether someone is a boy or girl... I can follow them to the bathroom and spy to find my answer. (I am still laughing about this!)

3. At one point , I was reading a book called “The Tawny, Scrawny Lion' out loud to a room full of children and one of them came and leaned up close. Her name is Kess and she was so interested and was leaning so close I thought she might climb into my lap at one point. I have never really spent any time with her before so it was nice to get to know her a little better on this trip.

After 2pm, I was able to head up to the temple and do baptisms. And to my surprise, even though I was over 1/2 an hour late and wasn't even sure I could sneak in... they were just starting! So I was able to change and join the group. This was the first time that Kess and her mother had ever been to the temple to do baptisms and I earned something really, really quickly... I am not the only person with severe sensory problems in my branch. The idea of total immersion was clearly fearful and terribly uncomfortable for them both. Both of them managed to do one baptism each and it was an amazing experience to view these brave women, struggling so hard to do something that other people find easy or take for granted. Baptisms used to be very uncomfortable for me with my sensory problems and I have really had to work with my body to make them something I can do and still feel the spirit. At one point when Kess was trying so hard to figure out how to do the baptism through her fear, I realized that I was praying and begging so hard for her to be able to conquer her fear for the few seconds it would take.... and I realized that everyone else was too. All the people waiting in the chapel were standing at the window watching, the men around the font, and the rest of us.... just silently pleading with the Father to help her. And she did it! She managed to do it and I am so grateful to have witnessed such a wonderful and brave act. I was so blessed to be there and I am so grateful for the examples that so many wonderful people give me.

After the baptisms and confirmations we started home. I was riding with some friends and they gave me a tour of Kittery and also took me to see a beautiful lighthouse... (I thought of you, Carolyn, as I looked at it. It was soo beautiful and so familiar... I realized it must be a very famous lighthouse because I think I have seen it on cards and some calendars as well.) Then I stayed over at their house in a wonderful cozy bed and slept better than I have in ages. All in all, an amazing day! Thanks for letting me share it. :)

Hope...

This is a summary of a talk that I gave in sacrament meeting a few weeks ago. I hope this summary might be helpful for someone out there. Preparing this talk was very helpful for me. :)



What exactly is hope? Hope is the word that we use to describe an emotional state or attitude in which we hold the belief and wish for a positive outcome in our circumstances. In many cases, we tend to treat hope as a noun... a simple object... easily described and dissected. Therefore, the idea of hope in our lives tends to become simplistic... almost wishful as in “I hope I pass my test” or “I hope it doesn’t rain.” In this way, hope can almost be described as an irresponsible or fickle friend... the friend who follows through on agreements sometimes or not at all. If we view hope through this lens, there can be very little wonder as to why the word has become trite and trivial in the majority of ways that it is used in our lives.

When I was asked to give this talk and was given my topic, I will admit that I didn’t want it. I have been having a really hard time feeling hopeful about much over the last few months. Trying to look at my uncertain and unknown future has felt more appropriately fearful than hopeful. And doing random 'scripture opening' for inspiration was no help at all – do you have any idea how many verses in the Bible contain the words 'there is no hope' or 'hope is lost?' It wasn't funny the first few times it happened, but as time has moved closer towards the date that I must present something, I have started to find it pretty funny.

So, instead of using the scriptures to start.... I tried to stand back and think about what hope means to me in my life. And I found something a little extraordinary. The first clear thought that I had is that hope is a verb... very active. When I have truly felt that I understood hope, it has been when I have been busy doing good things. When I conjure up an image of hope in my mind, it reminds me more of a cheerful, quickly moving beam of light the color of the clearest blue. Quick moving, but not frantic. Purposeful and kind. So to understand hope, we must truly understand that hope has three important aspects for true understanding.

