Professional Participation Activity at the Birchwood Living Center

This is a paper I wrote on my experience last April of spending eight hours interviewing and learning about different ways of working to educate adult students with disabilities. It has been heavily edited for privacy concerns. I absolutely fell in love with this facility and I am grateful for the time I spent there. Without further ado, here it is. :)


Throughout this class we have discussed the many ways that education happens and how diverse challenges can be addressed to promote social parity and learning advancement in students. Our classwork has focused on school age individuals, public education, and uses and access to literature as many of us hope to work in the public education system. I was interested in how nursing or primarily medical facilities dealt with trying to stimulate and educate older individuals. After some research and discussion, I chose to observe and participate with teaching at the Birchwood Living Center located in Ellsworth, Maine. It is a program under the management of Yesterday’s Children, Inc. and is an inpatient nursing facility for individuals with intellectual disabilities and unique medical needs. The residential program can accept up to 15 clients at a time and the facility caters to all their medical, dietary, and educational needs. The clients that I observed in this facility were varied in diagnoses and medical needs, however, many were non-verbal and limited in many aspects of physical expression/ movement due to their specific disabilities.

I visited this facility on two separate occasions and participated in a few different activities- I will focus on day treatment and on understanding how this facility addressed the educational needs of its clients as well as the individuals specific medical needs that impact educational success (occupational therapy, sensory integration), as well as physical health.
All inpatients attend the Day Treatment program in a nearby building and this is where most of the group activities happen. A ratio of four staff members to eleven clients is maintained and it is this that makes this particular facility very different from other facilities who might care only for immediate medical needs. Clients are removed at different times from the group to complete some forms of therapy. I watched as a large group of clients was seated around a table making some get well cards for missing staff members. Some members were in regular chairs and some in specialized chairs while one slouched forward nearby wearing a helmet for their protection from potential falls. The majority of the physical work- picking up stickers and sticking onto card paper, bending, folding etc.- was completed by support staff. I observed questions and choices of stickers and designs asked by staff to different members of the group and eventual choices were made based on feedback received from group members. I am not knowledgeable enough to recognize how each member’s level of attention was focused. What I did observe was that I could start a conversation with someone, give them a marker or a pen, and suggest drawing, and I would get appropriate physical responses to my requests- a name written, a picture scribbled together. I rarely got verbal responses; if I did they were not usually words, but laughs, shrieks, and other noises. It was very apparent that the staff members could interpret correctly what was being said even if it was not clear to me; I still feel a bit of awe and wonder from watching that. I saw no behavioral difficulties that were out of the norm for each person- for some clients, aggression or self-abuse are common to their diagnoses and it is watched and redirected when appropriate.

Each individual who was removed from the group for therapy was removed for only a short time to a side room with a worker. Therapy available includes occupational and physical therapy to help promote functionality, mobility, and fitness for these individuals- many of whom are confined to specialized chairs due to poor physical independence. I watched therapy given to promote relaxation and encourage muscle use and development as well as sensory processing. Sometimes it was obvious that the person didn’t have any interest in participating in their therapy that day and they would make that abundantly clear in both physical and verbal ways. Redirection was kind and thoughtful and modifications in materials were sometimes made to achieve compliance without complaint. It is not required that all individuals must be in the group the whole time and I observed some patients removing themselves from the group for periods of time for their own comfort or privacy. Even with these wanderings (which were quietly supervised), it seemed that full inclusion was achieved to the best of each individual’s ability to participate.

As a potential future educator, I found this facility to be well- organized and primed to do the very best they can to help their clients progress in all aspects of their lives. Aspects of successful classroom activities were easily discernible in most parts of the facility: student pictures, artwork, and statements of patient rights were hanging on all public walls; teaching and therapy aids were easily seen and accessed; the day treatment facility has lots of natural light and appropriate ambient temperatures. There are areas for individual and group meetings, instruction, or medical or physical needs that are easily accessible. I also appreciated the other modifications that I saw all over the facility – such as color and areas for personal belongings- to attempt to soften the harshness and institutional flavor of what is an inpatient, residential facility- a difficult feat to achieve and not one that the center fully accomplished as evidenced by the obvious signs of institutional care and not home living. I look forward to learning more about this facility and its role in my community through future interactions.

What is Early Childhood Intervention and Why Is It Needed?

Early intervention (EI) is the process of developing a focused curriculum and treatment plan that is based on a thorough assessment and evaluation that fully encompassed an individual’s physical, mental, social and environmental challenged interspersed with and related to their diagnosis of a mental health disorder. By recognizing the weaknesses or challenges that a child is having with their development and actively trying to treat and change the way the body responds and reacts to the problem, early intervention has been shown to give those individuals affected with ASD the tools and abilities to responds more positively and culturally appropriately in their physical environments and in relationships with others. One reason that has been suggested for early intervention is that by helping and motivating a child to use areas of the brain that are not functioning well, new neurons and connections in the brain can be strengthened and formed. Other thoughts are that, by forcing the brain to have certain experiences, the ‘flexible’ young brain will begin to grow new connections and form new pathways towards more normal processing of information in the affected areas of the brain.

The process of early intervention should be used for all individuals that have been assessed and found to either be at risk of an autism diagnosis or are diagnosed. Another way of looking at it is that EI should be used for any individual found to have a delay in any aspect of the development process that could potentially be corrected with the use of therapy. Research suggests that the sooner… or ‘earlier’… in the child’s life that the intervention is made, the more permanent and positive change can be created in the child. How the intervention is utilized can depend on many factors including, parental or provider choice, what interventions are available, funding or lack thereof for treatment, the individual’s needs, etc… there are more than a dozen programs used for early intervention which include Floortime, Denver, SCERTS, and RDI. While these programs all have differences in how they attempt to facilitate change in the individual, the typical EI priorities usually work on forming spontaneous functional communication techniques, developing coping skills, and learning to interact and play with peers. Programs also tend to try and work on removing the motivations for negative behavior through different avenues and attempting to prevent the behavior from continuing to occur. Other samples of early intervention services that can be offered are speech or occupational therapy, assistive technology or auditory services, as well as counseling, medical or psychological services.

For a newly diagnosed child, one of the first steps is to create and develop an IFSP (Individualized Family Service Plan.) As part of that process, location(s) to begin therapy and what forms of beginning treatment should commence. Several kinds of information are incorporated in the IFSP including a rounded out examination of the child’s current development and needs, family abilities, resources, and desires, how and how much services should be provided and for how long as well as who is responsible for certain aspects of the treatment and also the goals or outcomes that are going to be focused on developing and achieving. For a newly diagnosed two year old child, an IFSP is developed and treatment usually consists of some forms of relationship development, speech or other physical therapies as well as work with interaction and self-soothing. For more newly diagnosed toddlers or babies, intervention treatment is usually performed in the home where the child knows their environment and will feel the most comfortable and open to the treatment.

It has been shown that early childhood intervention with individuals that struggle with developmental delays can create more positive social and future life outcomes. if you or a family member has used early intervention what have your experiences been?

Personal Musings on Gender Discrimination and Inequality

In so many ways, this is an amazing time of the year. It feels so peaceful and wonderful to enjoy this time before the struggle to get out in the snow and the piercing cold really settles in and the next few months feel dreary and hunched and dark. So as the semester winds down and we finish up, I find myself reading, contemplating and comparing some of the things learned this semester learned along with my choices, my life and those around me. My thoughts have drifted back to focus more on gender discrimination, harassment, the wape gap and gender inequality at work.

Gender discrimination at work is a challenging topic and how gender affects the work place and work flow is something that I am still not sure I understand even after the readings. The one thing I feel pretty sure of is that I think most of us do not really understand how gender affects them in the work place and how to change it. I have worked for a few different places and have lived in a few different states and even though I have been working for over two decades, I do not really understand entirely how my gender as a woman has affected me in the work force. I can only be pretty sure in a few ways of direct consequences and the readings suggested a few more for my contemplating.

