Too Much Dreaming

Some days are just really really tough. Even when things go right if you sleep really really poorly then nothing really works out very well. Last night I had horrible dreams. Sometimes I'm able to forget that I have PTSD and then I'll go to sleep and I wake up a few hours shaking and sweating and unable to actually recognize that I'm in my own bed and everything is safe. It's a really, really weird thing. I have dreams of policemen coming into my bedroom when I'm sleeping and dreams of my mother sitting on me and folding me into the living room floor in front of friends. I have so many dreams of different things that have happened that really seem to stick and even when I think I forgotten them they seem to come to back to life at night. I keep trying different medications to forget that they are there and yet they still just seem to come. Sometimes I'll go a whole week without one and I can actually forget for a moment that I have them and then I go to sleep and they're back.

All you can do is force yourself to wake up and take the several seconds needed to realize where I am and then try to calm down and remember that everything is okay now even if it wasn't okay then. I've had family members say that I shouldn't talk about this becasue what happened in the past is a personal family matter and you don't share these things with other people even if it is on an anonymous blog where most readers do not know who you are. However, I've never found that anything is successfully solved without talking about it and acknowledging the problem. That's one of the things that I watch people do at church in the past where it's just easier to tell people that have problems to ignore them or pray them away instead of listening to what their actual problems are and trying to help them solve them. Sometimes whatever is easier is not what's right and sometimes the only way to deal with something... no matter how messy and awful and painful it is... is to really talk about it, chew on it, take the time to really remember it for what it is and then try to put it behind you. The more you push something down and try to pretend its not there the more it grows and festers and poisons your soul.

I would truly love to forget so much of what is in my head and I am sort of bothered that I seem to forget so many things that are useful and I can't seem to forget the past. My doctor told me once that PTSD is not a person who is unable to forget the past... It is really that the past along with the experience and emotions of that past will not let go of the person in the present. I will admit that no matter how hard I try to forget things some of them just will not go away ... and they may not show up in my everyday mornings, but they will show up in the night when it's dark and quiet and I feel peaceful and relaxed... and then I'm blindsided by them. I sometimes wish they would go away and sometimes I'm scared of what will happen when they do because I wonder what else worse will come out of my mind.

I wonder sometimes if it is easier to have the same few dreams over and over because at least when I wake up I'm now in the habit of trying to shake them off and trying to calm down. It's sometimes throws me for a loop when I see and hear something old but feels 'new' and I wake up and I can't forget and it seems to take an eternity for me to realize that I am in bed and I am okay. I guess that's one reason that I love cats. If you wake up and you're scared and you're shaking, there's always somebody who's going to come over and ask to be petted and will rub against you to let you know that they are there. I feel quite comfortable embracing my 'old cat lady' persona because they do give me so much joy.

I was reading a book yesterday and one of the characters told Hamish Macbeth that he clearly didn't want to find love. Elspeth felt that what he really wanted was only companionship and if he only wanted to be alone and stuck with a dog and cat for his whole life then that was his choice. At that point, Hamish was really offended and stomped off in a huff... As I read that paragraph, I will admit that I am okay with that for the rest of my life. I think I am more than happy to take companionship over any kind of expressive love with someone else just to have my own place... to be able to feel peace and to have a place of my own that is quiet and safe. I know some would see that relationships of companionship are lesser, but on nights when I wake up and I'm shaking and I'm cold and I'm scared and I'm sweaty and I have no idea what to do I realized I'm also grateful for being alone because I don't have to share this with anybody else anymore. My ex and my son sleep and they hear nothing because they are no longer here. For that I am sometimes intensely grateful.

The Hamish Macbeth Mystery Series (in order)

I am a pretty rabid fan of the two mystery series developed by M.C. Beaton aka Marion Chesney aka Marion Gibbons. This series features the unambitious and highly intuitive/observant character called Hamish Macbeth who lives in the small village of Lockduhb . If you haven't ever heard of this series before and you like mysteries, take some time to explore it as it is a fun explore! Here are the books in chronological order for the new reader. Also for fun, these characters have been turned into a TV series with three seasons so you can explore the characters in another format... the books are the best though!




