Manic...

I fond myself really struggling to sit in Sacrament meeting a few weeks ago and I tried to write down my thoughts in an attempt to acknowledge and understand them. I do not think I did find understanding after all, but I did manage to get through the meeting and as I read over my thoughts and words, I do have much to think about. I figured that I would share. Do any of my friends feel like this sometimes?

I think that I am a little manic today. Not really sure and until I understand myself better and my emotions/energy I probably will not be able to. I am not even convinced that I have used the word 'manic' correctly- I have no diagnosis or firm knowledge base in which I use it. It was the phrase that leaps to my mind as I sit in the pew trying to analyze this feeling in my body that is almost overwhelming and feels pretty urgent. I am sitting, but I feel my limbs twitch slightly... hopeful for movement. Even my foot, my injured foot wearing a ridiculous ugly boot- is trying to move, subtly flexing. If I am honest, I feel like jumping up from my pew and going home- not due to church, my testimony or even feelings of disobedience- but to cook and then to run. The urge to take off the boot, leap onto the treadmill and to run.... just run, listening to Rob Thomas's voice filling the air and just pushing my body until it can do no more. However, now is not the time... It is the time for Sacrament meeting... so I sit.

Interestingly, my mind is slower. Thoughts are not screaming and racing through it. It's almost like my brain feels the exuberance in the rest of my vessel and feels too tired to even contemplate using more energy on thought. The only thing I know is that I feel terribly exhausted and at the same time, terribly energized and like a rabbit feeling the watchful eyes of the hawk... ready to run, but not sure if it should nor where it would go. So I am still sitting and I find myself twitching and breathing quickly.... and trying to focus on not moving. (What kind of an example would I be for any of the adorable kids that I teach if I jump up and make a fuss in the meeting? What kind of example would I be to myself actually :) And so I am scribbling... trying to understand these strange feelings coursing through my muscles while my brain is trying to listen to the speakers themselves. And, funnily enough, the more I sit and write, the more I feel like I can actually hear what is being said... the more I can endure

And so the meeting ends... and I have many pages of doodles and this page of words. I made it! My feelings haven't changed, but I have made it. I managed to stay sitting and look attentive even as my body yearned for freedom. And now it can have it! Off to the nursery I go to jump and sing and play.... Hooray! :)

2012 Poetry Corner #1 : New Views

A heavy heart is quite a burden
More than a barrow of rocks
It does no good
Only extends the grief
And makes it hard to breathe









To lighten the burden is just as hard
The task is great and daunting
But good will come
The grief will end
And growth will begin again





So surely it's best to let it go
Even though both choices feel just as hard
For one will show
An ending sweet
The other- a grief observed....

2011 Poetry Corner # 3 : The Journey of Recovery

Why so many challenges
I think as I fall
The fall doesn't hurt
The impact breaks all

I struggle to stand
The earth starts to shift
My heart feels torn
My mind feels adrift

How to recover – I do not know
This massive pain
Will it help me grow?

As I recover and life goes on...
Will I feel safe?
Will I ever feel strong?

I will stand up and try to pray
To think nice thoughts throughout the day
And watch for the light that shows the way
To charity, to life, to love secure
All I need is to but endure.

Today's Activities and Introspection

Today, I spent a few hours out in the sun. Spring is really finally here! While this spring is different than other springs here, I have become determined to press forward and not just let everything at home go because I feel jumbled and scared and just hesitant to do anything- I wish I was more hesitant in my thoughts... they just seem to go everywhere and I am having a hard time keeping them upbeat these days.

So, when I was able to this morning, I headed outside. I stood for a few minutes with my eyes closed and just enjoyed the sun... feeling the rays and the warmth and the slight breeze. Then I took a deep breath and got to work. Instead of gardening this year and trying to full scale farm I figure that I should just try to clean things up and try really hard to get the property ready for next year and if I am lucky, I will be able to work it next year. So to start, I brought Casey out so that he could keep me company and eat the fresh growing grass and clover. He seemed to have a great time and was quite round in the belly a few hours later when I returned him to his yard. And while he ate I chattered at him, prayed out loud and filled small bags with whatever detritus I could find. I filled boxes with kindling, pulled up and moved stock paneling from the tightly woven grass holding it to the ground. I shuffled my feet through the long grass and filled a few bags with fence parts that I couldn't see but I could feel with my bare feet. It wasn't much and only a few hours of work... and I should have been doing school work. Then I left and mowed a few lawns for some elderly people who can't do it for themselves and had a friend spoil me and take me out to dinner. But I found a few things in my mind while I was working in my yard that were interesting revelations to me.

