My First Two Earliest Memories - Description and Analysis

This post is quite bold and doesn't paint me in a very good light. I decided to post it here for the few people that read my blog by simply coming to it. I think that the thoughts and analysis are painful but important and I think that hiding them is not useful to my growth as a person. So, here it is and I hope that you will not think too poorly of me from the knowledge....

I do not have a lot of early memories and the few that I have are really not positive ones- I wonder how many other people feel that way? I think that the few that I have do mark key turning points because they are the few that I remember and I seem to remember them and the emotions surrounding them so clearly even today. The very first memory that I have was playing on a beach with a new beach set – a pail, rake, etc… I remember feeling free and busy and finding my first hermit crab. I remember the smell and the delight of this really neat animal and my glee and almost greed to collect as many as my pail could fill to give to my mother. I remember the excitement and the intense focus I gave to my work- to find as many as I could to give to her and they needed to be big and have neat shells and I might have even felt a little bit of greed- I am not sure on that. But I remember filling the pail- it was brimming with this crabs that of course all wanted to get out and I had caught them all without being pinched or harmed and I brought them to my mother… who was revolted and angry and yelled about my foolishness and ordered me to go put them back one by one. I remember the shame and my hurt and when I tried to dump the pail, my mother again emphasized that I needed to individually pick each one up and put it back nicely. And I remember crying and putting my hand into the bucket and finding it impossible either through my tears or impossible in general to pick up a crab without getting pinched. I remember completing the job in silence by simply lowering a finger into the bucket and simply allowing a crab to latch onto my finger and I would bring it up and pry it off onto the sand. I would change fingers as they really started to hurt and even bleed, but I remember my sorrow, my fear, and my rejection… and a little bit of anger and a feeling I recognize now as a feeling of being alone and having no one who actually cared – not sure what word describes that. I can look back on that experience and see that experience as one that I would only repeat again when I was thirteen years old. (I saved my allowance for six months and purchased a ton of different gifts for my parents for their wedding anniversary- My mother hated every single one and pointed out why it was worthless, useless or simple stupid/bizarre. At least with my parents I have not repeated this experience.)

My next earliest memory is slightly fuzzy at the beginning as I think the beginning of the situation must have really been experiences over a longer period of time. I remember standing next to the blue car that my parents drove for years (a blue Chevy Malibu I think) and looking at my cousin in front of me and feeling angry and jealousy so strongly towards her and her smile which wasn’t very nice. I remember her opening the car door and getting a book out of the back that was mine and having her look at me and say that if she wanted it, all she would have to do was ask my mother for it and it would be given to her and I just felt so much anger and hatred and jealousy I think– I don’t know really what I was thinking, but I pushed the car door with all the force that I could muster and slammed the door on her hand. I remember standing there feeling a slight bit of satisfaction as all the adults cooed over her and my mother told me how awful I was and she gave away my book. I look back at that memory over the years and I do feel a little bit ashamed, but I recognize that I think I also knew that I was going to lose a prized possession, so I think I thought I might as well get something for it. Unfortunately that is a lesson that I am trying to unlearn even today. :(

These are my two earliest memories and I am able to see a few turning points in them when I look. The first memory was from when I was around three years old and I think I learned to ‘grasp.’ (When that word came to mind I had an image of Gollum from Lord of the Rings in my head, but as much as that image is horrible, I think in some ways it is an accurate one.) Instead of learning impermanence and that things in life are not guaranteed, I learned that maybe I could hold onto things I cherished harder and to hold anger and frustration when they were unfairly taken away. I learned to only hold a few things cherished, but those things are sacred and the angry and frustrated that I would feel up to a few years ago at their loss was pretty terrible to behold I think. (I have really been trying over the last decade to deal with an anger problem that while not violent didn’t seem to be entirely under my control. I think I have gotten a lot better, but I am not sure if I really have or if I simply believe myself to be better.) The other experience was when I was around five years old or maybe six and I think what I learned was that I couldn’t control anything so I tried to find ways to create control out of fear and also create good reasons for my loss – if I was going to lose something, then I wanted something in return. The idea of striking back is still one that I am struggling with. I think that I have beaten it, but some people who are close to me say that I have not and my husband has told me that he would never have married me if he had known how vindictive I was and still am. The thought that I harm other people still causes me a lot of pain and has caused me to withdraw from almost everyone in my life and I don’t see that changing any time soon – I feel too much fear.

I think that is the story of my life... I feel too much fear. And I think this may have been too honest. I feel like I have picked up a big rock to see the disgusting slime and life underneath and it isn't very nice.

'True North' and Beginning Introspection on Myself and Leadership

One of my classes this semester is on leadership... a quality that I clearly think that I lack. :) One of the first things we were asked to do was read about 'authentic' leadership and to look at the following questions to start assessing the leadership potential that each of us has. So I have posted the questions as well as my answers here. Please be kind. :)

1. What leaders, past or present, do you admire most? What is it about them that you admire? Which of these leader do you consider to be authentic leaders? What can you learn from their leadership?: After my readings and thoughts on the issue only a few names kept pushing their way to the front of my thoughts. These individuals are quite varied in background and I think a few I would be debated with by calling them 'leaders' in the sense that I have tended to see leaders as people that everybody knows or are famous or are rich and powerful. The individuals that I really feel stick out in my mind are: Martin Luther King Jr., King Benjamin (from the Book of Mormon), Anite Stratton, C.S. Lewis and Tamar (from Genesis in the Old Testament). The things that I admire most of about these 'leaders' in some way are very unique to each individual, but all of these people have a few traits in common. Every one of them has courage and was willing to work and risk a lot for the things that they believed in and they felt 'passionate' about. Each individual did their work and pursued their passions not only giving up other easier options, but drawing other people into their lives and their passions changing the world around them. I admire their courage and passion as well as strength and determination to move forward even if success doesn't seem possible and to continue to try. Every single one of these people are authentic leaders beyond doubt. I base this statement on what I believe an authentic leader to be; namely, an individual with a strong internal moral compass, good and passionate purpose, a strong character, true to their understanding of themselves and at all times working towards positive individual development and progression, and establishing and working toward positive and strong relationships with others that are solid, well grounded and strong as well. Each person not only took the time to question life and their assumptions, but to question how they made the assumptions in the first place. These leaders have taught me that the easy way is not always the right way, that I need to be true to myself and what I need but not selfish and clutching, to take risks and not hide in fear and anxiety, and to acknowledge my imperfections and to question myself, my motives and even my needs to determine what I really need and what is real knowledge and worth struggling for. I will give a brief synopsis of these leaders below for those who do not find these individuals familiar to them.