First - hope is a voluntary and changing mindset. To feel positive and hopeful towards the experience that you are living through and to believe in good for your future, you must actively cultivate the aspects of faith and gratitude in your life. Good thoughts, optimism and true joy are things that we must work to gain and do not necessarily come from doing the right things. It has been my experience that some of the most faithful and charity-filled members that I know can also be the most depressed and find the challenge of negative thoughts to be one of the strongest wars that they have had to fight in their minds and their lives. So to be hopeful is truly an active process. Elder Wilford has stated clearly that “Hope, with its attendant blessings of peace and joy, dos not depend upon circumstance.” It is a constant awareness and recalculation of our thinking and or emotions... an unending process where we must actively through our circumstances seek to cultivate an environment where hope can feel welcome and can thrive. I will not pretend that this is an easy process and it is truly easier said than accomplished.

C.S. Lewis once said, “Hope is one of the theological virtues. This means that a continual looking forward to the eternal world is not (as some modern people think) a form of escapism or wishful thinking, but one of the things a Christian is meant to do.”

Second – is that Hope is a call to caring and to active work. Hope asks us to care... and to care intensely! Yet also asks us to understand that things may not always be the same so we should not care too much. Hope tells us and pushes us to work because there is much to work for... even though what we are working for may sometimes be unseen or elusive to our understanding. However, hope also calls us to play and to celebrate... to be active in our joys as well as our tasks. Hope is not passive.

2 Nephi 31:20 - Wherefore, ye must press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and of all men. Wherefore, if ye shall press forward, feasting upon the word of Christ, and endure to the end, behold, thus saith the Father: Ye shall have eternal life.

Close your eyes and think about the verbs in your mind and the images they create.

'ye must press'
'steadfast'
'feasting'
'endure'

Can any of these words been seen as passive... easy... weak? All require action on our parts.

Third – it must be stated that hope is an action that we are asked to give others. This is one of the only times that the word should be treated as a noun. It is by our actions towards others that we can give hope to people whose trials have overwhelmed their ability to actively cultivate hope. It is through the actions of love and charity that we are able to share the burdens of others and bring them the small but exquisite and beautiful pearl of hope. We cannot provide hope to those who struggle with a small pat of our hand and our 'hope that tings will get better for them'... it is provided through active work – thought, prayer, and service. In this sense, we are able to be hope for someone else and to give them the temporary ability to be buoyed up in hope so that they can again commence the personal work of creating their own foundation in hope.

Elder Neal Maxwell stated, “Genuine hope is urgently needed in order to be more loving even as the love of many waxes cold; more merciful, even when misunderstood or misrepresented; more holy, even as the world ripens in iniquity; more courteous and patient in a coarsening and curt world; and more full of heart felt hope, even when other men's hearts fail them. Whatever our particular furrow, we are to 'plow in hope' without looking back or letting yesterday hold tomorrow hostage.”

My brothers and sisters, may we be inspired to do the work necessary to cultivate hope in our minds and our lives and to give hope to others. May we allow the things that we hope for to lead us to a greater faith in Christ and our Father and that the things that we find hope will lead us firmly towards charity and love. I saw these things in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

2012 Poetry Corner #5 : Wishes, Dreams, and Prayer

A wish is but a dream
Given voice and breath
A dream is but a prayer
Given thought and space

So what is a prayer
Except simply pure love
The voice and yearning
Of our very souls...

The pleading of a child
To an adored parent
The struggle to bridge the gap


How do you reach across the void
The chasm of living silence
To bring your thoughts in line with God
To make your day complete




It is a struggle, so truly hard
To put my will aside
To recognize my lack of power
In the face of the divine

And yet the struggle becomes a breeze
When my heart is truly open
And I feel the spirit and the peace
The brightness of the mind

So I find my hope in wishes
And refuge in my dreams
Joy within my being
And awe in my solitude

It will be well….

Sometimes I wonder... 1 Nephi chapter 2

I have been thinking a bit about Nephi lately... or I guess a specific chapter actually. I have been stuck on it so much that I am getting behind in my reading for Sunday School. For some reason, 1 Nephi chapter 2 has been something that my brain seems to focus on these days and I find myself being pulled back from the next chapters to stare at pages 4-5. A few verses have really been on my mind and I thought I would share them and my thoughts about them.

