Inspiration From A Wall

There is an amazing Cuban restaurant in Bangor that the ex introduced me too a little bit ago. They make great food and are really good about allergies so that people with allergies can eat there- it does help that most Cuban food doesn't use gluten or nuts. The best thing about the restaurant besides the food is their wall. You are encouraged to write on their wall with your thoughts or artistic pictures and I love waiting for my food and reading the submissions. Today two specific items drew my attention. I'm sure no one is shocked that one of the items I liked was a cat....

However, this one really hit me in the feels...

How many of us have felt ourselves 'grow' away from family or others? I suspect all of us... and what about family who have passed on? I saw this and thought of my grandparents and how they are no longer around to spend time with. I miss them so much right now... it feels a bit like a physical wound that will not heal and continues to fester over time. I think of old friends who I have loved and over time we have grown apart. For some, I haven't seen them since I moved to Maine. For others, they have walked away from the relationship due to circumstances in their own lives. As I read the words I found my heart filled with emotion and my eyes filled with tears. I wonder about the person who wrote these words on the wall and what was in their heart as they shared this small piece of their soul. Lots of thoughts today...

The Space Between Life and Death

To sit at the bedside of the death of a friend is to look into the gaping mouth of hell. Grief chops at you little by little as their life is slowly drawn away. Sometimes, watching every breathe is painful and you want to see the continued rise of the chest ... and you desperately want it to stop to end the suffering therein. You find yourself stroking the frail frame and speaking of the banal because you can't say all that is in your heart for there are no words... or the words and emotions behind them will not help and will only cause more hurt. So you sit quietly and listen to every breath until you find your own mind and body become the mirror image of the life ebbing away. Your breathing slows and all you can see is the simple image of life and desire intertwined. You start to feel their pain in your own body and your mind whispers the same prayer over and over and over. You don't even feel the tears running down your cheeks and barely notice that you can no longer see as your glasses are coated with the tears that have been falling over your lids for what seems like eternities. You struggle to notice the discomfort in your limbs because your own comfort has fallen behind your one need- to be present in those few moments that will soon be over and will never be repeated. In these moments, I feel my own weakness... my own inability to stop suffering or help to end it. I feel some of my beliefs crumble to ash and I am forced to face the deficits in my faith and my heart. The bone deep weariness that surrounds you feels like the new normal as everything you do brings you back to this single point... sitting in a chair next to a friend... watching the failing physical frame and murmuring to the strong soul within which will soon be released. You watch the seizures and you shake, the breathing and you mirror it, the silence that envelopes you both. For this brief periods of time, I hate death and I pray for it... I push it away as I grasp it... I welcome any positive change even if it means death has won for now. Soon, the mouth of hell will close and only love and grief will live on... but in these brief moments I feel like I learn more about what hell really is and what heaven may be than any Sunday school lesson ever taught. And I do have so much more to learn... so much more...

1857 / 2001

Every once in a while, I find that I feel sort of uneasy about church history. It's the feeling that I see something that nobody else recognizes and the wall of silence that it seems to build up around me and others can be a bit uncomfortable. And on this day every year, so many American church members will fill their Facebook walls with images meant to instill patriotism and righteous anger. For some reason this year, it feels harder to watch in silence.

The build up to this day of remembrance of the terrorist attacks of September 11, 2011 is pretty big every year. Whether you knew anyone who died in that attack or not, it was a powerful statement and injury on our consciousness. The understanding, motivations, deaths, heroes, and compassion that almost always arise in force during times of great trial was burned into us and whether we agreed with some of the motivating factors or not, we still thought about them, chewed on them, and swallowed the bitter pain of the waste and irrationality of it all.

This day is a tough day for many and an anniversary of trauma and pain. However, for me today is a day of pain not only for the events in 2011, but also the events of the same day in 1857 when the Mountain Meadows massacre was committed.

This date should be imprinted on the soul of every active Mormon member, not for the above mentioned event, but for a massacre perpetuated by our ancestors. This day should be remembered every year for so many reasons, but one of the most important reasons is that to be a member of the LDS church... to embrace the gospel and church history as a strong part of our faith and our testimonies... the stories that we tell ourselves about our faith that are positive, strengthening and heroic.... we cannot be true to ourselves as a religious community if we push our failures under the rug. Take a poll in every ward or branch you attend and you will find the majority of members have heard of the Hauns Mill massacre, but very few have heard of Mountain Meadows. The difference between the two is simple; Hauns Mill was a terrorist act towards members of the LDS faith by outsiders while Mountain Meadows was a terrorist act committed by Mormons towards others. It is one of our community's -and I say 'our' including myself- big embarrassments, an act in itself of terrorism, and an act that no matter how rationalized or justified... is a shame and a sore on the skin of the gospel and the church.

