Only Once...

Sacrament meeting had a very interesting effect on me today - I am not sure I was ready for it. I found myself listening happily to the talk when I looked into a different pew and saw a family. Just a simple family listening and trying to help the kids be quiet and as I watched, I absolutely felt my mind change. The longing for that simple experience that this family has every Sunday and takes for granted was so painful and so despairing to my heart that I could no longer hear the speaker... I could only sit and think as I felt the tears run down my face. And the words that came to mind began with “Only once...” And as I sat, here is what came to mind.

Only once have I sat in a Sacrament meeting side by side with my husband- on the day that my son was blessed.

Only once have I really loved- fiercely, romantically, fully. It still burns inside me today and I can't seem to change it... it feels like it will always be there and that I am tied and bound by it. It no longer feels safe.

Only once have I gone to Europe and that trip to Paris with my future husband is a memory that I cherish. Paris was beautiful and wonderful and culturally strange and enticing to me. I would love to do it again.

Only once have I lost a best friend due to their choice and betrayal... in that sense I am lucky as others may have had worse...

Only once have I seen an egg hatch into a tadpole and over time become a small frog.

Only once have I been pregnant... and felt life grow and swell inside me.

Only one have I gone to the temple to do my endowments...

Only once have I married... and after the pain of that forced separation I do not imagine I will do it again.

Only once have I sat with my son in Sacrament meeting since he has been able to sit on his own... I do so wish to do it again.

Only once have I sat in Sacrament meeting with my son and my husband while his girlfriend sat on the other side of him. Later he got his wish and his divorce, but for that moment we sat in church as a family.

Only once have I mourned a soul so strongly who is still living that it felt as if they were dead. And since they are alive I still mourn... I wonder how much longer it will go on.

My mind feels so hurt that I need to focus on getting through the day. I will admit I didn't expect that trial today and feel a little blindsided. These thoughts are so painful to digest right now... I am so grateful that some of them were positive- almost like my optimistic sense was trying to find the small gifts of joy in the despair. Send good thoughts, ok....

A Temple Day

… and one that was amazing I might add! I am so excited to share it!

So last Saturday was set for a branch temple trip. A day that so many people were going to come down and watch a wonderful couple get their endowments and then the whole family would get their sealing. I agreed to come and watch children at the nearby church so that whole families could come and other couples could actually do endowments with each other instead of the more usual (one person stays home watching their children and the other gets to go to the temple.) When I agreed several weeks ago, I didn't really have any idea of the full emotional challenges that I would be hit with this week, but I actually should have known... any trip to the temple is usually preceded by challenges so that I have to really actively and painfully force myself forward and those challenges do not end until I get to the temple... or at least a few hours into the drive. This week was no exception... although I think that the challenges I have faced this week were a bit more than I have ever experienced and they never were truly able to be left behind this visit.

So after some initial difficulty of getting into the church building we got all the children in and set in the nursery and the gym. A few Kindles were passed around and my computer was happily enjoyed for a few games of 'Plants vs Zombies.' The younger ones came into the nursery and we found many toys and fun. I got to officially meet a new member of the ward and for the next few hours I lost myself in the task of watching several children – I think eleven at the highest count. Helpers came and went , but the children were a constant and they gave me so many laughs and so much joy. A few things really stick out about this time.

1. At one point early in the day I was asked a question by one of the sisters that I answered honestly, but with great difficulty. I was able to turn away to hide my distress and I think that I managed to actually hide most of it (I'm not foolish enough to think I hid all of it... I think that sometimes my pain seeps through my pores and is always visible no matter how much I try to smile) The second I turned and closed my eyes I was tackled by a beautiful child named Claire. She wrapped her arms around me in a big hug and gave me a kiss..... and then went back to what she had been doing. I am not sure why she did it, but it meant the world to me. I felt this outpouring of love and care that pushed the tears down brought a genuine smile to my face. I felt more confident and just took a deep breath and dived into the work with most of my soul and not just my body.

2. One of the younger girls asked me to help her use the bathroom. I walked to the bathroom with her and stood outside while she completed her business and when I walked into the room to help her finish, she gave me one of the most wonderful lessons I have ever received from a child. She carefully explained that some boys may look like girls... they might have long hair or wear earrings, but she knew a sure fire way to tell the different. See, girls ALWAYS use toilet paper when they use the toilet, but boys will only use toilet paper when they poop. So, she explained, if I am ever in doubt as to whether someone is a boy or girl... I can follow them to the bathroom and spy to find my answer. (I am still laughing about this!)

