Aaack! Aaack!

In the past, I have found myself really busy and struggling to juggle all the 'needs' and how to meet and accomplish all of them. Juggling Bug and appointments and the household and the spouse was barely doable – no surprise that my health became really poor as taking care of myself wasn't in my list of priorities. With the other family changes in my life, I have been able to make caring for myself a great priority and my health has improved a lot. Gluten is still a huge issue for me – sometimes I feel like the world is made of wheat and so I can't touch anything or go anywhere.

I'm back in a little bit of a crunch time again. After I was laid off in August, I have continued to look for work and I am still enrolled and completing three college classes. In September, I accepted a 'temporary / part time' job which was supposed to last three weeks and I would either have full time or nothing. I have been working almost forty hours a week at around minimum wage since that time. The company that I am working for is now suggesting that they may keep everyone at relatively low hours, wages, and 'temporary' positioning through December. So I'm hanging in there in the hopes of full time because I have the potential to make a lot more. But I would be lying if I didn't say that I feel the weight of the work that I am trying to accomplish. Working full time, doing school work full time, continuing to look for work and trying to fulfill my church, family and personal responsibilities... well, I feel really pushed and rushed around. (I'm also in the middle of moving as well.) I haven't been taking care of myself as well as I could and my sleep has been problematic again. It's like my brain can't shut off and is constantly continuing to try and rearrange and figure out how I am going to get it all done. So I will wake up after a few hours and my brain is already 'running' as I wake up. And it has to run for a bit before I can sleep again. So part of my brain will continue the list, rearrange it, or add more to it... while another part of my head is quietly swearing and imaging sleep. So I'm making lists, thinking 'Ack', and trying to image my mind into dreams. I will admit it's not working well. ; )

So over the last few weeks I have been trying something new... and its working! A few weeks ago, many of you know that I adopted two almost grown kittens who needed a home quickly... or they wouldn't have been around for one! So even though I didn't need any more cats... didn't want any more cats... I have two more cats! And they are such a blessing. We have a race to the door when I come home and a race to bed when I am getting ready to head there. I have purring and snuggling during scripture study and I am sleeping so much better. It's funny because I am still behind on so much but I don't feel nearly as stressed about it now. It's just a wonderful thing. Sleep, I took you for granted when I was younger.... I don't anymore. So I am grateful for my new pals and the other blessings in my life. They mean a lot to me!

What new blessings do you have in your life? :)

Stories from the Bible: Tamar

One of my favorite people to think about in the Old Testament is Tamar. Many people haven't actually heard of her and I suspect that's for a few reasons. With very few exceptions we do not hear much about women in the scriptures anyway and those exceptions tend to be women who are being held up as bad examples. A wonderful LDS feminist named Laurel Thatcher Ulrich wrote a book whose title has become quite a popular catch phrase that pretty succinctly makes that point: “Well -Behaved Women Seldom Make History.” Another reason is that in many ways, Tamar's story is very peripheral to even the group of stories that she is in. One of the things that I find interesting is that her story was even included at all... and I think of the thousands of women whose stories weren't included at all. I wonder what makes her story so special in the fact that it was considered important enough to include it or if her story was only included because of the men in it.

Tamar's story is short and actually begins when she is old enough to marry. In Genesis, Tamar is first mentioned when she married Judah's oldest son named Er. That marriage was short lived as her husband dies due to his wickedness and Tamar was left widowed and childless. According to tradition, Tamar would then be married to the next oldest son to create children/heirs for her deceased husband. So she was married to Onan, who had no interest in creating any children as they wouldn't be 'his' to claim and so he would pull out before of Tamar while having sex with her so that she couldn't get pregnant. Onan also died prematurely and soon Tamar was widowed and still childless... again. Tradition would have her married to the next brother (whose name is Shelah), however, Judah is portrayed as being pretty wary at this point. Wondering if Tamar is cursed, he feels reluctant to promise his youngest son and so he tells Tamar that she must wait until Shelah reaches manhood. Tamar, having little choice in the matter, waits and even after Shalah is grown and Judah himself becomes a widower, she is still waiting. It becomes clear that Judah wasn't willing to risk his last heir but marrying him to her.

