Abuse in the Church

Abuse is never an easy subject to talk about let alone try to stop. At first it seems like a black and white issue because nobody likes abuse and everybody thinks it is unacceptable behavior. The problems come in the ways we try to recognize and deal with abuse. In a patriarchal society, most victims of abuse are women and children and many of these victims have to deal with unintentional additional trauma on top of the primary abuse such as not being believed, not getting support, difficulty healing from the trauma of the abuse, etc... Sometimes we as family, friends, and community members can make the problems worse for the victim. When we don't believe them, we tell them that their experience is not real and we do not trust them. When we don't support them, we make people feel like they need to stay in abusive relationships longer because they cannot leave them without our support. When people need to talk to heal and we do not listen and empathize, we make healing a much harder thing for victims to do. Recognizing and dealing with abuse is a very complex subject indeed.

Currently, the LDS church is trying to find a way to deal with the allegations of abuse that have recently hit the national media. So far, I admit I do not find comfort and empathy in the way that the institutional church have reacted to the situation. Even when an accuser is heard on tape admitting to the abuse, the institutional church has tried to victim shame, support laws that would make recordings like the one recently released illegal, and downplay the situation as much as possible. While this is a way that most of us collectively and individually may instinctively deal with abuse... I hold the church of my heart to a higher standard and I confess to disappointment at the responses given. One of the reasons that I am so disappointed is that I've heard stories like this from people both in person and online from friends, family, and acquaintances for years. It is so clear that abuse happens and as a church, we react poorly. Some bishops tell women to stay in abusive situations, tell them the abuse is their fault, and punish them for the sins of their partners. I know of rape victims who have been disfellowshipped because they are considered to have fault in their rape. I know women who have been cheated on by their spouse and their church leaders have made it very clear that if they leave their spouse, they (the victim) are the one in the wrong. I'm not writing this to complain about the institutional church because plenty of people are doing that already and I don't think it will be of any help. However, I am concerned about some of the ways that we as members personally are dealing with abuse. As individuals I think we can do a lot better to combat abuse and one of the things that will help that goal is discussion. There are few reasons that discussion can help and change the situation for the better.

1. Open discussion on such a contentious topic makes it clear that the topic is of import and vital. If we are unwilling to discuss abuse then we are sending an unintentional but clear message. That message is that abuse does not matter and is something that is so rare that it is not necessary to discuss. That in itself can make victims keep their silence and hide their problems because they worry about how they will be treated.... by us. By opening discussing a contentious topic and ways to recognize and disavow abuse we are making it clear that not only is the topic important, but we want to help victims and we want to create an environment where abuse is not tolerated. It is not enough to say abuse is not tolerated... we must create an environment where all members know that abuse is not acceptable and will not be tolerated no matter what.

2. With discussions open, we must as individual members make it clear that we personally do not accept abuse and are open and willing to help the victims of abuse. We need to be trustworthy and hold ourselves and those around us to those high standards. We cannot change those standards based on who the abuser or victim is... For instance, if the abuser is our best friend we cannot change our mind on what the standards are. The standards of zero tolerance for abuse must be enforced no matter how trustworthy and kind-hearted the abuser may be seen in our community. Should we do research to try and confirm abuse? Absolutely. But we need to start with belief, empathy, and love. We need to offer support and whatever we have to offer to help the victim get the support and resources they need to heal. We need to work to become true disciples of Christ.. to be there for people in these situations. We also need to recognize that it is not easy to prove abuse and we need to do our best for the victims whether abuse is clearly proven or not.

3. In our communities and our wards, we need to make it clear with lessons and through the hierarchy (bishops, stake presidents, etc) that abuse is unacceptable. Lessons discussing abuse, the trauma caused, and local resources to help victims are key to helping our church community acknowledge and learn to recognize abuse and how to help those suffering from it. Teaching empathy, understanding, and instilling a desire to help victims is so important. I feel quite safe in saying that there is at least one person in every single ward/ church community who is struggling with this problem and that person does not necessarily believe that they will get help or even be believed... and this is a serious problem. We cannot mourn with those who mourn and comfort them if we will not even give them the benefit of the doubt. When victims need recommendations for treatment, it is so important the bishops and other ecclesiastical leaders do not make recommendations that they are not able to professionally make. Recognizing where your experience and talents leave you weak is very important for our church leaders and referring victims to people with more experience, depth of understanding, and knowledge of abuse is key.

4. Lastly, we -both individually and collectively- as church members need to learn how to deal with contention and ineffective communication patterns. There's so many things that cause contention between church members: personal differences in opinion, lifestyle choices, differing understanding of doctrine and church policy... yet so many of us have never learned how to deal with contention. Many of us have learned to do anything to avoid contention which causes passive aggressive behavior, gossip, "tattling" to authority figures instead of appropriate first-hand discussion, shunning, etc... Contention is not always a negative and can be used by people to gain empathy and understanding for different people and different viewpoints. I state this knowing that I struggle with some of these same problems and I too do not always how to best deal with contention.

I saw an example of some of this failure online today. I saw one member try to have a discussion about abuse in the church and then the conversation was shut down as contentious. The conversation deteriorated further into anger, name calling, and 'tattling' in the hopes of negative consequences for one of the parties. There was only one thing that I am sure of that probably resulted from this conversation- anybody who read it who is currently being abused is not going to say a word or feel comfortable asking for help. She is going to stay silent and hidden because she can easily see the trouble she will open up for herself. This is not the way things should be in the church. And this is why open and deep discussion is so desperately needed.

If each of us could work together to make some of former changes in our lives, we can become the change that we seek. For instance, creating a strong network of support that will exist for all church members where there is no expectation that a perfect personal facade needs to be maintained, victims can comfortably turn to others for support and relief without fear of condemnation or negative judgment. That allows victims to feel strong enough to be able to speak up and get the help that they need. By committing ourselves to practice patience, empathy, understanding, and love in our relationships with others, we create a positive and nurturing environment for ourselves and others. When we help others by having empathy for them, we invite empathy towards our own frailties. We can also work to become better communicators and resist polarizing passive aggressive word choices in our conversations with others. We can become more involved in community resources for abuse victims so that we have a better knowledge base of how best to support and help abuse victims of all ages. We can be introspective and fight to eradicate the seeds of abuse within our own actions and lives.