One was the sorrow of picking up the miscellaneous debris- I was surprised to feel myself crying. I finished what I accomplished with a sense of a job well done, but while I was doing it I thought of so many things. Things like my dreams are like all of the detritus laying on the ground- all broken and shattered and I feel like I am losing everything. I feel like no matter how good I have been or how much I have tried it is all useless... and all that's left is to pick up the pieces that are left and throw them away. I am not even sure that I will still have left which is me is really worth much anymore. Everything feels too broken, the nightmares are driving me mad, and I will admit that when you realize that you are just starting to ignore the chest pain because it is coming so constantly and consistently... I think that is a problem. I wonder if there are some hurts that just go too deeply to heal. And yet, I felt satisfied and relatively happy as for a few hours I held the world an arm's length away and picked up trash and just thought about things. I thought about fence building and how to survive through this next year. I was even silly enough to imagine having myself in enough shape that I gardened next year, and raised a pig or two and got a companion for Casey would would really like one.

I also thought about how alone I feel and my desire to hide from almost anything and anyone these days- friend or foe. I think it is safe to say that this confusion and depression that seems to have settled into my soul will walk many more miles with me... I have no idea how to shake it off. I have even stopped going to counseling- it just doesn't seem very worthwhile. It feels almost like I am surrounded by dementors and I want to fight them and make them go away, but I have no wand... I am no wizard... and I am too weary to even try and conjure up the words of the spell. And yet... I am blessed. I have many friends and family who care and worry for me. I think people would do more if I let them, but instead I hide and pretend that everything is OK to almost anyone and I don't talk about these things to almost anyone. I wonder who I think I am kidding... I know that someday I will feel better- at least I hope I do. These last few years have been pretty horrible. I am working to think good thoughts and read my scriptures because I do not think that Heavenly Father has abandoned me and in many ways, I am sorry for the sorrow that he is feeling over this situation. I know he is looking after me in my trials.

So I am headed to bed after this long day. My head is full, my heart is heavy and the feeling of peace I had earlier is gone. And to add a funny note to the day, I burned my back something terrible from my time outside. (A good lesson for people like me who are OK with being immodest when no one is watching... if I had been wearing a shirt I wouldn't have had that problem.) But I think the time that I spend outside, working and thinking and really being introspective was well spent. So many of my earthy brothers and sisters share the same trial in their future (or their past) as I struggle to face now. I hope that I will be successful in enduring and doing what my Father would have me do. And on a short term note... I hope I sleep tonight! :)

Fear and Trust....

I am not even sure where to start with my thoughts this evening. If I was a better writer I could have a punchy beginning and all sorts of neat stuff like that, but I don't think that I am capable of that. I think that I have a lot of learning to go... on so many levels.

Over the last few months, I think that I have really tried to figure a few things out in my mind. I will not pretend that I have any answers even though I swear I have been trying in the ways that I can to discover the answers that I seek and for the most part I have simply felt more alone and scared and even a little frustrated and impulsive to a point that controlling myself has taken every molecule of strength that I possess... and I am not sure that I have the energy to fight any more. I think that some of this is the gluten talking- the pain, discomfort and sickness that comes with a gluten exposure tends to leave me weak and emotionally unstable as well as physically weak and broken. One slightly wrong step after a gluten exposure and my ankle can be twisted and hurt for hours or too much movement can cause nausea, vomiting and all sorts of uncomfortable problems including vertigo. But I can't blame all of my current feelings on a gluten exposure- I have been feeling many of them for a while now. I think that the two biggest problems that I am feeling now are do to an imbalance of mental and physical homeostasis. I am feeling way too much fear and my level of trust towards almost any human being is pretty non existent at the moment.

In so many ways I am being unfair. I am feeling a lack of trust towards everyone even though I can rationally tell myself that most individuals have done nothing to earn my concern and my fear. And I feel my fear in my dreams and it always seems like fear is lurking quietly behind my eyes, my thought and everywhere I go. Even the fact that I realize I am so fearful scares me – what an irony. ; ) I have always prided myself that I try to be so understanding and tolerant of others. I feel like I easily love and give to others, but I recognize that I cannot give true love if I am full of fear nor can I receive it. And it will be impossible for me to trust anyone if I cannot stop feeling so much fear. I recognize that one struggle I am having is that I no longer trust Heavenly Father completely. Nothing that is happening in my life right now is his fault, but I almost feel that opening myself up to him is too open. I feel like closing myself off from everyone and everything is the only way to try and avoid more pain and I just don't feel like I can take any more. The funny thing is that I think the pain will get worse if I do not find a way to force myself out of the figurative plastic wall I am building around myself, my mind and my heart- even though the wall feels a little like sanctuary. A scripture that I read today really has been sticking in my mind and my thoughts over the afternoon:

