Sabbath Musings...

Yesterday was the Sabbath and I found myself once again thinking about the different ways that I worship on the Sabbath in comparison to how so many of my spiritual friends do. I found myself thinking about why I have chosen to worship and study this in this manner and found myself wondering how the different choices and things that have happened to come about in my life have caused this breach... so that I have a very different environment but emotionally similar experience to those who formally attend I have come to recognize the stereotypes by which I am judged by my spiritual family- I can recognize and even acknowledge that some of the stereotypes are potentially true if looked at through a very rigid black and white lens. For other stereotypes, I cannot recognize how they fit in my life or experience and so I find myself forced to either ignore or combat them in conversation and every day life. In the way they frame myself my house so recognizes stereotypes it or not true and yet I'm must live them because I am judged by them whether they are true or not. For in the end, I will not stereotype myself but it is beyond my control how people form opinions. So I find myself rethinking and reliving and re-analyzing conversations over the last few years... conversations online or by phone in which I have used the words that sometimes "church is unsafe" and I am immediately and simply told that 'you are offended' and I should chose not to be... How can anyone adequately respond to this accusation to anyone who can confuse the ideas of safety and offense to be one and the same? If you haven't even explained what made the area unsafe to you, what can you say at that point... for the die is cast and the judgment is there and nothing you can say will change the mind of the other. It will simply become more evidence for the case of offense. In essence, the conversation is over with both sides feeling unheard and for the 'offended', the trust to try and engage in the conversation again with anyone may be gone as well.

For many of us, the definition of safety is clear. If you are in an unsafe place, you must leave. If you find yourself standing in the middle of a busy highway, you shouldn't stay. If you are in a place where you are being hit or knocked down, emotionally abused or neglected... well, this is unacceptable. You must leave, you must try to find a way to leave if it is possible. And if it is possible you must 'MUST' try to take others with you if the situation is unsafe for them. You having a moral imperative... you owe your Heavenly parents and your spiritual siblings that much... to try not to leave them in the same situation. How many mothers who are experiencing partner abuse and then find a way to leave do not take their children with them (very few). And in the legal sense, taking their children with them when they run can cause courts to give custody over to the abusive parent (even with clear evidence that the parent is abusive) under the excuse of 'parental alienation'... the word alienation seems appropos to this conversation as well.

As I lay awake this morning, I found myself thinking about a discussion I had almost a year ago about safety and offense. The conversation was initiated by me and was clearly focused on safety... that I didn't necessarily feel safe at church. Within seconds, I noticed that, instead of trying to find out why I felt that way, the conversations very quickly boiled down the idea that I was offended. Only when I suggested that it was 'interesting' that safety and offense were being confused as having the same meanings did the individual step back and then ask the important question- "What is happening, going on that makes you feel unsafe?" By time the conversation moved to that point and due to the forum it was in I didn't answer that question even though the answer sat on the tip of my tongue begging to be spilled out and hopeful of being comforted and even having the situation changed. Over the last year, I have listened to many others talk about the same situations in their lives and watched how only in safe areas they are able to talk and feel comfort, to get suggestions on change and to feel validated and recognized as a person of value. Outside of these safe places, I have rarely seen that- not in my life or in the lives of others that I can participate in. Safety is immediately equated with offense and the cycle of pain continues. I have even seen family members encourage other family members to stay in abusive situations because of this exact problem and only the release of fairly damning and devastating pictures of the physical abuse has been able to change their minds. If you are unable or unwilling to 'blast' these pictures into the world, you are stuck in this impasse in which so many forms of abuse can still continue unchecked. Over the last year, only one thing has become more focuses and clear- that the general unreligious population that surrounds me as well as some other religious populations do not immediately equate safety and offense. What I have seen is that only Mormons and evangelicals too. It goes without saying that this is not a formal study- simply an observation... but it has made me curious. Like a child with a scab half removed, I find myself aching to rip it off and discover why this is so... what is happening under the rough surface and why. I wish I had a quick answer but I am still chewing on this thought and would love more imput on it. What I did discover as I thought of this is that there is some initial evidence that LDS leaders can confuse the two terms as well... or at least use them in the same conversation which can confuse the issue. A three minute search turned up these quotes:

Elder Bednar - "When we believe or say we have been offended, we usually mean we feel insulted, mistreated, snubbed, or disrespected. And certainly clumsy, embarrassing, unprincipled, and mean-spirited things do occur in our interactions with other people that would allow us to take offense. However, it ultimately is impossible for another person to offend you or to offend me. Indeed, believing that another person offended us is fundamentally false. To be offended is a choice we make; it is not a condition inflicted or imposed upon us by someone or something else."

Elder Morrison - "Unfortunately, racism—the abhorrent and morally destructive theory that claims superiority of one person over another by reason of race, color, ethnicity, or cultural background—remains one of the abiding sins of societies the world over. The cause of much of the strife and conflict in the world, racism is an offense against God and a tool in the devil’s hands. In common with other Christians, members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints regret the actions and statements of individuals who have been insensitive to the pain suffered by the victims of racism and ask God’s forgiveness for those guilty of this grievous sin. The sin of racism will be eliminated only when every human being treats all others with the dignity and respect each deserves as a beloved child of our Heavenly Father."

