The Balance Gap

There is no way to really put this except for just being blunt. I have managed to over the last few weeks to lose the balance that I had managed to attain in my life and schedule. (I guess that’s not too bad for a New Year’s resolution is it… ;) So I found myself last night so exhausted and looking over my rapidly growing list of ‘need to do’ as well as adding work and CPR classes around my full time job … well, even that sentence seems to point out the lack of unplanned time. No wonder I am falling behind on so many things! I was reminded that I had lost my balance a few weeks ago, but I have found it challenging to try and change the pattern quickly. Trying to work on rebuilding my nest egg as well as continuing to pay down bills and of course pay the daily expenses has been a bit draining. I am also getting ready to buy a plane ticket to Utah to see my grandfather and they do not tend to be cheap either- although seeing Grandpa Carlile is priceless and well worth the money! So I have managed to lose my balance again as I have let everything creep up on me.

The good thing is that I am starting to actually recognize the problem and so my body is less likely to break down and collapse for long periods of time. As I have come to start and recognize the symptoms and how my body tends to react I have found myself developing coping mechanism and I have managed over the last few years to be willing to give myself permission to just rest… no matter how big the list is of things that need to be completed. I feel a little lazy when I do it, but I have found that I am able to use the rest of the time more productively and I appear to be able to feel healthier for longer periods of time. As finding an even path in my life is challenging and has always been so, the fact that I have clearly worked hard enough to make some serious inroads into my impulsiveness and ‘overdoing’ is wonderful. I’m clearly not perfect, but…… I’m still trying!

What are some of the things that you do to keep your life on a fairly predictable even keel? To help keep your focus and needs in the forefront of your actions? Did they come naturally to you or are they skills you have developed over your lifetime?

Rob and Bug - The Photo Files 2013

So I didn't send out Christmas cards because I was just swamped and a little overwhelmed at the end of last year. And today is a special and a bit of a bittersweet day. So to celebrate and for remembrance, I thought I would take the time to share some pictures of the guys. :)

The ocean is Bug's very favorite spot. He would go there pretty much everyday if he could! :)

Bug totally has my hair and I think he is just too cute... Am I allowed to call a twelve year old cute? :)

Waterfalls are great fun too!

Bug with his father. They have some good times!

This is the 'tree house' at my cabin- It is one of Brock's very favorite places to hang out. I am looking forward to this summer so we can hang out when it is warm. :)


Enjoy. :)

PTSD : The struggle between Homeostasis and Protection

Have I mentioned how much taking the class on “Genocide and Torture” this semester has really been such a blessing? I have known so little about PTSD and other symptoms and consequences of horrific human behavior and I feel like I have learned so much not only about other people, but also about how my body and my brain reacts to things which I have never understood before- at least not very well. I spent some time this week looking at how two specific systems in our body are used to help the body in times of threat and how it returns to its 'normal' state of being. And while doing these readings, it was really interesting to find out how PTSD actually changes the way that these systems function and causes some of the symptoms that cause sufferers of this disorder so many problems.

So the first group we looked at was a part of the nervous system called the sympathetic nervous system. It is actually one of the divisions in the autonomic nervous system. From my past medical days, I would remember what it used to do by reminding myself that the autonomic system controls almost all of our involuntary functions such as cardiac muscle, all smooth muscle in the body and also some of the glands. The sympathetic system is easily remembered (to me anyway) because it is the 'action committee' or it could also be seen as the person who feels sorrow for the hurts of a friend and leaps into action to try and help. “Fight or Flight” is the name of its mission statement per se and so when the body (or the mind) needs or believes it has encountered a threat to the body, the 'committee' leaps into action. Our heart rate gets faster (usually our breathing does too), our body shuts down its 'temporarily' unnecessary organs from normal blood flow to improve circulation to the heart, lungs, brain and muscles and the body also starts to release its reserves of stored energy so that the body has extra strength and zip when needed. There are two key neurotransmitters that are released into the body which help create this response; they are epinephrine and nor-epinephrine. The sympathetic nervous system plays a key role in how individuals can recognize a threat, feel fear and how each person will react and remember responses to future stimulus that I considered threatening.

Another response mechanism that the physical body has is called the Hypothalamic- Pituitary- Adrenal Axis. One of the most amazing things about our bodies is that all physical beings have a need to homeostasis- or keeping everything at a normal level. So when the body reacts to something, the body also has ways to attempt to bring the body back to its normal way of being. These hormones try to restore the body to a proper natural state after the person has experienced stress, fear, etc... So when a person has been under the influence of a 'stressor', the hypothalamus releases a hormone that goes to work on the pituitary gland to release another hormone. That hormone works of the adrenal glands to stimulate another hormone that helps to calm the body and 'turn off' the signals of the high 'stress' hormones and neuro transmitters.

