Poetry Submission

I ended up having a little down time today which was much needed and very unexpected. I discovered in one of my favorite LDS Facebook groups (The Exponent) that there was a request for poetry submissions and so I have happily spent the morning hunting through my miscellaneous scraps and posts of poetry for some submissions. I have submitted my chosen poetry and have posted my choices below. All have been published previously on this blog and I have linked each poem to the original post. This was a bit of fun today and it felt wonderful to share some of my work. I needed this opportunity today.


The Spirit of Peace

Eyes closed, breathe deep

legs crossed, head bowed

Feel the world around you

the breeze that lovingly envelopes you

the warmth that seeps through your skin

the spirit that whispers to your heart

Whisper your needs, hear him answer

Give him your heart, feel his love

Breathe in, clear your mind

the thoughts that bring you down

the worries that fret your soul

the fears that trap your agency

Listen with all your being

Be open, be loving, be joyful

Be you!


The Unexpected Change

Relief, sweeping relief

the surprising news comes

My heart feels lighter, suspended

the fear is dissolving, the air more clear

Tears pour down with gratitude

Nothing has changed... just one small tweak

yet the whole world is righted

moving forward feels possible, even doable

Thank you, Father... thanks for hearing

the prayer I didn't dare dream … or whisper


Night Swimming

A click and the darkness flows

quickly to fill all space

cool sheets press against my cheek

arms flayed, spread out

feet dangling in the air

a slight breeze moves the air

leaving ripples of breath and hair

floating, gliding, sinking in the deep

and even though my physical sense hasn't moved

hasn't budged, hasn't twitched

I sense the waves of exhaustion flow in

the riptide of need to rest, to forget, to lessen

A whirlpool of darkness, soft voices and purring

And you sink down, down into the abyss

the light patterns on your lids begin to fade

from white to green and blue

and suddenly you're gone and only spiritual remains

The tide flows by and pulls you in.....

… the hamster on the wheel

… the fears of your heart

… the images of film explored

… the joy of memories relived

… the revelation of things to come

together they flow, merge and tug your mind

As they merge, your breathing slows

yet your mind is full of visions

sometimes you backstroke and float unaided

and sometimes your fears win

Suddenly, the blue turns light

the darkness quickly fading

the movies gone, the images dissolve

only the emotions remain, dripping off

My eyes crash open, appendages start to twitch

consciousness and self break free

A stretch, a yawn... and the images are gone

A day of possibilities beyond

and yet I smile and think of evening

for the joys of night swimming


To Be

To dream is to stretch your soul

... to reach out of your reality to a new place

... to hope for future peace

To plan is to stretch your mind

... to focus on the changes that must be

... to hold onto a goal with purpose

To try is to acknowledge possibility

... of both failure and success

... to move onward anyway

To grow is to reach forth

... to know that to gain may cause pain

... that through adversity, we gain strength

To love is to believe

... to know that the Father loves us

... to have faith in ourselves

... to be


Journey of Recovery

Why so many challenges

I think as I fall

The fall doesn't hurt

The impact breaks all

I struggle to stand

The earth starts to shift

My heart feels torn

My mind feels adrift

How to recover – I do not know

This massive pain

Will it help me grow?

As I recover and life goes on...

Will I feel safe?

Will I ever feel strong?

I will stand up and try to pray

To think nice thoughts throughout the day

And watch for the light that shows the way

To charity, to life, to love secure

All I need is to but endure.


Please feel free to leave feedback if desired...

The Space Between Life and Death

To sit at the bedside of the death of a friend is to look into the gaping mouth of hell. Grief chops at you little by little as their life is slowly drawn away. Sometimes, watching every breathe is painful and you want to see the continued rise of the chest ... and you desperately want it to stop to end the suffering therein. You find yourself stroking the frail frame and speaking of the banal because you can't say all that is in your heart for there are no words... or the words and emotions behind them will not help and will only cause more hurt. So you sit quietly and listen to every breath until you find your own mind and body become the mirror image of the life ebbing away. Your breathing slows and all you can see is the simple image of life and desire intertwined. You start to feel their pain in your own body and your mind whispers the same prayer over and over and over. You don't even feel the tears running down your cheeks and barely notice that you can no longer see as your glasses are coated with the tears that have been falling over your lids for what seems like eternities. You struggle to notice the discomfort in your limbs because your own comfort has fallen behind your one need- to be present in those few moments that will soon be over and will never be repeated. In these moments, I feel my own weakness... my own inability to stop suffering or help to end it. I feel some of my beliefs crumble to ash and I am forced to face the deficits in my faith and my heart. The bone deep weariness that surrounds you feels like the new normal as everything you do brings you back to this single point... sitting in a chair next to a friend... watching the failing physical frame and murmuring to the strong soul within which will soon be released. You watch the seizures and you shake, the breathing and you mirror it, the silence that envelopes you both. For this brief periods of time, I hate death and I pray for it... I push it away as I grasp it... I welcome any positive change even if it means death has won for now. Soon, the mouth of hell will close and only love and grief will live on... but in these brief moments I feel like I learn more about what hell really is and what heaven may be than any Sunday school lesson ever taught. And I do have so much more to learn... so much more...

List of Support Resources for LGBTQI Individuals in Maine

My choice of a Praxis project came about in a roundabout way. Earlier in the semester, I was worried about an individual who was in an abusive relationship and she ended up leaving with her children. She spent some time with other friends until she got her restraining order and was able to find some resources to help her get back on her feet. When I realized she was ready to leave, I started trying to find out what resources were available locally and went to Google- A funny saying of some of my friends that like to tweak church sayings is “If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of Google, who giveth to all men liberally….” :) What I found was that the first six sources I found were no longer current and only one of the next few was still operating. I ended up spending hours on the phone and chatting with people trying to find the available resources. As I thought of a praxis project for this class, I realized that an individual who was thinking of coming out to friends and family about their gender or sexual status might also want to look for some resources online for support and help. I found the same exact experience as I had found when attempting to discover resources for domestic violence. So many listings and so few were still open, available, etc…. So this project was born. The majority of these sources have been personally contacted to make sure that they are available and that the small blurbs I put with them give a good idea of what the organization would like to provide in support or resources. I have left some sources off the list that were offered to me…. This list is a bit long and I am out of time…. at least for now. I am hopefully that the University will use this list as they see fit to help and benefit others in their student bodies and in their communities. I have tried to list sources from all over to make sure that no matter where in Maine someone finds this list, they will at least have a starting point to help with their concerns and unique journey.

I would like to give a special thanks to three people who took their time and went out of their way to give me some resources that they have been collecting to share with others and I have agreed to give them a copy of this paper. They are W. Smith, S. Hayes and S. Bock. I cannot express my appreciation of their encouragement and help enough. Any mistakes are mine alone. Please contact me for a better formatted copy if you wish.