One of the statistics mentioned this semester was that 88.50% of women believe that they have faced harassment and discrimination in the work place. I have dealt with some harassment myself and was fired when I was 23 years old and complained to a supervisor about a co-worker. One month later I was denied unemployment payments even though I had excellent performance reviews for the three years before. I took that experience very personally and only the readings that suggested that some others have been denied benefits for the same reasons suggested to me that the experience might have been more about my gender than me personally. I have managed to work pretty hard to keep to myself and to try and keep myself separate at work because I haven’t wanted trouble for myself and the only female supervisor I have ever had wasn’t a very satisfactory experience for me. I feel like my idiosyncrasies are more accepted by males and so I find that I feel more comfortable in female sparse environments. When I think back, I find that most of the harassment I have received has been from women unless it was overtly sexual… then I tend to have troubles with men. I seem to be doing very well at my current job and I work almost exclusively with men… I wonder how much of my difficulties with women has less to do with my difficulties with communication and more to do with preconceived gender roles by myself and my female coworkers.

I have also found that the gaps in my employment due to family concerns has potentially caused me some significant wage loss… although I do wonder how much of that can also be placed on my lack of easily definable job skills. I do not have a degree and have been trained by on the job or by personal study for many of my jobs. I am definitely a women working in a blue collar job- I am told I am a professional, but my work is fairly physically demanding and I have flexible changing schedules, and even though I am full time, I have very few benefits for it… even my health care comes from the medical marketplace. “Because a blue collar woman learns most of her visible skills on the job rather than in the classroom… she must undergo her training in an extremely vulnerable situation… (as such) there are few visible skills by which the entry level female blue collar worker can be assessed. In situations such as this, where there are few cues available to evaluate ability, evaluators tend to rely more heavily on external characteristics such as gender as a means for judging a worker’s competence.” When I re-read this statement, I thought about how easy it has been for other co-workers to claim my accomplishments for themselves and I can see how my communication challenges combined with that could make me look like an under-desirable employee. I found myself sad but also a more motivated to work hard to stay in the job I am in. I do not make enough, but I am comfortable and respected and that feels pretty awesome and comfortable. Having the stability and less stress makes the financial trade off worth it for me for now.

I too have thought that prejudice and discrimination against women in the workforce has been steadily decreasing over the years so the studies listed (Cox and Harquail 1991), (Stroh, Brett and Reilly 1991) were a bit of a surprise to me. I find myself wondering again how much of my experiences are very much based in my gender and less my personality, behavior, or job performance. I’d like to take more time over the break and chat with friends about this topic and their experiences and see if maybe I can develop a deeper understanding about how it affects me and the people I interact with – both male and female. That seems like a nice interesting survey to conduct. : )

Reading about occupational stereotypes and gender stereotypes in the work place held very few surprises for me. The major surprise was how much I do seem to buy into and live / make decisions based on my acceptable and assimilation of these stereotypes. I hated being a stay at home mom and felt like what I did was fairly useless and my self-esteem was very beaten during this time. In the back of my mind I do not see myself as worth much unless I do have a job and I do tend to see my wage as what my worth as a person is. I do see many occupations as being more gender specific and I can find myself surprised when I am caught in a stereotype assumption in which I have made an unconscious assumption about who someone is based on their work or title (such as doctor) and then discover the person doesn’t fit into the image I made in my mind. One thing I feel like I have picked up from the reading is that while society suggests that the genders are becoming more equal in the workforce, the confidence that women feel (myself included) in being treated as equal is pretty low and we are far more likely to be convinced that each of us is making informed and objective decisions while the organization is making subjective decisions…. I feel like all of us are making pretty subjective decisions and judgments…. We just do not seem to recognize it all the time in ourselves. I have a lot of changing in my thought processes to accomplish.

what are your thoughts and life experience on gender discrimination or harassment? How has it affected your life?

Thoughts on Google Voice…

* a link to the site.... :)

This discussion question was a sigh of fresh air because I have actually heard of and used the website suggested before! Until a year or so ago, I had a Google voice number and I found that it was helpful in a few ways. It offered me a second number to put on resumes and you can have the voice mails left on it forwarded to your 'original' number. You can also- I am not sure how as my ex did all that- set it up so that it will transcribe the message and send it to your email. It you have a limited cell phone plan and no house phone, a google voice number can really save you some minutes because you get the message without using any minutes to check the voice mail and it helps you to be able to only use your minutes for the important calls you wish to make. My cell company also had a way online to put a few numbers as family and frequent call numbers that would allow anyone to call those numbers and not use minutes... or I could use it and not use minutes. Our family and close friends would always call us on the Google voice number and so we were able to use the minimum phone plan with very few minutes but not really feel any kind of a pinch or too limited. It also would keep records of the calls which ended up being really helpful sometimes. I never used it to make calls straight from the computer because that option wasn't one that I needed, but I do like the program nonetheless as it was so useful in other ways. The only reason I let the number lapse was that I have an unlimited plan now and since I didn't use it on the computer, it was a small hassle to keep. But I would cheerfully sign up again if needed. It was great! Only downside that I saw was that the transcription would sometimes have problems based on ways that words could be pronounced or with accents... so I might need to make small translations of the translation myself- very rarely was the translation so off that I needed to listen to the message to figure it out. It would transcribe things like Harry Beattie to 'Harry Baby' due to his accent. Minor things like that really weren't an issue and did make me giggle.

So I watched the videos- there were twelve that seemed to be the starter ones. And I feel like I learned a few things and I remembered a few things that I loved about it like the personalized greetings. I had a few of those in the past and I really liked those... at least I had fun with them. I also learned about blocking calls- I didn't know you could do that nor did I know about the option for conference calls. This project has sort of convinced me to possibly sign up again. :)

Have you used it before? What are your thoughts?

Sideswipes of Ideals and the Clash of Life, Experience and Hope: Malcolm X

With the exception of knowing the name- having heard the title many times in my life, I knew almost nothing about Malcolm X. So as I sat in class and the lights were dimmed I was prepared (I thought) for learning and to discover more about the man that I knew so little about- a shame as a historian, but I will admit I am woefully inadequate on almost any topic on American history; that is semi intentional and a long story. I have seen a documentary by Spike Lee before and found it phenomenal. And each film that I have seen in class has provoked so much thought that I wondered what I would gain from this one besides a better understanding of the man's life. Here are my thoughts...

The start of the film with the burning flag was a really potent image. The flag- whether it is a stamp, a name, a picture, iron on art, etc... makes a very specific statement. It is a loaded image that creates a picture no matter who looks at it and in many cases makes a political statement as well. For some, the flag is a symbol of pure nationalism- some love America to the point of blindness and the flag symbolizes this feeling... the feeling of power and strength, the assumption of God's blessing on this, the best country. Even that God fits a profile- white, Christian, silent and unchanging through the years. For others the flag is a symbol of a country that they love and feel loyalty for, but they are also able to recognize that America and its flag can also be seen in very negative ways not only by some of those who are protected by its laws, but by many around the world. The image of the flag is seen for what many see as its true colors... the symbol of oppression towards many in the world... it's citizens, other states...anyone that isn't useful or in line with what 'America' wants. It's hard to attack these ideals and governmental policies, so people attack it's image... and that is the flag. There are many ways to insult or desecrate the flag, but burning appears to be one of the most popular. By total destruction as flames quickly like over the sewn threads and they vanish into smoke that is pulled up towards the sun. So, as I watched this image, I felt the pull of both sides of the argument.... those that I know who cannot see anything but their idealized vision of the world and those who have felt the pain and oppression that is the flip side of nationalism. And there is no middle ground- because individuals will force you be be part of one side or the other. I do not allow myself to use the flag or its images on anything. I do not use it on stamps, hang it on the wall, or even use decorations that use the colors or patterns that suggest or remind. I have been told by people that my dedication to that 'idea' is treasonous and that I am ashamed of my country, but I see a very fine distinction between love of my country and it's ideals... and the reality of what it truly is. What is truly does... and what it has done in the past. So I felt that pain and that anger as I watched the flag... and as it slowly began to burn, I didn't need to hear the world to feel the suffering, the pain and the anger. I could see it grow and build as the flag burned... a flame of heat that might never be extinguished...even though its object has vanished into smoke and ash.