The writer doesn't mention how long it takes Tamar to realize that Judah never intends to follow through on his word and that she is trapped in a perpetual circle. She is back with her family waiting to return to her new family... yet she has little to no status in her new family heirarchy as she is widowed, alone and childless. Unable to marry anyone else to change her situation and yet betrothed but alone, she makes a really interesting and brave gamble. When her father in law, Judah, is headed to a different town for business, she dresses up and sits by the city gates, suggesting by this positioning and environment that she is a prostitute. It is thought that she had knowledge that he had sometimes used prostitutes at that area and as the women would wear veils to disguise their identity, that could help her do so as well. Things apparently went according to her plan and her offer was accepted. Judah didn't have any money so after the services were rendered he offered to send her a goat from his flock. As a pledge, she accepted his staff and his personal seal which were items that were of great worth to him. Later, when a friend of Judah's comes with the goat to make payment and exchange, no one could find the prostitute. Tamar had gone home to her family and had no told anyone around the area who she was and didn't tell her family what she had done. So Judah kept the goat and didn't say anything about it so that he could hide his embarrassment as well as the sin.

Some months later it became apparent that Tamar was pregnant... an unacceptable condition for an unmarried woman during that time. When the news of her pregnancy makes its way to Judah, in his anger and his position as the tribal leader, accuses her of 'playing the whore' and sentences her to death for her adultery (Even though she is currently unmarried, she is still betrothed to Shelah so her actions would be considered adultery... as well as the actions of her partner.) When Tamar learns of her sentence, she appeals to Judah giving him his staff and seal and letting him know that the 'owner' of them is her 'partner'. In his words, “She hath been more righteous than I; because that I gave her not to Shelah, my son” - Genesis 38:24 Realizing his culpability as well as his potential difficulties, Judah admits his guilt and he acknowledges the appropriateness of Tamar's behavior. She later gives birth to twin boy who are named Perez and Zerah.

I find many things about this story interesting to think about. One thing is something I mentioned before. Why is this particular story including in the book and was considered important enough to write down in the first place. The only characters that are consistent in the story (or at least survive through it) are Tamar, Judah and Shelah. Judah is one of Joseph's brothers (the Joseph who was sold by his brothers and send to Egypt) and the leader of his own tribe. He was married and he had children with her. Judah chose Tamar to be the wife of his oldest son Er so he, in theory, knew a bit about her and her family. What we know about her family is that she was probably not Jewish as she in not listed or named as a descendant of Abraham, Isaac or Jacob. Tamar can be seen as a women of integrity doing all she can to follow the cultural rules of her tribe and and Levirite law. She could have either married into a different family or simply stayed a widow. However, she could also have been seen as a co-conspirator with both of her dead husbands and therefore, immoral. Her choice to follow the 'higher' law as set by God and to try and create an heir for Er was risky and dangerous to her reputation as well as her life, but did end up working out for her. In fact, her son Perez gives her not only blessings (and is mentioned in the story of Ruth later in the book), but Perez makes her a direct descendant of King David and part of the Messianic line to Jesus Christ himself. Some people have suggested that the story of Judah and Tamar is put in the scriptures to emphasize how good Joseph was in comparison to his siblings. This story even seems to suggest that Tamar herself was more loyal to the tribe of Judah than he was himself.

Another thought is I really wonder how Tamar was able to pull off the trick. Judah helped pick her for his first son as a wife, married her to his second son who then dies, and was concerned enough about her potential to cause harm to his last son that he risked the wrath of God, etc to not keep his word on the betrothal. His quick temper and enthusiasm to accuse her of adultery and sentence her to death without really talking or doing any research on it suggests to me fear of her as well as anger. So it begs the question: how did he not recognize her... even dressed as a prostitute and not a widow? Can any of you when thinking of the people in your family contemplate the mistake he made? How could he possible not recognize something- voice, movement... anything? I guess I find that stunning and semi- unbelievable.

I also wonder how Tamar felt through all of this. Did she love Er...? Since her marriage was arranged, were they friends, tentatively polite...? How did she feel about marrying her brother in law... and his treatment of her? Heck, what if she loved her first husband and afterward had to deal with her grief and changed circumstances while marrying a man she did have feelings for.... or worse, didn't like at all. Certainly his treatment of her if she did want a child must have been hurtful and frustrating. Then Onan died and here she was alone again... back with her family and childless.

Then the waiting, watching Shelah grow up and imaging her potential life with him... and then realizing it wasn't going to happen. I wonder how long it took her to come to that conclusion and the mixed emotions that came with that.... When she made her plan to prostitute herself to Judah, was it a happy plan.? She didn't really have any way of knowing for sure that it would be successful and end in pregnancy? Would she have been willing to do that more than once...? Did she do that more than once? If nothing else, she must have had some decent acting skills. :) What a painful and challenging set of circumstances for anyone. Some versions of the story suggest she was celibate for the rest of her life while other versions suggest she lived with Judah as his wife and together they raised the twins... how did that work for her in either situation? Were her children worth it for her? Does she have regret for any of this?

