Peace

When I was waiting to get my taxes completed today, I picked up book and glanced through it. This line brought me up short and I am still mentally picking it apart this evening.

If it costs you your peace, it’s too expensive.

This statement could be used as a yardstick for almost everything in life. When you read it, what was the first thing that popped into your mind? Does it bring you peace... or does it cost to much? A powerful thought to chew on today.





(I apologize that I can't attribute the quote to anyone. I wasn't able to find an original source)

bell hooks: Links and Thoughts on "Cultural Criticism and Transformation"

I just spent some time watching some a discussion and critique by bell hooks on American media and society. I found it difficult to watch... didn't necessarily agree with everything, but here are some of my thoughts. The links for the full talk are here, here, and here.

My first thought was that this author is the first person I have heard in years who uses the word agency outside of my church /religious faith. Every Sabbath I attend church I will hear at least one mention of the word agency in discussions on choices, consequences, the Plan of Salvation, and even gossip of mild judgment directed towards another member.   So I have gotten very used to hearing that particular word in a very specific setting with very specific meanings.  When I try to have discussions with people about helping individuals with problems such as drug abuse, debt, or homelessness, the conversation is always quickly steered into finger pointing and firm testimonies that these 'people' have made bad choices, could have made different ones and should now 'reap what they have sown'. I have never felt like I have had the words and language to really explain how I feel differently - that I believe you can only make choices that you recognize as true choices and if you do not see the choice.... how can you choose it? (I have no idea if that last sentence made a lot of sense.)  bell hooks gave me the wording that I have been looking for in this quote:

"Entitlement... a sense of agency is profoundly different [and] open to embracing ... an imagination into the future." 

I have spent a bit of time pondering these thoughts and watched this particular section a few times to make sure I internalized it.  I look back at my life and see the choices that I made to focus on marriage and family and not become a marine biologist or veterinarian and I see how while I had choices... I really didn't see the choices that I had.  So at 41 years old I am attending college and I am thrilled to be doing so yet am pretty much behind the bell curve age wise.  It's great to be able to open up and see what other choices there are out there that really are choices that I can make.  It really is freeing and I do feel like I have more imagination for my future and what I can make of it.  :)

Another thing that stuck out to me through her discussion was that Darth Vader was given a 'black voice'. (I am not convinced this was a racist decision, but I digress...) I haven't seen any of the Stars Wars movies since I was a teenager, but I think I recall that when Darth Vader was unmasked at the end of one film by his son Luke Skywalker, he was pale, white... sort of bloated looking.  It's interesting that James Earl Jones did the voice (I think that was the voice I recognized from the clips, but when the character was unmasked he wasn't actually black at all.  Am I remembering that right?  Any fans out there?  As I was thinking about this I thought about J.K. Rowlings and the Harry Potter books and how in reading most books, the general rule of thumb is that the character is white until proven otherwise.  Some Harry Potter fan sites have drawings and portraits of some of the characters where Hermione is brown or black and other characters look differently that they are portrayed in the movies and possibly in our minds.  I wonder about how it feels to read books where most of the characters are not necessarily like you... I think I just discovered anew another form of white privilege... as almost all characters I read about are made in my image. To have the 'proactive sense' of agency that Ms. Hooks talks about seems to mean more than critical thinking in my mind... more than an understanding of responsibility...  it requires true focus and vigilance about all thoughts imagined, all behavior committed, recognizing where you receive favor and where others do not.  I cannot imagine a more difficult task and one that will certainly take a lifetime to even delve past the surface of for most of us.... especially me.


Intersectional analysis is such a valuable and important way to look at information because it gives the researcher or interested party a better understanding of the causes, needs, choices, and motives of those being studied.  While simple, looking at pieces of information in small bits doesn't really give us a true and clear image. A white male moves in his space and makes decisions based not only on color and privilege, but background, environment, family, education, needs and desires, etc...  A female will do the same...  We can not truly separate ourselves from the disparate parts of ourselves that, inadvertently or wonderfully, help us to determine our choices and our life paths.  No matter how much education I get, no matter how well liked I am, I will still find limits to what I can accomplish due to experience biases, gender, environment, etc...  A woman of my age with all similar information who happens to be black has even more limits to struggle against.  To truly understand and try and change a cultural and social problem, if must be truly examined.  For instance, the text mentions how people of different genders and races are more likely to be paid according to these factors and not necessarily on education, experience, etc...  So making a change to standard pay for specific jobs will not really solve the problem even if it appears to temporarily.  Only by understanding the other aspects behind unequal pay and working to change them as well gives us a real shot at true cultural change.  Understanding how historical patterns of oppression still live on in our culture today helps us to look at ourselves, our friends and our communities and that steps towards making our communities more equitable are possible for us.  If we cannot recognize how race, gender, sex, etc... create our relationships with ourselves, our families and our communities... we will find ourselves struggling to truly understand what hinders us.  Like the seven blind monks who are touching an elephant and believe that each have something different at hand than the others, the elephant can remain hidden... even when in plain sight.

photos from: http://www.nndb.com/people/593/000115248/, https://www.pinterest.com/lilyt888999/harry-%2B-ron-%2B-hermione/, http://www.jainworld.com/literature/story25.htm

Only Once...

Sacrament meeting had a very interesting effect on me today - I am not sure I was ready for it. I found myself listening happily to the talk when I looked into a different pew and saw a family. Just a simple family listening and trying to help the kids be quiet and as I watched, I absolutely felt my mind change. The longing for that simple experience that this family has every Sunday and takes for granted was so painful and so despairing to my heart that I could no longer hear the speaker... I could only sit and think as I felt the tears run down my face. And the words that came to mind began with “Only once...” And as I sat, here is what came to mind.

Only once have I sat in a Sacrament meeting side by side with my husband- on the day that my son was blessed.

Only once have I really loved- fiercely, romantically, fully. It still burns inside me today and I can't seem to change it... it feels like it will always be there and that I am tied and bound by it. It no longer feels safe.

Only once have I gone to Europe and that trip to Paris with my future husband is a memory that I cherish. Paris was beautiful and wonderful and culturally strange and enticing to me. I would love to do it again.

Only once have I lost a best friend due to their choice and betrayal... in that sense I am lucky as others may have had worse...

Only once have I seen an egg hatch into a tadpole and over time become a small frog.

Only once have I been pregnant... and felt life grow and swell inside me.

Only one have I gone to the temple to do my endowments...

Only once have I married... and after the pain of that forced separation I do not imagine I will do it again.

Only once have I sat with my son in Sacrament meeting since he has been able to sit on his own... I do so wish to do it again.

Only once have I sat in Sacrament meeting with my son and my husband while his girlfriend sat on the other side of him. Later he got his wish and his divorce, but for that moment we sat in church as a family.

Only once have I mourned a soul so strongly who is still living that it felt as if they were dead. And since they are alive I still mourn... I wonder how much longer it will go on.

My mind feels so hurt that I need to focus on getting through the day. I will admit I didn't expect that trial today and feel a little blindsided. These thoughts are so painful to digest right now... I am so grateful that some of them were positive- almost like my optimistic sense was trying to find the small gifts of joy in the despair. Send good thoughts, ok....

Cupcakes and Thought

Yesterday, I snuck out of work at lunch to buy a cupcake. Not just any cupcake, but a fancy, big, full of gluten cupcake! I forgot that today was the last day for one of my co-workers who is headed off to a new job and I wanted to give her something. And the fact that I am broke and not willing to buy or make desserts for myself but I’m running around on my lunch time to buy a cupcake for someone else was something that I thought was a really interesting choice. So I gave it to her when I got back and a big hug and settled in for an afternoon of patients and testing and business and let my mind wander. And while I was being introspective, I discovered a few things.