So many times I heard the word 'boy'... and finally I got it. When I was in high school I used to call male classmates 'boys' if I thought they were immature or acting that way. One of them was black and the few times I called him a boy, my kind teacher would pull me aside and tell me I couldn't do that because it was racist. And I would walk away really confused and frustrated. I have never considered myself a racist and I couldn't see how the word boy could be racist... The N word, yes... but boy no. I see it now. More than twenty years later I understand and I am really horrified by my lack of understanding. As a silly white girl, I didn't get it and as an older but still silly white women I know see a glimmer of understanding and I am filled with the shame and remorse. Tyler, I never meant to really hurt you. I never saw myself as being racist or making any comment about your skin at all. I saw myself standing up for myself and calling out immaturity when I saw it. I am truly sorry. I wish I could take those words back and I will admit I do not use them anymore. Since I couldn't understand why they were racially offensive, I just didn't use them anymore. I learned new words that were probably more effective and I still use those. I know of no way to make amends for my ignorance and foolishness; in fact, I suspect that my new understanding shows how immature I was and what a small child mentally. I ask for your forgiveness and hope that whatever pain I caused was small and hopefully gone.

Elijah Mohammed : The question is -who are you?

All of us ask this question to ourselves at some point in our lives... and how we answer it determines our whole lives. His choices changed his life and the lives of many. Just as our choices change our lives. I know a few people who seem lost and I am unclear if they can answer the question that Elijah Mohammed asked. Sometimes I am not sure that I can honesty answer that question. There are times when I feel very confident of the answer, but the jargon that spews forth from my mind is a list of labels and if you think about it.... no person can be summed up in labels nor should they. Aren't labels really a way of wording or acknowledging a trait; a piece of the whole, but how can a label or lots of labels encompass the whole? I am a woman, used to be a wife, a religious observer, a writer, a mother, a celiac... and yet, none of those labels tell you much or give you a clear image of who I am, what is important to me.... anything. What a powerful individual Malcolm X was... to question and question and to work to really understand himself and develop his ideas. The self awareness and control that requires is something that many people never develop- it is certainly not one of my strong suits.

"Whites can help us, but they can't join us. There can be no black/white unity until there's first some black unity. We can not think of uniting with others until we have first learned to unite with ourselves. We can think of being acceptable to others until we have first proven acceptable to ourselves..."

This is a really strong statement and a hard reality. Back at the beginnings of the women's movement, many of the leaders that we are able to look back to realized that women would never be able to get any rights as long as any men were also denied rights. That is one reason that many feminists worked and fought for civil rights for African Americans. Malcolm X understood something very essential. Until we can look and work together in our smaller groups, we can easily be divided. Look at any group of people – your church congregations, family, school mates, etc... How easily they are challenged and develop divisions, cliques, and outcasts. Look how easily the American government talked the country into going to war with Iraq – You're with us or against us, patriot or traitor, etc... no middle ground. When those that are in power want something, it is easier to distract and the less powerful majority with other things and such definitive statements. It crushes dissent, freedom of expression and gets many of us to focus on things that are not really important. It's how many of us use our votes to help people enter government who will actually make choices that hurt us and our families... we are distracted by other things and issues that keep us chasing our own tails. We can see this disunity now between not only the races and genders, but between those with economic disparity, health issues, religion, etc...

"I told you to look behind the words and dig out the truth...locked us in chains, 100 million of us, broke up our families, cut us off from our language, our religion, our history.... "

My last thought is not a comfortable one. As I sat and watched the life of Malcolm Little unfold to the adult Malcolm X to the close of his mortality, I found the same question running through my mind. Martin Luther King Jr. was a wonderful man and did some great things. I mean no disrespect to him by my next question. I wonder why we as a nation celebrate Martin Luther King and his achievement... and gloss over Malcolm X. My thoughts as to why we as a nation do that are not very polite or politically correct. I wonder if we celebrate King because we feel more 'comfortable' with him. He is easy to like and his message while hard came through a man who in many ways was nice and easy.... Malcolm X can not be seen in rose colored glasses very well. If you put both the men side by side, Martin Luther King is much more palatable for a white audience- he was Christian to boot. And so we celebrate him and what he stood for and forget some of the things that he did that we wouldn't find acceptable such as his womanizing. (Malcolm X was clearly a more responsible and focused family man.) I guess I wonder if we accept him more because we are trying to turn MLK into a 'good black person' or make him more 'white'. That is not possible to do with Malcolm X... and so as a culture we push him aside. I wish I knew more people of color so that I could ask them: What are their feelings on both men and which one do they feel more comfortable with? Which one matters more when they look at history? And which man do they think was right? A long time ago, I heard the story of the first black mayor of some city whose surname if I recall was Ford. He said that in his job, he had to be 'fairer than fair' and couldn't just try to balance things. He had to always make sure that the balance card leaned more towards his 'white' voters so that they didn't feel he wasn't caring for them and choosing the 'black' population only. How many of our politicians (mostly white) worry about that? Malcolm X was accused of being a black supremacist and a racist and I cannot agree with those labels- He didn't want to destroy or damage the white race... he only wants the black race to have the same choices as the white race.... and the same consequences. It seems that even in our modern, tolerant world.... we haven't changed as much as we would like to think. I feel a bit like a small child again and the world looks different and stark and harsh. I wonder if we will ever be able to get past race in America.... I wonder...

“Wings” and What Not.... :D

So this week, I was able to watch most of a remastered film called “Wings”. It was a 1927 American action silent film (all words were written in borders) that starred Clara Bow, one of the great early actresses of film. The film was an original black and white, silent film w/ dramatic narration and some remastered affects that had been added (such as the orange, red plums form the back of disabled planes crashing to earth.) While this film was mostly based on war – WWII in particular, it had several aspects of the script and directing that I found interesting and worthy of analyzing and extra thought.

Clara Bow mentioned once that she felt she was put in the film because she was the studio's most popular actress and that the film didn't need her... but I will say that I loved her in the film and I'm not sure the film would have had the same 'open' flavor that I felt it had with her in it. To be blunt, I don't think it would have been at all enjoyable for me without her in it. It was her expressions and her feelings toward the character Jack Powell that actually drew me into the film and caused me to have interest in the film at all. Clara played a character called Mary Preston who found it very challenging to hide her feelings and love for Jack Powell. Jack was very attracted to another girl named Sylvia Lewis, but Sylvia is in love with a boy named David Armstrong. The boy's rivalry follows them when they both enlist in the Army to be fighter pilots and only after some tension do both David and Jack find a way to get along and become friends. The movie plot follows these two young men through the war as well as Mary Preston and how the war changed them. I highly recommend taking the time to watch it if you have the inclination.

One of the acting techniques that silent films needed to use in the past to help the viewers understand the plot of the film was to use written narration. When parts of the plot needed to move along faster, a little music and some written words could not only change the scene but also lets us as an audience know exactly how everything had changed- environment, situation, etc... In our current media, much of what we use to help move plot and emotion along is words. Films also use body language and facial expression, but words and sound really matters. Many films use sound and facial expression to help us to realize the thoughts of the characters we are watching. This film being soundless had only two options to let the audience know what was going on- the narration and the music... or the body language and facial movements. Pantomime is a wonderful skill and I felt like the written language in the film wasn't very useful to me... I felt pulled into the story through every movement on the character's faces. These actors used everything they had to express what was in their head and I felt like I could understand the words that that were said – even though I couldn't hear them- I could understand just from their faces and their eyes. Most of the emotions / thoughts that I could feel coming from the actors that helped me to understand what was going on seemed to come from directly from their eyes. At one point I found myself staring at Clara Bow and felt pulled in... sucked into her frustration and sorrow over Jack, fear for his safety and excitement over her new opportunity to drive which opens up her world a bit more. That skill- it is definitely a skill- is something that most actors these days can't (or at least don't) do. I wouldn't be at all unhappy if I found some time to finish the film outside of class. :)

So what silent films have you seen? Do you have a favorite? If you have watched this film, what did you think about it. This was my first introduction to Clara Bow and I would love to watch more things that she starred in. I felt like she was that good! Please share your thoughts... :)

Thoughts on Conversation and Healing...

