Inspiration From A Wall

There is an amazing Cuban restaurant in Bangor that the ex introduced me too a little bit ago. They make great food and are really good about allergies so that people with allergies can eat there- it does help that most Cuban food doesn't use gluten or nuts. The best thing about the restaurant besides the food is their wall. You are encouraged to write on their wall with your thoughts or artistic pictures and I love waiting for my food and reading the submissions. Today two specific items drew my attention. I'm sure no one is shocked that one of the items I liked was a cat....

However, this one really hit me in the feels...

How many of us have felt ourselves 'grow' away from family or others? I suspect all of us... and what about family who have passed on? I saw this and thought of my grandparents and how they are no longer around to spend time with. I miss them so much right now... it feels a bit like a physical wound that will not heal and continues to fester over time. I think of old friends who I have loved and over time we have grown apart. For some, I haven't seen them since I moved to Maine. For others, they have walked away from the relationship due to circumstances in their own lives. As I read the words I found my heart filled with emotion and my eyes filled with tears. I wonder about the person who wrote these words on the wall and what was in their heart as they shared this small piece of their soul. Lots of thoughts today...

Gratitude - 1/20/18

1. I volunteer every Saturday for about six hours at the local thrift shop. There is a large bin that is filled with bags of clothing to go through and every week, I struggle to get the bags as low as I can... to come back and do it again the next Saturday. Every time I make a dent- sometime quite a large one- but I rarely create enough of a dent to have it remain throughout the week. Today, alone with another volunteer, we emptied it. It was completely empty with no work to be done. That is an amazing feeling. It feels a bit odd to look at the work and realize that there is no more to be done. While there will be plenty more next week, it felt lovely to see that empty bin and recognize it for what it was- a job well done.

2. I hadn't been able to take the time around the holidays to watch all the Christmas movies that I had been hopeful to watch. I had a few new ones to watch and the one I was most hopeful to enjoy I had missed. Therefore, I thought it prudent to enjoy my spare time this evening to enjoy "A Christmas Carol" with Sir Patrick Stewart. It held all the promise I had hoped for and more. I haven't sat and 'just' watched a film in ages. It was wonderful. A few parts of it gave me cause to ponder, but one particular piece of a line caught my ear and has held it after I have turned off the film.

.... the torture of remorse... - Jacob Marley

Definitely something to think upon...

3. When I fed all my companions last night, I manged to get a picture of all of them together except Footie. It is a bit awe inspiring to see them all together and realize how many there are and how much 'mass' they seem to take up together. I am so blessed and so grateful for each and everyone of them. Like an attached parent, I can not imagine my world without each one of them and I am aware that the loss of even one would feel horrible. To watch them together is to smile and , when I tuck into bed at night, I never go alone. I awake in the morning hearing a quiet rumble of purrs and I feel content.

4. I was able to get an amazing deal on a 100% wool queen size blanket. The warmth I felt the few minutes I used it was wonderful and I am looking forward to using it all winter!

5. I found a really interesting pair of pants in my travels today. I recognized the seal before I read the words and as I looked at it, I thought of my Uncle Rick and I missed my family in Utah. I have some amazing relatives out west- in Utah, Washington, Oregon, Idaho and Las Vegas_ and I do not see them as much as I would like. This symbol reminded me of my desire for good things for them, my love for them, and the hopes of a peaceful week for each of them.

A good evening to all. :)

Brief Glimpses into the Lives of Four Women : Dhuoda, Elisabeth of Schonau, Claire of Assisi, and Jacoba Felicie

This week I had the opportunity to read about a few different women from past history. There are very few records of women in history books or documents- the records that do exist give us an insight into the lives of very privileged and/or wealthy women. I have studied history for years and I can spend hours talking about wars, royal genealogies and the stories of women who were European queens... but the lives, choices and stories of the majority of women have rarely been covered or made easily available for study. However, I had the opportunity to read about four particular women this week and I wanted to share a little bit of their stories and talk about some of the differences and similarities in their lives. Many of the comparisons that I make are obviously my opinion as there is very little information to use. Many of my thoughts are guesses and I would love for others to read their stories and tell me what they think of these women and my assessments. I have tried to post links to sites with specific information about these women.

Dhuoda – She is a mother who worries about the world's influence on her son and worries enough that she has written a specific guide hoping that he will carry her words with him as they are no longer together. The name of her 'guide for her son is titled the "Handbook for William". This is the only major text written by a woman to survive from the Carolingian period (generally seen at 750-900 AD.) She expresses a deep love and fear/ belief in a deity and, while she doesn't tell us what religion her beliefs belong to, they are clearly integral to her thoughts and life. She appears to be a strong believer in justice, honor given to your betters (or understanding of hierarchy) as well as chastity.

Elizabeth of Schonau – She was known for her mystical visions and miracles that she performed during her lifetime which is believed to be from 1128-1164. She became a Benedictine nun which tells us that she was a member of the Roman Catholic church and lived in an order that practiced the rules of St. Benedict. She appears to be a woman of some education (although I did discover on doing some research that most of her writing were actually writing down by her brother so I do wonder if she could write…) and she clearly felt very strongly about spiritually calling. She showed a great desire for information from God that could help her in her spiritual journey- she also hoped and prayed for guidance and visions from the Virgin Mary and other saints. She appears to be a strong believer in God, saints, hope, and visionary knowledge.

Claire of Assisi – She was a one of the first followers of St Francis and lived in the church of San Damiano. She created a spiritual community of women and helped write the rules for her created community that followed the ideals of St Francis when it came to finances -absolute poverty was the ideal. This order that was created by her along with the rules she wrote were the first monastic rules that were written by a woman. The ideals and desires of her community to live in absolute poverty was controversial in the church at that time and it took decades for her community to gain papal approval- this approval was only gained two days before she passed away. She lived a devout life and was a strong believer in charity, community, and simpler living.

Jacoba Felicie – She was a women who practiced medicine at a time where women were forbidden to do so. At this time, medical practitioners were trained through informal apprenticeships which were only available for men. As guilds were developed, individuals could be licensed for their medical knowledge which, again, were only available to men. However, Jacoba would examine patients, use herbs and give medicines top patients, and was sometimes paid for her work. (We can’t be sure from the writing that she was paid all the time and I suspect where she wasn’t successful she wasn’t paid.) The documents available suggest that she had been told not to practice medicine before and was being brought up on charges of doing it again… so she was persistent (whether the persistence was from stubbornness, a need for financial stability with no other options, or even a love of her craft we can’t know from the reading.) She was found guilty at the hearing and was excommunicated from the church as well as charged a significant fine. There is no evidence known as to whether she continued to practice after her trial and/ or what the rest of her life was like.