As church members, we are asked to participate in making the world better. We must do all we can to prevent abuse and then do everything possible to assist and heal the victims of abuse that does occur. In addition we must school ourselves so that we do not commit abuse and create victims of our own. These suggestions require a great deal of energy, humility, and commitment so I recognize but my suggestions are hard. However, if we do not protect and help heal those of trauma and abuse in our own communities... How can we end the cycle of abuse for anyone?

President Gordon B Hinckley (1985) once stated - "There appears to be a plague of child abuse spreading across the world. Perhaps it is always been with us but has not received the attention it presently receives. I'm glad there is a hue and cry going up against this terrible evil, too much of which is found among our own." Even though two decades have gone by since this statement, abuse is still happening... too much of which is found among our own. For many of us, the church is a safe place and we do not believe these things happen in it. We believe that the gospel makes us different from other people outside of our faith who abuse others and that therefore we are protected from the horrors of abuse. As long as we continue to ignore abuse in our midst or make it impossible for abuse to be dealt with... the specter of abuse will always be waiting for when we turn on the light.

Forced Rest

I'm a bit tired and wrung out today... a bone deep exhaustion that I am struggling to deal with. I need to rest this weekend so that I have the strength to work all next week and even the thought of moving my body right now seems so painful that I have been sitting and reading or watching films for the majority of the afternoon... except when I have napped. I worry that I am letting my friends and my co-workers down with my inability to continue to push myself in ways that I could in the past, but am unable to do now for long periods of time. I feel like I'm letting myself down too. This problem is something that I think I am going to learn to accept

it and stop being so hard on myself for it. I am trying to look at the positive side of the health problem; I have been able to take the time to read and watch some movies which I rarely have taken time to do in years. Some of the films that I have watched recently I have held onto for years to watch when I had the time. I am slowly winnowing through those piles of films including the massive collection that my Uncle Rick gave me years ago in a large stack. Because of that gift, I am enjoying films that I would never have gone out of my way to see if he hadn't given them to me. (Don't get me wrong- there are some serious duds in the collection, but I have found a few gems. And this package used to be full to the top... it was an amazing gift.)

So today and tomorrow I will rest and see what energy I can pull up out of the recesses of my muscles for the week and what will be will be. I am grateful for the day of rest that I have and a day to spend with family.

Spanglish

It's funny how a movie can just make you feel so confused and so many different emotions that you just don't feel like you can even think because you're having to try to figure out what everything means.

For fun tonight I thought I would listen to a movie while I did other work and I soon found drawn to the couch and there I huddled- tired and hungry, but unwilling to go to bed until the film finished. What I had thought was going to be a very light-hearted and silly movie was something a lot more serious and a lot more thought-provoking. Most of the films I've seen with Adam Sandler have not been serious films. In fact, if anyone had asked me that question, I would have would have told you that Sandler really didn't make them. All the films that I can think of that he was in are ridiculous, silly, flighty, and fusty stuff. Films that you might watch once to enjoy the terrible humor and then never watch again. The only film I've ever watched of his before now that didn't feel that way was "The Wedding Singer." I will admit it's one of my favorites. I find myself not really interested when I see a movie advertisement that Adam Sandler is in not really interested in because it didn't occur to me that he would have another film that was anywhere like The Wedding Singer... It seems like most of his film sound like "Click", "Happy Gilmore" or "Billy Madison." I'm climbing into bed after this film and I feel torn between the couple who is trying to stay together and isn't sure that they should and Adam Sandler's character; a steadfast hard-working man who's trying desperately to keep his relationship together even as he can see someone who would treat him better in his peripheral vision. Watching the way that the wife manipulates and destroys so many pieces of her whole family and pets and needs the entire world to revolve around her and then says things like "why doesn't anybody care about my feelings"... and all I could do is sit there and watch the train wreck in action. I regret watching this film right now as the reason I put it in was to have something that would make me laugh, but I don't regret watching the film. It was very thought-provoking and I go to bed thinking many things and a brain awash in multitudes of emotion. If that was the director's goal then he succeeded.

Have you ever seen the film? What are your thoughts?

Image from: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0371246/?ref_=ttfc_fc_tt

Peace

When I was waiting to get my taxes completed today, I picked up book and glanced through it. This line brought me up short and I am still mentally picking it apart this evening.

If it costs you your peace, it’s too expensive.

This statement could be used as a yardstick for almost everything in life. When you read it, what was the first thing that popped into your mind? Does it bring you peace... or does it cost to much? A powerful thought to chew on today.





(I apologize that I can't attribute the quote to anyone. I wasn't able to find an original source)

Self Reflection Collage

Here is two views of my finished product:

So here is a copy of my final art project. My silhouette is completed with more emphasis the disparate parts within the body- even though I think that most of the separation is really in my mind and attitude. My body has very little color because while I am not goth, I tend to where only dark colors no matter how often good friends have tried to get me to do otherwise. My hair is stringy and full of curls and craziness because that is the way my hair tends to be which is why it is always tied back and away from my face and skin- because my hair is so crazy I pretty much used gesture to create it while it is pretty obvious in other areas I was more careful with my line drawing. However, I feel more beautiful when it is down, hence, why I tried to leave it down in this work. My hands are folded to not only hold people and things back from me but to hold a book which is my favorite thing to do..... after cats. I am an animal fanatic and I have eight cats, five ferrets, and a hamster- all rescues with the exception of Desdemona the hamster. My son, cats, and reading are the highlights of my world... with an occasional eggnog for a treat. :)

One Week In....

Well, I have been without an official job for about a week and I am so glad to say that many aspects of my health are starting to improve, but also a little annoyed that I haven't accomplished more in the time that I have had. Granted, I have accomplished alot including some cover letters, an unpaid internship for class, house cleaning, CBT's for re-certifications, a math exam, etc... it just doesn't feel like enough actually. So I think I need to accept that as long as I am trying I am really doing OK. Maybe, all of us need to recognize that we are doing the best we can and cut ourselves some slack... and just pet some kitties. Food for thought. :)

The Identity Game

Have you ever played the Identity Wheel game? Here is a copy of the gameboard....