When I was volunteering yesterday, I was given a blank diary from 2008 with beautiful pictures and quotes on different pages. I liked the pictures so I brought it home to glance through and a quote on one page really caught my eye. It is:

'One of the most valuable things we can do to heal one another is listen to each other's stories' – Rebecca Falls

I had three thoughts as I was reading and pondering this. The first was that it really is healing to be able to talk about what is on your mind- at least it is for me. When I do not talk about things it almost feels like bad thoughts are able to 'fester' and become an infection in my mind. And healing an 'infection' is a lot harder than trying to deal with the original thoughts. I can understand the need for secrets and for not discussing EVERYTHING on your mind, but I also think that many times, problems are more easily ironed out if the feelings and thoughts are discussed quickly. I think that having someone who cares for you and listens is great and does help in the healing process especially in very painful circumstances. I don't even think that they have to actually agree with you... to just be there and to care means so much.

Another thought was that some people do not feel comfortable listening or even being listened to except in rare circumstances. And other individuals have suggested that discussing a hurt can be not only complaining but harmful depending on the complaint. An example that I thought of was a discussion on Facebook where a friend discussed her hurt and anger at the treatment she had received by church members in her ward in Utah. Another person piped in and suggests that she was in the wrong to even suggest something bad happened at church because that makes the church look 'bad'. It was even suggested by someone that saying anything that can be construed as bad is 'anti- Mormon'... and so therefore this person is as well. In this case, an act of potential healing became another painful act which created more hurt, anger, and separation- even feelings of betrayal. Nobody, even the church defenders, were looked at in a positive light by the outsiders of the conversation that I heard from. And that feels fairly sad, because I have no doubt that everyone, including the original speaker, loves the Mormon church. But the conversation itself became another nail that could be used against the church instead of an opportunity for healing. While I agree that some people in some instances and due to our perception may discuss the same hurts more times than we think they should, I can see how that would happen if the individuals never felt listened to or had their feelings validated at any time in any conversation.

The last thing that I thought of was how polarized I feel our society is right now... and it feels like nobody wants to listen to anybody unless the individuals involved already agree on everything. I feel like the world is full of so much blame and anger and there is nothing that I can do. Yes, I can listen and I can pray and I can hope and show patience.... but I am just one. And it doesn't feel like it makes a difference at all. I go to the foodbank every week and I listen to those who are looking for work and have been for so long and have been unsuccessful for reasons they can do nothing about such as poor teeth, chaotic living arrangements, homelessness, disability, mental illness, no transportation, etc... These people are stuck in catch 22's and I cannot help them either. Heck, I didn't get the last job that I applied for and I am still looking. Last year, I joined a program to help my family become more stable, more financially independent and to get the help we need to move forward. The program is over and considered a success, with promises never fulfilled and our family even less together and stable than when we entered the program. We have no team, no help, less financial stability and our family is broken. We are more alone than we have ever been. And so many others are as well. In a world full of people, that doesn't really make sense to me at all. I want to help, but I am starting to think that my hands are not strong enough to even help/support me... let alone anyone else.

I really believe that being able to talk can really heal pain and sorrow (and anger) and can help people move forward. How can we draw a line so that people can talk without so much fear? The fear of judgment and being misunderstood looms large in many... including myself which is why I have learned to hold my tongue on so much. I am not sure that I am served in that regard as well. I do think that my soul is starting to fester which makes it even harder for me to feel comfortable around anyone. What can you do in your life to try and change this? What suggestions do you have to help other's feel comfortable talking with you? What would make it easier to talk to someone else when you need to spill? How would you support yourself if you needed some help for a while from someone outside your family- whether emotional, financial, etc...?

The Rise of Moscow after the Mongol Conquest

During the years of 1237-1240, Batu Khan and his armies overwhelmed the Russian military forces and the lands of Kievan Rus became a part of the vast Mongolian Empire- or the Golden Horde. Many cities were the worst for wear from this war, and the capital city of Kiev was no exception. Kiev was already a 'falling star' by the time that Batu and his armies arrived- in 1169, the city was captured and sacked by a Russian Prince named Andrei Bogoyubsky who then promptly moved his capital to the newer city of Vladimir- after accepting the title of 'Grand Prince' of course. Kiev's location was no longer as much of an asset as it had been at one time due to trade route changes and political re-directs so the country-state of Kievan Rus was dividing into two 'groups'... and groups that really had little communication with each other. When the Mongol armies arrived at Kiev, they razed the city to the ground and decimated the population who had resided there. So the time was ripe for the ascension of a new capital city in the Russian lands... and Moscow was ready and amply endowed through several circumstances and means to rise to the top of quarreling princes/cities to snatch at the number one spot. This paper will discuss the circumstances and advantages that the small city of Moscow had that allowed for its growth and dominance during the final years of Kievan Rus' existence and the leadership of the Golden Horde.

The land on which sits the current city of Moscow was inhabited long before the Russian city was built and named. Evidence shows early evidence of humans dating to the Stone Age with evidence from the Schukinskaya Neolithic site, the Fatyanovskaya culture burial ground as well as other sites. The first mention of the existence of the city of Moscow was in 1147 when it was used as a meeting place for two princes-Yuri Dolgorukiy and Sviatoslav Olgovich. In 1156, Yuri Dolgorukiy built a wooden wall and a moat around the small city... and he is the man generally credited with the founding of the city of Moscow., This 'mere village' was situated near Moska river and had ready access to the Oka, Volga, and Dnieper, and Don rivers and was rather insignificant when compared to other new principalities of its time: Suzdal, Vladimir, Tver, and Riazan are examples. Situated in the northeast section of Kievan Rus, the city sat on a relatively flat geography with moderate temperatures and huge swaths of forests. This small city was also ideally located in the migration path of populations traveling from the middle Dnieper to the northeast section of the state. The impact of the Mongols on the Kieven Rus state can be described as inconsistent- in this case location really does matter. In some areas, the devastation was large and hard to overcome such as in Kiev and Vladimir. In other areas the impact of the invasion was less felt and so areas such as Moscow had less problems with depopulation. In fact, Moscow notably had an influx of population due to being a less devastated and more protected settlement.

During the years of the Mongol oppression or 'yoke' as it was sometimes called, the Russian aristocracy had a custom of how inheritance was divided between the male children- or princes- of the household. This system, called the 'appanage' system describes a system where it was common for a Russian prince to divide his land into as many 'appanages' as they had male children. In the principality of Moscow, the ruling prince followed the system, but tweaked it just enough to change the outcome of the inheritance. Instead of dividing the property into equal pieces, which over generations would become smaller to non-existent when there were too many princes around, the ruling prince would leave a major share of his estate to the eldest son and only small pieces to the other sons. This had the effect of allowing the eldest sons to dominate his brothers and take their lands in arguments... whereas in other areas civil wars between princes were much more evenly matched.