These women had a few things in common. All of them seem to have some sort of religious mindset and lifestyle. Dhouda frequently mentions her spirituality and morals in the letter to her son, Elizabeth is a Benedictine nun which suggests she is a practicing Catholic, Claire of Assisi is a nun in an established order that she helped create under the auspices of the Pope, and Jacoba was known to have said she could heal sick persons if “God is willing.” How they practiced their spiritual and religious lives were different, but each individual clearly felt the mark of deity on her life. Another thing in common was that all four women seems to feel some motivation to help other people- Dhouda wanted to help her son, Elizabeth wanted to share spiritual knowledge to bring people to a belief in the Virgin Mary and Christ, Claire spent her life giving of her time, energy and physical possessions to others, and Jacoba appears to have made healing the pain and illness of other people her life’s work. Each of these women wanted to share something- whether it was love, knowledge or health with someone else. They saw themselves as teachers and mentors to others whether it was by sharing advice, visions, medical care or charity. Each woman was putting herself at risk- whether of punishment or losing respect in the church- for her views and behavior and all managed to do OK in spite of the risks that they took (from what we can tell- Jacoba is a possible exception.)

Some differences seem apparent to me as well although here is where I jump into some real guesswork and the differences that I see may say more about my biases and perspectives than the women I am analyzing. I feel like Dhouda and Elizabeth grew up in different environments and in different ways, but neither individual seemed to have a great deal of confidence in themselves. From reading either their writings or the things written about them, the writings suggest that both were insecure and their self-talk suggests the low esteem they had for themselves. It appears that both Claire and Jacoba felt fairly confident and brave enough to follow their muse. All four women recognized how their gender affected their lives, but Dhouda and Elizabeth needed more encouragement to do the things they wanted to do and felt held back by their sex…. While Claire and Jacoba were clearly also held back in their societies and chosen professions due to being female, but they found ways to accomplish things unacceptable to their sex in spite of the difficulties presented. I am not sure about Jacoba, but the other women made decisions about leaving their pasts aside or the decision was made for them by others. Dhouda had many of her privileges taken away, Claire walked away from her privileged beginnings to recreate her life as she wanted, and Elizabeth left obscurity to become an abbess in a monastery.

We are so lucky to have opportunity to read the writings and thoughts of women from so many centuries ago- doubly so because we have so few surviving records of any women during this time period. Looking at the challenges they faced, I see some similarities between the burdens they worked to overcome and some of the same burdens facing women today. Each of these women tried to be a positive influence towards those they loved and interacted with, but they also worked to survive and thrive within the world they lived in. No matter what gender we each are, that is what each of us is trying to do too : )

Reaction and Thoughts on "Girlhood: Growing Up On The Inside"

This post is on an unique documentary that followed the lives two young women who became incarcerated in their teenage years... and how each of them changed and 'grew' through that process. Both individuals had open ended sentences which meant they would be released based on their behavior and family circumstances. The young women were named Shanae Owens and Megan Jensen.





Shanae was incarcerated because she got into a fight with another girl and the other individual died. She has some amazing family who really care about her and just want to really help her improve, to love herself and to have the best life that she can. I can feel their support in every moment with them and its obvious that she feels their love and support too. Even though she has done something really bad, she feels secure in their love and caring for her. Her family also really openly talks about their flaws and problems- her father admits to a shady past and her mother states, “I've been there.” One of the questions that her social workers and probation officers look at is whether the family is growing as well, and I see so much of that in these clips. Even at such a young age, Shanae is learning about critical thinking and in counseling sessions makes comments such as “That might be effective for her.” I listened to that comment and compared it with some of the individuals around her and thought of her as an older woman inhabiting a young body with a brain wise and thoughtful beyond her years. She has had circumstances that in many ways I can not fathom; raped by several men at age eleven, becoming pregnant at age eleven (not sure if they were from the same circumstance, but I suspect they might be), getting into a fight and not even remembering what happened during it, etc... When she is moved to a group home, she reminds herself, “I started at the bottom there, I can do it here”. She reminds herself of her flaws but also focuses on her blessings “They never gave up on me, my parents, my family, nobody...” She finds her strength in her family and their love for her, so much so that she is able to continue to draw from that strength even when her mother passes away. She seems to see how to grow even within tight limitations and how to use the limitations in many ways to her own advantage.

Megan is an interesting young lady. I am not sure what she was incarcerated for as if it was mentioned I missed it... she doesn't seem to talk about it at all. She states that she is in trouble ever day at her facility and that she doesn't care. I watch her and realize that she almost never looks at the person she is talking to or the camera... almost like she doesn't notice that they are there. Megan states several times that she 'doesn't care', but that isn't what I feel as I watch her. It feels like she cares so much her heart would bleed with the showing of it, she looks away to hide herself, her bravado and anger are her masks. I sense her fear of relationships and hurt, but I also feel her strength and resilience... her desire to be better and to have better is just as apparent as her defense mechanisms.

“You're going to end up just like your mother and unconsciously I have been doing that”

“I regret so much... I feel like an old woman trapped in a young girl's body”

“I'm never going to change anything in my life cause this was what's supposed to happen”

I see parallels between her and her mother and the ways that they think as well as differences in their views. Both of them seem to state at different times that they have nowhere to go and you can see how this view of their lives and positions can shape a negative vision of their lives and possible choices going forward. Her mother states that they need to go to counseling together and Megan refuses- a struggle that I can see in two lights. Counseling would be helpful for Megan for her own problems and learning to deal positively with her anger, but at least at this point I am not sure that family counseling would be beneficial for her. Her mother complains that Megan states that her mother was never there for her – is a 'stranger' to her in fact – and then state that she had custody of Megan until Megan was seven. You see her mother try to count out how many years she had with Megan and the use of words like custody, she had her grandmother, etc... suggests that Megan may have a valid viewpoint... her mother wasn't there even when she wasn't in jail. I watch Megan tell social workers and probation officers that she will not avoid undesirables because her mother would be considered an undesirable and as time goes by to cut her mother out of her life, recognizing the danger and stress that it causes her in her life. Megan has more options than her mother... mainly because she sees that she has more choices than her mother. In so many ways, their viewpoints are similar but Megan's are beginning to evolve as she heads out on own and starts to try and live on her own and with friends. She doesn't have the strong support of much family at all... you do not see her grandmother much at all and only hear about things she might do, etc... (In her grandmother's defense, it sounds like she is overwhelmed trying to deal with all the problems she faces between herself, her daughter, and all her grandchildren.)