When you fill it out... what do you find? Here is what mine looks like:

My identity wheel doesn't really have much diversity in it at all. basically... it is a quick and easy people labeler. It took me about three minutes to fill out and I wasn't really surprised to say that it doesn't really tell anyone much about me that isn't already pretty obvious. I am a 41 year old, European ancestry white girl who considers herself to be heterosexual with some minor disabilities. I have had a multitude of low paying high responsibility jobs for most of my life in the medical field that have included working with adolescents in crisis and detox, emergency medicine and pharmaceutical distribution in both hospital and retail areas. I work 6 days a week almost all year to break $20,000 a year, am divorced with one child, and no military experience (had little interest and when recruited my physical stuff disqualified me.) I was born in Rhode Island, grew up in Colorado and Las Vegas and then moved to Maine 15 years ago and will probably stay here for the rest of my time here. I still have parents and family out west and I am trying to complete a college degree. I am a strong believing Mormon (LDS) with very unorthodox views so I do not fit in the orthodox church mold very well.

One thing that came to mind as I was filling this out was how simple it seemed to me and as I wrote down my sexual identity, gender, etc... I had an image of a teenager looking at the paper and hesitating.... Should they write down what they feel in their heart... or what other people would write down for them. In some ways this diversity wheel can also be used to obscure identity to try and fit in better in the society and culture you reside in. So while I found it pretty simple to fill out, I am also pretty comfortable with who I am at this stage of my life. For anyone who doesn't necessarily fit in the normative modes, each piece of the pie can come with hesitation and decision.

It also doesn't cover the aspects that make me who I am. My desires and dreams are no where and do not even leave any hints on this wheel and depending on when it is filled out, so much can change. I was married once and can get married again. I am interested in adoption so maybe I will add more children to my home... doubt it, but who knows. Even the boxes that seen clear such as religion do not tell how I interact with my religion and its teachings nor how other adherents around me change the religious experience for me. An interesting activity thought.

If you complete the activity for yourself, what does it tell you? Are you willing to share?

It's Time...

I have had a nice sabbatical over the last several months and I am ready to begin again. Writing is such a part of my head and my heart that I am thrilled at the idea f starting again. I have some outlines on topics for this year - history fans, etc... will have quite a few things that they will enjoy. As I head to sleep on this beautiful evening on the first evening of this year, may we all sleep well and tell someone that we love them and how much they mean to us today. Let start a great new year together! And if you have any specific requests for the year, please share in the comments. :)

Introduction to This Month’s Topic: The History of Women in Western Civilization

This was a class I wanted to take for a few reasons. One reason is that I love history and it feels like I have studied it all my life. I grew up with a thirst for it and devoured every book I could find that I could understand. I think that this passion for learning and history has served me well in my life and has been very enjoyable for me. However, I found that I felt over time that my knowledge was really very limited and as I looked at it from an education and a religious standpoint, I realized that I pretty much can give the basics on many of the individuals that have made history, but the majority are men. The exceptions in my mind can be classified as wealthy, white, powerful women such as Catherine the Great of Russia and Queen Elizabeth I of England... which were rare. Over the last year or so, I have tried to change that and have actively tried to look at the flip side of the coin so to speak. I have found the information a lot more challenging to come by and having anyone to discuss the information I do find with is difficult because the history of anyone besides men isn't taught in most standard classes so the discussion becomes a bit of a lecture or monologue.... which is no fun at all. So I saw this particular class as a lot of fun and a great resource towards gaining more knowledge, but also more guidance towards more resources for future study. I was hopeful that I can learn more not only about women and their struggles in culture, families and in creating a human history of their own, but also that I can develop a better understanding of the struggle for gender equality that is going on in my own lifetime. I also wanted to have a better understanding of how power and entitlement work between gender, class and race and how people are working towards changing the cultural biases that affect the under-privileged majority of people.

I found myself really interested in learning about how women's history is being compiled by historians and feminists today and how, as history is complied, what forces or parts of culture tend to decide which history is most important for the average student to learn about. I recognize that politics enters that equation as well so I understand that question must needs be open ended without a full solution to be had.

I think that anyone who approaches any of this information differently on a few levels. As our gender is intertwined in our mind and our thoughts without it being consciously there, each individual will have no choice but to either ignore or recognize that you will look at in the material based on your gender. However, I think that we are each much more likely to approach the material from a just as personal and unapproachable bias.... the bias of our own life experiences as well as current life circumstances. Our experiences, culture, family and our choices over time have helped each of us develop into a unique and amazing person and we cannot help but approach any topic with those biases in place and work to try and set them aside as we study and try to look at the topics addressed. I do not think that it is possible for any of us to do that completely- part of me at least has a hard time recognizing biases in myself and I assume others may have the same difficulty in self reflection and introspection. So I suspect that even when many of us appear to see the topic in the same 'light' and have the same viewpoint, we are getting there from very different paths and thoughts.

I recognize that the topics that I will address in the next several posts may be unknown to most and may also be on topics that are sensitive or cause negative emotions in yourself and others. I am not sharing them to cause any harm or anger; rather, I am sharing because I believe that the only way to change culture is to talk about it. From my writings, you will find that some of these topics were challenging for me and my emotions will hang off of some of my sentences and paragraphs. I hope that as readers, we can share our thoughts freely and discuss our feelings and concerns on the history and the topics that are discussed… many of which are still relevant to ourselves and women around the world today.

pictures from: http://www.citelighter.com/film-media/fashion/knowledgecards/womens-fashions-of-the-medieval-era, https://oregonheritage.wordpress.com/2012/05/18/oregon-womens-history-project/, https://oregonheritage.wordpress.com/2012/05/18/oregon-womens-history-project/, http://www.ora.tv/offthegrid/article/grid-history-women-history

2014 Poetry Corner # 2 - "Meditation" (a haiku)

slow, breathe in, focus
on you, your needs, your feelings
understand yourself

A Little Bit on the New Place

So, I have finished moving into my new place! I am really excited about it for so many reasons and even though I still have some unpacking and arranging to do, I feel more comfortable than I have in a long time. It doesn't look like much- it's just a small cabin, yet its so much some comfortable and I feel more free than I did in my two bedroom apartment. It's funny how having less makes some things harder, but many important things easier.

I love having land to hang out on again. I have already started imagining and planning for a small garden in the spring and I am wondering if maybe having ducks would be a possibility again- not wondering too much because I will be working so much so I wouldn't be able to enjoy them or keep them safe. I have already tried to enjoy some time sitting outside looking at the stars – feels too cold to do for long right now- but I am looking forward to it in the spring evenings. I love having wood heat again... its a more comfortable heat and while I am still getting used to the rhythm of starting and keeping the stove lit and fired up again, its wonderful. It is so much more comforting and feels more right than a thermostat does. I have to pay attention to the weather, to how I feel, to the air around me... and as such I think I get a better appreciation of it.