2. Thinking back over all the leadership experiences in your lifetime, which ones are you proudest of? : This is not an easy answer for me. I am not sure that I am proud of any experiences that I have had. I have personally felt that I shouldn't be a leader or be in any position of power over others. I make too many assumptions, I have difficulty with conflict and I have been told by a few people that my communication skills are quite poor and I misunderstand people and their motives frequently. Knowing these traits about myself makes me feel that I shouldn't ever be a leader in any capacity because I do not think that even with passion, strength of character, generosity and positive internal development and motivations, I can overcome my communication difficulties and my lack of full self awareness and discipline. So the list of leadership positions I have been in is small to non existent as I have worked hard to avoid them in my life. Through a few supervisory experiences that I have been given at times when I have been forced to be a very reluctant leader, I can't honestly say that I am proud of any leadership experience in full. I am only proud of aspects of what I accomplished- I don't honestly feel like I can be proud of the job I did as a whole. The aspects I am proud of are my capacity for generosity, my motivation for hard work, my creativity and ability to draw people outside of themselves and their comfort zones to think and ponder, and my attempts to lift the people in my group that I considered the most at risk in terms of health, self esteem, and life challenges. I am not proud of my poor communication, my fear of myself and conflict as well as my inability to stop or deflect negativity towards others, team divisions, or to stop deliberate sabotage- my response is to just sigh and feel annoyed and to to fix the problem indirectly... a response which rarely has worked for me I might add. (I will admit that I am only taking this class because it is mandatory for the honors program and then with the hope that I might learn a few things... it would never have been on my list without the motivation of the honor's program.)

3. Think about the basis for your leadership and the kind of leader you would like to be as you answer these questions: What qualities do I bring to leadership? What leadership qualities would I like to develop further? : I do have several good qualities that I think are important in the basic needs of people in responsible or leadership positions. I am generous, highly motivated and creative. I tend to be quite energetic and I am action oriented- I prefer to get something positive done then spend time just discussing it. I am passionate, loyal and am willing to struggle toward goals wholeheartedly. I easily trust and share with those whose values seem to mimic mine and I do work on being introspective and having consistent positive self development. But I think that is where the good and strong qualities end. If I had the opportunity I would love to have a few of my more negative qualities become either neutral or even positive characteristics. I would love to develop the capacity to truly understand people better during verbal and nonverbal communication and to find more positive ways to manage conflict. It would also be wonderful to understand how to work at keeping teams healthy and how to understand ways of helping when groups are not able to work together. At one point, I spent over five years working at changing the thoughts and behaviors of a faith community when it can to individuals with disabilities and I was only successful in allowing myself to be frustrated, semi-abused and pushed out. I also think that my fear of myself and misunderstanding only presses the likelihood of failure in my communication and success higher. If it was possible to develop better communication skills, more self awareness and understanding as well as self confidence and knowledge I am all for it!

4. Assess yourself against the five dimensions of an authentic leader: Do you understand your purpose? Do you understand your values? Do you lead with my heart? Do you establish connected relationships? Do you demonstrate self discipline? : The short answer is that yes would be the black and white answer to the question. But true assessment leaves quite a bit of gray area. I definitely lead with my heart. When I feel like I understand what is right and necessary I give it everything I have and sometimes more than I should or can afford. In some aspects I am pretty good at self discipline- as an individual with lots of food allergies, I have to be very disciplined to avoid getting sick through food as well as supplies for basic daily living such as soap and envelopes. But I am quite cowardly when it comes to conflict and that is a skill I am currently trying to develop instead of just avoiding it or ignoring it. Some forms of self discipline I am not really good at and they tend to be the ones that are harder to pin a clear negative consequence to. I understand my values and can clearly articulate them, but I am not always sure in some situations how the situations fit into my values code and only in hindsight do I sometimes see that I have not followed my values as strictly as I would have liked. I am able to develop connected relationships, but I am sometimes unsure of boundaries and over the last year, my ability to develop close connected relationships seems to have been severed... at least in the short term.

5. Do you feel that you are more effective as a leader when you are authentic, or does being authentic constrain your leadership effectiveness? : I am not sure how to answer this question honestly... as I do not feel that I have ever really been a truly effective leader. My instinctive answer is that I can only be an effective leader when I am being authentic and I think that must be the correct answer in life as well as class. Trying to be someone you are not or to espouse values that you do not feel are correct is difficult and does eventually do you in -sometimes literally if you are famous for your high values (William Bennett) or even famous period (Tiger Woods). I think that the answer might also depend on what your values actually are to determine effectiveness. Some well known business leaders chased the companies they led but walked away with millions of dollars and compensation- if they were trying to become rich at any cost they were quite effective, but not really as effective if they were trying to create a great, trustworthy and solid business/company. Whatever most people think of Bill Clinton, statistically a great majority see him as an effective leader even though the majority would also say his moral compass was out of whack. The opposite is true of George W. Bush. In some ways he does appear to easily fit the mold as an authentic leader... but the majority of people appear to see him as a failed leader overall.