“I ain't nothing like my mother”

I see a very tough life for Megan ahead of her. She tends to fight her limitations and looks at adversity in a short term way, not recognizing how her behavior and thoughts can affect her long term choices and limitations. I want to reach out and help her and also back up because her anger scares me a bit... no matter how justified it might be.

Something that interested me and I am still thinking about is that Shanae's family seems more close knit and show their love for each other better. While Shanae seems to have committed a harder crime and therefore, has more to overcome along with the lack of privilege that she has due to race, gender, etc... she is the individual that I have the most hope for after watching this film. Both of these individuals were living their lives beginning to relieve the cycles of their parents that were potentially destructive to themselves and others. Andre Lorde states, “There is no such thing as a single issue struggle, because we do not live simple issue lives.” Both of these individuals show us a good example of how trying to separate people into single categories isn't helpful for the individuals being classified nor really informative to those doing the classifying. It seems like the only consequences of trying to see people in these limited vision are negative... for everyone involved. Megan's mother makes a very excellent observation- “It doesn't matter what you did, it matters what you do” After the death of her mother, Megan mentions that she has so much to forget and she could get drunk or smoke to 'try and forget' but that wouldn't really be helpful in a positive way for her- a very mature observation for some her age and with her grief. I see Megan as getting some advantages that she didn't really work for... that Shanae only got through hard work and in some ways, I think that Shanae will do better for it and that some of Megan's privilege is helping to hold her back from what changes she really needs to make in her life.

I wonder how the director chose these two girls, how she found them and what about each of them drew her to them to help her express her ideas and thoughts. I wonder how these young women changed the ways that Liz Garbus viewed them and their individual situations and how all the individuals involved in this project may have modified their viewpoints on these women and incarcerated young people in general based on the work they performed for this film. I am grateful to see this small vision of what could have been my past and what so many struggle with. Thank you.


One how that came up in some reading near the end was "Orange is the New Black." I have never watched or had any interest in watching this show, however, the statistics in the readings were powerful, sad and horrifying. The fact that jails are now are largest mental health providers in our country isn't totally new to me, but adding women to that equation is. Recognizing that their families and children are affected by the states' choice to incarcerate these women instead of providing mental health services and giving them the ability to be at home seems to suggest that what society's goals really are is to provide people for private incarceration for profit, instead of helping people be productive members of their communities. The documentary asks a good question... “Is incarcerating these women worth it?” I suggest it is not.

photos from: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0368745/, https://woyingi.wordpress.com/2010/05/29/documentary-review-girlhood-by-liz-garbus/

The Identity Game

Have you ever played the Identity Wheel game? Here is a copy of the gameboard....

When you fill it out... what do you find? Here is what mine looks like:

My identity wheel doesn't really have much diversity in it at all. basically... it is a quick and easy people labeler. It took me about three minutes to fill out and I wasn't really surprised to say that it doesn't really tell anyone much about me that isn't already pretty obvious. I am a 41 year old, European ancestry white girl who considers herself to be heterosexual with some minor disabilities. I have had a multitude of low paying high responsibility jobs for most of my life in the medical field that have included working with adolescents in crisis and detox, emergency medicine and pharmaceutical distribution in both hospital and retail areas. I work 6 days a week almost all year to break $20,000 a year, am divorced with one child, and no military experience (had little interest and when recruited my physical stuff disqualified me.) I was born in Rhode Island, grew up in Colorado and Las Vegas and then moved to Maine 15 years ago and will probably stay here for the rest of my time here. I still have parents and family out west and I am trying to complete a college degree. I am a strong believing Mormon (LDS) with very unorthodox views so I do not fit in the orthodox church mold very well.

One thing that came to mind as I was filling this out was how simple it seemed to me and as I wrote down my sexual identity, gender, etc... I had an image of a teenager looking at the paper and hesitating.... Should they write down what they feel in their heart... or what other people would write down for them. In some ways this diversity wheel can also be used to obscure identity to try and fit in better in the society and culture you reside in. So while I found it pretty simple to fill out, I am also pretty comfortable with who I am at this stage of my life. For anyone who doesn't necessarily fit in the normative modes, each piece of the pie can come with hesitation and decision.

It also doesn't cover the aspects that make me who I am. My desires and dreams are no where and do not even leave any hints on this wheel and depending on when it is filled out, so much can change. I was married once and can get married again. I am interested in adoption so maybe I will add more children to my home... doubt it, but who knows. Even the boxes that seen clear such as religion do not tell how I interact with my religion and its teachings nor how other adherents around me change the religious experience for me. An interesting activity thought.

If you complete the activity for yourself, what does it tell you? Are you willing to share?

A Lovely Evening

I am headed to sleep- truly a beautiful evening. :)

I Don't Believe in Reincarnation, but....

I have found myself, eyebrows raised, several times over the last few weeks as I have observed Bear and his behavior around my home. In my past, I have only known one cat who was almost frightening in his intensity, his emotions and his behavior. Jeeves was in my life for over twenty years and is the cat that I miss the very most in my dreams and in odd moments in my life and thoughts. I got him with his brother, Achilles, when they were older kittens. Jeeves was a strong and almost arrogant cat... one filled with purpose and fiercely protective of his brother as well as me. He was an amazing hunter and active personality... not very restful at all. And he was very much bizarre in his desire to try anything- he would jump into the fridge and steal food, climb onto the counters and steal vegetables, and even drag his brother around cleaning him. As he grew older, he could read my emotions and would respond accordingly. He would allow strong cuddling when I was feeling sad and devastated, and would sit next to me and purr when I couldn't sleep to help lull me into the deep. He would nudge me awake when I was having bad dreams and would sit with me while I would force myself to calm and relax again. He also had a bizarre habit of knowing when I was watching something or reading a book that was bad for me and he would do what he could to end it- by sitting on the computer or in front of the screen, laying down on or biting the book, meowing and pressing himself in front of my eyes. Sometimes it would frustrate me, but always I felt his love. He loved life and me so much that he was unwilling to go...especially as my husband began to take everything. He would follow me everywhere and watch me, cuddling, talking, listening... like a loyal security angel. Old and with failing kidneys, he fought and found joy in every day and only allowed death to take him when he had no choice. I held him in my arms as he left and I have never had a companion like him, before or since... until now.

