Showing posts with label memory. Show all posts
Showing posts with label memory. Show all posts

2013/11/04

Fear and Loathing… for “Four Friends”


So after missing a week of class, I arrived last week feeling shaky and tired but, with a drink and tissues in hand and a computer, pen and paper in front of me, I settled down ready for another provocative evening of film and thought. I cannot say that isn't what I got.... ;)

I cannot say that I liked the film “Four Friends” and I dearly wish that I could. At least I wish I could say something definitive about it.... whether I hated it or loved it or something. Instead I feel this mass of emotions that hours later I cannot seem to dispel. I feel twisted up and almost suffocated by the waves of them that flow over my thoughts and are buffeted by the winds of memory, hopes, dreams, and regret. Hours after I arrived home I found myself awake, restless and sweating... feeling the darkness close in as my eyes stared into the nothingness. Every attempt that I made to clear my mind was insufficient and only seemed to throw the distractions into sharper relief... causing even more agitation and restlessness in my heart. So, here I am, trying to empty the swirl of thought vomit in my brain onto the page in the hopes of some relief, some small amount of weariness to be allowed to enter my brain and slow it down enough for the oblivion of sleep to take over and allow the darkness to pull me into the deep. I was vaguely horrified by my reaction and to stay sitting and not to leave... to not walk out of the film and to go home... well, that was a serious amount of work. I am still not sure how I accomplished it.

Within the first few seconds of watching Georgia almost literally waltzed onto the screen, I felt feelings of deep loathing and disgust. She appeared to be a character/ person with traits that I dislike intensely. I felt she had self-confidence bordered on arrogance and an immaturity that frustrated me. I saw her as vain, overly flirtatious, manipulative and even a little benign. And as I watched I was torn between my feelings of dislike and a growing amount of dismay as I started to realize that I didn't like her not only for the 'legitimate' reasons, but I think I also didn't like her because I saw some 'parts' of her that I felt were mirror images of some of the things that I hate in myself. And so, as I sat there loathing her, I realized how much I really loath myself. How I want to be pretty and I'm not. How I want to be liked and to be wanted by the people that really matter to me... and I am not. And how I would love to be able to enjoy things more... and I can't. And I could see her confusion and her hopes and her dreams written all over every aspect of her being... and I could feel my confusion in my youth. I could feel the dreams that I had to be loved and to have a wonderful normal family and to be me... to be cared for as myself even though I am eccentric and I have too much energy and I speak without thinking and I also think a bit too much of myself. I worry about whether I am accomplishing enough and what other people think and all sorts of stuff! So watching Georgia and her behavior was a bit like watching a distorted image of myself and things I wished I was brave to do or feel comfortable doing... and feeling jealous. And feeling angry because I want so much and I can't have it whether I'm good or bad or anything. It's like nothing I do that's right and nice gives me anything positive at all... except the comfort I feel from doing it. And then I feel scared because I think that I am running from life too and I'm not sure that I feel like I want to find it but I don’t want to feel like I've wasted it either. In essence, Georgia is a spitfire... and I am conflicted about them.

Danilo was a very interesting mix of a person and I found myself drawn to him even as I was repulsed by Georgia. I thought I could feel his fear of her and any relationship with her but also his extreme hope and love towards the America that he saw and wanted to exist. He wants a better life than his father has and is frustrated that his father seems so unhappy and doesn't want to better things. As he says, “There is college...” and his father states, “Not for you. In America we work.” His father also says “I'm tired and I have to go to work – that is America.” I heard that line and I can't even express how often I have felt that way. I think I have just thought the ending slightly differently... In my mind, I think “I'm tired and I have to go to work – what else can I do. I'm an adult and I must eat or die.” This is a very different viewpoint than the romantic and fairly extreme viewpoint that Danilo carries in his heart. Danilo is also a bit too honest and speaks his mind and his heart to his detriment. His mouth is both a blessing and a curse as it brings him happiness and a lot of pain. His every word holds so much meaning – when he looked at his father and said ' Dada” … you could hear the hope and joy and 'feel' what that meant to him. That one word became a complex tapestry of images and emotion as we look at his young face.