The first was that I really work at a pretty cool place. I think I have known that for a bit, but even with its problems – as all places have problems- it’s pretty amazing. It feels a lot like Miller Drug did when Bill Miller still owned it and it was a business that cared about both its customers and employees. After he sold it and retired, everything changed quickly and I am so grateful that I no longer work there- those I know who do really struggle to feel anything positive and turnover is pretty astonishing. With the exception of two co-workers I love them all… and I get the feeling that they like me too. I work with several people of my faith so I feel a kindred spirit that I haven’t had the opportunity to have before… heck, most of them moved from Las Vegas as well. Isn’t that an amazing coincidence. :) I have only been at this job for about five months and while I do see some of the challenges and not every day goes smoothly, I can feel myself relax into a routine that feels quite nice. I spend the day helping patients, working as a team player and being valued for it, and as I learn a new occupation, I am finding myself learning new strengths and helping myself to grow in new ways. This place doesn’t have a great deal of turnover and has a few employees who have left for other jobs and then come back to work here again. (I think that says something pretty good on its own.) I haven’t really worked closely with patients since my emergency medicine days and as I gradually return to similar work, I realize how much I missed working with people and trying to help them improve their health and help through crisis, etc… But I have also found that I just love working with people who seem to love working with me. I’ve always found a handful of people in every place that I have worked that seemed to like and respects me, but not a majority and certainly not in such a way that many people would stick up for me- and feel they were in a safe enough, stable environment to do so. And it was in that thought that I realized that even though I do not know the co worker really well, she has been consistently kind and nice and I didn’t feel comfortable not acknowledging that… even if I could only do it in a small way. That in itself is pretty cool. :)

I think that I also wanted to do it because I think that even in small ways people appreciate knowing that they as people are valued. I don’t tend to feel that very often and while some of that is self esteem and therefore, my fault… a lot of it is the world we live in. All of us do not tend to take the time to show or gratitude to the people around us very consistently. We also tend to not comment on the small things that we quickly notice, appreciate, and then they leave our mind as we continue with our tasks or thoughts. Corrie has smiled every time she has seen me with only one exception- she didn’t smile when I came in with my broken foot for the first time. Granted I wasn’t smiling either ;) Knowing that my interactions with her in the future will probably be quite limited, I knew I only had a short window of time to do something to show her what her attitude and kindness have meant to me. A cupcake was so little, but she seemed to appreciate it and I am glad. I remember all the jobs I have had in the past and even when I was cared for, people pretty much said goodbye and that was it- the one exception was one workplace threw a pizza lunch for me, but forgot about my celiac disease so I couldn’t attend my own going away lunch- that was sad and funny all at the same time. I guess I knew how much it would mean to me and wanted to offer that experience to someone else. And so we parted, hugs all around and I have a phone number and email address in my pocket- more than I expected and was a gift in and of itself.
The last thing that entered my mind was that the fact that I am willing to splurge on other people but not on myself is something that I need to really analyze and look at. That tendency has been pointed out to me in the past by counselors and friends alike, and I have been able to acknowledge the truthfulness of their observation, but haven't felt like I could really change it. I feel a renewed urge to change that and so today, early.... six in the morning... I was at the store to get Brock some pasta and me some brownies Gotta start somewhere! :D

Happy Saturday my friends!

2014 Poetry Corner # 11 : "Eye" (a haiku)

Bright light pours in
The pupil contracts, we blink
the world is clear

Building A Support Team.....

Do you have a support system? After doing some study this week, I pretty much realized that I do not have a solid support system and I need one. The ability to learn how to develop one is not only a much needed skill, but something I truly want. I want to not only have a support system, but to be an intricate part of other support systems. So I took the time to make two lists. One list was of current important relationships and one was of past important relationships. And there came the challenge. My most important relationship is with my husband and even though that relationship is changing, it still is my most important relationship and has been for almost two decades. But I will say that I am not sure how supportive it really is. I don't think that any relationship can be strong and supportive if only one person is interested in that and is uncommunicative. Rob is important to me for so many reasons. His strength and positive energy I have found supportive in times of trouble and confusion. His smile has always been a constant and it has never failed to give me a joyful lift every time I see it. I look to him for someone that I trust to talk to, to help solve problems, and as a friend. That relationship is clearly changing as we go through the beginning process of divorce and my husband works on changing the relationship. So I am at the beginning of developing a new life path and I have the wonderful opportunity to be able to learn and actively develop a new support system to help with that. What a cool thing!

My family of origin has had a lot of influence in my development as a person and as a leader. How much of my emotional and physical development that can be easily pushed onto my family, my original personality, society, etc... I do not know and I don't think that really dissecting it in the past has really done much but cause blame and anger. Needless to say, I left my parent's (almost said mother's -that' blaming I think :) home at eighteen years old with very little confidence in myself and with few marketable skills besides the motivation to please and a high energy level that allowed me to perform work faster than the average bear. I think that I carry almost literally the heavy burden of emotion and experience of the past on my shoulders. If I was to try and decide the role that my family played in my growing as a leader, I think that I would need to re-frame it. I think what I can do is to say that I learned to survive and to depend on myself. I learned to appreciate caring friends and I learned to understand and be more tolerant of differences and mental illness. These skills have served me well in my life and have really taught me an understanding, compassion, and service for other people that I think I wouldn't have gained any other way. A diagnosis is no longer something to fear... it's just a silly label and it doesn't change who the person is, what they think and feel, or in most ways what they need. So I am willing to step forward to help others that many people do not feel comfortable spending time with and I can laugh and become friends with someone and not focus on their 'labels.' One thing that I learned from my family is to please others and I am trying to find a medium ground where I please others, but I do not harm myself in the doing. I think that my genuine understanding and re-framing of my past family experiences can show me the positive aspects of the skills that I learned and help me to also grow and learn from the difficulties that I see people still struggling with in my family.

This might sound a little bit of a cope out, but I do not feel like I have any really important relationships in the past that was truly influential over a period of time in a positive way. I can think of many people that had influenced me for short periods of time and mostly in positive, 'friendship' ways. Maybe in some ways I am still seeing the term leadership in too rigid a construct. Friends do help me to learn how to be a better leader by being a leader in my own life. My friend Katey has been very influential in helping me to be introspective in a way that is positive and can sustain growth. She has helped my confidence and she always is willing to say the hard things- if she needs to tell me something hurtful that is useful, she will do it. How many people have such a real true friend? Katey has been instrumental in helping me keep my mental health in my current life situation and my ability to laugh and see many things in a positive light. I think that she will be an important part of my support system as I move forward.

I have mentioned before that I do not think I have really had any mentors... at least not in the sense of what the word means to me. One person that pops into my mind is a friend of mine who died a few years ago. Her name was Sarah Drew and she was sixty years older than me. I met her at church and she became my closest friend and confidant for many years. In some ways, I think she does count as a mentor as I did tend to take her advice when it was given and she also taught me how to survive through really difficult situations. She was a child of divorce and the Great Depression, had three divorces herself, four children and a nursing career. She was a wonderfully caring person. She would let me know that I needed to stand up for myself... and she was willing to stand up to people a lot bigger than her to protect me. She could be quite fierce when people were intolerant and mean and I will always miss her... and I wish I could have been closer to her age so we would have more time together. I think there are a few ways that she helped me develop important skills. She helped me to develop strength and stamina in adversity and there were many times I might have stopped coming to church without her loyal and calming influence. She helped me to learn that family was what you made of it and not necessarily what you were born with – my son still misses Gram Sarah. She would listen to me, give advice, and support me in my trials.... and I would give her rides to church and to appointments and help her to accomplish the things that mattered to her... but she wasn't physically able to do anymore. Our relationship has ended in this life and I will not see her again in the flesh, but I still find that some of the things she told me still inspire me today. I sometimes modify my behavior remembering things that were important to her and how she would want me to behave. It helps me to look stronger in my difficulties and helps me to find humor and joy in even the really yucky things.

I am not sure I would still be alive much less still be in college and working without my friends. I know which friends I can count on now due to my current situation and yes, my list has definitely whittled down and has fewer names on it. But those friends have been tested through the fire of my current challenges... and have stayed. I think I can depend on them for anything. While there are only five of them (and they know who they are :) A few of them will give me honest feedback and I can share everything- I will say that while I know I can share, I find it difficult to do so. It's truly a flaw in me and not my close friends. One of my close friends has been close to me for six years or maybe a little more. Some of the qualities that I think I bring to that relationship are compassion and love, energy, a blending of strengths and weaknesses and personalities that really seem to crave each other. I am a lousy cook and she is not and loves to cook. I love to weed... and she doesn't really find that really enjoyable. We can discuss the really hurtful things in our lives and know that neither of us will be rejected no matter what. She is safe in so many ways and has made my life more full and joyful. I can think of a friendship with someone else that did not work out for me and has in fact changed my whole life. I can think of a few things that I would have done differently. I do not think I was tolerant or understanding in the way I needed to be. I think that I needed to understand that she just couldn't trust anyone and so I shouldn't have felt so threatened. I should have believed in myself more and understood. I also should have helped to keep rigid boundaries so that the friendship could continue to thrive. That said, I learned a lot and it appears that no matter what I gave that relationship, my friendship was easily thrown away... so I don't think that it was a good friendship no matter what I did or did not do. But it was a lesson learned and I learned it in a big way. :)

I have never had or thought about having a personal support group. I will say that I think I need to contemplate it. It sounds like a great idea in my current situation. My son had a support group at one point and I will admit that it didn't really work... but I am not sure that was the group's fault. If I had a support group, I would run it in many of the same ways. I would have five members and I would have us set goals for myself over the next few years. We would meet and work together to help me move forward through my current trials. I would like to potentially add a few members that do not think exactly like me so they could have a different perspective on my situation. I have so much going on in my life right now- it would be nice to have others to clap me on the shoulder and help me with confidence and with making priorities. Being surrounded by people who genuinely want me to succeed and were willing to help me work towards it would be quite a gift.