Bear is different in some physical characteristics. Both are black and white, but different- Jeeves with his mostly black medium haired tuxedo and Bear with a mostly white coat and a streak of black across his head, back, and tail with a few misc spots here and there. Jeeves was only slightly larger than an average cat while Bear is already huge and still hasn't finished growing into his feet yet. Both are male with a strength and confidence in themselves and the world. But the differences seem to end there... Bear has begun to steal vegetables and just this morning I caught him stealing some of my cabbage salad. He not only steals vegetables, but he also steals frosting, cake, chocolate chips, cereal and mild fruit. He comes and sits by my head at night and purrs me to sleep and wakes me when my body shudders with dreams. He sometimes forces me to rest by sitting on me and pushing me down into a prone position and as I pet and prod him I tend to smile and sleep... his weight solid and soothing. When I feel sad he has started to run over to me and appears to be trying to figure things out... he is definitely starting to understand the ways I feel and think. And as I have been putting in movies to watch for class that make me feel uncomfortable, Bear has become annoyingly active in his desire to sit on the computer and walk all over the keys until the screen goes blank. If I pick up a book on the same subjects, he sits on them too... pick up a comic book or science fiction... and he just purrs and leaves me alone. It's a bit overwhelming and beautiful and astonishing.

Two years apart between death and birth, but it feels like that noble one is back in my life. Others who have noticed have pointed out the strong parallels between the two cats including my ex-husband. I do not believe in reincarnation nor do I really believe that cats have nine lives... it couldn't be reincarnation anyway because of the long gap in time. But what it clearly seems to be is a small miracle just for me. A gift that many other people might not appreciate, but one that means the world to me. Heavenly Father knows my needs and my struggles and helps fulfill them. I have a reason to rush home now and feel genuine excitement to do so... I haven't felt that way since well, Rob and Bug. I watch Bear stir up the others into long periods of stampeding and I smile... I am looking forward to the next few years. :)

An Official Welcome to Bear and Mina :)

So it's time for an official introduction to the new – well, newer to me at any rate- cat siblings that I have adopted. I mentioned them in a previous post, but they are now settled in and even have names. As such, I am ready to give them a short and proper introduction.

It is certain that I didn't need any more cats at the time that they entered my life. I had Morianna- a good and deserving stray that spent most of her time hiding in my kitchen drawer. Bella the stray is thin, but pleasing and has a quite a personality. And I had also agreed to allow a few people and their cat to move in with me temporarily so I figured that was enough on top of everything else going on. But an outing with a friend and a few machinations... and I came home with two eight month old cats. Black and white and obviously devoted to each other, they can sit looking like the most serious bookends at each end of the couch... or they lay intertwined like the most exhausted and obsessed lovers caught in the wee hours of the dawn. When they first came in, both of them immediately investigated the other inhabitants of the house- Morianna was frankly a bit appalled- and then settled in. Unlike other cats that I have known, I found it challenging to come up with names for them. Their personalities are very different and didn't easily come out with a name. Also, still being quite kitteny- and I'm not really fond of kittens- I found getting close to them really challenging. It has taken a few months for all of us to really settle in.

So the male... older by a few minutes is named Bear. He is an exuberant soul and feels joy in almost everything! He is the first to reach the door when I come home at night and tends to be the first in everything; he is first to the food bowl, first to pat my face awake and first to be found stretched across my bed like a small happy pelt with a loud purr to match in the early afternoon hours. He is also the first to come and hop onto my lap... or sometimes even my homework. It has been a long time since I have any cats in my household that have had the exuberance and desire to stampede over the home and I will admit that I have missed it. A few times a week, I have taken the opportunity to sit and just watch as the whole household of cats run and leap and jump and dash through the house. Once I was accidentally hurt as Bear leaped down from the lamp onto the top of the bed and landed on my face with one paw landing directly on my left eye – it felt bruised for days. But I couldn't be angry for long, he was so happy and quickly exuberant again. Bear is very much Brock's favorite and they can be seen snuggling and tussling as often as they can. In fact, I have never seen a cat that 'needs' to be part of the action so much. I'm looking forward to more fun for many years.

His sister, a smaller and more delicately framed little one, is named Mina. I have no idea where the name came from... I just know that it popped out one day and it stuck. She answers to it and can quickly be seen running up or lounging around to watch the action. She is more reserved and her brother, but absolutely dotes on him and has also become Bella's shadow as well. I have caught Bella forcibly washing Mina as well if her 'toilette' doesn't meet with Bella's strict approval. She is also happy to curl up into my lap and then sit and stretch- purring and pliant while I read a book and I feel so full and peaceful in those moments. She reminds me of Miagray- a Miagray that I once knew except that she isn't so afraid to feel and show it. It's quite wonderful actually.

They still help me sleep and together they are quite a formidable and fun pair. With the addition of Finny- another story that I may tell one day- my household is full and complete. Even now as the night comes in, I sit surrounded by purring friends. I have a good book and a warm stove and everything may still be in slight disarray from moving but everything feels orderly and peaceful. So a hearty welcome to my new housemates and friends! :)

Sometimes I wonder... 1 Nephi chapter 2

I have been thinking a bit about Nephi lately... or I guess a specific chapter actually. I have been stuck on it so much that I am getting behind in my reading for Sunday School. For some reason, 1 Nephi chapter 2 has been something that my brain seems to focus on these days and I find myself being pulled back from the next chapters to stare at pages 4-5. A few verses have really been on my mind and I thought I would share them and my thoughts about them.

1 Nephi 2:11-12

11 Now this he spake because of the stiffneckedness of Laman and Lemuel; for behold they did murmur in many things against their father, because he was a visionary man, and had led them out of the land of Jerusalem, to leave the land of their inheritance, and their gold, and their silver, and their precious things, to perish in the wilderness. And this they said he had done because of the foolish imaginations of his heart.
 12 And thus Laman and Lemuel, being the eldest, did murmur against their father. And they did murmur because they knew not the dealings of that God who had created them.

To me, these verses make quite a few statements that are really worth pondering. I don't know if it has anything to do with my current place in life. But I feel like many people have more of a clue about what is happening in my life than I do. And some of these people are protecting and caring for me... and some of them are not. And I am finding myself falling into murmuring- I do not feel like I am murmuring against my father... rather that I am plagued with self pity, loathing and ingratitude towards my situation. But the verse ends, “because they knew not the dealings of that God who had created them.” I will admit that the more I think about it, I don't know my future and I feel like things would be easier if I knew how they ended. I wonder if I feel sad/angry and I feel like complaining because I 'know not' the dealings of my God. But I also look at this verse and think... “well, why didn't they ask?” And I keep thinking about it... Why didn't they ask? I can't imagine that Heavenly Father wouldn't have answered a sincere prayer. And Lehi and Sarah and even some of their siblings were praying for Laman and Lemuel. It seems clear that something was holding them back. Was it their perceptions of their situation? Was it their lack of trust and conviction in their father? Was it there trust in friends and other people? A biological problem/mental illness that made it more difficult for these two to feel trust and security in their world... many anxiety disorders, narcissism, etc... Where they really closer to the stereotype that we see at church- angry, mean, selfish, and grasping...? A combination of many things? I will never know the answer – I can only answer these questions for myself and my life. Which brings me to this verse...

