Gratitude - 2/3/19

I'm currently fighting a cold. It has left the fever behind but the mucus has settled into my chest. My body feels heavy and achy but not as weak as I would have thought it would be. So I don't like being sick, but I feel like I will recover quicker than normal... which is good as I am working six days this week.

1. I am thankful for fruit. I'm on a slightly restrictive diet and being able to eat fruit feels like I am being spoiled with dessert. So I am grateful for my dessert of peaches today. It was wonderful.

2. So thankful that the weather has warmed up a trifle. Going outside at thirty degrees feels much better than three degrees. I spent a little bit of time outside today because it was warmer and I am glad to have enjoyed a little bit of sun.

3. I am grateful for books to lose myself in when I am sick and need to rest.

4. I am super grateful for on-line church. I love listening to testimonies and the experiences of other people. Even when I don't understand or can't comprehend their experience I feel so edified listening to others and being able to share my own thoughts. I really appreciate inclusive areas when all can feel like they belong. Just feeling grateful for my Sabbath today.

5. I am grateful for Bug. I am blessed to have such an amazing son! He is going through another growth spurt again so I am watching him shoot up even taller and wondering when it will end. He is going to be a very tall man. I loved reading books with him today and enjoying videos too. It was a nice day.

6. It was wonderful for have such a nice lazy day. I really needed one.

A Unique Opportunity!

I have always felt a little wary about expressing my testimony and feelings on Christ. Some of my reluctance stems from foolish reasons- fear of rejection or conflict, worry about causing offense and also a small amount of laziness- it takes courage and effort to do it! But another reason is also that sharing your testimony is so personal and makes me feel so vulnerable and exposed... open to attack while my heart and soul... my most beautiful and vulnerable parts are laid bare and feel naked and defenseless. And I have found that many people who are Christian, but have different beliefs, belong to different denominations, etc... chose this opportunity to thrust forward... not with thoughtful conversation, but with reasons and 'proofs' of why my beliefs are wrong. The reasons vary from 'worshiping the wrong Christ' (How many people in this world have been known as the savior Jesus Christ? To my knowledge there is only one man...), to scripture verses expressing why my thought processes are wrong and my eternal soul is in peril. Some people suggest that even questioning the culture surrounding the gospel is disloyal and inappropriate... to both Heavenly Father, prophets, apostles and the Savior- questioning even expresses that I 'do not sustain them' no matter how much I feel like I do. It is very painful to have my beliefs belittled and to even be told what I think... I have actually been amazed by how many people tend to feel pretty comfortable and even justified in telling other people what those people think... which really seems to be a reflection of the speaker's thoughts and not the individual being judged.

So over the last few years, I have actively tried to work on feeling a little less fear and trying to be more open about my thoughts. In a few ways, I have been more successful – I have a few really good friends who I actually feel safe enough to share my thoughts and feelings with. And I have actively pushed myself to try and start conversations with people I do not know. It's probably strange to some of you who know me, but I do feel uncomfortable talking to people I don't know and trust... which is funny because I can totally chat someone's ear off if I feel safe with them. (It's a mark of how the divorce has caused me to close up even more that the phone plan I used to have gave me unlimited minutes and I would use over two thousand a month and I now live comfortably on less than 450 a month.) So I actually try to say 'hi' to people I pass in stores, compliment someone or just say something basic to start an interaction. I have started conversations at church with members that I don't know (sometimes I have started them with people whose names I should know after a decade but I still don't and I am too embarrassed to ask.) And I have worked to try not and shut down conversations as much when unknown people start them with me... I''m working on it and its getting a little easier I think.

So the other night, I was headed home from work and decided that I would do my once weekly 'spontaneous' grocery shopping. Once a week, I head to a few different grocery stores and only look for the 'marked down' basics – fresh fruit and vegetables, dairy products, meat, salads, etc... I am never sure what I will find on these trips and sometimes I find nothing or just a few odds and ends. And sometimes, I come home with salad and veggies for days, some meat and fish, yogurt, milk and sour cream... and even maybe some soup or some beat up cans of tomatoes. This trip is a fun trip- an exclusion for me that doesn't cost me much and helps me to have fresher things to eat on my small income. It's also fun to see what I can find and then create different meals to cook and consume the food. Being able to have this opportunity has been such a blessing and really has made it possible for me to eat pretty well on my income. So I left the first store and started driving to the second. I parked, limped in and started the 'rounds'.