I love the huge amount of windows- boy the cats do as well. When I am working outside, I will see them sitting on the sills enjoying the rays of sun that come through the pains. I love that it is within the living boundaries of the church I need to attend and so I no longer have to worry about difficulties there. I love the rustic look of the place itself and even some of the problems- I find myself thinking of ways to fix or modify them. I love the size of it and how it is pretty darn cozy. How many people live in places that they really feel are great places to live for all parts of them. I suspect that not many people do as otherwise, home décor wouldn't be such a popular thing as we try to turn our homes into things that we like to look at and let others look at instead of enjoying the place for the environment it provides. (I recognize that I have over simplified that idea.) It feels like a place to be happy and to grow in.

So here is a picture. Like I said, not fancy... but perfect all the same. :)

Fear and Loathing… for “Four Friends”

So after missing a week of class, I arrived last week feeling shaky and tired but, with a drink and tissues in hand and a computer, pen and paper in front of me, I settled down ready for another provocative evening of film and thought. I cannot say that isn't what I got.... ;)

I cannot say that I liked the film “Four Friends” and I dearly wish that I could. At least I wish I could say something definitive about it.... whether I hated it or loved it or something. Instead I feel this mass of emotions that hours later I cannot seem to dispel. I feel twisted up and almost suffocated by the waves of them that flow over my thoughts and are buffeted by the winds of memory, hopes, dreams, and regret. Hours after I arrived home I found myself awake, restless and sweating... feeling the darkness close in as my eyes stared into the nothingness. Every attempt that I made to clear my mind was insufficient and only seemed to throw the distractions into sharper relief... causing even more agitation and restlessness in my heart. So, here I am, trying to empty the swirl of thought vomit in my brain onto the page in the hopes of some relief, some small amount of weariness to be allowed to enter my brain and slow it down enough for the oblivion of sleep to take over and allow the darkness to pull me into the deep. I was vaguely horrified by my reaction and to stay sitting and not to leave... to not walk out of the film and to go home... well, that was a serious amount of work. I am still not sure how I accomplished it.

Within the first few seconds of watching Georgia almost literally waltzed onto the screen, I felt feelings of deep loathing and disgust. She appeared to be a character/ person with traits that I dislike intensely. I felt she had self-confidence bordered on arrogance and an immaturity that frustrated me. I saw her as vain, overly flirtatious, manipulative and even a little benign. And as I watched I was torn between my feelings of dislike and a growing amount of dismay as I started to realize that I didn't like her not only for the 'legitimate' reasons, but I think I also didn't like her because I saw some 'parts' of her that I felt were mirror images of some of the things that I hate in myself. And so, as I sat there loathing her, I realized how much I really loath myself. How I want to be pretty and I'm not. How I want to be liked and to be wanted by the people that really matter to me... and I am not. And how I would love to be able to enjoy things more... and I can't. And I could see her confusion and her hopes and her dreams written all over every aspect of her being... and I could feel my confusion in my youth. I could feel the dreams that I had to be loved and to have a wonderful normal family and to be me... to be cared for as myself even though I am eccentric and I have too much energy and I speak without thinking and I also think a bit too much of myself. I worry about whether I am accomplishing enough and what other people think and all sorts of stuff! So watching Georgia and her behavior was a bit like watching a distorted image of myself and things I wished I was brave to do or feel comfortable doing... and feeling jealous. And feeling angry because I want so much and I can't have it whether I'm good or bad or anything. It's like nothing I do that's right and nice gives me anything positive at all... except the comfort I feel from doing it. And then I feel scared because I think that I am running from life too and I'm not sure that I feel like I want to find it but I don’t want to feel like I've wasted it either. In essence, Georgia is a spitfire... and I am conflicted about them.

Danilo was a very interesting mix of a person and I found myself drawn to him even as I was repulsed by Georgia. I thought I could feel his fear of her and any relationship with her but also his extreme hope and love towards the America that he saw and wanted to exist. He wants a better life than his father has and is frustrated that his father seems so unhappy and doesn't want to better things. As he says, “There is college...” and his father states, “Not for you. In America we work.” His father also says “I'm tired and I have to go to work – that is America.” I heard that line and I can't even express how often I have felt that way. I think I have just thought the ending slightly differently... In my mind, I think “I'm tired and I have to go to work – what else can I do. I'm an adult and I must eat or die.” This is a very different viewpoint than the romantic and fairly extreme viewpoint that Danilo carries in his heart. Danilo is also a bit too honest and speaks his mind and his heart to his detriment. His mouth is both a blessing and a curse as it brings him happiness and a lot of pain. His every word holds so much meaning – when he looked at his father and said ' Dada” … you could hear the hope and joy and 'feel' what that meant to him. That one word became a complex tapestry of images and emotion as we look at his young face.

His friend David was an interesting mix as well. He is overweight and seems to understand life a little more - “between chromosomes and tradition, what else can I do.” He is easy... easy going, easy to lead, easy to love, easy to leave.... easy to forget. And he seems to know this about himself. So he is quick to laugh and think good thoughts of others and worry... sometimes too much... most of the time not much. And Tom.... well, I didn't feel anything much about him at all. I do not feel like until the end of the film he fleshed out much as a character at all. He didn't seem like anything more than a colored shell until he came back from fighting in Vietnam. The funny thing is that I do not feel like he changed that much... but he did in the sense that he seemed more grounded and his character felt more real. I am not sure that I ever really liked him... but I didn't dislike him either. He just seemed like a decent boring guy by the end... isn't that how most of us turn out as adults. :)

And so the movie finally ended. I could still hear the scream of the saddened and distraught mother... who is no longer a mother... and the wife... who is no longer a wife... just a woman. “I don't really know what to do with that word.” Sadly, I am almost in the same situation and I do not know what to do either. I can still feel her loss and her grief and confusion and I can claim those emotions as my own. I hope that someday I will not understand her grief as well as I do now. And I hope I am not offensive if I admit that I never, ever want to watch this movie again. I want to let the images and emotions fade so that I can continue to heal from my past. I want to forget.