16 And it came to pass that I, Nephi, being exceedingly young, nevertheless being large in stature, and also having great desires to know of the mysteries of God, wherefore, I did cry unto the Lord; and behold he did visit me, and did soften my heart that I did believe all the words which had been spoken by my father; wherefore, I did not rebel against him like unto my brothers.

This opened a few interesting thoughts to me. One thought is that Nephi originally felt like his brothers- that his father was a little 'strange', etc... so to speak. Another thought is that he did have a sincere desire so he took the time and effort to ask and was given an answer which helped him to understand God better... as well as his earthly father. So I wonder... is Nephi different from Laman and Lemuel only due to his “great desire” for knowledge? Did he ask because he trusted his father in all things and so he felt he needed to ask God to understand a situation that he didn't comprehend? Did he trust God enough that he was willing to ask? I guess I wonder the true circumstances whereas Nephi made a different choice from two of his brothers and why they made the choice that they did. I wonder how many times he had to pray... as I do not always feel like I got an answer I could understand without lots of pondering and a few prayers. Enos certainly had a great desire and his prayer was long and pleading and sincere- longer than I imagine most prayers ever are. The verse suggests that Nephi got his answer, but doesn't tell us how long it took until he got it.

Maybe I find these verses so interesting because I feel like I see an view of Nephi and his brothers that I have never really seen before. I have read the Book of Mormon so many times and I have certainly listened to the stereotyping of scriptural people that many members practice in church. (Which I will admit I try to ignore the comments because I just can't see everything in black and white. Like many people I know and myself, I do not find my testimony threatened if my heroes are not perfect and I find many prophets more interesting and worthy of study when I do feel they are human and not just 'good' two dimensional characters.) I will admit that until I read these verses over and over during the last few weeks, I found that I had never considered Nephi at all like his brothers Laman and Lemuel. But this reading seems to suggest to me that the only real differences between them are really the choices that they made. All three men appear to have questioned their father.... but for whatever reason, only Nephi searched the depths of his mind and heart to ask God about his father and what his father was seeing/saying.... An interesting lesson to say the least!

What are your thoughts?

Why Leaders Lose their Way and some Personal Introspection

I think I have seen leaders, both up close and certainly through the news media, that have lost their way and not only ended up being a failure as a leader but causing the organizations or groups that they are affiliated with to crash or stumble in a big way. I have worked with a few people whose leadership skills have been quite poor and I have personally felt the pain and frustration caused by their poor leadership abilities. So i took the time to look at the different archetypes of leaders that fail and try and analyze what parts of myself I saw in them. I think it is appropriate to say that after looking at the the archetypes of leaders (the Impostor, Rationalizer, Glory Seeker, Loner, and the Shooting Star), I can see qualities of each of them in myself and the way I think and react to things. First I looked at generic behaviors that I could see in leaders who have not been totally successful. Some of the behaviors I have seen displayed in others and myself are arrogance, the focus on selfish desires, the fear of failure, doubt and lack of confidence, as well as misplaced aggression, a sense of entitlement, and the sense of needed to be the hero. In my new understanding of what leaders are and what they can and should be, I have started to realize that I see these behaviors and 'failures' everywhere around me- at church, at local businesses, and at home. But I would be dishonest if I didn't also mention that I see some of them in myself.

Looking at the archetype of the 'Impostor', I do not recognize a lot of these qualities in myself but I do recognize that others around me have them. I lack the ability (at least I think that I do) to understand the politics of getting ahead and I allow almost everyone to stand in my way. :) I do not understand politics in almost any organization and at this point will not pretend to understand them in my private life. I will say that I am not confident in my ability to lead and at least in this point have no wish to be in any position of power or authority over anyone.... not even myself.

Focusing at the qualities of the 'Rationalizer', I see quite a few in myself as well as others. I certainly make mistakes to help things short term that have long term costs. I will admit that I didn't see that aspect in myself until the last year. I also rationalize not telling people bad things because if it isn't useful I think its better to not say anything. Little things like that sometimes do come back to bite me. I also tend to like to share responsibility with others so failure belongs to all of us and I do resist taking full responsibility for things myself. I am not sure if that is because I could be considered a blamer or I work so hard to not be the only maker of the 'choice'. If I work with others we are all responsible for the failure or success.

Looking at the archetype of the 'Glory Seeker', I think I had a few of those qualities earlier in my life. I wanted to be famous and successful and leave my past behind. In some ways I am still that person. I do not want good grades for myself, but so I can say that I have them. I joined the Honor's program because it was pointed out to me it wasn't a great deal more work and I would have that little 'badge' next to my name. I have two minors for my degree and while I wanted them both, I think I did the extra work to have that accolade when I graduate as well. I will say that I think my 'thirst for fame' is quite quenchable and I think I would like to spend most of the rest of my life unknown and not in any kind of limelight. I think I want to discover how to be successful for myself.

Focusing on the qualities of the 'Loner', I recognize that this archetype is the one that fits me the most right now. I do 'believe they can and must make it on my own.' I really feel very uncomfortable forming close relationships right now. I don't feel comfortable sharing much and while I have recently created a support network, I feel very uncomfortable using it for myself and only really feel comfortable using it for my family. I have quite a few superficial relationships and I think I actively work to keep them at arm's length. It is so much easier to keep secrets if I don't let down my guard and I am not close to anyone. I also do not know how to understand people sometimes when they are trying to give feedback.

Looking at the archetype of the 'Shooting Star', I don't see much of it in me at all. My career is so secondary and I then to use it to keep up with my 'Loner' archetype. That way I have social interactions, but have a professional distance from most people. I think at one point I allowed my church membership to act in this capacity and because I felt like there was so much need there I did allow my personal life to be ignored. If there is anything about this archetype that fits me it would be that I always tend to rarely make time to take care of myself. That is always last. I think that I do learn from my mistakes, but I also think that mistakes tend to make me more introspective and less likely to put myself at risk.

