Only Once...

Sacrament meeting had a very interesting effect on me today - I am not sure I was ready for it. I found myself listening happily to the talk when I looked into a different pew and saw a family. Just a simple family listening and trying to help the kids be quiet and as I watched, I absolutely felt my mind change. The longing for that simple experience that this family has every Sunday and takes for granted was so painful and so despairing to my heart that I could no longer hear the speaker... I could only sit and think as I felt the tears run down my face. And the words that came to mind began with “Only once...” And as I sat, here is what came to mind.

Only once have I sat in a Sacrament meeting side by side with my husband- on the day that my son was blessed.

Only once have I really loved- fiercely, romantically, fully. It still burns inside me today and I can't seem to change it... it feels like it will always be there and that I am tied and bound by it. It no longer feels safe.

Only once have I gone to Europe and that trip to Paris with my future husband is a memory that I cherish. Paris was beautiful and wonderful and culturally strange and enticing to me. I would love to do it again.

Only once have I lost a best friend due to their choice and betrayal... in that sense I am lucky as others may have had worse...

Only once have I seen an egg hatch into a tadpole and over time become a small frog.

Only once have I been pregnant... and felt life grow and swell inside me.

Only one have I gone to the temple to do my endowments...

Only once have I married... and after the pain of that forced separation I do not imagine I will do it again.

Only once have I sat with my son in Sacrament meeting since he has been able to sit on his own... I do so wish to do it again.

Only once have I sat in Sacrament meeting with my son and my husband while his girlfriend sat on the other side of him. Later he got his wish and his divorce, but for that moment we sat in church as a family.

Only once have I mourned a soul so strongly who is still living that it felt as if they were dead. And since they are alive I still mourn... I wonder how much longer it will go on.

My mind feels so hurt that I need to focus on getting through the day. I will admit I didn't expect that trial today and feel a little blindsided. These thoughts are so painful to digest right now... I am so grateful that some of them were positive- almost like my optimistic sense was trying to find the small gifts of joy in the despair. Send good thoughts, ok....

What Does Your Scripture Case Say About You?

For those of you who are highly religious, the idea of a scripture case may not be a new thing for you. Especially for members of the Mormon church who tend to carry and utilize often a set of four books; The Holy Bible- King James version, Book of Mormon, Doctrine and Covenants and the smallest... the Pearl of Great Price. When you have a few books to carry around, it doesn't take too long before you look for or buy something to carry them in and many people – myself included- carry them in a case specifically made for this purpose. These cases come in a variety of sizes, colors, and sometimes come with pockets, other accessories, etc... As every individual is unique, cases come with a variety of looks as they are decorated, sewn, or even embroidered as designed by the specific individual. And as I was sitting in church last Sunday, I was looking at the contents of my scripture case and marveling at the amount of stuff in it besides my scriptures. After taking some time to carefully go through the case, I thought and tried to discover what someone might think about me if they didn't know me... and only had my scripture case to look at for clues to my life and history.

The largest item in my scripture case is – not surprisingly my scriptures! :) I have all four books combined into one book which many members called a 'quad'. It is black and has my name embossed on the front. It is however, my maiden name, and so it gives no clue of my marriage at first blush. My scriptures have been marked in places with pencil as well as many different colors of waxed crayon and so that will probably confuse some poor soul in the future who tries to figure out what the different colors mean. Funny thing, but with very few exceptions... I used the color I picked up first when I was thinking about the scripture or the color that the verse caused me to think of at that moment. Certainly a lot of time can be wasted on attempting to classify and figure out what method there was to my color choices when there was very little structured method at all. My scriptures have a few different book marks in them and I took them out for this exercise as each means a great deal to me. This particular set of scriptures itself means a great deal to me because I purchased it only a few weeks before my husband proposed and he came into the distribution center with me while I picked them out. I found out later that he knew he was going to propose but wasn't sure how to tell me not to put my name on them as I might change it. :)

The next item is my hymn book. The same day I purchased my scriptures there was a small blue hymn book in the clearance section and I purchased it and had my name embossed on it as well. So it also has my maiden name, but pretty much no markings at all. In some ways it almost looks like I haven't used it at all, but it is my preferred hymn book for use at home and church if possible. Even though it is small and the lettering is small enough that it can be difficult to read, I feel more open to hearing the words when I hold it and sing from it. Nothing that I can really explain- just the way that I feel which may not be apparent without seeing me and watching me with the book

itself. Inside the hymnal, I have a small bookmark and two pictures. I use the book mark to hold the place of the next hymn during church or to mark the one that I am studying in my spare time and it was made for me as a present by my friend Toni. I haven't seen her in years, but I think of her every time I hold the bookmark and feel the caring and love that she has for me. The two pictures are very meaningful to me and I use them as a reminder of situations or people. The first picture is of a friend of mine when she graduated

from college. Katey looks beautiful, elegant and self assured. Her life has been a little different from mine and I aspire to look so calm, confident and beautiful when I finally graduate... well, if I finally graduate! ; ) The second picture is of Bug when he was about eighteen months old. The picture caught caught him in a rare moment of quizzical amusement and giggles.... and it was wonderful!

I have a few typical things- the package of scripture markers, two copies of the “New Testament” Chronology card (not sure why I have two...?), a large postcard with a picture of the scene of Lehi's dream, the Relief Society proclamation bookmark, and a pressed daisy that I have had for several years. The daisy is my favorite flower and it came from a bouquet that Rob bought me a long time ago. I also have two 4” x 7” pictures tucked into the pages. The first picture is of a portrait painted by David Lynn called “The Ascent.” The first time I say the artwork was in a museum in Utah. It took my breath away and off and on for weeks, I dreamed about the image. I saw the people in the portrait struggling forward, reaching out, pulling people up.... I felt their hands help me forward and I felt the hope in the struggle. We are not alone in our trials, we can always find help and support. Later on I found a copy of the picture on line and downloaded it to my computer. Then, after a trip with a thumb drive to the local drug store, I had my own small copy. I look at it at least once a week and I see different things, but I always feel a sense of peace and comfort while gazing. The last picture ironically enough gives me the same feelings, but its an entirely different subject matter. It a postcard photo that I made from a picture on the internet.