Tzedakah... Artwork by Jessica Millis :)

I really wanted to take the time to introduce an amazing piece of art work from a friend of mine. She has entered a contest which allows public voting for the next few days. I am hopeful that you will like her submission and also be willing to vote for her. I have put her image below and it is beautiful! I have also posted her thoughts on her artwork which makes it even more special to me. Please take the time to look at the picture and read her thoughts.....



Please briefly describe your design:
This design incorporates a portrayal of the six days of creation within a contemporary context, expressing the power of compassion, unity and creativity in solving modern problems. The top portion portrays interconnecting human hands cradling the earth and strenghtening each other.
This tzedakah box will be made from ceramic clay, which is symbolically important, as clay comes from the earth. Each of the periods of creation will be painted in colorful glazes. The hands and the globe will be sculpted and cast in clay, forming a handle for the hexagonal lid. It will measure 11 inches tall, and 6 inches wide at the widest point.

How does your design reimagine the future of giving? How will your design spark a national conversation about the obligation to give, where to give, to whom and why?
The days of creation in my design each reflect a different way in which we can contribute to positive change through our daily actions. I believe we must use our own creativity to effect social and environmental change. We might ask ourselves, for example, "How have my actions today impacted the atmosphere, the land, the water, the plants and animals, and other human beings?", We may consider how we can give to others and to the earth. What we perceive to be insignificant acts are in fact intricately connected, affecting others in profound ways we may never fully know. My hope is that we will be inspired to give in a manner that will promote environmental sustainability, prosperity, and self-reliance. For example, donations that give even a relatively small amount of money to a small business or agricultural venture can have enormous positive impacts on individual lives. This is one creative approach to promoting self-sufficiency and environmental consciousness on a local level and in developing nations. It is sometimes by very small and simple means that great change can occur. I believe we need to begin to see more clearly the many ways in which we as human beings are connected both to each other and to our environment. Increased opportunities for travel, and modern technology, especially social media, have contributed to greater general awareness, but there still seems to be a spiritual disconnect. The interconnected hands in my design represent our link to each other and to our planet. It isn't simply about giving money to a cause, but rather about changing our perceptions of others, learning tolerance, patience, and simple kindness. It is about recognizing the impact of our actions. I believe as we go about our daily lives without judging others so harshly, constantly looking for the good in other people, opportunities to help will materialize in ways we may not expect. Some of those opportunities may involve a gift of money, but it may also be as simple as offering encouragement and hope to someone who is suffering. As we give to others, especially to people we may not necessarily like or relate to, we gain compassion and understanding, we become unified, and we begin to heal. The people we have helped may in turn choose to turn around and give to someone else. As this occurs, we can begin to recognize that we are all in this together, and we are not as different as we thought. I guess as a concept this is not complex, yet it seems so elusive to us at times. It just takes practice. As we begin to see “the big picture”, we can be creatively inspired and empowered to contribute to a chain of meaningful change.

So will you go to this site and vote? Her design is under the name Jessmillis. Please! Also leave any comments as I will make sure she gets them! :)

2012 Poetry Corner #3 : Who is Your Master?

When you stand upon a path
that will soon quickly divide
How do you make the necessary choice
of which path you will abide?

Are you impulsive, quick – fast to choose
to quickly move ahead
Or do you dawdle to collect
the knowledge of where to tread?

What are your motivations?
Why do you make your choice?
Do your truly understand yourself
and the thoughts that you give voice?

I have found that I’m not sure
of what is really me
Why I do the things I do
what I want to be

But there is one thing I know
one thing that I find true
That Christ should be my master
He will show me what to do…

So who is your master?
Who is your guide?
Who do you follow?
Who do you mind?

So I try to move forward
Feeling the peace that I seek
Struggling to hear the spirit
Focusing on being meek

My soul feels less pain
My heart does feel more peace
A door begins to open
And the path is right ahead…

I’m ready...

Introspection on my Past, Abilities, and Recent Thoughts: part 2

Here are the last paragraphs of the last posting....

My current view of life is a journey, but very open ended. I am not sure where I am headed nor do I know for sure where I want to go. All of my goals right now in many ways are short term. Get a good job…. finish school…. try to fix my home situation….. try to survive… stay healthy… - nothing for the most part that is entirely long term and cannot be changed. And all the goals are sort of vague as to what things I need to accomplish them I need to do. I am trying really hard right now to learn about myself and to try and understand how I am different and become a better communicator and person, but I do feel constrained and frankly I am split in some ways I see life as a great learning experience, but I see most learning as painful, difficult and I am not always sure that it is worth the struggle. I tend to also see most positive experiences as something that I cannot easily attain for many reasons whether it is my insecurity in my ability or my lack of physical assets, etc…

In my lifetime I have had a few leadership experiences. I have been a director of a play for grade school children, a mother, a medical supervisor for a drug abuse/crisis center for teens, and an advisor for a church youth program that due to circumstances gave me no authority but all the responsibility. As a director, I found that I didn’t understand the craft and I didn’t have a stable enough life at the time or the confidence to accomplish it and I gave the job to someone else. I have failed as a mother. As a medical supervisor, I found that the people I supervised didn’t like to do the extra work and nothing I said could convince them to do so- I ended up redoing and doing most of the work myself until I gave up and found a different job elsewhere. As an advisor, I did step up to do the work and sacrificed almost everything. After I had given everything I had for several months, I was ‘fired’ (which I didn’t know was possible from a church job), not given the basic decency that other members would have been given for my work and I have not accepted a job since. I really put all of my time, passion, much of my extra monetary resources and joy into that job and I felt beaten and slapped and unappreciated after my firing. I haven’t been willing to risk that again since. (And I can’t imagine why anyone would want to read any of this- what depressing piteous drivel.)

