A Conversation With a Friend

I spoke with an old friend a little bit ago. That conversation has been turning around in my head for days. A small piece of it was the casual sorrow that no one had been availed to dress her partner in his temple garments before he was cremated. I have heard so many stories of people who haven't been allowed to help because other family didn't wish it or even the possibility that so many people were available that some would simply be usable to help due to the quantity of volunteers. I have never heard of a church member passing who was unable to be dressed in his temple garments because there was no one who was willing or able to serve. To say that I am appalled suggests a simple emotional response whereas what I feel is much more complex and difficult. As I ponder on that thought and recall experiences of asking for blessings and being unable to get them because priesthood holders were too busy and watching others ask for help and not able to get it either. It's a bit disheartening to see it still happening. I'm a woman and can not given blessings so I can only watch others not get what they need. I am a woman and am limited in what roles I can have in my church. So here I sit and think about all this and wonder when will change happen. When will the church culture stop pulling people in so many different directions so that important service is unable to be performed or even seen as unimportant while decorating for church activities takes more precedence? When will a ward community itself look into each of their hearts and determine that what they want is not to focus on the minutia of culture details and calling desires, but the pure surrender to service. To set aside perfect sacrament programs and instead make sure that shut ins and those in nursing homes get the Sacrament. To have fewer exclusive events that focus on teaching about service and charity... and instead have events that ARE service and ARE Charity. How amazing would it be it the local organizations that support the most impoverished found themselves with no need of volunteers? That families in need were 'adopted' by other families who helped them to get basic needs met, but also mentored and worked with them to find the resources to become more stable on their own. there are some programs that do this- the program in Canada for Syrian refugees comes to mind- what can we as a community of Christ do to create the same amount of successful service? Instead of 'love bombing' people who start to fall away or shunning and ignoring others, what if our focus was pointed so strongly into understanding their needs and to love them that we lost ourselves in the joy of service and love?

I can't change the direction of a culture myself, but I can determine how I respond in it. My response at this point is to move my service and my focus into local groups that are focused on the impoverished.... something I understand a bit to well for my taste. Working with groups that are focused on trying to understand and meet immediate needs for those in my community has been wonderful and I have been amazed at how valued and needed I have felt and how much I have learned. The more I learn, the more I realize how little I have understood about specific topics and I hunger to learn more. This is the service that I feel called to perform. I can't make others see things the same way that I do, but I must confess that I am weary of hearing the stories of people who are not being served in the religious communities that they worship in and I am weary to think that I was one of them.

Dare I ask for all of us to do better... to be better... to reach out to someone everyday and to be the person they need that day? It is the resolution I have for this year and one I feel compelled and called to do. I have hope for a future where I don't hear so many stories of people who are unable to get the help they need. I intend to work as hard as I can to serve better and to seek out those who need me this year. Here's to a focused New Year for all of us!

The Accidental Adventures of Duck

In my household, we have certain chores set up on the days we spend together as family. Out of all the chores that we perform every weekend, Bug's favorite is cleaning out Duck's cage. Hands down, she has been the hamster that he has loved the most and wants to spoil. In fact, he sometimes brings fruit or veggies for her from the farm he works on and makes sure I have extra pieces of cloth for 'blankies.' He is very insistent on fancy food so that he can give her a huge amount of food and extra peanuts on the side- peanuts are her very favorite food. Within minutes of his arrival on Sundays, Bug is begging to clean her cage. So we settle on the living room floor with her cage between us and I clean the cage while he holds Duck. She is almost two years old so this ritual has played itself out well over 100 times as twice weekly we kneel on the floor with her cage between us and we clean but also play and hug her. Yes, she actually doesn't mind gentle hugs. She is just a good lady.