Some people believe that we should not talk of these things and there are many reasonable reasons to not speak. But in our silence, it can cause more difficulty for members and non members alike when they discover this information for themselves and then become part of the festering mass of confusion, anger, shame and betrayal that is found when attempting to reconcile this painful information with their positive experiences with their faith. Some argue that, like reparations for slavery, it is in the past and so it is no longer relevant. For those who say this, may I ask a question?  Look deep into your heart and your memory and think of the sins that you have 'quietly' repented of... or the sins that you have kept to yourself and have hidden from the light... Do you feel that they are now all better?  Do you feel that repentance absolves you of any responsibility to try and fix the harm you have inadvertently caused?  In my mind, repentance is much like a u-turn: when you realize that you are going the wrong way, you repent and turn around.... but that doesn't stop you from having to recover the ground you have traveled. True repentance is a journey, not a magic spell that will apparate you back to where you began when you lost your way. (Although living in the world of Harry Potter would make a few things a tiny bit easier- imagine your few second trip from Maine to Paris for a romantic dinner and then home for work the next day.  :)

While none of us living have primary responsibility for these crimes in the past, I firmly believe that we all have a responsibility to try and continue the process of healing- for the family members, for the ancestors on both sides of the tragedy, and for the continued healing of our present community. I hope that next year, maybe a few more people will remember this date for more than just the attack in New York. I hope that more people will pray and remember Mountain Meadows and that even good, kind and godly people can make a mistake in ignorance, anger and fear. Remember that all of us are capable of horrible things in the grip of many negative emotions such as anger and fear. May we spend the day in remembrance and good works. Today is an important day....

A Nativity Metaphor

One of the things that I love about Christmas time is the varied opportunities to set up nativity scenes with my Bug. He has loved them since he was less than a year old and with fascination would reach towards the animals until one was handed to him. At this point in my life I have three incomplete sets of nativity pieces that with much laughter and smiles are carefully set up next to each other. Every year, the different pieces end up moving around the room as Joseph may be dragged off by a cat or Bug's service dog may casually pick one up when we are not looking and chew it to bits... or they even move when we use the pieces to recreate stories. These stories can be the birth of Christ as told in the Gospel of Luke or can become as varied as the barn scene in "The Last Battle" by C.S. Lewis. Sometimes, we just play farm and feed and tend to the animals that come with these nativity sets- always cows and sheep, but sometimes donkeys, horses, and even camels. Over the years I have worked pretty hard to make sure that my son understands that the nativity story with the animals is a tradition and is fun, but is very much not what the scriptures describe the events of the birth of Christ to be. The nativity tradition, while beautiful and fun, is not scriptural and in some ways seems to take away from the importance and the struggle of the event itself that we Christians celebrate - the birth of our Savior.

This year after Thanksgiving, I happily brought out the nativity sets for setting up. As usual, Bug and I sat down and placed them in the places we wanted. We added real hay and shavings to one of the stables and it always feels wonderful to sit back and look at the different groups. The sets are quite easy to tell apart as one is a Fisher Price plastic set, a hand carved wood set and a paper mache set that was hand painted for me by the young women of my branch a few years ago. I noticed this year that as the pieces began to be moved and scattered around the house, my son clearly had a very different image in his mind as he put them back and by the time that Christmas Day arrived, I had a very different nativity scene to view. So at a terribly early hour of the morning, while everyone else opened presents, I found my eyes and my thoughts drawn back towards the nativity scene in front of me. What I saw was three small smiling babies in the center of a large group which was then surrounded by animals and then the people. In some ways it looked a bit like how I feel about the sun.... the edges are easily seen but looking at the center is too bright, too hard.... too much. After the required present opening and fun, I chatted with Bug about the nativity and some of the same things that I saw as I looked down were emotions and ideas that he had been trying in a small way to suggest. Here are our thoughts:

1. How people picture the Savior can vary greatly on their perspective. His race, skin color, culture, facial expressions, etc... are things that are developed created by each of us and our religious culture. While every single person may see the Savior, his life, and his commandments differently, for those who celebrate his birth and life, we tend to see him as the center of our heart- the nucleus of our living soul. This is where Jesus Christ should be - in our minds and hearts, our thoughts and hopes. In essence, he should be our center and our life should revolve around him and our relationship with him.

2. The animals were set around him as a protection. Animals are pure and live the lives that they have been set to lead on this earth. They are here to live, to teach us, to sometimes feed us and to help us to recognize the divine all around us. As such, most animals will likely recognize the Christ in the flesh before we human beings shall and as each creature recognizes its spiritual heart, they will surround him in joy and protect him from harm.