I am currently actually working on building a professional support network in the job that I just managed to land/get hired. I am now working on developing relationships with other postal employees so that I can call when I have questions and hopefully increase the amount of hours that I can get. I have been driving to close post offices to introduce myself and I have been working hard to show my flexibility and to develop relationships that are positive with my co-workers. The relationships are not close, but I am hoping that they will become a good network that I can receive help from, but I can also provide help for. I would include the few employees in my post office but also a few employees for the other close post offices. I am also a BLS instructor and I have been trying to figure out how to develop a network that can make that job more stable and consistent for me. Figuring out how to network this job is really hard as it really is a lot like self employment. I need to sell myself against other people in the same job with very little work available in my area. What I have been doing is making fliers and hanging them up and faxing the fliers to a list of businesses that I have slowly accumulated numbers for and sometimes that is helpful and people call me and I get work. I would love to get a networking group together where we could work together to help each other get business. I will admit that I am not sure how to do that- I have been working alone for quite a while. But I think this is a good idea... and I think I need to try it! I would need someone from my training center as they could help me find clients, someone who works in the school system and maybe even someone who works for licensing for the state. Seems like a tall order but I do think it is doable...

I am not really sure about the idea of a board of directors for my personal life. Would it make my life less chaotic and crazy? : D Anyway, I guess I do not really understand the question because I am not really sure that I understand how a board of directors is really a lot different from a support group. Is it basically that a board of directors has more authority to get things done. So if I thought something was good and the rest of the group didn't... they could overrule me whereas a support group can give advice but I can totally ignore it...? It that was the case, I think there would be many positive and negative experiences with a board of directors. If I was too focused on something and couldn't see the pitfalls, the board members could actually force me to look at other viewpoints which might be good... or bad if they were wrong. Other good points would be the variety of experience and backgrounds that could bring more ideas and diversity to my life. I have closed so many aspects of my life up and having a group of people that could in some ways force me to be more open would be horribly scary... but I might really find that it would be positive for me and my life experience. I think that I would like to have a group that is stronger than a support group, but has a little less power than a board of directors. We could work as a group to help me move forward, but everyone could agree to some work or tasks and would be held accountable to the group... but mistakes or life happens and the accountability would be personal and in the group. I wouldn't want harsh accountability or authority because that might make people feel like they should be more accountable to my group then those other people and trials in their lives. That is why (in my opinion) corporations have a board of directors and the rest of us have support groups. Because corporations out of necessity try and get their employees to give everything to them... and that the employee's personal life is very much second. In a support group, everyone is important and your presence and how you feel and your experiences matter. If you are having personal problems that interfere with your attendance or participation in a support group, people are concerned and will try to help. In my experience, if your personal problems affect your job as a board member, you have very little leeway and you are very likely to lose your job or other negative consequences. The idea of creating a unit with traits of both groups is very attractive and I will take some time to think about it.

A Visit to the Provo Temple

I went to the temple on Friday. I was determined to go on this trip, but I will admit that even though the temple is closer in Utah... it doesn't seem closer when you are surrounded by family you never see. But everything came together and I went.

This visit was a jumble of emotions. I haven't gone into the temple for years and so I was surprised to find that I was actually quite scared. I am not sure why I was scared... I wondered if I was scared because of a combination of the unknown (it has been a long time), first time in a while (I really wonder with everything going on in my life if I can possibly be worthy- It sometimes doesn't seem possible), and the feeling of so many differing emotions as I approached and waited in the temple. But it was wonderful and there were so many small blessings. The people who helped explain to me what I needed to do and showed caring and concern and a wonderful smile. The gentleman who looked at my recommend and thanked me so much for coming... and then called me by name when I left- he actually came around the counter to shake my hand and to give me a short blessing for my day. I found myself crying sometimes and I wasn't sure why... but it was good. I really want to go again at least once. This is such a blessing at this time in my life. An opportunity to serve others, meditate and to simply feel the spirit is so wonderful. The idea that every name belongs to a person... a person that lived before... that every person has a name and is known to the Father. It was simply a blessing to listen and remember that the Father does know us all... even me.

Introspection on my Past, Abilities, and Recent Thoughts: part 2

Here are the last paragraphs of the last posting....

My current view of life is a journey, but very open ended. I am not sure where I am headed nor do I know for sure where I want to go. All of my goals right now in many ways are short term. Get a good job…. finish school…. try to fix my home situation….. try to survive… stay healthy… - nothing for the most part that is entirely long term and cannot be changed. And all the goals are sort of vague as to what things I need to accomplish them I need to do. I am trying really hard right now to learn about myself and to try and understand how I am different and become a better communicator and person, but I do feel constrained and frankly I am split in some ways I see life as a great learning experience, but I see most learning as painful, difficult and I am not always sure that it is worth the struggle. I tend to also see most positive experiences as something that I cannot easily attain for many reasons whether it is my insecurity in my ability or my lack of physical assets, etc…

In my lifetime I have had a few leadership experiences. I have been a director of a play for grade school children, a mother, a medical supervisor for a drug abuse/crisis center for teens, and an advisor for a church youth program that due to circumstances gave me no authority but all the responsibility. As a director, I found that I didn’t understand the craft and I didn’t have a stable enough life at the time or the confidence to accomplish it and I gave the job to someone else. I have failed as a mother. As a medical supervisor, I found that the people I supervised didn’t like to do the extra work and nothing I said could convince them to do so- I ended up redoing and doing most of the work myself until I gave up and found a different job elsewhere. As an advisor, I did step up to do the work and sacrificed almost everything. After I had given everything I had for several months, I was ‘fired’ (which I didn’t know was possible from a church job), not given the basic decency that other members would have been given for my work and I have not accepted a job since. I really put all of my time, passion, much of my extra monetary resources and joy into that job and I felt beaten and slapped and unappreciated after my firing. I haven’t been willing to risk that again since. (And I can’t imagine why anyone would want to read any of this- what depressing piteous drivel.)

I think what I need most are some really positive experiences with people that I genuinely believe want to help me improve and have no other motives that that. I need experiences where I am gently pushed forward, encouraged and helped as I struggle. I need to find a way with being OK with who I am and wanting improvements for me and because they are good for me… and not for someone else. I think I also need to reach an understanding that I appear to be a leader… whether I want to be or not, so I should try to be the best. :)

I think what I need most are some really positive experiences with people that I genuinely believe want to help me improve and have no other motives that that. I need experiences where I am gently pushed forward, encouraged and helped as I struggle. I need to find a way with being OK with who I am and wanting improvements for me and because they are good for me… and not for someone else. I think I also need to reach an understanding that I appear to be a leader… whether I want to be or not, so I should try to be the best. :/

As for the idea of entering a new phase in my life, I am totally unsure that is actually true. I feel like I am in a holding pattern and attempting to find a life in this holding pattern and struggling to find the right ideas and words to move in a positive direction from it. I am not sure if I am astute enough to recognize when I am in a new phase until the new phase is ‘over’ and I am in the reality that has continued…? I have no idea if that made any sense or not. I think that the term ‘new phase’ assumes that when change is happening a person is introspective enough to deal with it and to make decisions that are based on what could happen. When I have had change such as the ‘firing’ I mentioned above, I did nothing new but lick my wounds and not accept another job. I didn’t see it as an opportunity that I do see it could have been now. So I think that figuring out you are in a ‘new phase’ may be easier for some people than others or maybe my reaction to all new phases in my life is to curl up, close ranks, and try to deal with my emotional aftermath from it. So if I look at this time in my life as a potential new phase simply because I am still alive and still here ready to work, I think some of the goals I would make wouldn’t change from the ones that I am currently attempting to complete. I would try to survive and learn more about myself, try to stay healthy and work on my family, try to develop better skills and finish my degree. I think that is a pretty tall order already. :)