For the last few years I have reminded Bug that Duck's safety outside the cage when he is playing with her and I am cleaning her cage is his responsibility. It's a very important responsibility as Duck lives in a household of cats. Sometimes I have to remind Bug to be more careful, but usually he is very astute about the dangers and keeps her close and safe. Today, we finally had the problem we have been avoiding. It was partially Brock's fault as he allows Minion to get to close fairly often. Minion always seems so calm and laid back and shows no interest in what is happening during this process. So while I cleaned today, neither Bug nor I thought much of Minion coming over and plopping himself down on the ground near us. I was almost done cleaning when Bug decided to let Duck lean close to Minion so they could check each other out. Before I could reach out, Minion had moved so quickly that in less than a second and laid off, peacefully snoozing cat was on all fours with Duck hanging out of his mouth. Bug screeched and I had grabbed Minion by the scruff. Duck was squeaking and failing about and as I held tight to Minions scruff he dropped her the last few inches onto the floor. And before I could reach out with my other hand to pick her up, Rob was there and Minion was whisked away in a whirl of fur and growls. I quickly enfolded Duck in my hands and moved her back to her cage.

After a few hours of 'rest', I brought her back out of her cage for a thorough examination She appears to have no physical affects from her adventure and didn't seem really bothered by being removed from the cage again today... that seems either very kind of her or too trusting as we have broken that trust today. After a strong talking to and a new set of rules for continued play with Duck in the future, I think we are back on track for our ritual to continue. And yet, something has changed today that can't be ignored. While her cage has never been very interesting before to my feline companions, it clearly has become a new focal point.

All of us survived our adventures today and I am truly grateful. However, the feeling I felt when she was hanging from Minion's teeth is one that felt horrible. I felt fear and pain and as I look at her now in my hand I feel failure and regret. I slipped up and she could have been seriously hurt today. I don't think I'll lose the feelings of fear and the need for hyper-vigilance soon. (My brain keeps hearing the words of 'Mad Eye' Moody - you need to practice constant, unceasing vigilance.) As I said before, I have so much to be grateful for today.

A Short Film Review: Jean-Michel Basquiat "The Radiant Child"

Sometimes a title says more about a film after it is experienced than it expressed before you opened yourself to the knowledge within. Jean-Michel Basquiat was an artist of pure brilliance who not only instinctively seemed to recognize ‘art’ in the differing facets of the world around him, but also understood so much of the human and art history that came before him and allowed that “history (to) walk with me too.” He used many ‘styles’ in his artwork between drawing and painting, graffiti and collage technique, obscured language, and references to other artists in other fields, including biology, archeology, music, etc…

This artist also reminds me of the fact that how we describe people and their work really matters. Think of the images that you conjure in your mind from these descriptive words:

“…terribly young, very ambitious”
“difficult artist”
“sad but so sweet”
“…wild boy”
“Black Picasso”
“…primal expressionism”
“(Were they) in front of new stars… or about to get robbed?”

I find myself quite torn by these phrases for these sentences describe the man I watched painting, smiling… with heightened focus and an independence and creativity of thought that is remarkable. I find myself thinking of the energy and the expressionism of the man… yet these phrases are not commonly used to describe most adults. As the title symbolizes, each of us- his friends, critics and culture describe this vibrant man as a boy…”so sweet, difficult, wild…” These words jar against my ear and my soul and I find myself recognizing the barely veiled racism that Jean Michel dealt with in so much of his life… and the racism inherent in me as I struggle to find the words to describe his work and find my words focus more on the artist and my impressions of him rather than his work itself. Twenty years, later, our culture and each of us is still trying to understand and recognize the way we divide those around us and infantilize African American individuals and culture. As Basquiat found, he became a symbol or representation to the white culture around him of all Black individuals and culture… a stereotype that is fraught with inaccuracies and biases. He too, also recognized the difficulty of critics to critique his work on its own merits… and not his personality. He recognized that no one, including himself, could separate his skin color from his work and he created over 2000 paintings and drawings that covered a wide range of topics including slavery, Black History and racism, poverty, integration, and social commentary.

I found myself both repelled and attracted to his work and as I watched the videos of him painting I found myself drawn to his hand, watching the image change and come to life in front of my eyes. He was so quick and so focused that I found I rarely really understood the image he wanted to create until the completion of his piece. I found myself questioning my views on art creation – How is art defined in my mind and how much does timing and speed of creation factor into my opinions? Why did I want to dismiss his work in the beginning of the biography because it looked like ‘just graffiti’ to me? How did his understanding of history pull me more into his work and create the new admirer I have become? I found I finished this film with a very different image of the artist and his work than I started with only an hour or so previously.