6. Are you consciously developing your leadership abilities at this time? : The easy answer is not really. Right now all of my mental focus is glued onto working on my family relationships, finding stability in my life, working on my goals and developing a better understanding of myself. I think that only the last focus really cleanly fits into developing positive and effective abilities. However, this understanding I am attempting to develop is my focus to understand me and to help me find stability and a clear sense of purpose again in my life. Frankly, in many ways it is a selfish focus as I want this ability for 'me' first and only want the benefits of it as a secondary bonus.

My Leader Synopsis: Every one of these people that I discuss have changed the world for the better. I will admit that I thought of a lot more, but these are the ones that really 'stuck' when I was reading about the above assignment and the people that I think about recently when pondering positive changes in my life. All of these individuals have radically changed the world that I live in for the better.

1. Martin Luther King Jr – became the defacto leader of the civil rights movement in the United States. His passion, action, and work toward social welfare and racial equality in my country and its positive consequences cannot be adequately defined in only a small paragraph.






2. King Benjamin – is the story of the ruler/king of Zarahemla. He was a man who was passionate about his faith and his people and he worked tirelessly to support himself (unusual thing in a king) and to teach his people fidelity to God and service and kindness to themselves and others. He focuses on peace and good works and tried to teach everyone by his example and his work as well as by his words. His final speech to his people focus on gratitude, faith, service, and the obligations that everyone had to the fellow beings and to God. His speeches and works were quoted by other prophets and leaders for decades after his death according to written words and tradition.



3. Anite Stratton – is a wonderful woman who I am lucky enough to call friend. She is a woman devoted to helping children and other individuals who have severe life difficulties. She is currently the mother of eight children (maybe more at this time... I am not always up to date) many of whom have come through the foster system. She is patient, dedicated to helping others and her passion is focused not only on helping the 'ordinary' child, but also the child with severe difficulties. Her love and passion seem to have no bounds as she will work with anyone who wants to learn and will support anyone who is truly trying to better themselves.

4. C.S. Lewis – is a beloved author and Christian apologist. His passion for self introspection developed into a strong Christian faith during his college years and it infused all of his life and works until his death in 1963. He was a leader in literacy and in Christian thought as well as in quiet good works such as charitable donations. He did not allow an assumption brought to his attention to stand unless appropriately defended and worked tirelessly to convince others to look deeply, to challenge assumptions, to follow the Christian faith (he was generally positive to wards all faiths and didn't work to degrade any faith- however, he felt that Christianity was 'right'.) He didn't believe that certain genres of writing were 'lesser' and wrote for almost all genres... and in doing so reinvigorated and remade the way these genres were viewed and written (such as childrens literature.)

5. Tamar – is the story of a woman who lived during the time of the famous Joseph; ' Joseph and his Technicolor Dream-Coat'. She married the son of Judah (one of the elder brother's of said Joseph) named Er who died before they had conceived children. She was then married according to commandment and tradition to the next oldest son of Judah named Onan. However, Onan was unwilling to have children with Tamar and did his best to avoid doing so which according to tradition led to his death. At this point, Judah decides that Tamar is 'cursed' and so he lies to her- asking her to wait until his youngest son is old enough to marry her, but in actually never intends to have his son Shelah do so as is evidenced as the years go by without the marriage taking place. Tamar finds herself in a difficult situation as she sees no way to fulfill the promises that she has given to God to continue the hereditary line of Judah and also as a widow has no status and little honor. In short, she has no opportunity for future love or marriage, maternity, or even justice. Tamar understanding herself, her community and current family as well as having a passion and determination to follow through on her commitments develops a plan to fulfill her commitments and she waits for her father in law Judah at the side of a road when she knows he will be walking by. Wearing a veil, he does not recognize her and, mistaking her for a prostitute, propositions her and is accepted. She accepted his signet ring as a temporary payment and presents it to him in a few months when she is discovered to be pregnant. She bears twins and is later married to Judah according to some traditions. Her children become the forbears of other famous individuals.


(On an end note, I wonder what it says about me that most of the leaders I admire most are long dead....)

The Temple

I enjoyed so much my most recent visit to the temple. One thing about the temple is that while every visit is the same (especially if you are unendowed), every visit is so different based on your frame of mind. This visit was a little different because I went for a few different reasons and with a few different thoughts in mind. I felt prompted to go and a chance remark from an acquaintance caused my small and weak prompting to become to become a hard and firm resolve. Even when the typical 'chaos' and negative stuff began in the forty eight hours beforehand (as always happens before the travel and attendance of the temple), my resolve only wavered slightly and never in any permanent way. I felt that the path before me was fixed and I remained resolute in my determination and desire to go.

It was an amazing experience. Some would say that it wasn't much in the sense that after I got to the temple, I just mostly walked around the grounds and thought and cried and wondered and hoped. At one point I was given a great yet uncomfortable insight into a person I used to know and I needed to let go of- I really needed to understand many things. I will not pretend that I understand things better, but I feel differently. Over the last few months my anger has abated and I have looked for peace, direction, and understanding in my life. I am finding peace and a direction that I did not expect but I am attempting to follow. I am trying so hard to allow the direction that I feel impressed upon....sometimes I think I am trying too hard and I want- no need- to go slower, to feel less, to be braver, to lose myself in the opportunities that the Father has provided to me at this point in my life.

One thing that added a bit of humor to the day was the misc chatter of people exiting the temple or walking to their cars while I was walking around. In many ways, I became a moving part of the scenery. People would chat and move around me and carry on their average conversations and it felt a little strange that people carried on average discussions right outside the door. Some started talking on the phone as they walked out the doors. It almost felt like being at the temple was so blaise and so benign that being in the temple and its grounds was 'nothing' and didn't mean much. Now, on one hand, we should behave in the world and in our lives the way we do at the temple- everything and anything should be for our spiritual learning and fulfillment. Here are some of the funny things I heard:


'...and so they ended up divorced and so I was so completely happy...'