There are several adjustments that I think I might need to make. However, none of the adjustments seem easily feasible or even possible for me in my current situation. I need to learn how to change thinking patterns and I think doing that on my own is not only slow but I have no way to truly understand if I am doing it or to measure progress. Sometimes I am not even sure where to start- after all you can’t start on everything that is wrong all at once. And, in all honesty I am quite a biased party. How can I figure out what is most important if I have difficulty looking at me separately from being me? I need to find a way to feel more confident and improve my self-esteem- how do you break through the patterns of thirty-six years if cannot really understand what is a pattern… what patterns are good and acceptable, what patterns are not… and in what areas I turn positive experiences into negative ones? Where does the pattern start positively and since I can’t see it or understand it… I change it? Have I even now seen any real part of any patterns or am I like the electron that sifts so far away from the nucleus that the patterns I see have no relationship to the whole…? I have no idea how to even define adjustments at all and that is fairly scary as well. Even in area where I feel like I have made great inroads to success like financial stability, I feel easily dismissed and I easily decide that I haven’t accomplished anything worthwhile at all. It takes a few days to remind myself that what I think counts, and working towards something that is important to me matters whether others believe it or not. (And a few days I think is pretty good even though I think that I have to remind myself for weeks or the positive traction is gone.) I need to continue to focus on the positive and I need to continue to work on showing caring and forgiveness to myself. I need to maybe adjust my defense mechanisms to allow other people in… although I have no idea how to begin that process on any kind of large scale.

Some ways I can try and change these experiences to something positive...? I can take my past experiences and try to re-frame them. Instead of allowing myself to remember them with the negative emotions and the ‘selfishness’ of my own view and what I felt at the time, I can try and stand back and look at how the other parties not only reacted but what might have caused their reactions. What were they thinking? How to they respond to life in general? I can certainly see that in some ways I am very much my mother’s daughter…. I am more likely to back off than attack and I am more likely to stay away than fight and lash, but I still feel all of those things. While I may not have a mental health disorder that causes me to react and ruminate and lash out at others the way my mother does, in many ways I still think the ways that she does so I simple have different reactions… maybe? Maybe I think I do and I don’t…? Maybe I just want to think I am different and I am simply a carbon copy of the original but I don’t have the excuse of mental illness to justify my behavior. Maybe I am just so hard on myself I am unable to take my experiences and change them to anything positive because I am not sure what really constitutes positive. I know I don’t think I can do this on my own and in many ways I am married with children, pets and friends… and I am still alone. Except for possibly trying to reframe them and try to look at them more positively, I am not sure how I can learn from any of my past. I feel like I need to find a way to simply shed it and the baggage if gives me like a skin from a lizard or I can’t overcome it. I am also aware that isn't really possible... so I will try to keep thinking I guess.

Instrospection on my Past, Abilities, and Recent Thoughts: part 1

This post is a bit of a hodgepodge and will be in broken into two parts due to length. It has thoughts and introspection on myself, my past experiences, influences, and how I think I have seen the world for many years and that I am trying to change. In some ways this is a very esoteric post and asks more questions than it truly answers about me and what I think. I am not even really sure what I learned about myself through this exercise except a little more self- loathing and a determination to keep trying to affect change in my life because I do want something better and I don't want to hurt as much as I do and I do want to trust and have people in my life. So here are some thoughts... and God help the thinker.!

I have mentioned before that I do not feel like I have had good leadership experiences. This of course leaves a fairly empty field to draw positive experiences from when looking at my past. If I look at the parts of different experiences that I feel good about I find that I have a few more options to look at. If I look at passion, I really like to give of my time and possessions in service to other people. I think that I have a hard time with boundaries so that I sometimes do not know when I should stop giving, how to say no, and to also curb my impulsive nature to just give even when I don’t have it to give. (I think I am in some ways trying to buy the attentions and goodwill and friendship of other people. I am not really sure how successful that has been in my life.) I feel passionate about helping people improve, in trying to understand people and their behavior and motivations and I feel passionate about being successful and helping others find that success too. However, I am not sure I have the skills or understanding to be helpful in many areas and I am not sure that I have had a lot of positive inspiration that has actually caused change in my life. I am not trying to avoid the idea I don’t think. I just have really struggled to find positive change from inspiration from my life in my thoughts and memories and I can’t seem to find any yet. I don’t know if that is my memory, my perspective, or my current trials that tend to block out a lot right now.

When I look at the early patterns of my life story and the people in it, it seems fairly clear that a large part of my childhood was quite negative or my early experiences were such that as time went on, my learned biases and perception of the people and actions around me became negative because my early experiences were. The entire early story that I remember is struggle, fear, the feeling of needs not being met – and I think it is fair to say no self-esteem or confidence in myself. (Certainly over the last year I have come to describe it as self-loathing and failure.) The patterns seem to show a want or a need, a lack of fulfillment for many reasons, frustration and hurt which then manifest as anger and a form of push back whether through action or withdrawal. I have also noticed a strange trust pattern- I will not share with people I do not trust, I trust very easily, if trust is broken the relationship is broken and I walk away from it. That doesn’t make a great deal of sense to me. If I am going to look at people from my early life, I would say that my interactions with my parents were not positive and so they were not positive influences to me and my choices. Ashley Kendrick was my first real friend, and the loss of her due to moving away when I was twelve is a loss that I still feel. She feels like the only positive force in my life in the earlier years. While my siblings helped form memories and action through experience, most of those interactions were negative as well. My mother (whether intentionally or not) would ‘pit’ us against each other and so no positive strong relationship could possibly have been built- at least not by me. I also think that one of the most positive (and negative) things that did happen to me as a child until about the age of fourteen to sixteen was a very strong fantasy life. I think that my creativity and my ‘alter ego’ so to speak helped me to struggle through and sometimes laugh in a life that at sometimes I couldn’t imagine living for or in much longer. In many ways, when I was eighteen I tried to live a life reborn, but found it difficult with the baggage I have carried with me for so many years… and still carry so much of.

I have been dissatisfied with myself in a leadership role in every instance I can think of in my life. Thinking of constructive criticism and experiences with it are nearly impossible for me and I realize that is because all criticism to me is personal. I am not sure there is a way- at least not until recently- to give me criticism in a way that I could truly comprehend it and understand it as a critique on action or thought… and not me as a person. I am not at all convinced that is entirely my fault, but I am unwilling to relinquish responsibility for my biases and prejudices and blame my lack of understanding on anyone else. I also wonder if people were able to feel the anger and hurt underneath and didn’t feel that they had a way to give me constructive feedback. I can remember sometime when I did received feedback (not in a leadership role) and I think that my reaction to it was probably not typical. I remember once getting to go on a church trip without my parents and I was criticized on two things. Once I was told that I should buy as much food with my food card or I would be out by the end of the week. I clearly remember not listening and being a little sad at the end of the week and hungry, but feeling full for a few days and eating what I wanted felt so wonderful that I couldn’t see the criticism as valid… and in some ways I still don’t. That feeling of satisfaction for a few days was truly wonderful and I think of it sometimes when I volunteer at my local food pantry… I wonder if that is one reason I like to volunteer at the local food pantry…? Another time was actually on the same trip (clearly that was a big event in my life! :) and someone whose name is lost to me would correct me every time I ate a bit of food. I guess my teeth would touch my utensil and make a sound. So she would lay her hand on my arm and remind me every time I took a bite of food. My reaction was to not only find no enjoyment in the meal but to stop eating so that I wouldn’t be looked at and I still sometimes attempt to not eat in front of people because I am worried that I don’t look nice while eating and I have poor manners. I think I am still quite a loud eater when I think of it. So I am not sure that if I did get constructive criticism, I would recognize it and be able to recognize what my response to it should be.

I think I have felt that way (the victim) often in my life, but I haven’t called it that or thought of it in that way. I don’t like to feel like a victim; I want to be me and to feel happy and satisfied and successful. I think that sometimes I really don’t understand how not to sometimes. I have been told that I communicate differently than other people and I misunderstand things a lot so I feel very insecure stepping into a strong role. I worry that I will cause difficulty to others or even harm that I didn’t intend to make. I worry that my being me is a problem and maybe it would just be easier to stand back and do what I understand others to tell me to do. That seems so much safer. That way I can get along safely and not be a victim and can find some peace and can give of the talents I think that I have but not hurt other people.