So, why do you think this story is in the scriptures? What do you feel or like about this story? Do you feel like you learn anything when reading it? What do you think of Tamar? What might you have done in her place?

The New Friend

It has been approximately two months since I gained a new housemate...namely a new cat! How she joined my quirky entourage is a funny and frankly lucky story, but it feels sufficient for me to say that I came home from church on a blissful and restful Sabbath afternoon and in less than an hour, my day had changed. An impulsive move and a lot of luck... brought a filthy, scrawny ball of energy that was soon hiding under my bed. And like my other three 'strays', she would hiss lightly when I lifted up the end of the futon. It was a funny image to see four cats in a line- three hissing and then Morianna sitting quietly and realizing that at least in this instance, the same mutual concerns of fear and and the unknown were able to allow a new, unknown cat to merge into my small herd with no fuss or territorial squabbling. In fact, you would think they had never known a time without each other. It was pretty amazing to witness and so I could begin to focus on the immediate needs- a bath was really essential as well as potential worming and flea removal and all that sort of thing.

So the next day, I began. After a trip to the pet store after my shift I began the semi arduous and struggling task of corralling the new member and bathing her. I named her Bellatrix – she reminded me of a character in the Harry Potter series, Bellatrix Lestrange, due to the amount of dirt, frizzy hair and the snarl marring her otherwise beautiful face. With a good friend, I managed to clean her without drowning us both and without a large loss of blood on my end. The amount of hair that came tumbling and shedding off into the tub was an amount significantly large enough that when pressed together, it resembled a small guinea pig. However, within a few days, Ms. Bella was eating, purring and quickly became an irreplaceable part of my household. Taking her cue from Morianna, I would find her waiting near the door when I arrived home or running cheerfully towards it to greet me. Treats given from my hand soon encouraged some good closeness and as her weight became more acceptable her fur began to shine and she began to use her new found energy more productively. (She is still too skinny, but she feels more 'solid' now; when I first picked her up she felt like skin wrapped around bird bones... totally light and easily breakable.) A trip to my favorite vet with shots and wormer and she is as good as 'new'... and she has been rechristened Bella as she no longer reminds me of that dark character in the least. Her clear relief at easy food and safety has really come out as she follows me everywhere and guides even my two most stubborn strays to do the same. Her physical beauty and her deep inner joy began to trickle out and now flood into the home environment and I feel her contentment when I come home. It's just a great experience everyday. Today she is at the veterinarian getting spayed and ready to hopefully have a good long life with me. I will truly miss her tonight.

So, I think its official. I am now a 'crazy old cat lady'. The fact that I also own a hamster only puts an even more interesting spin on the funny stereotype, doesn't it? But I feel content and happy. I love coming home to be greeted by two, maybe three friends and I find a little exasperation, but mostly joy in getting covered in cat hair with beautiful, purring sweeties rubbing on my legs and sitting on my lap and bed when I settle. Reading the scriptures next to a purring cat is wonderful for a few reasons. The soft comforting sound helps clear my mind for reading and real study. While doing this I have found that I focus longer as I am pulled in and I find that I don't want to end the moment. That time of peace and comfort has been getting longer as it has become not just something I have been told to do, but something I look forward to throughout my day. When I get home, I see an exciting and happy time about to open... and not the dark lonely nights that I used to feel. (I won't pretend that those nights are all gone, but they feel fewer and far between.) What a beautiful and wonderful gift! I am very grateful. :)

'True North' and Beginning Introspection on Myself and Leadership

One of my classes this semester is on leadership... a quality that I clearly think that I lack. :) One of the first things we were asked to do was read about 'authentic' leadership and to look at the following questions to start assessing the leadership potential that each of us has. So I have posted the questions as well as my answers here. Please be kind. :)

