Forced Rest

I'm a bit tired and wrung out today... a bone deep exhaustion that I am struggling to deal with. I need to rest this weekend so that I have the strength to work all next week and even the thought of moving my body right now seems so painful that I have been sitting and reading or watching films for the majority of the afternoon... except when I have napped. I worry that I am letting my friends and my co-workers down with my inability to continue to push myself in ways that I could in the past, but am unable to do now for long periods of time. I feel like I'm letting myself down too. This problem is something that I think I am going to learn to accept

it and stop being so hard on myself for it. I am trying to look at the positive side of the health problem; I have been able to take the time to read and watch some movies which I rarely have taken time to do in years. Some of the films that I have watched recently I have held onto for years to watch when I had the time. I am slowly winnowing through those piles of films including the massive collection that my Uncle Rick gave me years ago in a large stack. Because of that gift, I am enjoying films that I would never have gone out of my way to see if he hadn't given them to me. (Don't get me wrong- there are some serious duds in the collection, but I have found a few gems. And this package used to be full to the top... it was an amazing gift.)

So today and tomorrow I will rest and see what energy I can pull up out of the recesses of my muscles for the week and what will be will be. I am grateful for the day of rest that I have and a day to spend with family.

A Nativity Metaphor

One of the things that I love about Christmas time is the varied opportunities to set up nativity scenes with my Bug. He has loved them since he was less than a year old and with fascination would reach towards the animals until one was handed to him. At this point in my life I have three incomplete sets of nativity pieces that with much laughter and smiles are carefully set up next to each other. Every year, the different pieces end up moving around the room as Joseph may be dragged off by a cat or Bug's service dog may casually pick one up when we are not looking and chew it to bits... or they even move when we use the pieces to recreate stories. These stories can be the birth of Christ as told in the Gospel of Luke or can become as varied as the barn scene in "The Last Battle" by C.S. Lewis. Sometimes, we just play farm and feed and tend to the animals that come with these nativity sets- always cows and sheep, but sometimes donkeys, horses, and even camels. Over the years I have worked pretty hard to make sure that my son understands that the nativity story with the animals is a tradition and is fun, but is very much not what the scriptures describe the events of the birth of Christ to be. The nativity tradition, while beautiful and fun, is not scriptural and in some ways seems to take away from the importance and the struggle of the event itself that we Christians celebrate - the birth of our Savior.

This year after Thanksgiving, I happily brought out the nativity sets for setting up. As usual, Bug and I sat down and placed them in the places we wanted. We added real hay and shavings to one of the stables and it always feels wonderful to sit back and look at the different groups. The sets are quite easy to tell apart as one is a Fisher Price plastic set, a hand carved wood set and a paper mache set that was hand painted for me by the young women of my branch a few years ago. I noticed this year that as the pieces began to be moved and scattered around the house, my son clearly had a very different image in his mind as he put them back and by the time that Christmas Day arrived, I had a very different nativity scene to view. So at a terribly early hour of the morning, while everyone else opened presents, I found my eyes and my thoughts drawn back towards the nativity scene in front of me. What I saw was three small smiling babies in the center of a large group which was then surrounded by animals and then the people. In some ways it looked a bit like how I feel about the sun.... the edges are easily seen but looking at the center is too bright, too hard.... too much. After the required present opening and fun, I chatted with Bug about the nativity and some of the same things that I saw as I looked down were emotions and ideas that he had been trying in a small way to suggest. Here are our thoughts:

1. How people picture the Savior can vary greatly on their perspective. His race, skin color, culture, facial expressions, etc... are things that are developed created by each of us and our religious culture. While every single person may see the Savior, his life, and his commandments differently, for those who celebrate his birth and life, we tend to see him as the center of our heart- the nucleus of our living soul. This is where Jesus Christ should be - in our minds and hearts, our thoughts and hopes. In essence, he should be our center and our life should revolve around him and our relationship with him.

2. The animals were set around him as a protection. Animals are pure and live the lives that they have been set to lead on this earth. They are here to live, to teach us, to sometimes feed us and to help us to recognize the divine all around us. As such, most animals will likely recognize the Christ in the flesh before we human beings shall and as each creature recognizes its spiritual heart, they will surround him in joy and protect him from harm.