I think what I need most are some really positive experiences with people that I genuinely believe want to help me improve and have no other motives that that. I need experiences where I am gently pushed forward, encouraged and helped as I struggle. I need to find a way with being OK with who I am and wanting improvements for me and because they are good for me… and not for someone else. I think I also need to reach an understanding that I appear to be a leader… whether I want to be or not, so I should try to be the best. :)

I think what I need most are some really positive experiences with people that I genuinely believe want to help me improve and have no other motives that that. I need experiences where I am gently pushed forward, encouraged and helped as I struggle. I need to find a way with being OK with who I am and wanting improvements for me and because they are good for me… and not for someone else. I think I also need to reach an understanding that I appear to be a leader… whether I want to be or not, so I should try to be the best. :/

As for the idea of entering a new phase in my life, I am totally unsure that is actually true. I feel like I am in a holding pattern and attempting to find a life in this holding pattern and struggling to find the right ideas and words to move in a positive direction from it. I am not sure if I am astute enough to recognize when I am in a new phase until the new phase is ‘over’ and I am in the reality that has continued…? I have no idea if that made any sense or not. I think that the term ‘new phase’ assumes that when change is happening a person is introspective enough to deal with it and to make decisions that are based on what could happen. When I have had change such as the ‘firing’ I mentioned above, I did nothing new but lick my wounds and not accept another job. I didn’t see it as an opportunity that I do see it could have been now. So I think that figuring out you are in a ‘new phase’ may be easier for some people than others or maybe my reaction to all new phases in my life is to curl up, close ranks, and try to deal with my emotional aftermath from it. So if I look at this time in my life as a potential new phase simply because I am still alive and still here ready to work, I think some of the goals I would make wouldn’t change from the ones that I am currently attempting to complete. I would try to survive and learn more about myself, try to stay healthy and work on my family, try to develop better skills and finish my degree. I think that is a pretty tall order already. :)

There are several adjustments that I think I might need to make. However, none of the adjustments seem easily feasible or even possible for me in my current situation. I need to learn how to change thinking patterns and I think doing that on my own is not only slow but I have no way to truly understand if I am doing it or to measure progress. Sometimes I am not even sure where to start- after all you can’t start on everything that is wrong all at once. And, in all honesty I am quite a biased party. How can I figure out what is most important if I have difficulty looking at me separately from being me? I need to find a way to feel more confident and improve my self-esteem- how do you break through the patterns of thirty-six years if cannot really understand what is a pattern… what patterns are good and acceptable, what patterns are not… and in what areas I turn positive experiences into negative ones? Where does the pattern start positively and since I can’t see it or understand it… I change it? Have I even now seen any real part of any patterns or am I like the electron that sifts so far away from the nucleus that the patterns I see have no relationship to the whole…? I have no idea how to even define adjustments at all and that is fairly scary as well. Even in area where I feel like I have made great inroads to success like financial stability, I feel easily dismissed and I easily decide that I haven’t accomplished anything worthwhile at all. It takes a few days to remind myself that what I think counts, and working towards something that is important to me matters whether others believe it or not. (And a few days I think is pretty good even though I think that I have to remind myself for weeks or the positive traction is gone.) I need to continue to focus on the positive and I need to continue to work on showing caring and forgiveness to myself. I need to maybe adjust my defense mechanisms to allow other people in… although I have no idea how to begin that process on any kind of large scale.

Some ways I can try and change these experiences to something positive...? I can take my past experiences and try to re-frame them. Instead of allowing myself to remember them with the negative emotions and the ‘selfishness’ of my own view and what I felt at the time, I can try and stand back and look at how the other parties not only reacted but what might have caused their reactions. What were they thinking? How to they respond to life in general? I can certainly see that in some ways I am very much my mother’s daughter…. I am more likely to back off than attack and I am more likely to stay away than fight and lash, but I still feel all of those things. While I may not have a mental health disorder that causes me to react and ruminate and lash out at others the way my mother does, in many ways I still think the ways that she does so I simple have different reactions… maybe? Maybe I think I do and I don’t…? Maybe I just want to think I am different and I am simply a carbon copy of the original but I don’t have the excuse of mental illness to justify my behavior. Maybe I am just so hard on myself I am unable to take my experiences and change them to anything positive because I am not sure what really constitutes positive. I know I don’t think I can do this on my own and in many ways I am married with children, pets and friends… and I am still alone. Except for possibly trying to reframe them and try to look at them more positively, I am not sure how I can learn from any of my past. I feel like I need to find a way to simply shed it and the baggage if gives me like a skin from a lizard or I can’t overcome it. I am also aware that isn't really possible... so I will try to keep thinking I guess.

Random Thoughts on Oral History, Interviews, and Technique

This week, I spent some time really focusing on the process of getting ready for an oral history interview and what is really involved. I ended up with 13 small paragraphs about different ideas and thoughts on how to interview and collect oral history... and I will share them with you below.

1. The idea of neutrality is described as a skillful way of holding yourself/ body and asking questions that keep the focus at all times on the interviewee and their thoughts and feelings. For instance, having too much rapport or empathy with the interviewee can really side-rail the interview and make it more about you and your feelings and thoughts- and not the person being interviewed... which is certainly not the goal that we are trying to complete(in performing an interview). Also, too much of anything- whether it is emotions, questioning etc... can change the interview and make it more biased, less accurate and focused on the biases, not the whole picture.

2. It is suggested that opening an interview with a question that provokes a detailed answer helps to start an interview with a prompt, purposeful beginning. It lets the interviewee know that the interview has begun and gives both you and the interviewee the cue that you are 'down to business'. Using a question that the interviewee is likely to know and need to give a detailed answer to helps get the interview off on the right track of the interviewee talking... and you listening.. It also should state the main purpose for the interview so that the subject that is to be covered is acknowledged right away.

3. A leading question is a question that sets up the interviewee to answer the question asked in the way that the interviewer seems to wish. This will not necessarily give you the answer you are really looking for. The danger of loaded questions contaminating the interview becomes higher if the 'status' of the interviewer is higher than the 'status' of the interviewee. Loaded questions can also produce answers that are truly difficult for the historian to interpret correctly because the interviewer's bias is so obvious in the original question. To avoid loaded questions, avoid questions that provoke short answers, questions filled with 'emotive' words, and use the interviewers own words to ask more questions- do not make assumptions of what the words mean... ask! Leading questions are less likely to cause problems with the interview near the end of the interview and can be useful when you have had an uncooperative interviewee. At the end you can use these questions to try and pull out more details and get more information. However, even in these situations, keeping the questions as non-'leading' as possible will help to keep the interview unbiased and 'correct.'

4. A negative leading question can be useful for getting comments and thoughts on provocative topics... especially if the historian's research has turned up conflicting information between the research and the information provided in the interview. It is important however, to not use too many of these questions because they can turn the interviewee off of the interview and it is also important to word the question so that the 'challenge' appears to come from a third party and not you- which can cause the interviewee to feel hostile and not as forthcoming towards the interviewer. There are other reasons to be cautious when using a negative leading question, but that covers the important points. They should really only be used when the questions can add to intellectual knowledge and debate or figuring out how the subject deals with adversity.