1. What leaders, past or present, do you admire most? What is it about them that you admire? Which of these leader do you consider to be authentic leaders? What can you learn from their leadership?: After my readings and thoughts on the issue only a few names kept pushing their way to the front of my thoughts. These individuals are quite varied in background and I think a few I would be debated with by calling them 'leaders' in the sense that I have tended to see leaders as people that everybody knows or are famous or are rich and powerful. The individuals that I really feel stick out in my mind are: Martin Luther King Jr., King Benjamin (from the Book of Mormon), Anite Stratton, C.S. Lewis and Tamar (from Genesis in the Old Testament). The things that I admire most of about these 'leaders' in some way are very unique to each individual, but all of these people have a few traits in common. Every one of them has courage and was willing to work and risk a lot for the things that they believed in and they felt 'passionate' about. Each individual did their work and pursued their passions not only giving up other easier options, but drawing other people into their lives and their passions changing the world around them. I admire their courage and passion as well as strength and determination to move forward even if success doesn't seem possible and to continue to try. Every single one of these people are authentic leaders beyond doubt. I base this statement on what I believe an authentic leader to be; namely, an individual with a strong internal moral compass, good and passionate purpose, a strong character, true to their understanding of themselves and at all times working towards positive individual development and progression, and establishing and working toward positive and strong relationships with others that are solid, well grounded and strong as well. Each person not only took the time to question life and their assumptions, but to question how they made the assumptions in the first place. These leaders have taught me that the easy way is not always the right way, that I need to be true to myself and what I need but not selfish and clutching, to take risks and not hide in fear and anxiety, and to acknowledge my imperfections and to question myself, my motives and even my needs to determine what I really need and what is real knowledge and worth struggling for. I will give a brief synopsis of these leaders below for those who do not find these individuals familiar to them.

2. Thinking back over all the leadership experiences in your lifetime, which ones are you proudest of? : This is not an easy answer for me. I am not sure that I am proud of any experiences that I have had. I have personally felt that I shouldn't be a leader or be in any position of power over others. I make too many assumptions, I have difficulty with conflict and I have been told by a few people that my communication skills are quite poor and I misunderstand people and their motives frequently. Knowing these traits about myself makes me feel that I shouldn't ever be a leader in any capacity because I do not think that even with passion, strength of character, generosity and positive internal development and motivations, I can overcome my communication difficulties and my lack of full self awareness and discipline. So the list of leadership positions I have been in is small to non existent as I have worked hard to avoid them in my life. Through a few supervisory experiences that I have been given at times when I have been forced to be a very reluctant leader, I can't honestly say that I am proud of any leadership experience in full. I am only proud of aspects of what I accomplished- I don't honestly feel like I can be proud of the job I did as a whole. The aspects I am proud of are my capacity for generosity, my motivation for hard work, my creativity and ability to draw people outside of themselves and their comfort zones to think and ponder, and my attempts to lift the people in my group that I considered the most at risk in terms of health, self esteem, and life challenges. I am not proud of my poor communication, my fear of myself and conflict as well as my inability to stop or deflect negativity towards others, team divisions, or to stop deliberate sabotage- my response is to just sigh and feel annoyed and to to fix the problem indirectly... a response which rarely has worked for me I might add. (I will admit that I am only taking this class because it is mandatory for the honors program and then with the hope that I might learn a few things... it would never have been on my list without the motivation of the honor's program.)

3. Think about the basis for your leadership and the kind of leader you would like to be as you answer these questions: What qualities do I bring to leadership? What leadership qualities would I like to develop further? : I do have several good qualities that I think are important in the basic needs of people in responsible or leadership positions. I am generous, highly motivated and creative. I tend to be quite energetic and I am action oriented- I prefer to get something positive done then spend time just discussing it. I am passionate, loyal and am willing to struggle toward goals wholeheartedly. I easily trust and share with those whose values seem to mimic mine and I do work on being introspective and having consistent positive self development. But I think that is where the good and strong qualities end. If I had the opportunity I would love to have a few of my more negative qualities become either neutral or even positive characteristics. I would love to develop the capacity to truly understand people better during verbal and nonverbal communication and to find more positive ways to manage conflict. It would also be wonderful to understand how to work at keeping teams healthy and how to understand ways of helping when groups are not able to work together. At one point, I spent over five years working at changing the thoughts and behaviors of a faith community when it can to individuals with disabilities and I was only successful in allowing myself to be frustrated, semi-abused and pushed out. I also think that my fear of myself and misunderstanding only presses the likelihood of failure in my communication and success higher. If it was possible to develop better communication skills, more self awareness and understanding as well as self confidence and knowledge I am all for it!

4. Assess yourself against the five dimensions of an authentic leader: Do you understand your purpose? Do you understand your values? Do you lead with my heart? Do you establish connected relationships? Do you demonstrate self discipline? : The short answer is that yes would be the black and white answer to the question. But true assessment leaves quite a bit of gray area. I definitely lead with my heart. When I feel like I understand what is right and necessary I give it everything I have and sometimes more than I should or can afford. In some aspects I am pretty good at self discipline- as an individual with lots of food allergies, I have to be very disciplined to avoid getting sick through food as well as supplies for basic daily living such as soap and envelopes. But I am quite cowardly when it comes to conflict and that is a skill I am currently trying to develop instead of just avoiding it or ignoring it. Some forms of self discipline I am not really good at and they tend to be the ones that are harder to pin a clear negative consequence to. I understand my values and can clearly articulate them, but I am not always sure in some situations how the situations fit into my values code and only in hindsight do I sometimes see that I have not followed my values as strictly as I would have liked. I am able to develop connected relationships, but I am sometimes unsure of boundaries and over the last year, my ability to develop close connected relationships seems to have been severed... at least in the short term.