3. People are on the outside of the circle as we are frail, easily distracted and of skewed perspectives. When we look at pictures of Christ with his mother and images that celebrate his birth, for many the joy is in the rest of the image behind the holy child... the cow in the next stall, the sheep standing next to a shepherd, the donkey tied up nearby. When we perform the nativity story in plays, each of the actors in the nativity are likely to play their character to the hilt and in most traditional nativities, they are more animals than people. So the majority of the action comes from the animals as well as the majority of the space taken up. As I discovered to my cost last year, telling a friend that having animals in a Nativity scene isn't scriptural can seriously get you gossiped and talked about even when the comment was mentioned in a closed door, private meeting. I was really surprised at how offended someone could get over the idea that Christ wasn't surrounded from his first earthly breath with joyous, happy livestock crowding in toward the manger for a better look. As Bug told me, "We see what we want to see, animals see what is there."

I look back a week later on this experience and find myself pretty pleased and tearful. I am grateful for an amazing and thoughtful child who is kind and empathetic and good-hearted. I am grateful that even with some of his learning challenges, Bug is aware of how to live a good life and is able to understand many human frailties and stumbling blocks. He also seems to understand where the Savior should be in our lives... in our hearts, the focus.... the center of our being. This is a Christmas gift I will never forget and always be grateful for. Tomorrow, my son will be 14 years old. I look forward to celebrating his birthday with him and eating cake. I am thankful for the gifts he has given me... especially these thoughts. Love you Bug. :)

Blessings....

As I was sitting this evening and thinking upon my challenges that seem to fill my thoughts lately, I decided to think of some blessings that I have instead. I suspect that I should have been able to think of many, many more than I did... but I'll share the ones that really stuck with me tonight.

1. I have the most wonderful son. There is so much I want for him and while I do not see him as much as often as I would like, but I can think about him and pray for him as often as I would like and that is a wonderful blessing too. :)

2. I received a wonderful blessing last Wednesday. That blessing and the words that I received as well as the thoughts were so uplifting-so great- that they have sustained me throughout the hours since. The brother who gave it to me probably can not have a full picture or depth of what he gave me. I am more grateful than I can say.

3. I have good friends... too many to list! Some that are on my mind today are Katey B., Sarah F., Becky K., Darla A., Linda R., and Kim B.. You all know who you are and how much I love you!

4. I have pets and companions ho show caring and appreciation for me... who seem to see my every need and my words as something worthy of note... I won't say that they always fulfill them, in fact, sometimes I think they laugh at me. But the best companion is a honest and loving one. :)




5. I have a job. I can work and earn money and learn and enjoy other people. It's wonderful!

6. I had cash this week for a few emergencies, lunch, a taxi, and medicine – a rare occurrence and a piece of luck that I would never have expected.

7. I can see the world around me- the shapes, people, and even most of the detail. I can see light and the trickle of the rain on the windshield of my car and sitting like fat, dewy tears on the mall blades of grass poking up from the moist ground.

8. I have the ability to chose to fast to try and gain inspiration or healing. Some people fast pretty consistently because they do not have food ...or at least not enough of it. The ability to do so... to chose to do so... and to pray, showing my willingness to sacrifice and my desire for inspiration is a blessing all on its own.

9. I live in a cute place surrounded by deer, squirrels, turkeys, and many other birds and amphibians. The opportunity to it and just watch... to focus on my small presence in this large world is beautiful and something I do not take for granted.





10. I have two unbroken feet- enough said. ;)

11. I can muster up so much courage when I need too... a skill I never knew I possessed early in life and have gained through the years of adversity and growth.

12. My ability to stretch and grow while not breaking is still functional inside me. I can sometimes find myself surprised by how much growth can hurt, but afterward I can feel the peace and stability that comes with the stretching and lengthening. This ability is a gift from Heavenly father that I am constantly reminded of. A conflicting and wonderful gift.

13. The blessing of a brief few moments of the day in which to listen to the silence.

14. For my very breath... as my chest rises and falls I do not tend to think of it and yet it goes on keeping me here and reminding me of my own mortality and the miracle of my existence.

What gifts and blessings are you thankful today? Will you share?

An Unexpected Smile ... :)

So, another thing that I have totally been able to enjoy this winter came to me through a fluke and through the generosity (or laziness, I'm not sure which) of the previous tenant in my cabin. When he left, he didn't take quite a few pieces of furniture with him including a couch and a large barbeque grill – he also left a bobcat head skin too. :/ The couch was removed in pieces with the help of some good friends and placed in my front yard for future removal and I left the barbeque grill sitting outside right next to my porch. I have been concentrating more about getting moved in and settled than I have been worrying about my lawn or outdoor aesthetics.