I think that any person or leader can find themselves in situations that can cause them to lose their way. I think that if I managed to be successful enough that I felt a bit of confidence in being a leader, I might not be a good leader because I do tend to be a loaner, un-trusting of others and doubtful that any risk is worth the risk of pain and failure. I can see myself struggling and losing my way if the one person I trusted had lost their way and I kept following them. When I was younger I had one good friend and there was a special activity that was set up at church where you were blindfolded and two people were supposed to give us directions across a field of obstacles and one person would give the wrong directions. The leader of the group had my best friend give me the wrong directions. Every other individual in the group only made one or two mistakes when they went through the 2000 feet obstacle course- I made it almost to the end before I stopped listening to Ashley. I think its a pretty good metaphor for myself as when I do trust... I trust strongly. And it takes a lot to lose that trust... but once it's gone I rarely give it back.

So I think it is safe to say that until recently I have never tried to be my on person and I haven't really actively tried to go my own way. I have simply tried to surround myself with good leaders. I am very effected by external pressure and only in the last year have I tried to analyze that tendency and fight it. Too bad I allowed myself to get into the hole I am in now before I got some guts. :/

I have a huge sense of failure. I absolutely fear failure and the pain and problems that it causes myself and others. I fear that I will harm others, myself, and I fear causing permanent harm to everything around me. I fear what others will think of me and how I will be treated. And I think there is a little pride in the sense that I do not want to be seen as a failure by myself. I want to see myself as a good person and I want to be a good person. The funny irony is that I also feel that I cannot say no to anyone who asks for something. I will say yes to someone who asks me to do something that I do not want to do and think isn't helpful, but they asked and the yes trips easily off my tongue... another reason to be careful who I hang out with. :)

My fear of failure affects everything and every decision in my life. I have refused to make many decisions unless I am sure that I can succeed in it. I prefer to stand back, be quiet and sometimes add a comment to a group, but I think I try to be a chameleon and meld into the nearest environmental object... be it wall or picture. I think that I consciously avoid situations in which I need to be a leader and therefore I can avoid the risk of individual failure.

How do you deal with failure? Do you see any of these characteristics in yourself?

Thoughts on the Document 'Declaration of the Rights of Man and Citizen'

I thought it was interesting to read this document and how different times and cultures would read and interpret it differently. One word that stuck out to me as up for varying interpretations was the word nation. The text of the 'Declaration of the Rights of Man and Citizen' is in some ways vague about who actually makes up the French 'Nation.' The word is only used in the third declaration which is:

The principle of all sovereignty resides essentially in the nation. No body nor individual may exercise any authority which does not proceed directly from the nation.

This statement suggests that when the word (nation) is used, the meaning is 'everyone'- that no person or individual is to be excluded and so any time that the word 'nation' is used the assumption is that it includes all human beings. That said, a thorough reading of the rest of the document seems to suggest that certain rights seem to have been given to men only while others were given to all citizens (which I assume includes women, children, and those of other races- I recognize that is a false assumption based on my current culture.) Taking the time to read and assess other documents from the current environment as the 'Declaration' for answers didn't make the definition much clearer. For example, one document states that nobles “opposed measures that they feared would increase ministerial power and insisted that the French 'nation' be consulted about fundamental changes in its constitution. And they saw themselves as the natural spokesmen for the rest of the nation.”
So the word nation in this sentence really seems to be the nobles who believe that they speak for everyone economically lower than them... which is most of the population of France. Emmanuel Sieyes, another contemporary writer at that time, stated that the Third Estate (most of the population) “has... within itself all that is necessary to constitute a complete nation... If the privileged order were abolished the nation would be not something less but something more.” This statement clearly suggests that the average commoner or anyone not a member of the 'privileged order' should be the actual meaning of 'nation'. So it appears that the definition of 'nation' changed depending on who uses the words and what their motives were.

This 'Declaration' has many pieces of it that are quite forward thinking and revolutionary for that time. French society before this time period was very stratified in nature with a small percentage of privileged and the 'inherited' classes on top, a small layer of wealthy and landed families, and a large layer of serfs, peasants, etc... The first declaration in this statement is that all men are 'born and remain free and equal in rights; social distinction can be established only for the common benefit.' This statement recognized and started the process of abolishing the separate layers of this clearly stratified society. The second declaration states that all men have certain natural rights that no government can or should infringe on which are liberty, property, security, and resistance to oppression - in later declarations these terms are described. Free speech is allowed, only actually lawfully forbidden laws can be punished and punishments must be reasonable, the presumption of innocence, the public’s right to be able to have information from the government, etc... However, in many ways this document is not that revolutionary. Women have no actual rights declared (until recently and in some cases in this country we still do) and unless a law specifies women then the law doesn't necessarily include them when the law uses the word 'men'. How this has been interpreted is that if the law is a negative such as stealing, women can be prosecuted under the law and they are. However, laws that are positive and provide benefits (such as owning property) tend to have be interpreted as excluding anyone except for men. So while some men gained more rights in France during this time, no one else did. Property was now considered a sacred right that could not be taken away by the government without due cause, but the property still belonged to those who had been of the privileged class... leaving the vast majority to have freedom, but no property so they were still in some ways tied to the land. The Declaration also seems to have been interpreted to only give white males the rights and so minority men could still be slaves and not covered by the law... in fact they could still be considered property so the law gave them no rights except for the sacred right of 'being owned'. So the privileged order may at that time be considered 'not as privileged', but they still had the land, the money... and now that the government was overthrown, they had that power to. It was in their interests to keep as much as they could and still keep the 'Third Estate' happy. Some rights were given to citizens but the definition of what a citizen was is not in the document and was left for other people to determine- again being able to interpret it in the ways that suited the wealthy and the property owning classes.... and their own biases.

When reading this document and trying to decide what the writers envisioned in a society that was governed under the 'Declaration of the Rights of Man...', I feel like these individuals were hopeful to make good change but also wanted to really calm down the rebellion. By making the new basis of government so vague, everyone could feel satisfied and calm down and get back to their everyday lives. During this time, the laws and government could then be made and as long as there appeared to be some benefits, the majority of people wouldn’t have revolted again. Getting the violence stopped and everything back to 'normal' would have been a key thought in the mind of these writers. I do believe that the writers did want to make the world they lived in more equal and to move away from the absolute monarchy, but I also think that this document is still based on the assumptions and biases of these writers- all of whom were white males of good family and not wrung out in poverty. So I envision them looking for a country without violence, more equality and a more representative government... but a country where white men still ruled and had more benefits than anyone else.

