Thoughts on the Film: "Forgiving Dr. Mengele"

I originally wrote this review last December. I hope you enjoy. :)

It is dark outside and I still see snow on the ground and feel the wind seeping through the cabin walls around me. There is very little moon outside... and so the only light in the room comes from my computer screen and the reflective views of light from my cat's blinking eyes nearby. I cannot see my face nor anything in the room around me, but I can feel the tears on my face as the moisture in them chills on my cheeks and I see the blurring images on the screen through the tears that are still gathering and pooling in my lower lids. This was a very painful and powerful documentary and I am grateful for the opportunity to learn some of the life, deeds and thoughts of Eva Mozes Kor.... prisoner number #8706 in the Auschwitz concentration camp in Germany during World War II.

Eva Kor was one of a set of twins that survived the Holocaust and Dr. Melange’s twin studies in Auschwitz during WWII. Her sister Miriam survived, but later died from complications with her kidneys from the experiments performed on her in the concentration camps. In an attempt to save her sister's life, Eva not only managed to will herself to live through the experimental treatments in the camp- for if she died her sister would be killed- but she donated a kidney to her sister after the war. She also tried to discover the records kept by Dr. Mengele of his experiments to possible help her sister and other victims. Miriam died in 1993 and Eva's efforts towards finding the documents were not successful, but those efforts helped create a group that brought many of the surviving 'twins' together and also brought her to the doorstep of Dr. Hans Munch.... a former SS doctor who knew Dr. Mengele in the past. Dr Munch has been tried for war crimes, but had also been found not guilty due to the number of people who testified that he saved them from death during the Holocaust. Ms Kor contacted him interviewed him looking for information on the experiment or any memories that he might have that could have helped. Dr Munch discussed his thoughts about Mengele and his experiments ('… did things in a very amateurish way) and his memories of Auschwitz – he still has nightmares about the gas chambers. This experience/ opportunity had a very profound impact on Ms Kor and she decided to go to Auschwitz for the anniversary of the liberation of the prisoners. She also made the unusual request that Dr Munch should also attend with her and her family. He agreed and she read out a statement that Dr Munch wrote stating that he was a witness to the 'gas chambers' and it was important to acknowledge his past as a testimony to the deniers and the revisionists of the Holocaust. After a chance emark from a reporter, she too decided to make a statement later . That statement was that for herself, she was forgiving not only Dr Mengele, but all the Nazi's who killed her family and the millions of others who died in the genocide.

Later, Eva opened up a small Holocaust museum in her town and has spent a lot of time traveling, teaching and talking about her experiences. Her work on forgiving Dr Mengele and the Nazi's who harmed her and her family has been met with different responses. Some of the individual twins that survived and were at Auschwitz when she brought Dr Munch were offended and angry. Others over time have been angry and have had negative responses to her talks and her advocating forgiveness as a way of healing. In November 2003, an arsonist successfully burned down the museum destroying almost all of the memorabilia and exhibits housed inside. One the outside of the building, a message was spray painted on the wall; 'Remember Timmy McVeigh'. (I am not really sure I understand what the arsonist was trying to say with that statement. I do not feel like what Timothy McVeigh was trying to express has anything to do with the Holocaust or its education, but I am pretty ignorant on all of his radical goals so there might be a clear link I haven't recognized.) She has begun rebuilding the museum and continues to travel and teach about the Holocaust and her experiences.

“... to forgive that God of Auschwitz. Me, the little nothing... I might as well forgive everybody.”
“It time to forgive, but not forget. It is time to heal our souls.” - Eva Kor

One thing that I found while listening to Ms Kor was the idea that she thought/thinks of herself as 'nothing' in comparison to Dr Mengele. In the documentary, the doctor was described as an individual who was at the forefront of German science and genetic research. In other research and testimony from survivors, his near obsession with twins and with his job as one of the doctors of Auschwitz camp is mentioned and some suggest that he went out of his way to work and make medical and life/death decisions for prisoners even when he was off duty. To be fair, before the war all of his studies were connected scientifically and for the most part ethically as well toward test subjects. It was only in the concentration camps where the life, death or pain of his subjects no longer mattered and so his studies and research were able to be given more of a full range in regards to his ideas and curiosity. It was here that Eva Kor, her sister, many other sets of twins as well as large populations of Jewish, Roma or other 'undesirable' individuals fell under his 'care' and supervision. In his work and what we know of it, Dr. Mengele tortured and killed hundreds if not more (depending on if you count arrivals to the camp in his numbers) and she is very lucky to have survived at all. To think of him as a 'God' seems so offensive to me and yet, I see it clearly. In his capacity, Dr Mengele had many of the powers that we ascribe to our deities (both good and bad). I can see the image of her- of myself- struggling to recognize that while the power situations are different, the human beings involved are equal... the same.... we are 'one'. To recognize that powerful fact is sometimes a hard and amazing moment. To seize the opportunity that she did within herself is simply breathtaking.

“... the pain of the shots that Mengele did to us...” - Pearl Pufeles

I just got shots in both my shoulders at the beginning of the week. For my internship in a doctor's office next year, I am getting all of my vaccines again as I have no titers to them in my body (long story.) When I am given one shot, I am febrile for a week with on and off migraines, vomiting, dizziness, weakness and shaking. I spend the days ahead downing Tylenol and ibuprofen and praying the symptoms and side effects will pass as quickly as Heavenly Father will allow. The effects are much stronger with two shots and so I found myself this week trying to rationally remind myself that the pain and discomfort will pass and it is short lived. Yet I sit with swollen shoulders and everything else and listening to Eva talk about a shot that her sister was given that eventually killed her and the years of pain and challenges that she struggled with and I listen to Ms. Pufeles and I am finally able to rationally realize how easy my situation is. I know it will pass.... I know it will pass soon.... I can be quite sure I will not have any significant long term problems. To recognize that these victims could not have even these simple assurances- if fact, they could be sure that it probably would cause pain and long term problems- is another window into a world and a reality that I have never had true first hand experience in. To be able to learn, to understand, to develop clarity about the experience of others, the depths of thought and behavior that humanity can dive and to recognize those traits or small flaws in myself... and work on transforming them to something positive and more wholesome is a beautiful gift