'I couldn't remember whether you said the loft or the tower...'

'Well, the ice pack has melted we'll be doing good to get to the church...'

'Are you already for me?'

'...I thought it was just medium... ummm tall, not short. There's no medium?'

'Do you need some more of these sugar free mints?'

'I missed your call because I was in the temple. Did you need anything?'

'Where's Carolyn...?'

'I have to tell you that I am well known for my chocolate eclairs....'

'At least they have take out... (the temple)'

'You might have to sit on your butt.'


Sort of silly huh? I left out the guy who paced outside the doors discussing the ups and downs of the stock market. :) I guess the different conversations on the mundane sounded so strange to me on the temple grounds. So in the end I had a great time and it was worth it. Can I challenge you to go to the temple in the next few weeks? Come back and tell me what you did... and what funny stuff you heard.! I'm waiting.... :)

The Rise of Moscow after the Mongol Conquest

During the years of 1237-1240, Batu Khan and his armies overwhelmed the Russian military forces and the lands of Kievan Rus became a part of the vast Mongolian Empire- or the Golden Horde. Many cities were the worst for wear from this war, and the capital city of Kiev was no exception. Kiev was already a 'falling star' by the time that Batu and his armies arrived- in 1169, the city was captured and sacked by a Russian Prince named Andrei Bogoyubsky who then promptly moved his capital to the newer city of Vladimir- after accepting the title of 'Grand Prince' of course. Kiev's location was no longer as much of an asset as it had been at one time due to trade route changes and political re-directs so the country-state of Kievan Rus was dividing into two 'groups'... and groups that really had little communication with each other. When the Mongol armies arrived at Kiev, they razed the city to the ground and decimated the population who had resided there. So the time was ripe for the ascension of a new capital city in the Russian lands... and Moscow was ready and amply endowed through several circumstances and means to rise to the top of quarreling princes/cities to snatch at the number one spot. This paper will discuss the circumstances and advantages that the small city of Moscow had that allowed for its growth and dominance during the final years of Kievan Rus' existence and the leadership of the Golden Horde.

The land on which sits the current city of Moscow was inhabited long before the Russian city was built and named. Evidence shows early evidence of humans dating to the Stone Age with evidence from the Schukinskaya Neolithic site, the Fatyanovskaya culture burial ground as well as other sites. The first mention of the existence of the city of Moscow was in 1147 when it was used as a meeting place for two princes-Yuri Dolgorukiy and Sviatoslav Olgovich. In 1156, Yuri Dolgorukiy built a wooden wall and a moat around the small city... and he is the man generally credited with the founding of the city of Moscow., This 'mere village' was situated near Moska river and had ready access to the Oka, Volga, and Dnieper, and Don rivers and was rather insignificant when compared to other new principalities of its time: Suzdal, Vladimir, Tver, and Riazan are examples. Situated in the northeast section of Kievan Rus, the city sat on a relatively flat geography with moderate temperatures and huge swaths of forests. This small city was also ideally located in the migration path of populations traveling from the middle Dnieper to the northeast section of the state. The impact of the Mongols on the Kieven Rus state can be described as inconsistent- in this case location really does matter. In some areas, the devastation was large and hard to overcome such as in Kiev and Vladimir. In other areas the impact of the invasion was less felt and so areas such as Moscow had less problems with depopulation. In fact, Moscow notably had an influx of population due to being a less devastated and more protected settlement.

During the years of the Mongol oppression or 'yoke' as it was sometimes called, the Russian aristocracy had a custom of how inheritance was divided between the male children- or princes- of the household. This system, called the 'appanage' system describes a system where it was common for a Russian prince to divide his land into as many 'appanages' as they had male children. In the principality of Moscow, the ruling prince followed the system, but tweaked it just enough to change the outcome of the inheritance. Instead of dividing the property into equal pieces, which over generations would become smaller to non-existent when there were too many princes around, the ruling prince would leave a major share of his estate to the eldest son and only small pieces to the other sons. This had the effect of allowing the eldest sons to dominate his brothers and take their lands in arguments... whereas in other areas civil wars between princes were much more evenly matched.

This form of primogenitive inheritance helped give Moscow an edge over other Russian territories. In the beginning Moscow was considered of such little significance, that it was an inheritance to the very youngest son of Alexander Nevsky named Daniel in 1263. Daniel attacked and/or inherited a few other 'appendages' and was able to leave an enlarged inheritance to his son. One of his prodigy, Ivan I, was known to collaborate with the mongols and was considered so trustworthy by the Khans that he was given the title of Grand Prince and was put in charge of tax collecting throughout much of the Rus lands around 1331. Using his profits to buy more land or collecting more appanages through force, Ivan increased the amount of his holdings five times. Ivan also helped to transfer the residence of the chief bishop of the orthodox church to Moscow (from Vladimir) and so he was able to count on support from the church for his actions over other rulers and cities. Ivan I also had the advantage of having mongol troops available for his command to fight other Russian prices or kinsmen who he had a disagreements with.

So while other princes were spending their time dealing with more princes and land to fight with/over and not having good success, the rulers of Moscow were quietly successful in their quest to increase the size of their holdings. Individual princes from all over attempted to secure the support, influence and even military might of the Mongols for their own endeavors or for the title of Grand Prince. So inter-dynastic quarrels could now be brought and appealed to the Khan for settlement... and many were. It can certainly be said that the Russian princes were not passive when dealing with succession problems and many times the Khan was called upon to deal with these family struggles. But one specific situations helped move the Khan of the Golden Horde to look more favorably upon Moscow. Moscow's main challenger for the title of Grand Prince and for the tax patent was the city of Tver and the rivalry between these two cities had been fierce for quite some time. (This civil war between the two cities lasted about 25 years. One source describes the contest between these two cities are full of 'dramatic episodes of court intrigue, highway robbery, murder, and war.) However, in 1327, a violent anti-Mongol riot broke out in Tver with the death of several mongol officials- which effectively ended the Khans strategy of allowing each of the cities to hope to get his 'favor'. The army of the Golden Horde attacked the town of Tver, its neighbors and devastated the cities... among the leaders of the troops for this attack was Prince Ivan of Moscow. It was also thought that the city of Tver was becoming political allies of Lithuania- a traditional enemy which caused some worry to the Mongol Khan.