Death of a Gossip (1985)
Death of a Cad (1987)
Death of an Outsider (1988)
Death of a Perfect Wife (1989)
Death of a Hussy (1990)
Death of a Snob (1992 )
Death of a Prankster (1992)
Death of a Glutton (1993) Also published under the title "Death of a Greedy Woman"
Death of a Travelling Man (1993)
Death of a Charming Man (1994)
Death of a Nag (1995)
Death of a Macho Man (1996)
Death of a Dentist (1997)
Death of a Scriptwriter (1998)
Death of an Addict (1999)
A Highland Christmas (1999)
Death of a Dustman (2001)
Death of a Celebrity (2002)
Death of a Village (2003)
Death of a Poison Pen (2004)
Death of a Bore (2005)
Death of a Dreamer (2006)
Death of a Maid (2007)
Death of a Gentle Lady (2008)
Death of a Witch (2009)
Death of a Valentine (2010)
Death of a Chimney Sweep (2011) Also published under the title "Death of a Sweep"
Death of a Kingfisher (2012)
Death of Yesterday (2013)
Death of a Policeman (2014)
Death of a Liar (2015)
Knock, Knock, You’re Dead (2016)
Death of a Nurse (2016)
Death of a Ghost (2017)

If you are exploring this series for the first time, please let me know how you liked it :)




pictures from: http://www.mcbeaton.com/us/author/, http://www.mcbeaton.com/us/books/hamish_macbeth_mysteries/death_of_a_ghost/

Good Thoughts

I've been struggling a bit for the last few days. I have stopped taking some of my abdominal medications and it is pretty amazing to me exactly how much the meds were helping. I had managed to take them for so long that I didn't really remember how much abdominal pain and nausea I tended to live with and now it is back... and wow, I don't like it much. That said I have so much good going on right now so I thought I would count some of my blessings so to speak. :)

1. It's school vacation and I am caught up in all my classes with all of them graded except for one; I got all A's and B's so I can't whine about that. One of the classes was a math class and it is the first time in my life that I have passed an Algebra class! For full disclosure, I had lots of help. I was tutored, used three different texts from outside of class as well as a Teaching Company/ Great Courses class and three smartphone algebra game apps. Not to mention friends and sometimes spending as much as two hours on one question. But I passed- one more math class and my degree will pretty much be mine- all my requirements will be completed. I'm getting there!

2. I am doing pretty well with not biting my nails. I've tried to stop a few times in my life and I am at the crucial point where the nails are long enough they are starting to break. This is where I usually break down and start biting them, but I have been doing well and trying to cut and file them instead.


3. I have a wonderful household of animal companions that keep me company, give me love and affection and even make me laugh. While I probably have too many, like children... I don't know who I would live without if I needed too. So, like family, they stay and I wouldn't have it any other way.

4. I have a fun home and I am warm in this pretty cold and icy weather. I have a few close friends that I adore and who genuinely care for me and while work is a challenge, I have a few co-workers that I really love and can't imagine my life without which is an amazing blessing as well. I have food and water... and even a little ice cream. :D

5. I spend a great deal of my free time with Bug or in service to others which is a gift and helps keep me busy as well.

6. Even though I do have some health complaints, I am doing pretty well. I wish that taking care of myself was easier, but it could be much worse and having a safe place with companions to recover in means the world.

7. I was recently able to visit with some family and that is a gift that I cherish everyday.

8. I live in Maine- it is so beautiful here. I love being rural and being able to have a little space of my own. Being able to not feel super crowded is precious.

9. I love reading and currently have many new books to choose from. I am taking advantage of my vacation to do some fun reading and I have pretty much finished every Nero Wolfe book I got! On to Hamish Macbeth!

10. Who can't smile with silly ferrets around :)

What do you have to be grateful for today?