One thing I have learned from living in the woods over the last decade is that nature doesn’t waste and many animals can adapt to our presence in their space and environment. And so a few weeks after I moved in, I opened the top lid of the barbeque grill to find not only what was left of the bobcat head, but what at first glance looked like the head itself had exploded outward. For the first few seconds, it looked like a brain that had curdled and in the taunt pressure of a sealed container that finally gives up under the insistence of the need for relief... white and cream and fluff and wet. After two quick blinks, I realized that what I was actually seeing was cotton stuffing from the couch I had so callously thrown into the front yard. That cotton batting along with the cat pelt had been shaped into an oval like ball... a warm and snug home. And as I watched, I discovered the occupants.

Within a few seconds, two mice peaked out of their nest (the eye holes in the pelt were their doors. :O ) and after a brief thought, I quickly walked away after shutting the lid. As it was getting cold, I didn’t want the mice to feel like they had to move and find a new place to live. I felt like I had been given an expected gift... one that I knew was there, but I couldn’t focus on too much... a quiet joy that I could hold close to my heart. Over the last month I have checked on them about once a week and have even made them a few small meals. It has been really fun! It's such a blessing to see: two small animals trying to survive in the world and being chased out of the house on the eve of winter. They quickly made plans and decide on a safe new place. And over a few days, they work- each one moving from the grill to the couch and ripping pieces of its stuffing into chunks and then hauling them back to the grill... having to climb up wood walls but also leap to the chimney to actually get back into the grill. Over time, they still seem comfortable and I know longer see the gruesome image that I originally saw when I opened the lid. Bug likes to look in on his visits and the mice look healthy and in good cheer. Sometimes its the small, unexpected things that not only give us a smile, but keep it on our face. And these two small creatures are doing that for me. I see their survival as a talisman against the cold and the darkness that comes this time of year. So, smile. For the Father even watches over the mice in his fields... so he watches over us!

The New Friend

It has been approximately two months since I gained a new housemate...namely a new cat! How she joined my quirky entourage is a funny and frankly lucky story, but it feels sufficient for me to say that I came home from church on a blissful and restful Sabbath afternoon and in less than an hour, my day had changed. An impulsive move and a lot of luck... brought a filthy, scrawny ball of energy that was soon hiding under my bed. And like my other three 'strays', she would hiss lightly when I lifted up the end of the futon. It was a funny image to see four cats in a line- three hissing and then Morianna sitting quietly and realizing that at least in this instance, the same mutual concerns of fear and and the unknown were able to allow a new, unknown cat to merge into my small herd with no fuss or territorial squabbling. In fact, you would think they had never known a time without each other. It was pretty amazing to witness and so I could begin to focus on the immediate needs- a bath was really essential as well as potential worming and flea removal and all that sort of thing.

So the next day, I began. After a trip to the pet store after my shift I began the semi arduous and struggling task of corralling the new member and bathing her. I named her Bellatrix – she reminded me of a character in the Harry Potter series, Bellatrix Lestrange, due to the amount of dirt, frizzy hair and the snarl marring her otherwise beautiful face. With a good friend, I managed to clean her without drowning us both and without a large loss of blood on my end. The amount of hair that came tumbling and shedding off into the tub was an amount significantly large enough that when pressed together, it resembled a small guinea pig. However, within a few days, Ms. Bella was eating, purring and quickly became an irreplaceable part of my household. Taking her cue from Morianna, I would find her waiting near the door when I arrived home or running cheerfully towards it to greet me. Treats given from my hand soon encouraged some good closeness and as her weight became more acceptable her fur began to shine and she began to use her new found energy more productively. (She is still too skinny, but she feels more 'solid' now; when I first picked her up she felt like skin wrapped around bird bones... totally light and easily breakable.) A trip to my favorite vet with shots and wormer and she is as good as 'new'... and she has been rechristened Bella as she no longer reminds me of that dark character in the least. Her clear relief at easy food and safety has really come out as she follows me everywhere and guides even my two most stubborn strays to do the same. Her physical beauty and her deep inner joy began to trickle out and now flood into the home environment and I feel her contentment when I come home. It's just a great experience everyday. Today she is at the veterinarian getting spayed and ready to hopefully have a good long life with me. I will truly miss her tonight.

So, I think its official. I am now a 'crazy old cat lady'. The fact that I also own a hamster only puts an even more interesting spin on the funny stereotype, doesn't it? But I feel content and happy. I love coming home to be greeted by two, maybe three friends and I find a little exasperation, but mostly joy in getting covered in cat hair with beautiful, purring sweeties rubbing on my legs and sitting on my lap and bed when I settle. Reading the scriptures next to a purring cat is wonderful for a few reasons. The soft comforting sound helps clear my mind for reading and real study. While doing this I have found that I focus longer as I am pulled in and I find that I don't want to end the moment. That time of peace and comfort has been getting longer as it has become not just something I have been told to do, but something I look forward to throughout my day. When I get home, I see an exciting and happy time about to open... and not the dark lonely nights that I used to feel. (I won't pretend that those nights are all gone, but they feel fewer and far between.) What a beautiful and wonderful gift! I am very grateful. :)

The Year of the Cat :)

To the reader: One picture is slightly adult and immodest in content. This is your warning. :)

Exactly one year ago, I received a phone call at 6:30 in the morning from a young women in Ellsworth named Jane. Her call was the culmination of six months of advice and was to change my life a little bit more than I expected... because she brought Morianna into my life.