Due to the calculation and successful implementation of the 'appanage' system by the princes of Moscow as well as the implicit support of the Golden Horde, the military might of Moscow over other Russian principalities was fairly assured. So, it should not have come to the surprise of anyone that as the rulers of Moscow grew more powerful, the yoke of oppression would be less tolerable. In 1378, Dmitri Donskoi and his army beat a small Mongolian army at the Battle of the Vozha River and in 1380, an alliance of Moscow princes defeated the Mongol alliance at the Battle of Kulikovo- marking the beginning of the end of the Golden Horde's power in Russia. There is some question of who the winner was in this last battle if you are looking at it from the military point of view, but from the moral and human point of view, Russians saw that the mongols could be successfully challenged and that 'Moscow' was the champion 'of the oppressed nation'...and Dmitri Donskoi was a hero for openly challenging the Mongol army/occupation. His son Vasily I was the first prince since the occupation to have been named successor of a city in a will without the prior approval of the Khan and he started his reign by sending 'gifts' to the Mongols and not the full tribute.

The empire of the Golden Horde began to disintegrate around the reign of Ivan III- a prince of Moscow, who greatly expanded the territory under the control of the city and laid the foundation for the coming Russian empire that was ruled by czars in an autocratic system. By the time Ivan III had completed his territory grabs, he had all the land of Russia under his control and a unified nation- in a way Kievan Rus had never been. For decades, the Mongols had been experiencing internal conflict with fairly frequent overthrows and a new 'Khan' designated.

In conclusion, the world and the life that lives on it is experiencing constant change. Kiev, at one time, had all the advantages at her feet between water access, land, trade, people, etc... But as the world changed, Kiev's 'star' was no longer so advantageously aligned and another 'star' could rise. And as the state grew in population, Moscow is a city that is more centrally located- Kiev was very much in the south of the state. Also, travel and communication from Moscow around the state would have been easier due to its abundance of close waterways. Through luck, sheer cunning, and natural advantages, the city of Moscow rose to a prominence that it has continued to this day. From a small, meager village in 1147 to the city that now houses 10,563,038 people, Moscow has become the largest city in the state of Russia... and a city with a vivid, living history that can be seen in its buildings and people today.

A New Year... and a New Perspective/Start.

A New Year! Please do not think that I am being even the tiniest bit sarcastic when I say 'Thank God for a New Year!' I am so grateful for the New Year. I know that the idea of a new year is mainly symbolic- that your life hasn't really changed... that the trials and difficulties that you are facing haven't just disappeared or even been resolved... In reality, nothing surrounding you has changed.

However, the symbolism of the new year invites us to once again become introspective and to really look inside ourselves and see what we lack or what we wish to change... what we see and are disappointed to find...and maybe what we wish to accomplish that we have been putting off (self reflection so to speak). This time of year reminds us that the time is now... not later, and the change that we want to see in the world must begin with us. So, while we should take the time to be introspective and mindful every day, many of us don't and that is a skill and a habit that I am still trying to develop.

So I have spent time over the last few weeks really looking at my life and instead of focusing on the trials ans the pain, I have tried to really try and figure out what I have control over and what I would like. And also, what is necessary. But, I made a few rules for myself. One rule is that I can only make a few changes or attempts to change - otherwise all of my good intentions will go the way of most New Year's resolutions... which is distraction, disappointment, and failure. Also, I wanted to pick three things that people could hold me to- I would have one year to complete and the goals should be easy enough to substantiate by others so I couldn't just blow it off. I really wanted to know that I could be held accountable. And last, I wanted the few goals that I shared to be ones that were not too personal so I felt like I could discuss them with others. I am determined to not just get so busy that I do not continue to work on these goals as well as a few personal ones. So here they are...

1. I want to have the credits for both of my minors concentrations to be completed this year- I think it is quite doable.

2. I am pretty horrible at math. I would like to study enough and learn enough to be able to take the placement test at college and pass it - i.e. I want to pass it enough that I am not relegated to prehistory math.... yes, I am really that bad. But it I am able to place high enough to take pre-algebra and algebra and pass them- I will have my associates degree!

3. I would like to get one paying genealogy job this year. It doesn't need to be a big one, but I would really like to test my talent on someone who isn't a friend or relative and really hone my skills! I think that would really do quite a few things for me... including boost my self esteem. And it is something that I love!

So those are a few of my thoughts... What are your goals for the new year? And how many of you will pay attention and help hold me to mine...? :)

To Struggle....

I love my son so much. It is sometimes such a struggle to watch him struggle... to watch his brain and body spin out of control when his parents are emotionally troubled. He is so beautiful and such a kind and empathetic soul. He has so many talents and so many people tend to only see his difficulties... and never see his soul underneath... just begging to be loved. He wants so much and his body just can't keep up all the time and he gets so confused by some things. As I pray sometimes, tears pouring down my face, asking the Father to help my son I feel so much that I can't describe. It can be so confusing to me to as I look at him and I feel this overwhelming love for him, this pain for his struggles, the physical pain from sometimes getting in the way at the wrong time, and sometimes even anger that the struggle is so hard for all of us. As Alma says – 'Behold I say unto you, I cannot say the smallest part of what I feel.'