5. Do you feel that you are more effective as a leader when you are authentic, or does being authentic constrain your leadership effectiveness? : I am not sure how to answer this question honestly... as I do not feel that I have ever really been a truly effective leader. My instinctive answer is that I can only be an effective leader when I am being authentic and I think that must be the correct answer in life as well as class. Trying to be someone you are not or to espouse values that you do not feel are correct is difficult and does eventually do you in -sometimes literally if you are famous for your high values (William Bennett) or even famous period (Tiger Woods). I think that the answer might also depend on what your values actually are to determine effectiveness. Some well known business leaders chased the companies they led but walked away with millions of dollars and compensation- if they were trying to become rich at any cost they were quite effective, but not really as effective if they were trying to create a great, trustworthy and solid business/company. Whatever most people think of Bill Clinton, statistically a great majority see him as an effective leader even though the majority would also say his moral compass was out of whack. The opposite is true of George W. Bush. In some ways he does appear to easily fit the mold as an authentic leader... but the majority of people appear to see him as a failed leader overall.

6. Are you consciously developing your leadership abilities at this time? : The easy answer is not really. Right now all of my mental focus is glued onto working on my family relationships, finding stability in my life, working on my goals and developing a better understanding of myself. I think that only the last focus really cleanly fits into developing positive and effective abilities. However, this understanding I am attempting to develop is my focus to understand me and to help me find stability and a clear sense of purpose again in my life. Frankly, in many ways it is a selfish focus as I want this ability for 'me' first and only want the benefits of it as a secondary bonus.

My Leader Synopsis: Every one of these people that I discuss have changed the world for the better. I will admit that I thought of a lot more, but these are the ones that really 'stuck' when I was reading about the above assignment and the people that I think about recently when pondering positive changes in my life. All of these individuals have radically changed the world that I live in for the better.

1. Martin Luther King Jr – became the defacto leader of the civil rights movement in the United States. His passion, action, and work toward social welfare and racial equality in my country and its positive consequences cannot be adequately defined in only a small paragraph.






2. King Benjamin – is the story of the ruler/king of Zarahemla. He was a man who was passionate about his faith and his people and he worked tirelessly to support himself (unusual thing in a king) and to teach his people fidelity to God and service and kindness to themselves and others. He focuses on peace and good works and tried to teach everyone by his example and his work as well as by his words. His final speech to his people focus on gratitude, faith, service, and the obligations that everyone had to the fellow beings and to God. His speeches and works were quoted by other prophets and leaders for decades after his death according to written words and tradition.



3. Anite Stratton – is a wonderful woman who I am lucky enough to call friend. She is a woman devoted to helping children and other individuals who have severe life difficulties. She is currently the mother of eight children (maybe more at this time... I am not always up to date) many of whom have come through the foster system. She is patient, dedicated to helping others and her passion is focused not only on helping the 'ordinary' child, but also the child with severe difficulties. Her love and passion seem to have no bounds as she will work with anyone who wants to learn and will support anyone who is truly trying to better themselves.

4. C.S. Lewis – is a beloved author and Christian apologist. His passion for self introspection developed into a strong Christian faith during his college years and it infused all of his life and works until his death in 1963. He was a leader in literacy and in Christian thought as well as in quiet good works such as charitable donations. He did not allow an assumption brought to his attention to stand unless appropriately defended and worked tirelessly to convince others to look deeply, to challenge assumptions, to follow the Christian faith (he was generally positive to wards all faiths and didn't work to degrade any faith- however, he felt that Christianity was 'right'.) He didn't believe that certain genres of writing were 'lesser' and wrote for almost all genres... and in doing so reinvigorated and remade the way these genres were viewed and written (such as childrens literature.)