3. People are on the outside of the circle as we are frail, easily distracted and of skewed perspectives. When we look at pictures of Christ with his mother and images that celebrate his birth, for many the joy is in the rest of the image behind the holy child... the cow in the next stall, the sheep standing next to a shepherd, the donkey tied up nearby. When we perform the nativity story in plays, each of the actors in the nativity are likely to play their character to the hilt and in most traditional nativities, they are more animals than people. So the majority of the action comes from the animals as well as the majority of the space taken up. As I discovered to my cost last year, telling a friend that having animals in a Nativity scene isn't scriptural can seriously get you gossiped and talked about even when the comment was mentioned in a closed door, private meeting. I was really surprised at how offended someone could get over the idea that Christ wasn't surrounded from his first earthly breath with joyous, happy livestock crowding in toward the manger for a better look. As Bug told me, "We see what we want to see, animals see what is there."

I look back a week later on this experience and find myself pretty pleased and tearful. I am grateful for an amazing and thoughtful child who is kind and empathetic and good-hearted. I am grateful that even with some of his learning challenges, Bug is aware of how to live a good life and is able to understand many human frailties and stumbling blocks. He also seems to understand where the Savior should be in our lives... in our hearts, the focus.... the center of our being. This is a Christmas gift I will never forget and always be grateful for. Tomorrow, my son will be 14 years old. I look forward to celebrating his birthday with him and eating cake. I am thankful for the gifts he has given me... especially these thoughts. Love you Bug. :)

2014 Poetry Corner # 10 : "A Wish and Wonderment on Souls"

I've heard about her early years
in whispers, deflection and silence
The last to join her family unit
God's gift to those around her
in an environment of pain and loss and death
She brought life and love and need

I knew her when she was young
full of energy, bright, happy and yet
Social cues unexplored and anger palpable
just below the surface of her skin
her speech garbled, quick and unfathomable
except to her mothers and brothers

I've watched her grow into her frame
now tall, beautiful and voluptuous
her voice, clear and kind... a smile on her lips
a few close friends by her side
her soul and thoughts much better hidden
the pain lessening and more easily concealed

I wish that we could still be close
I wish that I could see through her eyes
Back into the recesses of her mind
Her loves and joys and pain and fears
to know her more and how to help
to feel her in my life

While she is close, she is still far
in both her mind and spirit
circumstances and misunderstanding
widen the fog and gulf around us.
Two electrons around a powerful nucleus
unable to do more than look and travel past

I can keep trying, to pray, to hope
but I must also recognize
that maybe things cannot be mended
during our short sojourn of life
I wonder if she thinks the same

Will we know each other and still smile
as I grow old and gray
As she holds children, a spouse, a job
my life closing off, slowing down

I pray that we will find a way
to see, understand and love
To find the closeness that we once had
with new love and joy entwined
If nothing else, if my hopes are dashed...
I will always remember her spirit :)

2014 Poetry Corner # 9 - "Love" (a haiku)

To find and keep love
takes effort, patience and more
yet nourishes souls

2014 Poetry Corner # 7 - "The Spirit of Peace"

Eyes closed, breathe deep
legs crossed, head bowed

Feel the world around you
the breeze that lovingly envelopes you
the warmth that seeps through your skin
the spirit that whispers to your heart

Whisper your needs, hear him answer
Give him your heart, feel his love

Breathe in, clear your mind
the thoughts that bring you down
the worries that fret your soul
the fears that trap your agency

Listen with all your being
Be open, be loving, be joyful

Be you!

A Unique Opportunity!

I have always felt a little wary about expressing my testimony and feelings on Christ. Some of my reluctance stems from foolish reasons- fear of rejection or conflict, worry about causing offense and also a small amount of laziness- it takes courage and effort to do it! But another reason is also that sharing your testimony is so personal and makes me feel so vulnerable and exposed... open to attack while my heart and soul... my most beautiful and vulnerable parts are laid bare and feel naked and defenseless. And I have found that many people who are Christian, but have different beliefs, belong to different denominations, etc... chose this opportunity to thrust forward... not with thoughtful conversation, but with reasons and 'proofs' of why my beliefs are wrong. The reasons vary from 'worshiping the wrong Christ' (How many people in this world have been known as the savior Jesus Christ? To my knowledge there is only one man...), to scripture verses expressing why my thought processes are wrong and my eternal soul is in peril. Some people suggest that even questioning the culture surrounding the gospel is disloyal and inappropriate... to both Heavenly Father, prophets, apostles and the Savior- questioning even expresses that I 'do not sustain them' no matter how much I feel like I do. It is very painful to have my beliefs belittled and to even be told what I think... I have actually been amazed by how many people tend to feel pretty comfortable and even justified in telling other people what those people think... which really seems to be a reflection of the speaker's thoughts and not the individual being judged.