AIDS Education / Resources

• AIDS Consultation Service (Virology Treatment Center- 48 Gilman St, Portland, 207-662-2911
• Health Equity Alliance (Ellsworth) : 25 Pine St, Suite A, open Monday through Friday 8 to 4 pm, 667-3506
• Health Equity Alliance (Bangor): 106 Pine Street, open Monday through Friday, 207-990-3626
• Frannie Peabody Center : 30 Danforth ,Suite 311, Portland, ME 207-749-6818 info@peabodycenter.org

Educational /College Resources

• Bowdoin University – Queer/Straight Alliance, 24 College Street in Brunswick. To join contact bgsa@bowdoin.edu or 1800-290-2682
• Colby College- ‘Bridge of Colby College’, 5920 Mayflower Hill in Waterville, 207-872-3635 or bridge@colby.edu
• Husson University- 10% Solutions: a GLTBQ support group for students and staff on Monday evenings, FMI call 941-7990 or
• Thorton Academy Gay-Straight Alliance, 438 Main St, Saco, ME 04072, 207-282-3361. Advisor is Kate Timberlake and can be reached at Kate.Timberlake@thortonacademy.org
• University of Maine Orono Rainbow Resource Center: Located at LGBTQ services, Division of Student Life, 5768 Memorial Union, room 224, Orono, 207-581-1439. Open Monday through Friday 8 to 4:30pm. Open to anyone: for more information, meredith.hassenrik@maine.edu
• University of Maine Gay Straight Alliance, 181 Main St, Presque Isle, ME, 207-581-1439
• University of Maine Machias: offers many services to students including safe zones, physical and mental health services, training on LBGTQ concerns, gender neutral housing and restrooms, as well as the opportunity to change names and gender within its academic system, 207-255-1305
1. 100% Society- advocates awareness and acceptance of everyone. Meetings are confidential. Hosts meetings, trainings and activities throughout the year. Meets weekly on Thursdays at 5pm in Kimball Hall, lkuntz@maine.edu or 207-255-1244
• University of Southern Maine Libraries: has a large collection of primary sources, books, and the largest LGBTQ newspaper archives. For more information, go to
http://usm.maine.edu/library/specialcollections/lgbt-overview
http://usm.maine.edu/library/specialcollections/lgbt-collection
http://usm.maine.edu/library/specialcollections/lgbt-resources
• University of New England-Office of Intercultural Student Engagement. Gay/Lesbian/Bi/Friends Alliance: 11 Hills Beach Road, Biddeford, ME, 207-283-0171
• University of Southern Maine Center for Sexualities and Gender Diversity: Located in the Woodbury Campus Center on the Portland Campus, the Center for Sexualities and Gender Diversity (the CSGD) provides a space for students to connect, get resources, hang out, do homework, meet one another, and more! Provides referral information, a lending library, internships and work study positions at the center.

Faith and Religion

• The BTS Center – (Bangor Theological Seminary), 207-774-5212
• Circle of Hope Ministry- found in Portland with special outreach to LGBT community members. FMI, mccclergy@aol.com
• Dignity USA/ Resource for GLBT Catholics, PO Box 376, Medford, MA, 1-800-877-8797, info@dignityusa.org
• Interfaith Network of Clergy and Faith Leaders, 122 Neal Street Portland, ME, 207-775-5758
• Unitarian Universalist churches- go to www.uua.org to find a welcoming church in your area
• Some websites that can help find a welcoming congregation in your area-http://www.believeoutloud.com/take-action/find-your-community
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/LGBT-affirming_Christian_denominations

General Practitioners / OB GYN / Specialists

• Mabel Wadsworth Center- Family planning which provides educational and clinical services to women regardless of sexual orientation. 700 Mt. Hope Ave #420, Bangor, ME, 207-94705337 or 362 Harlow Street, PO Box 918, Bangor ME 04402, 207-947-5337
• Maine Family Planning- Open Door Transgender Health care: services include hormonal transition therapy and monitoring for trans individuals 18 year old and over, on-site self-injection lessons and supplies for same, referrals to specialty providers and community resources including mental, behavior and medical providers. Located at 179 Lisbon Street, Lewiston, 207-795-4007
• Rosemary Prentice – Southern Maine Family Healthcare
3 Shape Drive
Kennebunk, ME
207-467-8988, 207-283-1407
• Voice and Swallowing Center of Maine – provides voice therapy and training to members of the trans community both in person and through telemedicine. Found at Waldo County General Hospital, 118 Northport Ave in Belfast, 207-338-2500 or www.mainespeechtherapy.org

Homeless Shelters
• Alfred: York County Shelter- 147 Shaker Hill Road, 207-324-1137
• Augusta: Bread of Life Shelter- for victims of domestic violence or single adults, 157 Hospital Street, 207-626-3479
• Bangor
1. Bangor Area Homeless Shelter- 263 Main Street, 207-947-0092 or info@bangorareashelter.org
2. Shaw house – for homeless or at risk youth, 136 Union Street, 207-941-2874 or 1-866-561-SHAW. Rick@shawhouse.us
• Ellsworth: Emmaus Shelter- 51 Main Street, 207-667-3962 (have a long waiting list)
• Farmington: Western Maine Homeless Outreach – 547 Wilton Road, 207-779-7609
• Portland: Preble Street (women’s shelter and youth shelter), 38 Preble Street, 207-775-0026
• Presque Isle: Sister Mary O’Donnell Shelter- 745 Central Drive, must be 18 years old or with parents, program based, drug and alcohol free
• Rockport: Midcoast Hospitality House, 169 Old County Road, must be 18 years old or with parents/guardian
• Rumford: Rumford Group Homes, 346 Pine Street, program based with an intake assessment different homes and shelters based on needs, 207-364-4474
• Waterville: Mid Maine Homeless Shelter- 19 Colby Street, must be 18 or over but will help needy youth find housing if need be, drug and alcohol free

Lawyers / Legal Organizations
• Gay and Lesbian Advocates and Defenders : 30 Winter Street Suite 800, Boston MA, 1-617-426-1350, gladlaw@glad.org
• Maine Civil Liberties Union: 401 Cumberland Ave, Suite 105, Portland, ME, 207-774-5444, fax 207-774-1103, info@mclu.org
• Maine Volunteer Lawyer’s Project, PO Box 547 in Portland, 1-800-442-4293. Website : www.vlp.org
• Seacoast Law and Title- Mary Anne Martell, 240 Main Street, Westbrook, 207-591-7880, law@seacoastlawme.com
• Warren, Currier, and Buchanan – Brenda M. Buchanan, 57 Exchange St. in Portland, 207-772-1262 or brenda@wacubu.com
• Vogel and Dubois- Mathew R. Dubois, 550 Forrest Ave, suite 205 in Portland, 207-761-7796, mdubois@maine-elderlaw.com