1 Nephi 2:11-12

11 Now this he spake because of the stiffneckedness of Laman and Lemuel; for behold they did murmur in many things against their father, because he was a visionary man, and had led them out of the land of Jerusalem, to leave the land of their inheritance, and their gold, and their silver, and their precious things, to perish in the wilderness. And this they said he had done because of the foolish imaginations of his heart.
 12 And thus Laman and Lemuel, being the eldest, did murmur against their father. And they did murmur because they knew not the dealings of that God who had created them.

To me, these verses make quite a few statements that are really worth pondering. I don't know if it has anything to do with my current place in life. But I feel like many people have more of a clue about what is happening in my life than I do. And some of these people are protecting and caring for me... and some of them are not. And I am finding myself falling into murmuring- I do not feel like I am murmuring against my father... rather that I am plagued with self pity, loathing and ingratitude towards my situation. But the verse ends, “because they knew not the dealings of that God who had created them.” I will admit that the more I think about it, I don't know my future and I feel like things would be easier if I knew how they ended. I wonder if I feel sad/angry and I feel like complaining because I 'know not' the dealings of my God. But I also look at this verse and think... “well, why didn't they ask?” And I keep thinking about it... Why didn't they ask? I can't imagine that Heavenly Father wouldn't have answered a sincere prayer. And Lehi and Sarah and even some of their siblings were praying for Laman and Lemuel. It seems clear that something was holding them back. Was it their perceptions of their situation? Was it their lack of trust and conviction in their father? Was it there trust in friends and other people? A biological problem/mental illness that made it more difficult for these two to feel trust and security in their world... many anxiety disorders, narcissism, etc... Where they really closer to the stereotype that we see at church- angry, mean, selfish, and grasping...? A combination of many things? I will never know the answer – I can only answer these questions for myself and my life. Which brings me to this verse...

16 And it came to pass that I, Nephi, being exceedingly young, nevertheless being large in stature, and also having great desires to know of the mysteries of God, wherefore, I did cry unto the Lord; and behold he did visit me, and did soften my heart that I did believe all the words which had been spoken by my father; wherefore, I did not rebel against him like unto my brothers.

This opened a few interesting thoughts to me. One thought is that Nephi originally felt like his brothers- that his father was a little 'strange', etc... so to speak. Another thought is that he did have a sincere desire so he took the time and effort to ask and was given an answer which helped him to understand God better... as well as his earthly father. So I wonder... is Nephi different from Laman and Lemuel only due to his “great desire” for knowledge? Did he ask because he trusted his father in all things and so he felt he needed to ask God to understand a situation that he didn't comprehend? Did he trust God enough that he was willing to ask? I guess I wonder the true circumstances whereas Nephi made a different choice from two of his brothers and why they made the choice that they did. I wonder how many times he had to pray... as I do not always feel like I got an answer I could understand without lots of pondering and a few prayers. Enos certainly had a great desire and his prayer was long and pleading and sincere- longer than I imagine most prayers ever are. The verse suggests that Nephi got his answer, but doesn't tell us how long it took until he got it.

Maybe I find these verses so interesting because I feel like I see an view of Nephi and his brothers that I have never really seen before. I have read the Book of Mormon so many times and I have certainly listened to the stereotyping of scriptural people that many members practice in church. (Which I will admit I try to ignore the comments because I just can't see everything in black and white. Like many people I know and myself, I do not find my testimony threatened if my heroes are not perfect and I find many prophets more interesting and worthy of study when I do feel they are human and not just 'good' two dimensional characters.) I will admit that until I read these verses over and over during the last few weeks, I found that I had never considered Nephi at all like his brothers Laman and Lemuel. But this reading seems to suggest to me that the only real differences between them are really the choices that they made. All three men appear to have questioned their father.... but for whatever reason, only Nephi searched the depths of his mind and heart to ask God about his father and what his father was seeing/saying.... An interesting lesson to say the least!

What are your thoughts?