After a quick look through the produce section, I headed over to the seafood section and quickly noticed a decent sale on haddock- $1.99 a lb! I stood at the back of the line and found myself grinning a bit more when I watched everyone else in line buying the more expensive fish and the price to the haddock was changed to 0.99/lb in the hopes of moving the last little bit before the store closed. The woman in front of me completed a fairly complicated fish order and moved out of the way so that I cold place my order. I order three pounds of the good stuff and, as they wrapped up my order, the woman who had been in line before me started a conversation with me. She asked what I was going to do with my fish and I talked about my plans for it – I thought I would fry up a pound with lots of bell peppers and broccoli and put the rest in either soup or make it into sandwiches. She introduced herself as Donna and shared her amazement that I could make fish into something that sounded wonderful so easily. And so I stopped with my basket... and Donna with her cart and we chatted. I told her about other easy ways to cook fish- one of the few things I am really decent about cooking- and she decided to get some fish for herself. I moved on looking through the meat department and was headed to the front of the store when she caught me up again. Donna thanked me and asked how I decided when to buy something and so I told her about my trips. I talked about some of the places in the stores where they 'hide' the markdowns and how I decided something was a good value or not.

It was during that conversation that Donna looked at my neck and asked about the necklace around it. I looked down and asked her which necklace she was asking about (I was wearing two) and she pointed at my gold chain with my young women's medallion hanging down at the end. I've actually never had anyone ask me about it before and, as I felt myself close up, I took a breath and told her about it: what it is, what it means, how I earned it, and how much it means to me as a symbol. Donna then asked what church has such a great program and I said those words that open the door to potential trouble - “I'm a Mormon.” Her response was quick and so unexpected to me - “Oh, like Glen Beck!” - that I didn't school my face very well and my feelings of dismay and annoyance must have been seen clearly on my face. She stuttered and said, “Well, I mean not like Glenn Beck, but you belong to the same church and stuff.” That I agreed with! And she asked me more and listened respectfully and asked a few questions of me that I think she must have gotten from conservative talk radio (probably from the formerly mentioned) and I told her the doctrine I have learned and my beliefs in it. She told me about her church and I asked questions about it and she answered and when we parted, she thanked me again for the shopping information and for chatting with her and hen said something totally unexpected to me.

“God bless you! I am so glad I ran into you today!”

I finished my shopping and went home with a lot to think about. Even a few weeks later I am still thinking abut it. I am glad I took the risk, thankful that it didn't turn into a really painful experience that would bring my anxiety to the forefront of my mind again. And I feel able to try and do it again. But most of all, I feel like I have started a relationship that over time can turn into friendship and even more. I am so thankful that I have accomplished and earned my medallion and grateful that I found the courage inside of me to talk about it. You just never know when you can testify of Christ... you can share his love anywhere, even next to a counter of cheap fish. :)

My Recent Confusion on Forgetting... :)

I was listening to a testimony in church almost two weeks ago and one phrase from a speaker has been rolling around in my head off and on. I thought it was an interesting perspective on things that we don't like that have happened to us.

“Sometimes events happen because there are reasons for them... and so we should not forget them.”

In the most recent conference talk titled “Look Ahead and Believe” by Elder Edward Dube, he tells a story about a conversation with his mother when he was younger. He was pleased and proud of how much work he had accomplished with his mother that day and wanted her to stop working to look. Her response was “Edward, never look back. Look ahead at what we still have to do.” A beautiful talk to listen too and I liked the thoughts he expressed. When I was listening to this testimony, this story came back to me as an interesting juxtaposition to the phrase that had just been uttered... and yet the more I have thought about it I feel like the phrases, while appearing to be opposites actually compliment each other.