Local Support Groups

• Bangor- MTN Trans Only, 1st Monday of the month (6:00-7:30), 106 Pine Street
• Brunswick – MTN Trans Only, 2nd Friday of the month (6:00-7:30), 24 College St, Bowden College
• Ellsworth - Gay Guyz Group (GGG), meetings on the second Wednesday of every month at various locations, 207-667-9482 or wayne@mrlanguage.com
• Ellsworth- Down East Gender Diversity Group:
1. Trans Ally – 3rd Sundays at 3pm, Health Equity Alliance Building, 25 Pine St, Suite A
2. Trans Only – 1st Sundays at 3pm, Health Equity Alliance Building, 25 Pine St, Suite A
• Kennebunkport- Gender Innovation, Trans youth programming, for more info contact giadrew2@gmail.com
• Lewiston- MTN, 3rd Friday of every month, Center for Wisdom’s Women, 97 Blake Street
• PFLAG Machias- meets every second Wednesday of the month at 6:30 pm at the Centre Street Congregational Church on 9 Center Street in Machias. 207-255-1288 or downeastpflag@gmail.com
• Portland – Bare Bears- a gay / bisexual nudist (male) group that meets on the second Saturday of every month in South Portland, barebearsmaine@yahoo.com
• Portland- Maine TransNet:
1. Trans only- 1st Wednesday of the month (6:00-8:30pm), Maine Medical Center, Dana Health Education Center, 22 Bramhall Street
2. Allies Only- 1st Wednesday of the month, (6:00-8:30pm), Maine Medical Center, Dana Health Education Center, 22 Bramhall Street
3. Trans and Allies- 3rd Wednesday of every month, (6:00-8:30), Maine Medical Center, Dana Health Education Center, 22 Bramhall Street
4. Non-Binary- 3rd Tuesday of the month, (7:00-8:30pm), Maine Medical Center, Dana Health Education Center, 22 Bramhall Street
5. TYEF- Youth and Parents Groups, for more information, contact contact@transyouthequality.org
• Waterville- mixed group, last Friday of the month at 6pm, Pleasant Street Methodist Church, 61 Pleasant St, Waterville, ME · (207) 872-7564

Organizations for Support

• All About Guys: is a group of guys (GSB or questioning) getting together to meet in healthy and safe ways to socialize and talk. Meetings in Lewiston/Auburn on the 1st and 3rd Mondays of each month and meetings in Brunswick on the 2nd and 4th Monday of the month. Also offers some STD prevention services and supplies, 207-725-4955. Website: www.allaboutguys.org
• Equality Maine: works to secure full equality for LGBTQ individuals in Maine through political action, group organizing and collaboration. Can provide resources for local support. Located at 550 forest Ave, suite 101, Portland, ME, 207 761-3732, info@equalitymaine.org
• Family Affairs Newsletter – a twice monthly free social activities newsletter for GLBTQ individuals that also doubles as a business directory, classifieds and community bulletin board. FMI, zack@familyaffairsnewsletter.org
• Gay- Lesbian Phone Line of Maine – Hotline for individuals, friends and family members offering information and support. 1-800-468-2088 or 498-2088
• Gay Maine – the lesbian/ gay directory to gay owned and gay friendly places in Maine including bars, clubs, hotels, restaurants and more. www.gaymaine.com
• GLSEN (Gay Lesbian Straight Education Network) supports ‘Gay-Straight-Trans’ alliances/ student clubs in high schools and middle schools to work to reduce hate language and harassment inside schools. Is currently working with 40% of Maine’s high schools as well as periodic regional meetings for trainings and leads presentations for organizations and the legislature.
1. Portland - PO Box 10334, 207-619-1417 or glsensomaine@gmail.com
2. Ellsworth – PO Box 373, 207-217-9873 or downeastme@chapters.glsen.org
• Living Queer Here! - A radio show on station WERU that is aired the 4th Thursday of every month at 10-11am. Various topics are covered. Can be listened to in the greater Blue Hill area on frequency 89.9 FM, in the Bangor area on frequency 102.9 FM, and streams on the web at www.weru.org. WERU also broadcasts the nationally syndicated GLBTI show, ‘This Way Out’ every Wednesday afternoon from 4 - 4:30 pm.
• Maine Gender Resource and Support Service (MEGRESS) - provides education, information and consulting for transgender and intersex individuals in Maine. PO Box 1894 in Bangor, 207-862-2063 or megress@tds.net
• Maine Transgender Network, Inc.: provides support and resources for transgendered individuals and their families/significant others with support groups in Portland and Bangor. www.mainetransnet.org , PO Box 1034, Westbrook, ME mtn@mainetransnet.org
• Maine TransYouth Equality Foundation: provides education, advocacy, and support for transgender and gender non-conforming youth and their families to help foster a healthy caring, and safe environment for all transgendered children. contact@transyouthequality.org
• Out! As I Want to Be: A supportive and empowering organization for individuals 22 years old or younger. Has twice weekly drop in programs as well as community education. Drop in at 328 Main Street, Suite 305 in Rockland. 1-800-530-6997 or .outmidcoast@gmail.com Also sponsors a radio program on Wednesday nights that is supportive of GLTBQ and intersexed individuals aged 14-22 that can be found if you tune your radio dials to WRFR - 93.3 (Rockland) or 93.9 (Camden).
• Out and Allied Theater: created through the Waterville Inclusive Community Project which works to create safe and welcoming communities for LGBTQ youth by using theater as a means to provide education to the community. Meets on Saturdays from 11am-2pm at Studio 93, 93 Maine Street in Waterville. 207-660-1672 or Markfair56@gmail.com
• Outright Lewiston-Auburn: creates a safe and affirming environment for youth under 22 years old. Friday drop in from 6pm – 8:30pm at the First Universalist Church of Auburn, info@outrightla.org 179 Lisbon St, Po Box 1038, Lewiston, 207-795-8956
• Parents, Families, and Friends of Lesbians and Gays: Po Box 8742, Portland, ME 04101, 207-774-3441. Helpline- 207-774-3441. PFLAGPORTLAND@aol.com Also found in Bangor – 36 East St in Bangor, 207-990-3626 or c35269@aol.com. Also Brunswick- 72 Woodside Rd, 207-725-6390, or shodgdon@blazenetme.net
• Portland Outright: youth driven program for LGBTQ individual and allies ages 14-22 in the greater Portland area. Drop in every Wednesday 6-8pm at 175 Lancaster Street, Portland, 207-828-6560 or 1-888-567-7600, portlandoutright@gmail.com or outright@outright.org
• Proud Rainbow Youth of Southern Maine : provides a safe and positive space for LGBTQ and allied youth 22 years and under offering social support and leadership, 343 Forest Avenue, rear entrance, 207-874-1030, info@commcc.org 165 Lancaster street Portland, 207-874-1030 ex 403, robert@commcc.org 43 Baxter Blvd, Portland, ME, 207-874-1030 prsym@commcc.org
• SAGE / Services and Advocacy for GLBT Elders – services and support for older individuals with drop in centers in Augusta, Bangor, Damariscotta, Ellsworth and Farmington. Monthly dinner in Portland and a monthly lunch in Bangor, PO Box 466 in Hancock, 207-809-7015 or doug@sagemaine.org. website: www.sagemaine.org
• Southern Maine Pride: 467 Congress Street, Portland, ME 04101, 207-650-8219 or 207-893-2550, info@southernmainepride.org
• The LinQ- serving the greater Farmington area and meets every Wednesday during the academic calendar year in the psychology building at the University of Maine-Farmington. Located at 234 Main Street from 7-9pm
• TransSupport Group: PO Box 4075 in Portland, 207-774-7029 or 207-642-6023

