Happy Easter

Today is a most unusual Easter for me. Usually I'm extremely thankful to have Easter as a day off of work. Usually it is a day to rest after I've worked so hard for weeks and weeks and weeks. Today I start Easter fairly well rested because I've been able to rest since my surgery and I haven't worked for days on end. I haven't taught CPR and I haven't gone to the pharmacy. I've just rested. My body feels it and I feel rested even though I'm not sleeping well. In fact, I'm looking forward to a day with family because I feel rested enough to enjoy it and enjoy their company. I have so much to be grateful for today. I'm grateful for my Savior and his sacrifices on my behalf. I'm grateful for my family and friends and their sacrifices for me too.I am grateful for so many blessings many of which I either do not remember or do not acknowledge. There is so much to be grateful for on this day. Happy Easter to all and may all have a beautiful day no matter what you're celebrating today.

Gratitude - 12/29/18

It's so dark so early these days that it almost feels like I should be headed to bed at 6pm. It's only 5:30 right now and it feels like it's been dark for so long it feels like it's midnight. These are the days that it really is a struggle for me to be able to stay up and accomplish things and to try to keep a normal sleep schedule. Of course with my insomnia and other issues, a normal sleep schedule is pretty much out of the picture anyway. Doesn't mean that I shouldn't try though.

1. It's pretty cold these days. I am really grateful for a heater that has propane and a house that has electricity to help keep me warm. I try to keep them low to conserve on energy, but I'm very grateful to have them because I would be very cold without them.

2. My feet are always cold and so I always have socks on them. I am very grateful for warm soft socks that I can wear anytime I want. And I'm grateful for a quantity of socks that allows me to change my socks as often as I wish and still have plenty of socks to choose from. I am a bit of a Dobby.

3.I had some maple sugar candy today and that was wonderful. I really haven't had any before and it was sort of blissful to feel all the sugar melt all over my tongue. I do not eat sugar or candy very often because I worry about it health-wise, but it was nice to splurge today.

4. I'm so grateful to have some awesome history lectures to listen to. Right now I'm working my way through a Great Courses/ Teaching Company series entitled "The Peloponnesian War. The professor is excellent and I'm enjoying the lectures very much. It's nice to be reminded of some of the things that I learned a long time ago in class but to hear about the values and morals of different groups of people that have been gone for so long. We may have stolen some of our ideas of government from the Athenians, but we are just as different as we are similar today. Anyway, I'm really thankful to have the lecture to listen to and enjoy.

5. I enjoyed having Bug over last night and it's always a joy to wake up and hear him talking and waiting for me to wake up. Sometimes he seems to get up too early for me, but I'm still glad he comes over anyway.

6. I was pretty sad that the Turnstyle wasn't open today because I was looking forward to going back after a month away. But I managed to channel that energy into rearranging and working on cleaning a corner of my living room the desperately needed it and I am so glad that I got that done. While physically I hurt quite a bit I am so happy with the results.

7. Listening to Cyril purr is a beautiful sound indeed....

8. Ferrets are awesome!

Wrong Number

I got a phone call around 4:30 this morning. I woke up quickly feeling an almost immediate sense of panic- after all nobody calls at that time in the morning unless something is wrong- and breathlessly answered the phone. I feel extremely blessed today. Of all the things I quickly imagined getting a call from so early- Rob or Bug being severely ill, ditto with a beloved Aunt or Uncle, or random images of other terrifying possibilities. Instead I got a nice man asking for a gentleman that I didn't know. When I said he wasn't here I got an explanation that the caller was from security down at the lab (I'm guessing Jackson lab but it is only a guess.) We quickly figured out that he had transposed two numbers while dialing and he was quite apologetic. I must have been amusing myself because I know that my voice exuded gratitude and not annoyance as he might have expected. So I started this day grateful for the safety of family and friends and I carry that feeling as a talisman today as I go about doing errands and housework. While it is frustrating that I took a medication to sleep and finally was successful at sleeping past 4am... I find myself too thankful to get all worked up about it. I do wonder what was going on at the 'lab' though. Curiosity about that tinges the gratitude a tiny bit. :)

A Bug Day...

I spent most of the day with Bug today. We had a lovely time eating sausages (Bug's new favorite food) and winter slaw and Bug was very insistent on introducing me to the Shrek films. I sat through the first 'Shrek' and then 'Shrek Forever' and I did manage to survive the experience... which is good because he says he has two more to watch with me next time. I will confess I am a bit lost trying to figure out all the characters and how they matter in the story. I do like the cat though... oh course I love Puss In Boots.. I am so silly about cats.