I am so blessed to be his mother and I am so grateful for all the lessons that he teaches me and I am grateful for the opportunity to be a mom. But sometimes I am tired and I feel so weary of the struggle that I feel almost too sorry to do anything other than sit and cry. The last few months have been such a trial and pressing on has been sometimes more of a habit than a joy. But then I try to remember:

'Yea, I know that I am nothing; as to my strength I am weak; therefore I will not boast of myself, but I will boast of my God, for in his strength I can do all things; yea, behold, many mighty miracles we have wrought in his land for which we will praise his name forever.'

My family is truly blessed.

1994

“I don't know all the answers but I'll do my best to live up to the rising that won't let me rest” - Jason Deere

The other day I was listening to a radio show while driving to an appointment that discusses current topics and situations over the globe. I was listening while they talked about the situation in Darfur. Over the last few years I wished I could do something about it, anything.... just as long as it would help someone. But I have allowed my life and my problems to keep me distracted. I have allowed my life to pull me along and whisper softly in my ear - “ You are too busy..., You need help...,You have so much to do...., You cannot survive if you try to do more..., etc...” So I pray for these people... and I do nothing. While some would say that a prayer is better than nothing, a prayer rarely feed the starving and saves the malnourished. It rarely stands as a shield in front of the gun and the knife of a person fills with hatred, ignorance, and free agency. I had kidded myself or at least convinced myself that I was doing all that I could. But then I listened to this radio program.

I listened to these beautiful women talk about a world of people like me. People who allow bad things to happen and do nothing. People who even in small ways could have done something and still do nothing. I will admit that the more I listened the more I felt the hot prickles of shame. I pulled over to the side of the road and just sat there and cried. My own problems, the problems that I feel are so overwhelming, painful and so difficult that I can't get past them seemed so small... so insignificant... and yes, even the big ones seemed almost petty.

Then one of the women mentioned the Rwandan massacre. She mentioned that she didn't know it was going on at the time it happened because she was young and 'busy'. So she did nothing because she knew nothing- not one inkling that it was going on. She then mentioned that she hadn't been busy with anything really important in 1994. And for a brief moment I could not breath. I had always thought that this massacre happened when I was a baby or a young girl. As a historian (OK, I only pretend to be a historian), I have focused so much on prehistory, the beginnings of history and then the beginning of medieval times. I have focused on certain countries and certain people and the things that have caught my fancy. My history knowledge mostly ends at WWII. Yes, I can name US presidents and some of what each of them have done. I can mention some stuff like the Cold War and the Berlin Wall and can converse on a semi- intelligent and informed basis on them. That's about it though. But I was an adult in 1994. I was graduating from high school and finding a place to live. I was ditching school, getting good grades, performing in theater both in and out of school, and desperately trying to hold myself together. I was working three jobs, trying to control the anger and sorrow I felt towards my parents and my upbringing. I had met my future husband and was embarking on a career path that would change my life. And at the same time, approx 800,000 people were dying- hacked to death. And I knew nothing and I did nothing. For over one million people, that was a year that cannot be forgotten. They lost their family, their health, their security and their lives. It is estimated that twenty percent of the population died. What would it have been like to be part of the other eighty percent? I can't fathom. I sit here and write this and try... and I just can't. Not knowing seems like such a lousy excuse for failing to do something...even something small. But I cannot blame myself alone. Almost no one did anything to stop this. I am an American. I have been told by my media and by my church so many times that I live in God's favored land... that I am so blessed to live in the best country in the world. That we are a superpower and the “world's policemen” and yet... we did nothing. Nothing at all.

For the last several years, I have believed in a quote I heard in some of my early medical education classes – 'With knowledge comes responsibility'. Well, I can do nothing about what happened in Rwanda. But I am alive now. I have hands that are strong and willing to work... and Darfur is still happening. So far, almost 3 million people have died. People are dying daily from sickness, malnutrition, trauma. And it appears in some ways that they are the lucky ones. They no longer have to worry about seeing their children kills in front of their eyes. They no longer have to fear rape and pain. They no longer have to fear death. Those who are still alive and pray probably ask for many things... I wonder if they pray for the opportunity to live for another day. This conflict began in 2003 and is still going on.... Almost half a million people are displaced and driven from their homes with no where to go.

I drove to my appointment, completed it, and returned to my car. I made a promise to myself and Heavenly Father that I would do something. I have a family, a son who needs me and no money. My health is also shaky. Coming up with something I could do that would be meaningful- even if it was only meaningful to the Father and me in the sense that my contribution would be too small to make a difference on its own. It would be meaningful because I made it... because I did something... and because if enough of us did something, it would make a difference. So what could I do?

I started hunting in my spare moments. My blackberry never seemed to leave my hand. It followed me to the bathroom, to the dinner table... frankly I was hard pressed to put it down while driving. But here is what I found.

1. China is a business partner with Sudan. Because of this relationship, the UN Security Council is unable to pass any resolution that actually causes Sudan hardship- China will not allow it.

2. The leaders of the countries in this world have a lousy notion of sovereignty (usually defined as the idea that a country can do whatever it wants within its own borders. That notion can clearly be allowed to go too far.

So, I decided to try and not buy anything made in China. I doubt anyone will notice. I have noticed because it has already caused me some problems. I was just getting ready to purchased some plastic storage bins and a filing cabinet. I can't- I cannot seem to find any anywhere in this country that have not been made in China. Reading packaging on things that are not food is a new tasks for me. But I am determined to figure it out. Do I think that I will be perfect at this? No. I am sure that I will make compromises for something that I truly feel we need and can't find anywhere else. But I am determined. It doesn't feel like enough, but I think it is a start...

If you have read this post, you now have the knowledge. With knowledge comes responsibility. We as a human race but also Heavenly Father's beloved children have a responsibility, nae, an obligation to do something! What will you do?