5. You should only give your opinion when the person being interviewed insists on knowing it. Otherwise, your opinion isn't really important in this instance. Your opinion can only help to bias the interview or even divide you from the person you are interviewing. Even when asked, the interviewer can sometimes use the words in the question to turn the interviewee back to the focus of the interview... and take the focus off of you!

6. Follow up questions are used by the historian to really get the details that you are attempting to have the interviewee provide. Ask for understanding when you feel that something is vague. However, the historian must be very careful to not make the interview feel like the subject is getting the 'third degree'. Questions should be open and indirect... without looking like you are challenging the other person. Some interviews can be fairly useless when they are completed in such a way that followup questions are not really asked.

7. Background research is so useful for a few reasons. Research ahead of time can help you to determine bias or untruthfulness in your potential interviewee. The information can help you during the interview to understand the information that you are being given, help to keep the interview 'on topic', and help you to provide 'useful' leading questions as well as memory nudges for the interviewee that is having a hard time remembering specific things/details. Background details are especially good for helping your interviewee with introspection and helping the individual remember what they 'felt' or 'thought' in the past during certain situations.

8. Approaching a friend or family member about an interview would be done differently than an interview with someone you did not know. First, you already have some rapport with the person that you have developed through your personal relationship. Ignoring your previous relationship while performing an interview would make the interview confused, stilted and any attempt to be 'neutral' would look a little ridiculous. :) However, the interviewer/historian must also carefully analyze the person that they are interviewing and modify their (the historian's) behavior and questions accordingly. Again the interview is about the information and the interviewee and not about you or your relationship with the 'interviewed'. Keeping the interview on track, easy going... but as neutral as possible and focused is the key. The interviewer needs to exercise self restraint in some instances and use rapport, empathy and neutrality to get the information that is sought.

9. Oral history is different from journalism in several ways. Oral history is the legal property of the person/interviewee and can only be used with that person's permission. Oral historians usually try to solve this problem by having a release signed when they complete the interview. Journalists rarely ask for consent to publish and as such they are less likely to get people to truly open up about sensitive personal information. As oral history usually contains such personal information, historians should make no assumptions about publication unless they have consent. Journalists also have the option to bias results in ways that oral historians should not. A journalist can use correct materials in such as way to create a bias in one direction or for political expediency. But while that is not OK for a journalist, many journalists will still do it for reasons of expediency, etc... A historian, in an ideal situation, will not allow societal bias, personal beliefs, etc... to influence the information that he is presenting. The historian will do their best to make sure that the information is as neutral and bias free as possible so that the most accurate picture will be presented. A journalist has the responsibility to report and may use personal information in a way that the person may not feel comfortable with. A historian has the responsibility to do more than just protect the source- if the information is not useful for the current public good and can cause undue injury to those involved, the historian should keep the information safe for a good number of years until the information is can be used in a way that doesn't cause a lot of damage to living people.

10. It is suggested that release forms should be simple and informal... and if you write one yourself... keep it from being legalistic. While some people think the forms should be signed before the interview... it is generally recognized that after the interview process is the best time to do so. While, after the interview you might have problems with a recalcitrant interviewee who has changed his mind, doing the signing before the interview can inhibit the person to be interviewed. Making promises to the one that is interviewed is difficult as well because it may be difficult for you to keep the promises. History can and should belong to everyone so promising that it will not is just one promise that is difficult to keep.

11. Background research itself can raise ethical issues that the historian has to deal with. When you are doing research on living people, you may discover information that is clearly confidential and private. It is important that you realize that specific permission must be gotten for releasing this information- even if you broke no laws to get it. It is very important that the historian does their best to not breach people's privacy or release information that can cause undue harm.

12. It has been mentioned that maintaining a neutral stance during an interview is hard and appears to be manipulative and dehumanizing if you perform tactical and careful planning ahead of time. The idea of neutrality is very important and should be carefully considered, but should not be taken the the other extreme which can inhibit the interview. The historian must remember that being neutral should not cause you to behave unethically or even anti-socially. Making sure that the interview situation is about the interviewee, and not about the interviewer. Keeping things confidential, being sensitive and empathetic, helps to keep the interview unbiased and truly humanistic. Neutrality should be used to gather information and not hinder the gathering... but it also should be slowly put aside if needed to increase communication and understanding by making interpretation. I hope that makes some sense.

13. When interpreting and analyzing your interview, it is important that you treat the conversation and information as serious, important information. Some historians believe that any interpretation of someone else's words is possible inappropriate and ethically challenging.... and a full transcript must be released. Others suggest that the historian, by reinterpreting the interview, puts themselves in a place of higher significance, and that releasing the interview as a full transcript is the only way that the interviewer and the interviewee are on 'the same plane'. Other say that there is always interpretation and if you assert that the interpretation of the historian is unethical, that is 'tantamount' to saying that the interview should have never taken place. I suspect what is being said is that care must be taken to be objective when attempting to interpret an interview... and that the historian should be aware of bias- especially their own.

14. The interview should be put into context if you are planning on using it for a term paper or for general consumption. One reason for this is that reading about someone you do not know can be confusing... and even boring. Most people understand that no life is perfect and is affected by the society and culture around it. So adding the history that affects the person's life is so important and makes the interview interesting and draws the attention of not only historians, but other people.

2011 Poetry Corner #1: The Storm

The water glides rippling past my toes
As the wind rages, the ripples become chops
Almost violent and angry

And while the world sways and rages around me
I sit- a silent spectator …
Waiting for the wave that will come
And rejoicing in the storm that is outside me
… and not inside.

A New Year... and a New Perspective/Start.

A New Year! Please do not think that I am being even the tiniest bit sarcastic when I say 'Thank God for a New Year!' I am so grateful for the New Year. I know that the idea of a new year is mainly symbolic- that your life hasn't really changed... that the trials and difficulties that you are facing haven't just disappeared or even been resolved... In reality, nothing surrounding you has changed.