LDS.org - "Abuse is the treatment of others or self in a way that causes injury or offense. It harms the mind and the spirit and often injures the body as well. It can cause confusion, doubt, mistrust, and fear. It is a violation of the laws of society and is in total opposition to the teachings of the Savior. The Lord condemns abusive behavior in any form—physical, sexual, verbal, or emotional. Abusive behavior may lead to Church discipline."

Matthew 18:6 - "But whoever shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea."

President Joseph F. Smith - "We hold that sexual sin is second only to the shedding of innocent blood in the category of personal crimes. … We proclaim as the word of the Lord: “Thou shalt not commit adultery."....It is a deplorable fact that society persists in holding women to stricter account than men in the matter of sexual offense. What shadow of excuse, not to speak of justification, can be found for this outrageous and cowardly discrimination?"

Elder Packer - "But sometimes you cannot give back what you have taken because you don’t have it to give. If you have caused others to suffer unbearably—defiled someone’s virtue, for example—it is not within your power to give it back. There are times you cannot mend that which you have broken. Perhaps the offense was long ago, or the injured refused your penance. Perhaps the damage was so severe that you cannot fix it no matter how desperately you want to."

D&C 54:5 - "And woe to him by whom this offense cometh, for it had been better for him that he had been drowned in the depth of the sea."

Vaughn Featherstone - "The teacher or leader must not only be first in knowledge, in prophecy, and in understanding the mysteries, but he must also be first in performance. I believe that it is not only an offense to the people but also an offense to God when priesthood leaders, teachers, and members of the Church never really get down and serve the people, do not do their duty, do not magnify their callings, and do not fill their stewardships. We ought to bend our backs in our callings in such a way that our words and teachings are always racing to keep up with our acts. In this way we will never become what the Savior referred to as “whited sepulchers”."

President Heber J. Grant - “We believe that the commission of crime should be punished according to the nature of the offense; that murder, treason, robbery, theft, and the breach of the general peace, in all respects, should be punished according to their criminality and their tendency to evil among men, by the laws of that government in which the offense is committed; and for the public peace and tranquility, all men should step forward and use their ability in bringing offenders against good laws to punishment."

Sarah Miller - "Forgiveness is often difficult because offenders may deny their behavior or avoid acknowledging it. Regardless of how the offender responds—even if the perpetrator does not admit responsibility—the person who has been abused can choose to forgive. It is important to note that forgiveness does not necessarily mean forgetting the offense, trusting the offender, or even associating with him or her. However, it does mean letting go of self-destructive anger."

LDS.org - “No man who abuses his wife or children is worthy to hold the priesthood of God. No man who abuses his wife or children is worthy to be a member in good standing in this Church. The abuse of one’s spouse and children is a most serious offense before God, and any who indulge in it may expect to be disciplined by the Church”

I intentionally did not pick and choose- rather, I choose these quotes as they cropped up. Some suggest a definition of the word offense which feels more typical, while others do use the word in to describe behavior in situations that are clearly unsafe. In my mind, racism in many forms makes a congregation unsafe for people of color... and homophobic language and behavior can cause our congregations to be unsafe for it's LGBTQI members. Abuse is a safety issue to me... anything that causes real injury is a safety issue and if we admit that behavior has happened in which we 'cannot mend what has been broken', I think it is safe to say that isn't general offense in any use of the word. So, maybe I am splitting hairs or being too particular about how I think about these things, but this is how I think about things. I found out a while ago about a ward that had a convicted pedophile attending and it was decided to not tell anyone outside of a few people in the ward so that he wouldn't be 'judged'... but these same men who kept it quiet allowed other people to let this man spend time alone with their children... yet quickly removed their children from these situations. IS this a safety issue... Well, if you feel the need to remove your own children, but ignore the potential for other children... then yes it is a safety issue and you as the authority holder are complicit in any harm caused.

If you get physical sick going into a building almost every time, it is a safety issue and not offense.

If you are targeted by a member of the church who intentionally over a significant period of time does thinks to cause physical harm to you and your family, who will not quit when confronted and you are then told you need to forgive... while the same bullying behavior is being repeated and condoned... that is a safety issue- period.

If you have authority and use your authority to harm others even when shown evidence of the harm you are causing, that is a safety issue.

What this exercise has given me is a few thoughts. I am able to recognize that some things I am holding onto are because the 'offense' was pretty painful, but not necessarily a safety issue... in that sense, I will admit to being offended. However, in the end, safety is a priority and there is simply too much at risk for me at this point. I may be seen as offended... so I guess I will accept that. I will admit that this new realization brings no joy with it. More thought and prayer will be added to the equation, but I see no change ahead. Maybe that is a good thing as people who say they are friends also judge and disappear. The people who have been the most loyal to me in this life have rarely been found in spiritual communities, but have been found in the living of my daily life... through a stopped car on the road, a co-worker who is friendly, a letter from a distance challenged friend speaking of love and encouragement.... these are the friends and community best nurtured and kept close. Maybe spiritually is best kept between you and the Lord, with study and prayer and revelation... where safety is easily found and offense can be more appropriately wrestled with as a key to understanding yourself and not a judgement made in dismissal. Maybe...