When thinking about whether my earlier experiences constrain or hold me back, the answer is fairly simple. My earlier experiences do constrain me. I may look free and not like I am controlled, but in so many ways I am as confined as someone who has her hands and feet tied and locking in a dark room. If I allow myself to impulsively act, I tend to feel regret or feel that I am told that I am wrong. I do not feel a lot of trust, I am limited by my mind, my allergies and my fear, and so ever circumstance is one that can be used to show me why I am wrong, not a good person, and being part of a team and doing a good job as part of a team is a way to feel successful without a lot of attention on myself. Over the last year I have been trying to understand how to re-frame some of my experiences, but so many of them have so much emotion attached to them and my life feels sort of emotionally unstable right now that I am unsure how to even go about doing that any more.

My First Two Earliest Memories - Description and Analysis

This post is quite bold and doesn't paint me in a very good light. I decided to post it here for the few people that read my blog by simply coming to it. I think that the thoughts and analysis are painful but important and I think that hiding them is not useful to my growth as a person. So, here it is and I hope that you will not think too poorly of me from the knowledge....

I do not have a lot of early memories and the few that I have are really not positive ones- I wonder how many other people feel that way? I think that the few that I have do mark key turning points because they are the few that I remember and I seem to remember them and the emotions surrounding them so clearly even today. The very first memory that I have was playing on a beach with a new beach set – a pail, rake, etc… I remember feeling free and busy and finding my first hermit crab. I remember the smell and the delight of this really neat animal and my glee and almost greed to collect as many as my pail could fill to give to my mother. I remember the excitement and the intense focus I gave to my work- to find as many as I could to give to her and they needed to be big and have neat shells and I might have even felt a little bit of greed- I am not sure on that. But I remember filling the pail- it was brimming with this crabs that of course all wanted to get out and I had caught them all without being pinched or harmed and I brought them to my mother… who was revolted and angry and yelled about my foolishness and ordered me to go put them back one by one. I remember the shame and my hurt and when I tried to dump the pail, my mother again emphasized that I needed to individually pick each one up and put it back nicely. And I remember crying and putting my hand into the bucket and finding it impossible either through my tears or impossible in general to pick up a crab without getting pinched. I remember completing the job in silence by simply lowering a finger into the bucket and simply allowing a crab to latch onto my finger and I would bring it up and pry it off onto the sand. I would change fingers as they really started to hurt and even bleed, but I remember my sorrow, my fear, and my rejection… and a little bit of anger and a feeling I recognize now as a feeling of being alone and having no one who actually cared – not sure what word describes that. I can look back on that experience and see that experience as one that I would only repeat again when I was thirteen years old. (I saved my allowance for six months and purchased a ton of different gifts for my parents for their wedding anniversary- My mother hated every single one and pointed out why it was worthless, useless or simple stupid/bizarre. At least with my parents I have not repeated this experience.)

My next earliest memory is slightly fuzzy at the beginning as I think the beginning of the situation must have really been experiences over a longer period of time. I remember standing next to the blue car that my parents drove for years (a blue Chevy Malibu I think) and looking at my cousin in front of me and feeling angry and jealousy so strongly towards her and her smile which wasn’t very nice. I remember her opening the car door and getting a book out of the back that was mine and having her look at me and say that if she wanted it, all she would have to do was ask my mother for it and it would be given to her and I just felt so much anger and hatred and jealousy I think– I don’t know really what I was thinking, but I pushed the car door with all the force that I could muster and slammed the door on her hand. I remember standing there feeling a slight bit of satisfaction as all the adults cooed over her and my mother told me how awful I was and she gave away my book. I look back at that memory over the years and I do feel a little bit ashamed, but I recognize that I think I also knew that I was going to lose a prized possession, so I think I thought I might as well get something for it. Unfortunately that is a lesson that I am trying to unlearn even today. :(

These are my two earliest memories and I am able to see a few turning points in them when I look. The first memory was from when I was around three years old and I think I learned to ‘grasp.’ (When that word came to mind I had an image of Gollum from Lord of the Rings in my head, but as much as that image is horrible, I think in some ways it is an accurate one.) Instead of learning impermanence and that things in life are not guaranteed, I learned that maybe I could hold onto things I cherished harder and to hold anger and frustration when they were unfairly taken away. I learned to only hold a few things cherished, but those things are sacred and the angry and frustrated that I would feel up to a few years ago at their loss was pretty terrible to behold I think. (I have really been trying over the last decade to deal with an anger problem that while not violent didn’t seem to be entirely under my control. I think I have gotten a lot better, but I am not sure if I really have or if I simply believe myself to be better.) The other experience was when I was around five years old or maybe six and I think what I learned was that I couldn’t control anything so I tried to find ways to create control out of fear and also create good reasons for my loss – if I was going to lose something, then I wanted something in return. The idea of striking back is still one that I am struggling with. I think that I have beaten it, but some people who are close to me say that I have not and my husband has told me that he would never have married me if he had known how vindictive I was and still am. The thought that I harm other people still causes me a lot of pain and has caused me to withdraw from almost everyone in my life and I don’t see that changing any time soon – I feel too much fear.

I think that is the story of my life... I feel too much fear. And I think this may have been too honest. I feel like I have picked up a big rock to see the disgusting slime and life underneath and it isn't very nice.

The Temple

I enjoyed so much my most recent visit to the temple. One thing about the temple is that while every visit is the same (especially if you are unendowed), every visit is so different based on your frame of mind. This visit was a little different because I went for a few different reasons and with a few different thoughts in mind. I felt prompted to go and a chance remark from an acquaintance caused my small and weak prompting to become to become a hard and firm resolve. Even when the typical 'chaos' and negative stuff began in the forty eight hours beforehand (as always happens before the travel and attendance of the temple), my resolve only wavered slightly and never in any permanent way. I felt that the path before me was fixed and I remained resolute in my determination and desire to go.

It was an amazing experience. Some would say that it wasn't much in the sense that after I got to the temple, I just mostly walked around the grounds and thought and cried and wondered and hoped. At one point I was given a great yet uncomfortable insight into a person I used to know and I needed to let go of- I really needed to understand many things. I will not pretend that I understand things better, but I feel differently. Over the last few months my anger has abated and I have looked for peace, direction, and understanding in my life. I am finding peace and a direction that I did not expect but I am attempting to follow. I am trying so hard to allow the direction that I feel impressed upon....sometimes I think I am trying too hard and I want- no need- to go slower, to feel less, to be braver, to lose myself in the opportunities that the Father has provided to me at this point in my life.

One thing that added a bit of humor to the day was the misc chatter of people exiting the temple or walking to their cars while I was walking around. In many ways, I became a moving part of the scenery. People would chat and move around me and carry on their average conversations and it felt a little strange that people carried on average discussions right outside the door. Some started talking on the phone as they walked out the doors. It almost felt like being at the temple was so blaise and so benign that being in the temple and its grounds was 'nothing' and didn't mean much. Now, on one hand, we should behave in the world and in our lives the way we do at the temple- everything and anything should be for our spiritual learning and fulfillment. Here are some of the funny things I heard:


'...and so they ended up divorced and so I was so completely happy...'

'I couldn't remember whether you said the loft or the tower...'

'Well, the ice pack has melted we'll be doing good to get to the church...'

'Are you already for me?'

'...I thought it was just medium... ummm tall, not short. There's no medium?'

'Do you need some more of these sugar free mints?'

'I missed your call because I was in the temple. Did you need anything?'

'Where's Carolyn...?'

'I have to tell you that I am well known for my chocolate eclairs....'

'At least they have take out... (the temple)'

'You might have to sit on your butt.'


Sort of silly huh? I left out the guy who paced outside the doors discussing the ups and downs of the stock market. :) I guess the different conversations on the mundane sounded so strange to me on the temple grounds. So in the end I had a great time and it was worth it. Can I challenge you to go to the temple in the next few weeks? Come back and tell me what you did... and what funny stuff you heard.! I'm waiting.... :)

Today's Activities and Introspection

Today, I spent a few hours out in the sun. Spring is really finally here! While this spring is different than other springs here, I have become determined to press forward and not just let everything at home go because I feel jumbled and scared and just hesitant to do anything- I wish I was more hesitant in my thoughts... they just seem to go everywhere and I am having a hard time keeping them upbeat these days.

So, when I was able to this morning, I headed outside. I stood for a few minutes with my eyes closed and just enjoyed the sun... feeling the rays and the warmth and the slight breeze. Then I took a deep breath and got to work. Instead of gardening this year and trying to full scale farm I figure that I should just try to clean things up and try really hard to get the property ready for next year and if I am lucky, I will be able to work it next year. So to start, I brought Casey out so that he could keep me company and eat the fresh growing grass and clover. He seemed to have a great time and was quite round in the belly a few hours later when I returned him to his yard. And while he ate I chattered at him, prayed out loud and filled small bags with whatever detritus I could find. I filled boxes with kindling, pulled up and moved stock paneling from the tightly woven grass holding it to the ground. I shuffled my feet through the long grass and filled a few bags with fence parts that I couldn't see but I could feel with my bare feet. It wasn't much and only a few hours of work... and I should have been doing school work. Then I left and mowed a few lawns for some elderly people who can't do it for themselves and had a friend spoil me and take me out to dinner. But I found a few things in my mind while I was working in my yard that were interesting revelations to me.