This form of primogenitive inheritance helped give Moscow an edge over other Russian territories. In the beginning Moscow was considered of such little significance, that it was an inheritance to the very youngest son of Alexander Nevsky named Daniel in 1263. Daniel attacked and/or inherited a few other 'appendages' and was able to leave an enlarged inheritance to his son. One of his prodigy, Ivan I, was known to collaborate with the mongols and was considered so trustworthy by the Khans that he was given the title of Grand Prince and was put in charge of tax collecting throughout much of the Rus lands around 1331. Using his profits to buy more land or collecting more appanages through force, Ivan increased the amount of his holdings five times. Ivan also helped to transfer the residence of the chief bishop of the orthodox church to Moscow (from Vladimir) and so he was able to count on support from the church for his actions over other rulers and cities. Ivan I also had the advantage of having mongol troops available for his command to fight other Russian prices or kinsmen who he had a disagreements with.

So while other princes were spending their time dealing with more princes and land to fight with/over and not having good success, the rulers of Moscow were quietly successful in their quest to increase the size of their holdings. Individual princes from all over attempted to secure the support, influence and even military might of the Mongols for their own endeavors or for the title of Grand Prince. So inter-dynastic quarrels could now be brought and appealed to the Khan for settlement... and many were. It can certainly be said that the Russian princes were not passive when dealing with succession problems and many times the Khan was called upon to deal with these family struggles. But one specific situations helped move the Khan of the Golden Horde to look more favorably upon Moscow. Moscow's main challenger for the title of Grand Prince and for the tax patent was the city of Tver and the rivalry between these two cities had been fierce for quite some time. (This civil war between the two cities lasted about 25 years. One source describes the contest between these two cities are full of 'dramatic episodes of court intrigue, highway robbery, murder, and war.) However, in 1327, a violent anti-Mongol riot broke out in Tver with the death of several mongol officials- which effectively ended the Khans strategy of allowing each of the cities to hope to get his 'favor'. The army of the Golden Horde attacked the town of Tver, its neighbors and devastated the cities... among the leaders of the troops for this attack was Prince Ivan of Moscow. It was also thought that the city of Tver was becoming political allies of Lithuania- a traditional enemy which caused some worry to the Mongol Khan.

Due to the calculation and successful implementation of the 'appanage' system by the princes of Moscow as well as the implicit support of the Golden Horde, the military might of Moscow over other Russian principalities was fairly assured. So, it should not have come to the surprise of anyone that as the rulers of Moscow grew more powerful, the yoke of oppression would be less tolerable. In 1378, Dmitri Donskoi and his army beat a small Mongolian army at the Battle of the Vozha River and in 1380, an alliance of Moscow princes defeated the Mongol alliance at the Battle of Kulikovo- marking the beginning of the end of the Golden Horde's power in Russia. There is some question of who the winner was in this last battle if you are looking at it from the military point of view, but from the moral and human point of view, Russians saw that the mongols could be successfully challenged and that 'Moscow' was the champion 'of the oppressed nation'...and Dmitri Donskoi was a hero for openly challenging the Mongol army/occupation. His son Vasily I was the first prince since the occupation to have been named successor of a city in a will without the prior approval of the Khan and he started his reign by sending 'gifts' to the Mongols and not the full tribute.

The empire of the Golden Horde began to disintegrate around the reign of Ivan III- a prince of Moscow, who greatly expanded the territory under the control of the city and laid the foundation for the coming Russian empire that was ruled by czars in an autocratic system. By the time Ivan III had completed his territory grabs, he had all the land of Russia under his control and a unified nation- in a way Kievan Rus had never been. For decades, the Mongols had been experiencing internal conflict with fairly frequent overthrows and a new 'Khan' designated.

In conclusion, the world and the life that lives on it is experiencing constant change. Kiev, at one time, had all the advantages at her feet between water access, land, trade, people, etc... But as the world changed, Kiev's 'star' was no longer so advantageously aligned and another 'star' could rise. And as the state grew in population, Moscow is a city that is more centrally located- Kiev was very much in the south of the state. Also, travel and communication from Moscow around the state would have been easier due to its abundance of close waterways. Through luck, sheer cunning, and natural advantages, the city of Moscow rose to a prominence that it has continued to this day. From a small, meager village in 1147 to the city that now houses 10,563,038 people, Moscow has become the largest city in the state of Russia... and a city with a vivid, living history that can be seen in its buildings and people today.

Advice for Preparing and Collecting Interviews for Genealogy/ Family History

I read an article recently on history that I wanted to review for a larger audience. I thought that it was really important information to have available for someone searching for it. So here is a good summary.

The article that I am reviewing was written by Linda Shopes. One of the first things she discusses is the fact that the terms 'family history' and 'genealogy' are not always interchangeable even though they are used interchangeably in most societies. The term genealogy is defined as the 'reconstruction of a person's lineage through use of written records'. Family history, however, has a much more inclusive definition and can include genealogy- but also oral history, pictures, historical significance, etc... And there are many benefits to the use of oral history in the work of the 'family historian'. These can include, but are not limited to:

1. The discoveries in this work can enhance the historian's sense of identity and can help them gain perspective on their own life and give the historian's life more context and meaning.

2. The family members who participate in the interview process may find preparing for the interview and the interview themselves rewarding. Recalling life experiences and sharing them with others who show true interest can be not only rewarding, but give a sense of accomplishment and giving to the interviewee.

3. Gathering these records can be an impetus for developing and deepening family relationships for the historian as well as other family members... and the records themselves can help open relationships and appreciation for other family members that other members may know little about.

Another benefit that can be found by the general historical community is that if the family historian prepares these records and does the research to place the individuals in their historical contexts, not only are they more interesting, but they can provide information for the general historian about times and situations of which there may be very little or only misleading information available to study.

So it is important to carefully prepare for doing oral interviews. It is important to have the basic data for the family members that you are going to discuss and talk to. Then you should take that basic info and do some research on the historical and social times in the life of that person. Some places to begin for looking for family information are: the family bible, misc family papers such as tax forms, material objects, and also public documents such as -birth, marriage, census, wills, etc... One reason for doing the research ahead of time is to save time in the interview and spend the time on getting answers and recollections that you do not know or to get more information that you can only get in the interview process. By having some information you might be able to help stimulate recollections and its the next step to understanding individual lives in their relationships and social circumstances. It will also help make the historical setting and involvement more clear.

It is also very important to make sure you have a precise focus... and the focus that you choose can cover three specific areas. The first is the impact of major historical events and trends during the person's life. The second is technical developments and how they have changed the world around the person and that individual's life. The last is the various relationships of various aspects of social life- work, religion, community, family, class status, structure and dynamics of their life. This can also include family stories, traditions, customs, and beliefs.

You should also start with the family members that you feel most comfortable with and are willing to be interviewed... and as these interviews are successful, you are very likely to get more positive responses from more reticent family members- although older family members should be put at the top of the interview list for obvious reasons.

So when preparing for your interview, think about how to encourage extensive and thoughtful recall. Explore possible topics for the interviewee before the interview. You should encourage a mood of expansiveness and ask open ended questions. If necessary, you can ask follow up questions to bring the interviewee back to the discussed topic and always guide and encourage, but do not intrude and do not comment positively or negatively- try to be impartial. Each topic should be explored as completely as possible before moving on to another topic. You as the interviewer should be in a relaxed body posture, develop a good rapport with your subject, use nods and smiles and use clarifications and examples can be used after the question has been answered. Make sure that pauses are not interrupted by more questions; make sure the question is fully answered. Interviews should be in comfortable, informal settings with no background noise and the interviews should be slowly ended- not abruptly closes. A few closing questions with small talk for a few minutes and thanks is the recommended ending. And no interview should last more than a maximum of two hours- the interview will become more tiring and not productive.

You can also use a group to record oral history. A family group can be very enjoyable and valuable to the participants involved as well as the historian. It can provide more information as individual group members provoke responses and trigger memories in other members. A group interview can also highlight patterns of interaction among members and highlight the similarities and differences between the members.