“Most of my fellow survivors are so hurting, they do not even have the ability to even understand what I am talking about. And so many of them will die without ever feeling free from that pain” - Eva Kor

“Forgiveness has nothing to do with the perpetrator, has nothing to do with religion- it has only everything to do with the way the victim is empowering him or herself and taking control of their lives” - Eva Kor

When watching and listening to the other survivors and their stories and emotions as they flowed forth, the overwhelming thing I felt was anger. They talked about sorrow and grief, but the tone of anger was interwoven throughout every word and motion they made. In some situations it was so palpable that I felt like I could reach out, touch it and even pick it up and hold it for a closer look. While I feel like sometimes Ms Kor pushes people too quickly to accept her thoughts and she acts defensive, I can see how she must find herself verbally confronted by many people about her choices. Not only does she have to deal with the deniers and the revisionists, but she must also deal with those who feel like she is giving the Nazi's and those who worked with them excuses or justification for their misdeeds. Few people have to deal with the challenges of the process of forgiving others while being criticized for participating and utilizing that process for their own healing. I couldn't figure out how anyone could criticize her and after that was mentioned in class and how her forgiveness was 'controversial', I decided I needed to see this film only to try and understand that. It feels so sad that people who are stuck can feel so much anger about someone working to loosen themselves from the grief and anger. I felt some anger listening to the arguments that forgiving was forgetting and forgiving was accepting and absolving the perpetrators of the crime. I can tell I'm still angry because I want to argue for the defense even as I write this. ;) Watching this has made me even more convinced that the process of reconciliation is so important to the well being of the survivors, the offenders and the communities which surround them both.


“... and not create a catastrophe for the Palestinians... and say what have we done”

I thought it was interesting to watch Eva Kor sit at the table with those working towards peace in Palestine and Israel and hearing her say she didn't want to hear the stories that were being shared. On one hand, she recognizes that stories are important and educate people about situations and yet when it comes to the idea that some groups of Jewish individuals themselves are now being perpetrators of genocidal violence towards Palestinians she is unable and unwilling to listen. I was disappointed and annoyed, but when I continued to think about it I realized how distinctly challenging that must be for anyone in her position. I heard this line and realized that, at least in my opinion, a catastrophe has already been created for the Palestinians and I do not think that at this point, the use of the word genocide is that far off. Here is an opportunity for her and she wasn't able to really use it. I wonder what opportunities I have that I haven't noticed or taken to work towards this horrible problem and ending it successfully. I do not think that I have had any opportunities, but I might not have recognized them when I did. I have decided to write my governor and my representatives to ask for a change of name for Columbus Day and to also ask for a state holiday acknowledging genocides- not sure how to address my thoughts on the latter.

Thank you so much for mentioning this film. I am very glad I watched it and that I have the opportunity to share it with others. I am also happy to learn a little more about Holocaust awareness and how Dr Mengele's experiments affected people long after the war was over.

pictures from: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0489707/, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2lhAU868230, https://www.tumblr.com/search/forgiving%20dr.%20mengele, http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2807743/How-Angel-Death-saved-mother-s-life-creator-world-s-iconic-dress.html, http://gauredevta.blog.com/2014/06/26/dr-mengele-experiments/, http://tmcnews.tendenciapp.com/articles/survivor-of-nazi-experiments-speaks-at-medical-ethics-conference/, https://googlingtheholocaust.wordpress.com/tag/forgiving-dr-mengele/

Reconciliation after Genocide

I believe that the model of reconciliation that was used in the aftermath of the Rwandan genocide could be used in the aftermath for all genocides. Depending of the circumstances within each individual genocide, I think could be easily used with some potential changes if needed. There are a few reasons that come to mind that I would like to share. I think this may be a stream of consciousness post so I apologize in advance.

My first thought is that the idea... the process of reconciliation... is necessary to heal people and communities- period. The idea of 'to reconcile' is not necessarily simply defined. The simple side of the coin is that reconciliation 'restores friendly relations between' or 'cause to coexist in harmony', but we must also acknowledge the other side of the spectrum; 'to cause (a person) to accept or be resigned to something not desired.’ For any process of reconciliation to be successful, both sides of the situation have to be addressed and when we then look at that full spectrum, it becomes clear not only how important it is to accomplish reconciliation, but how difficult it actually will be in practice. One thing that happens with all genocides is that people leave. Victims flee and usually resettle themselves in an area they consider safe whether it's a few towns away or even continents. Physical distance can bring safety and even rebirth... but it also hinders this important process. An important part of reconciliation is communication and being able to try and open things up and create vulnerability for both the victims and perpetrators. The separation of both groups feels to me like a cauterization of a blood vessel; both sides are seared closed and apart which stops bleeding and open difficulty, but leaves the situation on unstable ground... Some may heal, some may become infected and permanently damaged, some will die, but all will have scarring from it. That scaring, permanent damage, or death can affect the families of the individuals as well as their communities in both small and large ways. I feel like many people cannot actually move forward without the communication and natural expression. Reconciliation helps both the survivors and perpetrators to deal with their fear, their mutual guilt (even if the guilt is different), as well as the anger and other emotions that has been closed inside their minds and body systems. From everything I have watched, read, and from the work that I have begun on my project, it seems like this is a crucial step for healing that many people are unable to get or participate in. If that could change for future genocide participants as well as those who are living today, I think that would be a really good step forward for not only those individuals, their families and their communities, but for all of us as a whole. This is not always possible. In the first world, people move more easily to other areas and perpetrators can more easily hide, especially if they have monetary resources. People who have fled tend to put down roots in new areas and do not tend to move back to their original places, especially when their property has been taken. However, I think that open communication with mediation and with the community remaining pretty intact is the best way to facilitate healing between all parties.