Learning about his life reminded me of a character in Greek mythology named Icarus who also was ambitious, motivated and desired to get the ‘respect he felt he deserved.’ He was always reaching to achieve more and as he reached the heights of youth, fame, and wealth too quickly, his mental wings began to fall apart and the earth lost an amazing thinker and creator too soon at 27 years old. His story is one that I am used to reading in musician or thespian circles (Kurt Cobain, Amy Winehouse, and Heath Ledger come to mind), but not in the clean world I envision art culture to be. His world was uncomfortable so it also didn’t fit into the culture it asked us to look at and think about. I also relate to looking back and feeling embarrassed about my past- thinking about what I should have done differently, etc… In the end his life was so radiant that it encompassed even himself and we can now only look at and try to understand his work and how it speaks to the society around us.

These last two pictures I saw at the Tacoma Art museum recently: "Bird On Money" and "One Million Yen"

pictures from: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jean-Michel_Basquiat, http://www.sankofasofa.com/content/art-and-culture-weapon-jean-michel-basquiat,

Notice

I gave notice at work today. It felt very brave as I do not have another sure fire job lined up and in some ways quiting can be seen as a pretty stupid move without something else in the bag. I must confess the feeling of relief and peace I feel is pretty overwhelming. It's a mark of how bad things are when you tell your boss that you are leaving and his first words are "You can't do that - we love you! What did we do to you..." That is such an interesting way of responding- control, need, and then acknowledgment that the environment is so poor I must be leaving due to poor treatment. And he's not wrong... I am. It took a few hours to really sink in for him and at one point he asked if I was really serious I must be kidding (I'm not). In the end, I tentatively agreed to stay per diem for a few weeks and see how that goes, but I think my heart is already gone. I love Lily and Sara and Toni and Jane- I have some amazing co-workers- but the damaging culture is just too much. The peace I feel with making the decision even though this decision will create more trials for me is profound. I am so grateful for the ability and opportunity to kneel in prayer and discuss my concerns and to feel heard most of the time... even when I do not like the answers. I am not totally sure how I am going to move forward right now... or at least I haven't pinpointed a firm direction and focus. But I am content with my current choice so let's see where it leads me... and celebrate with french fries (doesn't everyone? :D )

On a silly note, I enjoyed my Valentine's day with my kitties very much and there was much love all around. There is much to be thankful for.

Little Things

Isn't is interesting that it is the little things in life that really make this journey worthwhile? Each of us has different ideas of what a 'little thing' is in our lives, but each of us can find something we are grateful for. I found myself dwelling on the idea of little things today and how wonderful they make life... and also confound it. How many times have we found our focus moved to a little thing- a small fluid leak from our cars, a short temporary illness, a small want that isn't fulfilled- in such a way that we are unable to fully and clearly focus on the really big things in our life. Sometimes a little thing is vastly important or becomes so... and sometimes we find that it was truly something that we could have ignored and wasted too much of our limited time on. It really is the little things that can bind and bring us joy.

There is so much ugly in the world and my country right now with so much violence and anger... so much I can do so little about. So today my focus is rest, healing, my son and service.... with a small focus on petting cats... boy I love that!

What are some of the little things that you are focused on right now?

A Nativity Metaphor

One of the things that I love about Christmas time is the varied opportunities to set up nativity scenes with my Bug. He has loved them since he was less than a year old and with fascination would reach towards the animals until one was handed to him. At this point in my life I have three incomplete sets of nativity pieces that with much laughter and smiles are carefully set up next to each other. Every year, the different pieces end up moving around the room as Joseph may be dragged off by a cat or Bug's service dog may casually pick one up when we are not looking and chew it to bits... or they even move when we use the pieces to recreate stories. These stories can be the birth of Christ as told in the Gospel of Luke or can become as varied as the barn scene in "The Last Battle" by C.S. Lewis. Sometimes, we just play farm and feed and tend to the animals that come with these nativity sets- always cows and sheep, but sometimes donkeys, horses, and even camels. Over the years I have worked pretty hard to make sure that my son understands that the nativity story with the animals is a tradition and is fun, but is very much not what the scriptures describe the events of the birth of Christ to be. The nativity tradition, while beautiful and fun, is not scriptural and in some ways seems to take away from the importance and the struggle of the event itself that we Christians celebrate - the birth of our Savior.