Runaway / Suicide Resources

• National Runaway Hotline (24 hours) : 1-800-786-2929
• National Suicide Prevention Initiative (24 hours) : 1-800-273-8255
• Statewide Crisis Hotline DHHS : 1-888-568-1112
• The Trevor Project: a leading national organization which provides crisis intervention and suicide prevention services to LGBTQ young people ages 13-24 years old. 1-866-488-7386, www.thetrevorproject.org


Therapists and Mental Health Clinics
• Auburn
1. Rebecca Hardy :207-743-9337
2. Paula Marcus-Platz: 207-784-8747
3. Melissa Snyder : 1-877-838-5741
• Augusta: Chris York: 207-662-9433
• Bangor
1. Maria Baeza : 207-942-2230
2. Penny Bohac-Cardelle : 207-942-8767
3. Jeanine Crockett: 207-942-1433
4. Cheryl Pelletier: 207-942-1483
• Bar Harbor
1. Lori R. Alley: 207-288-0594
2. Pamela Parvin: 207-288-5344
3. Barbara Peppey: 207-667-3277
• Belfast: Shelly Fein: 207-338-3111
• Bucksport: Diane Keubler: 207-469-0505
• Brunswick: William M. Barter: 207-854-4321
• Ellsworth
1. Marc Mylar: 207-667-2095
2. Sally Smith: 207-667-4042
• Hancock: Doug Kimmel: 207-669-4178
• Kennebunk
1. Dorothy Carlson: 207-985-7655
2. Denise Hammond: 207-251-1282
3. Fran Kessler: 207-332-8881
• Lewiston
1. Claire Bergeren: 207-753-0213
2. Stephen Hayes: 207-753-0323
3. Robin Rockett: 207-753-1462
• Portland
1. Rick Bouchard: 207-650-6450
2. Alexandra Bouvrette: 207-602-1636
3. Cindy Boyak: 207-662-0111
4. Frank Brooks: 207-780-6068
5. Jeremy Cole: 207-878-8001
6. Norma Kraus Eule: 207-650-1804
7. James Maier: 207-662-2004
8. Alex Roan: 207-408-1685
9. Laura Gottfried: 207-774-0046
10. Josh Kingsbury: 207-773-2828
• Presque Isle
1. Georgette Beaulieu: 207-764-8573
2. Robley H. Morrison: 207-768-5013
• Saco
1. Alexandra Bouvrette: 207-602-1630
2. Karen Neale Leary: 207-229-8006
3. Jane Thursten: 207-282-1500
• Wells : Rosemary Ananis : 207-646-6641
• Winthrop: Mary Fredricks: 207-524-3721
• York: Erin Latulippe: 207-415-8512

pictures from : http://www.mesmacnortheast.com/rainbow-hands-up/, http://all-free-download.com/free-vector/download/free-abstract-colorful-rainbow-vector-background_147996.html

A Unique Opportunity!

I have always felt a little wary about expressing my testimony and feelings on Christ. Some of my reluctance stems from foolish reasons- fear of rejection or conflict, worry about causing offense and also a small amount of laziness- it takes courage and effort to do it! But another reason is also that sharing your testimony is so personal and makes me feel so vulnerable and exposed... open to attack while my heart and soul... my most beautiful and vulnerable parts are laid bare and feel naked and defenseless. And I have found that many people who are Christian, but have different beliefs, belong to different denominations, etc... chose this opportunity to thrust forward... not with thoughtful conversation, but with reasons and 'proofs' of why my beliefs are wrong. The reasons vary from 'worshiping the wrong Christ' (How many people in this world have been known as the savior Jesus Christ? To my knowledge there is only one man...), to scripture verses expressing why my thought processes are wrong and my eternal soul is in peril. Some people suggest that even questioning the culture surrounding the gospel is disloyal and inappropriate... to both Heavenly Father, prophets, apostles and the Savior- questioning even expresses that I 'do not sustain them' no matter how much I feel like I do. It is very painful to have my beliefs belittled and to even be told what I think... I have actually been amazed by how many people tend to feel pretty comfortable and even justified in telling other people what those people think... which really seems to be a reflection of the speaker's thoughts and not the individual being judged.

So over the last few years, I have actively tried to work on feeling a little less fear and trying to be more open about my thoughts. In a few ways, I have been more successful – I have a few really good friends who I actually feel safe enough to share my thoughts and feelings with. And I have actively pushed myself to try and start conversations with people I do not know. It's probably strange to some of you who know me, but I do feel uncomfortable talking to people I don't know and trust... which is funny because I can totally chat someone's ear off if I feel safe with them. (It's a mark of how the divorce has caused me to close up even more that the phone plan I used to have gave me unlimited minutes and I would use over two thousand a month and I now live comfortably on less than 450 a month.) So I actually try to say 'hi' to people I pass in stores, compliment someone or just say something basic to start an interaction. I have started conversations at church with members that I don't know (sometimes I have started them with people whose names I should know after a decade but I still don't and I am too embarrassed to ask.) And I have worked to try not and shut down conversations as much when unknown people start them with me... I''m working on it and its getting a little easier I think.

So the other night, I was headed home from work and decided that I would do my once weekly 'spontaneous' grocery shopping. Once a week, I head to a few different grocery stores and only look for the 'marked down' basics – fresh fruit and vegetables, dairy products, meat, salads, etc... I am never sure what I will find on these trips and sometimes I find nothing or just a few odds and ends. And sometimes, I come home with salad and veggies for days, some meat and fish, yogurt, milk and sour cream... and even maybe some soup or some beat up cans of tomatoes. This trip is a fun trip- an exclusion for me that doesn't cost me much and helps me to have fresher things to eat on my small income. It's also fun to see what I can find and then create different meals to cook and consume the food. Being able to have this opportunity has been such a blessing and really has made it possible for me to eat pretty well on my income. So I left the first store and started driving to the second. I parked, limped in and started the 'rounds'.