All of us have had experiences that we have struggled with and tried to come to terms with in our lives. The number of people with PSTD around the globe is expanding as just a small example of those who are dealing with extraordinary circumstances and trauma and the challenges that they face from it. If there is anyone on this earth would has lead a challenge and struggle free life... I would like to chat with them because I just I can't fathom that they actually exist. :) So when I have had challenges and confusion and struggled to move forward and deal with the trial at hand, much of the advice that people have given me (and I have been taught through lessons and experience over the years) has been to ponder, pray and recognize that these trials and sorrows are for our good and for personal growth. And so as you move ahead in life, you should always look forward to where you are going and not dwell on the past. From some lessons and from things people have told me, they seem to be able to forget these trials in their present and so it's almost as if they have never happened. I will admit that I do not think that at least right now I am built that way. I try to forget and I try to forget but the bigger the impact it had on me, the less successful I seem to be. So I find myself remembering really bad things and situations that caused pain and remorse... sometimes through my own actions and sometimes for reasons that I can't find a way to blame myself for- I'm pretty good at blaming myself actually.

So when I heard that phrase … to suggest that we should not forget, I was momentarily frozen while my brain tried to process what that really meant. It seemed so different from many things I've heard... Yet as he continued to keep speaking, I found that my brain was no longer there. It was dicing and processing and taking apart every bit of this phrase and the story by Elder Dube and the confusion the thoughts were created. Like a strong tangle to two wires, both true and unbreakable, but impossible to separate. And over time, I think I finally really got it. When I stopped trying to separate the tangles of wire and tried to understand I recognized that in different working both men said the same thing. Events that happen in our lives do happen for reasons- whether through consequences of our own free agency or even because of someone else... or even because we need the trial to teach us, to strengthen us, and to mold our spirit into a more malleable shape for the Lord to refine. And there are reasons that we should never forget them. These experiences have developed the individual that exists today. The biases, perspectives and thoughts of the person exist and have been shaped by these struggles and their existence- to pretend or forget why the person is the way they are is to forget who the individual is. But to stand backwards, looking back in pleasure at what all we have accomplished over time and not focus on what needs to happen in the future is also not correct. Because if we allow ourselves to become stuck in past pain and sorrow, we force ourselves into a very difficult trap. We can no longer try to grow and move forward and are simply stuck.... trapped in a vortex of pain and misery that will seem never ending and will be never ending unless we can find a way forward.

This is why the balance is needed. We need to remember, to understand ourselves and our past, to see how we have become who we are today. Yet we need to be able to let go of the pain and the blame -whether towards others or ourselves- to move forward towards the joy and exaltation that we seek. A challenging balancing act to be sure... For those of you reading, what techniques have you used in your life that have been successful in helping maintain this even path forward? What hasn't worked for you? If you feel stuck and trapped, what things might you be able to do to move forward and release yourself from the painful snare you are in?

'Horcruxes' and a Lack of Appropriate Circumspection

“How did Ginny get like this?” he asked slowly.

“Well, that's an interesting question” said Riddle pleasantly. “And quite a long story. I suppose the real reason Ginny Weasley's like this is because she opened her heart and spilled all her secrets to an invisible stranger.”

“What are you talking about,” said Harry.

“The diary,” said Riddle. “My diary. Little Ginny's been writing in it for months for months and months telling me all her pitiful worries and woes....”

“So Ginny poured out her soul to me….”

“...but there isn't much life left in her. She put too much into the diary, into me...”

“Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets”


In the Harry Potter series, I was introduced to the idea of a horcrux- an object in which a person “places a piece of their soul.” A horcrux is a terrible object and the idea of slashing your soul into pieces is so abhorrent (at least to me.) But over some time, I started to wonder if unintentionally I had possibly 'created' my own horcrux. The recognition of that fact totally freaks me out... and I have spent the last few months really coming to terms with that. I talk to a counselor, I pray and I try to work on changing some of the thoughts and that has helped, but in the end I am still forced to recognize that I gave so much of myself to two other people... who I feel have efficiently taken a part of me and left the rest...