So over the last few years, I have actively tried to work on feeling a little less fear and trying to be more open about my thoughts. In a few ways, I have been more successful – I have a few really good friends who I actually feel safe enough to share my thoughts and feelings with. And I have actively pushed myself to try and start conversations with people I do not know. It's probably strange to some of you who know me, but I do feel uncomfortable talking to people I don't know and trust... which is funny because I can totally chat someone's ear off if I feel safe with them. (It's a mark of how the divorce has caused me to close up even more that the phone plan I used to have gave me unlimited minutes and I would use over two thousand a month and I now live comfortably on less than 450 a month.) So I actually try to say 'hi' to people I pass in stores, compliment someone or just say something basic to start an interaction. I have started conversations at church with members that I don't know (sometimes I have started them with people whose names I should know after a decade but I still don't and I am too embarrassed to ask.) And I have worked to try not and shut down conversations as much when unknown people start them with me... I''m working on it and its getting a little easier I think.

So the other night, I was headed home from work and decided that I would do my once weekly 'spontaneous' grocery shopping. Once a week, I head to a few different grocery stores and only look for the 'marked down' basics – fresh fruit and vegetables, dairy products, meat, salads, etc... I am never sure what I will find on these trips and sometimes I find nothing or just a few odds and ends. And sometimes, I come home with salad and veggies for days, some meat and fish, yogurt, milk and sour cream... and even maybe some soup or some beat up cans of tomatoes. This trip is a fun trip- an exclusion for me that doesn't cost me much and helps me to have fresher things to eat on my small income. It's also fun to see what I can find and then create different meals to cook and consume the food. Being able to have this opportunity has been such a blessing and really has made it possible for me to eat pretty well on my income. So I left the first store and started driving to the second. I parked, limped in and started the 'rounds'.

After a quick look through the produce section, I headed over to the seafood section and quickly noticed a decent sale on haddock- $1.99 a lb! I stood at the back of the line and found myself grinning a bit more when I watched everyone else in line buying the more expensive fish and the price to the haddock was changed to 0.99/lb in the hopes of moving the last little bit before the store closed. The woman in front of me completed a fairly complicated fish order and moved out of the way so that I cold place my order. I order three pounds of the good stuff and, as they wrapped up my order, the woman who had been in line before me started a conversation with me. She asked what I was going to do with my fish and I talked about my plans for it – I thought I would fry up a pound with lots of bell peppers and broccoli and put the rest in either soup or make it into sandwiches. She introduced herself as Donna and shared her amazement that I could make fish into something that sounded wonderful so easily. And so I stopped with my basket... and Donna with her cart and we chatted. I told her about other easy ways to cook fish- one of the few things I am really decent about cooking- and she decided to get some fish for herself. I moved on looking through the meat department and was headed to the front of the store when she caught me up again. Donna thanked me and asked how I decided when to buy something and so I told her about my trips. I talked about some of the places in the stores where they 'hide' the markdowns and how I decided something was a good value or not.

It was during that conversation that Donna looked at my neck and asked about the necklace around it. I looked down and asked her which necklace she was asking about (I was wearing two) and she pointed at my gold chain with my young women's medallion hanging down at the end. I've actually never had anyone ask me about it before and, as I felt myself close up, I took a breath and told her about it: what it is, what it means, how I earned it, and how much it means to me as a symbol. Donna then asked what church has such a great program and I said those words that open the door to potential trouble - “I'm a Mormon.” Her response was quick and so unexpected to me - “Oh, like Glen Beck!” - that I didn't school my face very well and my feelings of dismay and annoyance must have been seen clearly on my face. She stuttered and said, “Well, I mean not like Glenn Beck, but you belong to the same church and stuff.” That I agreed with! And she asked me more and listened respectfully and asked a few questions of me that I think she must have gotten from conservative talk radio (probably from the formerly mentioned) and I told her the doctrine I have learned and my beliefs in it. She told me about her church and I asked questions about it and she answered and when we parted, she thanked me again for the shopping information and for chatting with her and hen said something totally unexpected to me.

“God bless you! I am so glad I ran into you today!”

I finished my shopping and went home with a lot to think about. Even a few weeks later I am still thinking abut it. I am glad I took the risk, thankful that it didn't turn into a really painful experience that would bring my anxiety to the forefront of my mind again. And I feel able to try and do it again. But most of all, I feel like I have started a relationship that over time can turn into friendship and even more. I am so thankful that I have accomplished and earned my medallion and grateful that I found the courage inside of me to talk about it. You just never know when you can testify of Christ... you can share his love anywhere, even next to a counter of cheap fish. :)

2014 Poetry Corner # 3 - "Changing of the Judges"

So much to feel, so much to say
yet my lips are closed and still
a heart is full with hope and need
my soul engaged... alert

His words pour out, rigid and course
but the air accepts them thirstily
And within moments they soar
we are swallowed whole, engulfed
in love and faith and community
The spirit speaks to us and confirms the call

The faces have changed, but the seats have not
nor has the love and spirit
I sustain them all; pray for all three
A new presidency has been born

An Official Welcome to Bear and Mina :)

So it's time for an official introduction to the new – well, newer to me at any rate- cat siblings that I have adopted. I mentioned them in a previous post, but they are now settled in and even have names. As such, I am ready to give them a short and proper introduction.