5. Tamar – is the story of a woman who lived during the time of the famous Joseph; ' Joseph and his Technicolor Dream-Coat'. She married the son of Judah (one of the elder brother's of said Joseph) named Er who died before they had conceived children. She was then married according to commandment and tradition to the next oldest son of Judah named Onan. However, Onan was unwilling to have children with Tamar and did his best to avoid doing so which according to tradition led to his death. At this point, Judah decides that Tamar is 'cursed' and so he lies to her- asking her to wait until his youngest son is old enough to marry her, but in actually never intends to have his son Shelah do so as is evidenced as the years go by without the marriage taking place. Tamar finds herself in a difficult situation as she sees no way to fulfill the promises that she has given to God to continue the hereditary line of Judah and also as a widow has no status and little honor. In short, she has no opportunity for future love or marriage, maternity, or even justice. Tamar understanding herself, her community and current family as well as having a passion and determination to follow through on her commitments develops a plan to fulfill her commitments and she waits for her father in law Judah at the side of a road when she knows he will be walking by. Wearing a veil, he does not recognize her and, mistaking her for a prostitute, propositions her and is accepted. She accepted his signet ring as a temporary payment and presents it to him in a few months when she is discovered to be pregnant. She bears twins and is later married to Judah according to some traditions. Her children become the forbears of other famous individuals.


(On an end note, I wonder what it says about me that most of the leaders I admire most are long dead....)

Different Visions of Perfection

"It all comes back to one...
For it is He and He alone...
Who has lived the only perfect life we've known" - Michael W. Smith

Perfection – a state of completeness and flawlessness
- 'a finishing' or to 'be finished'; complete
- which is so good nothing could be better
- which has attained its purpose

I have never understood the idea of perfection. Don't get me wrong- I understand the concept and what the word means and symbolizes. But really, what is perfection anyway? I wonder what answers we would get if we placed twenty people around a table and discussed it. I think that the first two minutes would be caught up in the definitions formerly stated... but what happens when you ask for examples? Would we get caught up in pointing at people and certain characteristics that we consider perfect? Or people that 'look' perfect and appear to have the perfect life to us? If we really tried to point at perfection and what is means to us, what would we point at? I wonder if many of us would end up pointing at Jesus and saying that's perfection.

That opens up questions for me though. I am not questioning whether Jesus is and was perfect. I have a strong testimony of my Savior. But I can easily open up the scriptures and find examples of behavior that I would consider imperfect in myself... in some ways I might even consider sinful. One example is anger. Just a random pulling of a few scriptures discussed that anger is a bad thing.

Proverbs 14:17 – He that is soon angry dealith foolishly....

Proverbs 27:4 – Wrath is cruel, and anger is outrageous.....

Genesis: 49:7 – Cursed be their anger, for it was fierce....

If you look at the words of the prophets and members of the priesthood who speak at conference or even in your local sacrament meeting, rarely can someone find a quote that anger can ever have a good purpose.... yet Jesus showed anger. So... when in anger OK? In perfection, showing anger is acceptable -so anger itself is not a sin.

So after thinking about this idea, what do you think? How do you feel about anger? Is anger a black and white idea in that it is either really bad or good... and how can you decide which forms of anger (or at least angry behavior) is truly acceptable and not sinful? ...And what other emotions and acts can be righteous and unrighteous in your opinion... depending on how they are done?

Christmas Inspiration from the Prophets

Over the last month, I have been looking for inspiration. This last year has been really tough and I will admit that I think that this is the most painful Christmas I have ever looked forward to. Christmas has always seemed so beautiful and easy and a time for family to be together. This year my family will be together... but we will be separate in so many ways. So I have continued to do the things that I do for trying to heal my spirit- I read my scriptures, pray, try to think positive thoughts and attempt to accomplish 'good' …. whatever that might mean to my mind at the time. Over the last month as I have been searching, I found a letter that my grandmother saved with these three quotes. And so I have read them and pondered over them. It appears that she saved these quotes for at least a few decades.

Christmas is a fitting time to renew our desires and to strengthen our determination to do all that lies within our power to make real among men the message heralded by the angels when the Savior was born. Let us glorify God by seeking the good, the true, the beautiful. Let us strive to establish peace on earth by exercising that same good toward one another which God has shown toward us!...

Love for God and for one another should be the Christmas theme. Such was the divine announcement by the heavenly host that first heralded the “glad tidings of great joy!”
- David O. McKay

Christmas has had the effect of turning men's thoughts to Christ and to his doctrine and works. We are apt to forget the character of the structure which he built; and some are even prone to consider that his ideals are impracticable. Men have said that the theories which he taught are beautiful, but that under modern arrangements, these cannot be put into practice.

Yet now he is of all value, and exercises all influence, for only through him are we saved... During this holiday season there are... souls who enter into the enjoyment of the rich blessings and who do their full share to glorify the life of their fellows.... All... may well find profit in the spirit of Christmas, and by good deeds or blessed sacrifice seek for that gift of inward wealth to be found by a close study of the life, character, and gospel of Jesus Christ, and by adherence to his doctrines.
- Joseph F. Smith

“Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace and good will toward men.” Thus the hosts of heaven rejoiced when the savior was born and good tidings of great joy were proclaimed to all people. A new star appeared and a new dispensation was ushered in...