After a quick look through the produce section, I headed over to the seafood section and quickly noticed a decent sale on haddock- $1.99 a lb! I stood at the back of the line and found myself grinning a bit more when I watched everyone else in line buying the more expensive fish and the price to the haddock was changed to 0.99/lb in the hopes of moving the last little bit before the store closed. The woman in front of me completed a fairly complicated fish order and moved out of the way so that I cold place my order. I order three pounds of the good stuff and, as they wrapped up my order, the woman who had been in line before me started a conversation with me. She asked what I was going to do with my fish and I talked about my plans for it – I thought I would fry up a pound with lots of bell peppers and broccoli and put the rest in either soup or make it into sandwiches. She introduced herself as Donna and shared her amazement that I could make fish into something that sounded wonderful so easily. And so I stopped with my basket... and Donna with her cart and we chatted. I told her about other easy ways to cook fish- one of the few things I am really decent about cooking- and she decided to get some fish for herself. I moved on looking through the meat department and was headed to the front of the store when she caught me up again. Donna thanked me and asked how I decided when to buy something and so I told her about my trips. I talked about some of the places in the stores where they 'hide' the markdowns and how I decided something was a good value or not.

It was during that conversation that Donna looked at my neck and asked about the necklace around it. I looked down and asked her which necklace she was asking about (I was wearing two) and she pointed at my gold chain with my young women's medallion hanging down at the end. I've actually never had anyone ask me about it before and, as I felt myself close up, I took a breath and told her about it: what it is, what it means, how I earned it, and how much it means to me as a symbol. Donna then asked what church has such a great program and I said those words that open the door to potential trouble - “I'm a Mormon.” Her response was quick and so unexpected to me - “Oh, like Glen Beck!” - that I didn't school my face very well and my feelings of dismay and annoyance must have been seen clearly on my face. She stuttered and said, “Well, I mean not like Glenn Beck, but you belong to the same church and stuff.” That I agreed with! And she asked me more and listened respectfully and asked a few questions of me that I think she must have gotten from conservative talk radio (probably from the formerly mentioned) and I told her the doctrine I have learned and my beliefs in it. She told me about her church and I asked questions about it and she answered and when we parted, she thanked me again for the shopping information and for chatting with her and hen said something totally unexpected to me.

“God bless you! I am so glad I ran into you today!”

I finished my shopping and went home with a lot to think about. Even a few weeks later I am still thinking abut it. I am glad I took the risk, thankful that it didn't turn into a really painful experience that would bring my anxiety to the forefront of my mind again. And I feel able to try and do it again. But most of all, I feel like I have started a relationship that over time can turn into friendship and even more. I am so thankful that I have accomplished and earned my medallion and grateful that I found the courage inside of me to talk about it. You just never know when you can testify of Christ... you can share his love anywhere, even next to a counter of cheap fish. :)

2014 Poetry Corner # 3 - "Changing of the Judges"

So much to feel, so much to say
yet my lips are closed and still
a heart is full with hope and need
my soul engaged... alert

His words pour out, rigid and course
but the air accepts them thirstily
And within moments they soar
we are swallowed whole, engulfed
in love and faith and community
The spirit speaks to us and confirms the call

The faces have changed, but the seats have not
nor has the love and spirit
I sustain them all; pray for all three
A new presidency has been born

2013 Poetry Corner # 7 - "Believe" (a haiku)

I believe in love
the strength of community
the hope in us all

2013 Poetry Corner #6 - "To Be"

To dream is to stretch your soul
... to reach out of your reality to a new place
... to hope for future peace

To plan is to stretch your mind
... to focus on the changes that must be
... to hold onto a goal with purpose

To try is to acknowledge possibility
... of both failure and success
... to move onward anyway

To grow is to reach forth
... to know that to gain may cause pain
... that through adversity, we gain strength

To love is to believe
... to know that the Father loves us
... to have faith in ourselves
... to be

A Night of Solid Dreams

Friday night was absolutely amazing...! (Probably not the way to start a post without having it potentially misconstrued- so don't worry! It's clean. :) I have been struggling to really sleep for months. Sometimes I will get a decent night of sleep, but for the most part I just toss and turn and get up and read or listen to music and eat and play with cats or my hammy; in essence, I don't sleep. When I feel so emotional and tired that I am truly desperate I will try to work myself out of any potential thread of energy left, fill my stomach full, and take two benadryl and I will usually sleep. I will still wake up and toss, etc... but I can go back to sleep easily on those nights. One thing that tends to bring me back to wakefulness is clearly my thoughts and worries and plans as I am trying to move forward and get through this difficult time to find an easier path. The other thing that forces me awake and tends to keep me up is dreams, which have been really challenging over the last few years. Some are so bad that I wake up totally covered in sweat and just panic stricken. In some cases it takes me a little bit to realize that it was a dream and so I am confused about the change of scenery and dress. I understand that dreaming in color is not very common so it is a blessing that I have, but I do wonder if that helps with my mental confusion after some of the really horrible dreams. When I come to work and look pretty awful after a bad night, I will joke about being 'hag-ridden' and we can all have a nice laugh, but I will admit its definitely not funny at the time. I have seen some paintings from past centuries where artists have tried to portray the fear and confusion and of course the 'witches' and 'demons' that caused them. Those painters do not inspire laughter... at least in me.

This week was a typical week. I have been working a lot of hours and haven't been sleeping well at all. Charity is learning to follow food through a hoop and I have discovered that Egg likes smoked salmon and he will try to open the fridge door to get it- that's a big step for him. Several weeks ago I tried an experiment and I took apart the mattress I made and I folded down my 'couch' futon and I have been sleeping on it. I haven't really noticed a difference in my sleep the last week so it sort of confirmed to me that not only do I definitely have insomnia at this point, but it's probably my head or 'me' physically and not anything in my environment. Disappointing, but doable I guess. So that night I was tired and just started to do the normal getting ready to sleep stuff. I got off of work and then ran a few quick errands so that I would be all ready for the Sabbath. I got home, emptied my car and then got to work on the house. Soon it was spiffy and I had heated up a quick meal with lots of fat (I think it helps me feel fuller and sleep better) and I had a nice hot bath. When I came home I had a package from an awesome friend and it had a light but snug king size comforter in it and so I climbed into bed after my bath with a good book and that comforter. As soon as I felt like I could sleep, I put down the book and I actually slept for six hours... a real record for me these days.

The kicker was that I still dreamed and the dreams were really intense. I have been working on trying to mentally 'change' the dreams, but I have had very little success. I'm either so tired that as I try to change it I fall so deeply back into it that it doesn't work... or I become so frightened that I am pushed out of the dream altogether and then I'm awake for awhile. This night, I don't actually feel like I mentally changed anything. The dreams were not as bad as usual, but I felt like the images were seared into my brain along with the emotions that they caused so that when I did wake up I was sure of a few things. One image that happened a few times in the dream was that I was following either a ex-friend or walking with a current friend. When I was walking with the friend we were laughing and joking and just talking.... I'm not sure what was going on with the other scenario because I never felt like a stalker; just like I was in that position for a reason. At some point I would 'feel' something that I can't really describe... just a really strong feeling like something bad was coming and it was going to cause both of us to die. In both scenarios, I would reach out for the other person and would move them- either by pushing or tackling- and I would throw my body over theirs. At one point and I still feel and see this image inside, I looked up as I was crouched over my friend and the air was literally moving and pulsing.