It is certain that I didn't need any more cats at the time that they entered my life. I had Morianna- a good and deserving stray that spent most of her time hiding in my kitchen drawer. Bella the stray is thin, but pleasing and has a quite a personality. And I had also agreed to allow a few people and their cat to move in with me temporarily so I figured that was enough on top of everything else going on. But an outing with a friend and a few machinations... and I came home with two eight month old cats. Black and white and obviously devoted to each other, they can sit looking like the most serious bookends at each end of the couch... or they lay intertwined like the most exhausted and obsessed lovers caught in the wee hours of the dawn. When they first came in, both of them immediately investigated the other inhabitants of the house- Morianna was frankly a bit appalled- and then settled in. Unlike other cats that I have known, I found it challenging to come up with names for them. Their personalities are very different and didn't easily come out with a name. Also, still being quite kitteny- and I'm not really fond of kittens- I found getting close to them really challenging. It has taken a few months for all of us to really settle in.

So the male... older by a few minutes is named Bear. He is an exuberant soul and feels joy in almost everything! He is the first to reach the door when I come home at night and tends to be the first in everything; he is first to the food bowl, first to pat my face awake and first to be found stretched across my bed like a small happy pelt with a loud purr to match in the early afternoon hours. He is also the first to come and hop onto my lap... or sometimes even my homework. It has been a long time since I have any cats in my household that have had the exuberance and desire to stampede over the home and I will admit that I have missed it. A few times a week, I have taken the opportunity to sit and just watch as the whole household of cats run and leap and jump and dash through the house. Once I was accidentally hurt as Bear leaped down from the lamp onto the top of the bed and landed on my face with one paw landing directly on my left eye – it felt bruised for days. But I couldn't be angry for long, he was so happy and quickly exuberant again. Bear is very much Brock's favorite and they can be seen snuggling and tussling as often as they can. In fact, I have never seen a cat that 'needs' to be part of the action so much. I'm looking forward to more fun for many years.

His sister, a smaller and more delicately framed little one, is named Mina. I have no idea where the name came from... I just know that it popped out one day and it stuck. She answers to it and can quickly be seen running up or lounging around to watch the action. She is more reserved and her brother, but absolutely dotes on him and has also become Bella's shadow as well. I have caught Bella forcibly washing Mina as well if her 'toilette' doesn't meet with Bella's strict approval. She is also happy to curl up into my lap and then sit and stretch- purring and pliant while I read a book and I feel so full and peaceful in those moments. She reminds me of Miagray- a Miagray that I once knew except that she isn't so afraid to feel and show it. It's quite wonderful actually.

They still help me sleep and together they are quite a formidable and fun pair. With the addition of Finny- another story that I may tell one day- my household is full and complete. Even now as the night comes in, I sit surrounded by purring friends. I have a good book and a warm stove and everything may still be in slight disarray from moving but everything feels orderly and peaceful. So a hearty welcome to my new housemates and friends! :)

2013 Poetry Corner #6 - "To Be"

To dream is to stretch your soul
... to reach out of your reality to a new place
... to hope for future peace

To plan is to stretch your mind
... to focus on the changes that must be
... to hold onto a goal with purpose

To try is to acknowledge possibility
... of both failure and success
... to move onward anyway

To grow is to reach forth
... to know that to gain may cause pain
... that through adversity, we gain strength

To love is to believe
... to know that the Father loves us
... to have faith in ourselves
... to be

A Gift Recognized...

Holding onto anger is like grasping hot coal, you are the one getting burned - Buddha

The growth in both spirit and emotional strength that I have accomplished in the last few years has been pretty astonishing to me. I sometimes look back at the hurt and angry person that I was and I feel so much sorrow for her and I long to tell my past self that all will improve and truly will be for her good. I have not exited the furnace of my crucible, but I am closer to the cooler air and to peace and for that I am very grateful.

One thing that I felt intensely that I need to share and must be willing to express is my gratitude that I have been able to let so much of the anger go. I will not pretend it is all gone nor will I feign that I don't still feel a decent sized mass of it writhing around the halls of my soul. However, I can look at some of the hurtful things that people do now and I can see their pain even in the hand that harms me. It is a gift that I had never wanted nor hoped to gain, but it is a gift that I am so grateful for. I still cry sometimes and I feel the frustration and pain that come from misunderstandings and judgments of others, but I now can feel some of what is lurking under the surface of their skin and I can find compassion within my to give. I think in the past I have found it so easy to forgive people of so many things to a certain point and then the hurts would just compound until I couldn't see them without the anger and the hurt almost overwhelming my mind. I think that my new instinct to not trust right away but to also take things less personally and to reach out in love and a genuine desire for understanding is helping me to trust more appropriately... to feel protected and yet open and ready to serve. I am so grateful for this new viewpoint and understanding that I am beginning to gain and thankful that I can see the blessings even in what I believe may be one of the largest trials of my life – my divorce and family loss.