In conclusion, Ms. Shopes had some words of caution. It is important to understand that some family members will be uncomfortable talking about personal things and will have little enthusiasm for your interview. Some will be unwilling to talk about personal things and will refuse outright. Others may have difficulty getting past the feelings of past embarrassment, pain such as deaths, etc... that they will have difficulty expressing or feel that they cannot do so. And some others will use this interview to try and sway the interviewer to 'their' side of a family quarrel or may only present the 'good' side of the information. The author reminds us - “Oral testimony, like any other historical source, needs to be evaluated both for its factual accuracy and for what it reveals about the attitudes and values of the interviewee.”

After the interview, it is important that the historian uses a good form of organization that allows for easy access of the information to others. Careful filing of pertinent information under the individual's name as well as good transcriptions are key. It is also an idea to make the transcripts available to other family members... and if possible to your local historical society or library for other researcher to use in their research efforts. The author does however advise that any family history that leaves the 'hands' of the family should be kept in a way that permission must be granted to use or view the information.

I enjoyed writing this summary and I hope it is helpful to someone searching for information about preparing family history. :)

The "Parent Interview" Project

For a project last semester, I interviewed some friends about their families and parenting style. I really appreciated their help and boy I learned alot! Here is the project in its entirety. :)

For the Parent Interview Project, I made a few assumptions based on what I thought you (the teacher) wanted and what I thought would help me to learn the most. One assumption that I made was that I should try and find 'different' people to interview- different in gender, backgrounds, life experience, number of kids, religion, and sexuality. Another assumption was that I should really take the time to develop three questions that I was genuinely curious in the answers, thought might be helpful for my situation at home, and would also be interesting for this paper and for reading. I have listed the questions farther down in my paper. The last assumption that I made was that as I chose so many different individuals, I would find that the families would have many differences, but also distinct similarities that could easily be 'teased' into looking at the whole group in a similar manner... that was not the case.

I sent out fourteen letters asking for responses and received five back fully filled in and ready for me to study. Out of the five, four are women and one is male. Three have been through at least one divorce and two are currently married to their first and only husband. All five individuals have children in numbers from one to eight, one adult is homosexual, two of these families have at least one child with a severe disability (autism or bi-polar disorder) and one family has an adult with PTSD. The families also live in different environments as the states that can be included are California, Nevada, Maine and Wisconsin- three families live in a semi-rural area and two live in urban areas. The religions that are involved in some of these families- whether through past involvement or current activity- are United Church of Church, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (Mormon), deeply spiritual, and atheist (one member of this group is currently in college studying seminary and divinity). Also, at least three out of the five individuals appear to have grown up in dysfunctional households (one spent some time growing up in a cult, one with alcoholic parents, abuse, etc...) Lastly, one individual is currently single, three are married and one is living with her partner and her children.

When looking at the definition of family, there were many different responses, but a lot of overlapping when the answers were put side by side and compared. One individual describes their 'family' as a large group of related individuals which included younger brothers and their families, cousins and their families as well as other extended biological family ( one quote from the answer- “Curiously, it does not necessarily include my parents or my older brother.”). Two people spoke about family as a small group of people that love and support each other and has nothing to do with blood relationships or shared parentage. These individuals seemed to have a really open view of family in the sense that family can be flexible and made and broken and reformed – a “family of choice”. The last two adults had a more rigid view of family and for them, a family is a social unit connected by blood or marriage or a family is a unit created solely by God for the rearing of children and families that are bonded through marriage, His Gospel, Commandments, and Love. The last individual described a family as having a male and female at the head of the home with rigid gender roles and family assignments as quoted from the “The Family: A Proclamation to the World” as written and distributed by the Mormon church.

Definitions of effective parents and good parental behavior were described with different words by all five individuals, but when reading the responses I felt that all the answer really said the same thing:

1. “The object of parenting is not to raise a perfectly obedient child but rather a responsible and contributing member of society.” “Teach them to think and empathize and not to blindly model other's behavior.”

2. “A parent's job is to help their children become happy, fully developed people. Teaching children things they need to know and help them become independent and fully functional adults and able to make their own decisions.” Parenting behaviors: Setting limits; teaching; providing guidance; encouraging; seeking to understand the child's point of view; caring deeply; and loving unconditionally.

3. “Someone who is together, follows though on what they say and the rules of the home. Stick to your word and have structure in your home. Show unconditionally love and caring.”

4. “Someone who positively teaches a child how to be a functional member of society”

5. “A person who teaches a child empathy, consideration, caring and how to be a good decision maker- even if you do not like the decisions that they make. You raise them to think of themselves and those around them and how to accomplish their goals and fulfill their needs and love them.”

While there were a few statements edited due to lengths of answers, I kept the scope of the answers which show that with a few differences of ideas, the thoughts are the same: to raise happy, healthy people who think for themselves, have a positive outlook for themselves and others and are willing to help others. In a nutshell- to be productive and happy members of the world around them.

Answers about the necessary skills for communication really seemed to vary a great deal, although I think that the question itself may have been misunderstood or interpreted differently due to perception... and I must say that I love the idea of a communication answer being misunderstood! The irony is fairly laughable. One individual suggested an answer in a way that suggested to me that the question was interpreted the same way that I had interpreted it. They felt that openness and honesty were absolutely essential communication skills. Listening well and taking the time to make sure that you truly understood the other person's point of view and perspective -even if you didn't agree with it- is an essential skill for living in and around other people. Two people said that 'Honesty and love are key needs so that children feels secure and can rely and trust others'. Another focuses very 'literally' on the question - “Verbal and physical communication are absolutely essential- technology is not essential even if we and the media think that it is.”. And the last person talked about important times for family communication: 'Dinner is an important time to get together and talk as a family. You should also have one on one interviews with your children and they should learn manners and respecting others'.

The question about whether we are living in turbulent times was pretty illuminating to me and I think on of the most important questions asked. How 'turbulent times' was so defined by the individual sharing with me their thoughts expressed what those words meant to them personally. Some saw them through the lens of religion while another saw it through their lens of current political and economic hardship.

1. “I think a certain segment of every generation is prone to declaring themselves as living in turbulent times. My goal has always been to create a place of dependability and relative calm for my kids within the private functions of our family.”

2. “Yes. The protracted war and the economy have made this a very unsettled time. In a way, it may have brought families more together as they try and cope and support one another.”

3. “Yes. When family values are undermined by social acceptance of divorce, infidelity, violence, abuse, and other negative actions / emotions. These actions tear the underpinnings of the social unit and do not promote healthy conflict resolution and respect toward others. As a consequence the family unit is no longer stable.”

4. “Yes I do. Right now I think kids have it very hard. There are teens out there killing themselves because of being bullied. Kids are starting to have sex in middle school and that never happened when I went to school. The world is a lot different now and we need to raise our kids to be strong in the world because it is not easy.”

5. “Oh, yes. I think that all times have their 'turbulence' in them, but as a society we are angry, hateful, and fearful of all who are different. Since we all have differences, we are feeding off of each other and killing each other- or bullying and killing ourselves. I try to keep as much of it out of my home as I am able.”

It appears that a few interviewees stressed that keeping the 'turbulence' our of their homes was important as well as the idea that this particular 'time' may be turbulent... but other times were as well. One person saw the turbulence as an unwanted consequence towards harming families, while another thought that teaching the children to be strong would help them to deal with the turbulence (expressing the thought that this person does not believe the turbulence will not be going away soon.). And one person talked about how the turbulence could be used to strengthen families as they try and support each other through the 'storm'- really a great way to look at it I thought.

Everyone universally agreed that there were no “good ol' days” - one individual went so far as to say: “ The "good old days" are a fiction. In the past, there was incest, abuse, and child labor, etc... Women were controlled as objects and had few rights. The good old days never existed except in fictionalized memories”. If 'changes' were mentioned, they were mentioned as positives: women have more rights, no such thing as a woman's job or a man's job, women were controlled as objects- no more, and more along those lines. It was also almost universally agreed upon that families have always been complicated and have never been simple or truly “traditional”- families have always been complex depending on the society, that the size and shape of the family doesn't have anything to do with whether they are fully functional and healthy or dysfunctional, and good families are created and do not depend on gender or sexuality. One person thought about families and parents: “Are they making decisions that are in the best interests of the child/family or not? That is the only way to judge.” I think I agree with that statement.

