Surgery Update

Yesterday was a pretty big day for me. It was two weeks after surgery and I got to go in and get the splint off and see what was going on underneath it and get a cast. I've never had a cast before so I was quite surprised by how many different colors they had - even camouflage and a pastel mix -and I finally settled on a light blue in the hopes that it would be a little bit flattering. My toes look like they're peeking out of a beautifully color-coordinated bed... Which certainly doesn't happen in my real bed ever. 😃



The incision and suture marks look surprisingly clean and everything appears to be healing pretty well. I was able to get the sutures out and they think I might even get my cast off a little early which I'm excited about. Here are the images of the incision below.

I still have plenty of time to rest and I spent most of the rest of yesterday just listening to 90s music. Matchbox Twenty and Barenaked Ladies help keep me sort of calm and sitting when I want to move around and be twitchy. In fact, I'm pretty much doing a 90's marathon and reading today. I will confess I'm getting a little tired of being on the couch all the time and I'm looking forward to being able to be a little bit more active-it's even harder with the ADHD that makes we want to be everywhere and use the time much more productively. I think the cats are looking forward to me being a little bit more active as well. Even they are getting bored with me just hanging out.so the four-week countdown begins and hopefully I won't have to have it responded again. Let's see how things go.

Catch Up

Whew! Sometimes life just sneaks up on you. I feel like I will be coasting along pretty well for a bit and then the world tips slightly and everything slides to the side and falls down. Then I end up spending way too much time trying to pick everything back up and level up my life again. IT doesn't necessarily mean that everything is bad, just a jumble of positive and negative tumbled together that needs to be carefully winnowed out and restored to its appropriate place in my life. These times are hard but something I try to be thankful for. After all, these times help define our goals and then our lives. You never learn as much as you do when you are trying to evaluate what is important and necessary and what must be laid aside... no matter how important it still feels to you. The Buddhist principle of impermanence is a wonderful thing to learn even if it isn't a principle that is the slightest bit easy or comfortable... at least its not for me.

Overall, things are going OK. Finances are still pretty shaky and I am not fully stable as I would like to be in that regard. However, I have plenty to eat and my insurance is covering the majority of my medical bills- I can't fathom what I would do without insurance with my health problems. Just this month alone I have six appointment and 2 MRIs. My monthly doctor's visits would put me into bankruptcy if I didn't have insurance. Having Ehler's Danlos can be a bit of a trial sometimes and having insurance really is critical fro a decent quality of life. I am very grateful that I do have health insurance and wish that this country could get it together and provide single payer healthcare. No one should have to go without healthcare due to expense.

I am back to wearing a brace on my left ankle as it doesn't want to stay fully in its socket. The brace is controlling it well so I tend to have moments that I forget I am dealing with that problem. I have learned not to sit on it or to sit indian style- those are errors I will pay for fairly quickly both in inappropriate joint movement and pain. I also am trying to learn to pivot more slowly instead of quick turning 'jolts' to change direction.

MY car has been fixed and for the moment the fuzzy parts of the household are healthy. Watson passed away last weekend and that has been a sad experience- I still feel like I can see him lope along in my peripheral vision when I am moving throughout the house. However, everyone that was very ill has passed on at this point and I am hopeful for a period of time of good health for me and my fuzzy companions.

Sleep has improved a bit which is helpful. I would definitely prefer better sleep every day- the nightmares are not helpful most nights. However, they are improving or at least I'm having fewer of them... that's progress! Sometimes when I wake up from a nightmare, I hear the lyrics of a BareNaked Ladies song in my head:

I wake up scared. I wake up strange. Its the hair shirt I wear. This hair shirt is woven from your brown hair. This song is the cross that I bear... bear with me... bear with me... - "What a Good Boy"

Strange lyrics for strange dreams I guess...

I hate when I get so busy that I do not write. I really like writing. I should do it more.