His friend David was an interesting mix as well. He is overweight and seems to understand life a little more - “between chromosomes and tradition, what else can I do.” He is easy... easy going, easy to lead, easy to love, easy to leave.... easy to forget. And he seems to know this about himself. So he is quick to laugh and think good thoughts of others and worry... sometimes too much... most of the time not much. And Tom.... well, I didn't feel anything much about him at all. I do not feel like until the end of the film he fleshed out much as a character at all. He didn't seem like anything more than a colored shell until he came back from fighting in Vietnam. The funny thing is that I do not feel like he changed that much... but he did in the sense that he seemed more grounded and his character felt more real. I am not sure that I ever really liked him... but I didn't dislike him either. He just seemed like a decent boring guy by the end... isn't that how most of us turn out as adults. :)

And so the movie finally ended. I could still hear the scream of the saddened and distraught mother... who is no longer a mother... and the wife... who is no longer a wife... just a woman. “I don't really know what to do with that word.” Sadly, I am almost in the same situation and I do not know what to do either. I can still feel her loss and her grief and confusion and I can claim those emotions as my own. I hope that someday I will not understand her grief as well as I do now. And I hope I am not offensive if I admit that I never, ever want to watch this movie again. I want to let the images and emotions fade so that I can continue to heal from my past. I want to forget.

2011/10/25

Highlights from my Summer

Boy, this has been a crazy year... for me at least. But even with the yuckiness and the trials that have caused me much distraction and grief, I have had some brief moments of awe and joy. I thought I would share a few and it comes as no surprise to me that most of these moments contained animals or nature in them. So here they are:

1. I got to spend a bit of time weeding this summer for some extra money. The time out in the sun was wonderful and I got to really see a few fun things. I got to see a monarch butterfly,







The longest worm ever!





Small juvenile foxes running along the road looking for food....











Frogs with amazing voices- loud and clear!












Large spiders just hanging out in midair....











Huge amounts of ants and pupae moving along the ground....












Tiny toads in the grass.










Newts hiding in the grass and the wet












And the smallest slug I have ever seen in my life!













A few things were really memorable and remind me why I live in a rural area. I saw:

a hidden duck nest















huge blossoming plants of daisies... they are my favorite flower!











Seals near the shore where I was working. They would come several morning in a row and just play in the surf and the shallows. It was beautiful and I am sorry that I wasn't able to get a picture except for the disturbance in the water after the seal have reentered the water.












The pasture that I have been trying to grow is doing very well... almost too well as the plants grow so quickly and thick that I do not keep up and I end up with grasses and flowers as tall if not taller than me.











I had some of the priesthood over to cut wood late this summer and it was such a blessing. It was also amazing to see how much wood so many of them would carry at once. It makes me smile. :)













Bug had a great summer. Our blackberry bushes were abundant and he enjoyed filling large containers of berries.
















Bug also experimented with making donuts and I was the happy recipient of his labors. He happily fed me donuts until I didn't feel like I could eat any more. It was wonderful!









How was your summer? Do you have an experience that was wonderful and inspiring that you would like to share? What blessings did you have?

2011/03/15

There is Special Providence in the Fall of a Squirrel...


Today, I caused death. Not intentionally and I certainly am not bragging... but unintentional or not, I killed a squirrel. I did the usual try and slow down...swerve a little... all the things that you do while driving at 25 miles an hour and panicking as you see the squirrel leap lightly into the road in front of you and start to run. But, unfortunately for the squirrel and myself, everything I did was not enough and I hit him. And, while I was going fairly slowly, it appeared to be a quick death.

I feel so uncomfortable with the idea that my actions, unintentional or not can cause hurt, pain, or in this case death. I pulled over to the side of the road and my first thought was “Father, please change this.” My next was “why did I leave the house so early? If I had been a few seconds later.....” That kind of thinking is foolhardy and certainly didn't change the situation at all. I recognize that I may do this to people (hurt, not death) on a fairly frequent basis and that thought is overwhelming and uncomfortably sad. And, as I sat by the side of the road, I think the grief that I have been feeling for weeks just flooded into me and I couldn’t do anything, but climb out of my car and carefully cradle the squirrel in my hands and just sit by the side of the road and cry. I cried for the loss of the squirrel but also my losses and my fears and I just cried. I must have looked a wreck and half crazy... just kneeling by the side of the road, crying and praying and holding this poor dead animal. I eventually wrapped the squirrel in a holey t-shirt and buried it under the snow underneath a beautiful tree and headed off to town to 'fulfill' my responsibilities and commitments.... but throughout the day I could feel the grief sitting so close to the surface of my heart and the tears barely behind my eyelids.