A Short Film Review: Jean-Michel Basquiat "The Radiant Child"

Sometimes a title says more about a film after it is experienced than it expressed before you opened yourself to the knowledge within. Jean-Michel Basquiat was an artist of pure brilliance who not only instinctively seemed to recognize ‘art’ in the differing facets of the world around him, but also understood so much of the human and art history that came before him and allowed that “history (to) walk with me too.” He used many ‘styles’ in his artwork between drawing and painting, graffiti and collage technique, obscured language, and references to other artists in other fields, including biology, archeology, music, etc…

This artist also reminds me of the fact that how we describe people and their work really matters. Think of the images that you conjure in your mind from these descriptive words:

“…terribly young, very ambitious”
“difficult artist”
“sad but so sweet”
“…wild boy”
“Black Picasso”
“…primal expressionism”
“(Were they) in front of new stars… or about to get robbed?”

I find myself quite torn by these phrases for these sentences describe the man I watched painting, smiling… with heightened focus and an independence and creativity of thought that is remarkable. I find myself thinking of the energy and the expressionism of the man… yet these phrases are not commonly used to describe most adults. As the title symbolizes, each of us- his friends, critics and culture describe this vibrant man as a boy…”so sweet, difficult, wild…” These words jar against my ear and my soul and I find myself recognizing the barely veiled racism that Jean Michel dealt with in so much of his life… and the racism inherent in me as I struggle to find the words to describe his work and find my words focus more on the artist and my impressions of him rather than his work itself. Twenty years, later, our culture and each of us is still trying to understand and recognize the way we divide those around us and infantilize African American individuals and culture. As Basquiat found, he became a symbol or representation to the white culture around him of all Black individuals and culture… a stereotype that is fraught with inaccuracies and biases. He too, also recognized the difficulty of critics to critique his work on its own merits… and not his personality. He recognized that no one, including himself, could separate his skin color from his work and he created over 2000 paintings and drawings that covered a wide range of topics including slavery, Black History and racism, poverty, integration, and social commentary.

I found myself both repelled and attracted to his work and as I watched the videos of him painting I found myself drawn to his hand, watching the image change and come to life in front of my eyes. He was so quick and so focused that I found I rarely really understood the image he wanted to create until the completion of his piece. I found myself questioning my views on art creation – How is art defined in my mind and how much does timing and speed of creation factor into my opinions? Why did I want to dismiss his work in the beginning of the biography because it looked like ‘just graffiti’ to me? How did his understanding of history pull me more into his work and create the new admirer I have become? I found I finished this film with a very different image of the artist and his work than I started with only an hour or so previously.

Learning about his life reminded me of a character in Greek mythology named Icarus who also was ambitious, motivated and desired to get the ‘respect he felt he deserved.’ He was always reaching to achieve more and as he reached the heights of youth, fame, and wealth too quickly, his mental wings began to fall apart and the earth lost an amazing thinker and creator too soon at 27 years old. His story is one that I am used to reading in musician or thespian circles (Kurt Cobain, Amy Winehouse, and Heath Ledger come to mind), but not in the clean world I envision art culture to be. His world was uncomfortable so it also didn’t fit into the culture it asked us to look at and think about. I also relate to looking back and feeling embarrassed about my past- thinking about what I should have done differently, etc… In the end his life was so radiant that it encompassed even himself and we can now only look at and try to understand his work and how it speaks to the society around us.

These last two pictures I saw at the Tacoma Art museum recently: "Bird On Money" and "One Million Yen"

pictures from: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jean-Michel_Basquiat, http://www.sankofasofa.com/content/art-and-culture-weapon-jean-michel-basquiat,

“Out of My Comfort Zone”: Understanding the Impact of a Service-Learning Experience in Rural El Salvador: An Analysis

While the school age population has been becoming more diverse over time as minority students increase in numbers, the average teacher in the United States continues to be white, middle class and female. This disparity between the lives, cultures, experiences and even financial security of over 30% of the student population and their educators suggests a potentially deep divide between the two groups that can be very hard to recognize, understand and then overcome. There are many ideas about how to bridge this gap, to help create empathy and more understanding between educators and their students and to educate the educators themselves more fully in the areas of diversity. One way that has been attempted to achieve this ideal are short service-learning experiences in areas of direct need that cover many of the cultural, financial and challenging experiences of some of the students who are moving to America and entering our school systems. This paper describes a qualitative case study of a two week service immersion in a rural mountain village in El Salvador called La Secoya. This short term study was produced by Paula J. Beckman and Lea Ann Christenson and was populated with fifteen female students who were all in either pre-education or pre-med degree programs.