I also think that forgiveness is an important aspect of reconciliation that is not often addressed or is misunderstood. Some people believe that if you forgive your perpetrator, you have given them a 'free pass' or that their inappropriate actions no longer matter… i.e., justice is no longer important. Other individuals believe that if they forgive the person that they no longer remember or acknowledge the hurts and so they are stymied. Others are simply too angry and too hurt to be able to see what blessings they still have left; all they can see is their losses and what others (especially the perpetrators) still have. My understanding of forgiveness doesn't relieve the perpetrator or their guilt or crimes nor does it suggest that you totally forget the wrongs done to you. It doesn't require you to put yourself into unsafe situations with a perpetrator nor to focus on the loss and impermanence of the people and positions that we lose. I believe when we work on the process of forgiving, we do not do anything for anyone except for ourselves. We give ourselves permission to let go of the pain, to remember and recognize the past but not let it rule our current life and feelings. In essence, we release ourselves from the burden of the pain, anger, etc... and allows us to be able to feel the positive emotions of love and joy again in our life. Please understand, I recognize that forgiveness is really hard and the longer you wait and the more you feel you need to hold onto the 'bag' of experience, the harder it will be (if not impossible.) The model of reconciliation includes forgiveness in it and I think that is a very important but overlooked aspect that is important for people to be able to be able to really live and not just 'survive'. One last thought on this idea is that many of us find it challenging to forgive ourselves for our mistakes – far more difficult than we find it to forgive others. I think that a perpetrator needs to learn and work to forgive themselves. Denial, repression, shame, anger at oneself or even people who are too narcissistic rarely helps you or anyone around you and I feel like the perpetrator themselves is 'broken' until they are able to complete that process for themselves.

My last thought is that part of reconciliation in my mind is restitution. As many people mentioned in the documentary “As We Forgive” and in so many other resources and testimonies (and from my own personal experiences), service / restitution towards those we have harmed can help with healing and kind feelings for both the survivors and perpetrators. Survivors get a service that is needed and helps them to feel valued and important to the community they live in. Perpetrators get to serve someone they have harmed. Nothing they can do can replace or 'fix' what they have done, but the act of serving someone you have harmed changes the relationship between the two individuals. Over time as service is performed, a more positive relationship and feelings between the individuals are created and are able to grow. It helps people and communities to become more accepting of each other and their history and differences. Restitution brings us to the other side of the spectrum; the idea that something must be accepted that is not desired. For many people, seeing people, being around individuals who have harmed us is difficult. Why do people move away to other areas when they hurt someone? I suspect that it allows them to 'redefine' themselves and to 'start over'. Why do victims move away from the area of abuse or genocide? Some of the same ideas apply. However, I really feel that the model that Rwanda has given us is so valuable because it encompasses all three vital ideas of communication, restitution, and forgiveness that enables both individuals and groups to work together to recover and rebuild themselves, their families and their communities.

What do you think? Do you have a personal experience that you are willing to share?

pictures from: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/As_We_Forgive, http://www.catholicnewsagency.com/blog/radical-mercy-in-the-heart-of-rwanda/

Thoughts on Courage- Sacrament talk 7/13/14

So, I gave a talk in Sacrament meeting this morning. For those of you who were unable to attend this morning and are interested this is a basic outline of the talk. Have a wonderful Sabbath day. :)

Good morning, Brothers and Sisters. I am not up here very often so I ask that you please bear with me as I struggle to find a way to articulate the ideas that I feel impressed to share today. When I was asked a few weeks ago to speak and was given a topic, I felt many things but my most overwhelming feeling was sadness. I do not feel that I have a good understanding of the topic nor do I believe it is an attribute that I have much of. After prayer and much reflection, I feel a little more able to discuss some aspects of it. As such, I wish to take a few moments of your time to speak about courage.

Courage is defined as the ability and willingness to do something that frightens you. All of us at some point in our lives have had to figuratively reach into the recesses of our soul to find the motivation and strength to confront or act in ways that we perceive and feel inspired are right and just... but are not easy choices and may come with consequences that are not always positive and joyful. It is this quality of heart and mind that may enable us to do the 'hard' things in the face of intimidation, fear and even physical pain and death. One thing that I feel like I have discovered in my reflections on courage is that, at least for me, it is easier to see and recognize courage in other people. The scriptures and history books are fairly riddled with individuals that we describe as courageous and we look up to for their actions... some of which have given a voice and freedoms as well as rights to all of us that we sometimes take for granted and do not always recognize often the pure blessings that we have been given and the pain, sweat and tears that have been sacrificed by others so that we may have fewer obstacles and challenges in our daily lives. To be frank, courage is sometimes being scared to death.... but doing the right thing anyway.

However, it feels important to take some time to recognize courage in its less celebrated and recognized forms... because to do so helps us to see and cherish it in ourselves and others. Brothers and Sisters, please take this opportunity to not only look inward but to look around you and you will not be able to ignore the clear but unspoken signs of courage around you. For some of our members, it takes significant and unmistakeable courage to accept a calling that they fear, to attend church or other social functions. For some of our friends and family, it may take all the hope and strength they possess to do what many of us consider a simple task- the ability to get out of bed in the morning.... the will to eat... the struggle to get through daily tasks that may sometimes appear insurmountable. For many people, courage is not just a byword or a famous name, but an unnamed part of their daily struggle. Lucius Seneca once wrote “Sometimes even to live is an act of courage.” Lauren Raffio is also quoted as saying “ Sometimes the biggest act of courage is a small one.” I know that I have felt so blessed and have gained strength for myself in my struggles as I have watched the courage of other members and tried to help them in their trials. I remember a talk in general conference a year or so back that discussed how trials are not always meant for the individual but for those around them... to help the community and the family of the afflicted to gain strength, understanding and more love. It comes to mind that we can only gain these things... the knowledge needed for more understanding, the ability to love more, and to find the power and motivation to gain strength if we are willing to use courage and to step into a situation and a pain that frightens us. Only by opening ourselves up can we gain these great blessings.

C.S. Lewis once wrote “Courage is not simply one of the virtues but the form of every virtue at the testing point which means at the point of highest reality.” When we look at courage through this lens, we can more easily recognize its presence in our hearts, our minds and in many of the choices we make. So it is important to stop and recognize why Heavenly Father has given his children the ability of courage to begin with. When human beings are presented with a different perspective, we usually initially react with either fear or love. These two powerful emotions are contradictory to each other and fear is part of our human experience...a trial that courage can help us to deal with.