I have to find a way through this grief. I am so far behind in school it isn't funny and I just feel like -nothing-. Just nothing. I do not feel like doing anything and I am just going through some of the motions and pasting a smile on my face and trying not to be angry because that won't help. I frankly do not feel like continuing to endure. I know this sounds funny, but in a way I am so glad that I hit the squirrel because I think I was forced to not only grieve but think about my choices and what I want right now. But I do wish that I could have learned the lesson some other way.

2011/01/23

Questions and Thoughts on Oral History and Tradition


This semester I am studying Oral History and will be doing an hour long interview. I thought I would post these questions. I had a lot more but I think these particular ones cover the basics of what Oral History is, oral tradition and how it is used, and how these forms of history can be beneficial. I need to decide on a topic for my class and I am thinking of interviewing a Catholic nun... After reading this post, does anyone else have any suggestions that they would be interested in? I was very fascinated with some of the differences and information I learned. Hope you find something interesting and new in this post as well. :)


1. What does the study of History teach us?: The study of history can teach us how to look through the eyes of another human being and what life and culture were like for them. History fores us to look at the world and life differently than how we live it- even when studying the history of someone who lives next door or in the same family. We can learn why people did they things that they did...sometimes through journals and letters where we can 'see' what they were thinking and what thinking went into those decisions and how they changed the life of everyone involved. This study can teach us to become more introspective about ourselves and how we make decisions and to question why we do what we do in our lives. The study of history also teaches us about basic human traits and humanity itself. We are forced to face our fears, prejudice and other ways of thinking when studying history and we are also forced to think about our role in the history that is being made today that we call our life. It can also teach us how to live in our contemporary society in an intelligent and informed matter. Being able to understand or at least show tolerance to the actions of ourselves and those around us keeps life more interesting, safer, useful... and beautiful!

2. What is oral history?:
Oral History is almost the most personal of all ways to collect historical facts and research. Oral history is the research, preparation and collecting of facts, observations, recollections, etc... of knowledge from another human being. Oral history can not be gotten by reading a dusty ledger or sitting quietly in a dark library. Oral history tests you as a historian and as a human. To collect information, you must be personable, able to engage with others, able to listen and not steer the conversation in different directions or toward your own biases. You must be able to act sympathetic-even when you personally are not- and help people to share honestly what is in their memories and also be able to assess the information and the individual sharing it. Oral history is a little different than oral tradition and oral history can be more useful for the society that is generally mostly literate. One reason for this is that the people in these societies are less likely to use their memories to hold 'things' long term... as they could be written down or recorded. The focus of this class will be on the “collecting of an individuals spoken memories of his life, of people he has known, and events he has witnesses or participated in”.

3. What are the common types of historical sources?:
The most common sources for historical information can be easily classified into groups. The grouping of written documents can include, but are not limited to- journals or diaries, books or other published works such as newspapers, letters, and governmental records such as census forms, applications, and tax records. Other examples can be land or property deeds, ledgers and/or records kept by groups such as churches, non profits, small informal groups, etc... Another group would be 'visual documents' and would include pictures, portraits,and prints that-while they may contain no writing- can tell us a lot about the subjects and environment/culture at the time they were created. The grouping of physical documents can encompass almost anything that hasn't already been covered...such as coins, clothing, tools, furniture, buildings, art, music, etc...

4. What is oral tradition? What role does it play in literate and illiterate societies?: Oral tradition is a story, tradition or practice that is shared orally or through speech- usually handed down from generation to generation. Oral tradition is usually eventually written down, but can tell us so much about the society and the people who originated them and allows history to be kept and shared by groups who do or did not have writing. It was a good way to keep valuable information for others in your group and would allow the literate and the illiterate alike to share the information. One downside of written documents is that they are only as useful as the person attempting to read them. If there is no one who can read the document... then the information is just as unavailable and gone as if we didn't have the documentation in the first place. (Sometimes you can get lucky and discover how to read the documents so they shouldn't be discarded- the Rosetta Stone is an example.) Oral tradition can cover such 'documents' as speeches, songs, interviews, and conversations. Oral history, especially if shared by a quite charismatic speaker, can evoke emotions, memories and actions that the written words is hard pressed to match. And again, the spoken word is available to all who know the language- whereas written documents have an added impediment. Spoken word, as shared with more people and preserved by memory is more accessible to everyone -anyone in hearing distance. Other documents can easily be destroyed- a book can be burned, etc... But to destroy a memory, you must destroy all who have the memory before they can spread it... and like destroying a trail a gossip, it is a horribly impossible thing to do! :) So societies that have no way to write it... or will be punished for writing it down.. would carefully remember these 'documents' so that they could still be shared.