Funnily enough, as these two authors work to find ways to bring down barriers, they find themselves in the majority of educators as middle-class or higher white females. Paula J. Beckman is a Professor of Early Childhood: Special Education Program Counseling and counts among her research interests early support for Latino families, community development, the impact of poverty on development, and inclusion for exceptional children. She earned her Ph.D. in Special Education and has written over eighty articles, edited two books and been involved in international research and training projects both in Europe and Central America. Lee Ann Christenson is an Assistant Professor at Towson University with a Ph.D. in Curriculum and Instruction and focuses on early literary acquisition, ‘Study Abroad’ and English as a Second Language instruction. She also has several publications and presentations on these subjects under her belt. There present paper is intended to help express possible mental and behavioral changes that can happen when people are immersed in a culture for even short periods of time. Both authors fully admit that due to their small sample size and lack of other studies, this study is a suggestion and shows short term change pretty clearly in the participants.

This article covered its primary objectives very well. It covered how the two week immersion changed the perspective of the participants from their point of view, using quotes when necessary to help back up the premise that all student participants felt that the experience overall was a positive one for them and their perceptions of people they did not know even though in the case of half of the students, they didn’t understand the actual language being spoken by the villagers. How this experience affected them personally as well as their professional choices was also addressed, asking the students how they had changed or what decisions they were going to change or had changed after the event based on their experiences in El Salvador. Lastly, the authors tried to address how each student’s perspectives on global awareness, immigration, war and privilege were impacted or changed based on this single experience. My major disappointment was that the sample size was so small (and gendered as well) so that, while this was a fascinating article and I am very excited by its conclusions, my excitement is tempered knowing that there isn’t enough evidence to conclude that all student populations would have the same understanding or empathy after the study was complete. I would love for more research to be completed on this topic.

I think this information might be very valuable to a general education teacher. It is important for each of us to recognize and understand what we don’t have experience in. Being able to recognize that a child fluent in Spanish but not English should not be listed as nonverbal, to recognize and truly attempt to understand the varied experiences of those from other cultures or immigrants, to focus on what is needed for the child by understanding his full experience and not just using assumptions from your own perspective and stereotypes- what an amazing gift for a teacher! This information could help a general educator use their limited resources wisely and more appropriately to the situation and not to waste time and energy focusing on things that are not needed. This paper suggests that even short periods of time immersing yourself in the culture of your students can make a large difference in the way that an educator sees and potentially responds to some of their most challenged students. I would highly recommend this article to a teacher for that reason alone.

Here is a link to the article: link

Personal Musings on Gender Discrimination and Inequality

In so many ways, this is an amazing time of the year. It feels so peaceful and wonderful to enjoy this time before the struggle to get out in the snow and the piercing cold really settles in and the next few months feel dreary and hunched and dark. So as the semester winds down and we finish up, I find myself reading, contemplating and comparing some of the things learned this semester learned along with my choices, my life and those around me. My thoughts have drifted back to focus more on gender discrimination, harassment, the wape gap and gender inequality at work.

Gender discrimination at work is a challenging topic and how gender affects the work place and work flow is something that I am still not sure I understand even after the readings. The one thing I feel pretty sure of is that I think most of us do not really understand how gender affects them in the work place and how to change it. I have worked for a few different places and have lived in a few different states and even though I have been working for over two decades, I do not really understand entirely how my gender as a woman has affected me in the work force. I can only be pretty sure in a few ways of direct consequences and the readings suggested a few more for my contemplating.

One of the statistics mentioned this semester was that 88.50% of women believe that they have faced harassment and discrimination in the work place. I have dealt with some harassment myself and was fired when I was 23 years old and complained to a supervisor about a co-worker. One month later I was denied unemployment payments even though I had excellent performance reviews for the three years before. I took that experience very personally and only the readings that suggested that some others have been denied benefits for the same reasons suggested to me that the experience might have been more about my gender than me personally. I have managed to work pretty hard to keep to myself and to try and keep myself separate at work because I haven’t wanted trouble for myself and the only female supervisor I have ever had wasn’t a very satisfactory experience for me. I feel like my idiosyncrasies are more accepted by males and so I find that I feel more comfortable in female sparse environments. When I think back, I find that most of the harassment I have received has been from women unless it was overtly sexual… then I tend to have troubles with men. I seem to be doing very well at my current job and I work almost exclusively with men… I wonder how much of my difficulties with women has less to do with my difficulties with communication and more to do with preconceived gender roles by myself and my female coworkers.