The types or discussions that are held in the home/family varied in minutia- while the individual topics could vary and cover a wide swath (soccer, running, home renovation, animal husbandry, etc), the conversations themselves tend to focus on:

1. “But we talk about what might be going on at school or work, our plans for the future, and otherwise share interests in each others’ lives.”

2. “Activities we can do as a family.”

3. “Often we talk about my son's school and his future. As my son has matured, our discussions have become more wide ranging and adult-like in content.”

4. “We talk about everything and anything. We are a very open family. My kids are very young so things my husband and I don't talk about in front of the kids would be problems with other people but other than that just about everything.”

5. “Things we have in common, want to share, and what is happening in our lives, feelings, thoughts.”

While these answers are all different, they all have the theme of being together, loving each other and understanding and sharing with each other... which I think is a common theme for all humans in groups. We all need to feel like we belong and are appreciated and listened to.

When discussing the stresses involves in parenting and being a parent, I was a little surprised that while these individuals discussed different 'stressors', all the stressors ended up dividing neatly between emotional and physical stresses. However, even the physical stressors became emotional stressors if discussed long enough. Physical stressors discussed were the need to balance everything, to 'do everything', lack of sleep, and 'physically run down by the work involved'. Emotional stressors mentioned were the stress of watching a child struggle or have difficulties, trying to balance the needs of the children and the parent, the stress of watching children fight for their health when they are sick, and the difficulties of watching your children as they try and fail and not stepping in unless truly needed.

Family comparisons was funny... and very enlightening. I did feel like I learned a bit that was new about each person and family that I interviewed based on their responses to this question.

1. "I suppose one of those families of acrobats, where everyone is holding on to each other and balancing on each other and leaning out in different directions. There is a natural give and take, where we try to counter-balance each other and be each other’s safety net."

2. "In my home we are all experimental chefs: We work together and separately and come together often to see what we have created. Sometimes we are very congratulatory, sometimes we are mean and laugh too much, and sometimes we come together to commiserate over culinary experimental disaster. But we will continue to cook together, experiment together and help a cook who is tired of cooking."

3. "My family is like a small pack of wolves. We are independent and solitary, but we understand each other and come together when needed."

4. We don't compare ourselves. "We are a happy family."

5. "I don't really know. We have never compared our family to something. Maybe just a regular American family. We have our ups and downs but in the end we make it. "
There were some very pretty metaphors in there. I really liked the chef comparision- maybe because I love food, I am not the best cook, but I keep trying and sometimes I make something fabulous! (And sometimes....yuck!)

The last three questions are the ones that I needed to make up and ask. The questions that I devised are:

1. If you were able to change just two things about how your family works, what would they be? What would you prefer?

2. If you have been divorced before or are currently in a non traditional family, how has it changed your perspective of family? What changes do you see in how you view family from your childhood to now? Do you feel that your boundaries of what constitutes 'family' have changed over the years?

3. In what ways has your parenting style changed between your first child and your last? Between the 'newness' of first time parenting and now? Between family changes (death, divorce, etc)?

I chose these ideas from my heart and questions that I have been bouncing around in my head for a little bit now. So here are my responses.

The idea of changing something in your family was a pretty neat question. I realized as I interviewee people that this question could really help them to pinpoint something they wanted to change and work on it. If you never ask the question, it is very easy for someone to never try and make a change... because it never becomes very obvious that not only is change needed, but you can make it into smaller steps to work on and doesn't seem so challenging. Two quotes were really poignant to my mind.

1. “I wish there was less nagging involved in getting family members to take their turn at chores, and perhaps a little less questioning of decisions made by others. If I had to pick just one of these, it would be the first – I appreciate the intellectual skills of my family members, but sometimes I would love to skip a debate!”

2. “I would like my sons to really listen more and understand that if they listen to my guidance as their father they will do better in life and have less struggles. I would like to listen more deeply as a parent; to really seek to understand what my children are saying to me and why they think and feel the way they do about things.”

What I really liked about these quotes was that both of them were about communication. Both of these individuals are looking for better communication in their families and they recognize that there is a communication issue. Once it is recognized as a concern, making a plan to try and change it will be much easy. The last quote I am adding was a little sad for me to read.

1. I wish my husband didn't work as much. He works 60+ hours a week and so we don't see him as much as I hope. He will get home, eat dinner with us and we have 1-2 hour to spend time together before we put the boys down for bed. I wish my husband and I could have more time to go out together. We have date night once a week but it is usually at home doing something fun together like renting a movie, playing a game, making smoothies, ect. We can't afford to pay someone to watch our kids so we can go out and we wish we could.

This individual really seems to enjoy her family and wishes that she could have more time with her husband. More time and not less time. I can feel the caring and the wish for more of a physical presence in her home for her husband. I do hope that they will have it sometime!

For the question on divorce and changes in perspectives on family, I got some pretty amazing answers.

1. “I am a child of divorce who has been married for almost 23 years to my first (and last) husband. I feel very blessed and lucky to say that; each of my siblings has experienced at least one divorce, and I have seen the emotional toll taken. The most concerning part of fractured families is the lack of mutual respect often modeled by the parents (and clearly absorbed by the children). While my concept of family has enlarged over the years beyond the “one man, one woman, one marriage” nuclear family of the 60’s, I believe that the most important aspect of family is not gender or birth status but love.”

2. “I was from a broken home and grew up without a father and with an absentee mother, and was raised primarily by my grandmother. I have been divorced. I think that I have always viewed families more by the content of their actions than in a "traditional" way, and I think that this view has been strengthened over time.

3. “Divorce did not change my perspective of family, it reinforced what a functional family is. I.e. the divorce occurred because of dysfunctionality. As to the rest, I will say that I lived in a dysfunctional family growing up and knew that I wanted to create a healthy family. I have done this."

4. “I haven't been in that situation but my grandparents have. What i have observed from that is nothing i would ever want to experience. They have each been married 6-7 times and are in their late 50's. I see how it has effected my mom and wouldn't never like to be in that place. Her mom made her write nasty letters to her dad after the divorce and her and her dad still to this day don't talk. She has step sisters that don't like her. She feels like the outcast.” (sic)

5. Been there, done that...don't think it has changed my perspective except for cynicism. I am more careful now. (sic)

I am not sure that most of these answers actually answered my question, but I thought they were intriguing nonetheless.

The last question as changes in parenting style- I think the weakest question that I developed. However, one person's statement really stayed focus in my mind and is the one statement made throughout these interviews that I have found myself reflecting on quite a bit. It is :

1. “I now am more realistic about my children's potential, and my goals are to raise happy children that are self-sufficient and are the best people they can be. I want them to do whatever they want in life and am more accepting that their way is not my way. I think as you parent your second child, you become less stuck in what you want, and more open to what the child's unique personality and desires might be. Part of this may come from having experience with the first child, but part is from aging yourself. I know that I look at the world very differently at 49 than I did at 29. In a way, I think that I am more realistic, possibly more cynical, and that my expectations for my child, and also myself, have become grounded in reality more. Is that bad? Perhaps, but it is also comforting.”

Two individuals stated that their children came too close together to really be able to see a change in parenting style- one says that she has noticed that she is a lot more relaxed around other people's kids and helping now. One pointed out some physical changes like with her first she would carefully clean and sterilize binkies that fell on the floor- now she wipes them on her pants and pops them right back in! (I thought that was great and I laughed.)

So through this exercise, I think I have discovered quite a few things. While I already knew that people think differently from one another due to experience, etc... I have never taken an opportunity to really learn about these differences. I feel like I know so much about more not only about these individuals and their families, but how they think and view the world. I also found that I learned a little bit more about how I viewed families and the world around me as well. And I was able to open a door to a family member that I had been unsure how to approach due to family trauma and so I think that this assignment helped me to even increase my family a little bit. Thank you.