I have been having this dream off and on for months and I have no idea what it really means... if it means anything at all. These images have come back into my mind over the last few days with the recent bombing in Boston and I have thought of the people who ran away.... and those that ran towards to sounds and terror. In my dream I knew something was coming so I could make a active choice and prepare myself... those who ran towards to terror were not sure what was happening or what they could do, but in that split second they decided to try. How wonderful and faith affirming is that! I hope we can continue to pray for all of us- in Boston, Syria.... in so many places where people are suffering through horrors and pain that many of us will never experience. I really hope that we as a race can keep working toward peace with each other. It is one of my fondest wishes.

Hope...

This is a summary of a talk that I gave in sacrament meeting a few weeks ago. I hope this summary might be helpful for someone out there. Preparing this talk was very helpful for me. :)



What exactly is hope? Hope is the word that we use to describe an emotional state or attitude in which we hold the belief and wish for a positive outcome in our circumstances. In many cases, we tend to treat hope as a noun... a simple object... easily described and dissected. Therefore, the idea of hope in our lives tends to become simplistic... almost wishful as in “I hope I pass my test” or “I hope it doesn’t rain.” In this way, hope can almost be described as an irresponsible or fickle friend... the friend who follows through on agreements sometimes or not at all. If we view hope through this lens, there can be very little wonder as to why the word has become trite and trivial in the majority of ways that it is used in our lives.

When I was asked to give this talk and was given my topic, I will admit that I didn’t want it. I have been having a really hard time feeling hopeful about much over the last few months. Trying to look at my uncertain and unknown future has felt more appropriately fearful than hopeful. And doing random 'scripture opening' for inspiration was no help at all – do you have any idea how many verses in the Bible contain the words 'there is no hope' or 'hope is lost?' It wasn't funny the first few times it happened, but as time has moved closer towards the date that I must present something, I have started to find it pretty funny.

So, instead of using the scriptures to start.... I tried to stand back and think about what hope means to me in my life. And I found something a little extraordinary. The first clear thought that I had is that hope is a verb... very active. When I have truly felt that I understood hope, it has been when I have been busy doing good things. When I conjure up an image of hope in my mind, it reminds me more of a cheerful, quickly moving beam of light the color of the clearest blue. Quick moving, but not frantic. Purposeful and kind. So to understand hope, we must truly understand that hope has three important aspects for true understanding.

First - hope is a voluntary and changing mindset. To feel positive and hopeful towards the experience that you are living through and to believe in good for your future, you must actively cultivate the aspects of faith and gratitude in your life. Good thoughts, optimism and true joy are things that we must work to gain and do not necessarily come from doing the right things. It has been my experience that some of the most faithful and charity-filled members that I know can also be the most depressed and find the challenge of negative thoughts to be one of the strongest wars that they have had to fight in their minds and their lives. So to be hopeful is truly an active process. Elder Wilford has stated clearly that “Hope, with its attendant blessings of peace and joy, dos not depend upon circumstance.” It is a constant awareness and recalculation of our thinking and or emotions... an unending process where we must actively through our circumstances seek to cultivate an environment where hope can feel welcome and can thrive. I will not pretend that this is an easy process and it is truly easier said than accomplished.

C.S. Lewis once said, “Hope is one of the theological virtues. This means that a continual looking forward to the eternal world is not (as some modern people think) a form of escapism or wishful thinking, but one of the things a Christian is meant to do.”

Second – is that Hope is a call to caring and to active work. Hope asks us to care... and to care intensely! Yet also asks us to understand that things may not always be the same so we should not care too much. Hope tells us and pushes us to work because there is much to work for... even though what we are working for may sometimes be unseen or elusive to our understanding. However, hope also calls us to play and to celebrate... to be active in our joys as well as our tasks. Hope is not passive.

2 Nephi 31:20 - Wherefore, ye must press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and of all men. Wherefore, if ye shall press forward, feasting upon the word of Christ, and endure to the end, behold, thus saith the Father: Ye shall have eternal life.

Close your eyes and think about the verbs in your mind and the images they create.

'ye must press'
'steadfast'
'feasting'
'endure'

Can any of these words been seen as passive... easy... weak? All require action on our parts.

Third – it must be stated that hope is an action that we are asked to give others. This is one of the only times that the word should be treated as a noun. It is by our actions towards others that we can give hope to people whose trials have overwhelmed their ability to actively cultivate hope. It is through the actions of love and charity that we are able to share the burdens of others and bring them the small but exquisite and beautiful pearl of hope. We cannot provide hope to those who struggle with a small pat of our hand and our 'hope that tings will get better for them'... it is provided through active work – thought, prayer, and service. In this sense, we are able to be hope for someone else and to give them the temporary ability to be buoyed up in hope so that they can again commence the personal work of creating their own foundation in hope.

Elder Neal Maxwell stated, “Genuine hope is urgently needed in order to be more loving even as the love of many waxes cold; more merciful, even when misunderstood or misrepresented; more holy, even as the world ripens in iniquity; more courteous and patient in a coarsening and curt world; and more full of heart felt hope, even when other men's hearts fail them. Whatever our particular furrow, we are to 'plow in hope' without looking back or letting yesterday hold tomorrow hostage.”

My brothers and sisters, may we be inspired to do the work necessary to cultivate hope in our minds and our lives and to give hope to others. May we allow the things that we hope for to lead us to a greater faith in Christ and our Father and that the things that we find hope will lead us firmly towards charity and love. I saw these things in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

2012 Poetry Corner # 7 : Duo Haiku

My heart feel so full
love, grief, confusion, need, hope
May today be well


Hope springs eternal
love wells upwards inside me
May the day be blessed

Ending my Day...

I have been studying C.S. Lewis in my free time lately... I will admit that there hasn't been much free time :) I have loved to study him for decades and loved to read him when I was younger. But recently, I have been using him to study myself, my situation and my faith. Over the last few weeks I have found that many of the the large stack of books are starting to gather dust and only one rises quickly to my hand and I find myself thumbing through it and staring at the same paragraph. I think it is one of the most thought provoking set of sentences I have ever read.

“And grief still feels like fear. Perhaps, more strictly, like suspense. Or like waiting; just hanging about waiting for something to happen. It gives life a permanently provisional feeling. It doesn't seem worth starting anything. I can't settle down. I yawn, I fidget, I smoke too much. Up till this I always had too much time. Now there is nothing but time. Almost pure time, empty successiveness...”

I really feel this way. I am starting to realize that some of what I saw as fear was actually grief and most of what I saw as anger was actually despair and sorrow. Figuring out how to describe what I feel has been quite difficult and when I read this statement from Lewis, I actually took a quick breath and a voice in my head said 'That's it- That's really it.' I have found the words to describe how I feel which also helps me to understand and deal with it.