I have also found that the gaps in my employment due to family concerns has potentially caused me some significant wage loss… although I do wonder how much of that can also be placed on my lack of easily definable job skills. I do not have a degree and have been trained by on the job or by personal study for many of my jobs. I am definitely a women working in a blue collar job- I am told I am a professional, but my work is fairly physically demanding and I have flexible changing schedules, and even though I am full time, I have very few benefits for it… even my health care comes from the medical marketplace. “Because a blue collar woman learns most of her visible skills on the job rather than in the classroom… she must undergo her training in an extremely vulnerable situation… (as such) there are few visible skills by which the entry level female blue collar worker can be assessed. In situations such as this, where there are few cues available to evaluate ability, evaluators tend to rely more heavily on external characteristics such as gender as a means for judging a worker’s competence.” When I re-read this statement, I thought about how easy it has been for other co-workers to claim my accomplishments for themselves and I can see how my communication challenges combined with that could make me look like an under-desirable employee. I found myself sad but also a more motivated to work hard to stay in the job I am in. I do not make enough, but I am comfortable and respected and that feels pretty awesome and comfortable. Having the stability and less stress makes the financial trade off worth it for me for now.

I too have thought that prejudice and discrimination against women in the workforce has been steadily decreasing over the years so the studies listed (Cox and Harquail 1991), (Stroh, Brett and Reilly 1991) were a bit of a surprise to me. I find myself wondering again how much of my experiences are very much based in my gender and less my personality, behavior, or job performance. I’d like to take more time over the break and chat with friends about this topic and their experiences and see if maybe I can develop a deeper understanding about how it affects me and the people I interact with – both male and female. That seems like a nice interesting survey to conduct. : )

Reading about occupational stereotypes and gender stereotypes in the work place held very few surprises for me. The major surprise was how much I do seem to buy into and live / make decisions based on my acceptable and assimilation of these stereotypes. I hated being a stay at home mom and felt like what I did was fairly useless and my self-esteem was very beaten during this time. In the back of my mind I do not see myself as worth much unless I do have a job and I do tend to see my wage as what my worth as a person is. I do see many occupations as being more gender specific and I can find myself surprised when I am caught in a stereotype assumption in which I have made an unconscious assumption about who someone is based on their work or title (such as doctor) and then discover the person doesn’t fit into the image I made in my mind. One thing I feel like I have picked up from the reading is that while society suggests that the genders are becoming more equal in the workforce, the confidence that women feel (myself included) in being treated as equal is pretty low and we are far more likely to be convinced that each of us is making informed and objective decisions while the organization is making subjective decisions…. I feel like all of us are making pretty subjective decisions and judgments…. We just do not seem to recognize it all the time in ourselves. I have a lot of changing in my thought processes to accomplish.

what are your thoughts and life experience on gender discrimination or harassment? How has it affected your life?

"Ms. Amerikkka" by Aceyalone : Lyrics and Critique

Today's song is titled “Ms. Amerikkka” and was produced and released by Edwin M Hayes, Jr better known by his stage name Aceyalone. This song is off of his album titled “Love and Hate” and it is extremely hard to find and listen to without purchasing the song or album. Every link to it I can find on the internet with few exceptions has either been removed or banned... censorship much? ; ) The lyrics are challenging as they personify and critique the United States of America... and the critique is devastating. Here is the one link that I could find to share the song and the lyrics are below.



Ms. Amerikkka

all right
yo, this song came about one time when
I- I was- I was on a plane back, going back to Los Angeles
coming from somewhere else
and I sat next to this lady and she was telling me something
I don't remember it verbatim,
but I do remember some of the things she said
it was like this-

Life as we know it is about to change
I smell it within the air
the weather is getting strange
drugged up, sedated and
numb from the pain
the sickness in America has spread to her brain
she is no longer fit to make good decisions
she is completely blind and void of any vision
she parties hard and she keeps her conscious mind imprisoned
therefore she's headed for the ultimate collision
she can no longer hide the scars on her face
the innocence now gone is hard to replace
she has no shame, no remorse or any grace
she embraces the devil and she hates over race
Ms. America, the beautiful the free
fallen within the cracks, I wish that you could see
she buried her misery, within society
it's obvious, you have no regard for me

Chorus:
caught up in the belly of America
lost, in the stomach of America
broken down, in the bowels of America
sinking, in the garbage of America
stuffed, in the brain of America
suffering, in the body of America
lying, in the wicked spirit of America
dying, in the old soul of America

Ms. America, you've been a very bad girl
you nearly disgraced humanity in the eyes of the world
vanity has took you over, you're not deserving
the mirror image of your reflection is quite disturbing
she makes so many promises she couldn't keep
she neglected to mother her young, so they don't sleep
they scream out for justice, and then they weep
when out to blame Ms. America, that's what you reap
the audacity of your inventions to rule us all
the tragedy of your intentions to fool us all
you should have gave into nature and to the law
it's only a matter of time before you fall
the things you should of worked out in your first colony
victim of your own advice and your psychology
you've destroyed all morale and the ecology
I'm sorry, but I don't accept your apology

Chorus

Homeless America, so much attraction
has yet to take ability for her actions
we work around within the system and make adaptations
you can let freedom ring, within your faction
how can people still be hungry, when there's a surplus?
suffering within your home, you've made them worthless
damn near police the state, you make us nervous
even though some conform and join your service
you're presidency's the biggest joke, but we're the laugh
always smell the gun smoke, on your behalf
I think I should send a telegraph to your staff
America you're down and dirty, you need a bath
so tell your secret agents, don't be paranoid
this wasn't taught by Socrates or Sigmund Freud
this is simply gods work, you can't avoid
ever nation ever built has been destroyed

caught up in the belly of America
lost, in the stomach of America
broken down, in the bowels of America
sinking, in the garbage of America
stuffed, in the brain of America
suffering, in the body of America
trying, in the good ol' spirit of America
dying, in the old soul of America


Are you still with me... or did I lose you? I suspect some of my readers will not make it this far. Here are my thoughts on this piece of rap and verbal art.....