When I lived in Vegas, I used to do a lot of volunteer work for a an animal shelter called the Ark. It was a pretty large shelter and dealt with the majority of strays that were caught in the city limits. I thoroughly enjoyed some of the new skills that I learns and I was soon one of the leaders in training stray cat to become 'smooshable' - a skill that is needed for many people to choose them for a pet. It was a fun place to volunteer, where I saw some awful and sad things, but I also gained great friends, some of the most wonderful companions that I was to know over the last decade or so, and some neat skills that I figured I wouldn't use again after moving to Maine. (I also gained some wonderful rabbits for my grandfather and a few fun hamsters as well.) A few years ago when I had some spare time and my life was beginning its horrible upheaval, the 'local' shelter in Maine started a thrift store in Blue Hill to raise money and I happily joined its volunteer staff. I tagged items, sold them, and tried to help move items quickly to get as much money as I could thinking of the animals that would benefit by my service since the shelter itself was so far away. At one point a woman waked in and told me about some stray cats that lived behind the Riverside cafe and expressed her concern about their future lives and what could be done. I gave her advice on how to catch them- the slow but almost always successful way- and agreed to pick them up and get them to the shelter after she had been successful.

Six months later, I received a call saying she would try the next day and success! She caught a very terrified gray Persian covered with mattes... and eyes the six of dinner plates (maybe about six months old). Twelve hours later, I picked up my trap full with two slightly younger cats of clear mixed heritage... the spitting image of each other in markings though not color. I happily called the local shelter (also called the Ark) and was very distressed to learn a few hard facts. One is that while the Ark in Cherryfield, Maine is a shelter, they are very selective in the animals that they select- only animals that are healthy and appear easily adoptable as accepted with a donation. As I looked through the resources that I had I found that there is no really good funded organization for strays in this state and so the cats only options became clear. I dealt with them or they would be put to sleep. So I realized that all the cats that so many of us as volunteers and as shoppers thought we were supporting were not the lonely hurt strays we imagined. I still love the idea of the Ark and while think it serves a very useful purpose, I think that my energy needs to be more towards the smaller, less known, and less funded organizations that actually help the most needy and vulnerable... the feral population.

That didn't change my current situation however. I now had three stray cats in various stages of ill health and not even a real roof over my head. I needed to deal with the difficulties of introducing Brock to them slowly and trying to find them homes. In the end, one year later I still have all three of them and they have been one of the biggest blessings that I have gotten in the last year. The first thing I did was set all three of them up in a large dog crate. Their great fear of me was very apparent and I started in on some of the small things that I used to do to gain trust or at least less fear. I waited for a breakthrough and the breakthroughs can be slow (and usually are.) Stray cats that are older than a few weeks have usually had a few really bad experiences, bad nutrition as well as difficulties in their gestation and early weeks. All of these difficulties can cause brain damage, birth defects, disease, etc...

One of the youngest cracked in two days. She is a beautiful black and white female and around 1am she began to wail. Her fear, sorrow and confusion were very evident and I jumped out of bed and fought past the other two cats to clutch her in my hand. With the recklessness of past experience and the joy of the blessing, I held her softly against my bare skin (yes, I don't wear much to sleep) and crooned a hymn with some clicking and slow notes. For an hour I prayed and held her singing and talking softly and soon I was able to hold her and get dressed without a

great deal of fear from her. By morning, I could sit against the wall, warm and well dressed with a still slightly scared animal, but one who was open to learning about me. She became Morianna, my great companion, who would jump onto the bed for a few pats and would happily act kitteny one minute and feral the next. Over the last year, I have discovered a few things. Her health, while sound has been severely affected. She will never be a full size cat and may always be trapped in a 'teenage' body... slightly small and thin. She is not the sharpest cookie that I have ever had and her enthusiasm for fun and adventure can cause her great trouble as she makes the same mistakes over and over again, not learning the lesson the first time.... or the tenth time. :) Her relationship with Maximilian Robespierre

(my gerbil) has grown over time as he has consistently lured her over to the cage and then bitten her. Over time, Robespierre has gotten tired of biting her (or maybe he feels sorry for her or understands her mental limitations) because he now longer bites her and so he will stand up on his hind feet and throw shavings at her or use his hind feet to kick them in her face. Over the year, she has finally learned to sit close... but not too close! Her fear is almost gone... not quite gone, but has disappeared for the most part. But a few days ago, I walked into the kitchen and she did something that no cat that have ever been feral has done to me before....