What happened to reflect this to me recently was a very painful experience that I had last Monday. I am not yet ready or comfortable enough to share it with others as my soul just feels almost as much shock and disappointment in myself as pain, but it feels sufficient to say that as I tucked into my covers that night and felt pain and resignation in myself, I felt a great deal more sorrow and compassion for my ex and a few friends than I ever have before. I am in a place that I can comprehend and almost see what they struggle with and it makes my struggles seem so minor and of lesser consequence. I haven't felt such a strong motivation to help these individuals in a very long time. While I feel my own burdens pressing, it is a wonderful feeling to look for ways to help... my troubles seem to lessen even in just the thinking of it. A wonderful blessing indeed.

2013 Poetry Corner #3 : A View into Eternity

If I could see beyond the veil
at the images past it's blinds
Would I recognize the views without
the feelings they provide
Would I feel love, joy and wonder
a smile within my heart
or would I wish to hide, to wipe
my tears inside my mind

If I could see beyond the ridge
at the mysteries I crave
Would I feel the peace of knowing
... the illuminated sight
the joy that comes from challenge met
the joy from knowledge gained
or I feel let down, bereft
the wearyness of the end

I do not know what I will feel
nor do I know that which I seek
To have that knowledge I must know myself
... to understand and seek
Can I reach out and grasp ahold
of that rod of which I need
To struggle forward, to push my soul

What do you see when you look through
...look forward in the light
Do you stand tall and confident
your back toward the night
Can we move forward side by side
support and strength in numbers?
Spend the light and joy together
to learn and grow hand in hand
together, forever, peaceful.... eternity

'Horcruxes' and a Lack of Appropriate Circumspection

“How did Ginny get like this?” he asked slowly.

“Well, that's an interesting question” said Riddle pleasantly. “And quite a long story. I suppose the real reason Ginny Weasley's like this is because she opened her heart and spilled all her secrets to an invisible stranger.”

“What are you talking about,” said Harry.

“The diary,” said Riddle. “My diary. Little Ginny's been writing in it for months for months and months telling me all her pitiful worries and woes....”

“So Ginny poured out her soul to me….”

“...but there isn't much life left in her. She put too much into the diary, into me...”

“Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets”


In the Harry Potter series, I was introduced to the idea of a horcrux- an object in which a person “places a piece of their soul.” A horcrux is a terrible object and the idea of slashing your soul into pieces is so abhorrent (at least to me.) But over some time, I started to wonder if unintentionally I had possibly 'created' my own horcrux. The recognition of that fact totally freaks me out... and I have spent the last few months really coming to terms with that. I talk to a counselor, I pray and I try to work on changing some of the thoughts and that has helped, but in the end I am still forced to recognize that I gave so much of myself to two other people... who I feel have efficiently taken a part of me and left the rest...

I recognize that a horcrux in the Harry Potter sense isn't a real object. I am certainly not confessing to any form of murder or hatred that I could channel to even attempt to create one in that sense. But I am an open person and I did have two great friends. My life will never be the same without my husband and the irony that he doesn't feel that I gave him enough of myself is hard to really understand as I feel the loss and the pain. Nothing seems to change the thoughts and feelings that I have lost everything and I don't even understand why. And to lose my very best female friend at that time has probably helped cement that feeling of loss, fear and ambivalence about the future. I had my life planned out and all of those plans feel trite and unattainable now. I truly feel like I placed all my hopes, my happiness and so much of who I am in these two people. A part of me wonders if I can ever feel whole again. A small part of me feels so apathetic about it that I'm not sure if I even care. And another part of me is so angry... because maybe I wouldn’t feel this way if I had poured most of myself into the Savior. While I feel like I have faith and a firm testimony, I also feel like I trusted these people more than I trusted Heavenly Father and the most powerful advocate that I could ever have. Either that …. or I have trusted them so much that I didn't feel like either the Father or the Son could actually hurt me... maybe so I didn't understand how being open and honest with others can really, really hurt? Not sure. In the end, I do not think anyone except my mother has caused me to feel so much pain in this life.