I recognize that a horcrux in the Harry Potter sense isn't a real object. I am certainly not confessing to any form of murder or hatred that I could channel to even attempt to create one in that sense. But I am an open person and I did have two great friends. My life will never be the same without my husband and the irony that he doesn't feel that I gave him enough of myself is hard to really understand as I feel the loss and the pain. Nothing seems to change the thoughts and feelings that I have lost everything and I don't even understand why. And to lose my very best female friend at that time has probably helped cement that feeling of loss, fear and ambivalence about the future. I had my life planned out and all of those plans feel trite and unattainable now. I truly feel like I placed all my hopes, my happiness and so much of who I am in these two people. A part of me wonders if I can ever feel whole again. A small part of me feels so apathetic about it that I'm not sure if I even care. And another part of me is so angry... because maybe I wouldn’t feel this way if I had poured most of myself into the Savior. While I feel like I have faith and a firm testimony, I also feel like I trusted these people more than I trusted Heavenly Father and the most powerful advocate that I could ever have. Either that …. or I have trusted them so much that I didn't feel like either the Father or the Son could actually hurt me... maybe so I didn't understand how being open and honest with others can really, really hurt? Not sure. In the end, I do not think anyone except my mother has caused me to feel so much pain in this life.

So over the last few months, I have worked hard to do (or not do) a few things. I have really tried to focus on opening more spiritual doors. One thing that I thought was really silly but I really think has been amazing is that I have picked up some of the materials that were written with a new investigator of Christ in mind and have actually sat and not only read, but even though I felt a little silly I tried to think about and answer all the questions. Another aspect about myself that I am finding uncomfortable is the idea that I no longer want to share with people. People who want to be my friend and who want to try and help me, good friends... It is so easy to just shrug or say that I'm fine than try to admit to the pain in my heart. Heck, I'm finding it challenging to admit to things that are good and I wonder if I feel so much fear and defensiveness that I do not feel like I can share because I am worried that these good things will be taken away from me. If that's not a silly fear, I don't really know what is. So I am trying to fight that feeling and that 'need' to conceal. It's a bit tough to acknowledge how hard it is to fight these feelings... where my soul yearns to speak, but my head clamps down and my tongue is silent or flippant or even diversionary. Anything to keep the questions at bay, to feel less fear, less concern.


I have been accepting callings and really trying to fulfill them. I have tried that in the past but it feels different now. I feel like if I fail or do not succeed at a calling now I haven't just failed myself... I have failed Heavenly Father. Maybe I should have felt that way in the past... maybe I shouldn't feel that way now. I don't know, but there is a sense of urgency about my callings that I have not felt in this way before. In the past, my focus as been really on the people I am trying to help and that has been how I have fulfilled my callings. I have prayed or focused on what people need and tried to take care of those needs and so a calling felt very personal and humbling. My callings still feel personal and I still have a lot of focus- I need it to accomplish them- but there is a small string of fear attached to every decision now. What people really think really matters so much? If I forget to do something and someone decides to lose their testimony or quit, I fear my part in it. Rationally I recognize that people are allowed to make their own decisions, that I just need to do the best that I can and that's all that is expected of me, but that doesn't remove the fear. So I focus on the callings with two emotions that I have never had attached to a calling before- a feeling of frenzy and need to be exceptional... or the feeling of ambivalence, that nothing I do matters as it will never be good enough. I am trying to actively try and fight both emotions now as I don't think either one is OK or good for me.

I guess in the end, I am actively trying to pick up the pieces of my soul and my life and move on. I am not sure that I can ever really feel whole again in the sense that I did before. I don't think I am the same person nor can I be. In some ways, I think I did create a horcrux because a part of me is gone and feels destroyed. Unlike a horcrux though, I feel like maybe I can use the magic of the Atonement and love to fill the empty spots. It will never be the same and I do wish it could be, but maybe the difference will be better for me and I can feel whole again. I would really, really like that. If anything, that is what my prayers are focused on now. Moving forward and moving on. Feeling loved and whole. May I get there soon. :)

Alone No More....

I had an interesting, painful experience at church last Sunday. It has taken me a few days to really process it and to understand this profound experience and how to complete my grief process to a peaceful acceptance. I once shared a really painful and challenging post on a different blog site about some of my previous experiences at church. And at that time, for the first time in a long time, I felt some support and a feeling of relief. I had so much emotion and pain bundled into my body and my heart and sharing some of the grief and challenges felt so releasing. I thought that in that experience I might have removed some of the pain- to puncture the bubble of figurative pus and then clean and bandage the wound so healing would occur. I now realize that was only a start, and not actually an experience that brought me near the end of my journey.