This year after Thanksgiving, I happily brought out the nativity sets for setting up. As usual, Bug and I sat down and placed them in the places we wanted. We added real hay and shavings to one of the stables and it always feels wonderful to sit back and look at the different groups. The sets are quite easy to tell apart as one is a Fisher Price plastic set, a hand carved wood set and a paper mache set that was hand painted for me by the young women of my branch a few years ago. I noticed this year that as the pieces began to be moved and scattered around the house, my son clearly had a very different image in his mind as he put them back and by the time that Christmas Day arrived, I had a very different nativity scene to view. So at a terribly early hour of the morning, while everyone else opened presents, I found my eyes and my thoughts drawn back towards the nativity scene in front of me. What I saw was three small smiling babies in the center of a large group which was then surrounded by animals and then the people. In some ways it looked a bit like how I feel about the sun.... the edges are easily seen but looking at the center is too bright, too hard.... too much. After the required present opening and fun, I chatted with Bug about the nativity and some of the same things that I saw as I looked down were emotions and ideas that he had been trying in a small way to suggest. Here are our thoughts:

1. How people picture the Savior can vary greatly on their perspective. His race, skin color, culture, facial expressions, etc... are things that are developed created by each of us and our religious culture. While every single person may see the Savior, his life, and his commandments differently, for those who celebrate his birth and life, we tend to see him as the center of our heart- the nucleus of our living soul. This is where Jesus Christ should be - in our minds and hearts, our thoughts and hopes. In essence, he should be our center and our life should revolve around him and our relationship with him.

2. The animals were set around him as a protection. Animals are pure and live the lives that they have been set to lead on this earth. They are here to live, to teach us, to sometimes feed us and to help us to recognize the divine all around us. As such, most animals will likely recognize the Christ in the flesh before we human beings shall and as each creature recognizes its spiritual heart, they will surround him in joy and protect him from harm.

3. People are on the outside of the circle as we are frail, easily distracted and of skewed perspectives. When we look at pictures of Christ with his mother and images that celebrate his birth, for many the joy is in the rest of the image behind the holy child... the cow in the next stall, the sheep standing next to a shepherd, the donkey tied up nearby. When we perform the nativity story in plays, each of the actors in the nativity are likely to play their character to the hilt and in most traditional nativities, they are more animals than people. So the majority of the action comes from the animals as well as the majority of the space taken up. As I discovered to my cost last year, telling a friend that having animals in a Nativity scene isn't scriptural can seriously get you gossiped and talked about even when the comment was mentioned in a closed door, private meeting. I was really surprised at how offended someone could get over the idea that Christ wasn't surrounded from his first earthly breath with joyous, happy livestock crowding in toward the manger for a better look. As Bug told me, "We see what we want to see, animals see what is there."

I look back a week later on this experience and find myself pretty pleased and tearful. I am grateful for an amazing and thoughtful child who is kind and empathetic and good-hearted. I am grateful that even with some of his learning challenges, Bug is aware of how to live a good life and is able to understand many human frailties and stumbling blocks. He also seems to understand where the Savior should be in our lives... in our hearts, the focus.... the center of our being. This is a Christmas gift I will never forget and always be grateful for. Tomorrow, my son will be 14 years old. I look forward to celebrating his birthday with him and eating cake. I am thankful for the gifts he has given me... especially these thoughts. Love you Bug. :)

The Balance Gap

There is no way to really put this except for just being blunt. I have managed to over the last few weeks to lose the balance that I had managed to attain in my life and schedule. (I guess that’s not too bad for a New Year’s resolution is it… ;) So I found myself last night so exhausted and looking over my rapidly growing list of ‘need to do’ as well as adding work and CPR classes around my full time job … well, even that sentence seems to point out the lack of unplanned time. No wonder I am falling behind on so many things! I was reminded that I had lost my balance a few weeks ago, but I have found it challenging to try and change the pattern quickly. Trying to work on rebuilding my nest egg as well as continuing to pay down bills and of course pay the daily expenses has been a bit draining. I am also getting ready to buy a plane ticket to Utah to see my grandfather and they do not tend to be cheap either- although seeing Grandpa Carlile is priceless and well worth the money! So I have managed to lose my balance again as I have let everything creep up on me.