I am a bit tired, but I am ready for my very busy week. I had running water today and I have a clean house with no dishes that need to be washed. I feel mostly recovered from my SVT last night and I am hopeful that I will sleep well tonight and have lots of energy to start the week. Here's to hoping ;)

Mina Snuggles

I rarely sleep on the couch for many reasons. It is fairly uncomfortable, I tend to feel cold, and as the couch is a major cat stampeding ground I can find myself waking up feeling like a soft mountain being pummeled by the rush of feet and purring... the sound of the pounding of the feet echoing in my ears for minutes afterwards mainly because the stamping tends to continue. The full extent of the stampede tends to start in the kitchen then up the counter onto the stove, then the kitchen table, then the island... then down to the floor and onto the couch, then down the couch and onto the television and a leap to the top of the treadmill with a last drop to the plant table... and then back to the kitchen to start the circuit again. As you can imagine, that kind of behavior is not conducive to sleep. Actually, it is not conducive to doing homework either when you are trying to type as Salem leaps up onto the table leading the others running right over my keyboard. Sometimes their toes rip off keys and my colorful language after some of these episodes is loud and contains lots of sighs and stomping.

But last night I had friends over and, as I had loaned them my bed, the couch had my name on it. And as I settled in, Mina jumped up and squashed herself in between me and the back of the couch. She is a funny cat. She is very hesitant and reticent during the day- many of my good friends who come over often have rarely caught even a glimpse of her. But as soon as the sun is low enough in the sky that dusk has settled she allows herself to wander within eyesight and fairly close to me. And when it is dark and only vampires are up and moving, Mina is at her ease and ready to cuddle, play and purr. She doesn't like to hang out on the bed much though as there are already a few cats stretched out on it every evening. So it felt wonderful to have her come up and squeeze herself in such a small space and quite touching that she would reach out a paw if I started to move or adjust myself to communicate that keeping me close was her fondest wish. That was wonderful and it was with a light heart that I was able to try and fall asleep again after every stampede... for she would reach over and push me down reminding me that my job was to sleep and hold her. A small gift last night. :)

A Lazy Sunday

Today was much needed. I spent most of the day with my Bug and we hiked, cooked, ate brownies, and laughed. I am finishing the day with lots of drawing and completing of homework for the week. However I thought I would share the joy of the rest today in pictures..... enjoy. :)

I feel very blessed and grateful today. I hope all of you had a wonderful Sabbath experience and day today. :)

It's Time...

I have had a nice sabbatical over the last several months and I am ready to begin again. Writing is such a part of my head and my heart that I am thrilled at the idea f starting again. I have some outlines on topics for this year - history fans, etc... will have quite a few things that they will enjoy. As I head to sleep on this beautiful evening on the first evening of this year, may we all sleep well and tell someone that we love them and how much they mean to us today. Let start a great new year together! And if you have any specific requests for the year, please share in the comments. :)

2015 Poetry Corner # 1 - ' A Winter Morning'

Softness, comfort, surrounded by warmth
cocooned in the dark and the quilts
content purring fills the air
soft fur splayed across my cheek

Outside is cold; oh, bitterly so!
But inside, all is cozy and adoring
the blessings of a winter night at home
a warm bed, a peaceful heart... :)

2014 Poetry Corner # : "Catnip Pillows"

The cats are potted; all is chaos
paper ripped and flying in the breeze
created by running, stampeding cats
A small square pillow flies through the air
and is caught by another
and the pace becomes even more frantic
For an hour, all is in disarray
and then....

We all sleep- laughter and peace in our hearts
I love you and bow to your power
the green, the strong.... catnip!

A Lovely Evening

I am headed to sleep- truly a beautiful evening. :)

2013 Poetry Corner #9 - "Night Swimming"

A click and the darkness flows
quickly to fill all space
cool sheets press against my cheek
arms flayed, spread out
feet dangling in the air

a slight breeze moves the air
leaving ripples of breath and hair
floating, gliding, sinking in the deep
and even though my physical sense hasn't moved
hasn't budged, hasn't twitched

I sense the waves of exhaustion flow in
the riptide of need to rest, to forget, to lessen
A whirlpool of darkness, soft voices and purring
And you sink down, down into the abyss
the light patterns on your lids begin to fade
from white to green and blue
and suddenly you're gone and only spiritual remains

The tide flows by and pulls you in.....
… the hamster on the wheel
… the fears of your heart
… the images of film explored
… the joy of memories relived
… the revelation of things to come
together they flow, merge and tug your mind

As they merge, your breathing slows
yet your mind is full of visions
sometimes you backstroke and float unaided
and sometimes your fears win

Suddenly, the blue turns light
the darkness quickly fading
the movies gone, the images dissolve
only the emotions remain, dripping off
My eyes crash open, appendages start to twitch
consciousness and self break free

A stretch, a yawn... and the images are gone
A day of possibilities beyond
and yet I smile and think of evening
for the joys of night swimming