There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love. (1 John 4:18)

I so desperately do not want to feel fear anymore... or at least not as powerfully and constantly as I do. And I want to trust people again- especially people who are worthy of trust and there are many. It's funny that I feel so alone, but surrounded by so many who want to help and they can't … because I have shut them out. The scripture is right as I can tell you- fear is torment; a punishment that I would like to stop heaping onto my head and my spirit. However, I don't know how to let the fear go. As much as I hate it and wish for it to be gone, I feel myself holding it close... almost like Gollum feverishly struggling to hold and almost worship his 'precious' and his own downfall. Fear in some ways is the only emotion I trust anymore. Will it pull me do to the depths of despair and hell? That I do not know... only time will tell. I pray that I find a way to move past my fear and my distrust before it consumes me. I pray for the ability to keep fighting even when I feel to weary to do so any more. I think of another verse from John and wonder if it might be a part of my answer. I hope so. It is a nice answer. :)

No man hath seen God at any time. If we love one another, God dwelleth in us, and his love is perfected in us. (1 John 4:12)

Counting Blessings...

One of the truly blessed things about the trials that Heavenly Father gives us and others is that not only are we able to learn, but I have found that sometimes a blessing in disguise comes to the foreground in my own life. We all have discovered this a few times in our lives I am sure. We discover the blessing of a nose when we get sick and it is constantly runny- very rarely do we thank the Father for our wonderful nose nor do we really remember it is there unless there is something wrong with it. And there are so many of those blessings in all of our lives. The blessings of kidney and liver function, of laughter...of breathing.

Last night, I was given some great news as I found that a relative is out of prison and back home. His problems have weighed heavily on my mind over the last few years. As I thanked my Father in prayer, I recognized that while my relative is no longer in prison, he is now on 'house arrest'. While I find that much better, being trapped in the house can also be seen as a large burden. While I sometimes wake up in the morning and feel tired and 'growly' that I 'have' to go out, the blessing is found in the realization that I can go out... I really can! So while I am out volunteering today, passing out food and trying to give advice and cheer... I am thankful that no matter how tired or grumpy or sad... Or even happy and hyper... I have the ability to do what I feel I need to do without the limitations that some others have to deal with in their lives.

It's a blessed day!

2011 Poetry Corner #1: The Storm

The water glides rippling past my toes
As the wind rages, the ripples become chops
Almost violent and angry

And while the world sways and rages around me
I sit- a silent spectator …
Waiting for the wave that will come
And rejoicing in the storm that is outside me
… and not inside.

Today...

1. I did a good deed and helped feed over 300 people.
2. I shared a hug and a birthday wish with a friend.
3. I finished some history homework and I am almost caught up from being sick.
4. I only almost cried once.
5. I shared a nice moment this evening looking at the stars with my husband... and we move forward..?
6. I made Val laugh- a herculean task!
7. I had a good dinner with a surprise dessert from my husband- g/f blueberry pie :)
8. I am warm, safe and not feeling too stressed.
9. I am truly blessed to have such good family, good friends, and the strength to deal with my challenges.
10. I know longer think of my challenges and secrets every second of the day and can find joy... at least it is becoming easier.
Today... was a great day!

Migraines and Women

This week in class we studied three neurological disorders extremely common to women; migraine, Alzheimer's disorder and multiple sclerosis. I wanted to take the time to discuss the basics of migraines but also share a small autobiography from an old school friend who still suffers from migraines. I feel like unless you have truly suffered from migraines (or as my friend mentions sensory disorders and/or autism) you can have no idea what it truly is like and a definition will never been able to truly communicate that information to you. I have only had two migraines in my life and I wouldn't wish them on another living soul. I hope this information is not only informative to others, but also a forum for others to share their experiences as well for the education of my readers.

Migraines can be describes simply as a bad headache- however, that simple explanation really doesn't describe the scope, pain or symptoms of this disorder. A migraine can usually be divided into five separate phases called 'prodrome', 'aura', 'headache proper', 'headache termination', and 'postdrome'. While not every migraine sufferer will go through all five of these phases for every migraine, all migraines will usually have a few of these components. Migraines can also be divided into two types- migraines with 'aura' and migraines without. Symptoms of a migraine attack coming can happen a few hours or even days before the onset of the 'headache' and symptoms are not limited to, but can include irritation, euphoria, depression of affect/mood, intolerance of smell or sound that would usually be acceptable, aura, throbbing, pulse-like or pressure-like pain, as well as nausea and vomiting. It can be brought on by such things as inappropriate sleep, hormonal changes or menstruation, fasting, specific foods, environmental factors, possibly stress and even smoking or alcohol.