Grief

Someone once told me that grief hurts so much because it is love that has nowhere to go. The love you have that you want to share is trapped inside you and escapes through your tears and the shaking that those tears create in the rest of your body. Most days I am doing well. I have so many wonderful things happening and I have so much to point to with gratitude and joy. But some days, I find it harder to focus on the good things. I found myself sitting with Bug today watching different pieces of the Harry Potter films and thinking about my grandparents. I thought of my grandmother laughing, serving turkey and gravy to everyone with a dishtowel tucked into her apron. I thought of the look she would get when she would look at me- like I was an amazing treasure in her eyes. I thought of my grandfather and how just a few months ago, I was able to sit next to his hospital bed and hold his hand. I could feel the warmth and strength in it... and also the fragility. When I left to return to Maine I cried, because I was worried it was the last time I would see him alive... and it was.

I have spent much of this evening thinking of both of my grandparents who I didn't get to spend enough of my time with and lost so much time with them that I dearly wish I could have now. So sometimes, I find myself sitting quietly in the dark with the tears running so quickly down my face that everything is a blur and my glasses are too coated to afford vision. And while I sit and pray and feel desperately alone in my grief, I hear the small soft sounds of cat paws. And within a few minutes I am no longer alone. I have Mina glued to my side like coconut oil and Minion's comforting weight upon my lap. I listen to Roccu sitting on the top of the couch behind me, purring fit to burst. And for that moment, the darkness seems to ease and I no longer feel alone. No, I didn't have enough time with my grandparents and I regret that very much. But I am also grateful because I was given more time with them than I might have gotten. Grief is a process and I know I will work through it, but for tonight it holds me in its grip and I will embrace it until I am able to feel the peace enter my heart again. I know I will see them both again someday, but for now that feels like 'some day' too long.

Nothing worth having comes without some kind of fight... Got to kick at the darkness 'til it bleeds daylight - Barenaked Ladies

So Many Blessings

I'm a bit worn out and frantic tonight with a head full of thoughts traveling a hundred miles a minute. I will confess I should be doing homework and I can't seem to. I am finding myself just thinking and wishing and trying to think good thoughts about angry people. As I realized today that I am spiraling into a bad place, I thought that I would take a moment to really count out some blessings that I have. I am sure that I will not remember enough- I take many blessings for granted, but I will admit that I am a pretty lucky lady.

I have five amazing cats! They are so happy on the days that I only work half days because we can spend time together. We eat and laugh and run on the treadmill together as they jump on and slide off. It is hard to get lost in your thoughts when you have to watch for cats underfoot on a fast moving belt. My treadmill is starting to wear out which is pretty sad but i have had it a few years and i will admit I do beat them up. :)

I have a great place to live. It's cute and small and just feels comfortable. Brock loves it as well and we spent some of today wandering in the woods looking at the birds and picking up trash from the previous tenants that had blown into woods behind the house. We filled up the trunk of my car with trash- not that much but it's bulky stuff and I'll drop it off on my way to work tomorrow.

My Boo is my joy. It is awesome that he still wants to spend so much time with me. I always imagined a teenager who was aloof and somewhat distant, but that isn't what I have. I have a young man who still loves my hugs, wants kisses on his nose and is willing to talk my ear off on walks about what's in his mind. I know that will probably change someday, but I am enjoying it while it lasts.

I have a well running car, Old but useful, and an ex who loves to fix it when it has problems. I use the car for so much between CPR and pharmacy work and school that I am constantly racking up the miles. But it rarely lets me down. That's awesome considering its 20 years old.

I have fallen in love with the ferrets myself. I never really imagined having such silly pets- they are weasels you know.... but they are awesome. Sometimes they will climb into bed with me and curl up under the covers like cats. They are soft and Strawberry will lie there and lick my chin as I fall asleep. It's neat. yes, they can be a pain but they are teaching me so much and Brock loves them so much I sometimes wonder if his heart would burst with feeling of it. He gives them horsey rides on his back, extra treats and just snuggles and chats with them, giggling when they kiss him. I look at them and smile... I can't help it.