I have been enjoying Sacrament meeting so much lately. After years of being unable to really hear it, I take great comfort in being able to sit with paper and pen and just listen. I try and take notes on the things that strike me in the talks and later I usually head back to the apartment and reread and ponder the things that I have learned after a visit from Bug . I have also had the wonderful opportunity to help new friends with their children and so I can sit and rock with a beautiful spirit snuggled into my lap while we color or draw and sit and work on reverence. It is something that I enjoy so much and I look forward to every week. Sometimes, I will be surrounded by so many beautiful children that I can't take any notes, but I feel the spirit and I do feel spiritually fed. I so look forward to those meetings and the peace that I feel.

Yesterday was fast Sunday. I came to church a bit disheveled and very tired so I sorta knew that being or feeling spiritual would be harder for me. Within a few minutes of sitting down as we were singing the opening hymn I saw Ian out of the corner of my eye. When I looked over at him, he waved and slowly came over to sit with me. And so I spent Sacrament meeting with Ian sitting next to me watching him draw and quietly encouraging him to listen. It was a relatively normal Sabbath meeting for me... until the last testimony.

At that time, Ian had climbed right up onto my lap and was quietly sucking on his thumb while I slowly rocked him back and forth. Sister Erickson started talking about our ward family and how much it means to her. And as I listened, I slowly came to the realization that I feel a part of this family. For the very first time in my life, I truly feel like I have a real, supportive church family... a group that loves me and I belong to. And, as I rocked back and forth, I saw the past image of me standing in the back of the room. Standing all alone with my son in my arms or one my shoulders. Just alone. Feeling blocked off and alone and not able to fit in. Wishing for help, wanting help, begging and needed a friend and having no one. Just standing and wishing that I too could sit with everyone. And now I have it, but I don't have my son. I can't sit with him or hold him and that opportunity I lost forever. And without meaning to, I found myself rocking Ian and quietly sobbing like my heart was broken. I felt so alone and sad and just unable to stop rocking and crying. I just pulled Ian closer who seemed to enjoy it and he continued to smile and look at me as I sobbed. The testimony ended and the group started sing the hymn “Because I Have Been Given Much” and as I listened to the words I felt this pulling of gratitude for what I do have, but at that moment I felt so hurt and alone. I missed my son, my life, my loved ones, my siblings who are so far away and I didn't feel like I could move for the pain of it all. A moment later, I felt a person sit next to me and put their arm around me. For a brief moment, it felt like the Savior holding me and I heard the voice of Spencer W. Kimball saying “God does watch over us and does notice us, but it is usually through someone else that he meets our needs.” As people continued to sing, I sat and felt so loved and not alone at all. Even though I was in the back of the chapel and this brother had been sitting in the front, he felt prompted to notice and come help me... to hold me.... to remind me of Heavenly Father's pure love for me and soon I was able to sing the words as well.... “I shall give love to those in need; I'll show that love by word and deed: Thus shall my thanks be thanks indeed....”

I know it to be true from the very bottom of my heart. I am not alone any more.

Some Snapshots of Life on Gondwana

Gondwana was one of two huge land masses on this planet hundreds of years ago. The first large land mass (Pangaea) split into two large super-continents and Gondwana was the more southern of the two. It included land from current-day Australia, South America and more and this mass was located mostly inside the Antarctic Circle. The climate there at the time of Gondwana was very different from the climate that we envision Antarctica having today. The polar regions were warmer (Earth as a whole was warmer during the Cretaceous Era) as deduced through studies of oxygen isotopes and types of plant life. And the very uneven distribution of the large land masses would have forced ocean air currents and seasonal winds to flow farther across the southern polar area than in our current-day which would have kept the water temperature warmer as well. In fact, some studies suggest that there were no ice caps and even some large forests that covered the land all the way to the South Pole. However, before we think of a beautiful almost perfect paradise, it must be remembered that while the surface of the Earth has changed over millions of years, the axis tilt of the earth has not changed and so this beautiful and not-quite-as-cold-as-we-had-imagined area would also have a polar night. (a period of darkness due to the earth's tilt away from the sun that can last weeks or months.) This would still make Gondwana an area that would make survival for the frail impossible- and even the hardy would have quite a challenge.