However, the symbolism of the new year invites us to once again become introspective and to really look inside ourselves and see what we lack or what we wish to change... what we see and are disappointed to find...and maybe what we wish to accomplish that we have been putting off (self reflection so to speak). This time of year reminds us that the time is now... not later, and the change that we want to see in the world must begin with us. So, while we should take the time to be introspective and mindful every day, many of us don't and that is a skill and a habit that I am still trying to develop.

So I have spent time over the last few weeks really looking at my life and instead of focusing on the trials ans the pain, I have tried to really try and figure out what I have control over and what I would like. And also, what is necessary. But, I made a few rules for myself. One rule is that I can only make a few changes or attempts to change - otherwise all of my good intentions will go the way of most New Year's resolutions... which is distraction, disappointment, and failure. Also, I wanted to pick three things that people could hold me to- I would have one year to complete and the goals should be easy enough to substantiate by others so I couldn't just blow it off. I really wanted to know that I could be held accountable. And last, I wanted the few goals that I shared to be ones that were not too personal so I felt like I could discuss them with others. I am determined to not just get so busy that I do not continue to work on these goals as well as a few personal ones. So here they are...

1. I want to have the credits for both of my minors concentrations to be completed this year- I think it is quite doable.

2. I am pretty horrible at math. I would like to study enough and learn enough to be able to take the placement test at college and pass it - i.e. I want to pass it enough that I am not relegated to prehistory math.... yes, I am really that bad. But it I am able to place high enough to take pre-algebra and algebra and pass them- I will have my associates degree!

3. I would like to get one paying genealogy job this year. It doesn't need to be a big one, but I would really like to test my talent on someone who isn't a friend or relative and really hone my skills! I think that would really do quite a few things for me... including boost my self esteem. And it is something that I love!

So those are a few of my thoughts... What are your goals for the new year? And how many of you will pay attention and help hold me to mine...? :)

Thoughts on Somatoform Disorder... and a Lot of Questions!

1. Somatoform disorder is the name for a group of conditions in which the physical pain and symptoms a person feels are related to psychological factors. These symptoms can't be traced to a specific physical cause. In people who have a somatoform disorder, medical test results are either normal or don't explain the person's symptoms. This group of disorders includes: Conversion disorder, Dissociative disorder, Somatization disorder, Hypochondriasis, Factitious disorder, and Body Dysmorphic Disorder.


I will admit that after reading my texts twice- I am still not sure that I 'get' Somatoform disorder. Or at least I thought that I was starting to get it until I read a lot of the other posts from my other classmates. Everyone seemed to focus on hypochondriacs and while I do think that was part of being discussed... well, I guess I wasn't really convinced that was the whole idea... And the amount of backbiting/rudeness and judgement was quite impressive ('I know someone just like that and she does it for the attention...' or 'I know someone who definitely fits this disorder and they go to the doctor all the time but it's clear there's nothing wrong with them', etc...)

Am I wrong? Maybe I am so focused on the idea that I was so sick and nobody could find anything wrong for a year. I had x-rays, ultra sounds, a colonoscopy or two, and was poked and prodded by everyone imaginable in my local practice and was given huge antibiotic shots every few weeks, started Prozac and was then sent to a third specialist... who then gave me an upper-endoscopy and then told me that all of my symptoms made perfect sense for the problem that I was really having... which wasn't recognized by any of the other physicians that I had seen.... So how can you really be sure that someone is a hypochondriac and doesn't really have something physical wrong with them? Especially just by casual looking or conversation...? The textbook talked about how women are more likely to be diagnosed with this disorder... can this be because physicians as a rule are more likely to think women have something wrong with their mind (anxiety, etc) than a heart attack for instance... and so they do not look deep enough? Or am I just overly tolerant and not cynical enough?

I guess I also wonder if pain disorders have to be specifically 'pointed' at in the sense that I think that Fibromyalgia is a 'pain disorder' but there doesn't seem to be anything specific to 'point' at- they hurt, but no one seems to know for sure why? Are they hurting?... I have no doubt. Is it all in their mind? I can't believe that... Also if I look at the criteria, is it possible that someone with a bad relationship and stress problem be able to be 'diagnosed' with this disorder that with time and other changes could no longer qualify for this disorder? For instance, if my friend Pamela has belly pain and reflux from stress (she thinks), a sex symptom- because she has no interest in sex with her estranged husband right now, and she is also likely to complain of random chest pain, a twitching eye, headaches, and leg pain... could she be diagnosed with this disorder if her doctor can't find anything definitive? Even though a casual discussion and exam could probably show that this is most likely temporary and stress related? And once you are diagnosed, can you ever 'lose' the diagnostic label... or is it yours forever? I also wonder which came first- the label hypochondriac or somatoform disorder... although I suspect that the term hypochondriac came first. I guess I have more questions this week than answers- sorry :(

One thing that was really interesting to me was that Body Dsymorphic Disorder is one of the disorders under this diagnosis- known to us lay people usually as anorexia or bulemia. Because maybe that is my clue for understanding the idea of the disorder. If the idea behind BDD is than an individual for some reason is unable to accept who he/she is or what he/she looks like or can't be what he/she wants to be... is able to for unknown reasons in her mind attempt to force the body into what he/she cannot have (and I believe that is done unconsciously truly- I can't imagine that those thought processes are something that someone works on to develop... although I could be wrong.) Well, than maybe what the book is trying to say is that a person has so much 'stuff' in his/her life that is painful (whether it is abuse, stress, etc...) that they cannot control... then the unconscious mind tries to get out some of the strain through other various ways which the individual doesn't tend to recognize and then they go to the doctor thinking that they had another problem. But I guess I am again stuck on the idea that at some point the doctor can decide that the patient has nothing really wrong and diagnose them with this when it could be something else.

Does anyone out there know someone who has one of these disorders and can maybe give me a little more insight into it? I really am curious and want to have a real discussion on it. What do you think if you are someone who has it? Would you be willing to explain a little bit of your personal history so maybe I can understand a little better?

2010 Poetry Corner # 7 - "Repentance"

I close my eyes and look within
The deep dark blackness of my sin
is oozing, flushing through my heart
I need to atone... how do I start?

Instead of standing, tall and proud
I need to kneel down on the ground
and pray until my lips are sore
so the Father can open another door
and guide me in so I can see
his love and joy because of me....

I am not perfect- I don't feel whole
I find it hard to heal my soul
but maybe it was meant this way
so I would have to ask each day
for the help I need to just survive
but also.. the help so I can thrive!