The good thing is that I am starting to actually recognize the problem and so my body is less likely to break down and collapse for long periods of time. As I have come to start and recognize the symptoms and how my body tends to react I have found myself developing coping mechanism and I have managed over the last few years to be willing to give myself permission to just rest… no matter how big the list is of things that need to be completed. I feel a little lazy when I do it, but I have found that I am able to use the rest of the time more productively and I appear to be able to feel healthier for longer periods of time. As finding an even path in my life is challenging and has always been so, the fact that I have clearly worked hard enough to make some serious inroads into my impulsiveness and ‘overdoing’ is wonderful. I’m clearly not perfect, but…… I’m still trying!

What are some of the things that you do to keep your life on a fairly predictable even keel? To help keep your focus and needs in the forefront of your actions? Did they come naturally to you or are they skills you have developed over your lifetime?

Manic...

I fond myself really struggling to sit in Sacrament meeting a few weeks ago and I tried to write down my thoughts in an attempt to acknowledge and understand them. I do not think I did find understanding after all, but I did manage to get through the meeting and as I read over my thoughts and words, I do have much to think about. I figured that I would share. Do any of my friends feel like this sometimes?

I think that I am a little manic today. Not really sure and until I understand myself better and my emotions/energy I probably will not be able to. I am not even convinced that I have used the word 'manic' correctly- I have no diagnosis or firm knowledge base in which I use it. It was the phrase that leaps to my mind as I sit in the pew trying to analyze this feeling in my body that is almost overwhelming and feels pretty urgent. I am sitting, but I feel my limbs twitch slightly... hopeful for movement. Even my foot, my injured foot wearing a ridiculous ugly boot- is trying to move, subtly flexing. If I am honest, I feel like jumping up from my pew and going home- not due to church, my testimony or even feelings of disobedience- but to cook and then to run. The urge to take off the boot, leap onto the treadmill and to run.... just run, listening to Rob Thomas's voice filling the air and just pushing my body until it can do no more. However, now is not the time... It is the time for Sacrament meeting... so I sit.

Interestingly, my mind is slower. Thoughts are not screaming and racing through it. It's almost like my brain feels the exuberance in the rest of my vessel and feels too tired to even contemplate using more energy on thought. The only thing I know is that I feel terribly exhausted and at the same time, terribly energized and like a rabbit feeling the watchful eyes of the hawk... ready to run, but not sure if it should nor where it would go. So I am still sitting and I find myself twitching and breathing quickly.... and trying to focus on not moving. (What kind of an example would I be for any of the adorable kids that I teach if I jump up and make a fuss in the meeting? What kind of example would I be to myself actually :) And so I am scribbling... trying to understand these strange feelings coursing through my muscles while my brain is trying to listen to the speakers themselves. And, funnily enough, the more I sit and write, the more I feel like I can actually hear what is being said... the more I can endure

And so the meeting ends... and I have many pages of doodles and this page of words. I made it! My feelings haven't changed, but I have made it. I managed to stay sitting and look attentive even as my body yearned for freedom. And now it can have it! Off to the nursery I go to jump and sing and play.... Hooray! :)

Bedtime for Mina and Bear

Time for bed... Goodnight from Mina and Bear! :)

2014 Poetry Corner # 2 - "Meditation" (a haiku)

slow, breathe in, focus
on you, your needs, your feelings
understand yourself

2013 Poetry Corner #4 : A Sister in Sacrament Meeting

Light wavy tresses
mingling with light and dark
flowing softly, lightly down
framing her face, her eyes, her smile
head poised, listening
calmly focused, peaceful, silent
A virtuous woman before God