One of my first thoughts was shock when I tried to watch the video on Youtube and other sites and got the rejection message "can't be viewed in this county." It is a bit of a strange irony that we (the USA) as a nation chastise and bully other nations into accepting free speech that is critical of the government/ ruling party, but maybe we too as a society (or just the powerful class) also silence are critics when they get too close to the mark.) As I read the lyrics and listened to the words, I could see the images of people in my communities and on television; the lines of families at my local food bank, the homeless shelters filled to capacity, the bitter cold keeping the couches of good friends full as well, the individuals who lack health insurance who struggle on without treatment, those whose mental health is tottering and broken who can not get help until they are incarcerated for long periods of time... and then are forgotten when they are released until they begin to struggle again and are forcibly returned... I saw so much and I felt sadness, hopelessness, exhaustion, and anger.

All of my life I have been told how great this country is. From lessons at church where teachers praise me and others for being the most valiant spirits in our pre-existence to be born at this time and in this country- the country that God the Father fore-ordained to be the place of true Christian gospel restoration. From my parents whose patriotism is strong - sometimes extreme- and would express how lucky I was at every opportunity to be an American. To teachers who taught me how some countries do not let girls go to school and might even be forcibly mutilated or murdered for doing things I took for granted like reading. I grew up believing I lived in the best country in the world and that God willed it to be so; in fact, God actively keeps America the top country in the world. It was only as a young adult that I started to see things and hear things that I struggled to reconcile with these past teachings. Experience has certainly changed and nuanced how I see the United States now - both in a larger sense and in the small communities I try to volunteer in. In these lyrics I heard some of the pain I have felt and witnessed from the humanity around me. The title itself tells two stories to me. It feels a bit arrogant for citizens of the Unites States to be called "Americans" while any other citizen of another country on both American continents are monikered differently. Someone from Canada or Mexico, Chili or Columbia is just as "American" as we are yet each of us if asked what are nationality was would state "American" like each of us is part of the cherry on the top of the sundae. I do it as well, but when I hear myself say it I find I feel a discord in my head and I have wondered if one of the reasons people in other countries stereotype us as arrogant, etc... is our attitude which is reflected in what we call ourselves and how we behave. The second lesson I see is that the title expresses some of the failings of how those in power and how our culture treat minorities. America is not a land for the faint hearted female, the financially poor, nor for individuals of color or disability because, whether by intention or design, society tends to isolate, restrict, stress and even cannibalize them. The title expresses to me the hidden and not so hidden racism in our society and in our hearts and the double edged view of how important women are, but only when they conform to specific gender and cultural roles. After all, the United States is usually portrayed by an old white elderly kind "Uncle Sam"... anyone else can be seen as falling short of this ideal.

The line that really stuck in my head out of the whole song was actually almost the whole third verse because as America is being described as female, she is being lectured on her lack of tradition femininity. For instance, the word disgraced isn't a word usually used for the male gender. She is described as vain, not deserving, a neglecting mother who lets her children cry and scream and weep... and does nothing so her compassion is lacking as well. She is blaming, audacious, and tragic... the destroyer and the victim. I really cannot think of any time I have ever seen or heard "Uncle Sam" described in this way and it feels like this song expresses the true fight of women in this country- our services and talents are accepted and incorporated by the men in our lives yet all failures are prescribed to the females involved while men can whip the flung mud off more quickly and easily. It almost feels like the author of the song who has clearly seen and felt the sting of racism doesn't recognize his own biases and discrimination towards women. I know this sounds a little angry and funnily enough I am not angry as I write this- just a little resigned.

What are your thoughts and feelings on this song?

What in a Team Name? A Lot!

It is almost impossible to not know about the controversies over sports team names that are named after slurs or white shorthand for Native Americans as they are pretty consistently in the news. I haven’t owned a television for over ten years, but the controversies about these names is also in the newspapers, radio, etc… I have felt for many years that these names are wrong and offensive for several reasons. Those reasons can be slightly different depending on the particular ‘name’. Here are some of the names and my thoughts on them.