I am a serious Harry Potter fan and I was a very silly fan of Hermione and her group “S.P.E.W.” I loved to read about it and I spent a lot of free time in my life thinking about the questions that her group posed as well as the opposition she accidentally created in her zeal and struggle against the social norm. The lessons that I learned and ruminated on from some of the elf characters themselves; Winky, Dobby, and Creature. So I carry a picture of all three of them and the emblem of the group. I look at the picture and laugh at some of the images the characters create in my mind... Dobby wearing too many hats, Creature cooking or huddled over his picture of Bellatrix Lastrange, Winky crying and looking through her fingers.... so many images that create laughter or concern or other thoughts. For some reason that only my subconscious seems to understand, my scriptures and scripture study feels enriches with my picture of the elves. I actually don't feel terribly comfortable with the idea of taking it out of the case... that's something I might need to think about.

So what do you keep with your scriptures...? And what do the things you keep say about you? I'm curious... :)

My Daily Paradoxes

I am really struggling to find a way to say what is in my head and have been for two weeks... so I apologize if I sound confusing or silly. I feel like everything in my life is such a paradox – and I can not pretend that I understand it. I am wondering it maybe trying to write it down will help me understand any of it. I guess I don't know how much of the paradoxes in my life are really there or are really just my perception.... how I see things.

Some are easy to see and in some ways understand. The gospel for instance... very little of the gospel isn't a paradox. We gain life by the Savior's death and through our own. We get when we give. Suffering brings strength and joy, etc.... Those are paradoxes that I have understood for so long... or at least thought that I did... so I do not find them confusing. But I am am surrounded by some really confusing things right now.

I have so much to be grateful for. I am so blessed.... so why do I sometimes feel so keenly what I do not have? Why do look at my blessings and feel so much gratitude for so much and yet sorrow for my loses? Here are some other questions that I am dealing with....

Why do I feel so weak and so unable.... when others tell me that I am so strong? That they wish they had my strength....

Why can I feel so happy and so sad at the same time?

Why does my husband treat me so much better and is so happy to see me... when we will be divorced soon?

There was a time when I would have given anything to have good friends at church and to know that someone really cared. But I never felt really lonely. Now I feel alone even with friends. I want so much to be cared for and noticed... but I cringe at the idea that anyone might notice me... How crazy is that?

I should have more time than I did even a year ago... yet I feel like instead I have even more work and instead of revolving my life around an intact family... I need to revolve my life around the family that has left me but still do all of my new responsibilities. Instead of more freedom, I have less.

These are questions that I am really struggling with right now. I can't find easy answers or ways to understand the paradoxes they create in any way that makes sense. I feel like I almost travel in the world with a continuous mask on as I try to pretend I'm making it and I'm not tired and I don't need help and I'm not sad. And I hate depending on people for some of the things that I have agreed to so that I can keep myself going. I think that's just pride in the sense that I want to be the giver and not the one who needs right now. I don't know... my head doesn't feel much clearer. :)

Well, maybe I should end by mentioning a few things I am sure of. I am sure that Heavenly Father is not only away of my circumstances, but he is dipping his hand into the angry waters of my trials to help keep my head above the waves of my trials. He has provided me with a few people who I can trust and who depend on me and who I feel care about me in ways that I can't totally understand but I am so grateful for. I am so grateful for my new job. Quite a few people seem really happy to work with me and seem disappointed when I change positions and no longer work side by side with them... that feels wonderful! I am grateful for the family members who talked to me and encouraged me to start a blog. Sometimes when I see so many things going wrong and I feel like a failure, I can find it easy to decide that I can't do anything right. But even though I think a blog is supposed to be mostly personal and mine clearly isn't- almost everything I have ever written about have been on something other than myself- there is no doubt in my mind from the blog statistics and comments that I might be darn successful at that! I know that I have a talent with animals that many others do not have and I can not adequately explain the feelings of joy and satisfaction to see a feral, frightened and stunted animal slowly change to become wary... then slightly willing and then totally loving and joyful. (One of my greatest blessings is the past feral puss that I have named Morianna... she has been with me less but gives me as much love and joy as I can handle.) Even the ability to see near one without moving and watch one of the cats just observe me-you can almost sense the disbelief and confusion about me and what I might want... its a great feeling. I am sure that I am loved. And lastly, I am sure that someday I will understand so much more than I do right now. I just need to keep putting one foot in front of the other and doing what's right. So... I'll keep going I think. :)

Building A Support Team.....

Do you have a support system? After doing some study this week, I pretty much realized that I do not have a solid support system and I need one. The ability to learn how to develop one is not only a much needed skill, but something I truly want. I want to not only have a support system, but to be an intricate part of other support systems. So I took the time to make two lists. One list was of current important relationships and one was of past important relationships. And there came the challenge. My most important relationship is with my husband and even though that relationship is changing, it still is my most important relationship and has been for almost two decades. But I will say that I am not sure how supportive it really is. I don't think that any relationship can be strong and supportive if only one person is interested in that and is uncommunicative. Rob is important to me for so many reasons. His strength and positive energy I have found supportive in times of trouble and confusion. His smile has always been a constant and it has never failed to give me a joyful lift every time I see it. I look to him for someone that I trust to talk to, to help solve problems, and as a friend. That relationship is clearly changing as we go through the beginning process of divorce and my husband works on changing the relationship. So I am at the beginning of developing a new life path and I have the wonderful opportunity to be able to learn and actively develop a new support system to help with that. What a cool thing!