We are grateful for what he has done, and gladly honor his natal day. Remembering the offering he made, the anguish that he suffered; glorying in the resurrection and promise of eternal life, we hallow and revere his holy name. Let us so live that when our day on earth is done, we shall be worthy to be one with him, as he and the Father are one.

To my fellowmen I commend the life of Jesus of Nazareth as the profoundest ideal of the ages.
- George Albert Smith

I share these quotes with you in the hopes that I can share a tiny bit of my heart... and I hope that everyone has a good Christmas. May we all be safe and able to enjoy the time with our families, the time to reflect on our goals and our life, and the thankfulness for our blessings. Merry Christmas! :)

History of a Song: October - “How Firm a Foundation”

This is one of the earliest 'hymns' that I remember learning at church. I had the experience (and I think others probably have as well) of growing up in the church and finding over the first several years comfort in the playing of a 'familiar' song in the meetings. Most of the songs that are taught in Primary are not hymns that are regularly sung in any of the other church meetings. So your 'favorites' tend to be the few songs that are especially well liked with your ward chorister or the few songs that are universally popular throughout most of the English speaking Mormon church. I also liked that the song was upbeat- so many hymns are slow and if you do know have a good testimony of the words and a strong background in reading music, you can find yourself mouthing nothingness trying to pick out words and wrapping your brain around the unfamiliar lyrics and rhythm.

This hymn is believed to have been written by a man named Robert Keen and it is believed to have first been brought to the United States by Dr. John Rippon, a Baptist minister from London, England. There is dispute on who wrote it because the only original copy known to exist came with Dr Rippon and it was signed only with a 'K'. The composer of the musical accompaniment is not known but it is thought that the music was written in 1787. It is also believed that this hymn was written based upon the scripture verses found in Isaiah 43:1-7.

One of the reasons that I love this song is that it seems to me to be impossible to not find comfort and encouragement from listening to or singing this hymn. This song is so powerful to me that I have sometimes been unable to sing it and have found myself sitting or standing with my eyes closes listening... just listening... and it feels as if the last few verses are being sung just to me. A personal message from Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.... that they care and have all of their thoughts and energies concentrated on me... I don't feel like one of the large number that in reality I am :)

Fear Not, I am with thee; Oh be not dismayed!
For I am thy God, and will still give thee aid;
I'll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand
Upheld by my righteous, omnipotent hand

When through the deep waters I call thee t go,
the rivers of sorrow shall not thee o'erflow
For I will be with thee, thy troubles to bless,
And sanctify to thee thy deepest distress


And I do not think that I am alone in these thoughts. This song is sung in hundreds of Christian churches around the world, in many different denominations and languages. It has been the favorite song of many and has been sung at the funerals of quite a few famous Americans including Robert E. Lee, President Theodore Roosevelt, Woodrow Wilson and Andrew Jackson. This song is #85 in the current LDS songbook. It has also been produced by the Mormon Tabernacle Choir and other misc Christian artists including Fernando Ortega.

If you have any thoughts, inspiration, or experiences you would like to share from your life that are related to this song, please do so. :)

Scripture Study: Pearl of Great Price Moses 1:35

Sometimes I feel like I am just another ant on this planet rushing around and killing myself with work- much of which isn't eternally useful. So sometimes I feel myself get lost in the scriptures because I can sit and do 'nothing'... OK, well maybe not nothing :) A few days ago, I just randomly picked them up and flipped to the back. Moses chapter one fell open and I began to read. One verse really stuck out at me:

35 But only an account of this earth, and the inhabitants thereof, give I unto you. For behold, there are many worlds that have passed away by the word of my power. And there are many that now stand, and innumerable are they unto man; but all things are numbered unto me, for they are mine and I know them.

I have thought about it in quiet moments over the last few days. No matter how busy and infinitely small I feel... "all things are numbered unto me".

No one is alone- no matter how much we feel that we are. Our lives and souls are known. We are great spiritual beings who are dealing with the difficulty of being a human being. What a great thought!

Prayer, Service and a U-Turn

Today, until just recently I was having a great day. I felt so peaceful and just... happy. I really couldn't find anything that seemed to break in and distress the 'groove' so to speak.... until this afternoon. I am disappointed that I can be so easily acted upon and I am really disappointed that I 'allow' myself to have negative reactions to things. Even when something isn't good and is negative, it doesn't mean that I need to dwell on it and it doesn't mean that I have to forget all the good that I am surrounded with. So why do I have such a hard time focusing on the positives?