So over the last few months, I have worked hard to do (or not do) a few things. I have really tried to focus on opening more spiritual doors. One thing that I thought was really silly but I really think has been amazing is that I have picked up some of the materials that were written with a new investigator of Christ in mind and have actually sat and not only read, but even though I felt a little silly I tried to think about and answer all the questions. Another aspect about myself that I am finding uncomfortable is the idea that I no longer want to share with people. People who want to be my friend and who want to try and help me, good friends... It is so easy to just shrug or say that I'm fine than try to admit to the pain in my heart. Heck, I'm finding it challenging to admit to things that are good and I wonder if I feel so much fear and defensiveness that I do not feel like I can share because I am worried that these good things will be taken away from me. If that's not a silly fear, I don't really know what is. So I am trying to fight that feeling and that 'need' to conceal. It's a bit tough to acknowledge how hard it is to fight these feelings... where my soul yearns to speak, but my head clamps down and my tongue is silent or flippant or even diversionary. Anything to keep the questions at bay, to feel less fear, less concern.


I have been accepting callings and really trying to fulfill them. I have tried that in the past but it feels different now. I feel like if I fail or do not succeed at a calling now I haven't just failed myself... I have failed Heavenly Father. Maybe I should have felt that way in the past... maybe I shouldn't feel that way now. I don't know, but there is a sense of urgency about my callings that I have not felt in this way before. In the past, my focus as been really on the people I am trying to help and that has been how I have fulfilled my callings. I have prayed or focused on what people need and tried to take care of those needs and so a calling felt very personal and humbling. My callings still feel personal and I still have a lot of focus- I need it to accomplish them- but there is a small string of fear attached to every decision now. What people really think really matters so much? If I forget to do something and someone decides to lose their testimony or quit, I fear my part in it. Rationally I recognize that people are allowed to make their own decisions, that I just need to do the best that I can and that's all that is expected of me, but that doesn't remove the fear. So I focus on the callings with two emotions that I have never had attached to a calling before- a feeling of frenzy and need to be exceptional... or the feeling of ambivalence, that nothing I do matters as it will never be good enough. I am trying to actively try and fight both emotions now as I don't think either one is OK or good for me.

I guess in the end, I am actively trying to pick up the pieces of my soul and my life and move on. I am not sure that I can ever really feel whole again in the sense that I did before. I don't think I am the same person nor can I be. In some ways, I think I did create a horcrux because a part of me is gone and feels destroyed. Unlike a horcrux though, I feel like maybe I can use the magic of the Atonement and love to fill the empty spots. It will never be the same and I do wish it could be, but maybe the difference will be better for me and I can feel whole again. I would really, really like that. If anything, that is what my prayers are focused on now. Moving forward and moving on. Feeling loved and whole. May I get there soon. :)

2013 Poetry Corner # 2 : Evening Prayer

The best moment of the day
To kneel in the quiet
Surrounded by darkness
My mind jumbled and crowded
… a moment to settle
… a deep breath

The words form slowly and then come
Tumbling and rushing down
My waterfall of thoughts
Pouring and crashing into silence
… my tears fall
… my heart pleading

The thoughts form patterns
My mind will clear
The heart feels lighter
My soul feels peace
… my head sinks
… sleep comes

Horizontally, the moment ends
Claimed by exhaustion...
May it come again!

2013 Poetry Corner # 1 : 'Anxiety'

Anxiety, anxiety.... my ever faithful chain
Always here around my heart
Can I still be sane?

Breathe in, breathe slow...
Slowly, thoughtful, timely
So that my soul can grow.

Fight it and sigh
For eventually you'll win
No need to ask why..

just continue to try.....

Challenges...

Church has been such a challenge for so long. I feel so uncomfortable and saddened to write that sentence. The words feel harsh and yet they also feel so vague and non descriptive that they seem unmeaningful. Funny that…. But even as I write those words, my spirit rebels… for I do not want to think of church as a challenge. I don’t want attendance or thinking positively at church to be a challenge at all. A good friend this week told me that “church is supposed to be a sanctuary, a place of relief…. a place of respite.” Church has not been that way for me for a little over a decade now and I desperately want to find that again for myself.

So I have been trying. I have thrown myself into my calling. I have used my creativity and my extra resources to get more materials for the library, to add activities and to work to get more members involved in using the library. I have pushed myself to 100% attendance at Sacrament meeting and to keep coming… no matter what. I have tried to reach out and make some new friends and to find friends in those that I didn’t really have the opportunity to really get to know in the past. And I feel like these attempts have really helped. I no longer long to stay home and it no longer feels right to do so. I have some really wonderful friends- ones that I want to trust…. that I feel in my heart that I should trust…and I hear the Lord whisper that I need to learn to trust people again and that these friends are good and strong and love me…. that they are worthy of my trust. The very real possibility of moving out of the branch now feels extremely painful and the opportunity for even more loss in my life. In some ways, it feels like the only thing that I haven’t lost… a gift that I have cultivated and has become a real family. You know, a real family… with members you love that are friends as well, that are strong and will be there no matter what… and those who have hurt you and you can’t truly reconcile with, but they are family and so you try to love and help them anyway. And knowing how much Heavenly Father loves them- as well as his love for you- makes the betrayal and the pain they have caused seem lessened and, in some ways, less personal.