My family of origin has had a lot of influence in my development as a person and as a leader. How much of my emotional and physical development that can be easily pushed onto my family, my original personality, society, etc... I do not know and I don't think that really dissecting it in the past has really done much but cause blame and anger. Needless to say, I left my parent's (almost said mother's -that' blaming I think :) home at eighteen years old with very little confidence in myself and with few marketable skills besides the motivation to please and a high energy level that allowed me to perform work faster than the average bear. I think that I carry almost literally the heavy burden of emotion and experience of the past on my shoulders. If I was to try and decide the role that my family played in my growing as a leader, I think that I would need to re-frame it. I think what I can do is to say that I learned to survive and to depend on myself. I learned to appreciate caring friends and I learned to understand and be more tolerant of differences and mental illness. These skills have served me well in my life and have really taught me an understanding, compassion, and service for other people that I think I wouldn't have gained any other way. A diagnosis is no longer something to fear... it's just a silly label and it doesn't change who the person is, what they think and feel, or in most ways what they need. So I am willing to step forward to help others that many people do not feel comfortable spending time with and I can laugh and become friends with someone and not focus on their 'labels.' One thing that I learned from my family is to please others and I am trying to find a medium ground where I please others, but I do not harm myself in the doing. I think that my genuine understanding and re-framing of my past family experiences can show me the positive aspects of the skills that I learned and help me to also grow and learn from the difficulties that I see people still struggling with in my family.

This might sound a little bit of a cope out, but I do not feel like I have any really important relationships in the past that was truly influential over a period of time in a positive way. I can think of many people that had influenced me for short periods of time and mostly in positive, 'friendship' ways. Maybe in some ways I am still seeing the term leadership in too rigid a construct. Friends do help me to learn how to be a better leader by being a leader in my own life. My friend Katey has been very influential in helping me to be introspective in a way that is positive and can sustain growth. She has helped my confidence and she always is willing to say the hard things- if she needs to tell me something hurtful that is useful, she will do it. How many people have such a real true friend? Katey has been instrumental in helping me keep my mental health in my current life situation and my ability to laugh and see many things in a positive light. I think that she will be an important part of my support system as I move forward.

I have mentioned before that I do not think I have really had any mentors... at least not in the sense of what the word means to me. One person that pops into my mind is a friend of mine who died a few years ago. Her name was Sarah Drew and she was sixty years older than me. I met her at church and she became my closest friend and confidant for many years. In some ways, I think she does count as a mentor as I did tend to take her advice when it was given and she also taught me how to survive through really difficult situations. She was a child of divorce and the Great Depression, had three divorces herself, four children and a nursing career. She was a wonderfully caring person. She would let me know that I needed to stand up for myself... and she was willing to stand up to people a lot bigger than her to protect me. She could be quite fierce when people were intolerant and mean and I will always miss her... and I wish I could have been closer to her age so we would have more time together. I think there are a few ways that she helped me develop important skills. She helped me to develop strength and stamina in adversity and there were many times I might have stopped coming to church without her loyal and calming influence. She helped me to learn that family was what you made of it and not necessarily what you were born with – my son still misses Gram Sarah. She would listen to me, give advice, and support me in my trials.... and I would give her rides to church and to appointments and help her to accomplish the things that mattered to her... but she wasn't physically able to do anymore. Our relationship has ended in this life and I will not see her again in the flesh, but I still find that some of the things she told me still inspire me today. I sometimes modify my behavior remembering things that were important to her and how she would want me to behave. It helps me to look stronger in my difficulties and helps me to find humor and joy in even the really yucky things.

I am not sure I would still be alive much less still be in college and working without my friends. I know which friends I can count on now due to my current situation and yes, my list has definitely whittled down and has fewer names on it. But those friends have been tested through the fire of my current challenges... and have stayed. I think I can depend on them for anything. While there are only five of them (and they know who they are :) A few of them will give me honest feedback and I can share everything- I will say that while I know I can share, I find it difficult to do so. It's truly a flaw in me and not my close friends. One of my close friends has been close to me for six years or maybe a little more. Some of the qualities that I think I bring to that relationship are compassion and love, energy, a blending of strengths and weaknesses and personalities that really seem to crave each other. I am a lousy cook and she is not and loves to cook. I love to weed... and she doesn't really find that really enjoyable. We can discuss the really hurtful things in our lives and know that neither of us will be rejected no matter what. She is safe in so many ways and has made my life more full and joyful. I can think of a friendship with someone else that did not work out for me and has in fact changed my whole life. I can think of a few things that I would have done differently. I do not think I was tolerant or understanding in the way I needed to be. I think that I needed to understand that she just couldn't trust anyone and so I shouldn't have felt so threatened. I should have believed in myself more and understood. I also should have helped to keep rigid boundaries so that the friendship could continue to thrive. That said, I learned a lot and it appears that no matter what I gave that relationship, my friendship was easily thrown away... so I don't think that it was a good friendship no matter what I did or did not do. But it was a lesson learned and I learned it in a big way. :)

I have never had or thought about having a personal support group. I will say that I think I need to contemplate it. It sounds like a great idea in my current situation. My son had a support group at one point and I will admit that it didn't really work... but I am not sure that was the group's fault. If I had a support group, I would run it in many of the same ways. I would have five members and I would have us set goals for myself over the next few years. We would meet and work together to help me move forward through my current trials. I would like to potentially add a few members that do not think exactly like me so they could have a different perspective on my situation. I have so much going on in my life right now- it would be nice to have others to clap me on the shoulder and help me with confidence and with making priorities. Being surrounded by people who genuinely want me to succeed and were willing to help me work towards it would be quite a gift.

I am currently actually working on building a professional support network in the job that I just managed to land/get hired. I am now working on developing relationships with other postal employees so that I can call when I have questions and hopefully increase the amount of hours that I can get. I have been driving to close post offices to introduce myself and I have been working hard to show my flexibility and to develop relationships that are positive with my co-workers. The relationships are not close, but I am hoping that they will become a good network that I can receive help from, but I can also provide help for. I would include the few employees in my post office but also a few employees for the other close post offices. I am also a BLS instructor and I have been trying to figure out how to develop a network that can make that job more stable and consistent for me. Figuring out how to network this job is really hard as it really is a lot like self employment. I need to sell myself against other people in the same job with very little work available in my area. What I have been doing is making fliers and hanging them up and faxing the fliers to a list of businesses that I have slowly accumulated numbers for and sometimes that is helpful and people call me and I get work. I would love to get a networking group together where we could work together to help each other get business. I will admit that I am not sure how to do that- I have been working alone for quite a while. But I think this is a good idea... and I think I need to try it! I would need someone from my training center as they could help me find clients, someone who works in the school system and maybe even someone who works for licensing for the state. Seems like a tall order but I do think it is doable...