How do you know that you are ready for marriage?

A few weeks ago my teacher asked this question:

"How do you know if you are ready for marriage? Discuss this issue, and formulate some guidelines to help people decide whether they are ready to marry. How do  "The roles of forgiveness and sacrifice play in the readiness for marriage"? Please include some of the material from Olson in your answer."

This question really made me think. The next four paragraphs are my crafted response:

I guess my first thoughts to this question is does anyone ever really know if they are ready for marriage? At least in my case, you can do everything you think you need to to be ready for marriage and then realize after-wards.... that you were totally not ready. It seems a lot easier to see things and problems in other people than in yourself and so deciding if you are mature enough for marriage is really easy for someone who is immature and doesn't really know that they are immature. To know whether you are ready or not, you first need to know what you need to be ready... which requires that you actually know what you need to know. I think that can be a hard topic. I did put the question out to a few friends and one friend had an awesome answer that I will post here:

"Egad. My first line of thoughts was about choosing a suitable partner, but that isn't what you're asking.  The first time I married, I was crazy in love.  I don't recall giving much thought to long-term ramifications, but I was a lot younger then, too.  We'd been living together for two years already, so the day-to-day stuff had already been resolved. We were married three weeks after he proposed.

When I agreed to marry my current cohabitation partner, I thought it over a lot more.  In fact, he had to wait almost two years from when he first broached the subject to when I agreed.  This time, I gave a lot of thought to what partnership with him would be like, and what I would need to compromise, and whether I was capable of those compromises.  I think I'm a lot more realistic this time around.  I also go into it knowing that, if the marriage fails, I'll be able to take care of myself emotionally.  I think it's important to not get married because you want somebody to take care of you for the rest of your life, in any aspect.  It's nice if they do, but if that's why you're getting married, you're setting yourself up for disappointment.  Nobody is responsible for me but me.  So I guess I feel more ready this time, if also more cynical."

I think that forgiveness is such an important thing to do and be able to do. If you hold a 'tally' of the person's wrongs up all the time (even if it is only in your own mind), it will eventually overload your marriage- my thoughts here. It's hard to stay in love with someone if you are always focused on the negative aspects of your partner and his/her potential 'mistakes' and 'mistreatment'. Grudges also harm you internally- how can you love others if you have anger in your 'self' and how can you love yourself if you are crowding out that love with anger and frustration and even hatred. Also sacrifice is important because each of us will want others to sometimes let us have what we need. Sometimes to give us what we need, we are asking others to give up wants or even put off their own needs because we feel 'ours' need to take precedence. That can be walking a fine line... but sacrifice can help a couple to stay sturdy and show support for each other and their needs so that both individuals feel truly cared for and supported... not walked on.

After a few weeks, I still feel fairly strongly about my response. What has your experience been? If you had been asked the original question that I entered above, how would you answer it? Please share! :)

A Boost!

I got a heck of a compliment today from a college professor- she was already my very favorite, but this really, really made my day! So I thought I would share. Some parts of my life are having some serious challenges, but I am doing OK at school. :)

December 9, 2010
To Whom It May Concern:
I am writing on behalf of Badgerdown who has been a student in my 400 level online Discovering and Interpreting Local History course this fall. Badgerdown is an excellent student. Her work is always of the highest quality and she contributes greatly to class discussion. Many times, she has started the discussion on the discussion board and her classmates respond very well to her comments. She is also very helpful and supportive of her classmates in adding her own insights to what they have said. She responded to her classmate’s posts immediately with student introductions which helped me to create a virtual classroom experience. I think that Badgerdown and her classmates have become well acquainted with one another even though they have never met one another. Badgerdown’s work ethic, attitude and passion for history helped to make this happen.

Badgerdown’s work has been thoughtful, analytical and well written. She is a motivated student who completes her work and is willing to interact with the professor on a regular basis. Even though Badgerdown and I have never met, we correspond several times a week. I believe that Badgerdown has added so much to this class based on her own family history research experience and I believe that she has taught me as much as I have taught her. When I ask her a question or a classmate asks her a question about her experiences, she is very willing to answer the question and there have been times when she has gone online and found information that she has then shared with the class; this was never a requirement of the class, but I appreciated her wanting to help and to answer questions.
I consider Badgerdown to be an excellent candidate for your honors program. If she were an UMPI student, I would encourage her to be in the UMPI honors program and I would encourage her to become a history major so that I could have her as a student in more of my classes. When my colleagues ask me if I miss classroom interaction by teaching online, I tell them no and I then give Sonia as an example of the caliber of student I have found through my online courses. I look forward to reading Badgerdown’s comments on discussion board and her papers because she is such a good student and she contributes so much to both her classmates and to me. I highly recommend Badgerdown to your program.
Sincerely,

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
University of Maine at Presque Isle

This is one of the most positive letters I have ever received in the sense that I am painted in such a good light. That isn't something I have grown used to... but I think I would like to hear good thoughts like this more often. I am going to celebrate with a sushi dinner tonight and enjoy the confidence and sense of worth that I have built up this semester. :)

Introspection and Sexual Activities.....

This was a question that was recently asked in one of my classes and something that hasn't really come up in my life. I thought it was an interesting question because my answer when I was first married would actually be different than they way I answer this question now. So I have added the question and my response in the idea of opening up the question for others to think about. The question is in bold and my answer is underneath. :)

Imagine for a moment you are in a sexually active relationship with someone you love deeply and with whom you are hoping to spend the rest of your life. One evening, your partner expresses a desire to engage in a sexual activity that you are not interested in and that you find somewhat offensive (you pick the activity- you do not have to share this activity with the class). How would you react? Explain what you think would be the best way to handle this situation in your relationship.

Well, I think there are two things that need to be thought about. The first is me- why am I not interested in it? Am I not interested because I think it is painful... bad... ridiculous, etc? Would I feel differently if I had some more information about the activity... maybe if I could talk about my concerns and know that they would be addressed. Maybe we could give it a try understanding that I had the power to say stop? I think that is the most important question to ask first.

The next question is whether I felt I could discuss all this with my partner. Obviously if I didn't think I could express my feelings in this regard, that could be a problem... or at least shows a potential problem in the relationship. And if I can not ask.. why not? That is... what do I fear will happen? If I just fear being laughed at and maybe looking silly, that seems like a reasonable risk to take. If I fear the loss of the relationship... well, how sturdy is this relationship if one item (even a biggie like this) can totally derail it? If I fear worse such as violence, than maybe I need to speak to a counselor and no matter how much I adore the gentlemen, it might be time to leave. If I did feel like I could discuss this with my partner, then am I willing to talk about the 'above' and see if it is possible and if trying might be a good idea. When talking it out, both partners might decide that the possible pleasure may not outweigh the possible risks, confusion, etc...

If I think about and I just can't bring myself to even think about it, I think that I would have to let my partner know. And I couldn't just say 'I don't want to do that'. I would need to explain my reasoning in a calm and rational way (again, why I had to ask the first question of why I wasn't interested). I think that most individuals might be disappointed, but would also be understanding and accepting if they loved their partner and could see their concerns – maybe not agree with them but could understand their partners perspective on the activity. Some might not and it might require some compromise. For instance, would I be willing if I am adamant to not do the activity... would I be willing to look at information, etc... about the activity with my partner to see if we both might feel a little differently. Am I willing to experiment with something else that might be 'fun' and might be a reasonable compromise so my partner gets something 'new' and I get something 'comfortable'. If we are both adamant about the issue, we may both need to back off and think about it and if we are just unable to compromise on it, maybe go to a counselor so we can have a third party to help us compromise. Otherwise, I think the potential for resentment and anger is high... and at the upper scale I think abuse or dominance could happen.

What do you think? How would you handle this situation if this was something you had to deal with?

Just my thoughts...