Some treatments include light medication such as over the counter pain relievers for mild symptoms as well as caffeine. For migraines that are not as mild, there are some pharmaceutical options that can be given orally, subcutaneously, or intra-nasally that have been shown to help. The most commonly used medications depending on symptoms and patient tolerance include Sumatriptan, DHE, anti-nausea medications, opiates, beta blockers, anti-epileptics, hormones such as estrogen and more. Other individuals use chiropractors, massage and acupuncture to control migraine symptoms.

I also got a pretty good biography from a friend -Renee Wrede- about her history and life dealing with migraines. I asked her specifically because I knew that at least for a while she was having them very frequently. What she wrote is a little long and is only lightly edited for spelling.

My hx of migraines
I started to noticed my headaches when I was little - about age 11. I remember pressing the side of my face against the cold window on the school-bus on the way home to relieve some of the hot throbbing pain around my eye/temple area. My family would tell me to lay down with a cool washcloth - but that didn't seem to help. Sleep and pain meds at the time offered limited relief. My PCP at the time told me that I would "grow out of it" - and seem to doubt my headaches - the sensitivity to light, sounds, touch, smell.

At age 13 I had a new doctor who first used the term "migraine" - he was able to describe my pain in detail - it was very validating. By this time I was experiencing weekly migraines and my family did not seem to believe me. By then we had noticed that cocoa triggered my migraines.

My new doctor prescribed a new upcoming pain med at the time (can't spell it) Toridol? It provided little to no relief.

I continued to experienced horrible migraines throughout school - if caught soon enough I was able to tame it down to where I could still function.

In April 2006 when my neck was broke while working with a teenage client my migraines went into overdrive. I struggled with the pain of the undiagnosed break and the migraines that seem to be a result of the break. Days went by without any relief - I was apply ice to the base of my neck as well as my head and face. I received burns for the cold on various parts of my head because covered ice packs were never "cold enough" so I opted to placing ice packs/bags of ice/frozen veggies/frozen juice cans directly on the point of pain.

I went to ER 2 -3 times a week - which eventually labeled me as "drug seeking" - although my tests always came out negative. I was diagnosed with a "mood disorder" because my pain affected my mood and my ability to work/focus/eat/socialize, etc.

8 months after the break the pain of the break had decreased but the migraines were ongoing. By now my migraines always included limited to no vision in my left eye. Black dots or white shimmering "diamond" images danced around my left vision moments before the pain began. I begged to be referred by a Neurologist - Dr. Good enough.
It was Dr. Goodenough who discovered the fracture in my neck. He also encouraged me to record my headaches and pains.

This was very informative - and helped me identify the migraines from the sinus headaches. It also helped me to identify that my hormones play a HUGE part in my migraines - they appear to cycle around my cycle. And Dr. Goodenough prescribed a daily med Topamax to prevent the migraines as well as a Relapax for when the Monster Migraines attacked. It seem to work - my migraines decreased from daily to 14 a month. Pretty good at that time.

I think my stress level, my physical and mental health continues to play a role in my migraines. I am still triggered by smells and cocoa. Now I experience 2-3 migraines a month. Did I mention that I often throw up when I have a migraine - this was particularly painful in 2006 while my neck was healing.

Despite the pain - it often amazes me how all my senses are brought to a new level - I remember laying on the floor in the dark ER bathroom - the only place that sheltered me of the light, limited smells, and muffled the sounds of the ER - and while I groaned with the frozen peas to my head I thought "I can smell bacon - they must be cooking bacon - God I want to throw up and die!" (They were in fact cooking bacon one floor below!) This is what I call the "superman affect" of my migraines - my hearing, smell, sight, touch are so enhanced that it's painful - I can only imagine that this might be similar to the term "sensory overload" that we often use with children an autism diagnoses. It's intense and it's hell.

I think one friend described migraines best when she said "At first you're in so much pain that you fear dying. Finally near the end you're in so much pain that you fear that you'll never die!"

After the break in 2006 - after the mood disorder and drug seeking labels - I wanted my life to end. The constant pain was too much - I couldn't take it any more. One night at the ER I whispered (I can't speak at a normal level during a migraine) - to the doctor on duty to kill me. "If you care about me - you'll kill me now." The room was dark - my boyfriend stood by my bedside - my connection with friends and family had also been affected by my migraines. The ER doctor laughed (loudly) and seem to take my request as a joke. Little did he know that I had already spoken to family members about custody of my son and possible funeral arrangements.