I am not really sure about the idea of a board of directors for my personal life. Would it make my life less chaotic and crazy? : D Anyway, I guess I do not really understand the question because I am not really sure that I understand how a board of directors is really a lot different from a support group. Is it basically that a board of directors has more authority to get things done. So if I thought something was good and the rest of the group didn't... they could overrule me whereas a support group can give advice but I can totally ignore it...? It that was the case, I think there would be many positive and negative experiences with a board of directors. If I was too focused on something and couldn't see the pitfalls, the board members could actually force me to look at other viewpoints which might be good... or bad if they were wrong. Other good points would be the variety of experience and backgrounds that could bring more ideas and diversity to my life. I have closed so many aspects of my life up and having a group of people that could in some ways force me to be more open would be horribly scary... but I might really find that it would be positive for me and my life experience. I think that I would like to have a group that is stronger than a support group, but has a little less power than a board of directors. We could work as a group to help me move forward, but everyone could agree to some work or tasks and would be held accountable to the group... but mistakes or life happens and the accountability would be personal and in the group. I wouldn't want harsh accountability or authority because that might make people feel like they should be more accountable to my group then those other people and trials in their lives. That is why (in my opinion) corporations have a board of directors and the rest of us have support groups. Because corporations out of necessity try and get their employees to give everything to them... and that the employee's personal life is very much second. In a support group, everyone is important and your presence and how you feel and your experiences matter. If you are having personal problems that interfere with your attendance or participation in a support group, people are concerned and will try to help. In my experience, if your personal problems affect your job as a board member, you have very little leeway and you are very likely to lose your job or other negative consequences. The idea of creating a unit with traits of both groups is very attractive and I will take some time to think about it.

My Greatest Crucible

Everyone of us has trials in our lives and some of these times can be called 'crucibles'. In many ways, our lives are a 'series of crucibles'. I think I am going through my greatest crucible right now. I am going to go ahead and post this but I will slightly edit it for a tiny bit of privacy. I thought that analyzing my greatest crucible (at least my greatest to this date) would be productive and I think it has been although very painful. So here is goes...

Trying to write freely about this event is one of the hardest things I think I have ever done - I really think I am in the crucible now. I have been relatively homeless for over a year, (edited out) I feel awful. I feel like a failure, a horrible person and an ogre. I feel alone, scared and desperate. I haven't called on very many resources and haven't felt like I have had many. I have tested the friendship of the one person I have had left. In some ways I have made myself a martyr. When some leaders from my church discovered the situation, they have worked to get me to accept resources and have offered comfort, resources and open doors that were closed many years ago by others in the church. The issues are not resolved. I will be safer this winter and less likely to freeze to death. I have food and I am working towards getting a job I need very much. I work everyday to think about my blessings, what I am hopeful for, and to remind myself that I can be a force of positive energy in my life and if I work hard enough maybe for others as well. I am not sure how my world views are currently being shaped. I know that I have spent the last year trying to really look internally on my own (I have no insurance) and try to see who I am and what I want and what I can be. I know that being in the service of others is one of the few things that really helps me to feel joy and awe in my life. I know that my family and a few others are the only people that I feel joy around with few exceptions. I think that I really need to see what I am thinking a few months and years from now to really understand how my greatest crucible has caused change in my and my outlook and views on the world and the people around me.

Looking at mentors in my life, I am not sure that I have had any true mentors if I look at it in the physical sense... that is, I do not think I have had people who have been in my life and attempted to guide me and I trusted them. If the definition of a mentor can be vague enough to open the field a bit and look at a mentor as a trusted guide or counselor and I am able to include people who have shaped my thoughts from indirect means-meaning their actual physical presence wasn't necessary and our interactions together were few to non existent... then I can think of a few :) If I stick with physical people that I have actually had interactions with then I think the first person I can think of would be Joy Demain. As a teacher, we rarely had experiences that were personal in the sense that other people were always around... and the people tended to be peers so I was less likely to be my 'real' self. In fact in those days, I think I either wanted to please so much that I had a quite desperate quality about me and I also had an energy level that was unable to be matched by most of the people around me and so I was basically in some ways out of control in my enthusiasm, exuberance and 'joy'- if I was out of my household and around any one that I liked then I felt a sense of joy that I see now as not joy but an attempt to get as much of me and other positive emotions filled before returning home. I looked up to Ms. Demain and I feel uncomfortable even writing her first name down here – she was always the teacher and I would never have dared to call or think of her by her first name. She lived in a way and an openness that I admired and wanted.... and still do not understand how to be. I few things that she said to a group of us stuck with me and did influence in in some ways. I didn't try to go on and become an actress because she didn't feel I was good enough. She thought that people who get married before the age of 25 years old were more likely to get divorce so I didn't consider it a possibility to get married before then and I married at 27 instead. The other person I can think of I married and I am attempting to stay married too. The mentors that have shaped my thoughts from their writings have really made the most change in me have actually been mentors I have collected over the last two years- they are Thich Nhat Hahn, James Faust, and C.S. Lewis. I have really studied over the works of Thich Nhat Hahn to work on my problems with anger, James Faust to understand other people and to develop confidence and tolerance, and over the last few months I have discovered the mature C.S. Lewis and I am using his works to shape my thoughts on religion and grief... although I think that he isn't able to shape my thoughts on religion too much as I tend to agree with him and not actually 'change' anything. :)

Looking at my past and opportunities for leadership, I am not sure that I have ever developed significant 'leadership' skills. I think that I have spent as much energy as possible avoiding leadership activities. I think part of that is my misunderstanding of the difference between a 'leader' and a 'supervisor/boss'. I am changing my viewpoints on those definitions currently. :) The only think that I am pretty sure that I have learned is the small lessons that together have brought me to this point. I think that past experiences haven't really been crucibles because I haven't struggled through them or tried to learn anything positive... I have simply tried to survive to get to a new point (and hoped that point was good.) Most of the small lessons seem to have worked in a negative way- to close me off not for growth. Learning to re-frame these experiences is something that I am trying to figure out how to do. Trying to figure out how to change my perception of my past is something that I have been having difficulty with. Many experiences from my past are holding me back- or more correctly I am allowing them to hold me back.