One was the sorrow of picking up the miscellaneous debris- I was surprised to feel myself crying. I finished what I accomplished with a sense of a job well done, but while I was doing it I thought of so many things. Things like my dreams are like all of the detritus laying on the ground- all broken and shattered and I feel like I am losing everything. I feel like no matter how good I have been or how much I have tried it is all useless... and all that's left is to pick up the pieces that are left and throw them away. I am not even sure that I will still have left which is me is really worth much anymore. Everything feels too broken, the nightmares are driving me mad, and I will admit that when you realize that you are just starting to ignore the chest pain because it is coming so constantly and consistently... I think that is a problem. I wonder if there are some hurts that just go too deeply to heal. And yet, I felt satisfied and relatively happy as for a few hours I held the world an arm's length away and picked up trash and just thought about things. I thought about fence building and how to survive through this next year. I was even silly enough to imagine having myself in enough shape that I gardened next year, and raised a pig or two and got a companion for Casey would would really like one.

I also thought about how alone I feel and my desire to hide from almost anything and anyone these days- friend or foe. I think it is safe to say that this confusion and depression that seems to have settled into my soul will walk many more miles with me... I have no idea how to shake it off. I have even stopped going to counseling- it just doesn't seem very worthwhile. It feels almost like I am surrounded by dementors and I want to fight them and make them go away, but I have no wand... I am no wizard... and I am too weary to even try and conjure up the words of the spell. And yet... I am blessed. I have many friends and family who care and worry for me. I think people would do more if I let them, but instead I hide and pretend that everything is OK to almost anyone and I don't talk about these things to almost anyone. I wonder who I think I am kidding... I know that someday I will feel better- at least I hope I do. These last few years have been pretty horrible. I am working to think good thoughts and read my scriptures because I do not think that Heavenly Father has abandoned me and in many ways, I am sorry for the sorrow that he is feeling over this situation. I know he is looking after me in my trials.

So I am headed to bed after this long day. My head is full, my heart is heavy and the feeling of peace I had earlier is gone. And to add a funny note to the day, I burned my back something terrible from my time outside. (A good lesson for people like me who are OK with being immodest when no one is watching... if I had been wearing a shirt I wouldn't have had that problem.) But I think the time that I spend outside, working and thinking and really being introspective was well spent. So many of my earthy brothers and sisters share the same trial in their future (or their past) as I struggle to face now. I hope that I will be successful in enduring and doing what my Father would have me do. And on a short term note... I hope I sleep tonight! :)

My Nutritional Analysis: Improvements and Needs

For three days, I tried to write down everything that I consumed... from water to cereal to the stray piece of candy that I 'borrowed' from my son's Easter Basket. :) After combining the data I came up with the figures at the bottom of the post.

I will say that I found a few things about the figures a little shocking. One of which was I hadn't really realized how many meals that I have been skipping or just not eating until I was forced to look at what I was writing down. And I guess that the stress and sorrow in my life has really started to overwhelm me because I truly believe that these totals are right. I looked over the days and realized that I had been tallying things correctly and I really had eaten less than 1000 calories a day for those days. I am disappointed to say that I do not currently think that these particular days are at all abnormal for my eating habits right now. I am glad that when I am eating, I am eating good things so I am getting a bit of the stuff that my body needs, but I am clearly not getting enough. And in times of stress I should clearly be eating more... not less. (I will admit that I thought about cheating and trying to find some cans so that I could add their totals on to the correct ones and not look so bad, but I really felt like that was cheating and if I didn't want to look pathetic, I should shake out of my funk and start eating right to begin with.)

For Day One, I should have had at least 1000 more calories. I didn't have enough carbs or protein and only reached about 50% of the daily guidelines. However, that isn't too bad considering that I only ate about 50% of the calories I should have eaten. Fats were a little high (I had some salmon pate on crackers and so that brought those numbers up to the higher levels, but that is unusual enough that I am not too worried about my fat intake. For brevity’s sake, almost all of my vitamin intakes were either too low or just non existent... in fact, I either didn't consume any of the needed vitamins or minerals or I consumed less than 50% of them with one exception: sodium. In that particular mineral I was in the high range and over the daily recommended requirements of less than 2400 mg.

For Day Two, just for variety I ate even fewer calories at 710- unfortunately I must confess that all three of these recorded days were in a row and may explain why I feel tired and fairly shaky constantly. I don't tend to feel hungry however. I consumed less than fifty percent of what was recommended in calories, carbohydrates, protein and most vitamins and minerals- the two exceptions are folate and iron which I did hit 100% percent on (a bonus?). Many nutrients I didn't consume enough of to have a percentage to write down.

For Day Three, I ate a few more calories and I did eat a lot of the necessary nutrients in the one meal I consumed- 3 cups of spinach and feta salad. I still didn't eat enough calories, carbohydrates or proteins. For calories, I consumed a whopping 763! :) I was still low on several vitamins, but at least the numbers were low... and not non-existent! I only hit the appropriate RDA for folate and vitamin B12, but three vitamins I was pretty much off the charts on in the upper ranges: vitamin K with 291 micrograms, riboflavin, and to really overdose myself... over 6000 micrograms of vitamin A. Luckily, I have been so low on vitamin A that my body hopefully stored some of this for future expenditures and needs.

On these days, I got at least ½ hour of cardiovascular exercise: once was carrying food boxes quickly up and down the stairs. The other two were walking quickly to get to work. On these days I was also quite active in physical movement- I spent the mornings volunteering and the afternoons and evenings playing with my son. Then I tried to squeeze in some homework before I collapsed into bed. Hydration was adequate at between 6-7 glasses a day of water and several ounces of juice. So a few things have changed over this semester. I have been able to increase my exercise and to become more consistent with it. I have been watching what I eat a little more than I have in the past and have tried to afford a few 'fresh' things-hence the spinach salad. I have worked at trying to have more variety in my food and I have been fairly successful with that. So, while the vast majority of food that I eat is still based on beans and rice, I have been able to supplement by adding more vegetables, fruits and condiments such as salsa, sour cream and coconut milk. I think that has been very beneficial in the sense that I think I am getting more of the minerals and vitamins that I need. I think that I have learned to be more mindful of what I eat and how I eat it, even in my limited circumstances. I feel like I have had the opportunity over the last few weeks to understand how my body works and what it needs and I think that understanding has helped me to develop a better mindset about taking care of myself. It is obvious from my analysis however, that I need to do more than change my mindset however... I need to make more physical changes to use the information and resolve that I have developed over time. Habits are not something that can easily be broken with mental effort alone. You must use your mental energy to focus on working toward physical changes... and only after the physical changes have lasted more than a month can you truly be sure that you have changed your habits. Even then, you must work to keep the change as it is so much easier to fall back into bad habits then it is sometimes to keep the good habits that you have formed.