I can totally understand ending your life when you're in so much pain with no end in sight. I am grateful that a friend suggested Dr. Goodenough - it is frustrating that the ONLY assistance and support I received was from a provider whom I had to seek out. However, now I'm in a better place. Life is good - and I have a hard time believing what life was like 4 short years ago.

If you are reading this and suffer from migraines, please feel free to comment anonymously if you wish. If nothing use, I want to have a better understanding of the problems, but I also want to know how I can help people who are having these problems. Understanding the disorder I think will help. :)

Seven Days Left....

In just a week I head back to Brooklin. I have accomplished quite a few things since I left to try and get my head screwed on again... some of which might not be considered accomplishments by a few people, but ya got to have some fun...right?

Anyway, here is what I have accomplished:

1. I am sleeping again and for the most part I am sleeping straight through the night.
2. I have seen a few films and had a few laughs.
3. I have worked at purchasing homeschooling supplies for Bug including French language books.
4. I have dyed my hair temporarily red/purple which looks pretty awesome and I have purchased a few more pieces of body jewelry to have a little fun with my piercings.
5. I have done my 'homework' faithfully with very few slip ups and my brain is feeling a lot less close to 'emotional bankruptcy'.
6. I made a list of goals for my future and have attempted to start them and break them into the smaller parts to complete them.
7. I finished the paperwork that the school needed so I can go to school this fall.
8. I just feel better and I have gained some weight.

So I have a week to finish up. I still have some work to do and will have for quite a while, but I think that I am finally on track. Finally! I promise not to waste the good and useful time I have left. I will continue to eat well and work. And I will also continue to have fun and rest so I come home refreshed and ready for the big work ahead. I miss my family and I am ready to be back!

Trials and Temptation

(David Lynn)

“Didn't He say he sent us to be tested? Didn't He say the way would not be sure? But didn't He say we could live with Him forevermore, well and whole if we but patiently endure? After the trial we will be blessed, but this life is the test” - The Test by Janice Kapp Perry

The last two months, I have felt tested beyond anything I have ever dealt with in my life. Scarily enough I am finding this harder to deal with than my turbulent adolescence in my parent's home... although I think that is because I didn't expect to be so threatened in my life ever again. However, it has happened and I am unsure what to do. In some ways, I think I feel almost bipolar- my moods change constantly depending on my thoughts which are headed in almost any direction as I try to cope. And trying to deal with the outside forces bombarding my mood and emotions has been almost impossible. In the past when I have needed to try and cope with severe problems, I have been reminded of a Bible verse:

1 Corinthians 10:13 - There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it.

The first time I heard someone describe this Bible verse was in Sunday school and it was misquoted. Many people have shortened this verse to mean that “Heavenly Father will never give you more than you can handle”. Just my opinion, but that is absolute bunk. First of all this verse uses the words “you will not be tempted”. Second, God does not 'give' us the problems that we face- most of those problems come from ourselves as consequences or from other people and their free agency. I know that it can be comforting to smile through our tears and repeat over and over that we can handle it, but it is just false doctrine. The other (and main) reason I think that this statement is bunk is that it tends to be used by others to justify their good fortune- “I am good and that is why I have money... she is bad and that is why she is having problems with money, children, etc...”) By using this justification, it allows people to divide others into 'us' and 'them' and permits them to justify allowing suffering and allows them to feel comfortable either not helping and/or judging.

I can not accept that. I can not accept that some people are poor because they are bad. I can not accept the idea that rich individuals are closer to perfection – not to beat a point into the dust but.... Tiger Woods anyone? And so I find myself frustrated with this platitude and others that seem to mostly justify not doing anything about bad things. I take the scripture verse at face value- Heavenly Father will not allow us to be tempted past our endurance. Trials, however, are different from temptations no matter how you splice it.

I believe that temptations are personal- it may hurt or cause consequences for others, but your sins are your own. Isn't that listed in Article of Faith number 1? Trials, however, are meant to be faced with others. We are on earth so that we can be tested but also to make the test easier for us around us. If we allow ourselves to become so insulated and arrogant that we do not help each other... well, what is left to enjoy in life. If we only help those we love... a lot of people will be left out to struggle alone which is not what our Father intended. We can not allow ourselves to be so self involved that we do not ask ourselves a question – “Is Heavenly Father hoping to use me to ease this burden?”

We can not make it alone- only be helping each other can we hope to make it!