Redskins - This is a word that was used to describe the skin color of Native Americans and is widely considered to be a racial slur and studies show that to most likely be correct. Why it’s a slur – whether the word means the color of skin, a bloody scalp, or a description of the corpse with the scalp removed – seems clear. In 2014, Amanda Blackhorse, a Navajo activist stated: "The name itself actually dates back [to] the time when the Native American population was being exterminated, and bounty hunters were hired to kill Native American people... So, in order to show that they made their kill, they had to bring back a scalp or their skin." According to the Los Angeles Herald, different parts of the colonial government would pay up to 50 pounds for the scalps of Indian males over the age of twelve, 25 pounds for Indian women over the age of twelve, and twenty pounds for the scalps of children of either gender. The owners of the team named the “Washington Redskins” state that the team name is respectful and has been from its inception, however, it appears that is not necessarily true and is more of a myth that is clung to in the hopes that they will not feel forced to change the team name. In the end, many people see the word 'redskins' to be as rude and bigoted as the word 'nigger'... if we are unable to accept the use of that word because of its connotations, why would we be okay with this one?

Braves- One the face of it, this word seems respectful. It brings to mind an Indian warrior – a tall male, proud, and strong, etc... However, when I really thing about this I realize that I am seeing an image in my head that is part myth, part caricature. I am not seeing what that word really shows because I do not know the culture well enough to understand the full nuances of what the word really symbolizes. So what this term really suggests is what white people think of Indian culture which shows how not only how limited our understanding of their culture is, but how little we actually respect it as well. A whole intricate culture is not made to be simplified into a few actions of a mascot or boiled down to a single stereotype or image. So, in the end, this word really isn't nice or respectful either as many Native Americans have tried to express to us through speech and writings. Currently, the US has a major league baseball team named the Atlanta Braves and a few minor league affiliates with the same name.

There are other team names that are named after specific tribes (such as the Chicago Blackhawks and the Florida State Seminoles), stereotypes (Elora Mohawks) or simply as Indians (such as the Cleveland Indians) and they tend to be seen by native tribes as offensive, racist and derogatory. When I look at the issue in that light, I can't have any opinion but that the names need to be changed. First of all, while it might cost the teams money to change things, it would be a very great gesture which I believe would go a long way into helping to promote healing in the Native American community. I also think that would potentially bring in more revenue as another group of people who currently feel angry and alienated (and maybe even mocked) would potentially become customers when it feels more respectful and fun for them. Sports teams have been complaining over the last several years that they need to attract more customers- this seems like a good potential way to do it. It also seems like changing a name is really a small thing to do to help build bridges and create opportunities for community gathering and understanding. Just my thoughts....


pictures from:
http://www.redskins.com/, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Atlanta_Braves,

The New Friend

It has been approximately two months since I gained a new housemate...namely a new cat! How she joined my quirky entourage is a funny and frankly lucky story, but it feels sufficient for me to say that I came home from church on a blissful and restful Sabbath afternoon and in less than an hour, my day had changed. An impulsive move and a lot of luck... brought a filthy, scrawny ball of energy that was soon hiding under my bed. And like my other three 'strays', she would hiss lightly when I lifted up the end of the futon. It was a funny image to see four cats in a line- three hissing and then Morianna sitting quietly and realizing that at least in this instance, the same mutual concerns of fear and and the unknown were able to allow a new, unknown cat to merge into my small herd with no fuss or territorial squabbling. In fact, you would think they had never known a time without each other. It was pretty amazing to witness and so I could begin to focus on the immediate needs- a bath was really essential as well as potential worming and flea removal and all that sort of thing.

So the next day, I began. After a trip to the pet store after my shift I began the semi arduous and struggling task of corralling the new member and bathing her. I named her Bellatrix – she reminded me of a character in the Harry Potter series, Bellatrix Lestrange, due to the amount of dirt, frizzy hair and the snarl marring her otherwise beautiful face. With a good friend, I managed to clean her without drowning us both and without a large loss of blood on my end. The amount of hair that came tumbling and shedding off into the tub was an amount significantly large enough that when pressed together, it resembled a small guinea pig. However, within a few days, Ms. Bella was eating, purring and quickly became an irreplaceable part of my household. Taking her cue from Morianna, I would find her waiting near the door when I arrived home or running cheerfully towards it to greet me. Treats given from my hand soon encouraged some good closeness and as her weight became more acceptable her fur began to shine and she began to use her new found energy more productively. (She is still too skinny, but she feels more 'solid' now; when I first picked her up she felt like skin wrapped around bird bones... totally light and easily breakable.) A trip to my favorite vet with shots and wormer and she is as good as 'new'... and she has been rechristened Bella as she no longer reminds me of that dark character in the least. Her clear relief at easy food and safety has really come out as she follows me everywhere and guides even my two most stubborn strays to do the same. Her physical beauty and her deep inner joy began to trickle out and now flood into the home environment and I feel her contentment when I come home. It's just a great experience everyday. Today she is at the veterinarian getting spayed and ready to hopefully have a good long life with me. I will truly miss her tonight.