2 Timothy 1:7 reads – For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

I believe that we have been given the ability of courage to help each and everyone of us to struggle forward against the strong forces of fear that are invasive in our lives. One way to remove fear from our lives is given to us in....

1 John 4:18 – There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear.

To increase the amount of compassion and love we have for ourselves and others also takes courage as well as hard work. We can not increase our courage or love without actively working to do so. Prayer, introspection, study... all are needed for this difficult task. For those who believe that love and empathy towards others is a form of weakness I would ask you to please take a moment to examine that idea. Yes, allowing yourself to love leaves you more vulnerable to pain, uncertainty and despair. However, to have true love and compassion in this world of cruelty, judgment and fear... a person is also showing courage. And by doing so, we also open ourselves up for higher amounts of joy and happiness in our lives. Brothers and Sisters, weakness is not a sin no matter how often we tell ourselves it is. In an epistle to the Corinthians (2 Corinthians 12:10) Paul writes: “Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ’s sake: for when I am weak, then I am strong.”

Which brings us back to the idea that courage is a virtue to be found at every testing point and it becomes easier to see how necessary it is in our lives. So knowing and understanding how important the virtue of courage is.... understanding that it actually makes all the other virtues possible... how can we help ourselves develop this virtue and become a more courageous person? And how can we help others to grow and do the same? From the scriptures I read, it seems clear that love is a big part of how we develop and use courage. Another scripture:

Psalm 31:24 says– 'Be of good courage, and he shall strengthen your heart, all ye that hope in the Lord.'

When I read this scripture I felt like what it was saying that another way to develop courage is to develop our faith and on this foundation, we are able to release the grip on some of the fear that binds to our minds. Another way to develop faith as a foundation for courage is to strengthen our spirits... to do things that allow you to keep the Holy Ghost with you consistently and to feel his presence and the sense of peace he brings. It is hard for fear to bind to your mind when the holy spirit is cradling your soul to him feeding it peace and assurance. It is hard for fear to grab any hold on us for long periods of time when we are consistently acting against it.

Another thing that we can do is to truly look into our hearts and acknowledge where we are weak and fearful. I am not suggesting that anyone takes the time to sit and mentally berate themselves for their weaknesses or their infirmities. For anyone to understand where they are weak, they must also take the opportunity to recognize the areas that they are strong. So please, take the opportunity when being introspective to think positively and recognize you and what you are in its whole spectrum of being. And where you discover things that you want to change or recognize are weaknesses, start the process of trying to change it. Because when it comes to changing fear, there is only one surefire way that I know to truly get past it and extinguish it. When it comes to fear, the only way out is to go through it- to force yourself to face what you are afraid of. The more you do it, the more your mind and body lower the fear response until it becomes a barely recognizable murmur in the background... easily ignored. Practice courageous acts! Pray for the strength and courage to make those small steps forward.

Brothers and Sisters, I want to apologize. I have had several times in the past that I have struggled with compassion for some of you. I still struggle with anger for past hurts and injustices that I feel keenly in my heart. I can testify to you that what has helped the most in my healing process is to pray to know better those who I feel have not understood me and to do things that are really hard and frighten me. It I am going to be honest though.... I think most everything frightens me. :) I tend to worry that since I am imperfect I will cause harm and pain to others and that fear can sometime make it hard to do most anything with others. I am very grateful for your understanding and compassion towards me even with my faults and my many, many mistakes. If I have offended or hurt any of you, I beg for your forgiveness. I feel so sad at the idea that any of you might struggle with pain that I have caused. I hope that as we go to our meetings today and as we leave to continue the daily grind so to speak.... Well, I hope that each of you will take a moment to recognize the good and strong spirit that you have, to take the opportunity to look inward and recognize the things in your life and about yourself that you fear.... and to make your first steps towards using your courage to confront and change them. If you need help, ask! Our leaders are able to help us and to get inspiration on your behalf. Listen and pray as much as you need to. And when the fear gets to be too much, recognize it, rest and gain the strength and courage to fight it some more. I pray that we can all do better. And I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

2014 Poetry Corner # 10 : "A Wish and Wonderment on Souls"

I've heard about her early years
in whispers, deflection and silence
The last to join her family unit
God's gift to those around her
in an environment of pain and loss and death
She brought life and love and need

I knew her when she was young
full of energy, bright, happy and yet
Social cues unexplored and anger palpable
just below the surface of her skin
her speech garbled, quick and unfathomable
except to her mothers and brothers

I've watched her grow into her frame
now tall, beautiful and voluptuous
her voice, clear and kind... a smile on her lips
a few close friends by her side
her soul and thoughts much better hidden
the pain lessening and more easily concealed

I wish that we could still be close
I wish that I could see through her eyes
Back into the recesses of her mind
Her loves and joys and pain and fears
to know her more and how to help
to feel her in my life

While she is close, she is still far
in both her mind and spirit
circumstances and misunderstanding
widen the fog and gulf around us.
Two electrons around a powerful nucleus
unable to do more than look and travel past

I can keep trying, to pray, to hope
but I must also recognize
that maybe things cannot be mended
during our short sojourn of life
I wonder if she thinks the same

Will we know each other and still smile
as I grow old and gray
As she holds children, a spouse, a job
my life closing off, slowing down

I pray that we will find a way
to see, understand and love
To find the closeness that we once had
with new love and joy entwined
If nothing else, if my hopes are dashed...
I will always remember her spirit :)

A Gift Recognized...

Holding onto anger is like grasping hot coal, you are the one getting burned - Buddha

The growth in both spirit and emotional strength that I have accomplished in the last few years has been pretty astonishing to me. I sometimes look back at the hurt and angry person that I was and I feel so much sorrow for her and I long to tell my past self that all will improve and truly will be for her good. I have not exited the furnace of my crucible, but I am closer to the cooler air and to peace and for that I am very grateful.