In conclusion, I am on the path to moving from 'I' to 'We', but I haven't made it yet. I think that the huge experiences of the last few years hitting me one right after another and all of them being big, painful and life changing events have brought me to this point. I would like to learn how to finish this transformation and how to truly re-frame my experiences so that they are not baggage and are positive and uplifting instead. Hopefully, I will learn some more techniques in this class to help with this journey. I do not feel like the hero in my journey... but I do feel like I am a lone traveler on my journey. I would like to feel like a pilgrim in a group on a great pilgrimage. That vision sounds nicer to me. :)

My First Two Earliest Memories - Description and Analysis

This post is quite bold and doesn't paint me in a very good light. I decided to post it here for the few people that read my blog by simply coming to it. I think that the thoughts and analysis are painful but important and I think that hiding them is not useful to my growth as a person. So, here it is and I hope that you will not think too poorly of me from the knowledge....

I do not have a lot of early memories and the few that I have are really not positive ones- I wonder how many other people feel that way? I think that the few that I have do mark key turning points because they are the few that I remember and I seem to remember them and the emotions surrounding them so clearly even today. The very first memory that I have was playing on a beach with a new beach set – a pail, rake, etc… I remember feeling free and busy and finding my first hermit crab. I remember the smell and the delight of this really neat animal and my glee and almost greed to collect as many as my pail could fill to give to my mother. I remember the excitement and the intense focus I gave to my work- to find as many as I could to give to her and they needed to be big and have neat shells and I might have even felt a little bit of greed- I am not sure on that. But I remember filling the pail- it was brimming with this crabs that of course all wanted to get out and I had caught them all without being pinched or harmed and I brought them to my mother… who was revolted and angry and yelled about my foolishness and ordered me to go put them back one by one. I remember the shame and my hurt and when I tried to dump the pail, my mother again emphasized that I needed to individually pick each one up and put it back nicely. And I remember crying and putting my hand into the bucket and finding it impossible either through my tears or impossible in general to pick up a crab without getting pinched. I remember completing the job in silence by simply lowering a finger into the bucket and simply allowing a crab to latch onto my finger and I would bring it up and pry it off onto the sand. I would change fingers as they really started to hurt and even bleed, but I remember my sorrow, my fear, and my rejection… and a little bit of anger and a feeling I recognize now as a feeling of being alone and having no one who actually cared – not sure what word describes that. I can look back on that experience and see that experience as one that I would only repeat again when I was thirteen years old. (I saved my allowance for six months and purchased a ton of different gifts for my parents for their wedding anniversary- My mother hated every single one and pointed out why it was worthless, useless or simple stupid/bizarre. At least with my parents I have not repeated this experience.)

My next earliest memory is slightly fuzzy at the beginning as I think the beginning of the situation must have really been experiences over a longer period of time. I remember standing next to the blue car that my parents drove for years (a blue Chevy Malibu I think) and looking at my cousin in front of me and feeling angry and jealousy so strongly towards her and her smile which wasn’t very nice. I remember her opening the car door and getting a book out of the back that was mine and having her look at me and say that if she wanted it, all she would have to do was ask my mother for it and it would be given to her and I just felt so much anger and hatred and jealousy I think– I don’t know really what I was thinking, but I pushed the car door with all the force that I could muster and slammed the door on her hand. I remember standing there feeling a slight bit of satisfaction as all the adults cooed over her and my mother told me how awful I was and she gave away my book. I look back at that memory over the years and I do feel a little bit ashamed, but I recognize that I think I also knew that I was going to lose a prized possession, so I think I thought I might as well get something for it. Unfortunately that is a lesson that I am trying to unlearn even today. :(

These are my two earliest memories and I am able to see a few turning points in them when I look. The first memory was from when I was around three years old and I think I learned to ‘grasp.’ (When that word came to mind I had an image of Gollum from Lord of the Rings in my head, but as much as that image is horrible, I think in some ways it is an accurate one.) Instead of learning impermanence and that things in life are not guaranteed, I learned that maybe I could hold onto things I cherished harder and to hold anger and frustration when they were unfairly taken away. I learned to only hold a few things cherished, but those things are sacred and the angry and frustrated that I would feel up to a few years ago at their loss was pretty terrible to behold I think. (I have really been trying over the last decade to deal with an anger problem that while not violent didn’t seem to be entirely under my control. I think I have gotten a lot better, but I am not sure if I really have or if I simply believe myself to be better.) The other experience was when I was around five years old or maybe six and I think what I learned was that I couldn’t control anything so I tried to find ways to create control out of fear and also create good reasons for my loss – if I was going to lose something, then I wanted something in return. The idea of striking back is still one that I am struggling with. I think that I have beaten it, but some people who are close to me say that I have not and my husband has told me that he would never have married me if he had known how vindictive I was and still am. The thought that I harm other people still causes me a lot of pain and has caused me to withdraw from almost everyone in my life and I don’t see that changing any time soon – I feel too much fear.

I think that is the story of my life... I feel too much fear. And I think this may have been too honest. I feel like I have picked up a big rock to see the disgusting slime and life underneath and it isn't very nice.

The Tale of the Donkey and the Blackberry

I am so busy lately with my numerous responsibilities and preparations that I have been right straight out and have had very little time to do anything extra... and my blog has clearly suffered from it. :) But I thought that I would share a funny experience that my craziness created this morning.

It actually started last night. I came home from my last day of work (for now) with my boss and introduced her to Casey and we had a few minutes of fun with him. A few minutes later I realized that I couldn't find my phone and I thought that I had left it at the post office. I smiled to myself and decided to have a night off without email and calls and just to work and enjoy my family and get some rest. It seemed like a good idea at the time.... In hindsight, I probably should have looked around more carefully for my phone!