5. What is the difference between oral history and personal observation?:
Oral history is something that is told to a person-usually a person that has very little experience with what is being discussed. One purpose of oral history is to share something with someone who doesn't have that experience. Personal observation is experience. While people can tell you their experience, you as the historian will also be colored by your view of the experience and merging the perspectives will be more difficult if not impossible. The best way for me to understand this is by looking at the difference between the words sympathy and empathy. A person can have sympathy and some understanding of an experience, but because they have not experienced it, they cannot have the depth of knowledge of one who has personally experienced it. So a woman who has lost a child has a much better understanding of a different woman’s situation when she has lost a child and can have empathy, but a woman who has never had a child cannot not truly understand what that other person has gone through- no matter how many times it is explained. There will always be missing pieces... sort of like the concept of history in general. :)

6. Why is oral history especially important in this age of communication revolution?: People in this communication age are far less likely to keep written documents such as journals. Facebook allows you to store and save your status updates now, but that doesn't tell you what was said in conversations or really what you were thinking when you wrote that tiny jot of information. And once we forget the information... it is gone. People used to write letters and mail them- now we write emails and delete them... or we save time and talk on the phone. I think we also spend less time with people these days and so sharing with people is less of a priority. We divide ourselves off and just are not big parts of our communities as we once were. We are not as intimate with a large amount of people and our circle of trust grows ever smaller. However, this rationale may only apply to the 'common man' as the more well off and famous are very likely to have volunteers to collect and categorize the person's written documentation. These documents may be less revealing than the past and certainly may not always be the most truthful or unbiased, but these documents should help to flesh in a picture that we would not have had without them.

7. What is the relationship between written records and oral history?: I think the easiest way to discuss these two topic is to start by saying that by themselves they are useful and I do not want to suggest that alone they are not useful documents with which to discuss and research a topic- but only together does the most complete picture of that slice of history able to be discovered. Memory is a fragile substance and when someone tries very hard to be the most accurate because there will be no written record, memory appears to be the most valuable and 'solid'. But without that intense effort memory is a fluid object that can change based on perceptions of the event, passage of time, etc... Oral history can give us insight into new ways to determine written documents as well as a way of verification. When there are discrepancies, that can help open the mind to ideas of new research.

8. What is the greatest advantage of oral history over written records? What are some of the drawbacks of oral history?: The greatest advantage of oral history is that the historian gets to participate so the historian can actively ask for what information they want. Everyone wants to know if Richard III 'did it', but we can't actually ask can we? :) So if the researcher take the time to look into the desired subject, the interview can be filled with questions that potentially bring forth greater meaning and understanding into the subject matter. Sort of an efficient way of getting to the knowledge that you seek! Having questions that have been thought of and determined as useful can have some biases but can also preserve information that would otherwise have been lost... and may very well be useful to future historians. Oral history sometimes is a way to preserve stories and history that would otherwise be lost entirely as some cultures are biases against actively recording your own history. Oral history is also biased in its openness- you do not have to be rich and famous to apply and so it can provide an every-man’s perspective. It can also explain the 'why' behind a person's actions whereas sometimes written documentation is very much caught up in the 'how'. Also, oral history with several slightly different tellings of the same event can also give us clarity into the situation - some constants throughout the stories will make parts of the tale clear. However, some drawbacks are that written documentation for the 'everyman' will probably be lacking- it is important to remember that oral and written history compliment each other. Oral history is also dependent on memory which can have flaws and can be colored by perspective and bias. That said, almost all historical sources have flaws and so knowing the flaws allows us to use the source to its best advantage and your the most valuable use.

9. What is the importance of research in oral history?: Oral history is a great form of documentation, but it needs to be used if at all possible as a complimentary form of documentation. No form of history can be truly accurate if there is nothing to compare it too... what I mean is there is no way to show how accurate it is. So all history should be validated through other sources and oral history is not immune from this rule. Oral history is also very likely to have 'gaps' of information that can be filled in with written documents and other sources. Research before the oral interview is extremely important as well, because it helps you to know what you need to ask; i.e. what answers you already have, what is missing, what is not clearly understood, etc... Otherwise you can have a interview that is full of already know facts and to find to more... you have to do another interview. A little bit of a waste of everyone's time really.