A Night of Solid Dreams

Friday night was absolutely amazing...! (Probably not the way to start a post without having it potentially misconstrued- so don't worry! It's clean. :) I have been struggling to really sleep for months. Sometimes I will get a decent night of sleep, but for the most part I just toss and turn and get up and read or listen to music and eat and play with cats or my hammy; in essence, I don't sleep. When I feel so emotional and tired that I am truly desperate I will try to work myself out of any potential thread of energy left, fill my stomach full, and take two benadryl and I will usually sleep. I will still wake up and toss, etc... but I can go back to sleep easily on those nights. One thing that tends to bring me back to wakefulness is clearly my thoughts and worries and plans as I am trying to move forward and get through this difficult time to find an easier path. The other thing that forces me awake and tends to keep me up is dreams, which have been really challenging over the last few years. Some are so bad that I wake up totally covered in sweat and just panic stricken. In some cases it takes me a little bit to realize that it was a dream and so I am confused about the change of scenery and dress. I understand that dreaming in color is not very common so it is a blessing that I have, but I do wonder if that helps with my mental confusion after some of the really horrible dreams. When I come to work and look pretty awful after a bad night, I will joke about being 'hag-ridden' and we can all have a nice laugh, but I will admit its definitely not funny at the time. I have seen some paintings from past centuries where artists have tried to portray the fear and confusion and of course the 'witches' and 'demons' that caused them. Those painters do not inspire laughter... at least in me.

This week was a typical week. I have been working a lot of hours and haven't been sleeping well at all. Charity is learning to follow food through a hoop and I have discovered that Egg likes smoked salmon and he will try to open the fridge door to get it- that's a big step for him. Several weeks ago I tried an experiment and I took apart the mattress I made and I folded down my 'couch' futon and I have been sleeping on it. I haven't really noticed a difference in my sleep the last week so it sort of confirmed to me that not only do I definitely have insomnia at this point, but it's probably my head or 'me' physically and not anything in my environment. Disappointing, but doable I guess. So that night I was tired and just started to do the normal getting ready to sleep stuff. I got off of work and then ran a few quick errands so that I would be all ready for the Sabbath. I got home, emptied my car and then got to work on the house. Soon it was spiffy and I had heated up a quick meal with lots of fat (I think it helps me feel fuller and sleep better) and I had a nice hot bath. When I came home I had a package from an awesome friend and it had a light but snug king size comforter in it and so I climbed into bed after my bath with a good book and that comforter. As soon as I felt like I could sleep, I put down the book and I actually slept for six hours... a real record for me these days.

The kicker was that I still dreamed and the dreams were really intense. I have been working on trying to mentally 'change' the dreams, but I have had very little success. I'm either so tired that as I try to change it I fall so deeply back into it that it doesn't work... or I become so frightened that I am pushed out of the dream altogether and then I'm awake for awhile. This night, I don't actually feel like I mentally changed anything. The dreams were not as bad as usual, but I felt like the images were seared into my brain along with the emotions that they caused so that when I did wake up I was sure of a few things. One image that happened a few times in the dream was that I was following either a ex-friend or walking with a current friend. When I was walking with the friend we were laughing and joking and just talking.... I'm not sure what was going on with the other scenario because I never felt like a stalker; just like I was in that position for a reason. At some point I would 'feel' something that I can't really describe... just a really strong feeling like something bad was coming and it was going to cause both of us to die. In both scenarios, I would reach out for the other person and would move them- either by pushing or tackling- and I would throw my body over theirs. At one point and I still feel and see this image inside, I looked up as I was crouched over my friend and the air was literally moving and pulsing.

I have been having this dream off and on for months and I have no idea what it really means... if it means anything at all. These images have come back into my mind over the last few days with the recent bombing in Boston and I have thought of the people who ran away.... and those that ran towards to sounds and terror. In my dream I knew something was coming so I could make a active choice and prepare myself... those who ran towards to terror were not sure what was happening or what they could do, but in that split second they decided to try. How wonderful and faith affirming is that! I hope we can continue to pray for all of us- in Boston, Syria.... in so many places where people are suffering through horrors and pain that many of us will never experience. I really hope that we as a race can keep working toward peace with each other. It is one of my fondest wishes.

2013 Poetry Corner # 2 : Evening Prayer

The best moment of the day
To kneel in the quiet
Surrounded by darkness
My mind jumbled and crowded
… a moment to settle
… a deep breath

The words form slowly and then come
Tumbling and rushing down
My waterfall of thoughts
Pouring and crashing into silence
… my tears fall
… my heart pleading

The thoughts form patterns
My mind will clear
The heart feels lighter
My soul feels peace
… my head sinks
… sleep comes

Horizontally, the moment ends
Claimed by exhaustion...
May it come again!