So I was truly determined to get to church today and I was going to do three things. I was going to sit in Sacrament meeting no matter what and I was going to sit with someone and not just find a bench to ‘hide’ in…. I was going to make the library’s hours more regular and go to class. And lastly, I was determined to not allow anything to phase me today. I was going to look at everything with a wide angle lens and remember the important reasons for coming to church. In anticipation of that, I took medication to make sure I slept the night before and had a large meal…... Unfortunately, it didn’t work. I was totally broadsided by something today that I didn’t expect and I wouldn’t even have known how to prepare for. That’s the bad news…


But here’s the good news! I was able to sit through the whole meeting. I was able to find a way to sit and really listen and they were some great things in the meeting. A few lines of some of the talks felt so pertinent that I wrote them down. They have been running through my head all afternoon… so I thought I would share them. Maybe someone else can enjoy them or find them useful as well…..


“We can choose happiness over bitterness…” – Isn’t that really true… I recognize that it is hard (Boy, do I recognize that!), but we really can make that conscious choice and fight to make that a part of our reality. I really want that for myself. What do you think of this thought?

“We should prepare now to live in a better world” – Everyday is a preparation for the world to come… for a place that we as human beings cannot really comprehend even as we make choices that will lead us bit by bit towards the future world. Every choice can lead us closer or farther… or even find us sitting by the side of the path, foot sore and forlorn. I found myself wondering if I am one of those sitting by the side of the road, weary and desperate for a ride… even as I know that I have to walk the path and that a ride isn’t possible or even a good idea. What am I doing to prepare...? What specifically are you doing?

“Bad situations can wear down even good people” – I felt like this statement really reverbated through my soul. One of the things that so many lessons and scriptures tell us over and over is to keep ourselves in safe ways. They suggest that staying away from temptation is so much easier if we never put ourselves in the situation that the temptation is possible. Seems true enough. But this statement seems to cause my brain to focus on the awful situation that I am mired in and my feeble attempts to crawl out of it… and I realized that I feel too tired to do it. Could I have kept myself out of this situation? I don’t really know… What I do know is that doing the right thing is becoming harder to do… in some ways even harder to comprehend doing. I feel like I can safely testify that at least for me, a bad situation is really bringing me down to a place I never imagined I would find myself in. I still do not know how to avoid it in the future, but the lessons I have learned will help avoid some of the situations I have recently found myself in and I intend to protect myself a little better than I have in the past. What do you think about this statement? Do you think it is applicable to you?


May next Sunday be another step towards a brighter future for all of us! :)

2012 Poetry Corner #5 : Wishes, Dreams, and Prayer

A wish is but a dream
Given voice and breath
A dream is but a prayer
Given thought and space

So what is a prayer
Except simply pure love
The voice and yearning
Of our very souls...

The pleading of a child
To an adored parent
The struggle to bridge the gap


How do you reach across the void
The chasm of living silence
To bring your thoughts in line with God
To make your day complete




It is a struggle, so truly hard
To put my will aside
To recognize my lack of power
In the face of the divine

And yet the struggle becomes a breeze
When my heart is truly open
And I feel the spirit and the peace
The brightness of the mind

So I find my hope in wishes
And refuge in my dreams
Joy within my being
And awe in my solitude

It will be well….

2012 Poetry Corner # 4 : Simply Let Go

To not forgive is to be burned
Hung on a spit of emotional fire
Your pain becomes willful
Relief appears unattainable








Over time, your soul becomes a shell
A hollow, bitter place
I do not want this for myself
My spirit yearns for freedom


Peace is slow to come
But it will come
If I will but ask
If I will but try
If I can… simply let go

2012 Poetry Corner #3 : Who is Your Master?

When you stand upon a path
that will soon quickly divide
How do you make the necessary choice
of which path you will abide?

Are you impulsive, quick – fast to choose
to quickly move ahead
Or do you dawdle to collect
the knowledge of where to tread?

What are your motivations?
Why do you make your choice?
Do your truly understand yourself
and the thoughts that you give voice?

I have found that I’m not sure
of what is really me
Why I do the things I do
what I want to be

But there is one thing I know
one thing that I find true
That Christ should be my master
He will show me what to do…

So who is your master?
Who is your guide?
Who do you follow?
Who do you mind?

So I try to move forward
Feeling the peace that I seek
Struggling to hear the spirit
Focusing on being meek

My soul feels less pain
My heart does feel more peace
A door begins to open
And the path is right ahead…

I’m ready...