I have a few really amazing friends. They watch over me and put up with my silliness, my PTSD, my fears and anxieties and more foibles that I would like to admit. They keep me smiling when things get tough and love me no matter how weird I get. Those are some of the most amazing blessings of my life. :)

I have the gospel of Jesus Christ in my life. I have my scriptures- both large print and small- that I can use when ever I want. I have opportunities to pray, to ask questions, to love, and to talk with my Heavenly Parents. While everyone should have that opportunity, I am grateful that I do see it as an opportunity and not a must do or requirement. I am grateful for books and chat groups that help bring me closer to him, to other members, to gospel principles, to change, and to revelation.

I am grateful for opportunities to provide service for others, whether its a couple of bucks so that someone can get gas, or a hug, or laughter. I love to give others laughter. I just love to be able to serve other people and dive deep into their humanity and therefore, my own. And I am grateful for those who serve me. Thanks for my awesome home teacher and friend who gave me a blessing last month even though I live so far away. And my awesome visiting teacher who tries to keep up with me even when I am so busy I am running around in circles. She is one of the most amazing people I have ever met. I am very blessed to know some very good people from church and from my community. We may not agree on everything, but for the most part.... we all agree on love and I can't ask for more than that!

I am grateful for my son's service dog. He always sees me and just seems so amazingly happy. He grunts with pleasure and rubs up against me until he is exhausted. If I get behind on walks, he comes back to find me and to motivate me to join the group again even if I have to push myself harder. He wags every time he sees me and will happily climb up and join me on my lap- a tough feat for a huge labrador retriever.... he does it though.

I am extremely grateful for the relationship that I have with my ex. So many people see us chatting and working together with Brock and just seems astonished. I get at least one comment from somebody a month about how they simply couldn't do it- they just couldn't be nice to someone who has hurt them so badly. It's funny but I do not see my relationship with him as that remarkable. We were always such strong friends.... I can't imagine living with just anger directed at someone I need to work with on a daily basis. I think that would kill us all. So instead, we are building a different cell... where Bug is still the nucleus and we work together to create peace and beauty in both of our lives. That both of us could come to this place is a blessing that I do not take for granted.

I am grateful for music. I have so much music that I can surround myself with to bring myself joy or to help sort difficult emotions that I am trying to deal with. I love being able to walk on the tread mill and sing to the music that I am listening to ... to be able to dance to music even though I am a terrible dancer. I enjoy making breakthroughs in both thought and writing through poetry and music. I do not want to imagine life without it. Currently Rob Thomas/ Matchbox 20 and Barenaked Ladies seem to be what keeps pulling me in. I can really accomplish things when I'm listening to them.

I am grateful for food and clean water. So many people are not blessed to have that and to have them pretty accessible to me is a great blessing indeed.

I love my Fitbit. Even when I am struggling, it helps to motivate me to keep moving and to move more. To keep moving, even when I am tired or depressed. Even when I feel lazy. heck, just the idea of it keeps me moving even when I forget to wear it or it dies because I didn't charge it. A good placebo. :)

I love my bed. It was given to me a few months ago and I have been stunned about how well i love it. I have always been a futon girl and couldn't imagine anything better. But the bed I have now with memory foam and other stuff is simply amazing. I tend to sleep quite well as long as my head lets me. And since its a king size there is plenty of room for the cats to share with me. Heck, I can sit and watch a movie with two other people on my bed and three cats and we all have room. It's pretty awesome.

I have warmth, fun and snuggly blankets and decent clothing. I tend to wear out my clothing faster than I should so I am always on the hunt for more- threw out six socks,some garments, 1 pair of PJ pants this week alone due to tears, huge holes, etc... I am really hard on socks... but I think they are my favorite form of clothing.... so I have on a new pair tonight and my feet are definitely ready for bed.

I love books and I have no shortage of them. I have spiritual and religious books, history, self help, children's, literature, mystery, novels, comic books... some of everything. I love reading and can't imagine life without books either. I have a book with me everywhere I go... even if I know that the chances of having time to read are slim. I just feel like my bag is empty until I have a book in it. What a blessing to live in a country where I can get books everywhere. I probably spent too much on books, but I figure there are worse hobbies. ;)

There is so much more, but I am headed to bed. I am grateful to be home early so that I can go to sleep and prepare for the morning... for work and friends and food and love. What are you grateful for? What means the most to you tonight as it gets cold and the sky turns dark...?