Pioneer Day - July 24

On July 24th, Mormons celebrate Pioneer Day. It is an important holiday for my church as well celebrate and remember the sacrifices of the people who came before us. Those thousands of individuals and families who left their homes- whether from persecution in Missouri, Illinois, or their homes in other countries to join the saints in Salt Lake- with a dream and a purpose: to live and worship freely and without fear. (sounds a little like the beginning of the history of the United States, doesn't it?)

I was born into a Mormon family, grew up as a Mormon and pretty much always able to be surrounded by Mormons until I got married and moved to the East Coast. On the West Coast, Mormons celebrate by wearing lots of clothing and parading around in the heat and when the children complain, they are told that the pioneers suffered for days on end the same way and it isn't meant to be 'fun'- we are meant to remember. But what we are meant to remember seems to be foolish in some regards as I grow up. Suffering for a few hours like our ancestors seems to me to not teach us the lesson that is most appropriate. Yes, we learned that they suffered and times were tough. We learned that they were persecuted and treated poorly for what they believed and how they lived.

But these lessons will fade because they are not the most important lesson we should be teaching to ourselves and the next generation. Yes, we will still revere and respect our ancestors and enjoy the stories of them... but life as we age/grow will teach us suffering. We will learn that times now are tough- even if the some of the challenges we face are different. Some of us will learn that our ancestors were not perfect and some even persecuted other innocent people. Some will learn that we still do it in some places where more qualified non-members are not given jobs because they are given to less qualified 'faithful'. (If anyone wonders why there are very few people in Utah that have a neutral opinion of the Mormon church that one example might cue you in.) While the lessons that we should learn and teach our children are the lessons of strength and bravery in the face of the unknown.... the faith to follow your convictions and your heart no matter where it leads you... the confidence in each individuals great worth and the courage to fight and continue in the face of great doubt or even when you realize that you have no choice... but to continue in happiness and faith. That is the lesson that we should be teaching and we need to know for ourselves. It is not an easy or superficial lesson- but it is the most important lesson that we can learn in this life.... and as a Mormon I am grateful to have the ancestry to look back on to remember and ponder these lessons. As a historian and a human, I have thousands of years of collective history to look over and learn from... and almost all roads lead back to these basic lessons.

So many Mormons these days celebrate their pioneer heritage with a few hours of suffering or playacting and the rest of the year with conformity and silence. They do not voice their doubts, fears or concerns about the church or church culture for fear of dishonoring their family and their ancestors (and in turn, their sacrifice.) In my opinion, our ancestor's sacrifice is dishonored by ignoring their example. The lessons that they have given us- sealed by their sweat, toil, tears, songs, and their entire lives and how they lived them... we waste and disregard them by not living up to them. So this special day, this pioneer's day, take a moment to remember the real reason we should celebrate and feel grateful for our heritage. Not that they suffered and died... but that they gave us lessons, examples, and their dreams and hopes to live on in us. Please let us not fail them! Be a modern day pioneer. Do not meekly submit to authority- even to the authority of the church when our ancestors took over a year in travel and struggle and tears to follow their dream and their beliefs and to try and make the world a better place by defying authority. Before you accept doctrines and belief, pray and fast and get revelation that it is right to do so. For I believe, that is what your ancestors would have you do.

PS: I am aware that these thoughts will be offensive to some, but our ancestors defied authority so that they could also practice a form of marriage that is considered unacceptable to many today (including Mormons). Before you decide that you are sure that Heavenly Father hates homosexuals, their families, and their children and they should not have rights because the church tells use that homosexuality is wrong, please pray and do not take that answer solely for granted simply because the church says so. People around the world are dying because they feel unaccepted and Mormons are too. Equal rights is something our ancestors wanted -to be able to live by their beliefs. Joseph Smith said that we respect others beliefs. Please.... this is a matter of life and death. Please think on it... Please.

Seven Days Left....

In just a week I head back to Brooklin. I have accomplished quite a few things since I left to try and get my head screwed on again... some of which might not be considered accomplishments by a few people, but ya got to have some fun...right?

Anyway, here is what I have accomplished:

1. I am sleeping again and for the most part I am sleeping straight through the night.
2. I have seen a few films and had a few laughs.
3. I have worked at purchasing homeschooling supplies for Bug including French language books.
4. I have dyed my hair temporarily red/purple which looks pretty awesome and I have purchased a few more pieces of body jewelry to have a little fun with my piercings.
5. I have done my 'homework' faithfully with very few slip ups and my brain is feeling a lot less close to 'emotional bankruptcy'.
6. I made a list of goals for my future and have attempted to start them and break them into the smaller parts to complete them.
7. I finished the paperwork that the school needed so I can go to school this fall.
8. I just feel better and I have gained some weight.

So I have a week to finish up. I still have some work to do and will have for quite a while, but I think that I am finally on track. Finally! I promise not to waste the good and useful time I have left. I will continue to eat well and work. And I will also continue to have fun and rest so I come home refreshed and ready for the big work ahead. I miss my family and I am ready to be back!

French, Anyone?

I have decided to make an attempt to learn French. I need to stress that this will be a tiny attempt. In my short past, I have found the attempt to learn a language to be something that is an impossibility to me- like math. No matter how hard I try, I have not been successful. Its almost like I have a mental block that tells me I can't do it... so therefore I live up to that idea and I am truly unable to do it. I feel a little uncomfortable with that idea though; the idea that something that is perfectly possible in impossible for me. I am intelligent, kind, motivated, and determined. There is no rational reason that I can come up with that I cannot learn a language. And I loved my time in Paris and I am interested in moving to Canada... so...