If you take the time to read this document (it is only a few pages), what are your thoughts on it? How do you read it and what does it mean to you? What do you think it meant to its contemporaries and its authors? This document is very like the American 'Bill of Rights' as many of the writers and contemporaries who gave voice to both documents thought were the same... Does this change how you feel about either of these documents?

Thoughts on Revolution, Potential Causes, and Revolt

I did quite a bit of reading on the causes or potential factors of building a revolution- I am currently studying the French Revolution that started in 1789. There are many different causes that can be pointed to in hindsight for a revolution and during my studies I have certainly found several potential factors- poverty, lack of prosperity or hope for the majority of French constituents, poor economy and lack of jobs, huge governmental debt, perception (or reality) of the government being weak, unable to lead or create positive change, and ignorance or indifference (or at least perceived ignorance or indifference) by the few who had the most ability to create change.  All of these could be considered primary factors in creating an environment that sparks a revolution- I think that the more of these factors you add, the more you can actually bet on the spark being lit by a 'small' act and the revolution is now fully operating, so to speak. During my studies, I tried to think of factors that would make me as a person be willing to join in an overthrow of my country's government. As I thought I decided that all of the answers that I gave above would (at least in my case) really be secondary factors- all of them are bad, but I do think that to actually join or start a revolution, I would have to have one other defining factor. I think I would need to have pretty much all of the above, but I also would need to feel that the safety of my family and community are not only at risk, but the idea of the status quo being just as dangerous and life threatening as a revolution might be would be the primary factor that would get me to be involved. I think I would have to feel passionately that all of us (friends, family, community) might be dead unless I did something.... and most of the above factors would have to be in effect for most of that to happen I suspect. The thought that frightens me the most about this line of thinking is that I think many countries, including our own are in this sort of 'swimming pool'- the factors above are all in place and the pool is full and glistening in front of us... we are simply waiting for the one thing/person that gets us all going off of the diving board. I really think that most people will not join a revolt or cause one that becomes a revolution unless you have many factors that they feel passionately about, no ability to see that they will be fixed in the future and the very real possibility of the problems getting so much worse. If you have been suffering for awhile, even a small suggestion of more suffering could really be a breaking point.

I think that these factors are the same reasons that will continue to push for revolutions now and in the future on our planet. I think that as long as people feel hope that things can become better, they can feel help and that they have a voice for facilitating change... then we can as a people will continue to suffer with the economy, shrinking public safety nets and community services, and other difficulties and will do so looking for the light at the end of the recession, etc... But suffering for long periods of time, feeling 'dull' and hopeless, and finding no ways to move forward and only despair and suffering can and will eventually cause people to strike out in their frustration, anger and desire for something else.  I think that is why revolutions tend to be so bloody- the negative emotions cause people to do things that they might never do in any other circumstances. And that is one reason that I dislike the idea of revolution so much. People kill children and people who do not agree with them to up hold their virtue - whether it is change, human rights, etc.... and their virtue becomes in some senses a demon; harming and killing everyone in its wake until the fire of their passion and virtue is put out, contained or destroyed. Many die who had no part in making the problem, many die who wanted to fix the problem, and many die who may not have even understood what the problem was. I will admit that I don't feel comfortable with revolution – even non violent revolution- simply because of the ferocious pace. I prefer change that comes gradually but sure and brings people happily or confusedly into the group... not by force, or other negative means.

Do you think that America has many of the factors that I described above? What are your thoughts on this issue? What would you need to have to get involved in a revolt/revolution?

My First Two Earliest Memories - Description and Analysis

This post is quite bold and doesn't paint me in a very good light. I decided to post it here for the few people that read my blog by simply coming to it. I think that the thoughts and analysis are painful but important and I think that hiding them is not useful to my growth as a person. So, here it is and I hope that you will not think too poorly of me from the knowledge....

I do not have a lot of early memories and the few that I have are really not positive ones- I wonder how many other people feel that way? I think that the few that I have do mark key turning points because they are the few that I remember and I seem to remember them and the emotions surrounding them so clearly even today. The very first memory that I have was playing on a beach with a new beach set – a pail, rake, etc… I remember feeling free and busy and finding my first hermit crab. I remember the smell and the delight of this really neat animal and my glee and almost greed to collect as many as my pail could fill to give to my mother. I remember the excitement and the intense focus I gave to my work- to find as many as I could to give to her and they needed to be big and have neat shells and I might have even felt a little bit of greed- I am not sure on that. But I remember filling the pail- it was brimming with this crabs that of course all wanted to get out and I had caught them all without being pinched or harmed and I brought them to my mother… who was revolted and angry and yelled about my foolishness and ordered me to go put them back one by one. I remember the shame and my hurt and when I tried to dump the pail, my mother again emphasized that I needed to individually pick each one up and put it back nicely. And I remember crying and putting my hand into the bucket and finding it impossible either through my tears or impossible in general to pick up a crab without getting pinched. I remember completing the job in silence by simply lowering a finger into the bucket and simply allowing a crab to latch onto my finger and I would bring it up and pry it off onto the sand. I would change fingers as they really started to hurt and even bleed, but I remember my sorrow, my fear, and my rejection… and a little bit of anger and a feeling I recognize now as a feeling of being alone and having no one who actually cared – not sure what word describes that. I can look back on that experience and see that experience as one that I would only repeat again when I was thirteen years old. (I saved my allowance for six months and purchased a ton of different gifts for my parents for their wedding anniversary- My mother hated every single one and pointed out why it was worthless, useless or simple stupid/bizarre. At least with my parents I have not repeated this experience.)

My next earliest memory is slightly fuzzy at the beginning as I think the beginning of the situation must have really been experiences over a longer period of time. I remember standing next to the blue car that my parents drove for years (a blue Chevy Malibu I think) and looking at my cousin in front of me and feeling angry and jealousy so strongly towards her and her smile which wasn’t very nice. I remember her opening the car door and getting a book out of the back that was mine and having her look at me and say that if she wanted it, all she would have to do was ask my mother for it and it would be given to her and I just felt so much anger and hatred and jealousy I think– I don’t know really what I was thinking, but I pushed the car door with all the force that I could muster and slammed the door on her hand. I remember standing there feeling a slight bit of satisfaction as all the adults cooed over her and my mother told me how awful I was and she gave away my book. I look back at that memory over the years and I do feel a little bit ashamed, but I recognize that I think I also knew that I was going to lose a prized possession, so I think I thought I might as well get something for it. Unfortunately that is a lesson that I am trying to unlearn even today. :(