In the average individual, these systems work together really well to help a person deal with a significant threat (or perceived threat) in good ways and then brings the body back to a normal level of function. In someone with PTSD, however, these systems do not always work the way that they were intended. So, the sympathetic system can be turned on over sounds or events that are not currently happening, memories etc... and the body will response as if the threat is clear and present. Other studies had shown that some people with PTSD have challenges with incorporating or being sensitive enough to the hormones that turn the stress response off. So people with these challenges are more likely to be overly stressed often and have more challenges in getting the body calmed down and focused again for their regular tasks and needs. That seems like an extra challenge to be sure!

So, take a few minutes and think.... How does your body react to stress and how well does it call down? If you have PTSD, how do you think your body reacts differently than someone else that does not? What techniques do you use to try and help your body reach a level of calm faster?

Fear and Trust....

I am not even sure where to start with my thoughts this evening. If I was a better writer I could have a punchy beginning and all sorts of neat stuff like that, but I don't think that I am capable of that. I think that I have a lot of learning to go... on so many levels.

Over the last few months, I think that I have really tried to figure a few things out in my mind. I will not pretend that I have any answers even though I swear I have been trying in the ways that I can to discover the answers that I seek and for the most part I have simply felt more alone and scared and even a little frustrated and impulsive to a point that controlling myself has taken every molecule of strength that I possess... and I am not sure that I have the energy to fight any more. I think that some of this is the gluten talking- the pain, discomfort and sickness that comes with a gluten exposure tends to leave me weak and emotionally unstable as well as physically weak and broken. One slightly wrong step after a gluten exposure and my ankle can be twisted and hurt for hours or too much movement can cause nausea, vomiting and all sorts of uncomfortable problems including vertigo. But I can't blame all of my current feelings on a gluten exposure- I have been feeling many of them for a while now. I think that the two biggest problems that I am feeling now are do to an imbalance of mental and physical homeostasis. I am feeling way too much fear and my level of trust towards almost any human being is pretty non existent at the moment.

In so many ways I am being unfair. I am feeling a lack of trust towards everyone even though I can rationally tell myself that most individuals have done nothing to earn my concern and my fear. And I feel my fear in my dreams and it always seems like fear is lurking quietly behind my eyes, my thought and everywhere I go. Even the fact that I realize I am so fearful scares me – what an irony. ; ) I have always prided myself that I try to be so understanding and tolerant of others. I feel like I easily love and give to others, but I recognize that I cannot give true love if I am full of fear nor can I receive it. And it will be impossible for me to trust anyone if I cannot stop feeling so much fear. I recognize that one struggle I am having is that I no longer trust Heavenly Father completely. Nothing that is happening in my life right now is his fault, but I almost feel that opening myself up to him is too open. I feel like closing myself off from everyone and everything is the only way to try and avoid more pain and I just don't feel like I can take any more. The funny thing is that I think the pain will get worse if I do not find a way to force myself out of the figurative plastic wall I am building around myself, my mind and my heart- even though the wall feels a little like sanctuary. A scripture that I read today really has been sticking in my mind and my thoughts over the afternoon:

There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love. (1 John 4:18)

I so desperately do not want to feel fear anymore... or at least not as powerfully and constantly as I do. And I want to trust people again- especially people who are worthy of trust and there are many. It's funny that I feel so alone, but surrounded by so many who want to help and they can't … because I have shut them out. The scripture is right as I can tell you- fear is torment; a punishment that I would like to stop heaping onto my head and my spirit. However, I don't know how to let the fear go. As much as I hate it and wish for it to be gone, I feel myself holding it close... almost like Gollum feverishly struggling to hold and almost worship his 'precious' and his own downfall. Fear in some ways is the only emotion I trust anymore. Will it pull me do to the depths of despair and hell? That I do not know... only time will tell. I pray that I find a way to move past my fear and my distrust before it consumes me. I pray for the ability to keep fighting even when I feel to weary to do so any more. I think of another verse from John and wonder if it might be a part of my answer. I hope so. It is a nice answer. :)

No man hath seen God at any time. If we love one another, God dwelleth in us, and his love is perfected in us. (1 John 4:12)