Anyway, I decided to pick up my scriptures and do a 'random' reading. Yesterday at church, there was a great discussion by two members of the stake presidency on the importance of scripture reading. I have sat through MANY lessons on this topic throughout my life with small variations based on teaching skills and class interest and focus, but essentially they have been all the same. You must read your scriptures because:

1. It is a commandment and you will be held accountable.- Some teachers have suggested that you will be cursed for not reading, others have suggested that you will 'lose blessings' without appropriate scripture study, and others have gone to even more interesting lengths; one I remember in particular is John Bytheway who thought we 'might' have to confess to the actual prophets who wrote these books after we die that we didn't read them because … *** insert lame excuse here***.

2. If the scriptures are a gift given to us by a loving Heavenly Father to help guide us, give answers and advice, and offer comfort and hope... then how ungrateful are we if we allow this positive and loving gift to sit on the shelf collecting dust? I know of one member who was born in the church and while she has had periods of inactivity she has for the most part been a faithful attendee (she confessed to me several months ago that she has never read the Book of Mormon.) How many others of my faith fit in into this mold?

The phrase 'reading the scriptures' is one of the best generic answers for church. Any question asked with very few exceptions can be answered with it and it will be an unassailable answer. But while it is an 'easy answer', it tends to not be an easy thing to do. And the lesson on Sunday mentioned that when we pray, our answers from God are more likely to come from the scriptures than anything else. I have always thought that answers would come in many other ways as well as scriptures- instead I learned that if you do not read your scriptures, you are less likely to receive answers at all. The stake presidency also talked about how scripture study is uniting- that those who read the scriptures become bound closer to others, even if they are not reading them together. He said that scripture study helps you to interpret true miracles as well.

So today.... today, when I felt confused and sad, I picked up my scriptures and opened them randomly and landed on Alma chapter 34. These verses really pulled me and I read them over and over for almost a quarter of an hour.

17 Therefore may God grant unto you, my brethren, that ye may begin to exercise your faith unto repentance, that ye begin to call upon his holy name, that he would have mercy upon you;

18 Yea, cry unto him for mercy; for he is mighty to save.

19 Yea, humble yourselves, and continue in prayer unto him.

20 Cry unto him when ye are in your fields, yea, over all your flocks.

21 Cry unto him in your houses, yea, over all your household, both morning, mid–day, and evening.

22 Yea, cry unto him against the power of your enemies.

23 Yea, cry unto him against the devil, who is an enemy to all righteousness.

24 Cry unto him over the crops of your fields, that ye may prosper in them.

25 Cry over the flocks of your fields, that they may increase.

26 But this is not all; ye must pour out your souls in your closets, and your secret places, and in your wilderness.

27 Yea, and when you do not cry unto the Lord, let your hearts be full, drawn out in prayer unto him continually for your welfare, and also for the welfare of those who are around you.

28 And now behold, my beloved brethren, I say unto you, do not suppose that this is all; for after ye have done all these things, if ye turn away the needy, and the naked, and visit not the sick and afflicted, and impart of your substance, if ye have, to those who stand in need—I say unto you, if ye do not any of these things, behold, your prayer is vain, and availeth you nothing, and ye are as hypocrites who do deny the faith.

(Book of Mormon | Alma 34:17 - 28)

I realized that I have not prayed enough lately. I have cried (probably more than necessary I should think :) but I have closed myself off from many but I have also started in my pain to close myself off from my Father. Until that moment I hadn't really realized it. Lately, I have given a short prayer and immediately fallen into sleep. If I wake a few hours later, my brain simply continues a circular pattern of the same fairly horrible feelings and thoughts that have been running through my subconscious for a few months now... and the thoughts will continue for hours until exhausted I fall asleep again. In verses 27-28, Amulek (the speaker) reminds his audience that it is not enough to pray constantly about your welfare, but you must also pray for the welfare of others. I was struck suddenly by the idea that if I am not constantly working for my good but also the good of others, my prayers will be next to useless. I will be crying and begging just to hear the sound of my own voice. Sounds embarrassing and foolish.

So I think I have been doing things a little backwards lately. I have been volunteering and spending my free time working to help my family and others and exhausting myself so that I do not have time to think... no time to read scriptures... and no energy to pray. So I think I need to make a 180 degree change... and start praying more, reading more... and then volunteer and continue to do my work for my family and for others. This may help me find the path I have been looking for over the last few years.