Studying history has been something that I have enjoyed for as long as I can remember. It became one of my favorite and easiest subjects at school and I have spent more hours than I can estimate of my life delving into the known facts and interpretation of someone else's life. Evolution, while I think considered a 'science only' by many, clearly is a way of seeing history as well- a history of the growth of life as it were. There are those that see evolution as a theory that stands against and opposes creationism... and therefore is false, evil and must be opposed by anyone that believes in Heavenly Father or a divine creator. I have never seen evolution in this light. In fact, the more I study it, the stronger my testimony of a brilliant, creative and loving Father becomes. My study of Gondwana was such a journey. Learning about the world and the rise and fall of some of the Father's great creations that came in their time and season and are now gone is a study of ourselves and our true worth. It was also a testimony to me of the knowledge that all of his creations- from dinosaurs to beasts to us- was clearly carefully planned and each of us is known to the Father.

So here is just a taste of what you can find it you start looking into the fauna that inhabited this world.... I have included images, but of course all of these images are educated guesses on what the creature actually looked like. I have also added clarification on how each animal got its name- an (*) means that they were named to honor those who found them and not using the typical Greek or Latin.

1. Koolasuchus (*)– This was a amphibian that lived on the part of Gondwana now known as Australia. It was carnivorous and fed on turtles, crayfish, and other prey. This particular animal is notable for two reasons: it was one of the largest of its class with a huge head compared to its weak body and limbs and it also managed to survive longer than most of its close relations who lived farther north. This animal could be 16 feet long but was only about one foot high. It could reach up to 1000 lbs so it must have been a very formidable predator in the water. It would have been not quite been as formidable on land as he would have been weaker and slower than most of the land inhabitants.

2. Cryolophosaurus (cold crest lizard) - This is the first carnivorous dinosaur to ever be discovered on the continent of modern day Antarctica. It is estimated to have been approx. 21 feet long and 1000 lbs. This dinosaur was very difficult to classify because it has some traits that are classified as primitive by paleontologists and it have some which are considered advanced. At one time it was considered the earliest known member of the Tetanuran group, but time and more study have suggested that this animal is more closely related to Dilophosaurus.

3. Muttaburrasaurus ( Muttaburra lizard ) - This dinosaur lived on the continent we now call Australia. It is related to Iguanodon and averaged around fifteen feet in height, twenty three feet in length, and 1-4 tons. It appears to have had the capability of moving on either all four legs or just the back two. Its food supply appears to have been mostly tough vegetation and it has a spiked thumb, which might have come in handy for threatening others or for something as silly as possibly picking debris from its teeth. At this stage, we don't know...


4. Mapusaurus (earth lizard) - These animals have remains that have been found in the land that is now known as Argentina and is related to the Giganotosaurus. This is a huge dinosaur by any standard with some specimens measuring over 40 feet in length and 3000 lbs. These were large meat hunters and debate is currently raging about whether these dinosaurs hunted in groups like wolves or alone or simply in a blundering mob. Because of large fossil finds of this dinosaur, some paleontologists are suggesting that only by having a social group of these animals could they have hunted huge prey such as Argentinosaurus- past theory has held that large meat eating dinosaurs lived and hunted alone.


5. Argentinosaurus (silver lizard) - This is a dinosaur that still remains much of a mystery as few fossils/bones have been found. Its continental place of residence is now known as South America. Estimates on body size are approx 100-125 feet long and 110 tons and have been made on these pieces as no complete dinosaur has been found. It is guessed to be the heaviest sauropod known to man currently. Its existence was only discovered in the 1990's.


6. Megaraptor (giant thief) – This dinosaur is mostly known for its huge one foot long claw that could be found on its hands. It has the most distinctive hand of any other animal in its scientific group and was fairly advanced for a animal living at its time. It could grow to approx 26 feet long, 13 feet tall, and was one of the smartest dinosaurs you could find. This probably made him a very, very dangerous predator. Fossils for it can be found on the continent of South America.