10. What is meant by the phrase “historical significance”?
Why is it important?: Historical significance basically means that there is an meaning or message to the information that is important to that time in history. So you need to ask yourself some questions about a topic to decide if it has historical significance... such as was this information important at the time and does it continue to be important today? How was this information used at the time and changed or not changed over the following years and generations. Did this facts/actions change things that followed in time and place. The term 'historical significance' also is a term in which what information is important depends on what the questions are that are being asked and how the questions and the answerer 'fit' into their cultural, political, local landscape,etc...!

11. What questions/issues should you consider as you decide what topic to research?: One important question (to me) is what topic would I find myself interested in pursuing... or would really find fascinating? No matter how important and needful the information is, if the historian has no real interest or enthusiasm for collecting the information it can effect the results in ways that may not easily be seen or detected. Another question I should ask is how will my interview contribute to the knowledge and information already known- or what will my work be adding to the already collected data.

Hope you enjoyed this!

2010/09/06

History, It's Importance, and Memory

This is just some homework that I did for my Local History Class, but I really liked the information I needed to get together for it and thought it was useful!

What is the Importance of Memory in History?:

Memory is so important to us as conscious beings for so many of the things we do in life as well as for developing an accurate or inaccurate impression of historical events. In our daily lives, we make decisions based on our past experiences- what to cook, read, and even the classes we picked to take this semester in school are based on our past experiences and what memories we have – “I have managed to complete four courses with my family situation with decent grades, I needed certain courses... which ones could I pick that I would like and find fun.... and here I am.”

Memory when recording history is important because it gives history a flow and an emotional meaning and knowledge that you just can not get from most basic historical documents. A piece of paper placed on the President's desk stating that unemployment rates are over fifty percent (like the Great Depression) will express facts- it is up to your brain to attempt to figure out what the facts mean...emotionally, physically, etc... Interviewing the people who lived through the Great Depression, how they managed to survive and what life was like to live in that time gives you a real picture of that time. The little things that the macro- documents might not think to tell you. /An example of that would be a story that my best friend told me. She was in her early teens during the Great Depression living on a farm in Maine. If someone came to the door and asked for food, her parents would give it to them no questions asked. One day when Sarah was alone a man came and tried to break into the house. He threatened her and her dog had to chase the man away. People didn't come to the door for food after that and she found out later that a pole by the road near their home had been marked with a special mark that warned people not to go there as they weren't friendly. She always felt bad about that because they were willing to give away food- that guy had just gone too far. The idea that 'tramps' or other transients marked the poles is something I would never have thought to look for and most documentation about the GD would not have listed it/

What are the Drawbacks of Memory?


That said, memory can also be a hindrance to the historian... or should be taken with a grain of salt without other corroborating evidence. Memory is faulty and is based upon our perceptions, biases viewpoints and even our biology. Unlike the Harry Potter books, memory is rarely so detailed and specific unless there was a large stressor involved... and the stressor itself is bound to change our perceptions of what is happening. Some things that can change memory are embarrassment, time lapsed between the events, emotional undercurrents, lack of understanding due to poor communication, age etc... So memory can help fill in gaps between documents and what is known, but it can also confuse the issue with irrelevant information. /An interesting study that was released a few years ago did a study of memory by interviewing thousands of people the day after the OJ Simpson trial verdict. They asked them where they were and what they had been doing when they heard the verdict and then a few years later asked them the same questions. Almost half had a completely different memory than the one they had given before and many were very insistent that their current memory was correct and the researches were probably wrong!/

What is the Importance of the Nearby Past?

Nearby history is important for two reasons. The first is that it affects us on a daily basis. What happens in the homes of my community affects me as surely as what happens in mine. And these dynamics will continue to change the experience of the individuals living around me (and me as well) and will affect our decisions which in turn, will affect the history of the community. Nearby history is also important because as I mentioned above, it really helps flesh out the macro image of a historical event and gives the larger picture more nuance, and more accuracy. And history can play a huge role in a person's life and current situation. A person who had bad parents may chose to not have children, or to have children but do counseling and classes to attempt to change patterns in their life, or may chose to do nothing and hope for the best. We are the living embodiment of our history which affects the way we think and what decisions we make. Even the large picture of history is something that affects all of us; climate change, GMO's, war, recession, etc... It may affect us in very different ways – some may choose to volunteer to non-profits in war zones while some may chose smaller ways to contribute such as recycling and trying to reuse items longer before replacing them- but these issues do affect us all.