One thing that I felt intensely that I need to share and must be willing to express is my gratitude that I have been able to let so much of the anger go. I will not pretend it is all gone nor will I feign that I don't still feel a decent sized mass of it writhing around the halls of my soul. However, I can look at some of the hurtful things that people do now and I can see their pain even in the hand that harms me. It is a gift that I had never wanted nor hoped to gain, but it is a gift that I am so grateful for. I still cry sometimes and I feel the frustration and pain that come from misunderstandings and judgments of others, but I now can feel some of what is lurking under the surface of their skin and I can find compassion within my to give. I think in the past I have found it so easy to forgive people of so many things to a certain point and then the hurts would just compound until I couldn't see them without the anger and the hurt almost overwhelming my mind. I think that my new instinct to not trust right away but to also take things less personally and to reach out in love and a genuine desire for understanding is helping me to trust more appropriately... to feel protected and yet open and ready to serve. I am so grateful for this new viewpoint and understanding that I am beginning to gain and thankful that I can see the blessings even in what I believe may be one of the largest trials of my life – my divorce and family loss.

What happened to reflect this to me recently was a very painful experience that I had last Monday. I am not yet ready or comfortable enough to share it with others as my soul just feels almost as much shock and disappointment in myself as pain, but it feels sufficient to say that as I tucked into my covers that night and felt pain and resignation in myself, I felt a great deal more sorrow and compassion for my ex and a few friends than I ever have before. I am in a place that I can comprehend and almost see what they struggle with and it makes my struggles seem so minor and of lesser consequence. I haven't felt such a strong motivation to help these individuals in a very long time. While I feel my own burdens pressing, it is a wonderful feeling to look for ways to help... my troubles seem to lessen even in just the thinking of it. A wonderful blessing indeed.

2012 Poetry Corner # 4 : Simply Let Go

To not forgive is to be burned
Hung on a spit of emotional fire
Your pain becomes willful
Relief appears unattainable








Over time, your soul becomes a shell
A hollow, bitter place
I do not want this for myself
My spirit yearns for freedom


Peace is slow to come
But it will come
If I will but ask
If I will but try
If I can… simply let go

How do you know that you are ready for marriage?

A few weeks ago my teacher asked this question:

"How do you know if you are ready for marriage? Discuss this issue, and formulate some guidelines to help people decide whether they are ready to marry. How do  "The roles of forgiveness and sacrifice play in the readiness for marriage"? Please include some of the material from Olson in your answer."

This question really made me think. The next four paragraphs are my crafted response:

I guess my first thoughts to this question is does anyone ever really know if they are ready for marriage? At least in my case, you can do everything you think you need to to be ready for marriage and then realize after-wards.... that you were totally not ready. It seems a lot easier to see things and problems in other people than in yourself and so deciding if you are mature enough for marriage is really easy for someone who is immature and doesn't really know that they are immature. To know whether you are ready or not, you first need to know what you need to be ready... which requires that you actually know what you need to know. I think that can be a hard topic. I did put the question out to a few friends and one friend had an awesome answer that I will post here:

"Egad. My first line of thoughts was about choosing a suitable partner, but that isn't what you're asking.  The first time I married, I was crazy in love.  I don't recall giving much thought to long-term ramifications, but I was a lot younger then, too.  We'd been living together for two years already, so the day-to-day stuff had already been resolved. We were married three weeks after he proposed.

When I agreed to marry my current cohabitation partner, I thought it over a lot more.  In fact, he had to wait almost two years from when he first broached the subject to when I agreed.  This time, I gave a lot of thought to what partnership with him would be like, and what I would need to compromise, and whether I was capable of those compromises.  I think I'm a lot more realistic this time around.  I also go into it knowing that, if the marriage fails, I'll be able to take care of myself emotionally.  I think it's important to not get married because you want somebody to take care of you for the rest of your life, in any aspect.  It's nice if they do, but if that's why you're getting married, you're setting yourself up for disappointment.  Nobody is responsible for me but me.  So I guess I feel more ready this time, if also more cynical."

I think that forgiveness is such an important thing to do and be able to do. If you hold a 'tally' of the person's wrongs up all the time (even if it is only in your own mind), it will eventually overload your marriage- my thoughts here. It's hard to stay in love with someone if you are always focused on the negative aspects of your partner and his/her potential 'mistakes' and 'mistreatment'. Grudges also harm you internally- how can you love others if you have anger in your 'self' and how can you love yourself if you are crowding out that love with anger and frustration and even hatred. Also sacrifice is important because each of us will want others to sometimes let us have what we need. Sometimes to give us what we need, we are asking others to give up wants or even put off their own needs because we feel 'ours' need to take precedence. That can be walking a fine line... but sacrifice can help a couple to stay sturdy and show support for each other and their needs so that both individuals feel truly cared for and supported... not walked on.

After a few weeks, I still feel fairly strongly about my response. What has your experience been? If you had been asked the original question that I entered above, how would you answer it? Please share! :)

Family - The Ties that Bind... and Strangle... and Mangle.....

Over the last few days, I have been watching a family feud erupt slowly over a friend's Facebook page.   Before the disagreement came on to Facebook, it had apparently been waged for years through heated discussions and family debate and spiteful anger.  In the week leading up to this blowout a 'texting war' broke out with the members of one faction angrily berating and shaming members of the opposition through text.  One person finally simply lost her composure and her hurt, angry brain vomit was splashed across her Facebook wall to be seen and digested by her seventy- odd friends.  And this is where I and her other friends entered the picture.

As I read the 'writing on the wall', I felt so much sorrow.  She was vague about who was causing her the problems (family) and what the disagreement was about, but it was clear that she felt hurt, not valued or appreciated, and that she felt that she wasn't being listened to or heard.  Then the fun began....

A few family members struck back and it became apparent that the 'texting war' was very nasty.  So many rude comments and all by name.  So while she spared her family by being very vague, she was not spared at all.  Some of the comments were:

1. Just a note:  I thought J and D were divorced.  That means that J is not part of the family anymore. "If D and J are divorced that means she is not part of the family anymore.  She can be your friend, but she is not family.”

2. You are acting like such a baby

3. yeah, trashing your family is such an ADULT thing to do

4. What you think of us doesn't count - you're family!

5. you have to be so melodramatic

6. I love you , but I can't believe you are causing all this trouble and putting this on a public forum.

7. why can't you be more Christ-like?