At six am this morning my alarm on the phone went off. I was sleeping very deeply and so I didn't hear anything but a huge and unusual howl from Casey. While the noise and braying was quite unusual, I was so tired... and my husband was closer (yes, a sign of how lazy I can be sometimes)... so I stayed snuggled in bed and woke up slowly. My husband, however, got out of bed and discovered the problem. My phone would vibrate and the donkey would step closer. Then my phone would trill and Casey would jump back in fear and anxiety... and the pattern would repeat itself.... every few seconds.

So I have my phone back and it is drying from the heavy dew and dirt that settled on it overnight. Casey is calming down and I got to spend time chatting with my husband before the Bug woke up and we started our day. And I have an insane urge to laugh every time I imagine the scene of the Casey and my phone. I am sorry that he was scared, but I will admit that it must have looks absolutely hilarious! I think I will enjoy that image for the rest of the day... and I hope you do to! :)

Have a great day. :D

In the Blink of an Eye...

A totally scary thing happened this afternoon. My husband had taken Bug up to town to do laundry and to take his service dog to the veterinarian. Everything went pretty well until at one point Bug's impulsiveness managed to override his rational thought and Bug jumped out of the car and ran across a busy parking lot towards the street. We are lucky as he was unhurt and was stopped by someone who recognized and 'caught' him. But that was seriously a close call.

Bug's tendency to run really seems to stem from his sensory problems. From the moment he could walk, he would run. (After all why walk anywhere when you could get there faster.) When he was around 3-5 years old, he could literally run for hours and I was a very fit individual then... exhausted, but fit. :) I remember one experience vividly in my mind when I was struck by the realization that my son's sensory needs were so high and severe. As a family, we were hiking in a park up a steep hill with a very strong wind that seemed to push us back down the hill. My husband and I would turn our faces and our bodies so that the wind didn't strike us directly and other hikers would do the same... Bug would face squarely into the wind and laugh as it pushed and pressed at him. His long curly hair flying straight back along with the ends of his jacket whipping in the breeze... and he was clearly not only enjoying the sensation but craving and needing it. I felt like he was trying to embrace the wind. The joy and satisfaction and almost ecstasy on his face was breathtaking to see. (And a good lesson on adversity as well.)

In some ways that period of time was easier as my husband and myself were always on the alert ready to run, stop, or tackle him. His impulsiveness and inexplicable running have faded with time as his sensory needs have become more controllable and integrated into his nervous system. And in some ways that has added more danger as we rarely have two people on top of him constantly and we as parents are no longer constantly on high alert- which is probably healthier for us... but not for Bug. It only takes a moment for the potential for life to change in ways that we do not want. One blink could be one blink too many.

Of all the blessings that I count at the end of my day, I am so grateful for the opportunity to spent the evening with my son- still safe and whole. I am grateful for a husband who does try so hard and is a great person and my friend. I am thankful to go to sleep with my family still intact and well. I am so grateful that my son really does seem to be well on the way to conquering his sensory disorder... maybe someday I can work on conquering mine. There are so many things to be grateful for. I am truly blessed.

A Body-Altering Experience...

I had a body altering experience today. It's still amazing to me that life can really in a matter of seconds alter and twist in such a way that the path you were on has disappeared.... a little like Alice on a path in wonderland with that cartoon broom that sweeps away the path and you find yourself standing in one spot... unsure of where to go, not sure of what your choices are... and recognizing that the longer you stand there is actually a choice in itself. Indecision truly is a decision.

But instead of a mind altering decision, I found a quick way to alter my body structure. I was standing talking to my husband when my son jumped from the top of a calf hutch onto my back. He thought it was fairly funny – my son that is. But I caught him on my shoulders and neck. I am not sure what sound exited my mouth but it wasn't happy. I think it was the quickest way I could have found to totally alter my spinal column and still be able to laugh about it later. So I am going to spend the rest of the day in bed on an ibuprofen high and think about the fun morning I had with Bug... and not follow through on my other plans today. It only took about four minutes to realize that a massive migraine was coming and I was going to be hurting quick.

It feels like I just had a baby a few years ago,.. and now my baby is nine years old, 60 lbs and about 4 ½ feet tall. I am 5'6” and 120lbs.... so my son at his age is almost bigger than me and the games that used to be fun when he was three are really not as much fun. But the glory of life is in the living and in the life changing events that remind us that life isn't for the weak of heart and spirit. While my day is not ending the way I thought it would, it is a good day. I hope it is for all of us.

Some Blessings for Today- 2/13/11

Today is a day of mixed feelings.  I found myself looking forward to this day... and truly dreading its arrival.  Last night I lay awake, tossing and turning, thinking and wondering... just trying to figure out what choices I need to make in my life.  What choices I really have... and how the choices that I could make affect those that I love, those that I no longer call 'friend', and those that wander in the communities that I inhabit.  Today, I go and sit with a few of the most amazing priesthood leaders that I have ever met and discuss my thoughts and my choices. That day is here.

I recognize that I am not the only person who struggles.  I recognize that I am not the only one who struggles with this particular trial... nor have I shed the last of my tears for it.  However, I would be ungrateful if I did not also recognize the fact that I am truly blessed and that I know that I am loved and cared for by many including my Heavenly Father.  And so today, I thought I would take the time to not just say a quick thank you for some things to my Father today.  I thought instead I would articulate why I am so grateful for them and what they mean to me.  I will not articulate all the blessings I think of today- just those that today I truly feel deep gratitude for right now and this moment in time.

1.  I am so grateful for my husband.  He is the most important person in my life.  He taught me what love really is and what loyalty and joy can be.  He has shown me patience and the quiet strength of a friend and partner. I love him and appreciate him for so much, but I especially grateful that I had the courage and the faith to share some personal things with him today... And that he will listen and doesn't seem to judge me harshly.  I am so blessed to be yoked to such a wonderful person!  I hope to remain so.

