A Gift Recognized...

Holding onto anger is like grasping hot coal, you are the one getting burned - Buddha

The growth in both spirit and emotional strength that I have accomplished in the last few years has been pretty astonishing to me. I sometimes look back at the hurt and angry person that I was and I feel so much sorrow for her and I long to tell my past self that all will improve and truly will be for her good. I have not exited the furnace of my crucible, but I am closer to the cooler air and to peace and for that I am very grateful.

One thing that I felt intensely that I need to share and must be willing to express is my gratitude that I have been able to let so much of the anger go. I will not pretend it is all gone nor will I feign that I don't still feel a decent sized mass of it writhing around the halls of my soul. However, I can look at some of the hurtful things that people do now and I can see their pain even in the hand that harms me. It is a gift that I had never wanted nor hoped to gain, but it is a gift that I am so grateful for. I still cry sometimes and I feel the frustration and pain that come from misunderstandings and judgments of others, but I now can feel some of what is lurking under the surface of their skin and I can find compassion within my to give. I think in the past I have found it so easy to forgive people of so many things to a certain point and then the hurts would just compound until I couldn't see them without the anger and the hurt almost overwhelming my mind. I think that my new instinct to not trust right away but to also take things less personally and to reach out in love and a genuine desire for understanding is helping me to trust more appropriately... to feel protected and yet open and ready to serve. I am so grateful for this new viewpoint and understanding that I am beginning to gain and thankful that I can see the blessings even in what I believe may be one of the largest trials of my life – my divorce and family loss.

What happened to reflect this to me recently was a very painful experience that I had last Monday. I am not yet ready or comfortable enough to share it with others as my soul just feels almost as much shock and disappointment in myself as pain, but it feels sufficient to say that as I tucked into my covers that night and felt pain and resignation in myself, I felt a great deal more sorrow and compassion for my ex and a few friends than I ever have before. I am in a place that I can comprehend and almost see what they struggle with and it makes my struggles seem so minor and of lesser consequence. I haven't felt such a strong motivation to help these individuals in a very long time. While I feel my own burdens pressing, it is a wonderful feeling to look for ways to help... my troubles seem to lessen even in just the thinking of it. A wonderful blessing indeed.

2011 Poetry Corner # 2 : Frogs

Every poem I have ever posted on here I have written myself. This is my first departure from that tradition.

The other day I was out and about doing errands and I stopped at a recycle center. While I was doing my recycling I saw one of those school notebooks in the recycling pile and I pulled it out. The notebook was empty and ready to use with the exception of six pages. All six pages had the same poem written on them. I am not sure I like the poem, but it was very interesting and I didn't think it deserved the ignoble death that it was about to suffer so I brought it home and I copied it here – I felt it was at least worthy of discussion. I will take it down at the author's request and have left the poem true to the author's format! :)

Frogs – written by Norman MacCaig

Frogs sit more solid
than anything sits. In mid leap they are
parachutes falling
in a free fall. They die on roads
with arms across their chests and
heads high

I love frogs that sit
like Buddha, that fall without
parachutes, that die
like Italian tenors

Above all I like them because
pursued in water, they never
panic so much that they fail to make
stylish triangles with their ballet dancers
legs

What are your thoughts?