8. I like how N is a part of the family...when noone including J and A and D have anything good to say about him besides he gives us things. ;-) Thank goodness E and I are not a part of the drama anymore (that's my gift for eternity)... Heavenly Father looks out for us! I hope you guys can work things out civilly though. Good luck. ... I'm sure something will work out though. I know you just needed to vent so I'm not going to get into this. You guys are fam and You guys know how to work things out. Good Luck!

9. I am adult enough to stand up for things I do.  Obviously she is not with her childishness!  So any day she'd like to hash it out...I'm more than willing!"

10. "Yeah...because J said nothing derogatory about me.  And she didn't drop J, D or A's name in it.  I've had a talk with all of them that took it offensive.  But we're all over it by just considering the source.

(I left all the misspelling and language and just removed names above)

While the comments mentioned above were pretty severe, the comment that popped up over and over like a theme was 'You are making the family look bad'.  Leaving aside the fact that these people's comments made them look bad all by themselves, what really bothered me was the idea that she 'should not' have talked about the family outside the family.  That bothers me a great deal.

Less than a few decades ago (and still probably pretty common today), kids were told to not talk about family stuff that would make the collective whole look bad.  So if you were abused or molested by a family member, you couldn't talk about it.  If you did, the concern was that the family would look bad and that would be your fault.  That kind of flawed logic (someone does something bad, you say so, the bad thing is now your fault) strikes against the grain to me for a few reasons.

The first reason is that I find it appalling that the 'world' and people outside the family are given more power in the family.  Heavenly Father gave us families so that we would have tight groups of people who care for each other and will protect each other from the dangers of the outside world.  The family unit itself seems to me to be the most important unit of all. Yes, some families are broken and need mending- mine certainly is. But if a family sacrifices the happiness and security of one family member for the least embarrassment for the rest of the group, I think that is just plain wrong.

Another reason is that forces family members who are hurt to suffer in silence. Who else can you talk to if not your family....? (Is that why there are so many counselors around... because so many people cannot talk to family? ) Some individuals cannot 'suffer' in silence without literally cracking up. So not only would their happiness and comfort be sacrificed by the family, but also their mental well being/sanity. That seems like an unacceptable cost.

Now, please do not think that I am suggesting that families should not have secrets from the outside world. Many things that happen in the family should stay in the family. I do advocate however, that some things- even petty things- should be taken outside of the family if necessary for reasonable reasons. Those will vary between individuals and families and what they feel comfortable with. However, once something is out of the family, it is 'out' and spending your resources and times insulting other family members and arguing about whether it should be out or not is pretty silly. It is also more likely to make the problem worse and harder to resolve due to bitterness, etc.... Compromise will also become so much more difficult. If someone is wrong, it is a lot easier for them to change their mind if they can do it without too much loss of 'face'.

This battle ended as most people would have predicted by some of the comments above. The owner of the Facebook page became even more frustrated and tired of the comments and removed all of her family from her friends list- about twenty names. Neither side has changed their mind and both sides seem angry and bitter. I do not foresee an end to this rift soon... but since this family is Mormon, when they all die, they will have to live together. Might be pretty tough if no one is talking to each other :D

So, I will continue to work on my family difficulties. I will try to remember the thoughts that I have outlined above as I continue to make my family whole and happy. This argument was so sad on so many levels. But the worse part about it was the subject.

The family was arguing about Christmas presents.

Seven Days Left....

In just a week I head back to Brooklin. I have accomplished quite a few things since I left to try and get my head screwed on again... some of which might not be considered accomplishments by a few people, but ya got to have some fun...right?

Anyway, here is what I have accomplished:

1. I am sleeping again and for the most part I am sleeping straight through the night.
2. I have seen a few films and had a few laughs.
3. I have worked at purchasing homeschooling supplies for Bug including French language books.
4. I have dyed my hair temporarily red/purple which looks pretty awesome and I have purchased a few more pieces of body jewelry to have a little fun with my piercings.
5. I have done my 'homework' faithfully with very few slip ups and my brain is feeling a lot less close to 'emotional bankruptcy'.
6. I made a list of goals for my future and have attempted to start them and break them into the smaller parts to complete them.
7. I finished the paperwork that the school needed so I can go to school this fall.
8. I just feel better and I have gained some weight.

So I have a week to finish up. I still have some work to do and will have for quite a while, but I think that I am finally on track. Finally! I promise not to waste the good and useful time I have left. I will continue to eat well and work. And I will also continue to have fun and rest so I come home refreshed and ready for the big work ahead. I miss my family and I am ready to be back!

Perception and Reality

Isn't it funny that a few people can share a day together and then go their separate ways. The next day two of the members of the group that shared the same exact experience can 'see' the experience so differently from the other person. In fact, if you didn't know better, you might possibly come to the conclusion that someone is lying to you. But in reality how each individual processes their day in their mind made the experience different due to their perceptions.

The word perception in regard to human psychology is usually defined as the process of attaining awareness and understanding of sensory information. How a person perceives their situation, environment, etc... is almost always affected by several factors- past experiences, culture, interpretation of past and cultural events, age, intelligence level and more. Rene Descartes hundreds of years ago conceived the idea of passive perception that can be described as a series of events; input (senses), processing (brain), and output (reaction). Today, many psychologists tend to subscribe to the idea of active perception as a more accurate way to describe the idea that there is a dynamic relationship between the brain and senses which create experience.

So even if every human being is exactly the same in all ways (which of course we are not), we would still find that people's perceptions will differ from each others. If our genes were exact duplicates – in essence, if we are clones- our experiences might be slightly different causing different perceptions and ideas. I find this idea so fascinating and frustrating all at once. It is fascinating because the world is an amazing place with so many differences in people, environments, cultures, etc... Look at the amazing people we learn about in history class and how our world has been shaped by their perceptions of the world around them? One example that springs to mind is Henry VIII of England. Even people who have no interest in history have heard of this king/man. His perceptions of himself, gender and reproduction changed the lives of his many wives (sometimes ending their lives), the lives of his children and the lives and culture of an entire country. One of his daughters Elizabeth I went on to rule after him and her perceptions of power and men again changed the course of her life, the lives of all those around her and the history and succession of an entire country.