I have lost my joy, my heart, and potentially all that I possess. But I still have my life and my feelings and I will continue to move forward in faith and thru a divorce process that I never expected, never wanted and have to live with the choices that have been picked for me. I feel the constant movement of time and I am horribly busy with five classes and starting a new job and yet I feel that I have nothing but emptiness and time mixed together. And I should not feel this, but I feel alone and I feel the urge to withdraw from all around me. Funny enough, I feel embarrassed over my failure because I do not consider a marriage to fail through the faults of only one person and I have not been perfect. So in all my grief and tiredness and sorrow, I am sitting here wondering if I feel like withdrawing because I feel so much pain... or if I feel like withdrawing because I am embarrassed. I can be quite silly sometimes. :)

Well, here goes nothing...!

History of a Song: January - “All Creatures of Our God and King”

This hymn has a long history and actually was originally published hundreds of years after the authors death. The lyrics of this hymn were written by Giovanni Francesco di Bernardone – more commonly known as St. Francis of Assisi. He was born around the year 1181 and was the son of a wealthy merchant in Assisi. In 1204, he had a vision and soon he decided to live in poverty and become a preacher. He developed a following which was endorsed by the Roman Catholic pope in 1210 and became known as the Franciscan order. He was known to have said - “If you have men who will exclude any of God's creatures from the shelter of compassion and pity, you will have men who will deal likewise with their fellow men.” Later in his life, he founded an order for older women as well as the Third Order of Brothers and Sisters of Penance. There are around sixty hymns that it is believed that he wrote and he is also known as the first saint known to have received the stigmata (which he received in 1224 and are commonly known as the wounds of Christ's Passion.) He died in October 1226 and was granted sainthood in 1228. In the Roman Catholic Tradition, he is known as the patron saint of animals and the environment and has a feast day that is celebrated on October 4th every year.

Originally written in Italian and named Cantico di fratre sole (Song of Brother Sun), this hymn was written shortly before his death and reflects his meditations on Psalm 145. It was published almost 400 years later with music called Geistliche Kirchengeange written by Koln in 1623 (in German). Harmony for these lyrics to the tune Lasst Uns Erfreuen was later written by Ralph Vaughan Williams and published in the English Hymnal in 1906 and was # 519.


It was first trans­lat­ed into the English language by William Henry Draper and his version has remained the most popular version to this date. Born in 1855 in Kenilworth, England, he was educated at Keble College in Oxford and was later a curate and a vicar. He translated the song into English in 1910 for a children's festival in England and his version first appeared in a hymn book in 1919. In his lifetime he wrote about sixty hymns, but this song was his only translation. William Draper died in 1933.

This song has been performed by several artists. It has been performed and recorded by the BYU Concert Choir in 1984, Patty Griffin in her newest album release in January 2010, and the Mormon Tabernacle Choir on their album Hymns of Faith II. In 2008, a group of musicians called Eclipse released an album called “Grateful Praise” with a recorded version of this song... which later received a CASA award for best recorded sacred song. In short, it might be easy to name individuals that haven’t performed this song than those who have- slight exaggeration there. :)

I researched this song on the recommendation of a good friend- Cathy McCoy. What does this hymn mean to you? Is it a hymn that you like... and why? If you do not like it, why not?

Something I Didn't Have Last Time....

I know that a few people who got my newsletter this year had raised eyebrows at the contents. After all, while I didn't 'lie'... I sure left a lot out! I guess I feel like lies of omission are better for people who cannot do anything and really do not need to know what is going on. Sort of rude I know... but for the best I think. :) I feel like I can be more honest here because so few people read it... although I am still being pretty vague so I obviously do not think I can be totally honest... :D

My major trial hasn't changed for the better in many months. And yesterday, I learned that it really isn't changing for the positive at all. I know that things will get better. Things will always get better! I know this and I have faith that it will change. Think positively!

I had quite a time last night. I lay awake trying to find ways to sleep and trying to get past my fear. I ended up listening to 2/3 of the fifth Harry Potter book- draining both my phone and my computer well into the morning. But I faced my fear- on Christmas no less- and survived long enough to see the sun come up and laugh. Sometimes, life is hard... but it does go on. Remember, it always goes on. And it gets better... :)

2010 Poetry Corner # 8 - "Genealogy"

Why am I so obsessed with dying?
Why do my senses seem to yearn
toward the animals and people whose
souls are no longer fully here?

The Small Blessings of Love and Service

I was blessed today to get to do some volunteering at the local food pantry. The love and amazing spirit that these people have is just phenomenal and is always so inspiring. I can go in feeling sick and tired and just unable to really 'think'- almost hunched up physically by my burdens... and then walk out three hours later, laughter still ringing in my ears, shoulders straight and the motivation and attitude to tackle the next problem that comes by. The feeling that I get from helping others at the food bank is one of the best feelings that I have ever known and sometimes find only in the temple. I hope that service will always be a big part of my life.

A quote I read in one of my textbooks later in the day keeps coming back to me - "Giving love is receiving love- In order to experience love, you must be vulnerable to it. When love is given away, it remains with you as well. In fact, love is unique in that the more you give, the more you will have to give and the more that you will receive."

With a smile on my face, I end my day … and wish that I could volunteer everyday!

Something that matters....

So, today I got so much done. Frankly, I never thought that I could get tired of history.... but after looking at census forms for two straight days, I think I found my limit! :) I came home tired, with a headache, but just pleased at getting that assignment done and recognizing that with all the problems that I have I am still doing OK with this extra work. I pretty much was able to eat and just felt no energy for anything.

When I went out to do the chores tonight, I was walking towards the birdhouse to help the ducks in when I felt a slight breeze on my left shoulder and I turned my head- in time to see my beautiful cat disappearing under the car. I still have no idea what made me do it- what intuition or vision I saw in my peripheral vision that I still cannot 'see' in my mind. However, I turned and walked right over to the car and then I grabbed Jeeves by the tail and scooped him out by his tummy. And there hanging from his mouth was a bird. My first thought was a mixture of pure frustration and sorrow -after all he doesn't eat them....he just kills them and the sorrow of watching such a beautiful creature die just hurts. They are so beautiful, delicate creatures... I held his scruff and saw the bird fall to the ground- wings splayed, beak open in a perpetual hyperventilation and eyes of a deepest black. But tonight... it was different. A happy ending loomed!

As I slowly picked up the bird and cradled it in my palm, it stood, shook for a second, made a small vocalization and flew away. His flight was erratic and he stood on top of the yurt for a few seconds- almost as if he just needed to catch his bearings and then he was gone. And as I felt my wonderful cat, that friend of my heart Jeeves cry his anger and strike at my ankle- I laughed... a deep joyful, ecstatic laugh for the one who got away. For the one who is able to live for another day. For the joy, relief and blessing that tonight something I did mattered- really, truly mattered. Instant gratification!