7. Dicynodon (double-dog tooth) – This guy is really cool because he only has two teeth. His canines are still there (and quite large I might add), but the rest of his teeth had developed into a rather thick bill/beak/mouth. So it looks like he had a horned mouth with two small tusks. It is guessed that he used his beak to eat vegetation rather like a turtle while using the tusks to possibly dig up roots from the ground. It averaged around 3 ½ feet in length and remains have been found in modern day South Africa, Russia, China, and Tanzania.

8. Rebbachisaurus (Rebbach lizard) - This dinosaur is a massive plant eater that is from the sauropod family- long neck, small head and a long tail. It is distinctive from its relations by an unusually tall,'ruffled' or ridged back. It seems to have lived in Northern Africa due to fossil concentrations there. They averaged 66 feet in length and were around 30 feet tall. Due to there size and from the fossil record, it is believed that they walked on all fours.

There are so many that are documented - the world was truly full of life at that time. But we as a race know so little about these creatures that came before us... and when it comes to the 'southern' dinosaurs and other fauna we know even less. Some of that is the fault of proximity. Living on the pieces of Laurasia, many paleontologists here naturally focus on the 'northern' animals. Our newspapers will put more focus on news that concerns the finds of fossils that are geologically closer. And our books do tend to focus on 'northern' dinosaurs so as kids grow up, we continue the cycle. If the dinosaurs they knew and played with while growing up were all 'northern' breeds, those will be the breeds that they know and are most exited and interested in introducing to their children. Some fault can also be placed on the idea that many southern dinosaurs are relatively new discoveries- last few decades- while there have been very new northern dinosaur discoveries recently.

I really enjoyed looking at these dinosaurs. I found some fun books that I really enjoyed looking at that I ordered from looking on-line (no one of seven local libraries had anything except for a passing glance on Gondwana and all the dinosaur books I could find didn't have even one 'southern' animal. If I hadn't stumbled across the poster that sent me on my search to discover Gondwana, I probably would have thought that I had a pretty good basic knowledge of prehistoric dinosaurs and animals. I now know that would be incorrect opinion.). I also managed to watch a few excellent BBC video documentaries (Walking with Monsters and Walking with Dinosaurs) on prehistory animals and they were 'spot on' - I really loved them and found myself enthralled watching the creatures living out a story line that was written today, but could easily have been the story of so many of the animals living then.

So this was a fun journey. A journey that I think I might continue in my spare time. I have found a new enthusiasm for prehistoric animals and their world than I have felt in a while. My enthusiasm combined with Bug's curiosity open the promise of a lot of fun with dinosaurs and prehistoric beasts for a while to come.

Collecting, Hoarding, and Anxiety

It's funny what can be collected in a lifetime. I am only 36 years old with one child, yet I feel my overabundance keenly. America is awash in storage sheds and storage companies. It is considered one of the best investments that you can make currently – the stock market may rise and dip, but storage trends have stayed even to upward climbing as time goes on. People may be spending less... but they are storing more. A study released in 2005 indicated that 1 in 11 US households rent a storage unit – this is up 50% from the previous study. I couldn't help but ask myself what people were storing that was so important and so valuable that it was worth storing? (especially since a high number of shed renters own a house) Of course, the irony that I have a huge storage unit that is full and very disorganized wasn't lost on me. And I found many excuses for MY stuff that I found acceptable that I realized I would find pathetic indeed if they were given to me by someone else. Some of the excuses were:

1. I might need it again in the future and then I might have to buy it – so I am paying over fifty dollars a month to store things worth much less so that I do not have to buy them again???? That seemed silly when I thought about it, especially if you consider the fact that some of the things I hadn't used in years and my life was not wanting for it.

2. It 'might have' sentimental value so I should save it – I am not talking about scrapbooks here; I am talking about a cat photo of a cat you do not know, but it makes you laugh and since it makes you laugh.... you keep it. You of course find it tacky and know that your husband will never want you to hang it... but it makes you laugh... so you keep it.

3. But it might be valuable and so keeping it as an investment is a good idea – well, I guess some things are possible... but are you going to make any money if you spend money every month for years to store it?