Just awesome! She is not the smoochiest cat I have ever had, but the blessings she has given me have become more obvious over time. Caring for her and her 'siblings' has allowed me to use my underused skills and has given me some feelings of success in the rest of the failure in my life. When things have become too much, knowing that these guys depended on me for their very lives would push and motivate me to continue forward. When I get off of work, I am excited to come home and say hello to every one. Her brothers are moving forward much more slowly. The gray Persian I have named Smoke for his ability to appear to dissolve into thin air. He has a few problems. Smoke is also trapped in a stunned body and will probably always look like a teenager. He is thin but with his thick hair, he hides it well... He has problems with digestion, but boy, his reflexes are awesome. Give him a few empty studs with no walls and he can get up, jump, and climb up them in 3 seconds tops.

Egg (or Enigma) is blessed with the perfect kitty size. He is the right adult size now and holds his weight well. The only obvious problem that he has is his eyesight. It is poor and his eyes are a bit infected.... not much I can do about it as I can't hold him down three times a day to put ointment in them. All three look forward to my return every day and have even started to play with my hands or feet when I am supine and haven't moved for a while. I am hopeful in the next few years I will have three great companions. They are truly the blessing I didn't expect at the time. :)

What blessings have you gotten in the form of trouble or difficulty? Anything as 'purry' as mine...? :D

On Children and Rodents...

I had a fairly neat experience the other day. I forget sometimes that not everyone gets the same experiences that I had in my childhood…. And I will admit many parents would probably find my need and almost obsession for a rodent to play with to be at best, bizarre. So having a hamster or mouse to hold and feed and play with is something that I not only enjoy, but I almost do not feel ok without one. (That’s a little hard to explain and many people will not understand so I apologize… but those who do understand will nod and know exactly what I am talking about.)

My current friend is named Maximilian Robespierre. He was a gift from one of my CPR classes- repeat customers are awesome because they remember the things that you like. :) I have never had a gerbil before and he has been quite a new experience for me. For one thing, he is much quicker than a hamster, but not as quick as a mouse. He also has a personality that is pretty hardy and amazing. He loves people and has never bitten anyone; well, except the cats who have tried in the past to figure out how to remove him from his cage. I never knew whether to laugh or cry when I came home and found a cat crying and whining with a hurt paw or nose… and my small white gerbil looking pleased with a bloody face. It is such a bizarre and yet powerful example that my Robespierre has given me over the last year.

So I’m packing and moving and so it was with slight trepidation that I took my current ‘rodent-in-residence’ and strapped him into the front seat of the car. The trepidation is that rodents easily die if they become too frightened or stressed… and he isn’t really young, ya know… I shouldn’t have worried though. He climbed up to his pink penthouse and just watched out the window the whole drive. I couldn’t ever really tell what he was thinking but he made the trip safe and sound to a friend’s house for a few days visit while I get the apartment set up. She has four children who have never had a pet before so Robespierre was quite popular… wasn’t in the house long at all before they figured out he was there. And so in the evening I had the opportunity to sit down on the floor with all four of them and Robespierre. I could answer questions and watch their reactions to him. Claire, who is two, was a little afraid and very excited. She would move closer and then get close enough to see his nose twitch… and then she would scream! (Lucky, he clearly doesn’t stress easily huh. ;) Finn and Ian would pet him and were clearly excited but also had lots of questions such as why he doesn’t have a ‘kitchen in his cage’… that one was really hard to answer! Alia showed a slight amount of fear, but was willing to pet him and ask some pretty intuitive questions about his eating and grooming habits…

So we sat on the floor all together for about five minutes… letting Robespierre be petting or run around and burrow in my lap or even hop in and out of my pocket. I guess I sort of take the joy and wonder of rodents for granted now. Personalities change and they can all have different hobbies or quirks, but I have never met a rodent that I haven’t liked. It was such a fun experience to be able to introduce a pet and friend of mine to others who clearly saw him with a multitude of emotions including excitement and wonder. My life feels so full of negative stuff right now and to be surrounded by happy children who not only wanted my attention but really wanted to enjoy something that I enjoy as well was absolutely priceless. A true blessing and one that I that I was able to repeat before getting him to the new place yesterday. I wish him and his fan club fun in the future ... :)