So, I think its official. I am now a 'crazy old cat lady'. The fact that I also own a hamster only puts an even more interesting spin on the funny stereotype, doesn't it? But I feel content and happy. I love coming home to be greeted by two, maybe three friends and I find a little exasperation, but mostly joy in getting covered in cat hair with beautiful, purring sweeties rubbing on my legs and sitting on my lap and bed when I settle. Reading the scriptures next to a purring cat is wonderful for a few reasons. The soft comforting sound helps clear my mind for reading and real study. While doing this I have found that I focus longer as I am pulled in and I find that I don't want to end the moment. That time of peace and comfort has been getting longer as it has become not just something I have been told to do, but something I look forward to throughout my day. When I get home, I see an exciting and happy time about to open... and not the dark lonely nights that I used to feel. (I won't pretend that those nights are all gone, but they feel fewer and far between.) What a beautiful and wonderful gift! I am very grateful. :)

Sometimes I wonder... 1 Nephi chapter 2

I have been thinking a bit about Nephi lately... or I guess a specific chapter actually. I have been stuck on it so much that I am getting behind in my reading for Sunday School. For some reason, 1 Nephi chapter 2 has been something that my brain seems to focus on these days and I find myself being pulled back from the next chapters to stare at pages 4-5. A few verses have really been on my mind and I thought I would share them and my thoughts about them.

1 Nephi 2:11-12

11 Now this he spake because of the stiffneckedness of Laman and Lemuel; for behold they did murmur in many things against their father, because he was a visionary man, and had led them out of the land of Jerusalem, to leave the land of their inheritance, and their gold, and their silver, and their precious things, to perish in the wilderness. And this they said he had done because of the foolish imaginations of his heart.
 12 And thus Laman and Lemuel, being the eldest, did murmur against their father. And they did murmur because they knew not the dealings of that God who had created them.

To me, these verses make quite a few statements that are really worth pondering. I don't know if it has anything to do with my current place in life. But I feel like many people have more of a clue about what is happening in my life than I do. And some of these people are protecting and caring for me... and some of them are not. And I am finding myself falling into murmuring- I do not feel like I am murmuring against my father... rather that I am plagued with self pity, loathing and ingratitude towards my situation. But the verse ends, “because they knew not the dealings of that God who had created them.” I will admit that the more I think about it, I don't know my future and I feel like things would be easier if I knew how they ended. I wonder if I feel sad/angry and I feel like complaining because I 'know not' the dealings of my God. But I also look at this verse and think... “well, why didn't they ask?” And I keep thinking about it... Why didn't they ask? I can't imagine that Heavenly Father wouldn't have answered a sincere prayer. And Lehi and Sarah and even some of their siblings were praying for Laman and Lemuel. It seems clear that something was holding them back. Was it their perceptions of their situation? Was it their lack of trust and conviction in their father? Was it there trust in friends and other people? A biological problem/mental illness that made it more difficult for these two to feel trust and security in their world... many anxiety disorders, narcissism, etc... Where they really closer to the stereotype that we see at church- angry, mean, selfish, and grasping...? A combination of many things? I will never know the answer – I can only answer these questions for myself and my life. Which brings me to this verse...

16 And it came to pass that I, Nephi, being exceedingly young, nevertheless being large in stature, and also having great desires to know of the mysteries of God, wherefore, I did cry unto the Lord; and behold he did visit me, and did soften my heart that I did believe all the words which had been spoken by my father; wherefore, I did not rebel against him like unto my brothers.

This opened a few interesting thoughts to me. One thought is that Nephi originally felt like his brothers- that his father was a little 'strange', etc... so to speak. Another thought is that he did have a sincere desire so he took the time and effort to ask and was given an answer which helped him to understand God better... as well as his earthly father. So I wonder... is Nephi different from Laman and Lemuel only due to his “great desire” for knowledge? Did he ask because he trusted his father in all things and so he felt he needed to ask God to understand a situation that he didn't comprehend? Did he trust God enough that he was willing to ask? I guess I wonder the true circumstances whereas Nephi made a different choice from two of his brothers and why they made the choice that they did. I wonder how many times he had to pray... as I do not always feel like I got an answer I could understand without lots of pondering and a few prayers. Enos certainly had a great desire and his prayer was long and pleading and sincere- longer than I imagine most prayers ever are. The verse suggests that Nephi got his answer, but doesn't tell us how long it took until he got it.

Maybe I find these verses so interesting because I feel like I see an view of Nephi and his brothers that I have never really seen before. I have read the Book of Mormon so many times and I have certainly listened to the stereotyping of scriptural people that many members practice in church. (Which I will admit I try to ignore the comments because I just can't see everything in black and white. Like many people I know and myself, I do not find my testimony threatened if my heroes are not perfect and I find many prophets more interesting and worthy of study when I do feel they are human and not just 'good' two dimensional characters.) I will admit that until I read these verses over and over during the last few weeks, I found that I had never considered Nephi at all like his brothers Laman and Lemuel. But this reading seems to suggest to me that the only real differences between them are really the choices that they made. All three men appear to have questioned their father.... but for whatever reason, only Nephi searched the depths of his mind and heart to ask God about his father and what his father was seeing/saying.... An interesting lesson to say the least!

What are your thoughts?