Today I will try! I pledge to give five minutes at least four days a week to this goal. Not so much that I feel pressured, but enough to remind me of my goal and to learn a word and how to use it. And if I am really good... I will try to stick to appropriate words, although that doesn't sound like as much fun! :o)

So, if I want to try and do this without the help of my family because I am hoping it will be a pleasant surprise, does anybody else know of any good resources for learning the language? If you have learned a language before, what helped you the most? And please, what was not helpful to you? What advice would you give me?

A True Friend - Sarah Drew 1920-2010

Everyone in their lives hopes to find a true friend. Someone to laugh with, cry with, and that they can trust to care for them. A true friend who sometimes puts your feelings before theirs when its important and right and who works to help you in your endeavors… and allows you to help them with their needs.

Finding a friend like that in my life has been difficult (as I assume that it is for so many people.) Now that I am 35, I think that I have found five in my entire life. Two are childhood friends that are now almost acquaintances because we live so far apart and our lives are so crazy…yet I truly believe that one (if not both) of them would come to help me at a moments notice if I really needed it. Heck, some of the people that I know who live within ten minutes would not do the same for my family and I am aware of it. True caring and sacrifice are hard to find. My third gem (Katey) lived near me for a few years, but circumstances in her life have changed for the next few years... and so we live as far apart as possible almost and still claim to be in the same country. Yet she keeps in touch and does everything that she can think of to help me and my family. She is honest and kind and intelligent… so much that I just cannot put into words and really captures her true essence. The fourth mention is a friend that I just lost. Both of us were unable to live up to the ideals that a true friend needs. While a large part of me is sorry and grieves for this friendship still… a small part of me is glad that the friendship cannot ever really be repaired. After all, the betrayal could have gotten much worse and even more painful. I guess it is better to know sooner rather than later. (Am I allowed to wish I had been warned a few years ago…?)

The fifth friend I just lost to death. I cannot pretend that I was not aware that our separation by death was more likely than some friendships as Sarah Barter Drew was over 50 years older than me. We were brought together by a nice trick and her friendship these last seven years has meant the world to me. I feel so many emotions that my grief will probably take a long time to process and to be able to move on with living without feeling constant sorrow for my loss.

I met Sarah through the missionaries. Sarah Drew has a niece who is a member of the LDS church. When Sarah went to visit her niece over seven years ago, her niece took her to the church building with her as she needed to clean the building- the ward she belongs to uses different volunteers every week to keep the church clean and ready to use. Later, Sarah told me that the good feelings and the Spirit that she felt just sitting in the building were so strong and so powerful that she asked to have the missionaries visit her. She lived about four hours away from her niece and so she ended up seeing the missionaries in my area. After a few visits and lessons, Sarah decided to attend church. However, being 83 years old with medical problems, Sarah could not get there herself and due to church rules, the missionaries couldn’t take her to church. Elder Birtenshaw called several members of the ward in our area attempting to get her a ride to church and he was unsuccessful. He prayed and decided that even though I had problems and wasn’t getting the help or support I needed at church, he thought he was supposed to ask me to take her for one Sunday. He called and begged for me to agree to take her for “just that one week, no more” and he would make sure she had a ride next week. So that Sunday, I drove over and met Sarah Drew for the first time. We hit it off almost right away. I felt that I had found a kindred soul and by the time I took her home, I agreed to take her to church any week that I was attending (That was a good thing and a very inspired call by the missionaries because if I did need to find a ride for her when I wasn’t attending church, I was rarely able to find anyone and most often was told it was my responsibility. The elders told me later that they had hoped that the inspiration would ‘convince’ me to do it more then once as they did despair of finding anyone to take her –hence my wording ‘nice trick’.)

The next few years we became closer. She learned more about my family circumstances and was always ready with great advice. She was always ready to give me a hug or just listen to my concerns. When people at church would say rude and slanderous things about me at church in front of her expecting a common ally… they soon discovered to their cost that she was unwilling to hear anything like that without correcting it loudly and bluntly. She always asked over my son Bug and she always remembered him and my family for all holidays. He without fail received valentines, birthday cards, Christmas gifts and even the occasional fresh homemade dinner at her house. She loved to watch Bug tuck himself into her bed and she loved to watch his energy and his joy. She worried over my stress level and her concern over my emotional state and needs. She was a true loyal friend who I could depend on for almost anything. Several times, she bemoaned the fact that she was too old to be able to babysit and help me and my family with things such as babysitting. And she was a wonderful and beautiful grandmother to my son who loved her very, very much.

A few years ago, my husband and I started building a house. I was so excited and was also hopeful that we could get the house completed soon enough to be able to help Sarah. She was living in an apartment, but I knew that she was on borrowed time. Her frailty was becoming more apparent and her eyesight was slowly disappearing… but I guess that it wasn’t meant to be. Our house has slowly struggled or stalled over the last four years. Soon Sarah fell and was hurt enough that she ended up going to a nursing home. Even now, my house is still not finished. Her health continued to deteriorate and in November 2009, she fell and broke her hip. Sarah wasn’t able to recover from that and her death came mercifully on April 5th, 2010.

Sarah is a beautiful and tolerance person who is loyal and loving. She was a hard worker, smart as they come, and a tireless advocate for justice and fair play. She is courageous, determined, and patient. And because of these qualities I didn’t get to see her for the last few weeks of her life. Because I was embarrassed and didn’t want to tell her the family problems that I was having. So instead I avoided her and kept telling myself that she was doing OK. I will always regret that pathetic decision. She was my very best friend, a friend at the time that I was suffering the pain, embarrassment and confusion of losing a different friend. Sarah, I will miss you more than I can ever express and I am sorry for my frailty in your last months. I hope that you will be able to forgive me and I hope to see you again and apologize in person when I too cross the veil. Thank you for everything. Thank you for you!



Here is a link to her obituary - http://fenceviewer.com/site/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=31855:Sarah%20B.%20Drew&catid=969:obituaries&Itemid=142g