I do things everyday that matter- but rarely am I placed in a way to save a life and tonight... I think I will sleep well! :)

To Struggle....

I love my son so much. It is sometimes such a struggle to watch him struggle... to watch his brain and body spin out of control when his parents are emotionally troubled. He is so beautiful and such a kind and empathetic soul. He has so many talents and so many people tend to only see his difficulties... and never see his soul underneath... just begging to be loved. He wants so much and his body just can't keep up all the time and he gets so confused by some things. As I pray sometimes, tears pouring down my face, asking the Father to help my son I feel so much that I can't describe. It can be so confusing to me to as I look at him and I feel this overwhelming love for him, this pain for his struggles, the physical pain from sometimes getting in the way at the wrong time, and sometimes even anger that the struggle is so hard for all of us. As Alma says – 'Behold I say unto you, I cannot say the smallest part of what I feel.'



I am so blessed to be his mother and I am so grateful for all the lessons that he teaches me and I am grateful for the opportunity to be a mom. But sometimes I am tired and I feel so weary of the struggle that I feel almost too sorry to do anything other than sit and cry. The last few months have been such a trial and pressing on has been sometimes more of a habit than a joy. But then I try to remember:

'Yea, I know that I am nothing; as to my strength I am weak; therefore I will not boast of myself, but I will boast of my God, for in his strength I can do all things; yea, behold, many mighty miracles we have wrought in his land for which we will praise his name forever.'

My family is truly blessed.

History of a Song: August - “As We Take the Sacrament”

This hymn is a common one that is sung during LDS sacrament services and is one of the few hymns that Mormons use that is truly ' a homegrown' product- both the lyrics and the music are written by practicing Mormons. This particular hymn is #169 in the 1985 English LDS Church Hymnal.

The lyrics to this song were written by Lee Tom Perry, who was born in 1951. He is the son of an high ranking LDS religious leader (L Tom Perry). When he was in his late teens, he served a two year LDS mission in Japan and later was an associate dean of the Marriott School of Management at Brigham Young University. He has worked in a variety of callings in the Mormon church including mission president in California and as a stake president. He is also considered an LDS academic who has written or co-authored a few books including “Righteous Influence: What Every Leader Should Know about Drawing on the Powers of Heaven”, “Real -Time Strategy:Improvising Team-Based Planning for a Fast -Changing World”, and “Offensive Strategy:Forging a New Competitiveness in the Fires of Head-To- Head Competition.” Some of his speeches while working at BYU were quite popular and can be found in a readable format online.

Daniel Lyman Carter wrote the music for this hymn and he was born in 1955. He is primarily a LDS composer/songwriter and has a few songs to his credit including the discussed one and “A Young Man Prepared”. He has received commissions from church leader to compose music for special celebrations such as the Sesquicentennial Celebration in 1997. he had contributed several compositions to Mormon church magazines and his works have been performed by the Mormon Tabernacle Choir and other groups throughout the Mormon church. He has also contributed articles on music to church magazines and he also taught and spoke several times at regional LDS Church music workshops. He also started a Choral group that performed for around a decade throughout regional Mormon areas and which put out a CD titles “Come Unto Him – Music by Dan Carter”. He has over 350 pieces of music in print and he continues to write and compose as well as publish.

This song is rarely heard except for the sacrament portion of the LDS church meeting, but it is one of my favorites. I am sort of biased though because the whole sacrament portion of the meeting is the best time for me at church. A few minutes of quiet to just think and remember the savior when I am sitting up and sort of awake- that can't be beaten. So what do you think of this song... many people I know at church do not like it which is a shame (well, I think so : ) Does this song give you any particular emotions one way or another? What are your thoughts...?

Yearning.....

The hole that Sarah Drew has left in my life has not been filled. Sometimes I wonder if it ever will. There are days where her face or voice flits briefly into my head, but before I can feel sad, it is gone. There are days like today where I seem to feel only her absence. It feels almost like I have been surrounded by space all day- a space that is constantly yearning for and missing her. I do not think that I have ever had a friend in my entire life who was so devoted, so caring, and just seemed to like me in every sense of the word. I still have two wonderful, beautiful and perfect friends with me, but in some sense, life has lost its savor since she passed on.

Bug misses her too. Trying to explain why he cannot see Gram Sarah now is hard and I am not sure that I have succeeded. I know I haven't succeeded in explaining how the afterlife -or the birth we call 'death' as one apostle put it- works. Part of that is that on some aspects I am not sure that I understand it myself. My religion is pretty clear about the idea that families that are sealed together in the temple can be together after the death of the family members. But it is a little vague on friends. When I die, will I be met by treasured friends? What about my friends who I feel are (in some ways) closer than family? Sarah is the only grandmother my son has ever known that has given him unconditional love, yet not a drop of her blood flows through his veins. Does the circumstances of her birth and my son's leave him in the hereafter without a family member that has meant so much to him... to me? And on a different note, does the circumstances of my birth leave me stuck with biological family that sometimes find it easier to cause pain in others rather than give love and acceptance?

These are all questions that I think I need to leave for Heavenly Father to answer in his own time. It is so hard to not know the answers right now, however. I think it is a sign of my struggling faith that I want a definitive answer NOW! I want to know that things will happen the way I want them to... clearly I am not interested in even attempting a 'thy will be done' in this situation. I want to know that I will spend time with Sarah again. That we will walk together and sit together and laugh and just enjoy each others company.

I need more faith. I need to remember her for all of her generosities, laughing, loyalty, and love. I need to remember that her love and confidence in me have helped me grow in so many ways. I am a better person for knowing her.

Seven Days Left....

In just a week I head back to Brooklin. I have accomplished quite a few things since I left to try and get my head screwed on again... some of which might not be considered accomplishments by a few people, but ya got to have some fun...right?

Anyway, here is what I have accomplished:

1. I am sleeping again and for the most part I am sleeping straight through the night.
2. I have seen a few films and had a few laughs.
3. I have worked at purchasing homeschooling supplies for Bug including French language books.
4. I have dyed my hair temporarily red/purple which looks pretty awesome and I have purchased a few more pieces of body jewelry to have a little fun with my piercings.
5. I have done my 'homework' faithfully with very few slip ups and my brain is feeling a lot less close to 'emotional bankruptcy'.
6. I made a list of goals for my future and have attempted to start them and break them into the smaller parts to complete them.
7. I finished the paperwork that the school needed so I can go to school this fall.
8. I just feel better and I have gained some weight.

So I have a week to finish up. I still have some work to do and will have for quite a while, but I think that I am finally on track. Finally! I promise not to waste the good and useful time I have left. I will continue to eat well and work. And I will also continue to have fun and rest so I come home refreshed and ready for the big work ahead. I miss my family and I am ready to be back!