What Role does History Play in our Lives Today?


By understanding our past, we are better able to understand our future. When we understand what motivated our parents, we understand better why they make the decisions they do. When we understand what motivates us, we can understand better how to accomplish our goals. And understanding what motivates others or why they make the decisions that they do helps us to accomplish our goals because we will be more successful in convincing others to help (or at least not hinder!) We evaluate our history when we teach our children and if we didn't like the way our parents did something, then we try to change it. When we see the struggles that others have made for advancement (ex. civil rights), we feel motivated and capable to continue the struggle which becomes our personal history and a piece of the larger framework. And some groups are defined by our history -whether we are aware of our history or not. As a practicing Mormon, I have found that many people in my church know very little of church history and find themselves shocked by non-members who know more about our history than they do and as a member we are judged- for good or ill- by what people perceive of that history. I am sure that other groups-religious or otherwise- have the same problem. Being ignorant of your history doesn't change it or how it might affect you and your current lifestyle, family, etc...

2010/07/17

Yearning.....




The hole that Sarah Drew has left in my life has not been filled. Sometimes I wonder if it ever will. There are days where her face or voice flits briefly into my head, but before I can feel sad, it is gone. There are days like today where I seem to feel only her absence. It feels almost like I have been surrounded by space all day- a space that is constantly yearning for and missing her. I do not think that I have ever had a friend in my entire life who was so devoted, so caring, and just seemed to like me in every sense of the word. I still have two wonderful, beautiful and perfect friends with me, but in some sense, life has lost its savor since she passed on.

Bug misses her too. Trying to explain why he cannot see Gram Sarah now is hard and I am not sure that I have succeeded. I know I haven't succeeded in explaining how the afterlife -or the birth we call 'death' as one apostle put it- works. Part of that is that on some aspects I am not sure that I understand it myself. My religion is pretty clear about the idea that families that are sealed together in the temple can be together after the death of the family members. But it is a little vague on friends. When I die, will I be met by treasured friends? What about my friends who I feel are (in some ways) closer than family? Sarah is the only grandmother my son has ever known that has given him unconditional love, yet not a drop of her blood flows through his veins. Does the circumstances of her birth and my son's leave him in the hereafter without a family member that has meant so much to him... to me? And on a different note, does the circumstances of my birth leave me stuck with biological family that sometimes find it easier to cause pain in others rather than give love and acceptance?

These are all questions that I think I need to leave for Heavenly Father to answer in his own time. It is so hard to not know the answers right now, however. I think it is a sign of my struggling faith that I want a definitive answer NOW! I want to know that things will happen the way I want them to... clearly I am not interested in even attempting a 'thy will be done' in this situation. I want to know that I will spend time with Sarah again. That we will walk together and sit together and laugh and just enjoy each others company.

I need more faith. I need to remember her for all of her generosities, laughing, loyalty, and love. I need to remember that her love and confidence in me have helped me grow in so many ways. I am a better person for knowing her.

2010/04/29

To Live For Today.....


“Even you are not rich enough to buy back your past... No man is." - An Ideal Husband

Today I feel caught in the past. The memories of my past. The thoughts and fears and dreams of my past. I am finding it hard to live in my life today because my mind is running through the scripts of my past days in such quantity and with such speed. There is so much that I regret, so much that I need to acknowledge and atone for and so much that I have been castigated and thrown over the coals for that I never did. A part of me thinks that it should be a wash and I should have a blank slate like a newborn child.... but I would never want to go back to my childhood and I would not relish losing much of the knowledge that I have gained. Even the knowledge that I have gained from having my feet pressed firmly on the hot firebricks is valuable and useful knowledge and the pain of gaining that knowledge doesn't outweigh the benefits of its possession.

So... I can continue to waste this day and allow my mind and my heart to fall into the dark depressive ruminative state that accompanies sorrow and self pity... or I can sit up and shout “I'm here! I'm good! I'm trying!” I can hold my head up high with my shoulder straight and remember that I am a daughter of God, that he cares and loves me, and that he paid the price so that I can screw up and not have to beat myself whether physically or mentally. I do not have to become a self flagellant. I can remember that this day is the only day like it I will have.... and I can live for today. I can hug my child, kiss my husband and tell all my friends and family that I love them and make today a special day to look back upon instead of having mostly uncomfortable memories. I can break my life down into short pieces so that I can find more success and feel more hopeful and maybe even... joy. And my world will be better for this... and so will my life!