A few other habits that I am working on changing is the 'supplement are always good for you' brain-set I had when I started this class. Understanding that careful consumption will get me what my body needs and actually taking the time to really pay attention to my food I think has already started that change. It wasn't really a surprise to me that the one day that I consumed the most nutrients/vitamins/minerals, etc... was the day that I consumed fresh food and not canned. It was also the day that I added a small amount of dairy and seeds to my food. I made an appointment to speak with my doctor about whether I 'need' to take as many supplements as I am if my body is now more 'healed' and able to absorb the nutrients that I eat more fully. It was a great conversation that took over half an hour and we decided that I should stay on two of them (I probably will be on one of them for life), but we could see about removing the others after a medical procedure to see how well I have 'healed' my digestive track. I have been working on increasing fluid intake and I have for the most part seen an improvement in that as well. I think the most important thing that I have learned this semester is that eating well and taking care of yourself is truly a journey that must be taken. Consumption is almost always easy, bu whether the consumption is worthwhile takes thought, introspection and knowledge. Thank you so much for the opportunities that I have been given his semester to become more mindful, introspective, and to use the knowledge that I have gained to work towards making myself a healthier person. :)


Day 1 -
Calories: 890
total carbs: 136.5 g
dietary fiber: 21 g
sugars: 26.5 g
saturated fat: 15.5 g
poly unsaturated fat: 3 g
monounsaturated fat: 0.5 g
cholesterol: 60 mg
protein: 27.5 g
vitamin A: 380 micrograms
Vitamin B12: 1.5 micrograms
Vitamin C: 9.6 mg
Calcium: 580 mg
Iron: 7.56 mg
Potassium: 1055 mg
Sodium: 2850 mg

Day 2 -
Calories: 710
total carbs: 100 mg
dietary fiber: 7.5 g
sugars: 23 g
saturated fat: 8 g
poly unsaturated fat: 4 g
monounsaturated fat: 2 g
cholesterol: 35 mg
protein: 13.5 g
vitamin A: 710 micrograms
Vitamin B6: 1 mg
Riboflavin: 0.83 mg
Niacin: 10 mg
Thiamin: 0.75 mg
Folate: 400 mg
Vitamin B12: 6 micrograms
Vitamin C: 96 mg
Vitamin D: 180 mg
Calcium: 710 mg
Iron: 18.72 mg
Magnesium: 16 mg
Phosphorus: 60 mg
Potassium: 680 mg
Sodium: 1490 mg
Zinc: 7.5 mg

Day 3 -
Calories: 763.7
total carbs: 23.7 grams
dietary fiber: 2.83 grams
sugars: 4.1 grams
saturated fat: 10.5 grams
poly unsaturated fat: 6.93 grams
monounsaturated fat: 8.32 grams
cholesterol: 610.25 mg
omega 3: 298.4
omega 6: 6372.85
protein: 26.82 grams
vitamin A: 6001.25 iu
Riboflavin: 0.41 mg
Niacin: 1.37 mg
Thiamin: 0.1 mg
Folate: 434.2 micrograms
Vitamin B6: 0.55 mg
Vitamin B12: 0.75 mg
Vitamin C: 16.8 mg
Vitamin E: 7.6 iu
Vitamin K: 291.5 micrograms
Calcium: 323.85 mg
Iron: 6 mg
Magnesium: 303 mg
Phosphorus: 389.9 mg
Potassium: 595.7 mg
Sodium: 1200.2 mg
Zinc: 3.6 mg
Choline: 330 mg
Betane: 330.8
Selenium: 56.9 mcg
Panthothic Acid: 3.17 mg
Manganese: 0.9 mg

'The Nun Files' - Questions for my Oral History Interview

So, I have finished my questions for my oral history interview and I think I have been lucky enough to have a volunteer. :) I wanted to post my questions here and see if anyone has more questions that they think I should add or they have an interest in. (For full disclosure, I came up with a few of these questions on my own and others I found through research and asking people at school.) The interview will be with a fairly 'new' nun... and a nun who has been in her vocation for a few decades. So here they are... and please give me your thoughts!

List of questions shared by both the ‘new’ and the ‘experienced’

1. Tell me a little about yourself.

2. What was your religion growing up? What church, if any, did you attend?

3. How were religious holidays (Christmas, etc.) celebrated in your family? Did your family have special traditions?

4. What do you remember your father telling you about religion? Your mother?

5. At what age did you decide you wanted to become a Nun?

6. Did you always have a sense that you would become a nun/sister or did the notion come as a surprise to you?

7. Were your family/friends surprised that you became a nun/sister or did they tell you they knew or could tell this is what you would be?

8. Did anyone try to dissuade you from becoming a Nun?

9. Who was most supportive of your vocation? Who was the least supportive and why?

10. How did you choose your order?

11. What particular spiritual practice is most important to you in your walk with the Lord and why?

12. Can you describe for me what your typical day looks like in your vocation?

13. What delights/surprises you about being a nun/sister?

14. What has been your most rewarding experience in religious life?

15. Have you ever experienced something that made you re-evaluate your vocation? How did you overcome that experience?

16. Some people thing that the vow of poverty is one of the most difficult vows… what do you think about that? Do you have an experience wherein you really felt the weight of this particular vow?

17. How is the ‘church’ today different from what it was like when you were a child? (if this question is pertinent)

18. Is the church asking or getting enough of women’s religious views on Church related issues. And where do you think they could or need to make changes?

19. What one piece of advice would you give to someone considering a vocation as a nun/sister that you wish someone would have told you when you were first considering the vocation?

Questions for the more experienced nun

1. How is being a nun/sister for you today different/the same from being a nun/sister in the past?

2. How has your order had to change in the last 50 years to keep the viability of your mission alive in the Church?

3. How have your views on your vocation changed through your experience?

Feedback please! :)

Random Thoughts on Oral History, Interviews, and Technique

This week, I spent some time really focusing on the process of getting ready for an oral history interview and what is really involved. I ended up with 13 small paragraphs about different ideas and thoughts on how to interview and collect oral history... and I will share them with you below.

1. The idea of neutrality is described as a skillful way of holding yourself/ body and asking questions that keep the focus at all times on the interviewee and their thoughts and feelings. For instance, having too much rapport or empathy with the interviewee can really side-rail the interview and make it more about you and your feelings and thoughts- and not the person being interviewed... which is certainly not the goal that we are trying to complete(in performing an interview). Also, too much of anything- whether it is emotions, questioning etc... can change the interview and make it more biased, less accurate and focused on the biases, not the whole picture.

2. It is suggested that opening an interview with a question that provokes a detailed answer helps to start an interview with a prompt, purposeful beginning. It lets the interviewee know that the interview has begun and gives both you and the interviewee the cue that you are 'down to business'. Using a question that the interviewee is likely to know and need to give a detailed answer to helps get the interview off on the right track of the interviewee talking... and you listening.. It also should state the main purpose for the interview so that the subject that is to be covered is acknowledged right away.

3. A leading question is a question that sets up the interviewee to answer the question asked in the way that the interviewer seems to wish. This will not necessarily give you the answer you are really looking for. The danger of loaded questions contaminating the interview becomes higher if the 'status' of the interviewer is higher than the 'status' of the interviewee. Loaded questions can also produce answers that are truly difficult for the historian to interpret correctly because the interviewer's bias is so obvious in the original question. To avoid loaded questions, avoid questions that provoke short answers, questions filled with 'emotive' words, and use the interviewers own words to ask more questions- do not make assumptions of what the words mean... ask! Leading questions are less likely to cause problems with the interview near the end of the interview and can be useful when you have had an uncooperative interviewee. At the end you can use these questions to try and pull out more details and get more information. However, even in these situations, keeping the questions as non-'leading' as possible will help to keep the interview unbiased and 'correct.'

4. A negative leading question can be useful for getting comments and thoughts on provocative topics... especially if the historian's research has turned up conflicting information between the research and the information provided in the interview. It is important however, to not use too many of these questions because they can turn the interviewee off of the interview and it is also important to word the question so that the 'challenge' appears to come from a third party and not you- which can cause the interviewee to feel hostile and not as forthcoming towards the interviewer. There are other reasons to be cautious when using a negative leading question, but that covers the important points. They should really only be used when the questions can add to intellectual knowledge and debate or figuring out how the subject deals with adversity.

5. You should only give your opinion when the person being interviewed insists on knowing it. Otherwise, your opinion isn't really important in this instance. Your opinion can only help to bias the interview or even divide you from the person you are interviewing. Even when asked, the interviewer can sometimes use the words in the question to turn the interviewee back to the focus of the interview... and take the focus off of you!

6. Follow up questions are used by the historian to really get the details that you are attempting to have the interviewee provide. Ask for understanding when you feel that something is vague. However, the historian must be very careful to not make the interview feel like the subject is getting the 'third degree'. Questions should be open and indirect... without looking like you are challenging the other person. Some interviews can be fairly useless when they are completed in such a way that followup questions are not really asked.

7. Background research is so useful for a few reasons. Research ahead of time can help you to determine bias or untruthfulness in your potential interviewee. The information can help you during the interview to understand the information that you are being given, help to keep the interview 'on topic', and help you to provide 'useful' leading questions as well as memory nudges for the interviewee that is having a hard time remembering specific things/details. Background details are especially good for helping your interviewee with introspection and helping the individual remember what they 'felt' or 'thought' in the past during certain situations.

8. Approaching a friend or family member about an interview would be done differently than an interview with someone you did not know. First, you already have some rapport with the person that you have developed through your personal relationship. Ignoring your previous relationship while performing an interview would make the interview confused, stilted and any attempt to be 'neutral' would look a little ridiculous. :) However, the interviewer/historian must also carefully analyze the person that they are interviewing and modify their (the historian's) behavior and questions accordingly. Again the interview is about the information and the interviewee and not about you or your relationship with the 'interviewed'. Keeping the interview on track, easy going... but as neutral as possible and focused is the key. The interviewer needs to exercise self restraint in some instances and use rapport, empathy and neutrality to get the information that is sought.