However, one thing that really frustrates me about perception is that we as human beings can be so shuttered and trapped into poor perception. When we are born, our brain in many ways is a blank slate which we then begin to fill. As we get experience in life, this experience will change and therefore bias our perceptions- there is now a preconceived concept. This happens because human beings do not readily understand new information without the bias of their previous knowledge. So we can misinterpret others actions and behavior based on the actions and behavior of others that surrounded us in the past which can cause us problems in our present. Or,maybe even worse, we can fail to perceive something at all because our brains are unable to process the information in any way. So something can be explained to you a million times... and you can still fail to 'get it'. So essentially, our reality is biased and as such... boy, it helps to see why we are supposed to forgive people almost everything. If the human mind can only create reality from what it has been exposed, then misunderstandings must be so easy. The mind will just pull out the bits of perception that it recognizes so that we can have understanding or comprehension- even though that probably will not give us understanding and comprehension. “ That which most closely relates to the unfamiliar from our past experiences, makes up what we see when we look at things that we don’t comprehend.”

So know that I truly understand this (at least I think I do.... :), what do I do? If I have communication problems based on the abuse in my past and the way that I was treated early in life, how do I change. What I mean is, I can change outward behavior and I have in many ways. I no longer have a 'anger' problem- I just have to be aware of my emotions an understand that I have a penchant towards anger. By knowing this, I am able to control it. But how do you truly control thought patterns that have been a part of you for so long that I am unable to even recognize that they are thought patterns? How does anyone do it? David Pelzer is an example that I can think of. He had some of the most horrendous abuse I have ever heard of or read about... and yet he has been able to change his actions and his thoughts (at least it appears that he has). Clearly this is a loooong process. So...

How does perception effect you and your relationships? How does it affect your communication with others? How does it affect how you do.... everything!? If you have had abuse in your past or other major problems such as divorce, instability, etc.... how have you dealt with it? What has worked to help change the way you think..... has it worked? Carlfred Broderick talked about a transitional character- one who is able to purify their family line from the blackness and instability of the past and give future generations the ability to not have to confront the pain and scarring. In the past I have thought that I have been pretty successful at being a good transitional character and I have the best husband for that- his patience and kindness are a Godsend that I do not deserve. But... I suspect I have a lot more work to do!

God's Punishment?

Most human beings throughout time have tried to come up with explanations for why bad things happen to others. In my opinion, it seems to be part of the human condition to attempt to rationalize, to find fault in others, to find a 'reasonable' reason why Heavenly Father has allowed something bad to happen. If someone is raped, maybe they were dressed for it or even in the wrong situation... If someone is murdered, than maybe they were in a place they shouldn't have been or had bad behavior... If a child dies in an accident, we suspect the parents could have been more vigilant or responsible. Excuses are even found in a positive vein- “They were so good that God took them home” or “God really knew what he was doing when he gave you this challenge- I could never have done as well as you!” It appears that we come up with excuses that make us feel more comfortable.... not the afflicted If people have bad things happen to them because of something they did, then we are safe, we do not have to worry... it could never happen to us because we wouldn't do 'that'.

I read a study a few years ago that talked about the dichotomy of how human beings think. We are able to rationalize our own behavior and when bad things happen to us we are able to give ourselves the benefit of the doubt- after all, we know why we failed at something. We forgot, or had an emergency, became too busy, etc... but most human beings are unable to give others this same benefit of the doubt. Part of this may come from the idea that we cannot know their mind and so we cannot know why something happened. But people tend to be suspicious and fearful and so we tend to think that when people have trouble, then it must have been something that they did. This allows us to justify bad opinions of them, good opinions of ourselves, and to feel comfortable with the idea that those same 'bad things' will not happen to us. After all, how fearful could we become if we realized that most of the bad things that happen in life are random/non personal because of someone else's agency and only a small amount of bad things are truly due to our own agency?

I have a hard time understanding why people (including myself) cannot find a way to figuratively step back and give our fellow brothers and sister's more tolerance and understanding in all circumstances. Why we are not able to take a small amount of time (and even prayer) to try and see into the hearts and minds of our fellow human beings and give each other the 'benefit of the doubt'? Why can we not assume that people are usually not genuinely out to hurt us... that mistakes, misunderstandings, and bad things can happen? We can truly err without full knowledge and harm others by our behavior and judgments in ways that we ourselves may be unable to fathom.

While I am really struggling to understand why we as human beings are unable to be more tolerance and understanding of each other, I am truly unable to understand why some people use their intolerance and fear as 'scatter-shot'; spewing forth their rationalizations as a shot in the face to those individuals that they wish to express their fear and anger against, but also hitting dozens and hundreds of individuals that were not their original targets. The most recent case in point that I can think of are the words of Republican Bob Marshall from Virginia at a press conference last week...

“The number of children who are born subsequent to a first abortion with handicaps has increased dramatically. Why? Because when you abort the first born of any, nature takes its vengeance on the subsequent children. In the Old Testament, the first born of every being, animal and man, was dedicated to the Lord. There’s a special punishment Christians would suggest.”

So, assuming that all first time abortions are elective and have no reasonable need or reason, Heavenly Father has set it up so that these families and innocent children will suffer his vengeance? (Please do not make me waste time with statistics or friend's accounts showing that this assumption is void and untrue- I am hoping that it is obvious.) Doesn't take much of a stretch for like-minded individuals to decide that all parents with disabled children have had abortions or other pertinent misdeeds that they are being punished for. I wish that I could say that this gentlemen said something that most individuals would consider crazy and not true. But I have heard these explanations for most of my life. A parent told me when I was younger that my aunt was being 'punished' for marrying a non member of our church. So her punishment was for her son to have autism. My son has difficulties and I married a non member... so clearly I should have known better. ;) I have friends who have willing adopted those who are disabled, hoping to enrich the lives of these individuals as well as their own. The lives of individuals with disabilities and their families already have a difficult walk on this earth. They willingly take up the mantle that Heavenly Father has given them. They struggle, they fight real and figurative battles daily in the hopes that their children will have an easier life, understanding the reality that their children will face prejudice, hatred and fear in their life for many reasons not of their own making. In my opinion, Heavenly Father does not punish individuals for another's sins on purpose and disability is not a punishment for a parent's sin!