So this last few weeks, I grew serious about dealing with my 'clutter'. I went to my storage shed determined to keep nothing unless it qualified for three categories. The first category was that it didn't belong to me and as my husband's belongings, I shouldn't unilaterally throw it away (no matter how useless I suspected it would be.) The second was if it was my son's belongings... and then I needed to ask myself if the belongings were useful, age appropriate or older, and something that he would really use or want later. The last reason was I could only keep something if it was truly sentimental and not something that I 'liked' but didn't need. So I got to work and after several trips to my house, the free room, and the dump... I am done!

It amazed me how much stuff I needed to get rid off. It also amazed me how anxiety producing the whole experience was for me. It was really hard to give away things that were not really useful, but were 'mine'. So as I really struggled with this (and have for years), I found the only way to actually do it right was to have an 'outside' anxiety pressure me harder so that I couldn't feel the anxiety of giving away my things. Frankly, that's pretty crazy! So I have taken a little time to try and think over that particular issue. Why did I feel so uncomfortable giving away things? Things that do not matter. Things that are not even very valuable or needful for almost anyone on the planet. Why was that soooo hard?

It turns out that the less money you have, the harder it is to give away things- even broken, useless things. That isn't the only answer. Apparently, many people feel uncomfortable if they do not have lots of things. Even things that are not valuable play into their self esteem and good thoughts about themselves and how they are doing. So people buy things to make themselves feel better, as a substitute for companionship, as a compulsion because of a mental disorder such as bipolar disorder, or just because it feels 'good' to be surrounded by things. So, I probably felt some anxiety because I do have difficulty in affording things, I 'feel the need' to feel better and spending money helps with that, and it makes me feel useful and successful.

That is a little sad. Here I am, a beautiful daughter of God, with a wonderful husband, an amazing child, almost a new house.... blessings every where I look, but I am unable to fully appreciate them because I have so much anxiety about unimportant things. I have faith, a powerful testimony, and anxiety so crippling I am unsure how to utilize them. So... I have mastered the first step of realizing that there is a problem. Now I need to deal with it. That doesn't sound very fun.

Is Questioning Bad?

Why do people tend to believe that if you question something, you are inherently bad? Why is questioning bad? Why do we as human being fear curiosity? Is it questioning itself or do people get upset depending on other factors- such as who is doing the questions, what is questions, how it is asked, etc...

When I was growing up, questioning someone was not a learning experience- it was rebellion, pure and simple. In college I was taught that questioning is the source of growth and learning. But every time I question some policy or cultural expectation of the LDS church (notice my word choice – I am not questioning doctrine), I am branded by almost everyone as a foolish befuddled person who has fallen prey to anti-Mormon ideas, apostate visions or just simply too confused to truly understand the church. My testimony and faith are questioned and found lacking with no evidence besides the word “Why”.

To me, the idea of dissent and questioning of faith are inherent to my faith and stem back to the very earliest Mormon faith. If truth be told, would Mormonism exist without the faith and questions of our first latter day prophet Joseph Smith? Almost every revelation he received was based upon asking the Lord for confirmation and answers to questions. In the church today, we are encouraged to ask Heavenly Father for anything understanding that he is never to busy for us and he will answer our prayers. We can receive revelation to help us with specific needs, responsibilities, and questions and to help us strengthen our testimony. D&C 76:5-10 states:

5 For thus saith the Lord— I, the Lord, am merciful and gracious unto those who fear me, and delight to honor those who serve me in righteousness and in truth unto the end.

6 Great shall be their reward and eternal shall be their glory.

7 And to them will I reveal all mysteries, yea, all the hidden mysteries of my kingdom from days of old, and for ages to come, will I make known unto them the good pleasure of my will concerning all things pertaining to my kingdom.

8 Yea, even the wonders of eternity shall they know, and things to come will I show them, even the things of many generations.

9 And their wisdom shall be great, and their understanding reach to heaven; and before them the wisdom of the wise shall perish, and the understanding of the prudent shall come to naught.

10 For by my Spirit will I enlighten them, and by my power will I make known unto them the secrets of my will—yea, even those things which eye has not seen, nor ear heard, nor yet entered into the heart of man.

So, if revelation is so important and questioning is a basic part of our religious structure so that we can receive revelation, why do we pounce like feral dogs onto our fellow saints who question? Why do we immediately assume that their questions are meant to cause harm to the church? Why do we fear them? And why are we not more like them? Because to question helps us to learn more about God and life itself....