3. At one point , I was reading a book called “The Tawny, Scrawny Lion' out loud to a room full of children and one of them came and leaned up close. Her name is Kess and she was so interested and was leaning so close I thought she might climb into my lap at one point. I have never really spent any time with her before so it was nice to get to know her a little better on this trip.

After 2pm, I was able to head up to the temple and do baptisms. And to my surprise, even though I was over 1/2 an hour late and wasn't even sure I could sneak in... they were just starting! So I was able to change and join the group. This was the first time that Kess and her mother had ever been to the temple to do baptisms and I earned something really, really quickly... I am not the only person with severe sensory problems in my branch. The idea of total immersion was clearly fearful and terribly uncomfortable for them both. Both of them managed to do one baptism each and it was an amazing experience to view these brave women, struggling so hard to do something that other people find easy or take for granted. Baptisms used to be very uncomfortable for me with my sensory problems and I have really had to work with my body to make them something I can do and still feel the spirit. At one point when Kess was trying so hard to figure out how to do the baptism through her fear, I realized that I was praying and begging so hard for her to be able to conquer her fear for the few seconds it would take.... and I realized that everyone else was too. All the people waiting in the chapel were standing at the window watching, the men around the font, and the rest of us.... just silently pleading with the Father to help her. And she did it! She managed to do it and I am so grateful to have witnessed such a wonderful and brave act. I was so blessed to be there and I am so grateful for the examples that so many wonderful people give me.

After the baptisms and confirmations we started home. I was riding with some friends and they gave me a tour of Kittery and also took me to see a beautiful lighthouse... (I thought of you, Carolyn, as I looked at it. It was soo beautiful and so familiar... I realized it must be a very famous lighthouse because I think I have seen it on cards and some calendars as well.) Then I stayed over at their house in a wonderful cozy bed and slept better than I have in ages. All in all, an amazing day! Thanks for letting me share it. :)

The Temple

I enjoyed so much my most recent visit to the temple. One thing about the temple is that while every visit is the same (especially if you are unendowed), every visit is so different based on your frame of mind. This visit was a little different because I went for a few different reasons and with a few different thoughts in mind. I felt prompted to go and a chance remark from an acquaintance caused my small and weak prompting to become to become a hard and firm resolve. Even when the typical 'chaos' and negative stuff began in the forty eight hours beforehand (as always happens before the travel and attendance of the temple), my resolve only wavered slightly and never in any permanent way. I felt that the path before me was fixed and I remained resolute in my determination and desire to go.

It was an amazing experience. Some would say that it wasn't much in the sense that after I got to the temple, I just mostly walked around the grounds and thought and cried and wondered and hoped. At one point I was given a great yet uncomfortable insight into a person I used to know and I needed to let go of- I really needed to understand many things. I will not pretend that I understand things better, but I feel differently. Over the last few months my anger has abated and I have looked for peace, direction, and understanding in my life. I am finding peace and a direction that I did not expect but I am attempting to follow. I am trying so hard to allow the direction that I feel impressed upon....sometimes I think I am trying too hard and I want- no need- to go slower, to feel less, to be braver, to lose myself in the opportunities that the Father has provided to me at this point in my life.

One thing that added a bit of humor to the day was the misc chatter of people exiting the temple or walking to their cars while I was walking around. In many ways, I became a moving part of the scenery. People would chat and move around me and carry on their average conversations and it felt a little strange that people carried on average discussions right outside the door. Some started talking on the phone as they walked out the doors. It almost felt like being at the temple was so blaise and so benign that being in the temple and its grounds was 'nothing' and didn't mean much. Now, on one hand, we should behave in the world and in our lives the way we do at the temple- everything and anything should be for our spiritual learning and fulfillment. Here are some of the funny things I heard:


'...and so they ended up divorced and so I was so completely happy...'

'I couldn't remember whether you said the loft or the tower...'

'Well, the ice pack has melted we'll be doing good to get to the church...'

'Are you already for me?'

'...I thought it was just medium... ummm tall, not short. There's no medium?'

'Do you need some more of these sugar free mints?'

'I missed your call because I was in the temple. Did you need anything?'

'Where's Carolyn...?'

'I have to tell you that I am well known for my chocolate eclairs....'

'At least they have take out... (the temple)'

'You might have to sit on your butt.'


Sort of silly huh? I left out the guy who paced outside the doors discussing the ups and downs of the stock market. :) I guess the different conversations on the mundane sounded so strange to me on the temple grounds. So in the end I had a great time and it was worth it. Can I challenge you to go to the temple in the next few weeks? Come back and tell me what you did... and what funny stuff you heard.! I'm waiting.... :)