I believe that Heavenly Father allows some individuals to come this this world with differing challenges – let's face it, we allall will have challenges. Some of our challenges will be more obvious than the challenges of others, but I can not stress enough we will all have challenges, troubles, problems and heartache. No one -no matter how good and perfect- will have a perfect, challenge free life. The most perfect of us all (as Christians believe) is Jesus Christ and if we read the scriptures we make no mistake- he faced challenges and heartache. But our Loving Father allows people to come with bigger challenges for the good of all. We are all here on this earth to learn and help each other. So that we may lift each other up and take joy in our difference -not tear each other down in fear and intolerance.

This legislator claimed that disabled children are a punishment from God for past misdeeds. He is not alone by far in his beliefs. I find this claim to uphold unborn life as sacred, but in the same breath to dismiss and trivialize born, breathing life as distasteful and hypocritical. I can't help but wonder...why do almost all those individuals that claim to speak for God, end up sounding more like the Devil and his angels rather than our loving Father?

To Intervene or Not...

I cannot pretend to know the mind of our Heavenly Father in almost all things. But I felt impressed to sit down and write some of my thoughts and opinions on physical/spiritual intervention by Heavenly Father after a comment from a friend in a recent conversation.

My childhood was not a positive one. When I was eighteen and I was able to legally leave and walk away, I was gone as quickly as I could. Unfortunately, leaving the family home didn't mean that my mother could give up her obsession of punishing me. And I also found myself very torn as I understood that I could not be a good faithful member and not speak with or spend time with my family. This was a conflicting problem for me for several years.

One Sunday in a ward that I was visiting changed everything for me. I was sitting in the foyer listening to Sacrament meeting in a small ward in Utah and ended up starting a conversation with a couple sitting in the foyer along with their children. The husband of the couple mentioned I looked exactly like my grandfather and we started talking about my family. Within two minutes, I became very uncomfortable... I realized that this family knew my whole family. As I became quiet, his wife leaned over and looking me in the eye, she said “It is OK to not speak to your mother anymore. You are an adult and so you are free.” Startled, I continued the conversation with them, sacrament meeting forgotten. When sacrament meeting was over, their children were sent to Primary and we continued talking until church was over. A few points have stuck with me and have come to my mind several times over the years.

1. Heavenly Father cannot intervene in everything. Otherwise.. well, we would have Lucifer's plan. We would all do the right things and return to our Heavenly Father. The plan of salvation allows us to make our own decisions and if he intervened to protect us in all things and in all times, pain would not exist and neither would sin. In almost all cases he cannot intervene. And that is why bad things happen and why people are allowed to do bad things. We can argue and rail against the plan of salvation, but we all agreed to it to come to this earth. Some doctrine even suggests that we knew some of the hardships that we would face in this life. Whether that is true, I do not know. But I do believe that all of us knew that there were really risks in coming to this world. That knowledge doesn't change pain or suffering, but it can help us to understand WHY we have some of the trials that we have. Heavenly Father will help us with many things both big and small, but he cannot force people to do the right things.

kn2. D&C 98:39-44. Joseph Smith received a revelation that helps to understand and gives a little more clarity on repentance and forgiveness. While Jesus asked us in the New Testament to 'turn the other cheek', this revelation clarifies how often and how long we needs to do that to follow the Lord's commandments. When we are wronged, we are required to forgive as the individuals repents. We are required to forgive a wrong three times. If the individual continues to sin toward us after three times, we are required to not 'forgive' and to bring the problem to the Lord. The couple I spoke with stated that it is their belief that then we are to take steps to protect ourselves from the individual. As with abuse, you do not continue to take it.... you protect yourself and loved ones from the abuser. It was after reading these scriptures and praying for several days that I stopped talking with my parents.

3. Carlfred Broderick was a wonderful writer. In his book “My Parents Married on a Dare”, he wrote an essay on abuse. He discussed his confusion and sorrow that abuse happened and the general lack of understanding as to WHY it does or is allowed to be. But then, he wrote about a transitional character - “A transitional character is one who, in a single generation, changes the entire course of a lineage. The changes might be for good or ill, but the most noteworthy examples are those individuals who grow up in an abusive, emotionally destructive environment and who somehow find a way to metabolize the poison and refuse to pass it on to their children. They break the mold. They refute the observation that abused children become abusive...Their contribution to humanity is to filter the destructiveness out of their own lineage so that the generations downstream will have a supportive foundation upon which to build productive lives.” This is not a comfortable thought and is not a happy thought. (If we were Sirius Black, the dementors couldn't take this thought from us.) But it is a goal and a starting point for dealing with the pain.

Sometimes, I do wallow in the pain and let it wash over my head like a thick blanket. I will cry and bite my hands to keep the moans and screams in so I can hide my feelings from my family. But more often, I pray and read and try to fight the feelings. I fight the feelings and struggle to do the little things that make me feel better (or at least give me the strength to keep going while I work on my brain. 'Fake it until you make it' is my motto on many days. It is also definitely helpful to have as little contact with my parents. It is really hard to learn other thinking processes and behavior if your spirit and physical body are being shunted back and forth between defense mechanisms/ingrained behavior you have around the abuser and the behavior/ thought organization that you use in the rest of your life. It gets easier with time... well, most of the time. Something else that helps is to find a 'buddy' in suffering to talk to and try to laugh about it. After awhile, I promise that many things that were not laughable at the time can be quite funny later (or at least pieces). One of my buddies is my sister and sometimes a good laugh and “Do you remember when...hee hee hee”.

There are many other people out there who have these same problems. What have you done to make it easier to deal with in your life? What advice do you have for others who struggle? How have you kept your faith during the abuse and/or your recovery?

Suggested reading

1. Confronting Abuse – Anne L. Horton (LDS author)
2. My Parents Married on a Dare – Carlfred Broderick (LDS author)
3. There's Nothing Wrong with You: Going Beyond Self Hate – Cheri Huber
4. Help Yourself – Dave Pelzer