2.  I wore a skirt to church today.  First, having a good reason to go to church so that I was forced to go was great... Otherwise, I probably wouldn't have.  But I haven't had a dress.  Yes, I have had church clothing in the past, but every dress I have but one now feels tainted and I got rid of them when my son got so upset at my putting on a dress on Sunday- dresses are clearly loaded now.  ; )  An acquaintance of mine was chatting with me a few months ago when I was looking at dresses at the local thrift store and knowing my situation, she wouldn't allow me to buy a dress that day.  She said "wait until you find a dress or a skirt that you look at and like and then buy it- do not make yourself another burden in the shape of your clothing."  I took that advice and I found a skirt a few weeks  later and a few days later a vest that I liked looking at... and actually felt a brief thrill about the idea of wearing them.  So today, I go to church in a skirt.  I look ridiculous- especially with my uncombed hair, my silly toe socks and my 'bitey' rooster... but I am grateful to be at church and in a dress- no matter how ridiculous I look.

3. I was able to put the October conference onto my Blackberry so I was able to spend my 1 1/2 hour drive listening to the first few conference talks and hymns.  I think that they were just what I needed today- especially the talk from Elder Holland.  It is such a blessing to have the technology to listen to conference on a different day and time than when it originally comes out... which is pretty hard for me to see due to my lack of technology- ironic that!  :) I think that my brain was ready for church when I got there and I felt less trepidation and more anticipation for the wonder ahead of me.

4. When I was growing up, I was surrounded by some pretty bad examples of the priesthood and what the word 'priesthood' actually meant and entailed.  It can truly color a girls outlook on the priesthood to see guys who are out having sex serving the sacrament the next day... and having your mother tell you how much better than you they are. When I moved to the 4th ward out west, I got a better idea.  But then I moved to Maine and the idea became very confused and muddled again. Some men used the priesthood authority to try and bend people to their will. A family who had been unemployed for eighteen months was able to finally get a job- which he held for two months until he was given a choice of the job or the temple recommend (and no the job was not inappropriate). I watched people being treated badly- including myself- due to false doctrine, prejudice and fear. I watched women use priesthood holders to accomplish things they couldn't do alone... and so when I stopped attending church in late 2009, my thoughts on the priesthood were confusing to be sure.

And then my stake presidency stepped in. I think that I have finally seen what the priesthood should be and what priesthood power really is... and I am so grateful for the love and caring that I have in the priesthood- I am not sure that I have ever felt it before so strong and in such a positive way before. I should thank Heavenly Father every day for the men in my stake presidency, but I do not. I want to truly express how grateful I am for them right now. I think that my head and my life would be in a much less positive place without them.

5. I came home tired and exhausted and I managed to get a nap which I have needed for days. The idea that I could take a nap- I could just decide that I could and do it is a new one for me.... and I am very grateful that my life has a little bit of flexibility that I can do a few small things for me now. It is really nice and I will never take some things for granted again- or at least not for several years from now! :)

6. I am so grateful for my close friends who are really supporting me in so many ways right now. I think in some ways, a few of them have saved my life. :) And my son is always in my thoughts and keeps me motivated to keep trying. My life is better because I know them... and what else can a person truly want in life?

I hope that all of you have had a blessed day and are ready for the week ahead. Do you have some blessings that you would like to share?

Today...

1. I did a good deed and helped feed over 300 people.
2. I shared a hug and a birthday wish with a friend.
3. I finished some history homework and I am almost caught up from being sick.
4. I only almost cried once.
5. I shared a nice moment this evening looking at the stars with my husband... and we move forward..?
6. I made Val laugh- a herculean task!
7. I had a good dinner with a surprise dessert from my husband- g/f blueberry pie :)
8. I am warm, safe and not feeling too stressed.
9. I am truly blessed to have such good family, good friends, and the strength to deal with my challenges.
10. I know longer think of my challenges and secrets every second of the day and can find joy... at least it is becoming easier.
Today... was a great day!

Something I Didn't Have Last Time....

I know that a few people who got my newsletter this year had raised eyebrows at the contents. After all, while I didn't 'lie'... I sure left a lot out! I guess I feel like lies of omission are better for people who cannot do anything and really do not need to know what is going on. Sort of rude I know... but for the best I think. :) I feel like I can be more honest here because so few people read it... although I am still being pretty vague so I obviously do not think I can be totally honest... :D

My major trial hasn't changed for the better in many months. And yesterday, I learned that it really isn't changing for the positive at all. I know that things will get better. Things will always get better! I know this and I have faith that it will change. Think positively!

I had quite a time last night. I lay awake trying to find ways to sleep and trying to get past my fear. I ended up listening to 2/3 of the fifth Harry Potter book- draining both my phone and my computer well into the morning. But I faced my fear- on Christmas no less- and survived long enough to see the sun come up and laugh. Sometimes, life is hard... but it does go on. Remember, it always goes on. And it gets better... :)

Going Home...

Well, my 'vacation' is almost over.  I feel so many emotions about going home- both positive and negative.

I have made sure that I have had a great time.  Allowing myself to mope and moan endlessly seemed foolish and wasteful of an opportunity that could be looked at as an opportunity... and not just as an unwelcome interruption. So I have thrown myself into many activities as well as trying to focus on the positive. I have found that a combination of distraction, work, and a slight unburdening of my soul have really helped.  While I still feel that my burden is unfair, awkward, and fairly heavy... not to mention the pain,  I feel like I am stronger.  I feel like I can stand taller and I do not feel as alone.  I know that a relationship with Heavenly Father should be enough- and in many ways it is- but I really seem to need to be close to people.  The more isolated from people I feel, the more weighed down and negative I seem to feel.  And while I still am finding it difficult some days to stay positive, I have found a peaceful feeling that comes to stay a little longer each time. This trip has had so many highlights...  where to begin?