9. Oral history is different from journalism in several ways. Oral history is the legal property of the person/interviewee and can only be used with that person's permission. Oral historians usually try to solve this problem by having a release signed when they complete the interview. Journalists rarely ask for consent to publish and as such they are less likely to get people to truly open up about sensitive personal information. As oral history usually contains such personal information, historians should make no assumptions about publication unless they have consent. Journalists also have the option to bias results in ways that oral historians should not. A journalist can use correct materials in such as way to create a bias in one direction or for political expediency. But while that is not OK for a journalist, many journalists will still do it for reasons of expediency, etc... A historian, in an ideal situation, will not allow societal bias, personal beliefs, etc... to influence the information that he is presenting. The historian will do their best to make sure that the information is as neutral and bias free as possible so that the most accurate picture will be presented. A journalist has the responsibility to report and may use personal information in a way that the person may not feel comfortable with. A historian has the responsibility to do more than just protect the source- if the information is not useful for the current public good and can cause undue injury to those involved, the historian should keep the information safe for a good number of years until the information is can be used in a way that doesn't cause a lot of damage to living people.

10. It is suggested that release forms should be simple and informal... and if you write one yourself... keep it from being legalistic. While some people think the forms should be signed before the interview... it is generally recognized that after the interview process is the best time to do so. While, after the interview you might have problems with a recalcitrant interviewee who has changed his mind, doing the signing before the interview can inhibit the person to be interviewed. Making promises to the one that is interviewed is difficult as well because it may be difficult for you to keep the promises. History can and should belong to everyone so promising that it will not is just one promise that is difficult to keep.

11. Background research itself can raise ethical issues that the historian has to deal with. When you are doing research on living people, you may discover information that is clearly confidential and private. It is important that you realize that specific permission must be gotten for releasing this information- even if you broke no laws to get it. It is very important that the historian does their best to not breach people's privacy or release information that can cause undue harm.

12. It has been mentioned that maintaining a neutral stance during an interview is hard and appears to be manipulative and dehumanizing if you perform tactical and careful planning ahead of time. The idea of neutrality is very important and should be carefully considered, but should not be taken the the other extreme which can inhibit the interview. The historian must remember that being neutral should not cause you to behave unethically or even anti-socially. Making sure that the interview situation is about the interviewee, and not about the interviewer. Keeping things confidential, being sensitive and empathetic, helps to keep the interview unbiased and truly humanistic. Neutrality should be used to gather information and not hinder the gathering... but it also should be slowly put aside if needed to increase communication and understanding by making interpretation. I hope that makes some sense.

13. When interpreting and analyzing your interview, it is important that you treat the conversation and information as serious, important information. Some historians believe that any interpretation of someone else's words is possible inappropriate and ethically challenging.... and a full transcript must be released. Others suggest that the historian, by reinterpreting the interview, puts themselves in a place of higher significance, and that releasing the interview as a full transcript is the only way that the interviewer and the interviewee are on 'the same plane'. Other say that there is always interpretation and if you assert that the interpretation of the historian is unethical, that is 'tantamount' to saying that the interview should have never taken place. I suspect what is being said is that care must be taken to be objective when attempting to interpret an interview... and that the historian should be aware of bias- especially their own.

14. The interview should be put into context if you are planning on using it for a term paper or for general consumption. One reason for this is that reading about someone you do not know can be confusing... and even boring. Most people understand that no life is perfect and is affected by the society and culture around it. So adding the history that affects the person's life is so important and makes the interview interesting and draws the attention of not only historians, but other people.

Carbohydrates and Fiber - My Personal Analysis :)

So I took the time this week to look at a few things about nutrition. I looked at my fiber content and how much sugar I consumed on my 'recorded' day- as well as total carbs which of which both fiber and sugar qualify. I also took the time to look at why fiber is important in the diet, why we really need carbohydrates in our diets, and why some people are intolerant of milk products.

So when I did 'rate your plate' two weeks ago, I found that I had eaten 233 total grams of carbs. (I also mentioned in a earlier post that I had been low on many important vitamins.) I easily made the RDA of 130 grams of carb intake. (almost doubled it in fact). When I did the math, I found that 52% of my calorie intake was from carbs which was a little less than the 60%- which is the 'goal'. A few ways to improve my intake would be to add more fruit to my diet as well as bread products. I will admit that the bread products are hard because of my allergy to wheat. There are ready made bread products out there for the wheat challenged, but at the risk of sounding like I am complaining- they are expensive! So I try to make the stuff myself as it is a lot cheaper and so maybe I need to find a way to make more... or think of something else...? :)

My fiber consumption I think was pretty good for an American at 29.5 grams... but I still barely made the minimum of 25 grams. Adding more fruit would help with that along with beans. Luckily both are foods that I like and so I just need to really examine and think about how I can change my thought processes and the 'habits' of eating... which I have been working on the last few weeks. I have managed to add more fruit to my diet and I should look at adding more beans. I also want to take the opportunity to do the calculations again after recording a day later this month and see how much better I am doing... or worse ;)

My total sugar intake was 49 grams. That is pretty good, especially since most of that sugar was in fruit that I ate and I can't imagine that I should quit fruit to lower my sugar consumption. I allow myself a few cookies a few days a week and I could look at cutting those out, but I think if I do not feel treated every few days... then I will just crave and crave. Maybe I can look at a couple of cookies and add milk instead of a few cookies with no milk...? Am I making excuses?

Carbohydrates are the body’s main form of energy. As I haven't eaten breakfast yet, I am feeling a little weak and slow, but eating should get me going again. Everything that we do requires energy- breathing, twitching, thinking- even eating requires the expenditure of calories in the work for more calories. Some cells prefer energy from carbohydrates, such as the brain, nervous system, muscles, and red blood cells.... so these areas are directly affected by a low carb diet. If you do not eat enough carbohydrates, the liver is forced to break down protein into energy, a process that over time can affect all of your bodily systems. Carbohydrates are readily acting and fast available fuel for cells- they do not require oxygen to break them down and in most cases are already available as soon as they enter the small intestine.

Fiber is so important for our diets for many reasons! One of the best reasons to eat fiber is so that you do not get constipation. Fiber helps the digestive system keep everything moving and makes it harder for the system to get clogged up. Clogging the system over time cane cause all sorts of complications from cancer to colonic impaction to hemorrhoids from straining to push. Of course, fiber removed the benefit of keeping reading literature in your bathroom as you will not have long to read! :D Some forms of fiber are thought to lower the 'bad' cholesterol in your blood as well as inflammation of the blood vessels- a doctor told me once that he dreams sometimes of little bits of oatmeal acting like scrapers on your blood vessel walls removing plaque- but I have no idea if that is true or his thoughts only... although oatmeal in the store has the heart friendly label on it. Foods that are high in fiber can also help with weight loss and you can feel full without eating as many calories... and fiber pretty much goes 'right through you'. Fiber can help lower blood pressure as well as makes it harder for the body to have 'spiky' blood sugar- sugar is processed more slowly as so would form a mound in measurement, not a peak... does that make any sense. Mounds will help you to eat better because you will not have huge dramatic spikes in your blood sugar which will make you hungry- I guess this is another way of saying that fiber helps with metabolism. Fiber will also act as a scrub brush and try to keep moving impurities and toxins out of the body before they sit and then enter the system. You can thank fiber for helping your child eventually remove the ring or the coin that they swallowed.

Some people are unable to tolerate high milk intake because they are lactose intolerant. Lactose is the sugar found in milk and without the enzyme 'lactase' to break down the sugar, the lactose causing pain, gas and abdominal upset- to say the least. Your risk of lactose intolerance varies depending on your race-and therefore your genes. When looking at large groups Asians, South Americans and Africans are most likely to have this difficulty- the book mentions all of these groups as well. I believe that those of Mediterranean descent are likely to have this problem as well- I heard that in my paramedic classes, but I didn't look to see if my brain was foggy or not before I put that here! Many milk products such as yogurt do not have a lot of lactose and so they can be tolerated by many and used to help provide the calcium needed.

I am really having a pretty fun time studying about how nutrition works... and I hope that some of this information is useful to other readers. Is any of this new to you? How would you rate the way you eat... based on some of the information above? Do you get enough fiber...? Too much sugar...? Please share!