These are my two earliest memories and I am able to see a few turning points in them when I look. The first memory was from when I was around three years old and I think I learned to ‘grasp.’ (When that word came to mind I had an image of Gollum from Lord of the Rings in my head, but as much as that image is horrible, I think in some ways it is an accurate one.) Instead of learning impermanence and that things in life are not guaranteed, I learned that maybe I could hold onto things I cherished harder and to hold anger and frustration when they were unfairly taken away. I learned to only hold a few things cherished, but those things are sacred and the angry and frustrated that I would feel up to a few years ago at their loss was pretty terrible to behold I think. (I have really been trying over the last decade to deal with an anger problem that while not violent didn’t seem to be entirely under my control. I think I have gotten a lot better, but I am not sure if I really have or if I simply believe myself to be better.) The other experience was when I was around five years old or maybe six and I think what I learned was that I couldn’t control anything so I tried to find ways to create control out of fear and also create good reasons for my loss – if I was going to lose something, then I wanted something in return. The idea of striking back is still one that I am struggling with. I think that I have beaten it, but some people who are close to me say that I have not and my husband has told me that he would never have married me if he had known how vindictive I was and still am. The thought that I harm other people still causes me a lot of pain and has caused me to withdraw from almost everyone in my life and I don’t see that changing any time soon – I feel too much fear.

I think that is the story of my life... I feel too much fear. And I think this may have been too honest. I feel like I have picked up a big rock to see the disgusting slime and life underneath and it isn't very nice.

The Temple

I enjoyed so much my most recent visit to the temple. One thing about the temple is that while every visit is the same (especially if you are unendowed), every visit is so different based on your frame of mind. This visit was a little different because I went for a few different reasons and with a few different thoughts in mind. I felt prompted to go and a chance remark from an acquaintance caused my small and weak prompting to become to become a hard and firm resolve. Even when the typical 'chaos' and negative stuff began in the forty eight hours beforehand (as always happens before the travel and attendance of the temple), my resolve only wavered slightly and never in any permanent way. I felt that the path before me was fixed and I remained resolute in my determination and desire to go.

It was an amazing experience. Some would say that it wasn't much in the sense that after I got to the temple, I just mostly walked around the grounds and thought and cried and wondered and hoped. At one point I was given a great yet uncomfortable insight into a person I used to know and I needed to let go of- I really needed to understand many things. I will not pretend that I understand things better, but I feel differently. Over the last few months my anger has abated and I have looked for peace, direction, and understanding in my life. I am finding peace and a direction that I did not expect but I am attempting to follow. I am trying so hard to allow the direction that I feel impressed upon....sometimes I think I am trying too hard and I want- no need- to go slower, to feel less, to be braver, to lose myself in the opportunities that the Father has provided to me at this point in my life.

One thing that added a bit of humor to the day was the misc chatter of people exiting the temple or walking to their cars while I was walking around. In many ways, I became a moving part of the scenery. People would chat and move around me and carry on their average conversations and it felt a little strange that people carried on average discussions right outside the door. Some started talking on the phone as they walked out the doors. It almost felt like being at the temple was so blaise and so benign that being in the temple and its grounds was 'nothing' and didn't mean much. Now, on one hand, we should behave in the world and in our lives the way we do at the temple- everything and anything should be for our spiritual learning and fulfillment. Here are some of the funny things I heard:


'...and so they ended up divorced and so I was so completely happy...'

'I couldn't remember whether you said the loft or the tower...'

'Well, the ice pack has melted we'll be doing good to get to the church...'

'Are you already for me?'

'...I thought it was just medium... ummm tall, not short. There's no medium?'

'Do you need some more of these sugar free mints?'

'I missed your call because I was in the temple. Did you need anything?'

'Where's Carolyn...?'

'I have to tell you that I am well known for my chocolate eclairs....'

'At least they have take out... (the temple)'

'You might have to sit on your butt.'


Sort of silly huh? I left out the guy who paced outside the doors discussing the ups and downs of the stock market. :) I guess the different conversations on the mundane sounded so strange to me on the temple grounds. So in the end I had a great time and it was worth it. Can I challenge you to go to the temple in the next few weeks? Come back and tell me what you did... and what funny stuff you heard.! I'm waiting.... :)

History of a Song: February - “Lord, I Would Follow Thee”

The lyrics of this song were written by Susan Evans McCloud. She was born in 1945 and currently lives in Provo, Utah. She is best known for her LDS novels/historical fiction as well as for this particular hymn (she has written two hymns total... and has written around 45 novels- averaging one a year over the last few decades.) It should be mentioned that her fictional works are slightly decisive in the sense that as an author, she tends to produce either praise or criticism- very little middle ground is found. You either like her work... or you do not. :) The story behind the development of this hymn is a pretty remarkable one... especially for a twelve measure hymn. The author was asked several times do write a hymn and would start and forget several times. Then on a Friday afternoon before a very busy family and conference weekend, she was asked to have it ready by Monday at 9am. She did and the hymn we are discussing is the result of that busy, hurried weekend.

The music for this piece was written by K. Newell Dayley. He was born in 1939 and is a prominent LDS composer and hymnwriter. He also taught music at Brigham Young University and retired completely from the institution in 9/2007. Among the music he has written is the music for the songs 'I Feel my Savior's Love' and he wrote both the words and music to 'Faith in Every Footstep'. The most common version of this song was arraigned by Craig Petrie. It has been sung in Mormon churches all across the world and has been described by some organizations as one of the most loved songs of the LDS church. It has been produced by the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, Michael R. Hicks, and a group called 'Hims 2' as well as others. And, as a small side note, this specific title of this hymn was also used for the inspiration for a painting exhibition by Carl Heinrich Bloc. Mr. Bloc was born in Copenhagen, Denmark in May 1834 and studied painting in Denmark and Italy after his original training to work at sea. His several painting exhibit/commission titled “Lord, I Would Follow Thee” is currently hanging in the Frederiksborg Palace Chapel in Denmark and many of the paintings are used by the LDS church in their 'gospel art picture kit' with permission from the palace chapel. Also, many of Mr. Bloc's paintings have copies hanging in LDS churches, temples, and magazines/publications throughout the world.

One aspect of this hymn that is unlike most other hymns is that the melody of the first two verses is reversed in the last verses which causes the same word choice to change meaning. In the first few verses, the expression of hope and desire are expressed and as you continue to sing the words, they become less of an expression of desire than that of commitment. This hymn is #220 of the current LDS hymnal.


Do you like this hymn...? Why or why not? What does this hymn remind you or... or help you to feel? And for those who are interested in the artist wait a few days and I will do a post on the artwork of Carl Heinrich Bloc.