I will start with family. I was lucky to see so many people on this trip including two people who have been like family to me for decades... but more about them in a moment.  :) I was lucky enough to hang out with my favorite Grandpa in Heber and almost all of my uncle's and aunts. (I didn't make it to Provo to see my aunt there, which is one of my disappointments on this trip- I hope she knows I love her!) I have spent very little time with some of my cousins in my lifetime- one I hadn't seen since I was ten years old.  And I was blessed to spend some good quality time with them, was able to spend time meeting and learning about their spouses and children... and I feel like they are more than names and pictures to me now. I was also blessed to see other family out of state and I left each family member genuinely sorry and torn to go.  I truly made some great memories this trip and felt like I truly have some extended family that love me and support me- no matter how crazy I act or how many strange twists my life takes as I forge ahead. I haven't always felt that and I am so grateful... grateful for caring and supportive people and just grateful for supportive family.

I was also able to see two great friends on this trip... and a few awesome new friends who are supportive and fun to be with.  I haven't seen my friend Tru in years.  We have shared so many things together like theater and friendships and over time, he has become as close as a brother.  If we are unable to talk for years, five minutes or less are all that is needed.  I was so lucky through a few twists of life to be able to see Tru and his new wife Sarah on this trip as well as his daughter- both of whom are so beautiful and kind.  They took me out for a night on the town and then several hours of conversation- I didn't go to sleep until 5:30 in the morning.  It was definitely memorable.  They even introduced this 'ludite' to Wii - by the way, I stink at it.  Still clumsy after all these years...  :D

And I have been able to spend lots of time in Washington with my best friend.  Another name I call her is 'sister'.  She may not share my blood, but she has all the other attributes of a person whom Heavenly Father has attached to me.  She is caring, kind, honest, loyal... so many things.  When I am broken, she helps me stand, listens even when I am sure she must be tired of hearing some of the same things over and over and over again.  I have gained almost ten needed pounds on this trip and my head feels 'steadier'.  I think it is easier for me to really make decisions and I have found it so much easier to pray and really feel like my brain is clear enough to possibly hear answers.

I have been able to do lots of shopping as well.  Christmas presents and church textbooks and discs with talks are tucked into my bag for the flight home.  Some packages are winging themselves to Maine as I write this.  I was able to buy the materials for a quilt- and make it as well... plus learned how to play two new games (I think I liked Ascension best) and just had a blast.  Even had my first trip to a mall in eight years- I don't think I was missing much though :)

So I have managed to have a lot of positive things and interactions happen on this trip.  But I am aware that the situation that compelled me to take this trip has not changed and in some ways is worse.  I have some fear of returning home and I know that I have my work cut out for me... as well as patience and loyalty.  I am not always sure that I am up to the task, but I do need to try.  I can already feel some of the stress and fear and hurt creeping under my skin... and except for prayer and patience, I do not think that there is anything I can do to change it that I am not already doing. Change is hard, but inevitable.

Wish me luck- I'm going home!  :)

How do you know that you are ready for marriage?

A few weeks ago my teacher asked this question:

"How do you know if you are ready for marriage? Discuss this issue, and formulate some guidelines to help people decide whether they are ready to marry. How do  "The roles of forgiveness and sacrifice play in the readiness for marriage"? Please include some of the material from Olson in your answer."

This question really made me think. The next four paragraphs are my crafted response:

I guess my first thoughts to this question is does anyone ever really know if they are ready for marriage? At least in my case, you can do everything you think you need to to be ready for marriage and then realize after-wards.... that you were totally not ready. It seems a lot easier to see things and problems in other people than in yourself and so deciding if you are mature enough for marriage is really easy for someone who is immature and doesn't really know that they are immature. To know whether you are ready or not, you first need to know what you need to be ready... which requires that you actually know what you need to know. I think that can be a hard topic. I did put the question out to a few friends and one friend had an awesome answer that I will post here:

"Egad. My first line of thoughts was about choosing a suitable partner, but that isn't what you're asking.  The first time I married, I was crazy in love.  I don't recall giving much thought to long-term ramifications, but I was a lot younger then, too.  We'd been living together for two years already, so the day-to-day stuff had already been resolved. We were married three weeks after he proposed.

When I agreed to marry my current cohabitation partner, I thought it over a lot more.  In fact, he had to wait almost two years from when he first broached the subject to when I agreed.  This time, I gave a lot of thought to what partnership with him would be like, and what I would need to compromise, and whether I was capable of those compromises.  I think I'm a lot more realistic this time around.  I also go into it knowing that, if the marriage fails, I'll be able to take care of myself emotionally.  I think it's important to not get married because you want somebody to take care of you for the rest of your life, in any aspect.  It's nice if they do, but if that's why you're getting married, you're setting yourself up for disappointment.  Nobody is responsible for me but me.  So I guess I feel more ready this time, if also more cynical."

I think that forgiveness is such an important thing to do and be able to do. If you hold a 'tally' of the person's wrongs up all the time (even if it is only in your own mind), it will eventually overload your marriage- my thoughts here. It's hard to stay in love with someone if you are always focused on the negative aspects of your partner and his/her potential 'mistakes' and 'mistreatment'. Grudges also harm you internally- how can you love others if you have anger in your 'self' and how can you love yourself if you are crowding out that love with anger and frustration and even hatred. Also sacrifice is important because each of us will want others to sometimes let us have what we need. Sometimes to give us what we need, we are asking others to give up wants or even put off their own needs because we feel 'ours' need to take precedence. That can be walking a fine line... but sacrifice can help a couple to stay sturdy and show support for each other and their needs so that both individuals feel truly cared for and supported... not walked on.

After a few weeks, I still feel fairly strongly about my response. What has your experience been? If you had been asked the original question that I entered above, how would you answer it? Please share! :)

2010 Poetry Corner # 5 - "My Husband..."

My...

Honest
Understanding
Sincere
Battle-weary
Amazing
Noble
Devoted

My...

Loyal
Observant
Vital
Empathetic
Romantic

My...

Funny
Reliable
Intelligent
Exciting
Nice
Desired

….... :)

Introspective

Loving
Organized
Vibrant
Exhausted

Yummy!
Optimistic
Unique

!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2010 Poetry Corner #2 - Robert

I have a man, a man who lives with me.
I love him so; he is a part of me.
I wouldn’t know how to live my life without
What will I do when life turns inside out?
Will we be together after my last breath?
Or will love live on in separate form
Will I have to live with someone else for eternity?
Without the one who makes me want to live?